Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society

# God save Donald Duck... #

Oh, no, Margaret's gonna be very angry!

# .the Desperate Dan Appreciation... #

Hello! Is anyone up in the house?
Can I have some help, please!

# ..strawberry jam
and all the different varieties #

- Good heavens!
- Oh!

You look like something
out of The Da Vinci Code!

Well, I thought it might be appropriate
for the Beating of the Bounds,

the blessing of the ancient stones
of the parish boundary.

Such an ancient rite requires a certain...
weight of costume, I feel.



I think they've only been doing it since 1962.

No, no, no, no, it's an ancient rite.

A good excuse for a bit of a booze-up
on the moor.

I'd better go and get the picnic ready.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

The Guild lays on the pasties and the beer
in the middle of the day.

How lovely. And as has been done
since past times.

Whatever.

And the, erm... The, erm...cloak?

Well, we are going up on the moor, you know.

I think it'll be a complete tick magnet.

Oh.

Really?

(Braying)



I think you better have
a couple of paracetamol as well.

Oh, yeah.

What time did you leave the pub? Because
it must have been late, because I left at 1.

I can't remember. It's bad when
you can't remember, isn't it?

- Yeah, what were you on?
- Cider.

- Ooh. And did you get your tits out?
- Inevitably.

Hiya!

Oh, God! It's my new best friend!

Hi, just thought I'd pop by for a coffee,
drop in.

Oh! Didn't realize you had company.

Well, she's no company in the state she's in.

Ahh.

It's hard being on your own.

Er..am I just a vapor now?

Well, you know, Kate, I cannot remember
the last time I was on my own.

I don't seem to get a minute to myself.

No, I was talking about me.

God.

Freya!

- Why are you in your pajamas?
- I just got up!

Oh, God! What you don't seem to realize
is I have done everything!

And what you don't seem to realize is,
I'm doing it for you!

Well, then don't.

Was Eileen going to come and get us
to pack at the picnic?

Oh! Eileen's taken her poor dad
to the hospice.

Yeah. Colin's taken them in the trailer.

I persuaded Susie to go with them.

I couldn't go, not feeling like this.

And Eileen gets a face on her sometimes
that I just cannot take.

Well, thank God for that!

Thank God she's finally got rid of him!

- Horrible man.
- Was he?

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

But a hospice means he's going to die.

- Yeah.
- We're all going to die.

That's why we have to make the most of life.

Thanks for the coffee.

- Let's do this again sometime.
- Mmm.

- See you later.
- Bye, Kate.

- What was that about?
- There goes the loneliest person in this town.

Well, except Eileen now.

Not her real dad, of course.

Who?

Eileen. Not her real dad.

- In what way?
- She's adopted.

Don't ask me how I know it,
it was in her notes.

- Did you not know?
- No.

- How come you never told me?
- It's confidential.

- I can be trusted sometimes, you know.
- Did she ever try and find her real parents?

No, she hasn't.

I can't believe I didn't tell you all this.

There was a time she could've gone
down that road for medical history reasons,

but she chose not to,
which is odd because it's so easy nowadays.

You can look it up on the internet.

Can you?

Not in the trailer on the way home, surely.

Well, it was very comfortable on the way up.

Dad was very happy.

Oh, I'm just being silly.

Good trailer, isn't she, eh?

Most of what goes out of here,
never comes home again.

Let's get you inside.

Watch your head.

- (Engine starts)
- Colin, wait.

OK, now go.

And drive like there's ladies on board, please.

Still, life is fatal adventure, as they say.

Yes. But you'll be able to visit him.

Oh, yes.

And the level of care is marvelous.

- I couldn't have done it.
- No.

Ooh, I've got to stop into Moreleigh
to get some udder cream.

No!

Right, here we are. Genes United.

So you type in a name and see if any
real family are looking for you, right?

So it's just for families
trying to find one another.

Now, you post a message on the site,
and you see if anyone is looking for you.

And that's all that we're doing,
we're just seeing if anyone's looking for Eileen.

