Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely

# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety... #

(Dog barking)

(Dog barking)

(Cow mooing)

- It Is today you're taking the lambs?
- This morning.

Al right, then.
Well, sign, sign, sign.

The one that lost the ear tags, both of them,
there's new ones here, OK?

Al right, OK. I'm doing Martin's haylage
this morning as well

Oh, yeah? Which lot?

That fleld up by Jethro's.



I was thinking, can I worm
and you take on the way back?

Can you, though?
I have to check with the ES.A.

Er, not the ES.A,, the soll people.

Right? And let me know
how many rams go on.

OK, new tags, bit of bling for the baby girls.

I hope yellow Is In season.

Right, slaughtering paperwork,

Breed society, movement orders,

and your lunch.
I think you're clear for takeoff.

Oh, and will you tell Andy
we can't have too much lamb back.

James won't let me sell meat
In the surgery anymore.

- Yeah, well he's a tosser!
- Yeah.

The freezer's full

- There's some room, In't there?
- No, I'm saving that space for the pig,



or your mother, whichever one annoys me most
by the end of the week.

See you later, I'llL be late
cos I'm hedging.

OK, bye!

What?

What? Five minutes! Just five minutes
of nothing once a day.

I'm allowed that much.

(Muffled speech)

...decision, action,

relax, now, you won't get maintenance
without relapse, so...

don't say, "Yes, that's how I'm feeling,”

Just to please me.

So, how are you feeling?

Fine.

Are you sure?
Cos you seem a bit defended.

No!

You think you're becoming
too reliant on me?

No! I'm fine.

- I'm happy.
- Euphoria?

I Just want to get on!

Do you have to come round...

so early?

Look, can we talk about
something else? I mean...

I do not need therapy!

No, this Is Just chatting.

- Hey!
- Hey, Splke!

(Kate) Hello! (Laughs)

Er, hello!

Um, you got any Peperami?

No, but I think there's
some Dalrylea triangles.

Um, can I have this Frube?

Yeah, you got an Itchy crotch?

Yeah! That's why
I came around here, actually.

Oh, God! You haven't been
shagging about agaln, have you, Splke?

- Is It crusty?
- No, no, It's Just Uke really uncomfortable.

Oh, bloody hell, Splke.

Get In that bathroom, I'll have a look.

- Sorry, Kate.
- Oh, It's OK. It's...

(Sal) Right, let's have a look.

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, Spike!

That's nasty!

Ooh, Uft It up!

Ooh, Splkey!

Kate!

Can you, er, pass that magnifying glass?
It's on the side.

I Just want to see If It's crabs.

Ooh! Em...

(Splke) Ooh, I Uke your tlles.

Ooh, I'm gonna run you a bath.

(Water running)

(Sal) Right, I tell you what,

you have a bath
and then I'll have another look.

Right, Il love you and leave you.

(Laughs nervously)

Em...

So, I'm off to the Silver Surfers, so.
(Laughs nervously)

I seemed to have become
the computer oracle.

In the land of the blind,

the one-eyed man Is king.

Not your one-eyed man - It needs a wash.

Get In that bath and Introduce It to soap.

(Clicks tongue)

(Giggles) Bye!

Oh, Elijah!

Is It Colin you're after?

Oh!

Oh, bloody kids, eh, Sal?

Yeah. Did you do that, Rosle?

Yeah, I did, yeah.

Well, I suppose It had been there forever.

Do you think I'm looking skinnier, do you think?

- Are you on a dlet?
- Yeah, celebrity diet!

- Oh!
- Yeah, started this morning!

Well, you be careful,
we don't want you wasting away.

No, I won't, no. I Just wanted to take
a bit off the front, you know.

Cos my arse Is perfect, Innit?

- Oh, It's perfect.
- Yeah, Just off here, yeah.

So, what Is this dlet, then?

Oh, well, It's one In the news here.

