Chicago Party Aunt (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Ribs for Her Pleasure - full transcript
[neon buzzing]
[Diane] Nothin' says summer in Chicago
like a bunch of sunburned drunk people
eatin' meat outside,
aka Ribfest.
It's the one time of year
I'm not the only saucy bitch
with a succulent rack.
Mission a-crap-lished! [laughs]
Ah, apologies for what
you're about to experience.
Can't exactly
courtesy flush in there, ya know?
This isn't an all-day thing, right?
I need to get to work by noon
for the pre-shift hive meeting.
No problem.
By noon, it's all lips and assholes,
and I'm not just talkin' about the pork.
Let's see...
Eight tickets gets you one rack,
so 200 tickets, please.
So, with the senior discount, it's $78.
Oh, I'm not a senior. I already graduated.
No, I was talking to you.
I gave you the senior discount.
I usually don't ask men this,
but come again?
Lady, you're old.
[psychedelic '70s music plays]
[intro theme music plays]
I can't believe this.
I'm fine bein' a MILF,
but I'm not ready to be a GILF.
- Do I look that old?
- [man whistling]
Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, thank freakin' God.
Let it out, boys!
- Hey, kid. That pavement is uneven.
- Be careful with that old woman.
What?!
Nothin', honey.
Enjoy every moment with this one.
I wish my bubbe was still around.
- Let's get you home.
- [Diane fumes]
[groans]
Jesus, maybe I did lose my fastball.
Don't listen to those guys.
You're clearly not a senior citizen.
I know, but it doesn't help
that I'm always hangin' around
a smooth-skinned angel like you.
You make me look like damn Judi Dench.
Dame Judi Dench is a queen.
And so are you.
You're basically in your prime,
and you're single now.
You're right! I am single!
Oh, you know what would cheer me up?
Some good, old-fashioned BD.
I already regret asking this,
but what is BD?
Bar dick. It's like bar coke.
Low-quality, you're not sure
what you're puttin' up there,
but it gets the job done.
Good advice, sweetie.
That was your own advice.
Here, take this sack of ribs
for lunch and dinner,
'cause I ain't comin' home tonight.
[wet squelch]
I'll go change.
♪ Bar dick, bar dick, gonna get laid ♪
Let's fuckin' party!
What the...
Where are all the hotties?
I came looking for a one-day stand.
We're always dead during Ribfest.
Shit.
All right, Malört bomb for the road.
Larry, you want one?
[blubbers]
Oh, you switched to beer?
Good for you, Lar.
Here's to stayin' positive
and testin' negative.
All right, I'm out. Bye, Larry.
[blubbering]
Oh, wow. Well, I'm very flattered, Lar.
I'm looking to be present
and view each interaction
as an opportunity to connect.
Really wonderful, Kashton.
Great hive meeting, everyone.
Remember, lead with your heart,
and above all, push turmeric shots.
The profit margins on them are fantastic.
Daniel, you've been such a joy
since joining the team.
Today I'd like to put you
on a very sacred journey
as our wellness recruiter.
Oh, what does that entail?
[cars honking]
[coughs]
Try a free turmeric shot?
Eat a dick, chalkboard.
Oh, hey, Daniel.
- Oh, hey, Clara. Hey, Sloan.
- Yo.
- Reggie...
- 'Sup, D-Bones?
Remember gym class? Nut tap.
Cool, you're still doing that.
So, what are you guys up to?
Bumming around the city
before college starts.
Are you just working here
until you leave for Stanford?
I'm actually deferring
my acceptance for a bit.
- Just to figure things out.
- What?
And live at home? Pass.
I can't wait to go to college
and get out of my bitch mom's house.
I actually live in an apartment
just down the street.
Whoa, you have your own apartment
in the city by yourself?
Yep, I live there. Just me.
- So dope. Can we hang there?
- Oh, I don't think...
Yeah, we're looking for a place to party.
My cousin Taylor's in town.
Taylor Hogswitch?
He's the most famous person
from our high school.
Yeah. His Insta account for his abs
got him noticed by a producer,
and now he's a stand-in
on the all-white reboot of Empire.
- Did you know him?
- Did I know him?
The second time he was a senior
and I was a freshman,
we were in the same chemistry class.
When I got a bloody nose,
everyone was making fun of me,
and he told them to stop,
and gave me his bandanna
to wipe up the blood.
And I still have it.
I mean, I threw it out.
So, yeah, I know Taylor Hogswitch.
He's goin' through
a rough time right now, man.
His girlfriend dumped him.
Now, he's, like,
"questioning everything about life."
Okay.
He's calling it
"Taylor's summer of experimentation."
Really?
Anyway, dude,
if you don't wanna kick it, like...
No. No, no, no, totally come by.
Bring anyone. Friends, girlfriends,
famous cousins, whoever. [chuckles]
Tight, we'll be there.