- It's not illegal.
- No, right.

Now, write her birth name.

Let me think, it's ingrown toenail,
thrush, arthritis, sat on a light bulb.

- Oh!
- Just kidding.

Right, Brewer, B-R--E-W-E-R.

Go, go, go, spinning wheel,
spinning wheel, come on.

Result! Someone is looking for her.

- My God.
- Shall we have a look?

(Knock on door)

Right, you write that down. I'll get this.

I'm bringing you a sad visitor.

I was going to take her home,
but I don't think she should be on her own.

- Oh, no!
- Eileen!

- I'm so sorry about your dad.
- Yeah.

- See you later.
- Yeah, bye.

- Come by.
- Where's Col, by the way?

He's gone to get the tractor.
Hey, it was good fun last night.

- Where you there?
- Yes, I took you home.

Oh. What time was that?

- About 11:30.
- Was I all right?

- Mmm, quite sober.
- Hmm. Keep that under your hat.

- I have a reputation to maintain.
- (Chuckles) Bye.

- Can I get you anything, Eileen?
- Oh, no, no, no, thank you, Sal.

I'm fine.

I'll have a cup of coffee.

Right, OK.

Did it all go all right?

Oh, you know.

As well as can be expected, thank you.

Eileen, this probably isn't a very good time,
but..we know something that we shouldn't.

Well, I'm sure you know something
you shouldn't, Sal.

You're women of the world.

Oh, I don't know how to start.

Well, come on, darling, spit it out.

OK.

- Well...
- Mum!

Something really, like, really great
has happened.

Why is Raph in his school uniform?

- For, like, school.
- It's Saturday.

I told you!

- Oh, great, well, how am I supposed to know?
- Good grief!

Mum - amazing, blow-your-mind news.

That poor child!

Yeah, my child, which is what
I am just about to ask you.

What? Come on, I'm busy.

Mum, you know like Rufus like left?

- Yes, went traveling, yes.
- Anyway...

he called...

and he wants me to go out with the yurt.

So can you look after Raph?

- What is a yurt? Is it a goat?
- No, it's a...it's a kind of tent.

- What are you saying, Tash?
- You get to look after Raph

- while I go out with the yurt.
- For how long?

- Like six whole months.
- Hal!

You have to be joking me.

No. This is great news.

No!

God.

(Eileen) Anyway, what were you saying?

(Rosie) Right, right, right, right, right!

No, no, calm down now, calm down.

- Margaret's furious.
- Sal, can you cope with this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let her breathe.

- Right.
- Rosie, Rosie, what is it, come on?

What hasn't happened is I didn't forget to give
the pasty man the order for the pasties,

so what won't be happening is
that we won't be getting any pasties today.

Did you forget to order the pasties, Rosie?

- Yeah, I did, yeah.
- Oh!

- (Rosie shrieking)
- What are we going to do?

- No pasties, no picnic.
- OK, so listen.

It's OK because I will go down to the services
and get some pasties.

No, no, no, no, no! My goodness me!

Thank goodness I am still in charge.

There will be no Ginsters on my watch, Sal.

We'll have to make 'em, we will make them.

Come on, ladies. Come with me.

Now, Sal, you stay behind.
I sense you have family matters.

- (Eileen) Go on.
- (Rosie whimpering)

- Don't say anything!
- I won't!

Tash! Come in here!

Right, you are not going.

- But...
- No, no, the yurt can go.

I don't care about the yurt, but you are staying.

Now, I am going to help the Guild.
I am going to go and get changed

and you can take that boy home

and get him changed,
and you can bring him down to the moor.

Oh... Oh!

(Quiet chatter)

This is difficult, isn't it?

It always used to be, didn't it,
one swede equals one pint,

half a swede, half a pint,

and then we join Europe and now on these
Richter scales, I can't even read it now.

Here she comes.

- Look busy.
- We are busy.

- (Susie) Hi, Eileen. You all right?
- Yes, yes.

Lovely. I've spoken to Tim.

He'll have the meat ready as soon as.

Lovely pastry there.