Apparently, celebrities what's done It
Is Vanessa Feliz,

and Tish off Corrie...

and Mick McManus.

It's very dangerous
the way they encourage you to dlet.

No, you Just has a balloon In your belly.

- But you have to have surgery for that
- No, I haven't got time for that!

- You Just swallows a balloon.
- Have you swallowed a balloon, Rosle?

No, Sal. No, I have not
swallowed a balloon.

- Good!
- Cos I couldn't find one.

Anyway, off to computer school now.

What have you swallowed, Rosle?

Right, OK, as you can see,
Susle Is helping me today.

Er, now, she's fairly au falt
with the computer world.

Well, through my children.

I can Sonlc the Hedgehog
till the cows come home.

- I quite en oy I - Ah! " el

Right, OK, now, are we all at our keyboards?

- Yeah!
- Sorry, there was no toilet paper In the loo.

Right, OK, now, OK,
the first thing to say...

Douche bum?

Hello! Shush, shush.
First thing I need to say Is

remember...

It's not logical

- Oh, thank God!
- OK.

But let's also remember, that I always say,

why pay for a computer,

when you can come In here
and get It for free,

and In that way If It all goes horribly haywire,
you've got a bit of help.

- Yes, Rosle?
- Is this a whole computer?

- Yes, Rosle.
- Is t?

Why don't you go and stand by Rosle,
Just In case she, you know...

- I will for a bit...
- Yeah.

...but glve me a nod
If you want me to circulate.

Right, OK, so,

rule one of computers.

Are we all plugged In and switched on?

(Beeping)

Last week, we covered the keyboard
and the search engine, do you remember?

No, what's that?

Well, let's not worry about that.

What do you want to look at
this week, Rosle?

- Are you Interested In anything?
- Eh, yeah, news.

- Did you hear about what's In the news?
- What exactly?

About that Uttle Romanian midget girl
who lives on a skateboard?

She's married some lad from Birmingham.

Terrible, ain't It?
I read It In this news.

It'lL be going on here soon.

I don't my boys getting Involved
with girls Uke that.

Romanians coming over here
and nicking all our lads.

The good thing about the web
Is you can go anywhere.

- Oh!
- The world Is your oyster.

So...the Eden Project Is nice.

- Oh, my daughter went there.
- Oh!

She traveled all the way from Exeter.

- When she got there It was closed.
- Oh, I didn't know you had a daughter.

Gay.

Oh!

Called Gaye.

Oh!

And Is gay.

Oh!

- Happy coincidence, really.
- Oh!

I've actually got
qulte a lot of family In Canada.

Have you?

I went out there a few years ago,
and on my computer at home,

I can actually see the park
that we went to In Vancouver, In Canada.

I can't actually see them,
but I can see the park.

- Scintllating!
- Did you say you can go to Canada on It?

- No!
- No, no, I was gonna say.

I mean, you'd need a bigger computer,
really, wouldn't you?

Sorry, It's the only place
we can get any signal

Can you put your pin In, please?

Tash!

Tash!

- Oh, Mum.
- HI

- I know what you're doing.
- What?

- Who are you signing on for?
- Look...

Who? Lucy?

No, Mum. Amy.

Oh! And where Is Amy?

It's Just that she went away
and she didn't have time to, Uke, do forms...

so she could sign on where she Is,
which Is only for a fortnight.

- Where?
- On holiday In Tuscany.

But, Uke, she didn't have time
because the ticket off the Internet

meant she had to leave right away,

which meant she didn't have time
to get her Jobseekers',

and Mum, she really needs this holiday
cos she Is so tired.

- From what?
- Working!

She works down the rugby club,
which Is, Uke, always really late.

Working?

But only for cash though,
which Is Uke holiday money,

and the Jobseekers' Is Uke lving money,

and she doesn't want to live off her mum.

= No, that would be awful.
- Mum, she really needs this holiday.