- [grunts, laughs]
- Ah!
Two for flinching.
[winces]
Oh, you still do that too. Very cool.
[electric shaver buzzing]
Mark, you know that's my sink.
Oh, sorry, hon.
Just gettin' ready for tomorrow
when I shake my bon-bon.
It's already Sex Sunday?
This week's gone by fast.
Speakin' of fast,
at 2:00 p.m. mañana,
you are gonna get it good.
God, feel how smooth I got them.
See how much bigger it looks?
It does look a little bigger.
Yeah.
[man] Yeah. What's up?
Davenport, Iowa in da house!
Davenport? That's one of the Quad Cities!
I'm one Quad City BJ away
from collecting the set!
[pants, wheezes]
[shakily] Any of you boys from Moline?
[hip-hop music playing in background]
Mm-mm-mmm.
Hey, ya got any Led Zeppelin?
Today's hip-hop.
Oldies night is Tuesday from 4:00 to 6:00.
Suck a dick.
[with echo effect] Okay, party people.
It's time to see who has the balls
to ride the bear.
[snarling]
Ugh. Goddamn Trixie.
[Trixie giggling]
[man] Yeah!
Whoo!
Weak shit.
[giggles] I did it!
Hell yeah!
Her shirt kinda came off.
Let me show you
how a real woman rides bear back.
[grunting, straining]
Now, how do ya turn this fuckin' thing on?
[yelping]
Oh my tit.
Ahh!
[man] Oh shit!
[moans]
[weakly] Stuck the landing.
Ugh.
[doorbell buzzes]
What's up, my dude-ers?
Come on in.
Hey, why does your buzzer say
"Diane Dunbrowski"?
Uh, it's my drag name.
Gotta say, Daniel,
I love this retro-frat-house-ironic-sports
vibe you got goin' on.
Oh, it's not all ironic.
I'm a huge fan of O.J. Simpson.
Ugh.
Anyways, where's your cousin?
Oh, yeah, he's working.
I guess they added a scene
where White-Cookie throws a glass
of mayonnaise on White-Lucious.
He had to stand all day
dripping in white goo.
Jesus Christ.
Daniel, your place is lit.
Sorry to break it to you,
but we are never leaving.
Sorry to break it to you,
but that is totally cool with me.
[all laughing]
[phone buzzing]
Oh, excuse me.
- Hello?
- Hey, I'm on my way home.
You want a pizza puff?
Wait, I... I thought you weren't
coming home tonight.
Yeah, I went oh-for-two
in the bar-dick category.
And in the bar-coke category.
I just wanna put on my eating underwear
and wait for the Grim Reaper
to slice my frickin' head off.
You know, I don't think
you should give up yet.
Maybe you can try... Kurt!
Why don't you try Uncle Kurt?
He probably misses you.
That's true.
And nothing makes me feel younger
than Kurt givin' me
the ol' Siskel and Ebert.
That's when he gives me two thumbs up my...
Gotta go. Bye!
Hi, baby. I brought pizza puffs.
Ma, I can't talk.
Southwest just added
these new non-stops to Des Moines
and no one's carryin' anything on.
Have fun at work, sweetie.
Remember, it's hot out,
so drink plenty of pop!
Ooh, who's that hot piece of ass
with that giant lizard,
walking that iguana?
Uh, what are you doin' here, Di?
Hopefully you.
Kurt, we've been through a lot together,
but it never gets old.
And more importantly, we never get old.
Now, let's go see what the Murphy bed
in the garage can handle.
Kurt, babe, where's the Diet Rite?
Oh, hi.
It's, uh, under the venison.
I'll be right there.
Okay. Bye.
Who is that woman?
That's my, uh... She's my...
My friend. So...
[bird squawking] Fuck me again, Kurt.
[psychedelic '70s music plays]
[squawks]
He met her at the Exotic Pet Expo
at McCormick Place.
I was so mad,
I took down seven Malört bombs,
and I fell asleep
in the back of Guthrie's.
I gotta do somethin' to feel younger.
We're all the same age, right?
Uh, I'm 32.
I never knew my birthday.
What about a makeover?
Tina, you're great at makeup,
and, Zuz, your wig always looks perfect.
This not wig. This full on Zuzana.
But don't I look like an Instagram ho?
More like an Instagram no.
Diane, what the hell you doin' here?
I had to beg Tina to come in today
because you just wrote
"personal day, Ribfest" on the schedule.
If it's a personal day,
you do not have to tell me what it is for!
Gideon, I'm in the middle of a spiral,
and I'm trying to freshen up my look.
Well, your hair ain't the problem.
The body is the new face
and, honey, yours is frowning.
Are you kiddin' me? My body is bangin'.
In high school, I was voted
most likely to live off
wet T-shirt contest money.
But now you have ass like Irish woman,
straight line from neck to knee.
Okay, Zuzana, enough problems.
