Chicago Party Aunt (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Chicago Party Aunt - full transcript
There is no city
on God's green earth
that rocks harder than Chicago, Illinois.
The legends from this city are so badass,
they only need one name:
Oprah, Ditka, Bozo.
And me, Diane.
You know how they call Chicago
the city of broad shoulders?
Well, I'm the broad.
Just like me,
this city has been through some shit,
but it always finds a way
to bounce back, baby.
Like in 1871,
when the whole damn place
burned to the ground.
We didn't cry about it.
We built that bitch right back up.
Then there was Prohibition.
When the country said you can't drink,
we said, "Eff dat. Make it a double."
'Cause in Chicago...
...we do things big, baby.
In fact, Chicago does things so big,
our parties are
whole frickin' neighborhoods,
and I live in the best one: Wrigleyville.
Where you can let your hair down,
and when you gotta yak,
there's always someone
to hold it back for ya.
Me! And I'm gonna party my tits off!
Diane! Diane!
Diane! Diane!
- Diane! Diane!
- Diane! Diane!
Diane! Diane!
Wake up!
Damn it, Kurt,
you woke me up mid-party dream.
That's dangerous.
Jesus, Di. I don't know
what you got into last night,
but you came home
and drank the bottle of brandy
my dad had with him on D-Day.
Then you forgot to close the window
after you had a smoke,
and Butkus almost fell out.
You're not even supposed to
have that as a pet.
He was in the Reptile Lost and Found.
Poor guy had 18 condoms of heroin
in his little belly.
Big whoop, we've all been to Mexico.
Why are you so angry today?
You havin' a 'roid flare-up?
Diane, yesterday was our anniversary.
Uh, no doy.
That's why I got you...
Al's Beef!
You ate it all.
There's a couple of fries in the bag.
I don't want bag fries.
I want my wife to remember the anniversary
of the second time we got married.
Be Zen.
Phil Jackson, Phil Jackson.
Diane, I'm getting too old
to live like this.
Based on my family history
and cholesterol level,
I'm gonna die five years ago.
Come on, Kurt, we do this all the time.
You get mad, say you're gonna leave,
then we angry 69, and it's all good.
So let's unpack that duffel,
grab some wet wipes, and...
Not this time. I'm done.
This isn't Jordan leaving in '93.
It's Jordan leaving in '98.
Good luck doing better than this!
Gettin' dumped is
the worst way to start off a Monday.
Monday? Oh shit, it's Tuesday.
It's my nephew's birthday.
Happy birthday, sweetie. Whassup?
- Hi, Aunt Diane.
- Say it.
- I can't talk.
- Say it.
Whassup?
You're finally 18!
You know what I was doing when I was 18?
Jim Belushi. Ugh.
Played his goddamn harmonica
the whole time.
Aunt Diane, I can't really talk...
Hey, no phones during dodgeball.
Can I pick the janitor?
No, you gotta pick Daniel.
Thank you, Barack Obama.
Okay, love you, sweetie.
What the hell?
Hey, where's Stavros?
I beg your pardon?
Stavros.
Little Greek guy, unibrow,
owns the coffee place next door.
Oh, we just bought that building.
Kreativ Jus is expanding.
By the way, I'm Feather,
one of the wellness collaborators.
Yeah, hi. Where's your alkaline water?
By the chia seeds.
If you hit the celery milk,
you've gone too far.
You know what I drink, sweetie?
Hose water, straight from Lake Michigan.
Lake Michigan
has extremely high levels of E. coli.
Don't be afraid
of a little diarrhea, honey.
Keeps you slim.
Not that you gotta worry about it.
Sweet Christ, you are tight.
Anyhoo, Feather,
give me an extra-large half coffee,
half cream, half Splendas
with crushed-up Excedrin on the rim.
It sounds like you're worried
about inflammation.
Can I interest you in a CBD latte?
Reefer that don't get you high?
Go scratch.
Girls, stop what you're doin'.
I need a Diane day. Kurt left me.
No. The day after y'all anniversary?
I know. What a jagbag.
Don't you do the mutual oral sex?
- And then the fight is over, right?
- Like I didn't try that, Zuzana.
I'm canceling all my appointment.
Tina, get out your tarot cards.
I need a reading.
Zuzs, take off your Crocs.
You're walkin' on my back.
Anyway, we got a score?
Oh shit, cable's out.
Zuzana, keep your Crocs on.
You're goin' to the roof.
Diane, Diane, the new manager said
no more Cubs games at work.
Oh, the new manager.
You mean Mr. Fancy Pants from New York,
with his skinny little pizzas
and his big, fat bagels?