(Eileen) Ooh..

(All) Hi, Sal.

All right?

- Oh, good.
- So, what about your daughter?

She's going nowhere.
Right, are we gonna be ready in time?

- Yeah.
- Hope so, hope so! (Laughs)

Now, ladies. Now...

I had hoped to be a bit private about this

because that's what Dad would've wanted,
but thank you for your sympathy.

I took Dad in the hospice this morning.

(Kate) Ahh.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine, thank you. Come on.

(Caroline) Good, good, good, good.

No, it's all right, darling. Life goes on. Come on.

- You went with her, didn't you?
- Yes.

- Very good of you.
- Yes, I know.

- What was it like?
- What, the hospicey old-people thing?

- Mmm.
- Well, as they go, fine. Why?

I was thinking, we've all got oldies, you know.
John's mother, really.

- Mother?
- Yes.

It's been mooted she live with us,
but only by her.

(Clears throat)

(Ally Ooh!

Vicar, love the cassock.

Yes, as one of the true faith,
I find that quite appealing.

Well, as Verger told me this morning,
apparently this is something of a chick magnet.

- (Rosie) Ooh.
- Tick magnet, I said.

- (Women chuckling)
- What?

Tick magnet. We're up on the moor.

- (Women giggling)
- Right, well, we're all convening at ten.

I have a speech to prepare.

Oh, Vicar, could I prevail on you

please to string that out a bit
so that we can get the pasties done in time.

Oh, my dear!

- Just leave it. No, no, no, no, no.
- (Laughter)

Oh, dear, oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

Thank you, yes. Please don't spit on it.

- (Laughter)
- Oh, dear!

He's gonna have chicks all over him. (Laughs)

(Buzzing)

Are we gonna get all this done, finished
and up there for lunch time?

(Queenie) I hope so.
(Kate) I'm doing some vegetarian.

Oh, why do we have to pander?

Ah, pasties, the original happy meal.

(Quiet chatter)

Now... Look, Caroline, ladies, I am fine, really.

Dad's happy.

Not your real dad anyway, is it?

- What?
- Cos you was adopted, weren't you?

Shush!

Shhh! What?

What, Rosie?

Eileen, I think it was something we all heard.

Heard?

Well, er, true actually,

but I don't know how you heard
because it's nobody's business,

and it's nobody's business
that I have no interest whatsoever

in finding out who my real parents are...

before that little whisper goes round.

Well, they'll be dead by now, won't they?

(Tip) Oh, God.

- What?
- Shh!

I...I think we need to press on.

They'll be setting up by now.

(Chatter)

My mum won't let me go traveling
with you and Rufus because of Raph.

It's so unfair. I'm just not allowed.

We can't just leave him here,
not if she's not gonna look after him.

- Did you tell her we were taking the yurt?
- Yeah.

- Did she mind?
- No. Yurt can go, I can't.

It's like...madness.

Well, are we all gathered together?

- (Man) Yes.
- Good. Well, I should like to...

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a lovely sunny day,

let's go.

Right.

Now, what is going on?

Please!

Eileen.

I really am very, very sorry.

What?

Ooh!

Come along.

All this on the interweb?

We didn't really expect a result.

Nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry, Sal, but how did you find out
my birth name?

I remembered it from your medical notes.

(Eileen) Hmm.

Confidential, isn't it, Sal?

Yeah, well, I think we were only trying to help.

(Laughs)

Your adopted mum and dad,
they treated you so badly.

I mean, you did everything for them
and they were so ungrateful!

They were my mum and my daddy,
and I love them.

How dare you?

I think that you should look to your own family
before you sit in judgment on others.

Woman who can't even take in
her own grandchild.

- (Buzzer)
- Take those out, please, Susie.

Eileen, this is, erm...

the name of the contact and the number.

And I am truly sorry.

Leave it now!

They'll be past the first boundary stone by now.
We should get a move on.

I know, but they've got to go to the reservoir
as well, haven't they? Do they still do that?

- Rosie, those are hot.
- What?