Give me some solutions.
[Gideon] Now, go talk to my girl, Karina.
She runs a high-end shapewear boutique
in the Gold Coast
called Waist Management.
Child, she could fix any part
of your body that looks like trash.
Is there a... [clears throat]
"friends of Gideon" discount?
You better keep my name out your mouth.
Ten-Four.
[groans, gags]
[knocking at door]
Aunt Diane, where the hell
were you last night?
I was worried sick...
Blouse, Clara.
What are you doing back here?
We wanted to keep the party going
and have a little Sunday fun day.
Actually, I'm kind of tired.
[man] 'Sup, Daniel?
["I Swear" by All-4-One plays]
♪ I swear ♪
♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪
♪ And I swear ♪
Oh my God. Taylor Hogswitch?
Heard you throw one helluva kickback.
[Daniel gasps]
[sniffs deeply] Mmm.
Daniel's sayin' he's tired.
[muffled] No.
No, Reggie. [chuckles] Don't be a... bitch.
You little bitch.
Come on in.
Hey, just checked my watch,
and it is sex o'clock.
Oh, really?
I was gonna start watching
The Good Doctor.
We're gonna talk about it at book club.
Right, but it's the time.
Actually, we only had this set time
because it's when Daniel
used to have Model UN.
Now, we don't have to rush things.
We can do it whenever we want, right?
I guess so.
So, The Good Doctor?
I did see that boy on Jimmy Fallon.
He was very charming.
I saw that.
They threw pies at each other.
It was a riot.
- [Diane grunting]
- [fabric stretching]
Whew!
How do you wear this shit?
Girl, I'd look like Grimace without it.
As women age, we do lose our natural waist
and plumpness in the backside.
Yeah, it's weird.
I got no volume in my dumper.
Gimme a little relief back there, sweetie.
I haven't felt this crunched
since Jim Belushi rolled on top of me.
[relieved sigh]
Thank God.
Thanks again. And have fun
at your grandson's bar mitzvah.
Hold up, you're a grandma?
Were you, like, a child bride
or something?
[chuckles]
I get that a lot.
No, this is all Dr. Klein-Pearlman.
Oh, she's the best.
She made me look 20 years younger
just by raising my ears.
She's right down the block
next to the Prada Express.
I think you mean Panda Express.
[all except Diane laughing]
- Panda Express.
- [Diane chuckles]
Anyhoo, Karina, what's your return policy?
We just makin' sure the tags are still on,
or are you runnin'
a black light over everything?
[hip-hop playing in background]
Your place
is the perfect party house, Daniel.
[gasps] There's so many
loose pills everywhere.
[moans]
- Oh!
- Oh!
Hey, Taylor.
Sorry our chests just touched.
No worries, Dan-O.
Also, congrats on your career.
Yeah. Do you mind if we sit down?
Stand-in work is tough.
[cheering, whooping]
[indistinct chatter]
[scoffs] Guys like that remind me
I didn't miss anything
by not goin' to college.
I feel exactly the same.
I'm currently taking a gap year.
I did that when I spent a year
modeling for The Gap.
[Daniel laughing nervously]
[sighs] What do you think, Doc?
Am I a lost cause?
Right now, you're at a place
we like to call "retinally offensive."
But with one to fourteen major surgeries,
this could be you.
Sweet shit.
That's the most beautiful thing
I've seen in my life.
I can fit you in Tuesday,
three years from now,
or I just had a cancellation
for tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
I guess Rahm Emanuel
likes having a third nipple.
Tomorrow is great!
Okay, it's imperative
that you don't eat or drink anything
after 10:00 p.m.
- You don't smoke, do you?
- Oh Lord, no.
[gags, exhales]
And most importantly,
you'll need someone
to pick you up from surgery.
- You're gonna be pretty out of it.
- We'll see about that.
I once landed a plane
after drinkin' 28 beers.
No follow-up questions.
Ah, oh, my. Give her some... Uh...
Oh. Oh no.
Turns out, I'm not a good doctor.
I guess it's time for sex?
If I'm being honest, Bon Bon,
I'm not feelin' it.
Me too. What's different?
Well, for one, I'm still shook up
about that woman getting a pig heart.
And I guess we used to have to rush
to do it before Daniel came home.
Maybe the time crunch was part of it.
- [phone buzzes]
- Hello.
I'm about to eat my face off
because at 10:00 p.m.,
I gotta start fasting. Guess why.
You have a blood test
at a free clinic tomorrow?
I'll save you the trip. You're positive.
Actually, I'm gettin'
a full facial reconstruction. The works!
I'm gonna be as pretty as that boy
who fucked a peach in that movie.
- You saw Call Me By Your Name?
- Just that scene.
I found it in a folder
on Daniel's computer marked "work stuff."
Anyhooters, I'll need you
to pick me up from the hospital
'cause I'll be so whacked out
on goof juice.
