Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Peeled Grapes and Pedicures - full transcript

(Laughter)
Ripped By mstoll

And of course
when Functio and me were first married,

there was a lot of talk in Chelmsford.

- Really?
- Mm, yes!

Well, you know,
what with Functio being a...

(Mouths word)

- Pardon?
- You know.

(Mouths word)

- Oh, a Roman?
- Yes!

Well, of course, mixed marriages
were frowned upon in those days.

Julia, leave your face alone.



I suppose
because we were the invading force.

Oh no! Because
you know what Roman men are like.

(Spits and laughs)

I'm sorry?

Oh, well, you know with their funny
practices. Men's bottoms and things.

You're confusing us with the Greeks.

Greeks, Romans, you're all the same!

All dressed up in your long skirts
with twigs in your hair!

(Laughs)

Sorry about that, Aulus.

- Julia, darling, more wine for Uncle Aulus.
- Yes, Daddy.

Thank you. I thought Badvoc
was joining us this evening.

He's down at Wossers tavern.
Judging a knobbly face competition.

Come on, Julia, time you were in bed.



Oh Daddy, can I stay for a bit longer?

- It is late, darling.
- Please?

I like hearing you and Uncle Aulus

talk about what you did in Rome
when you were younger.

There'll be other occasions, Julia.

What exactly is an orgy, Daddy?

It's er... Well, erm... It's a sort of...

- Party!
- Yes, that's it.

It's a sort of party.

Oh, Daddy,
can I have an orgy on my birthday?

Julia! Bed!

Night, Father. Night, Uncle Aulus.

Kids nowadays!

Still, we had an orgy or two back in Rome,
eh, Functio?

- But I don't miss it, you know.
- Oh, neither do I.

Rampant sex with lusty young girls.

We've outgrown it.

- And besides, they were Roman customs.
- Exactly.

On the other hand...

We don't want to let those
good Roman customs die out, do we?

- It's not as if we've outgrown them.
- No.

In fact, I rather miss them.

So do I.

Wasn't it the festival of Saturnalia,
a good few years ago now,

when we ran naked through the streets,
garlands in our hair,

completely out of our brains?

No, that was Trajan's funeral.

Yeah, after we'd eaten
those funny mushrooms.

Oh yes!

Saturnalia is when the slave becomes the
master and the master becomes the slave.

And you choose the biggest idiot
in the land and make him king for a day.

Yes, of course, Functio.

Why don't we celebrate Saturnalia
here in Britain?

No, we couldn't. Could we?

Yes.

The only trouble is, in Chelmsford,

which idiot do we choose?

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

Badvoc, how would you like it
if from midnight tonight

I made you...

The king of Britain!

(Cheering)

- Quiet, please.
- Silence for the king!

- Thank you.
- Silence!

- Thank you.
- SILENCE!

Shut up!

"Friends, Britons and countrymen,

according to the ancient laws
of the Saturnalia,

I am your king for the day."

- Silence!
- Shut it.

"So that means that food and drink
will be limitless and free."

(Cheering)

"The courts are shut so any crime
committed today will go unpunished."

(Cheering)

"And you may have it off with anyone
you like regardless of marital status."

(Cheering)

Eat, drink and wahey!

(Cheering)

For those of a gentler disposition,
there will be folk songs in Ralph's barn.

Have a nice day.

To the revelries!

Not you, you've got on my tits.
Go back and do the laundry.

(Cheering)

All right, darling?

Give her one for me.

No, don't tell me. You're a Capricorn.

Strong willed, ambitious, hard working.

You don't believe
in all that rubbish, do you?

Of course not. I'm Leo.
We're not gullible or superstitious.

Touch wood.

Typical Leo, me.

Rrrrff!

Hello, Mungo. Enjoying the party?

Er, yeah, fine, thank you, your holiness.

Good, good.

Glad to see you're mingling.

Er, you two know each other?

Er, well, no, we're not actually
on first name terms, no.

Oh, right.
This is Bridget, Mungo. Bridget, Mungo.

Pleased to meet you.
They call me Mungo the Quick.

- Why's that?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

So, Mungo, how's the wife?

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Badvoc.

