Chicago Party Aunt (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Helicopter Aunt - full transcript
[neon buzzing]
[Diane] I think it was
Charlie Dickens who said,
"Early to bed, early to rise,
makes you healthy and wise."
But I'm more of a Charlie Sheen kinda gal,
and ever since
my nephew Daniel's moved in,
we party every frickin' night.
That's not Daniel. That's a raccoon.
Anyhoo, we're havin' a pretty fun time,
despite the fact that my sister Bonnie
stops by now and again.
- And by that, I mean every frickin' day.
- [bottles clank]
Ugh, underwear?
[Diane snoring]
[Diane belches, mutters, smacks lips]
Jesus! God!
- Mom, get out!
- Oh my God! I... I...
- Mom, what are you doing?
- I don't know!
- I think it's stuck!
- You need to push down, then pull.
[groans]
I told him to put a sock on the doorknob.
[intro theme music plays]
I don't want my son living in filth.
There are crumbs all over the floor.
You're gonna get rats.
- No way. They're too scared of the racc...
- What?
Uh, Durack.
Serbian guy. He's our exterminator.
"No rats with Durack." That's his slogan.
Daniel, we need to talk.
- Hope it's about door-knocking etiquette.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
I just wanted to see
how the job search was going.
Here we go.
Well, actually,
I watched this incredible TED Talk,
and they say the best way
to find a job is to stop looking for it.
That's why TED Talks are stupid.
Remember Rachel Zlatkin, Stuart's mother?
She was heavy? Then her husband left her?
Now she's too thin?
Well, Stuart started this company
walking high-end dogs,
and I went ahead
and set up an interview for you.
Dog walking? That's not a real job.
What, do they pay you by the turd?
And what is a real job, Diane?
Sleeping 'til noon and cutting hair
two and a half days a week?
Yeah. And what do you do all day
besides not season your food?
A lot of things.
Right now, Mark and I are converting
Daniel's old room into a gym.
Your father was bullied
at Planet Fitness, and he had to quit.
Isn't that like the third gym
he's been chased out of?
Your interview is at 2:00 p.m. today.
Call me when it's done.
No texting. I wanna hear your tone.
What if I had plans today?
Masturbating your penis is not a plan.
- [angrily chitters]
- Goddamn it!
Call Durack and get rid of
that thing immediately.
Who? Oh right.
He is real, and I will call him.
[patrons chatter indistinctly]
I knew this day was coming,
but now that it's here,
I'm kinda freaking out.
Yeah, I remember Mikey's first job.
He was a bouncer at House of Blues.
That's a lotta responsibility
for a 12-year-old.
What about this place?
I like the vibe,
and the walls are all made of plants.
[Diane sighs] This place?
We are currently seeking rhapsodic souls
to be wellness collaborators.
Feather, you're a sweetheart,
but he don't wanna work here.
You gotta get your hands dirty, Daniel.
I know these two guys.
Big Pete and his son, Little Pete.
I went to high school with both of 'em.
Don't ask.
They're super connected.
They'll hook you up.
[Bonnie] I talked to Rachel Zlatkin.
She's heavy again.
Good news.
She pulled some strings with Stuart,
and no interview needed.
We got the job.
Your first client is in an hour.
You're welcome.
Oh my God.
My mom got me that dog-walking job
without even asking.
You know, there's a term for a mom
who won't stop hovering over their kid.
Yeah, "helicopter mom."
- Oh, I was gonna say "nosy bitch."
- [patrons gasp]
You cannot smoke in here!
Big weekend.
There's a crazy riptide comin' in.
Gonna be a record-breaking undertow.
Record-breaking camel toe?
I won that in Daytona Beach back in '94.
No, it's the lake's undertow.
It can pull you under
and hold you for hours.
Same with my camel toe.
Tina knows what I'm talkin' about.
I told you
you was gonna get a yeast infection.
Diane, you have been
with that customer for 45 minutes,
and he was bald to begin with.
Gideon, I don't want to embarrass you,
but that customer is legendary
Chicago weatherman Tom Skilling.
And I give my VIPs all the time they need.
It's okay, Diane.
It looks fantastic.
Chance of getting a tip, 100%!
[laughing] Bye, Tom.
You're the wind chill beneath my wings!
Ladies, and Diane, that's it for today.
You're closin' up shop early?
Gideon, I thought
you were this by-the-book lame-o,
but you're a naughty
little party boy, aren't ya?
Look at the time! It's White Claw o'clock!
Ooh, those look fun!
- Let me see.
- Yeah! Let's get nuts, G-string!
My Claws!
Diane, now, I have told you
as many times
as there are rhinestones in your jeggings,
today, we begin corporate training.
Balls. Is that today?
I totally forgot.
I can't make it. I have a hair... cut? Fuck!
No one's goin' anywhere
for the next three days.
Three days?
What is this, frickin' Hanukkah?
No offense, Zuzana.
I am Catholic.
Today, we'll be goin' through
Borough's rules and regulations.
Tomorrow, we'll implement
those policies via role-playing.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- Not that kind of role-playing, Diane.
- [Diane groans]
And the last day is the test,
which you will need to pass
in order to get certified.
Got it. And what if we decide
to not do any of that?