It's gonna freakin' rock.
Diane, plastic surgery?
This is a big mistake.
Speakin' of big steaks,
I just got to Gibsons.
See ya tomorrow, Bon.
You can't do this...
What if you don't get a good doctor?
Can we do another episode?
Mark, Gibsons serves their martinis
in gravy boats!
After two of those,
there'll be no talking sense to her,
and she will get that stupid
goddamn face-lift!
- Honey, all your friends have face-lifts.
- Diane is not my friend.
She's my sister!
[jazzy piano music playing]
Mmm! [moans contentedly]
This cake is so big.
Another martini.
And this pork chop
is from the gentleman over there.
Hmm?
Can't you take Lake Shore Drive?
Google Maps says it's backed up.
What do you want me to do?
- Goddamn it, Mark!
- I know, Bonnie.
- We're running out of time.
- We don't have time.
- Bonnie, I am aroused.
- [sensual music playing]
Pull over.
...and I can't model for Billabong anymore
'cause the muscles in my thighs
keep blowing out the crotch
in their board shorts.
I think that's a metaphor
for how you shouldn't be held back
by your heteronormative standards.
Really? You think that, D-Man?
[voice cracking] Yes.
[clears throat] I mean, yes.
[woman] Taylor?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Uh, that's my ex.
[Taylor] Oh, baby, I miss those tight abs.
[Taylor's ex] Well, I miss your tight abs.
[Taylor moaning]
Oh shit!
I dropped all the flaming fireball shots!
[all] Yeah!
Oh, now I remember
why I hated high school.
And I said to my son,
"I've made it 75 years
without a colonoscopy."
"Why start now?"
That's cute.
You really should do that though.
I gotta say, you seem to love being old.
It's the best time of my life.
Really? Because it scares
the hell outta me.
I'm on the back end of this whole thing,
and like the porta-potties at Ribfest,
it's not gonna get better with time.
It depends on how you look at it.
The things I used to worry about
when I was young... Good God.
I lost so much time.
Easy for you to say, you're a man.
People don't even look at me anymore.
And if they do,
it's for the wrong reasons.
I find that hard to believe.
I'm sure you get plenty of attention,
being such a gorgeous working girl.
I'm sorry, what's that?
I'd love to invite you to my hotel.
And I'm sure it'll cost me.
But don't worry. I can afford it.
Excuse me.
Do you think the way I look right now,
I'm a hooker?
Yes, I do.
I'm back, baby!
- Yeah!
- Oh.
Thank you.
- And also...
- [grunts]
...fuck you, you sick bastard.
- [kisses]
- Oh.
[humming]
[tires screeching]
Diane, are you okay?
Am I okay?
This rich old guy in there
thought I was a hooker.
So yeah, I'm doing frickin' great!
Listen, you can't go through
with that surgery.
I have always looked up to you
because you never change for anyone,
and you shouldn't start now.
You're beautiful.
I thought that when you were little,
and I still do now.
Aww!
Did you just get laid?
Okay, you know,
why do you ruin everything?
- Just promise me you won't ever...
- Mwah.
Thank you. I'm not going under the knife.
Now, you go get back under your husband.
Diane, stop.
["This Is How We Do It" playing]
[Diane] ♪ This is how I do it ♪
♪ I drink some beers and screw it ♪
Diane! Oh thank God!
Uh, are you throwin' a party
at my apartment, young man?
And you didn't invite this bitch?
Diane, I lied and said I had
my own apartment to look cool,
but mostly to impress this guy Taylor,
who I'm now realizing is a complete idiot.
And I'm so tired,
and I just wanna take a bath
and go through my "work stuff" folder
on my computer.
Sweetie, in the words of a wise old creep,
"Don't waste time
being somethin' you're not."
Now, let's get back to the party.
I'm sure these people
aren't as bad as you say they are.
[glass breaking]
- [psychedelic '70s music plays]
- The autographed Sammy Sosa ball
from the gift basket he gave me
after we hooked up?
[parrot squawks]
[yells] All right, everybody out!
Let's go! Come on! Out! Go!
Bye-bye, sweetie.
You, put that beer bong down.
That's a collector's item.
You... Are those my mushrooms?
Immediately give me those.
And that smells like my weed.
It's CBD.
Ugh! Never mind, you keep it!
- There's the door! Don't let it hit ya!
- Daniel, who is this bitch?
- That "bitch" is my aunt and my roommate.
- [Diane] Let's go! Move it, or lose it!
- [gasps]
- Two for flinching.
[grunts]
Ow!
Ow!
Thanks, Aunt Diane.
Anytime, kiddo.
[Diane grunts]
Rib omelet before work?
Sure, why not?
[Taylor grunts]
Whew! Could barely keep up
with you last night.
Never been so chafed.
Good news is,
I don't have to do cardio today.
What's up, D-Man?