- Hot.
- (Shrieks) Oww! Oww!

(Dog barking)

All right, Tash?

Go away.

Hey, Raphie. Coming down the kennels later?

Stop it. He doesn't want to come down the hunt
kennels, the murder kennels, murderer.

- See you later, Raph.
- Blood on your hands!

Bye.

Darling, come on. You could help, you know.
You could help a little bit.

Actually, no, it's too late.
Now, where did we put the horses?

- In the trailer.
- Oh. I'll just go and get them.

- Sorry. Is this what you're wearing?
- Yes.

Cos you're not going to be warm enough.

- Fine friend you are.
- I thought you told her.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You cannot be the holder of that much gossip
in a room full of gossip-hungry women

without some of it leaking out, it's like osmosis.

It is propelled from me by the laws of nature.

And now I'm the bad guy.
Horrible to Tash, horrible to Eileen.

Shall I mobile-telephone someone and tell
them to wait up there and not to give up hope?

I think that's a good idea.

(Engine starts)

(Ally Ooh!

Well, here we all are gathered at our first
historic boundary stone of ancient time,

which... Hang on.

Which I...

Which I will now bless.

Ha, sorry. Erm...

O...

Sorry. Ha-ha.

It's fine. O mighty God!

- (Man) That's it, Vicar.
- Bless this... No, no.

- Excuse us now.
- No, I'm just about to bless the...

Ble...

- Sorry, what are you doing?
- It's so he'll be membered here Vicar.

- Right, no, no, I...
- This is your first time an" all, isn't it?

- It is indeed, yes.
- (Laughs) Yes.

- No, no, no, no.
- Yes.

No. No, no, no, no.

- No. Right? No.
- Yes.

No!

(Cheering and laughter)

(Sal) Oh, no, stop, stop, stop!

All right?

Up you come.

Hey. Hi.

(Tip) Right, on you go, Colin.

(Indistinct chatter)

Are we stoppin'? Are we stoppin' here?

- Can we talk about this, Mum, please?
- I'm rushing, Tash.

You could help.

Oh, go on, Sal. Speak to your family.

Time spent is never wasted,
in spite of what others may think.

- (Queenie) No sign of them yet.
- We'll talk later.

There's plenty of time.

- Something odd going on, is there?
- Oh, yeah.

- I'd have a beer and a walk if I was you.
- Right.

Beating the Bounds, laying down the boundaries
over which one should not stray.

Isn't that right, Sal?

Point taken, Eileen.

Well, they found your real mum and dad,
didn't they?

- No, darling.
- Is it Richard and Judy?

- No.
- Is it the Osmonds?

- No.
- Is it the Sultan and Sultana of Brunei?

No, Rosie, darling, no, it isn't.

They have just found the number of someone
who claims to be my relative, that's all.

Oh. Oh, shame, that sounds boring.

Here, run away with one of these.
I need to talk to your mother.

- Thank you.
- No, don't worry. I'll just take him with me.

He's got to go to school, Tash.

You're his mother, now grow up.

Oh, right, so what would you do?
You'd just leave him, just ignore him?

Just like tip him down a well and let him rot?

- No, no, I would look after him.
- You see, that is my point exactly.

- You would look after him.
- Yes, but it's not my job.

No, well, I know it's not your job,
but at least you're good at it.

Oh, Tash!

Below you now, Vicar!

Erm...l can't...] can't actually see anything.

(Mrs. Ottery) Cos of all the water.

Take the oars, Mrs. Ottery.

It's down there. I used to live here.

Right. Erm...

O Lor-hor-hor-haah!

(Laughter and cheering)

Oh!

(Man) Look, there they are.
(Rosie) They're coming now.

(Man) Is the picnic ready?
(Caroline) God, I'm completely boiled.

(Eileen) Come on, now.
Oh, look, there's the vicar!

- Poor, Eileen.
= I know.

- But it is very difficult, that sort of thing.
- Oh, yes.

John and I were thinking of fostering,
you know, once our own children grew up.