[laughs] Then you can't work here, henny.
[groans]
[Diane slurping]
Diane!
What? Five-minute rule.
I gotta say, this is very exciting.
I thought you were never
gonna clean out Daniel's room.
Of course I was. He's 18 and on his own.
Why would we keep his room
exactly how he left it? That'd be crazy.
Mark, that's not where Pugs Bunny sleeps.
Okay, let's make two piles.
Stuff to save and stuff to throw out,
like these coloring books
from second grade.
Definitely a throw-out, right? Easy peasy.
You know, I feel like we should
just check with Daniel first.
I'm gonna text him a picture
in case he wants to hang on to them.
What about his headgear?
Hey, Mark, I feel like
this is sort of overwhelming for you.
So why don't you just
go assemble the Peloton,
and I will take care of the piles?
Whatever you need.
Hun, this will be good for us.
Oh, his little bathrobe.
- What?
- Nothing.
Let me work.
[Bonnie cooing]
[doorbell ringing]
You're late.
Oh. They told me 3:00.
The help should always arrive
15 minutes early.
Learn that.
All right, this has to be quick.
I have an appointment downtown
I cannot miss.
It's not Botox.
This is Fitzy.
- Hi, Fitzy.
- [Fitzy whimpers]
You can call him Fitzgerald.
Oh, sorry.
He's so cute. How old is he?
Well, he's a third-generation clone,
so technically,
we've had him for 30 years.
But this one is eight.
On your walks, don't crowd him.
He will not make if he can sense you.
Goodbye, baby.
Come on, yes.
[Daniel winces]
[Gideon] Okay, thanks to Diane,
during the break,
I had to go and purchase this buzzer,
which I will now use whenever anybody
makes an inappropriate comment.
[chuckles] Not my fault
our company motto rhymes with "breast."
Laugh it up,
but if you don't learn this,
you will fail the test.
Now, focus.
- Okay, Hitler. I can't say Hitler?
- [buzzing]
- What if I say Hitler was a bad guy?
- [buzz]
Oh my God,
Gideon thinks Hitler is a good guy.
That's so fucked up!
- [buzzing]
- [Gideon groans]
Moving on...
We're gonna go over
to the video component of the training,
where you'll be guided through
an in-depth look at the BO rules.
[buzz]
[jaunty music playing]
'Sup, homies?
It's your boy, Jerry Ferrara.
We're doin' HR over here.
Who the hell is this?
He's Turtle from Entourage.
Mr. Ferrara happens to be
a major shareholder in our parent company.
For Sbarro corporate training,
please skip to chapter eight.
For Borough corporate training,
please skip to chapter two.
For Monsanto corporate...
♪ Hey, Borough folk
Haven't you heard? ♪
♪ I'm here to talk C.R.E.S.T.
It's a company word ♪
Why is he rapping?
That is not rapping.
♪ First up is a concept
That's dear to me ♪
♪ You know I be
Talkin' 'bout consistency ♪
Uh, Gideon?
What's the company policy
on blowing my fuckin' brains out?
[buzzing]
- Good make, Fitzgerald. Good make. Yes.
- [growls]
Oh no, I forgot to bring poop bags.
- Mmm! Beautiful Italian greyhound.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, would you mind
watching him for one second
while I just go get a plastic bag?
- My pleasure, handsome.
- Okay.
Excuse me, do you have,
like, a little bag?
We have a Thai silk gift tote.
It's $53.
Oh, no, just like a plastic baggie.
My dog just made out front.
What dog?
Fitzy!
I mean, Fitzgerald!
Oh, come on!
Well, well, well,
look who came crawling back.
Kurt Kosinski.
Relax, Diane. I'm not here for you.
Daniel called me, for some reason,
to report a missing dog.
I tried 911, but they just laughed at me.
Okay, so, white guy stole dog.
All right, I got all the info I need.
What are the chances we find him?
Very good,
provided he flies out of the city's
second-largest airport while I'm on duty.
Oh, and he better not be a therapy dog,
because legally, I can't question that.
Good to see you, Di.
Holy hell. Sounds like this day
sucked for the both of us, kid.
[phone chimes, buzzes]
[Bonnie] OMG, your old recorder.
Keep, right?
- Ugh! My mom won't stop with these texts.
- [belches]
Poor little Fitzy's missing,
and the company's saying
I owe $3,500 in damages,
which I can't pay
because I don't have a job!
[panting] I think
I'm having heart palpitations.
[panting]
Oh, that's pure grease! [groans]
Oh, sweetie.
It's time to stop listenin' to your mom
and start listenin' to me.
You want a real job in this city?
I'm sending you to the Petes.
Fine, I'll do whatever it takes.
- Okay, here's what you do.
- [cool jazz playing]
You're gonna get on the Blue Line.
If you see a man screaming
in passengers' faces,
don't worry, that's Al.
He's goin' through some stuff.
You're on the right train.
At Ashland Avenue,
you're gonna transfer to the 24 bus.
Tell Randy the driver you're my nephew.
He won't charge you the fare.
Free fare? Diane owes me money!
[music continues]
When you get off the bus at Bryn Mawr,
you're gonna be
in front of Gus's beef stand, 'kay?