She Is... She Is Uke stressed.

Well, I'll give her stressed.

Tell her I want to see her when she gets back.

- Mum...
- No, I want to see her.

- (Mobile phone ringing)
- End of conversation.

And get your hair tucked In, It looks awful

HI, Tip!

Oh, my God!

Hello, Tash!

This Is so annoying!

What does "http" mean?

- Oh, I knows this one!
- Oh, well done, Rosle! We did It last week.

Is It, huh-ta-ta-puff?

Egg timer means It's doing It,

now, when It goes from an arrow Into a hand,

you can click.

Now, It's two quick clicks,
and that's the worst bit.

Most people have trouble
with the two quick clicks.

- What's the matter, Rosle?
- Oh, I think It's this dlet I'm on.

- (Sucks In breath)
- Goodness me!

I'd glven up hope of ever seeing
another lving soul

Here you all are.

Oh, Eileen, are you all right?

- Here, let me get you a chalr.
- No time, Kate.

I need to have a word on Gulld business,
urgent Gulld business.

But this Isn't a Gulld meeting.
These are my Sliver Surfers.

No, It's Ufe and death, Kate.

I need to call an emergency meeting
for Gulld members now.

But I've got the room for the hour and some
of my Silvers aren't Gulld. I think It's unfair.

Don't do this to me, Kate.

You are standing on
very dangerous ground, my dear.

But this Is my moment, my hour.

Yes, using computers pald for by the Guild,
I think you'll find, Kate.

So, let me speak to the gathered,

or I shall pull the plug on your Sliver Cybers.

That all right?

Yes?

Right, now, ladles.

Now, I need an urgent word
with the Gulld, please.

- Are we at war?
- I have In my hand a letter...

a letter sent to me
from the maln wheel of the Gulld,

the blg wheel

Now, this letter Informs me
that this evening's meeting

will be attended by Lady Anne Crump,

who Is a Gulld...

- Inspector.
- (AL gasp)

- What's that?
- Inspector.

Susan, would you read the rest, please?

I'm misting up.

Ah... Da-da-da-da-da...

"This subcommittee comprises a team
of nationally trained Gulld advisers,

"er, federation officers,
trainee Gulld advisers,

"co-opted members
to observer members

"and the federation secretary

"who acts as secretary to the committee.

"It organizes training In public speaking
and running your Guilds.

"It opens new Guilds and sometimes,

"sadly, closes others.”

- Closes.
- Oh!

Closes others and...

- sadly, amalgamates them.
- (Shocked gasps)

And with our dwindling membership,

this could be on the cards.

It must not happen.

We must have an extraordinary meeting

before this evening's meeting.

We have to be up to scratch.

Megan, dear, don't you think
you would Uke to decide to be...

- one of our number?
- Oh, I've no Interest In the Guild.

No, I do the over 60s.

I don't wanna make Jam.

Well, It's not all
Jam and Jerusalem, as they say.

No, I'd enjoy the singing,

and I'd Uke the trips and the talks,

- and I know they've got a bowls team.
- I used to belong to the bowls team.

- I thought they were very strict.
- Do I look Uke I make Jam?

No!

But I hope they wouldn't all be Uke you.

- So, what happened?
- I don't know.

Colln Is going to meet us up there
so he can translate.

I can't understand Elijah,
but It's something about a cow.

Ah!

(Sal) God, Isn't this lovely!

- Yeah.
- {(Mobile phone ringing)

- (Tip) Is that your phone?
= Oops!

- (Sal) Oh, my God, It's Eileen.
- Tell her we've no signal

Hello, Eileen!

What? Sorry!

No! No, we're going to Tin Gate.

But, Sal, It's the Ufe and death
of the Gulld that's at stake. Sal!

Bloody Eileen! Does she never
get sick of bloody meetings?

She's got a meeting this afternoon
before the meeting tonight

cos someone's gonna come
and Inspect us.