Well, when New Dork Shitty gets here,
I'm gonna remind him that this
is Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips.
We were built on Chicago sports
and the haircuts that defined 'em.
And in this place, on that screen,
when the Cubs are playin',
we watch 'em fuckin' play.
Diane, Gideon, our new manager.
Just got in from, how did you put it,
New Dork Shitty?
Anyhoo, let's open up.
We did, 45 minutes ago.
Great. What'd I miss?
Well, I was telling Tina and Zuzana
about the big renovation.
All these chairs? Gone.
The TVs will be showing
silent music videos,
and we'll be going cashless.
Okay, but just keep in mind,
we're pretty old school
at Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips...
- Borough.
- What's that?
The salon has been renamed Borough.
It is our first location
outside of New York.
That is so great.
What a fun day full of extreme changes.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a sec,
I'm gonna hit the head.
- Give me the keys, motherfucker.
- Please don't kill me! Take everything!
Here's my phone. Here's my wallet!
My PIN number's eight, four...
Jesus, Diane. I do not like that.
That's the risk you take
coming into the big city, Mark.
- She got you, Dad.
- There's the birthday boy!
Aw!
Oh, I got you a present.
Tip it back. His boxers come off
so you can see what Dave's packin'...
Diane, he's 18.
- I know. He can legally drink.
- That's not...
This is actually apropos, Aunt Diane.
We're going to the Art Institute
to see Hannah Black's video installation.
It's a reimagining
of all the Renaissance Masters.
But first, lunch at the Palmer House.
Sucks.
Speakin' of which, where's my sister?
Oh, um, she's... Uh...
Well, what's goin' on with you, Diane?
Your hair looks... consistent.
Mark, I know when you're hiding something
'cause your milky skin gets pink.
- Okay, she's upstairs.
- Mwah!
Well, if it isn't
the Wicked Witch of the North Shore.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
We'll be in touch.
If you're thinkin' about rentin' out
the second room, Bonnie,
you gotta tell me.
I keep my wet clothes in there.
She's not moving in.
She stages apartments.
Diane, look, you know Daniel
got into Stanford, right?
I know. And I hope
my recommendation letter helped.
Yeah.
Besides being one of
the most elite universities in the world,
it's also incredibly expensive.
So Mark and I
have to offload some of our assets.
English, please.
Oh my God, I'm selling the condo.
So I'm gonna have a new landlord?
You have to move out, Diane.
What? How could you do this to me?
After all the work I put into this place?
The Van Halen Fatheads,
that poster of the Fridge on the fridge...
Maybe this'll be good for you.
It could be
the kick in the pants you need.
What the hell does that mean?
I mean, don't you think
it's time for you to reevaluate?
Wait, where is the dishwasher?
I upgraded it to a kegerator.
Oh. I can't get into this right now.
A homeless person just walked
past the car, and Mark is nervous.
A homeless person?
You mean, like what you just made me?
You have one week.
Oh, that's plenty of time.
I've gotten pregnant
and un-pregnant in one week!
I am just fine, baby!
So Kurt's gone, job is rocky,
and the apartment situation
ain't lookin' good.
That's a three-peat but in a bad way.
Luckily, I can always count on
my baby boy, Mikey.
Hi, Mikey!
Most mothers would be horrified
if their son just got hit in the face
with a 48-pound Samsonite,
but my Mikey has the skull of a ram.
He's been hit in the head
at every single Chicago sporting event.
That huge, hard melon
is why he's my only kid.
Tore me apart comin' out.
Hi, baby. I brought you rib tips.
Ma, I'm super busy.
Southwest keeps addin'
these "wanna get aways,"
and all the bags fly free.
You know what would help?
If I moved in with you for a bit.
I could cook you breakfast gyros.
I'm sorry, Ma.
Dad already took
the Murphy bed in the garage.
That slippery motherfucker.
I can't believe he would stoop
to askin' his own child to bail him out.
What about the shed in back?
I would never let my mother
live in a frickin' shed.
Besides, my buddy Anton's living there
until his wife gets out of jail.
You know what? You're right.
I'm better than a shed.
I should upgrade a little.
I love you, honey.
And remember, always lift with your back.
Goddamn it!
That is for sure over 50 pounds.
So I'd like somewhere with a pool.
Above ground is preferred.
And I need a three-car garage
'cause I gotta park
my Camaro horizontally.
Okay, that's a lot of amenities.
Oh, your credit report just came in.
- I don't think I can help you.
- Why? What is it?
Negative 70.
Ah! It went up.
Maybe we need to reassess your criteria.
That's fine. I'm super flex.
If it's an in-ground pool, I'll deal.
I gotta run to work. I believe in you...
- Carl.
- Carl.
The cut looks great, honey.
Very Dennis Franz.
That'll be... 36 dollars?
Jesus, what a rip!
But totally worth it.
Do you take Apple Pay?
Yeah, sure.
One bushel of apples ought to do it.
Seriously, just scan my phone.
Ah, shit. Let me figure out
this goddamn nerd pad.
Oops. Wrong button. Maybe this...
Okay, now that we've sanitized
the perineum,
let's remove this ingrown hair.
Diane, turn this off.
Shit. Sorry. Hold on.
And why are you watchin' this at work?
You said I couldn't watch the Cubs.
Turn it off, now.
Got it. So you hit "off."
Diane, you haven't had a client
in your chair for two days,
so I put you at the front counter,
and somehow, that was worse.
So back to the chair?
Diane, to be honest,
I don't know where I can put you.
Maybe you just don't fit in here.
Oh, I see what's goin' on.
Well, that's too bad.
'Cause I really wanted
to fit in here at Borough
'cause this place rocks.
Psych.
Now, when a white person
tells you they're from Chicago,
they're actually
most likely from a suburb,
like where my sister Bonnie lives.
Hey. I'm talking to my Stanford roommate.
Mom's in the kitchen.
Here, sweetie, kill this for me.
Oh, I don't want this.
Hi. Place looks great.
Love the curtains and shit.
Listen, I gotta talk to you, in private.
Anything you say to me,
you can say in front of Mark.
Okay. Hey, I can't stop queefing.
I'm gonna go charge the leaf blower.
Anyhooters, whaddya think about
giving me an extension on the apartment?
Two, maybe three years.
Gotta get my freakin' ducks in a barrel.
Absolutely not.
I thought it might come to this.
This is an Uno's Pizzeria
platinum gold card.
It entitles the cardholder to free
unlimited deep dish pizza for life.
I won it in a thong contest
on Mancow's Morning Madhouse.
Obviously, the value of the card
far exceeds the price of the rent,
so we're gonna have to prorate
the difference.
Wow, what a reasonable trade-off.
I rescind my offer.
Actually, while you're here,
I do need you to sign this.
It just says that you will vacate
the condo on the agreed-upon date.
Feel free to have
your lawyer look it over.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I'll just run it by my lawyer.
And my stockbroker and my dentist.
Come on, Bonnie, you know
I can't afford those luxuries.
Not everyone married a trust-fund baby.
Stop saying everyone who has a steady job
is a trust-fund baby.
I'm not signing your stupid papers.
And to think, I almost gave you
free deep dish for life.
Unlimited toppings, up to three.
No premium meats.
Not available on weekend nights.
Void where prohibited...
Diane, go home.
You hungry, kiddo?
My roommate's name is Thorn.
He's on a water polo scholarship,
and he says his girlfriend
will be sleeping over a lot.
I shouldn't complain.
Stanford is one of
the elite universities in the world.
You sound like your frickin' mom.
What are you really feeling?
Okay, I'll go first.
I know when you look at me, you think,
"Damn, my aunt's got her shit together."
But if I'm being honest,
I'm kind of in a rebuilding year,
and I don't know what's next for me.
Now, you go.
Well, I think I got so caught up
in everybody wanting me to go to Stanford,
I never asked myself
if I wanted to go there.
I felt the same way
when I went to Medieval Times
for my third bachelorette party.
Did you know all that shit's fake?
Yeah, we kept telling you.
Why am I gonna move
2,000 miles away to find myself,
when I don't even know who I am here?
I know who you are.
You're my amazing nephew.
You're cool and kind and talented.
Hello!
With all your art stuff?
You're gonna be aces
no matter where you end up.
You really like my artwork?
It's incredible, Daniel.
And I think art sucks.
Oh, it's my Realtor. Go for Diane.
Hello, Diane, great news.
Found a place,
and it's in your price range.
Sweet Ditka's dick.
See, Daniel? Things do work out.
What neighborhood is it in?
Pilsen? Back of the Yards?
Uptown? Downtown?
Logan Square? Lincoln Square?
Lincoln Park? Garfield Park?
Morgan Park? Hyde Park? Would love a park.
It's in Hammond.
Hammond? But that's in...
Indiana.
No!
Maybe Indiana isn't that bad.
Are you kiddin' me?
I'm gonna move to that shithole
and become one of those invisible women
who eat Stouffer's creamed spinach soufflé
by herself every night,
until one day her cats turn on her
and boom! I'm frickin' dead.
And I'll never see you again
because I'll be stuck in California
listening to Thorn
not satisfying his girlfriend.
You know what?
You're leavin'. I'm leavin'. Fuck it.
Let's have the rager to end all ragers.
One last chance for us
to jam out with our clams out.
Yeah, I don't see
how clam-jamming would fix this.
It won't. This world is filled with shit
that we can't control.
Your husband leaves,
you get a jagbag of a boss,
your whore sister kicks you out.
- Please don't call my mother that.
- Daniel, it's like I always say.
When life gives you lemons,
you turn that shit
into Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Whoo!
Thanks for comin', sweetie.
Ooh, I'll take a hit of that.
Fuck Green Bay!
Bottoms up.
My girls!
God bless you two.
I'm gonna miss you both so much.
It won't be the same without you.
It'll be less loud,
less smoky, and less fun.
You said it.
Scottie Pippen. Ya made it.
You told me the other Bulls would be here.
I did. I did say that.
Find me later. I'm single again.
We can play "Just the Tip in with Pippen."
I know, right?
There he is. My handsome nephew.
What I wouldn't give to be 18 again
and living down in the city.
Well, actually, I'm going to coll...
Whoa-whoa-whoa, Styx. Hold up, boys.
Can I get everyone's attention?
Tonight, we are celebratin'
the end of an era.
As some of you may know,
this'll be the last rager
thrown at this address.
- What?
- No way.
Where are the other Bulls?
But more importantly,
we are also here to celebrate
the start of a new era.
I'd like to give a toast to my nephew.
Daniel Whiddington,
get your juicy little fanny up here.
This is the best night of my life!
It's a miracle he turned out so good,
'cause his dad is a pussy
and his mom is a dick.
What da fuck?
- Mom?
- Bonnie?
Put that goddamn beer stein down.
Oh, no, her Chicago accent's out.
- Did you tell her about the party?
- No.
I tracked his phone,
and I saw he was here.
That's an invasion of my privacy.
You, get your things.
You, fire escape, now.
Everything's okay.
Party's still on.
Styx, play "Come Sail Away."
Listen, Bonnie...
I should call the cops on you
for getting my underage son drunk.
The cops?
Who do you think brought the nitrous?
Look at you.
You're chasing a party
that ended 20 years ago.
Why do you think
Mom and Dad moved to Arizona?
Because the dry air
is good for Dad's gout.
No, it was to get away from you.
You're just like Chicago,
a huge mess
whose best days are behind you.
I am just like Chicago!
Yeah, we ain't perfect.
The South Side is very screwed up.
North Side, a little better.
A lot of work and money
has been put into it. That makes sense.
At least I don't worry about
what everyone thinks
and pretend to be somethin' I'm not,
which is exactly
what you're doin' to Daniel.
Well, guess what? He's goin' to college.
So worry about your own degenerate ass.
Don't talk to her like that way.
Daniel, you're drunk.
Go downstairs and get in the car.
You're not the boss of me anymore.
Get in the goddamn car.
Okay.
Nine a.m. tomorrow, you're out.
And clean this fucking place up.
♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ Come sail away with me ♪
Daniel, you okay?
No.
Is this how Aunt Diane feels
every morning?
Yes, it is. And it's very sad.
Ugh. This is all because of her.
It is because of her.
Mom, we need to talk...
...in ten minutes.
Hey.
Hey.
I put the dishwasher back in.
I see.
It's upside down,
but I appreciate the effort.
I signed those forms you asked for.
Oh, you didn't sign it Tits McGee.
Nah, I used my real name.
You were right, Bon. I need to reevaluate.
Anyhoo, Indiana's a short drive...
Diane, stop.
I don't know
what happened here last night,
but Daniel has decided he doesn't want
to go to Stanford at this time.
Oh shit. You must be so pissed.
I am.
I... I was. But I thought about it,
and I've never seen him
so happy and confident.
And hungover.
But as Brené Brown says, when your child
is happy, you need to support them.
Tits up, tits out. What are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
You're gonna let him live here with you
while he takes a year
to figure things out.
Whatever that means.
Go scratch. Does that mean...
We're not selling the place. Yet.
Whassup?
- Whassup?
- Whassup?
Whassup?
- Whassup?
- Whassup?
Stop! Daniel, you don't even know
what that's from.
Let's celebrate. First round on me!
Oh shit, I don't have a job.
Actually, I might have an idea.
She's back.
Did you come back here to pick up
the beer bong you left behind?
Nope, I came in to cut hair.
Turns out a party invite
is a great way to make a client list.
Whaddya think, Gideon?
Chair three.
Oh, my bad!
on God's green earth
that rocks harder than Chicago, Illinois.
The legends from this city are so badass,
they only need one name:
Oprah, Ditka, Bozo.
And me, Diane.
You know how they call Chicago
the city of broad shoulders?
Well, I'm the broad.
Just like me,
this city has been through some shit,
but it always finds a way
to bounce back, baby.
Like in 1871,
when the whole damn place
burned to the ground.
We didn't cry about it.
We built that bitch right back up.
Then there was Prohibition.
When the country said you can't drink,
we said, "Eff dat. Make it a double."
'Cause in Chicago...
...we do things big, baby.
In fact, Chicago does things so big,
our parties are
whole frickin' neighborhoods,
and I live in the best one: Wrigleyville.
Where you can let your hair down,
and when you gotta yak,
there's always someone
to hold it back for ya.
Me! And I'm gonna party my tits off!
Diane! Diane!
Diane! Diane!
- Diane! Diane!
- Diane! Diane!
Diane! Diane!
Wake up!
Damn it, Kurt,
you woke me up mid-party dream.
That's dangerous.
Jesus, Di. I don't know
what you got into last night,
but you came home
and drank the bottle of brandy
my dad had with him on D-Day.
Then you forgot to close the window
after you had a smoke,
and Butkus almost fell out.
You're not even supposed to
have that as a pet.
He was in the Reptile Lost and Found.
Poor guy had 18 condoms of heroin
in his little belly.
Big whoop, we've all been to Mexico.
Why are you so angry today?
You havin' a 'roid flare-up?
Diane, yesterday was our anniversary.
Uh, no doy.
That's why I got you...
Al's Beef!
You ate it all.
There's a couple of fries in the bag.
I don't want bag fries.
I want my wife to remember the anniversary
of the second time we got married.
Be Zen.
Phil Jackson, Phil Jackson.
Diane, I'm getting too old
to live like this.
Based on my family history
and cholesterol level,
I'm gonna die five years ago.
Come on, Kurt, we do this all the time.
You get mad, say you're gonna leave,
then we angry 69, and it's all good.
So let's unpack that duffel,
grab some wet wipes, and...
Not this time. I'm done.
This isn't Jordan leaving in '93.
It's Jordan leaving in '98.
Good luck doing better than this!
Gettin' dumped is
the worst way to start off a Monday.
Monday? Oh shit, it's Tuesday.
It's my nephew's birthday.
Happy birthday, sweetie. Whassup?
- Hi, Aunt Diane.
- Say it.
- I can't talk.
- Say it.
Whassup?
You're finally 18!
You know what I was doing when I was 18?
Jim Belushi. Ugh.
Played his goddamn harmonica
the whole time.
Aunt Diane, I can't really talk...
Hey, no phones during dodgeball.
Can I pick the janitor?
No, you gotta pick Daniel.
Thank you, Barack Obama.
Okay, love you, sweetie.
What the hell?
Hey, where's Stavros?
I beg your pardon?
Stavros.
Little Greek guy, unibrow,
owns the coffee place next door.
Oh, we just bought that building.
Kreativ Jus is expanding.
By the way, I'm Feather,
one of the wellness collaborators.
Yeah, hi. Where's your alkaline water?
By the chia seeds.
If you hit the celery milk,
you've gone too far.
You know what I drink, sweetie?
Hose water, straight from Lake Michigan.
Lake Michigan
has extremely high levels of E. coli.
Don't be afraid
of a little diarrhea, honey.
Keeps you slim.
Not that you gotta worry about it.
Sweet Christ, you are tight.
Anyhoo, Feather,
give me an extra-large half coffee,
half cream, half Splendas
with crushed-up Excedrin on the rim.
It sounds like you're worried
about inflammation.
Can I interest you in a CBD latte?
Reefer that don't get you high?
Go scratch.
Girls, stop what you're doin'.
I need a Diane day. Kurt left me.
No. The day after y'all anniversary?
I know. What a jagbag.
Don't you do the mutual oral sex?
- And then the fight is over, right?
- Like I didn't try that, Zuzana.
I'm canceling all my appointment.
Tina, get out your tarot cards.
I need a reading.
Zuzs, take off your Crocs.
You're walkin' on my back.
Anyway, we got a score?
Oh shit, cable's out.
Zuzana, keep your Crocs on.
You're goin' to the roof.
Diane, Diane, the new manager said
no more Cubs games at work.
Oh, the new manager.
You mean Mr. Fancy Pants from New York,
with his skinny little pizzas
and his big, fat bagels?
Well, when New Dork Shitty gets here,
I'm gonna remind him that this
is Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips.
We were built on Chicago sports
and the haircuts that defined 'em.
And in this place, on that screen,
when the Cubs are playin',
we watch 'em fuckin' play.
Diane, Gideon, our new manager.
Just got in from, how did you put it,
New Dork Shitty?
Anyhoo, let's open up.
We did, 45 minutes ago.
Great. What'd I miss?
Well, I was telling Tina and Zuzana
about the big renovation.
All these chairs? Gone.
The TVs will be showing
silent music videos,
and we'll be going cashless.
Okay, but just keep in mind,
we're pretty old school
at Chi City Sports Cuts and Clips...
- Borough.
- What's that?
The salon has been renamed Borough.
It is our first location
outside of New York.
That is so great.
What a fun day full of extreme changes.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a sec,
I'm gonna hit the head.
- Give me the keys, motherfucker.
- Please don't kill me! Take everything!
Here's my phone. Here's my wallet!
My PIN number's eight, four...
Jesus, Diane. I do not like that.
That's the risk you take
coming into the big city, Mark.
- She got you, Dad.
- There's the birthday boy!
Aw!
Oh, I got you a present.
Tip it back. His boxers come off
so you can see what Dave's packin'...
Diane, he's 18.
- I know. He can legally drink.
- That's not...
This is actually apropos, Aunt Diane.
We're going to the Art Institute
to see Hannah Black's video installation.
It's a reimagining
of all the Renaissance Masters.
But first, lunch at the Palmer House.
Sucks.
Speakin' of which, where's my sister?
Oh, um, she's... Uh...
Well, what's goin' on with you, Diane?
Your hair looks... consistent.
Mark, I know when you're hiding something
'cause your milky skin gets pink.
- Okay, she's upstairs.
- Mwah!
Well, if it isn't
the Wicked Witch of the North Shore.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
We'll be in touch.
If you're thinkin' about rentin' out
the second room, Bonnie,
you gotta tell me.
I keep my wet clothes in there.
She's not moving in.
She stages apartments.
Diane, look, you know Daniel
got into Stanford, right?
I know. And I hope
my recommendation letter helped.
Yeah.
Besides being one of
the most elite universities in the world,
it's also incredibly expensive.
So Mark and I
have to offload some of our assets.
English, please.
Oh my God, I'm selling the condo.
So I'm gonna have a new landlord?
You have to move out, Diane.
What? How could you do this to me?
After all the work I put into this place?
The Van Halen Fatheads,
that poster of the Fridge on the fridge...
Maybe this'll be good for you.
It could be
the kick in the pants you need.
What the hell does that mean?
I mean, don't you think
it's time for you to reevaluate?
Wait, where is the dishwasher?
I upgraded it to a kegerator.
Oh. I can't get into this right now.
A homeless person just walked
past the car, and Mark is nervous.
A homeless person?
You mean, like what you just made me?
You have one week.
Oh, that's plenty of time.
I've gotten pregnant
and un-pregnant in one week!
I am just fine, baby!
So Kurt's gone, job is rocky,
and the apartment situation
ain't lookin' good.
That's a three-peat but in a bad way.
Luckily, I can always count on
my baby boy, Mikey.
Hi, Mikey!
Most mothers would be horrified
if their son just got hit in the face
with a 48-pound Samsonite,
but my Mikey has the skull of a ram.
He's been hit in the head
at every single Chicago sporting event.
That huge, hard melon
is why he's my only kid.
Tore me apart comin' out.
Hi, baby. I brought you rib tips.
Ma, I'm super busy.
Southwest keeps addin'
these "wanna get aways,"
and all the bags fly free.
You know what would help?
If I moved in with you for a bit.
I could cook you breakfast gyros.
I'm sorry, Ma.
Dad already took
the Murphy bed in the garage.
That slippery motherfucker.
I can't believe he would stoop
to askin' his own child to bail him out.
What about the shed in back?
I would never let my mother
live in a frickin' shed.
Besides, my buddy Anton's living there
until his wife gets out of jail.
You know what? You're right.
I'm better than a shed.
I should upgrade a little.
I love you, honey.
And remember, always lift with your back.
Goddamn it!
That is for sure over 50 pounds.
So I'd like somewhere with a pool.
Above ground is preferred.
And I need a three-car garage
'cause I gotta park
my Camaro horizontally.
Okay, that's a lot of amenities.
Oh, your credit report just came in.
- I don't think I can help you.
- Why? What is it?
Negative 70.
Ah! It went up.
Maybe we need to reassess your criteria.
That's fine. I'm super flex.
If it's an in-ground pool, I'll deal.
I gotta run to work. I believe in you...
- Carl.
- Carl.
The cut looks great, honey.
Very Dennis Franz.
That'll be... 36 dollars?
Jesus, what a rip!
But totally worth it.
Do you take Apple Pay?
Yeah, sure.
One bushel of apples ought to do it.
Seriously, just scan my phone.
Ah, shit. Let me figure out
this goddamn nerd pad.
Oops. Wrong button. Maybe this...
Okay, now that we've sanitized
the perineum,
let's remove this ingrown hair.
Diane, turn this off.
Shit. Sorry. Hold on.
And why are you watchin' this at work?
You said I couldn't watch the Cubs.
Turn it off, now.
Got it. So you hit "off."
Diane, you haven't had a client
in your chair for two days,
so I put you at the front counter,
and somehow, that was worse.
So back to the chair?
Diane, to be honest,
I don't know where I can put you.
Maybe you just don't fit in here.
Oh, I see what's goin' on.
Well, that's too bad.
'Cause I really wanted
to fit in here at Borough
'cause this place rocks.
Psych.
Now, when a white person
tells you they're from Chicago,
they're actually
most likely from a suburb,
like where my sister Bonnie lives.
Hey. I'm talking to my Stanford roommate.
Mom's in the kitchen.
Here, sweetie, kill this for me.
Oh, I don't want this.
Hi. Place looks great.
Love the curtains and shit.
Listen, I gotta talk to you, in private.
Anything you say to me,
you can say in front of Mark.
Okay. Hey, I can't stop queefing.
I'm gonna go charge the leaf blower.
Anyhooters, whaddya think about
giving me an extension on the apartment?
Two, maybe three years.
Gotta get my freakin' ducks in a barrel.
Absolutely not.
I thought it might come to this.
This is an Uno's Pizzeria
platinum gold card.
It entitles the cardholder to free
unlimited deep dish pizza for life.
I won it in a thong contest
on Mancow's Morning Madhouse.
Obviously, the value of the card
far exceeds the price of the rent,
so we're gonna have to prorate
the difference.
Wow, what a reasonable trade-off.
I rescind my offer.
Actually, while you're here,
I do need you to sign this.
It just says that you will vacate
the condo on the agreed-upon date.
Feel free to have
your lawyer look it over.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I'll just run it by my lawyer.
And my stockbroker and my dentist.
Come on, Bonnie, you know
I can't afford those luxuries.
Not everyone married a trust-fund baby.
Stop saying everyone who has a steady job
is a trust-fund baby.
I'm not signing your stupid papers.
And to think, I almost gave you
free deep dish for life.
Unlimited toppings, up to three.
No premium meats.
Not available on weekend nights.
Void where prohibited...
Diane, go home.
You hungry, kiddo?
My roommate's name is Thorn.
He's on a water polo scholarship,
and he says his girlfriend
will be sleeping over a lot.
I shouldn't complain.
Stanford is one of
the elite universities in the world.
You sound like your frickin' mom.
What are you really feeling?
Okay, I'll go first.
I know when you look at me, you think,
"Damn, my aunt's got her shit together."
But if I'm being honest,
I'm kind of in a rebuilding year,
and I don't know what's next for me.
Now, you go.
Well, I think I got so caught up
in everybody wanting me to go to Stanford,
I never asked myself
if I wanted to go there.
I felt the same way
when I went to Medieval Times
for my third bachelorette party.
Did you know all that shit's fake?
Yeah, we kept telling you.
Why am I gonna move
2,000 miles away to find myself,
when I don't even know who I am here?
I know who you are.
You're my amazing nephew.
You're cool and kind and talented.
Hello!
With all your art stuff?
You're gonna be aces
no matter where you end up.
You really like my artwork?
It's incredible, Daniel.
And I think art sucks.
Oh, it's my Realtor. Go for Diane.
Hello, Diane, great news.
Found a place,
and it's in your price range.
Sweet Ditka's dick.
See, Daniel? Things do work out.
What neighborhood is it in?
Pilsen? Back of the Yards?
Uptown? Downtown?
Logan Square? Lincoln Square?
Lincoln Park? Garfield Park?
Morgan Park? Hyde Park? Would love a park.
It's in Hammond.
Hammond? But that's in...
Indiana.
No!
Maybe Indiana isn't that bad.
Are you kiddin' me?
I'm gonna move to that shithole
and become one of those invisible women
who eat Stouffer's creamed spinach soufflé
by herself every night,
until one day her cats turn on her
and boom! I'm frickin' dead.