Get two beefs, dipped,
half-sweet, half giardiniera.
[Daniel] I can't eat two beefs.
[Diane] Pay attention!
You'll walk 50 yards.
Then you'll see
a chain-link fence. Climb it.
Now, if the dogs are awake,
which they will be
because they're on Adderall,
start running to the front door.
- [barking]
- Throw both sandwiches behind your back.
That should give you time
to climb the second fence.
[Daniel] Why is there a second fence?
[Diane] And that should arrive you
squarely at the feet,
and clubfeet, of the Petes.
Diane sent me.
Why didn't you just use the front door?
[music ends in crescendo]
So how do you like it?
You're the pro. I'm in your hands.
I wish I was in your hands.
Look at those paws.
What are ya, a carpenter?
No, carpentry is just a hobby.
I'm actually a firefighter.
[moans] A-gush!
Back room now!
[buzzing]
Diane, you just broke
every single rule in 12 seconds.
Gideon, not now.
I'm about to fuck this fireman.
This man is a hired actor.
You knew this, Diane!
He's been role-playing all morning.
You're an actor?
I also played a coma victim
on Chicago Med.
[moans] A-double gush!
Okay, this is entrapment. I got witnesses.
- [buzzer splutters]
- You wore out the batteries.
But you know what? I'm done caring.
Because after you bomb this test tomorrow,
I will never have to deal
with you again. Goodbye.
Um, do you know
how much longer this is gonna take?
I have an improv class I have to get to.
Aw, sad gush.
[slamming into window, snarling]
So, no college education, perfect.
- What are your priors?
- My prior employment?
Your prior offenses.
You know, crimes that you committed.
Uh, I never committed any crimes.
[both laughing]
- Same.
- Good one.
- Clean as a whistle.
- Me too.
- I like this kid.
- Me too.
Well, good news, ya got the job.
- Really? That's so great.
- [slamming into window, snarling]
One question.
Will the dogs be chasing me every day?
Oh, you won't be working here.
- [hard blues playing]
- [Little Pete] The city pumping plant.
That baby is where
all the lake water gets filtered
so it's drinkable.
Fully automated,
but a few lucky individuals
get to maintenance it.
It's hard work, but it's rewarding.
As long as I don't have to clean up
dog poop, I'm in.
[laughs] No dog poop here.
Bird poop, yes. That's the entire job.
Everything you'll need is in here.
Calcium nitrate.
Be careful. This stuff is very flammable.
- [Daniel groans]
- A scrub brush.
Uh, oh, mask for the smell, if you want.
Personally, I kinda like it.
The heavy droppings come in post-dinner.
Also, this week is
Bread Fest on the Lakefront.
It's pretty brutal. Let's see.
- [phone chimes, buzzes]
- What else?
[Bonnie] Saving these
till I hear otherwise.
[caws]
Oh, yeah, don't wear
or handle anything shiny.
The birds will attack it.
It's mating season,
and the males are very aggressive,
but not nearly as aggressive
as the females.
Happy scrapin'!
I'll try to be back here
at 9:00 p.m. to pick ya up.
I work till 9:00?
At least!
Stupid Gideon thinks I can't pass a test.
All I do is pass tests.
I passed my drug test high,
my driving test drunk,
and I passed my pregnancy test
drunk and high.
Oh my God, you reek.
Yeah, because the job you got me
is a literal shit show.
And I don't mean "literal"
in the way my generation
constantly uses it wrong.
- [phone rings]
- Ooh, home phone!
That's only for booty calls and creditors.
[clears throat]
Hello, this might be Diane.
[Bonnie] Daniel?
Gross, it's your mom.
I haven't heard from you
in a day and a half.
I can't clean your room
unless you tell me what to keep.
Also, you never told me,
how did the dog walking go?
I can't deal with this right now.
Just get rid of all my stuff.
- But what about your...
- It's all junk. I don't need it.
All cleared out?
- We ready to roll the old girl in?
- [gasps] You too?
All the men in this family
are attacking me today!
Daniel's old gym shorts.
I bet I can squeeze into these.
- Dude.
- Bro?
- Bro?
- Dude?
- Money!
- Money!
Shoot, shoot, shoot, I overslept!
I didn't sleep at all.
I bang-watched
all eight seasons of Entourage.
This show rocks!
Weren't you supposed to be studying?
Oh, I'll be fine.
I got a plan and a backup plan.
Speaking of backups,
take my old cell phone.
[grunts, thuds]
You need a phone, and I don't want
your mom cloggin' up my landline.
A full charge on that bad boy
will give you one minute of talk time.
Thanks, I guess?
Oh, and if Jerry Springer calls,
tell him I'm not goin' back on the show!
[seagulls cawing]
Hey, there's a virus goin' around.
All the birds have diarrhea.
Isn't all bird poop diarrhea?
[laughs] This kid's funny.
[electricity humming, crackling]
[tense music playing]
Five minutes left, ladies.
Oops, my pencil.
Diane, you are clearly cheatin'.
Fuck, my plan!
[phone ringing, buzzing]
Pick up, it's me.
Okay, now I got to take your phone.
Fuck, my backup plan!
I have no part in this.
[rock music plays]
That wasn't even shiny.
Holy hell.
...and Fitzy was returned safe to his owner,
who made a point of telling us
she did not get Botox.
Coming up, a check of the weather.
And also, do squirrels
increase your property value...
[Mark grunts]
- Mark, what is that?
- Nothing.
Come here.
That's Daniel's stuff, isn't it?
I just thought I'd get it started for ya.
I have a system! I have piles!
Why is everyone in such a rush to move on?
Am I being crazy?
[gasps, inhales deeply]
Honey, that's not a question
I should answer.
[chuckles] I miss him, Mark.
Well, this is hard for me too,
but we need to let go a little.
Daniel's gonna be fine, okay?
- [dramatic music]
- Breaking news from the Lakefront.
A massive blaze has engulfed
the city's water processing plant.
Rescue boats are unable
to reach the island
due to record-breaking riptides.
Uh, I'm sor...
Yes, okay. We've just received the name
of the one employee
trapped at the facility,
recent Stanford dropout,
Daniel Whiddington.
[gasps]
I told you I wasn't crazy!
Mark, get off the ground.
Our baby needs us!
[tense music playing]
[tinny pop music ring tone playing]
Ugh. Diane, you have
eight missed calls from "Dumb Be-Yatch"?
Oh, that's my sister. Gimme that.
- Bonnie?
- Goddamn it!
Daniel! Fire! No rescue boats!
- Fucking riptide!
- I'm on it!
Diane, this test is only half filled out.
You leave now, you don't come back.
Oh my God, Gideon!
I didn't memorize
the stupid BO rules, okay?
Ya got me.
But what I do know is my own set of rules,
and they've served me just fine.
My clients can always depend on me.
Technically, that's consistency.
And I never treat them
like they're jagoffs,
even when they're acting like jagoffs.
That's respect.
I eat my lunch on the john,
so I take half the breaks.
That's efficiency.
I stick to light beer when I'm working,
so I never get sloppy.
Uh, safety?
And my coworkers have my back,
and I have theirs
'cause they're like family.
- Teamwork.
- Family...
I mean, teamwork.
But you know who else
is like family? My family!
And right now, they need me,
so I'm gonna go to them.
And if that's not good enough
for you and Turtle from Entourage,
then you can borough your lips
in my ass and kiss it!
Fine, she passes.
Mm-mm-mmm.
To be a white woman in America.
- [sirens wailing]
- Oh!
[Daniel panting, grunting]
- [seagulls cawing]
- Ugh!
My God, Mark, do something!
- [shrinking sound]
- Oh my God! It's ice-cold!
Please, God, don't let me die.
[gagging]
Oh God, please kill me.
[Diane] Daniel, I'm frickin' here for ya!
[to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
♪ Apocalypse now! Apocalypse now! ♪
♪ Apocalypse now! Apocalypse now! ♪
It's right in my ear!
Skilling, drop us down!
Ten-four, Diane!
Daniel, grab my hand!
[heavy metal version
of "Ride of the Valkyries" plays]
- [feedback whines]
- [grunts] Goddamn it! My bad!
- A little help, Tom?
- On it!
Wow! Did I call it, or what?
Look at those riptides! Gorgeous!
- [Diane] Skilling!
- Sorry! Here you go.
Oh my God! Thank you, Aunt Diane!
I gotcha, sweetie.
This isn't the first time Diane's given
a happy ending on Lake Michigan.
- [Skilling, Diane laugh]
- [Diane] Tom, you son of a bitch.
[crowd clamoring, cheering]
Mom. Dad.
Oh! My baby! I was so worried!
Um, you're welcome for saving his life.
You!
Daniel wouldn't be in this situation
if you didn't get him
this insanely dangerous job.
Me? He only took this job
because the one you got him sucked.
This is your fault.
Mark, hold my earrings.
Mark, hold my belly-button ring.
Oh my God, it stinks.
Stop, all of you!
This is my life!
And I'm gonna make mistakes,
but I want them to be my mistakes!
And I'm sorry I'm yelling,
but I have so much adrenaline
pumping through my body! [shuddering gasp]
You're my mom, and I'll always need you,
but I need some distance,
so ease up on me.
- [Diane] Yeah, totally!
- And you, you're not just my aunt,
you're also, sadly, my best friend.
Aw.
So, I need you to back up
my choices sometimes.
Tomorrow, I'm applying
for that job at Kreativ Jus,
like I wanted to to begin with.
I will be fine. I can take care of myself.
- [whispers] Dad, I can see your scrotum.
- Oh!
Did you hear that? Best friend!
He did say, "Sadly."
Just keep an eye on him, okay?
He's fine. No one died...
That fuckin' rocked!
Okay, I'll keep a closer eye on him.
I have a razzy spazzy for "Tits McGee"?
[laughs]
Hi, Aunt Diane.
I'm your wellness collaborator.
Can I add a shot to enhance your vitality?
No, thanks, honey.
I brought my own. [gasps]
Oh, your ma came by
and dropped off a new phone for ya.
[Bonnie] Do you recognize your old room?
That's not where Pugs Bunny sleeps.
You know, this place is all right.
I could see myself hangin' around here.
Comfy couch! That thing pull out?
Don't you have work?
[Diane snoring]
[patron] Underwear! Oh my God!
[closing theme music playing]
[Diane] I think it was
Charlie Dickens who said,
"Early to bed, early to rise,
makes you healthy and wise."
But I'm more of a Charlie Sheen kinda gal,
and ever since
my nephew Daniel's moved in,
we party every frickin' night.
That's not Daniel. That's a raccoon.
Anyhoo, we're havin' a pretty fun time,
despite the fact that my sister Bonnie
stops by now and again.
- And by that, I mean every frickin' day.
- [bottles clank]
Ugh, underwear?
[Diane snoring]
[Diane belches, mutters, smacks lips]
Jesus! God!
- Mom, get out!
- Oh my God! I... I...
- Mom, what are you doing?
- I don't know!
- I think it's stuck!
- You need to push down, then pull.
[groans]
I told him to put a sock on the doorknob.
[intro theme music plays]
I don't want my son living in filth.
There are crumbs all over the floor.
You're gonna get rats.
- No way. They're too scared of the racc...
- What?
Uh, Durack.
Serbian guy. He's our exterminator.
"No rats with Durack." That's his slogan.
Daniel, we need to talk.
- Hope it's about door-knocking etiquette.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
I just wanted to see
how the job search was going.
Here we go.
Well, actually,
I watched this incredible TED Talk,
and they say the best way
to find a job is to stop looking for it.
That's why TED Talks are stupid.
Remember Rachel Zlatkin, Stuart's mother?
She was heavy? Then her husband left her?
Now she's too thin?
Well, Stuart started this company
walking high-end dogs,
and I went ahead
and set up an interview for you.
Dog walking? That's not a real job.
What, do they pay you by the turd?
And what is a real job, Diane?
Sleeping 'til noon and cutting hair
two and a half days a week?
Yeah. And what do you do all day
besides not season your food?
A lot of things.
Right now, Mark and I are converting
Daniel's old room into a gym.
Your father was bullied
at Planet Fitness, and he had to quit.
Isn't that like the third gym
he's been chased out of?
Your interview is at 2:00 p.m. today.
Call me when it's done.
No texting. I wanna hear your tone.
What if I had plans today?
Masturbating your penis is not a plan.
- [angrily chitters]
- Goddamn it!
Call Durack and get rid of
that thing immediately.
Who? Oh right.
He is real, and I will call him.
[patrons chatter indistinctly]
I knew this day was coming,
but now that it's here,
I'm kinda freaking out.
Yeah, I remember Mikey's first job.
He was a bouncer at House of Blues.
That's a lotta responsibility
for a 12-year-old.
What about this place?
I like the vibe,
and the walls are all made of plants.
[Diane sighs] This place?
We are currently seeking rhapsodic souls
to be wellness collaborators.
Feather, you're a sweetheart,
but he don't wanna work here.
You gotta get your hands dirty, Daniel.
I know these two guys.
Big Pete and his son, Little Pete.
I went to high school with both of 'em.
Don't ask.
They're super connected.
They'll hook you up.
[Bonnie] I talked to Rachel Zlatkin.
She's heavy again.
Good news.
She pulled some strings with Stuart,
and no interview needed.
We got the job.
Your first client is in an hour.
You're welcome.
Oh my God.
My mom got me that dog-walking job
without even asking.
You know, there's a term for a mom
who won't stop hovering over their kid.
Yeah, "helicopter mom."
- Oh, I was gonna say "nosy bitch."
- [patrons gasp]
You cannot smoke in here!
Big weekend.
There's a crazy riptide comin' in.
Gonna be a record-breaking undertow.
Record-breaking camel toe?
I won that in Daytona Beach back in '94.
No, it's the lake's undertow.
It can pull you under
and hold you for hours.
Same with my camel toe.
Tina knows what I'm talkin' about.
I told you
you was gonna get a yeast infection.
Diane, you have been
with that customer for 45 minutes,
and he was bald to begin with.
Gideon, I don't want to embarrass you,
but that customer is legendary
Chicago weatherman Tom Skilling.
And I give my VIPs all the time they need.
It's okay, Diane.
It looks fantastic.
Chance of getting a tip, 100%!
[laughing] Bye, Tom.
You're the wind chill beneath my wings!
Ladies, and Diane, that's it for today.
You're closin' up shop early?
Gideon, I thought
you were this by-the-book lame-o,
but you're a naughty
little party boy, aren't ya?
Look at the time! It's White Claw o'clock!
Ooh, those look fun!
- Let me see.
- Yeah! Let's get nuts, G-string!
My Claws!
Diane, now, I have told you
as many times
as there are rhinestones in your jeggings,
today, we begin corporate training.
Balls. Is that today?
I totally forgot.
I can't make it. I have a hair... cut? Fuck!
No one's goin' anywhere
for the next three days.
Three days?
What is this, frickin' Hanukkah?
No offense, Zuzana.
I am Catholic.
Today, we'll be goin' through
Borough's rules and regulations.
Tomorrow, we'll implement
those policies via role-playing.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- Not that kind of role-playing, Diane.
- [Diane groans]
And the last day is the test,
which you will need to pass
in order to get certified.
Got it. And what if we decide
to not do any of that?
[laughs] Then you can't work here, henny.
[groans]
[Diane slurping]
Diane!
What? Five-minute rule.
I gotta say, this is very exciting.
I thought you were never
gonna clean out Daniel's room.
Of course I was. He's 18 and on his own.
Why would we keep his room
exactly how he left it? That'd be crazy.
Mark, that's not where Pugs Bunny sleeps.
Okay, let's make two piles.
Stuff to save and stuff to throw out,
like these coloring books
from second grade.
Definitely a throw-out, right? Easy peasy.
You know, I feel like we should
just check with Daniel first.
I'm gonna text him a picture
in case he wants to hang on to them.
What about his headgear?
Hey, Mark, I feel like
this is sort of overwhelming for you.
So why don't you just
go assemble the Peloton,
and I will take care of the piles?
Whatever you need.
Hun, this will be good for us.
Oh, his little bathrobe.
- What?
- Nothing.
Let me work.
[Bonnie cooing]
[doorbell ringing]
You're late.
Oh. They told me 3:00.
The help should always arrive
15 minutes early.
Learn that.
All right, this has to be quick.
I have an appointment downtown
I cannot miss.
It's not Botox.
This is Fitzy.
- Hi, Fitzy.
- [Fitzy whimpers]
You can call him Fitzgerald.
Oh, sorry.
He's so cute. How old is he?
Well, he's a third-generation clone,
so technically,
we've had him for 30 years.
But this one is eight.
On your walks, don't crowd him.
He will not make if he can sense you.
Goodbye, baby.
Come on, yes.
[Daniel winces]
[Gideon] Okay, thanks to Diane,
during the break,
I had to go and purchase this buzzer,
which I will now use whenever anybody
makes an inappropriate comment.
[chuckles] Not my fault
our company motto rhymes with "breast."
Laugh it up,
but if you don't learn this,
you will fail the test.
Now, focus.
- Okay, Hitler. I can't say Hitler?
- [buzzing]
- What if I say Hitler was a bad guy?
- [buzz]
Oh my God,
Gideon thinks Hitler is a good guy.
That's so fucked up!
- [buzzing]
- [Gideon groans]
Moving on...
We're gonna go over
to the video component of the training,
where you'll be guided through
an in-depth look at the BO rules.
[buzz]
[jaunty music playing]
'Sup, homies?
It's your boy, Jerry Ferrara.
We're doin' HR over here.
Who the hell is this?
He's Turtle from Entourage.
Mr. Ferrara happens to be
a major shareholder in our parent company.
For Sbarro corporate training,
please skip to chapter eight.
For Borough corporate training,
please skip to chapter two.
For Monsanto corporate...
♪ Hey, Borough folk
Haven't you heard? ♪
♪ I'm here to talk C.R.E.S.T.
It's a company word ♪
Why is he rapping?
That is not rapping.
♪ First up is a concept
That's dear to me ♪
♪ You know I be
Talkin' 'bout consistency ♪
Uh, Gideon?
What's the company policy
on blowing my fuckin' brains out?
[buzzing]
- Good make, Fitzgerald. Good make. Yes.
- [growls]
Oh no, I forgot to bring poop bags.
- Mmm! Beautiful Italian greyhound.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, would you mind
watching him for one second
while I just go get a plastic bag?
- My pleasure, handsome.
- Okay.
Excuse me, do you have,
like, a little bag?
We have a Thai silk gift tote.
It's $53.
Oh, no, just like a plastic baggie.
My dog just made out front.
What dog?
Fitzy!
I mean, Fitzgerald!
Oh, come on!
Well, well, well,
look who came crawling back.
Kurt Kosinski.
Relax, Diane. I'm not here for you.
Daniel called me, for some reason,
to report a missing dog.
I tried 911, but they just laughed at me.
Okay, so, white guy stole dog.
All right, I got all the info I need.
What are the chances we find him?
Very good,
provided he flies out of the city's
second-largest airport while I'm on duty.
Oh, and he better not be a therapy dog,
because legally, I can't question that.
Good to see you, Di.
Holy hell. Sounds like this day
sucked for the both of us, kid.
[phone chimes, buzzes]
[Bonnie] OMG, your old recorder.
Keep, right?
- Ugh! My mom won't stop with these texts.
- [belches]
Poor little Fitzy's missing,
and the company's saying
I owe $3,500 in damages,
which I can't pay
because I don't have a job!
[panting] I think
I'm having heart palpitations.
[panting]
Oh, that's pure grease! [groans]
Oh, sweetie.
It's time to stop listenin' to your mom
and start listenin' to me.
You want a real job in this city?
I'm sending you to the Petes.
Fine, I'll do whatever it takes.
- Okay, here's what you do.
- [cool jazz playing]
You're gonna get on the Blue Line.
If you see a man screaming
in passengers' faces,
don't worry, that's Al.
He's goin' through some stuff.
You're on the right train.
At Ashland Avenue,
you're gonna transfer to the 24 bus.
Tell Randy the driver you're my nephew.
He won't charge you the fare.
Free fare? Diane owes me money!
[music continues]
When you get off the bus at Bryn Mawr,
you're gonna be
in front of Gus's beef stand, 'kay?
Get two beefs, dipped,
half-sweet, half giardiniera.
[Daniel] I can't eat two beefs.
[Diane] Pay attention!
You'll walk 50 yards.
Then you'll see
a chain-link fence. Climb it.
Now, if the dogs are awake,
which they will be
because they're on Adderall,
start running to the front door.
- [barking]
- Throw both sandwiches behind your back.
That should give you time
to climb the second fence.
[Daniel] Why is there a second fence?
[Diane] And that should arrive you
squarely at the feet,
and clubfeet, of the Petes.
Diane sent me.
Why didn't you just use the front door?
[music ends in crescendo]
So how do you like it?
You're the pro. I'm in your hands.
I wish I was in your hands.
Look at those paws.
What are ya, a carpenter?
No, carpentry is just a hobby.
I'm actually a firefighter.
[moans] A-gush!
Back room now!
[buzzing]
Diane, you just broke
every single rule in 12 seconds.
Gideon, not now.
I'm about to fuck this fireman.
This man is a hired actor.
You knew this, Diane!
He's been role-playing all morning.
You're an actor?
I also played a coma victim
on Chicago Med.
[moans] A-double gush!
Okay, this is entrapment. I got witnesses.
- [buzzer splutters]
- You wore out the batteries.
But you know what? I'm done caring.
Because after you bomb this test tomorrow,
I will never have to deal
with you again. Goodbye.
Um, do you know
how much longer this is gonna take?
I have an improv class I have to get to.
Aw, sad gush.
[slamming into window, snarling]
So, no college education, perfect.
- What are your priors?
- My prior employment?
Your prior offenses.
You know, crimes that you committed.
Uh, I never committed any crimes.
[both laughing]
- Same.
- Good one.
- Clean as a whistle.
- Me too.
- I like this kid.
- Me too.
Well, good news, ya got the job.
- Really? That's so great.
- [slamming into window, snarling]
One question.
Will the dogs be chasing me every day?
Oh, you won't be working here.
- [hard blues playing]
- [Little Pete] The city pumping plant.
That baby is where
all the lake water gets filtered
so it's drinkable.
Fully automated,
but a few lucky individuals
get to maintenance it.
It's hard work, but it's rewarding.
As long as I don't have to clean up
dog poop, I'm in.
[laughs] No dog poop here.
Bird poop, yes. That's the entire job.
Everything you'll need is in here.
Calcium nitrate.
Be careful. This stuff is very flammable.
- [Daniel groans]
- A scrub brush.
Uh, oh, mask for the smell, if you want.
Personally, I kinda like it.
The heavy droppings come in post-dinner.
Also, this week is
Bread Fest on the Lakefront.
It's pretty brutal. Let's see.
- [phone chimes, buzzes]
- What else?
[Bonnie] Saving these
till I hear otherwise.
[caws]
Oh, yeah, don't wear
or handle anything shiny.
The birds will attack it.
It's mating season,
and the males are very aggressive,
but not nearly as aggressive
as the females.
Happy scrapin'!
I'll try to be back here
at 9:00 p.m. to pick ya up.
I work till 9:00?
At least!
Stupid Gideon thinks I can't pass a test.
All I do is pass tests.
I passed my drug test high,
my driving test drunk,
and I passed my pregnancy test
drunk and high.
Oh my God, you reek.
Yeah, because the job you got me
is a literal shit show.
And I don't mean "literal"
in the way my generation
constantly uses it wrong.
- [phone rings]
- Ooh, home phone!
That's only for booty calls and creditors.
[clears throat]
Hello, this might be Diane.
[Bonnie] Daniel?
Gross, it's your mom.
I haven't heard from you
in a day and a half.
I can't clean your room
unless you tell me what to keep.
Also, you never told me,
how did the dog walking go?
I can't deal with this right now.
Just get rid of all my stuff.
- But what about your...
- It's all junk. I don't need it.
All cleared out?
- We ready to roll the old girl in?
- [gasps] You too?
All the men in this family
are attacking me today!
Daniel's old gym shorts.
I bet I can squeeze into these.
- Dude.
- Bro?
- Bro?
- Dude?
- Money!
- Money!
Shoot, shoot, shoot, I overslept!
I didn't sleep at all.
I bang-watched
all eight seasons of Entourage.
This show rocks!
Weren't you supposed to be studying?
Oh, I'll be fine.
I got a plan and a backup plan.
Speaking of backups,
take my old cell phone.
[grunts, thuds]
You need a phone, and I don't want
your mom cloggin' up my landline.
A full charge on that bad boy
will give you one minute of talk time.
Thanks, I guess?
Oh, and if Jerry Springer calls,
tell him I'm not goin' back on the show!
[seagulls cawing]
Hey, there's a virus goin' around.
All the birds have diarrhea.
Isn't all bird poop diarrhea?
[laughs] This kid's funny.
[electricity humming, crackling]
[tense music playing]
Five minutes left, ladies.
Oops, my pencil.
Diane, you are clearly cheatin'.
Fuck, my plan!
[phone ringing, buzzing]
Pick up, it's me.
Okay, now I got to take your phone.
Fuck, my backup plan!
I have no part in this.
[rock music plays]
That wasn't even shiny.
Holy hell.
...and Fitzy was returned safe to his owner,
who made a point of telling us
she did not get Botox.