- Oh?
- But it's just that, I don't know...

the house is so nice, really,
you don't want to, you know...

- Exactly, time to yourself.
- Yeah.

Cheers.

# And the rain falls

# Down on you

# As I'm trying to... #

- Are you all right?
- No, I am not.

I have never encountered a more pointless
exercise in my life.

Are you chafing?

Quite badly, actually.

- I'll see if I can rustle you up something.
- Thank you.

(Laughter)

Very kind!

Very Christian!

No, look, go away. This is like not a good time.

Anyway, why you are bothering?

Well, your friends tell me
that you're off to India. Is that true?

My friends would not talk to you.

Right. You coming down the pub later?

No, I'm gonna be packing.

Right.

Excuse me.

Look, I've got boyfriends, OK?

And if I did have a boyfriend, it wouldn't be you.

Sorry.

Right.

(Guitar playing and singing continue)

Oh, don't have that face on.

It's six months.

Don't you think Raph would miss you?

- I don't know.
- Tash.

- How are you gonna get the yurt there?
- Put it on the train in laundry bags.

- Wanna do the three-legged race with me?
- No, I wanna do it with your mum.

(Song continues)

# I can't go on living like this... #

(Tip) They're cheating!
They're trying to slide down.

- Go!
- (Shouts of encouragement)

(Rosie) Use your middle leg!

Come on, keep running!

- Go!
- (Shouts of encouragement)

- (Dogs barking)
- Right there.

- (Barking)
- (Shouts of encouragement)

(Cheering)

(Barking)

# I still love you for who you are #

We're all in the pub, Delilah.

Good!

Come on, Hetty.

(Laughing)

- Tash.
- Hey.

I thought you'd gone.

No, I decided not to.

I thought about what you said
and I decided it would be irresponsible.

Ah.

- Is that the yurt?
- No, that's our washing.

The yurt went moldy. (Sobs)

It put it up against the recycling.

Oh, Tash.

- Ohhh.
- (Sobbing)

Are we going to live here?

Yes.

But in the house.

- Is that OK?
- Of course it is.

What's the use of me having all this space?

Come on. Let's get in.

We can sit down and watch the telly,

and we'll get a lottery ticket and...

Actually, you let yourself in, I just...
Something I just need to do, won't be a minute.

- Hello, Kate!
- Hello!

- Ahh.
- Ha-ha.

- How are you feeling?
- I'm all right, darling. Come in.

- Ahh.
- Ha-ha.

I'll call you back.

- Well, never rains but it pours.
- (Kate laughs)

(Knock on door)

- Hello, Eileen.
- Hello, Sal.

Come to apologize.

- I'm sorry.
- Hmm.

Well, there's no need. Worse things happen.

You didn't mean badly. Go on.

- Oh! Hi, Sal.
- Hi, Kate.

- Well, sit down, ladies.
- (Kate) Oh, thanks.

Erm, what was it you wanted, Kate?

Well, I just wanted to see how you are,

and, since you're on your own now, if you
wanted to go through a cruise brochure with me.

There are some lovely ones.
My favorite is the Braemar.

Oh, lovely, Kate.

Have you decided what to do, Eileen?

Oh, yes. I've done it actually.

Now, it goes around the Scottish Isles,
so not very hot, if that's a worry.

And?

- No parents, both dead.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

But I've got a family.

- Got a brother.
- A half-brother?

Whole brother, actually, Sal.

Oh, Eileen, I am so pleased!

Lucky for you.

Yes.

Do you prefer hot places?

Look, I'm not gonna go on a cruise, darling,
even if I did have the money.

- It's sad to go on your own.
- Oh, no!

I mean, I could always come.

I mean, I have been on my own
and it is lovely as well, but...

Oh, Kate.

Anyway, I've gotta go and cook supper
for Raph and Tash.

And now I've got nephews and nieces
and birthdays to remember,

I won't have a moment to meself! (Laughs)

- (Eileen) Thanks.
- OK.

Now then, darling.

What are we going to do about you?

# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society

# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety

# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society

# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties #