Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Heads You Lose - full transcript

(Clattering)
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(Crackling)

(Sighs) Right, Grasientus, get this down.

Oh mighty Hadrian,

I have just spent
the most miserable four weeks of my life

inspecting our borders with Caledonia.

It seems you've instructed our engineers

to build a long stretch of stonework
right across the country.

Now if I didn't know better,
I'd say it was a wall.

Is the idea to continue the wall all the way
around Caledonia then put a roof on it,

thereby making it
the biggest indoor toilet in the Empire?



One ludicrous rumour going round

is that you have built this wall
to keep out the Caledonians.

A tribe famous for their ladders.

- What's this?
- It's a Celtic flute.

- What's it doing in my office?
- Badvoc left it.

- What was Badvoc doing in my office?
- Playing the flute.

- What?
- Rather badly.

He seems to think
it's a percussion instrument.

You can probably see
the dents in the desktop.

How did Badvoc get into my office?

Just swanned in here
as if he owned the place.

But I have guards guarding my villa.

Didn't they put up
the slightest, tiniest bit of resistance?

Indeed they did. They put up
the slightest, tiniest bit of resistance.



If Badvoc so much puts his foot
in my office one more time...

Here you are. That's right.

- Morning, Badvoc.
- Aulus! Didn't know you were back!

- What's in the sack?
- It's a welcome back present.

It's a sack of the best local apples.
They're very special.

- What's special about them?
VOICE FROM SACK: Badvoc! Badvoc!

They talk.

- Talking apples?
- They're good for you.

- Keep the doctor away.
- They say things like "Keep away, doctor".

Take that sack and you lot out of my office!

Out the way. I'm sorry, Aulus.
Sit down. It's entirely my fault.

I forgot you've had a very hard month
in Caledonia. Have you had a drink yet?

- I haven't.
- Grasientus.

Get some wine for Aulus.
He's not had a drink.

- You relax.
- That's good.

- How was Caledonia?
- Terrible.

- Catch any salmon?
- I didn't.

- Good salmon fishing there.
- Yeah.

- Any grouse?
- No.

- Good grouse fishing there.
- Yeah.

- Now you just have a nice glass of wine.
- That's very kind.

- I need this.
- Relax, put your feet up, clear your mind.

Don't worry about me and the boys.
Don't you worry about a thing.

- Thanks, Badvoc.
- It's my pleasure.

Bye, boys!
Cheers. Thanks for popping in.

What a nice guy.

Hang on, he's done it again!
He's stolen my wine!

He swanned in here, offered me
my own wine and now he's stolen it!

Don't let it get to you.

Don't let it get to me, Grasientus?
I'm seething!

I just want to shout at him!
I want to hit him!

Yet when he's there
I just don't seem to be able to do it!

And then I find myself
wanting to take it out on other people.

That's quite normal to want to vent your
anger and frustration on innocent people

just because
they happen to be close at the time.

Oh, Grasientus, I knew you'd understand.

Argh!

(Sighs)

Perhaps you're angry with Badvoc

because deep down
you feel unworthy to be governor.

Deep down you feel inadequate to govern.

Deep down you feel impotent to lead,
incompetent to punish.

Right, that's enough, get out.

What?

I'm not paying to be called
inadequate, incompetent and impotent!

Let me put it more simply.

Deep down you don't understand
how Badvoc could fail to obey

such a natural leader as yourself.

Someone who exudes superiority.

Someone who personifies leadership.

Yes, that's more like it. Carry on.

Let's talk a little about your mother.

Were you frightened by her breasts?

Not particularly, no.

- As yet they were enormous.
- Average, I'd say.

- But surely they looked enormous.
- No.

They must have looked enormous
to, for example, a flea.

Yes,
I suppose they looked absolutely huge.

So... these absolutely huge breasts
of your mother haunt you still.

She didn't have big breasts.

And you've always
resented your mother for this.

Why are we talking
about my mother's breasts?

I don't know,
perhaps you're obsessed by them.

You brought them up!

Yes, but I've never sucked them
like some people round here.

Look, OK, let's just talk about
my inability to deal with Badvoc, shall we?

All right, have you ever dreamt about him?

Yes. Only last night, in fact.