This old bitch still got it.
[closing theme music plays]
[Diane] Nothin' says summer in Chicago
like a bunch of sunburned drunk people
eatin' meat outside,
aka Ribfest.
It's the one time of year
I'm not the only saucy bitch
with a succulent rack.
Mission a-crap-lished! [laughs]
Ah, apologies for what
you're about to experience.
Can't exactly
courtesy flush in there, ya know?
This isn't an all-day thing, right?
I need to get to work by noon
for the pre-shift hive meeting.
No problem.
By noon, it's all lips and assholes,
and I'm not just talkin' about the pork.
Let's see...
Eight tickets gets you one rack,
so 200 tickets, please.
So, with the senior discount, it's $78.
Oh, I'm not a senior. I already graduated.
No, I was talking to you.
I gave you the senior discount.
I usually don't ask men this,
but come again?
Lady, you're old.
[psychedelic '70s music plays]
[intro theme music plays]
I can't believe this.
I'm fine bein' a MILF,
but I'm not ready to be a GILF.
- Do I look that old?
- [man whistling]
Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, thank freakin' God.
Let it out, boys!
- Hey, kid. That pavement is uneven.
- Be careful with that old woman.
What?!
Nothin', honey.
Enjoy every moment with this one.
I wish my bubbe was still around.
- Let's get you home.
- [Diane fumes]
[groans]
Jesus, maybe I did lose my fastball.
Don't listen to those guys.
You're clearly not a senior citizen.
I know, but it doesn't help
that I'm always hangin' around
a smooth-skinned angel like you.
You make me look like damn Judi Dench.
Dame Judi Dench is a queen.
And so are you.
You're basically in your prime,
and you're single now.
You're right! I am single!
Oh, you know what would cheer me up?
Some good, old-fashioned BD.
I already regret asking this,
but what is BD?
Bar dick. It's like bar coke.
Low-quality, you're not sure
what you're puttin' up there,
but it gets the job done.
Good advice, sweetie.
That was your own advice.
Here, take this sack of ribs
for lunch and dinner,
'cause I ain't comin' home tonight.
[wet squelch]
I'll go change.
♪ Bar dick, bar dick, gonna get laid ♪
Let's fuckin' party!
What the...
Where are all the hotties?
I came looking for a one-day stand.
We're always dead during Ribfest.
Shit.
All right, Malört bomb for the road.
Larry, you want one?
[blubbers]
Oh, you switched to beer?
Good for you, Lar.
Here's to stayin' positive
and testin' negative.
All right, I'm out. Bye, Larry.
[blubbering]
Oh, wow. Well, I'm very flattered, Lar.
I'm looking to be present
and view each interaction
as an opportunity to connect.
Really wonderful, Kashton.
Great hive meeting, everyone.
Remember, lead with your heart,
and above all, push turmeric shots.
The profit margins on them are fantastic.
Daniel, you've been such a joy
since joining the team.
Today I'd like to put you
on a very sacred journey
as our wellness recruiter.
Oh, what does that entail?
[cars honking]
[coughs]
Try a free turmeric shot?
Eat a dick, chalkboard.
Oh, hey, Daniel.
- Oh, hey, Clara. Hey, Sloan.
- Yo.
- Reggie...
- 'Sup, D-Bones?
Remember gym class? Nut tap.
Cool, you're still doing that.
So, what are you guys up to?
Bumming around the city
before college starts.
Are you just working here
until you leave for Stanford?
I'm actually deferring
my acceptance for a bit.
- Just to figure things out.
- What?
And live at home? Pass.
I can't wait to go to college
and get out of my bitch mom's house.
I actually live in an apartment
just down the street.
Whoa, you have your own apartment
in the city by yourself?
Yep, I live there. Just me.
- So dope. Can we hang there?
- Oh, I don't think...
Yeah, we're looking for a place to party.
My cousin Taylor's in town.
Taylor Hogswitch?
He's the most famous person
from our high school.
Yeah. His Insta account for his abs
got him noticed by a producer,
and now he's a stand-in
on the all-white reboot of Empire.
- Did you know him?
- Did I know him?
The second time he was a senior
and I was a freshman,
we were in the same chemistry class.
When I got a bloody nose,
everyone was making fun of me,
and he told them to stop,
and gave me his bandanna
to wipe up the blood.
And I still have it.
I mean, I threw it out.
So, yeah, I know Taylor Hogswitch.
He's goin' through
a rough time right now, man.
His girlfriend dumped him.
Now, he's, like,
"questioning everything about life."
Okay.
He's calling it
"Taylor's summer of experimentation."
Really?
Anyway, dude,
if you don't wanna kick it, like...
No. No, no, no, totally come by.
Bring anyone. Friends, girlfriends,
famous cousins, whoever. [chuckles]
Tight, we'll be there.
- [grunts, laughs]
- Ah!
Two for flinching.