Hello, Nuala. I won't chat just now.
I see you've got the carpenter in.

- Here, Blag.
- What?

- Have you seen Gargamadua?
- Who?

- Gargamadua!
- Who's she?

- My girlfriend.
- What's she look like?

This high, brown hair, blue eyes.

- What's her name?
- Gargamadua.

Why didn't you say so!

- Have you seen her?
- No.

You don't know what day it is, do you?

Oh yes, I do.
As a matter of fact it happens to be...

Hang on, I'll come back to it.

Right, so Gargamadua's not around, eh?
Well, you know what they say.

While the cat's away, the mice
will try and shag a bit on the side.

Hello, lovey.
Tonight is your lucky night.

Tonight the king himself is going to
make love to you like a stallion on heat.

He certainly smells like one.

Gargamadua.

- Badvoc.
- No.

No, I'm not Badvoc.
No, I'm just a lookalike.

I use my uncanny resemblance to Badvoc
to impress beautiful women like yourself.

The real Badvoc is over there composing
a love poem to you, his one and only love.

- Face or goolies?
- Goolies.

Oh!

Here, Badvoc, I worked it out. It's Monday.

It's Sunday.

Well, I was only one out.

Honestly, darling,
she was looking for her earring.

Whoa! That's a funny place to drop it!
Up your toga!

Wait till I get you home!
I'll give you earring!

Must go for a slash.
That ale goes right through you.

Psst!

Oh, Hello, Grasientus.

- Hello, Badvoc.
- Enjoying the fun?

No, not really.

12 hours of orgies
and still not one sexual encounter.

I'm not surprised going round like that.
Put the pig's head back on.

I need to talk to you
on a very serious matter.

- You are the king, are you not?
- Yeah.

But you're only king today.

Now if you change the laws of Saturnalia,
which you can do because you are the king,

you could be king forever.

That is brilliant, Grasientus! Oh!

(Laughs)

Badvoc, king for a day.

- Evening, Aulus.
- Hello, Badvoc.

Oh, I beg your pardon.
I mean King Badvoc.

Oh Lord Badvoc. Mighty Badvoc.

How honoured we are to have your
glorious presence in this humble abode.

You taking the mick?

Me, Badvoc? No. I'm just helping you enjoy
your last half hour as king of Britain.

Then it's back to being Badvoc,
king of the scum buckets.

Badvoc the walking dung heap.

Badvoc home of the social disease.

Yeah, very funny, Aulus.

Now, I've got a very serious matter
to discuss with you. Grasientus?

Yes, oh mighty Badvoc.

"To whom it may concern.

I..."

What's that word?

"Badvoc."

- "I Badvoc he-reeby..."
- Hereby.

You read it, I'm the king. I shouldn't
be wasting good eyeball time reading.

"I Badvoc hereby repeal the laws
governing the feast of Saturnalia

and decree that the aforementioned Badvoc

shall remain king in perpetuity or forever,
whichever is the longer."

What he said.

(Laughs nervously)

Good joke!

I love your crazy British humour. I love it.

(Both laugh)

I suppose technically you could do that.

Yes! (Laughs)

And I have. (Laughs)

You haven't?

- You can't.
- Mm.

It's impossible. It's against the law!

If you think you can get away with this,

you're a bigger moron than I thought, Badvoc.

You're a bigger moron than I thought,
King Badvoc.

Ah-ah.

Not bad at all.

It'll be all right
when I get straw on the floor.

(Clears throat)

I'm seeking legal advice.

"Consultations
are 50 sesterces payable in advance."

Thank you.

Such a reassuring smell, I always think.
Right, tell me all about it.

- Well, er...
- Starting now.

Well, it's Badvoc.
He's usurped my position as governor.

550, 560.

What are you doing?

You get 600 grains per consultation.
Carry on.

- It's Badvoc. He's...
- That's it, time's up. Next!

Wait a minute.

A minute? One minute's waiting will
cost you 200 sesterces plus expenses.

What expenses?

Pay the girl, will you?

Look,
Badvoc is acting in a totally illegal way.

- I'm on my lunch hour at the moment.
- Look!

But as you're now one of our
regular clients, how can I help you?