Yeah, well, we have llves.

(Sal coughing)

You have got to stop the fags, woman.

How high are we up here?

I think I need oxygen.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, dear.

What, did It dle of something bad?

No, It hasn't got any tags on his ears.

So, we Just..

Got to Just stand here, then?

- It's traditional
- Oh!

Just stand and look awhile.

Colin, will. you ask him
If It somehow wasn't registered or...

what's happened?

(Sal) Just tell me about these ears?

Well, he can't move It or have It taken away
If It doesn't have tags on Its ears,

and he can't bury It here.

God, It stinks!
I wonder how long It's been dead.

I recognize that smell

That's not Just cow.

It's old wee.

I don't think Elijah's been looking after himself
since his wife dled.

Poor old soul, It'd break your heart,
wouldn't [t?

God, I'd love to get In those wellies
and have a good look at his ulcers.

Well, I'll Just leave that to you,
you strange woman.

Well?

Well, he reckons he had some tags,
but he don't know where they are,

and he's covered him with galvanized,
so he don't get seen by the satellite

and all hell will break loose.

What satellite?

Well, the Defra satellite.

Defra satellite!
Don't get me started.

There Is no such thing as a Defra satellite.

What, an all-seeing eye In the sky?

If It can see everything,
why can't they find Osama bin Laden?

What we're going to do Is this.
I'll go through the paperwork In the house,

you go the herd with Eljah
and take the numbers,

and then I can ring Defra and get new tags
If I can't find the old ones, OK?

Bloody hell!

Ooh! Ergh!

I think we're going to need some help.

= I'm sorry.
- Caroline, thank goodness.

Thank you ladles, now,
I think we are full compliment,

and where Is Delilah?

Clmbling the north face of the Kinderschluss
with her sister, Unlty.

- Right-oh.
- We're looking a bit depleted.

Did not someone have an Idea
of having a computer website?

Yes, we need this for tonight.

However, with all the computer
expertise flying around,

one would've thought that
It would've been dealt with earlier.

But It seems to me that switching on
Is about as far as they've got.

- Excuse me?
- No, not now, Kate.

- No, I'm sorry, excuse me!
- I sald not now, Kate.

We're belng disinfected by a Crumb!

No, It's not funny, Rosle.

We are being Inspected
by Lady Anne Crumb, Crump.

She Is a member
of the big wheel of the Gulld.

- Is she the high chalr?
- No, no.

But she Is now, I think, the occasional chalr.

And we need to show
that we are worthy of survival

Or maybe we could kick off the meeting
with some armchair exercises.

Yeah, those ones.

That's not quite the dynamic feel
that I was after, Queenle.

Now, first... Ah!

I need someone to volunteer
to speak on the current political Issue,

which Is sex traffic.

- I will
- No, Rosle.

- Pauline?
- Sex traffic It be.

Ohhh!

We've Just been up to
Eljah Truelove's farm,

and he Is In a terrible state.

Oh, dear! Dear, slt down.
This Is Important.

No, no, no, this Is Important.

We've got to get some help up there
to sort him out this aftenoon!

- No!
- Yeah, yeah, to do some cleaning,

while Tip sorts out his paperwork
and I do his ulcers.

Sal, we are belng Inspected!

Elijah needs us.

Now, we need someone to clean. Caroline?

- Susle?
- No, they have been delegated.

Elijah's wife was a member of this Gulld,

- Madge Truelove?
- I know that.

Her coffin was draped In the Guild's quilt.

Yes, yes, and burled with It,
more Is the pity,

else It'd be on the wall behind us now.

Oh, maybe we could organize
a working party to dig her up and recover It

- We'll, we'll go.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Sowlll

Happy to...

go where I'm needed.

Oh, good God Almighty!

Eileen, come on, don't get
your knickers In such a twist.

Well, I'm sorry, but the Gulld means
a lot to me does the Gulld.

I know, I know.