[winces]
Oh, you still do that too. Very cool.
[electric shaver buzzing]
Mark, you know that's my sink.
Oh, sorry, hon.
Just gettin' ready for tomorrow
when I shake my bon-bon.
It's already Sex Sunday?
This week's gone by fast.
Speakin' of fast,
at 2:00 p.m. mañana,
you are gonna get it good.
God, feel how smooth I got them.
See how much bigger it looks?
It does look a little bigger.
Yeah.
[man] Yeah. What's up?
Davenport, Iowa in da house!
Davenport? That's one of the Quad Cities!
I'm one Quad City BJ away
from collecting the set!
[pants, wheezes]
[shakily] Any of you boys from Moline?
[hip-hop music playing in background]
Mm-mm-mmm.
Hey, ya got any Led Zeppelin?
Today's hip-hop.
Oldies night is Tuesday from 4:00 to 6:00.
Suck a dick.
[with echo effect] Okay, party people.
It's time to see who has the balls
to ride the bear.
[snarling]
Ugh. Goddamn Trixie.
[Trixie giggling]
[man] Yeah!
Whoo!
Weak shit.
[giggles] I did it!
Hell yeah!
Her shirt kinda came off.
Let me show you
how a real woman rides bear back.
[grunting, straining]
Now, how do ya turn this fuckin' thing on?
[yelping]
Oh my tit.
Ahh!
[man] Oh shit!
[moans]
[weakly] Stuck the landing.
Ugh.
[doorbell buzzes]
What's up, my dude-ers?
Come on in.
Hey, why does your buzzer say
"Diane Dunbrowski"?
Uh, it's my drag name.
Gotta say, Daniel,
I love this retro-frat-house-ironic-sports
vibe you got goin' on.
Oh, it's not all ironic.
I'm a huge fan of O.J. Simpson.
Ugh.
Anyways, where's your cousin?
Oh, yeah, he's working.
I guess they added a scene
where White-Cookie throws a glass
of mayonnaise on White-Lucious.
He had to stand all day
dripping in white goo.
Jesus Christ.
Daniel, your place is lit.
Sorry to break it to you,
but we are never leaving.
Sorry to break it to you,
but that is totally cool with me.
[all laughing]
[phone buzzing]
Oh, excuse me.
- Hello?
- Hey, I'm on my way home.
You want a pizza puff?
Wait, I... I thought you weren't
coming home tonight.
Yeah, I went oh-for-two
in the bar-dick category.
And in the bar-coke category.
I just wanna put on my eating underwear
and wait for the Grim Reaper
to slice my frickin' head off.
You know, I don't think
you should give up yet.
Maybe you can try... Kurt!
Why don't you try Uncle Kurt?
He probably misses you.
That's true.
And nothing makes me feel younger
than Kurt givin' me
the ol' Siskel and Ebert.
That's when he gives me two thumbs up my...
Gotta go. Bye!
Hi, baby. I brought pizza puffs.
Ma, I can't talk.
Southwest just added
these new non-stops to Des Moines
and no one's carryin' anything on.
Have fun at work, sweetie.
Remember, it's hot out,
so drink plenty of pop!
Ooh, who's that hot piece of ass
with that giant lizard,
walking that iguana?
Uh, what are you doin' here, Di?
Hopefully you.
Kurt, we've been through a lot together,
but it never gets old.
And more importantly, we never get old.
Now, let's go see what the Murphy bed
in the garage can handle.
Kurt, babe, where's the Diet Rite?
Oh, hi.
It's, uh, under the venison.
I'll be right there.
Okay. Bye.
Who is that woman?
That's my, uh... She's my...
My friend. So...
[bird squawking] Fuck me again, Kurt.
[psychedelic '70s music plays]
[squawks]
He met her at the Exotic Pet Expo
at McCormick Place.
I was so mad,
I took down seven Malört bombs,
and I fell asleep
in the back of Guthrie's.
I gotta do somethin' to feel younger.
We're all the same age, right?
Uh, I'm 32.
I never knew my birthday.
What about a makeover?
Tina, you're great at makeup,
and, Zuz, your wig always looks perfect.
This not wig. This full on Zuzana.
But don't I look like an Instagram ho?
More like an Instagram no.
Diane, what the hell you doin' here?
I had to beg Tina to come in today
because you just wrote
"personal day, Ribfest" on the schedule.
If it's a personal day,
you do not have to tell me what it is for!
Gideon, I'm in the middle of a spiral,
and I'm trying to freshen up my look.
Well, your hair ain't the problem.
The body is the new face
and, honey, yours is frowning.
Are you kiddin' me? My body is bangin'.
In high school, I was voted
most likely to live off
wet T-shirt contest money.
But now you have ass like Irish woman,
straight line from neck to knee.
Okay, Zuzana, enough problems.
Give me some solutions.