- Badvoc.
- King Badvoc.

Yes, King Badvoc.
Has acted in a totally illegal way.

Hmm. Not a lawyer, is he?

No.

He proclaimed himself king
under the laws of Saturnalia.

(Laughs) Nice one.

There must be some loophole.

That's the problem with British law,
you see. It's all hole and no loop.

But he demands
that I become his personal hairdresser.

- Oh, well there I can help you.
- Oh good.

I can let you have
this inexpensive pair of scissors.

Ingenious plan you hatched, Grasientus,
and to show my appreciation,

I have found you a position
in the new administration.

You can't do this to me!
I'm a Roman citizen.

I'm claustrophobic.
I'd rather die than stay here.

You're not wearing a belt, are you?

No.

You haven't got any laces? No bits of rope?
Nothing you can hang yourself with?

- No.
- Right, I'll go and get you some.

That's lovely, that is.

You've got a really sensitive touch, you know.

It's a pity you became
an international statesman, Aulus.

The world lost a very fine hairdresser.

No, I consider it a great honour
to be done by you.

Mind you, in many ways
it's a great honour for you to do me.

It hasn't been washed for 25 years.

Oh my God!

- What?
- A dead mouse.

Oh, that's Mrs Twitchy-nose.

My pet field mouse.
I wondered what happened to her.

King Badvoc, your majesty.

The ambassador from Parthia is here.

Send him in.

- Where's Parthia then?
- The east.

Oh, I don't like people from the east.
You can't trust them.

I once knew this pig farmer from Ipswich.

He was a lying bastard.

The ambassador from Parthia.

Greetings to you, King Badvoc of Britain.

Greetings from the most elevated satrap.

A thousand blessings shower down on you.

Cheers.

First the traditional exchange of gifts.

- Gifts?
- Tokens of esteem and peace.

Oh right. Go and nick a couple of goats.

For you, King Badvoc, this.
A phial of the rarest incense.

Oh, great. Cancel the goats.
Give him the dead mouse.

A good luck charm.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome. See you then.

He wasn't a bad bloke, was he?

King Badvoc?

- Is he still here?
- I think he's expecting a royal banquet.

All right then?

You got your mouse, did you?

- I did, yes.
- Good. See you then.

As the agent of a great potentate

I had expected some courtesy
or hospitality to be shown to me.

Oh, did you?

In Galatia I was regaled with a bag of gold.

In Dalmatia with two bags,
in Cappadocia with three bags of gold.

This geezer's got six bags of gold
and all I get is a bottle of perfume.

Give us my mouse back!

You have injured my honour
with your callousness!

I go in anger but I shall return in anger
with many soldiers.

Until then I spit on your floor, King!

(Spits)

Oh dear. I think he was from Ipswich.

I think we should have given him the goats.

I don't think he was in the mood for sex.

You're a lucky bastard, you know.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Message from King Badvoc.

- Really?
- Mm.

What is it?

Hmm! It's a written pardon.

A written pardon? What does it say?

Says er..."pardon".

You know, king Badvoc, being a ruler
isn't all peeled grapes and pedicures.

- It can be quite dangerous.
- Oh yeah?

Yes.
Who can forget King Philip of Naxos?

- Eh, Functio?
- King Philip...

- Of Naxos.
- Of Naxos.

Yes, yes, yes.

- Happiest king on earth, he was.
- Hadn't an enemy in the world.

Or so he thought.

He'd been king for a week
and they found his severed head

at the bottom of a well.

His limbless torso on a beach.

His two arms floating in a vat of wine.

One of his legs in a horse trough.

- You know what that means, Badvoc?
- Yeah, one of his legs escaped.

Probably hopped on happily
to a ripe old age.

Do you realise what we're saying?

- Yes, being king is dangerous.
- Exactly.

Listen, Aulus, who can harm me?
I am omnipotent.

(Laughs) You believe that, Badvoc,
then you and your reason are doomed.

That way madness lies.

What, just beyond Chigwell?

Bloody laundry! Why do I always get it?

(Scottish accent) Hey, you, pluck brain.

Me?

Aye, you, you great pluck!

You better listen very hard, pal.

We are assassins
on a very nasty mission.

Well, actually it's Robert here
who's the assassin.

I'm his assistant. I'm lan, by the way.

This is Robert. We were at school together.

- I think that's the...
- Shut your gob!

- For God's sake.
- Sorry.

You are gonna lead us to your kind.

And we are gonna cut him open
with a blunt knife,

scoop out his entrails,

and fry them.

Well, we may not actually fry them.
That depends on time.

You see, we have to be back in Caledonia
by the end of the week.

If possible. Well, Mike's brother's
coming over. He's such a scream.

Shut it, will you!

What happens if I don't cooperate?

Well, then I will stick my hand down
your throat, rip out your intestines,

and put them back up your gunga!

Right. I'll take you to the king.

(Groans)

Well, King Badvoc
has certainly taken a liking to you.

- He's letting me go free?
- Er, no, no. 'Fraid not.

- But you're having some company.
- Oh?

Some female company.

Oh, I see!

Grasientus, meet Imogen.

You've made an effort, I suppose,
your majesty.

But there is still room for improvement
especially with those verbs.

I think we better try them again.
Good example.

Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amat.

I love, you love, he loves.

- We love, you love...
- Hang on.

We've already had "you love".
You put another one in.

That's "you love" plural.

When many people love.

Oh right, like an orgy.

That'd be plural, yes.

I'm going to cancel all plurals.

You can do that sort of thing
when you're king.

Well, you can do anything, can't you?

I might wander round the marketplace
later on with a chicken on my head.

I'm in that kind of mood. Go on, carry on.

Right, well, repeat after me.

- Amo.
- Amo.

- Amas.
- Amas.

MAN: One move and you're dead.
- One move and you're dead.

That goes for you too, King Badvoc.

That goes for you too, King Badvoc.

Ah.

- Afternoon, gentlemen.
- Actually, it's evening.

- It was quite dark when we came...
- Shut up!

- Good news and bad news, your majesty.
- Really?

Good news, tomorrow is going to be
a public holiday.

Good.

Bad news,
it's in honour of the king's funeral.

The king...

(Laughs)

I see what's happened. You think
I'm the king? No, I used to be the king.

What, have we been misinformed?

No, I used to be the king
but it was only temporary.

It was a silly Roman custom.

Actually, you've reminded me.
I was going to abolish that law.

- I've been meaning to do this.
- Don't try any funny business!

We are here to assassinate the king.

Then we are going to strip him naked,

tie him to a horse and drag him
through the streets of Chelmsford.

- Weather permitting.
- Shut up!

Here it is. There you are, look at that.

A law abolished. Badvoc is no longer king.

And Aulus Pauline's is restored
to his rightful place as ruler of Britain.

So, where do we find this...

Aulus Paulinus,
undisputed governor of Britain.

He'll be in Wossers tavern
in the marketplace. You can't miss it.

Right, cos we are going
to gouge out both his eyes,

boil them up and eat them.

Good, cos the food in that place is vile.

Aulus Paulinus? Governor of Britain?

Ex governor, actually.

Ho ho, I'm afraid not, Governor!
That law's been abolished.

We saw Badvoc himself do it.

Brilliant! Well done, lads! Well done!

What's going on?

Functio, allow me
to introduce Julius and Solpickius.

Two of the finest actors
Rome has ever produced.

- Any trouble, lads?
- Dose of salts, Aulus, love.

Just gave him a bit
of the old "och aye the noo".

Touch of the
"see you, see me, see him, Jimmy."

(Both laugh)

He fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Julius, I thought
you were particularly wonderful.

Really, Solpickius?
I thought you did some marvellous stuff.

I fluffed a couple of times.

Yes, I know,
but I'm sure nobody else noticed.

You're absolutely wonderful.

Oh, Aulus, love!

- Do come and see the show.
- Will do.

Well, Aulus, it looks like things
are going to be back the way they were.

I don't know, Functio.

I think some things
I may just keep the way they are.

Well, this is marvellous.

One day I'm king,

the next I'm stuck in prison
with some stinking dumb animal.

Still, I suppose we can always kill it.

Kill the cow?

I was talking to the cow.
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