Coming up, a check of the weather.
And also, do squirrels
increase your property value...
[Mark grunts]
- Mark, what is that?
- Nothing.
Come here.
That's Daniel's stuff, isn't it?
I just thought I'd get it started for ya.
I have a system! I have piles!
Why is everyone in such a rush to move on?
Am I being crazy?
[gasps, inhales deeply]
Honey, that's not a question
I should answer.
[chuckles] I miss him, Mark.
Well, this is hard for me too,
but we need to let go a little.
Daniel's gonna be fine, okay?
- [dramatic music]
- Breaking news from the Lakefront.
A massive blaze has engulfed
the city's water processing plant.
Rescue boats are unable
to reach the island
due to record-breaking riptides.
Uh, I'm sor...
Yes, okay. We've just received the name
of the one employee
trapped at the facility,
recent Stanford dropout,
Daniel Whiddington.
[gasps]
I told you I wasn't crazy!
Mark, get off the ground.
Our baby needs us!
[tense music playing]
[tinny pop music ring tone playing]
Ugh. Diane, you have
eight missed calls from "Dumb Be-Yatch"?
Oh, that's my sister. Gimme that.
- Bonnie?
- Goddamn it!
Daniel! Fire! No rescue boats!
- Fucking riptide!
- I'm on it!
Diane, this test is only half filled out.
You leave now, you don't come back.
Oh my God, Gideon!
I didn't memorize
the stupid BO rules, okay?
Ya got me.
But what I do know is my own set of rules,
and they've served me just fine.
My clients can always depend on me.
Technically, that's consistency.
And I never treat them
like they're jagoffs,
even when they're acting like jagoffs.
That's respect.
I eat my lunch on the john,
so I take half the breaks.
That's efficiency.
I stick to light beer when I'm working,
so I never get sloppy.
Uh, safety?
And my coworkers have my back,
and I have theirs
'cause they're like family.
- Teamwork.
- Family...
I mean, teamwork.
But you know who else
is like family? My family!
And right now, they need me,
so I'm gonna go to them.
And if that's not good enough
for you and Turtle from Entourage,
then you can borough your lips
in my ass and kiss it!
Fine, she passes.
Mm-mm-mmm.
To be a white woman in America.
- [sirens wailing]
- Oh!
[Daniel panting, grunting]
- [seagulls cawing]
- Ugh!
My God, Mark, do something!
- [shrinking sound]
- Oh my God! It's ice-cold!
Please, God, don't let me die.
[gagging]
Oh God, please kill me.
[Diane] Daniel, I'm frickin' here for ya!
[to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
♪ Apocalypse now! Apocalypse now! ♪
♪ Apocalypse now! Apocalypse now! ♪
It's right in my ear!
Skilling, drop us down!
Ten-four, Diane!
Daniel, grab my hand!
[heavy metal version
of "Ride of the Valkyries" plays]
- [feedback whines]
- [grunts] Goddamn it! My bad!
- A little help, Tom?
- On it!
Wow! Did I call it, or what?
Look at those riptides! Gorgeous!
- [Diane] Skilling!
- Sorry! Here you go.
Oh my God! Thank you, Aunt Diane!
I gotcha, sweetie.
This isn't the first time Diane's given
a happy ending on Lake Michigan.
- [Skilling, Diane laugh]
- [Diane] Tom, you son of a bitch.
[crowd clamoring, cheering]
Mom. Dad.
Oh! My baby! I was so worried!
Um, you're welcome for saving his life.
You!
Daniel wouldn't be in this situation
if you didn't get him
this insanely dangerous job.
Me? He only took this job
because the one you got him sucked.
This is your fault.
Mark, hold my earrings.
Mark, hold my belly-button ring.
Oh my God, it stinks.
Stop, all of you!
This is my life!
And I'm gonna make mistakes,
but I want them to be my mistakes!
And I'm sorry I'm yelling,
but I have so much adrenaline
pumping through my body! [shuddering gasp]
You're my mom, and I'll always need you,
but I need some distance,
so ease up on me.
- [Diane] Yeah, totally!
- And you, you're not just my aunt,
you're also, sadly, my best friend.
Aw.
So, I need you to back up
my choices sometimes.
Tomorrow, I'm applying
for that job at Kreativ Jus,
like I wanted to to begin with.
I will be fine. I can take care of myself.
- [whispers] Dad, I can see your scrotum.
- Oh!
Did you hear that? Best friend!
He did say, "Sadly."
Just keep an eye on him, okay?
He's fine. No one died...
That fuckin' rocked!
Okay, I'll keep a closer eye on him.
I have a razzy spazzy for "Tits McGee"?
[laughs]
Hi, Aunt Diane.
I'm your wellness collaborator.
Can I add a shot to enhance your vitality?
No, thanks, honey.
I brought my own. [gasps]
Oh, your ma came by
and dropped off a new phone for ya.
[Bonnie] Do you recognize your old room?
That's not where Pugs Bunny sleeps.
You know, this place is all right.
I could see myself hangin' around here.
Comfy couch! That thing pull out?
Don't you have work?
[Diane snoring]
[patron] Underwear! Oh my God!
[closing theme music playing]