[Gideon] Now, go talk to my girl, Karina.
She runs a high-end shapewear boutique
in the Gold Coast
called Waist Management.
Child, she could fix any part
of your body that looks like trash.
Is there a... [clears throat]
"friends of Gideon" discount?
You better keep my name out your mouth.
Ten-Four.
[groans, gags]
[knocking at door]
Aunt Diane, where the hell
were you last night?
I was worried sick...
Blouse, Clara.
What are you doing back here?
We wanted to keep the party going
and have a little Sunday fun day.
Actually, I'm kind of tired.
[man] 'Sup, Daniel?
["I Swear" by All-4-One plays]
♪ I swear ♪
♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪
♪ And I swear ♪
Oh my God. Taylor Hogswitch?
Heard you throw one helluva kickback.
[Daniel gasps]
[sniffs deeply] Mmm.
Daniel's sayin' he's tired.
[muffled] No.
No, Reggie. [chuckles] Don't be a... bitch.
You little bitch.
Come on in.
Hey, just checked my watch,
and it is sex o'clock.
Oh, really?
I was gonna start watching
The Good Doctor.
We're gonna talk about it at book club.
Right, but it's the time.
Actually, we only had this set time
because it's when Daniel
used to have Model UN.
Now, we don't have to rush things.
We can do it whenever we want, right?
I guess so.
So, The Good Doctor?
I did see that boy on Jimmy Fallon.
He was very charming.
I saw that.
They threw pies at each other.
It was a riot.
- [Diane grunting]
- [fabric stretching]
Whew!
How do you wear this shit?
Girl, I'd look like Grimace without it.
As women age, we do lose our natural waist
and plumpness in the backside.
Yeah, it's weird.
I got no volume in my dumper.
Gimme a little relief back there, sweetie.
I haven't felt this crunched
since Jim Belushi rolled on top of me.
[relieved sigh]
Thank God.
Thanks again. And have fun
at your grandson's bar mitzvah.
Hold up, you're a grandma?
Were you, like, a child bride
or something?
[chuckles]
I get that a lot.
No, this is all Dr. Klein-Pearlman.
Oh, she's the best.
She made me look 20 years younger
just by raising my ears.
She's right down the block
next to the Prada Express.
I think you mean Panda Express.
[all except Diane laughing]
- Panda Express.
- [Diane chuckles]
Anyhoo, Karina, what's your return policy?
We just makin' sure the tags are still on,
or are you runnin'
a black light over everything?
[hip-hop playing in background]
Your place
is the perfect party house, Daniel.
[gasps] There's so many
loose pills everywhere.
[moans]
- Oh!
- Oh!
Hey, Taylor.
Sorry our chests just touched.
No worries, Dan-O.
Also, congrats on your career.
Yeah. Do you mind if we sit down?
Stand-in work is tough.
[cheering, whooping]
[indistinct chatter]
[scoffs] Guys like that remind me
I didn't miss anything
by not goin' to college.
I feel exactly the same.
I'm currently taking a gap year.
I did that when I spent a year
modeling for The Gap.
[Daniel laughing nervously]
[sighs] What do you think, Doc?
Am I a lost cause?
Right now, you're at a place
we like to call "retinally offensive."
But with one to fourteen major surgeries,
this could be you.
Sweet shit.
That's the most beautiful thing
I've seen in my life.
I can fit you in Tuesday,
three years from now,
or I just had a cancellation
for tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
I guess Rahm Emanuel
likes having a third nipple.
Tomorrow is great!
Okay, it's imperative
that you don't eat or drink anything
after 10:00 p.m.
- You don't smoke, do you?
- Oh Lord, no.
[gags, exhales]
And most importantly,
you'll need someone
to pick you up from surgery.
- You're gonna be pretty out of it.
- We'll see about that.
I once landed a plane
after drinkin' 28 beers.
No follow-up questions.
Ah, oh, my. Give her some... Uh...
Oh. Oh no.
Turns out, I'm not a good doctor.
I guess it's time for sex?
If I'm being honest, Bon Bon,
I'm not feelin' it.
Me too. What's different?
Well, for one, I'm still shook up
about that woman getting a pig heart.
And I guess we used to have to rush
to do it before Daniel came home.
Maybe the time crunch was part of it.
- [phone buzzes]
- Hello.
I'm about to eat my face off
because at 10:00 p.m.,
I gotta start fasting. Guess why.
You have a blood test
at a free clinic tomorrow?
I'll save you the trip. You're positive.
Actually, I'm gettin'
a full facial reconstruction. The works!
I'm gonna be as pretty as that boy
who fucked a peach in that movie.
- You saw Call Me By Your Name?
- Just that scene.
I found it in a folder
on Daniel's computer marked "work stuff."
Anyhooters, I'll need you
to pick me up from the hospital
'cause I'll be so whacked out
on goof juice.
It's gonna freakin' rock.