And I'll never see you again
because I'll be stuck in California
listening to Thorn
not satisfying his girlfriend.
You know what?
You're leavin'. I'm leavin'. Fuck it.
Let's have the rager to end all ragers.
One last chance for us
to jam out with our clams out.
Yeah, I don't see
how clam-jamming would fix this.
It won't. This world is filled with shit
that we can't control.
Your husband leaves,
you get a jagbag of a boss,
your whore sister kicks you out.
- Please don't call my mother that.
- Daniel, it's like I always say.
When life gives you lemons,
you turn that shit
into Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Whoo!
Thanks for comin', sweetie.
Ooh, I'll take a hit of that.
Fuck Green Bay!
Bottoms up.
My girls!
God bless you two.
I'm gonna miss you both so much.
It won't be the same without you.
It'll be less loud,
less smoky, and less fun.
You said it.
Scottie Pippen. Ya made it.
You told me the other Bulls would be here.
I did. I did say that.
Find me later. I'm single again.
We can play "Just the Tip in with Pippen."
I know, right?
There he is. My handsome nephew.
What I wouldn't give to be 18 again
and living down in the city.
Well, actually, I'm going to coll...
Whoa-whoa-whoa, Styx. Hold up, boys.
Can I get everyone's attention?
Tonight, we are celebratin'
the end of an era.
As some of you may know,
this'll be the last rager
thrown at this address.
- What?
- No way.
Where are the other Bulls?
But more importantly,
we are also here to celebrate
the start of a new era.
I'd like to give a toast to my nephew.
Daniel Whiddington,
get your juicy little fanny up here.
This is the best night of my life!
It's a miracle he turned out so good,
'cause his dad is a pussy
and his mom is a dick.
What da fuck?
- Mom?
- Bonnie?
Put that goddamn beer stein down.
Oh, no, her Chicago accent's out.
- Did you tell her about the party?
- No.
I tracked his phone,
and I saw he was here.
That's an invasion of my privacy.
You, get your things.
You, fire escape, now.
Everything's okay.
Party's still on.
Styx, play "Come Sail Away."
Listen, Bonnie...
I should call the cops on you
for getting my underage son drunk.
The cops?
Who do you think brought the nitrous?
Look at you.
You're chasing a party
that ended 20 years ago.
Why do you think
Mom and Dad moved to Arizona?
Because the dry air
is good for Dad's gout.
No, it was to get away from you.
You're just like Chicago,
a huge mess
whose best days are behind you.
I am just like Chicago!
Yeah, we ain't perfect.
The South Side is very screwed up.
North Side, a little better.
A lot of work and money
has been put into it. That makes sense.
At least I don't worry about
what everyone thinks
and pretend to be somethin' I'm not,
which is exactly
what you're doin' to Daniel.
Well, guess what? He's goin' to college.
So worry about your own degenerate ass.
Don't talk to her like that way.
Daniel, you're drunk.
Go downstairs and get in the car.
You're not the boss of me anymore.
Get in the goddamn car.
Okay.
Nine a.m. tomorrow, you're out.
And clean this fucking place up.
♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ Come sail away with me ♪
Daniel, you okay?
No.
Is this how Aunt Diane feels
every morning?
Yes, it is. And it's very sad.
Ugh. This is all because of her.
It is because of her.
Mom, we need to talk...
...in ten minutes.
Hey.
Hey.
I put the dishwasher back in.
I see.
It's upside down,
but I appreciate the effort.
I signed those forms you asked for.
Oh, you didn't sign it Tits McGee.
Nah, I used my real name.
You were right, Bon. I need to reevaluate.
Anyhoo, Indiana's a short drive...
Diane, stop.
I don't know
what happened here last night,
but Daniel has decided he doesn't want
to go to Stanford at this time.
Oh shit. You must be so pissed.
I am.
I... I was. But I thought about it,
and I've never seen him
so happy and confident.
And hungover.
But as Brené Brown says, when your child
is happy, you need to support them.
Tits up, tits out. What are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
You're gonna let him live here with you
while he takes a year
to figure things out.
Whatever that means.
Go scratch. Does that mean...
We're not selling the place. Yet.
Whassup?
- Whassup?
- Whassup?
Whassup?
- Whassup?
- Whassup?
Stop! Daniel, you don't even know
what that's from.
Let's celebrate. First round on me!
Oh shit, I don't have a job.
Actually, I might have an idea.
She's back.
Did you come back here to pick up
the beer bong you left behind?
Nope, I came in to cut hair.
Turns out a party invite
is a great way to make a client list.
Whaddya think, Gideon?
Chair three.
Oh, my bad!