"Get a life", that's what I'll be told.

Oh, yes.

Come on, Eileen, It'lL be flne.

And can I tap the fund for bit of money
for cleaning fluld?

Well, of course you can.
I mean, you would anyway.

There, take that. Get on with It

Well!

Maybe we could try to drum up
some old members.

Where are we gonna do that from, a séance?

They're all dead, darling.

OK, thanks for coming up.

Always Uke to make myself useful

Erm, I think I should have
a little chat with him

about the death of his wife.

Up to you, love.

Hello, Elijah. You're looking lovely.

Actually, I'm quite glad to get out of the house.

It's a nightmare at the moment because Mikey
has tumed the long bamn Into a sort of studio.

AIL his rock friends come
and have a good old bash,

and he brings them In the house.

I'm seething, because Kasablan
have broken the dishwasher.

- Oh! Mm.
= I couldn't believe It

I sald, "Remember to put the golf ball..”

- In the bottom,
- "..In the bottom..."

- to stop It getting bunged up.
- "..so It doesn't get bunged up.”

And tum It on using a dry plece of...

- ...spaghetti.
- Spaghetti.

- It's completely broken.
- Yeah.

He brings them In the house.

The other day, I found him
by the airing cupboard with an Arctic Monkey.

They could barely control
themselves laughing.

Everything Is hilarious, apparently.

- Yes.
- (Muttering)

- No.
- (Muttering)

- Yes.
- You all right, Kate?

Yes, oh, he's lovely.

We're Just having a lovely chat.

I can't shut him up.

- Can you understand anything he says?
- No.

Eureka! I found them.

- What?
- The tags.

The cow can be lald to rest In a marked grave.

- Oh, that's wonderful news.
- Hurrah!

Oh, we're gonna love you
and leave you now, Elijah.

ALL right, OK.

Thank you.

Oh, lovely, ladles.

It's all starting to look much nicer.

Queenle, what sort of ongoing hobby craft
have you brought In?

It's all I could find.

I'd been knitting a matinee Jacket
for my nephew.

Oh! How old Is he?

27.

But It's ongoing.

(Chatter)

Oh, my goodness, Rosle.

- Lovely, aren't I?
- Yes, but...

Ricky bought me this coat. Beautiful, Innit?

Yeah, now, now, Rosle.
Listen, darling.

- When Lady Anne Crump arrives...
- Yeah!

Shush, shush, shush.
I want you to act natural

- No curtsies.
- Oh!

- No cheese.
- Right.

I haven't got any cheese.

Right, arms up.

Now, ladles, good, good.

Ladles, we must try and remember
all the things that we have done this year.

We could say that we had visited
the Eden Project

to discuss the global effect
on greenhouses.

- But we haven't!
- Well, I know that.

- But we haven't
- Or we could say

that we had divided up
Into discussion groups

to discuss International trade.

- Listen! Oh, Eileen, this ridiculous.
- Yeah.

Well, that may be, but If we
don't make a good Impression,

we will be amalgamated with Hole.

It sounds a lot worse than It actually Is.

- Caroline!
- You're asking us to Ue?

No, I am asking you to help.

- So, you want us to cover your arse.
- Yes.

- Talking of which, Sal
- What?

There's something very wrong
coming out of mine right now.

What did you swallow, Rosle?

Well, I didn't have a balloon.

Oh, my good godfathers!

Come on, let's have a look.

Who are we doing this for? It's Just us.

If you cut out the "Gulld” word, It's Just us.

Yes, If you cut out the Gulld, It's Just us.

- Kate, please.
- No, I'm sorry.

= No!
- I will be heard.

- Kate!
= I'm sorry.

You can come In the Slivers and stop me,

but that was my moment
and you steamed all over me.

Steamrollered, sorry, all over me and now ll...

No, I'm sorry,
I will have my say.

- You go, girl!
- I think that I...

- I'm sorry, I've lost my thread.
- You were gonna tell her to get stuffed.

Get stuffed! Sorry! Sorry!

Sorry, no, I didn't mean that.

Ooh, that's better.

Marigold glove.

She pulled It out by the fingers.
The fingers sticking out.

- Rosle, Rosle.
- Look, what I think Kate was trying to say

Is, Uke, what difference does It make?

If we weren't the Gulld, I mean,
what would be the difference?

You know, what would It mean? I mean,
we don't need high chairs and low chairs and...

- Poufs!
- And poufs, we don't need them.

- No agenda? No regalia?
- No!

No, no bloody Lady bloody Anne
bloody Cramp.

This Is near anarchy,

and I'm only glad that her honorableness
Is not here to hear It

She Is here.

- Pardon?
- She Is here.

- Are you here?
- Pardon?

- Is she here?
- Yes, I believe I am.

Your Royal Highness!

How do you do?

Here's cheese for welcoming.

Oh, thank you, Rosle.

I had It In my pants.

Umm... Have you been all that time?

Yes, I heard everything.

Look, can we Just say a few words?

Ah, Hole, here we come.

There Is a point to the Gulld.

I mean, look at you all

Al together here In this room.

Well, there are more members.

- But all dead.
- No, no, I mean all different.

How many of you here would be
talking to the others

If It wasn't for the umbrella?

But here you all are with Rosle,
whom I know from my Job as a JP.

Oh, my God!

- Al stand please!
- No, no, Rosle!

Your Highness, I Just want to say
my boys Is behaving themselves these days.

You know, those lovely ankle tags
you gave 'em,

well, I did not cut them off.

They fell off with wear and tear.

Now, Rosle!

Look, without the Gulld,

you'd all splinter off Into small pockets,

there'd be bodies peeling off
left, right, and center.

We need structure,

otherwise the whole thing
Is going to descend Into chatting.

(ALL chat)

Or having a laugh.

(AL laugh)

Which Is all very well,
but It wouldn't get us anywhere.

- Well sald.
- Yeah, nothing but a social

You all seem to be doing very well

You have youth...

and this Is our future.

You seem to generally do good and...

- are nice!
- Yes, we are.

So please carry on.

Oh, Your Ladyship.

Thank you so much for delivering us.

It's a pleasure.

Would you Uke to stay for our meeting?

Er, yes, right.

Well, maybe you would Uke
to sit with the ladles...

- In the body of the hall
- Oh, thank you.

Our next ltem

will be our talk

on sex traffic.

Oh, right!

Well, tonight...

ladles, my talk's gonna be on sex traffic.

Let's start with the traffic.

Our first slide...

has the wonderful system
on the Exe Bridges In Exeter.

Well!

There's two bridges...

- Pub?
- And also there must be near three...

- No, sorry, nearly elght sets of lights.
= Pub.

And at flve o'clock, well,
the traffic Is terrible there.

And It's trying to get across the Exe Bridges

It's going towards Alphington,

and then It meets up with traffic
that's coming out of Marsh Barton.

Yeah.

= It Is, Innit?
- It Is very bad.

Oh, It's very bad
between half past flve and quarter to six.

Do you really wanna do this talk, Pauline?

- No, not really.
- Should we go the pub?

- Yeah, I'll get me coat.
- Yeah, come on.

I'll be with you!

(Chatter)

Falling off a bar stool
Is God's way of telling you

It Is time to drive home.

Come with me.

- Good night!
- Bye!

- Are they driving home?
- Good night, boys!

- Are they driving home?
- Yes, they are.

Ten miles an hour.

I'll drop you by Moortown, Gatley, Tupps.

And John, you're last up.

Oh!

Aaah!

# Here beneath the stars I'm landing

# And here beneath the stars not ending

# Why on earth am I pretending?

# I'm here agaln, the stars befriending

# They come and go of their own free will

# Go gently #