Diane, plastic surgery?
This is a big mistake.
Speakin' of big steaks,
I just got to Gibsons.
See ya tomorrow, Bon.
You can't do this...
What if you don't get a good doctor?
Can we do another episode?
Mark, Gibsons serves their martinis
in gravy boats!
After two of those,
there'll be no talking sense to her,
and she will get that stupid
goddamn face-lift!
- Honey, all your friends have face-lifts.
- Diane is not my friend.
She's my sister!
[jazzy piano music playing]
Mmm! [moans contentedly]
This cake is so big.
Another martini.
And this pork chop
is from the gentleman over there.
Hmm?
Can't you take Lake Shore Drive?
Google Maps says it's backed up.
What do you want me to do?
- Goddamn it, Mark!
- I know, Bonnie.
- We're running out of time.
- We don't have time.
- Bonnie, I am aroused.
- [sensual music playing]
Pull over.
...and I can't model for Billabong anymore
'cause the muscles in my thighs
keep blowing out the crotch
in their board shorts.
I think that's a metaphor
for how you shouldn't be held back
by your heteronormative standards.
Really? You think that, D-Man?
[voice cracking] Yes.
[clears throat] I mean, yes.
[woman] Taylor?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Uh, that's my ex.
[Taylor] Oh, baby, I miss those tight abs.
[Taylor's ex] Well, I miss your tight abs.
[Taylor moaning]
Oh shit!
I dropped all the flaming fireball shots!
[all] Yeah!
Oh, now I remember
why I hated high school.
And I said to my son,
"I've made it 75 years
without a colonoscopy."
"Why start now?"
That's cute.
You really should do that though.
I gotta say, you seem to love being old.
It's the best time of my life.
Really? Because it scares
the hell outta me.
I'm on the back end of this whole thing,
and like the porta-potties at Ribfest,
it's not gonna get better with time.
It depends on how you look at it.
The things I used to worry about
when I was young... Good God.
I lost so much time.
Easy for you to say, you're a man.
People don't even look at me anymore.
And if they do,
it's for the wrong reasons.
I find that hard to believe.
I'm sure you get plenty of attention,
being such a gorgeous working girl.
I'm sorry, what's that?
I'd love to invite you to my hotel.
And I'm sure it'll cost me.
But don't worry. I can afford it.
Excuse me.
Do you think the way I look right now,
I'm a hooker?
Yes, I do.
I'm back, baby!
- Yeah!
- Oh.
Thank you.
- And also...
- [grunts]
...fuck you, you sick bastard.
- [kisses]
- Oh.
[humming]
[tires screeching]
Diane, are you okay?
Am I okay?
This rich old guy in there
thought I was a hooker.
So yeah, I'm doing frickin' great!
Listen, you can't go through
with that surgery.
I have always looked up to you
because you never change for anyone,
and you shouldn't start now.
You're beautiful.
I thought that when you were little,
and I still do now.
Aww!
Did you just get laid?
Okay, you know,
why do you ruin everything?
- Just promise me you won't ever...
- Mwah.
Thank you. I'm not going under the knife.
Now, you go get back under your husband.
Diane, stop.
["This Is How We Do It" playing]
[Diane] ♪ This is how I do it ♪
♪ I drink some beers and screw it ♪
Diane! Oh thank God!
Uh, are you throwin' a party
at my apartment, young man?
And you didn't invite this bitch?
Diane, I lied and said I had
my own apartment to look cool,
but mostly to impress this guy Taylor,
who I'm now realizing is a complete idiot.
And I'm so tired,
and I just wanna take a bath
and go through my "work stuff" folder
on my computer.
Sweetie, in the words of a wise old creep,
"Don't waste time
being somethin' you're not."
Now, let's get back to the party.
I'm sure these people
aren't as bad as you say they are.
[glass breaking]
- [psychedelic '70s music plays]
- The autographed Sammy Sosa ball
from the gift basket he gave me
after we hooked up?
[parrot squawks]
[yells] All right, everybody out!
Let's go! Come on! Out! Go!
Bye-bye, sweetie.
You, put that beer bong down.
That's a collector's item.
You... Are those my mushrooms?
Immediately give me those.
And that smells like my weed.
It's CBD.
Ugh! Never mind, you keep it!
- There's the door! Don't let it hit ya!
- Daniel, who is this bitch?
- That "bitch" is my aunt and my roommate.
- [Diane] Let's go! Move it, or lose it!
- [gasps]
- Two for flinching.
[grunts]
Ow!
Ow!
Thanks, Aunt Diane.
Anytime, kiddo.
[Diane grunts]
Rib omelet before work?
Sure, why not?
[Taylor grunts]
Whew! Could barely keep up
with you last night.
Never been so chafed.
Good news is,
I don't have to do cardio today.
What's up, D-Man?
This old bitch still got it.
[closing theme music plays]