Good. Tell me about it.

Well, in the dream,

I can't sleep and I'm lying in a dark room.

I hear these footsteps.

These heavy footsteps.

Coming up the corridor.

And then I hear this deep inhuman growling.

- Stop!
- I haven't finished.

It's spooky, isn't it?

I can't stand spookies.

Give me the creeps.

Have you any...
Have you any silly dreams like er...

You know, like going into the senate
and realising you haven't any clothes on.

Or thinking you're a sheep.

Look, you're supposed to be analysing
my feelings of inferiority towards Badvoc.

I am the boss around here, you know.
People bow at me in the streets.

24,000 soldiers follow me.

That huge bust in the marketplace
is of me.

That what in the marketplace?

- That huge bust!
- There you go again! Large breasts!

Shut up! Shut up!

Ah! Now you're being aggressive.

I wasn't being aggressive,
I was telling you to shut up!

- That's aggressive.
- No, no, no. That's assertive.

This is aggressive.

- Ooh!
- Guard!

Sir?

You're my head of security.

What's been going on in my absence?

Last week, I had some of the neighbours
round to my place for a few drinks.

Is that all?

No, I had a cheese dip as well.
It was a great success.

Look, did Badvoc
get up to anything whilst I was away?

No. No. I had him followed. I followed him
personally. He didn't notice a thing.

- I was cleverly disguised.
- I'm sure you were.

- As a Cornish prostitute.
- A Cornish prostitute?

Yes, I've always rather fancied
that I was good with accents. Well...

(Cornish accent) Oo-er, oo-er, give
us a bite of your pasty, big boy. Oo-er.

And did you find anything out?

Yes. That Mungo's
rather an adventurous lover.

- What about Badvoc?
- No, he just wanted to talk.

Did he do anything illegal?

Yes, he broke into your office
and snooped around.

- For how long?
- About a fortnight.

He snooped around my office
for a fortnight?

Not continuously. He went on a fishing trip
to Mersea Island for three days.

And a very enjoyable three days
they were.

I am glad, yeah. Did he get hold
of any top secret documents?

No, it was mainly mackerel and sprat.

Get out!

I think that four weeks away
has done you the world of good, sir.

Marvellous.

Right, quick,
let's get this sack open, come on.

Quick!

Excuse me. What are you doing here?

What am I doing in here?
What are you doing in here?

- I'm the guard from the main gate.
- Who's guarding the main gate then?

About time too!

This sack stinks!

Here, do you mind? That's my best shirt.

- Have you got any food?
- Information first. What's been happening?

Well, for hours nothing happened.

And then suddenly a dirty great woodlouse
crawled into my ear.

- No, what have you heard?
- Not a thing.

I've had a woodlouse in my ear.

Listen, Wolfbane, no info, no money.

OK, Aulus has had a head doctor in
to see him.

He's cracking up and he blames you for it.

Excellent. So just one more push
to finally send him to the madhouse.

We should put him on a rack
and slowly turn it an inch a day.

In two weeks
he'd be screaming in excruciating agony,

he'd be begging for mercy.

He'd also be eight foot tall, Mungo.

I don't want eight foot tall angry Roman
after me.

I don't believe it. Right!

- Badvoc!
- Ah!

- The very person I wanted to see.
- You're under arrest.

We're thinking of having a dinner party.

- Nothing formal.
- I hereby sentence you to death.

- We thought it'd be nice if you came.
- Bring a bottle.

Did you hear that, Badvoc?
You're under arrest!

And you'll be decapitated
one week from today.

We'll bring the dinner party forward.

May I ask exactly
why he's been sentenced to death?

Well, erm, for conspiracy
to invite the governor around to dinner.

- There's no such offence.
- There is now. Guard!

Yes, sir?

Arrest this disgusting piece of filth
and jail him.

- Yes, sir. Come on.
- Not that one.

- This disgusting piece of filth.
- Oh, sorry.

And the rest of you,
out, out, out, out, out!

- We could make it lunch.
- Out.

Aurus, I think
you could be making a terrible mistake.

No, Grasientus,
I've never felt so right in all my life.

Oh, I'm so happy. Come here, Grasientus.

Argh!

What was that for?
I thought you got rid of your anger.

That wasn't anger, Grasientus.

That was... elation.

Course, you realise, Mungo,
that after my... execution,

you shall become leader of our tribe.

I hadn't thought about it, Badvoc.

It never crossed my mind
the situation would arise.

Thanks, Mungo. You're a good friend.

I'd rather have you alive, Badvoc,
than inherit your kingdom.

Thanks, but nevertheless I shall die.

And you shall inherit.

So I want you to have
my golden torc of office.

- No, Badvoc, please, keep it.
- Mungo, I want you to have it.

It should be buried with you, great leader.

Thanks.

Besides, if it's too big
he's had another one made in his own size.

- Thanks, Blag (!)
- Well, that's charming.

Listen, Mungo, you owe it to me.
I've been like a father to you.

That's true. You beat me up
and slept with my mother.

Do all those good times mean nothing?
Here, remember those two girls in Maldon?

- Yeah.
- They were goers, weren't they?

As I recall, one of them was stunningly
attractive and the other was as ugly as sin.

Yeah, what a night, though!

- You ended up with the attractive one.
- Yeah, well...

- Then you had the ugly one.
- Well...

I spent five hours in the rain
looking after the horse.

That was a lovely-Iooking horse, Mungo.

Aulus says I can be executioner.

- How could you?
- Well, it's a job, isn't it?

Listen, you two, you've got to help me.
You're my only friends in the world.

Please.

- All right, we'll do it.
- Thanks, Mungo.

We'll get the execution cancelled.

- Hang on, what about my job?
- Blag!

- Oh, all right.
- Thanks, Mungo. Good luck.

Thanks, Blag. Good luck.

(Sighs) I won't mince words with you,
Aulus. I'll get straight to the point.

I'm a proud man.

I'm proud to be British.
I'm proud to be a Trinovante.

I'm proud to be Badvoc's
second in command.

I despise Rome and everything Roman.

Until this very moment

I never thought I could go down
on my knees and beg a Roman for anything

and yet that is what I now do.

I beg you, Aulus.

I beg humbly before you on bended knees.

I beg you to spare the life of Badvoc.

I'll eat the soil off your floor!

- There is no soil on my floor.
- Blag.

I defile myself before you, oh mighty Aulus.

I'll do anything for you
or for Rome if it will save Badvoc.

Aulus, I implore you! Spare his life!

No.

Fair enough. You can't say I didn't try.

Now listen, Aulus,
I'll let you have this soil for free.

But in future
it's 50 sesterces a trouserful, all right?

Oh, by the way.
Now's the time to get your daffs in.

Then after your execution,

when you're finally gone from this world,

your body will be transported
to the banks of the River Styx.

The grim and dismal river of death.

And there you will wait

with all the other
wailing and tormented souls,

until it's your turn
to be transported to Hades by the ferryman.

Sounds horrific.

It is. It is.

But for just one bag of gold

I can get you
a priority booking on the Stygian ferry.

No hanging around, straight across to hell.

You won't like hanging around
with all those dead people.

Listen, is there only one ferry then?

Yes, one ferry
that endlessly goes across the Styx.

Why don't they build a tunnel?

Well, they've been talking about it
for years but...

Now listen, Wolfbane,
if you get me off this execution,

I will let you have...

all my buried treasure.

Pff! Do you expect me to believe
that you've got buried treasure?

And that if you did have
you'd give it to me if I get you off?

There's only one way to find out,
isn't there? Get me off.

But I know what a lying bastard you are,
Badvoc.

And I know what a greedy bastard you are,
Wolfbane.

Done.

Ooooo! Oooo!

I am the ghost of next week!

I have rushed across
the spectral plains of time

to utter a warning to Aulus Paulinus!

Ooooo! Argh!

Next week, of which I am the ghost,

I saw an unhappy man.

It was Aulus Paulinus.

He was sad
because he had done a foolish thing.

He executed Badvoc.

Ooooo!

And now there is bloodshed, bloodshed,
yes, bloodshed!

That's like cowshed only red.

The Romans and Britons are fighting
a bloody war against each other.

Everyone will die, even Aulus Paulinus!

Ooooo!

Nice try, Wolfbane.

Shit!

Ah, boys! How did you get on?
What did he say? Tell me. Tell me.

- Good news and bad news.
- What's the good news?

I still got the job!

I see. What happened?

I did my best, Badvoc, honest I did.
I used sincerity.

- You used sincerity?
- Yeah.

What did you have to go and use
sincerity for, Mungo?

Why didn't you use something
you're good at like deceit or violence?

I offered him some free soil.

- And you offered him some free soil?
- Yeah!

- And that failed to clinch my release?
- Yeah.

What a granite heart Aulus must have,

to remain unswayed by a complimentary
trouserful of Blag's soil.

And that on top of sincerity

offered by Mr
Shifty-two-faced-sell-his-own-mother here.

Wolfbane, excellent. How did you get on?

Well, I went into his bedchamber
while he was asleep.

And I put on a white sheet and I pretended
to be the ghost of next week.

- And Aulus didn't fall for that?
- No!

And I waggled my arms and I went Woooh!

It sounds foolproof to me, Wolfbane.

Yeah!
I even had Ghost written across here.

- Wonder where you went wrong?
(Aulus clears throat)

Yes?

Badvoc...

I made a silly mistake.

I got angry and I overreacted.

And I've come here to tell you
that I'm sorry and the execution is off.

Is that all?

Sorry?

You swan in here with your apologies
and expect that to be an end to the matter?

Six whole days I've been in this cell
awaiting certain death.

It must have been dreadful but now
at least you know you're not going to die.

Oh, that's makes it better, does it?
I think that makes it worse.

Six days thinking I was going to die
to be told I'm not going to die!

That is a living hell!

- I thought you'd be pleased.
- No, I am displeased in the extreme.

Displeased by the fact
that because you're such a weak leader,

you make stupid, unthinking mistakes!

Don't you talk to me like that!

- No wonder you need a head doctor!
- Right, that does it.

The execution is back on!

Oh, it's on now, is it? On, off, on, off.
Make up your bloody mind!

Right! Tomorrow! 11 o'clock! You die!

You're so indecisive! Get your act together!

- How did you get on?
- No problem. I talked him round.

It's on!

Mungo...

Badvoc, how are you? Looking well.

- What's that you're wearing?
- It's your tribal chieftain gear.

You could have waited till I was dead.

Straight after this I've got to attend
my first public engagement.

- Oh yeah, what's that?
- It's a funeral.

Oh.

Very disappointing turnout.

They're whipping an adulteress
in Colchester this afternoon.

Course, yeah.

Souvenirs! Get your souvenirs here!
Get your execution souvenirs here!

Wolfbane! You're a disgusting specimen.

This is quality merchandise. Look at these.
Badvoc execution dolls.

Before and after.

- I'm going home.
- Next prisoner approach.

(Drumroll)

Let the execution commence.
Lead the prisoner to the block.

The executioner
will put on the ceremonial death cap.

I can't see nothing! I've gone blind!

You're supposed to put it on my head,
you prat.

Sorry, Badvoc, I'm nervous, you see.
This is my first decapitation.

Mine too, funnily enough.

Ha ha! Very good!
Good old Badvoc joking to the very end.

Shut up and chop my head off, you fat git.

No, wait. I want to say something.

People of Britain,
as I stand here today on the shores of life,

gaze over the inky sea of death,

I look back at my life and ask,
was it worth it?

Or was it a waste? I don't know.

But what I do know is this.

That I want every Briton present here today

to make damn sure
that my death is not a waste.

I want my death to be a birth.

A birth of fierce anti-Roman feeling.

A birth of renewed Celtic pride.

A birth of war, of revolt, of rebellion
against these odious oppressors

who have trampled on us and wrecked
our land, our history and our culture!

Today I die
but I die so that others may live.

Marvellous speech.

- Total bollocks, of course.
- Oh yes.

But very moving.

Cut off his head!

That programme was shown
as a tribute to Rory McGrath,

who died earlier this year
in an accident while filming this series.

In next week's episode, the part of Badvoc
will be played by Bonnie Langford.

Howard Lew Lewis is currently
facing charges of manslaughter.

So for the rest of the series the part
of Blag will be played by Elizabeth Taylor.
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