Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Vidi, Vici, Veni - full transcript

You know, Gargamadua, I am a very lucky man.
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Look at me. I'm young, attractive.

I'm with the most beautiful girl
in the whole wide Chelmsford area.

And I live in the lap of luxury.

I bet you couldn't name one person
who's better off than I am.

- Aulus Paulinus.
- You see?

That great Roman tosspot? Name me one
thing that he's got that I haven't got.

Nice villa, underfloor heating,
lovely clothes, good manners, a toilet.

All right, I said one thing.

I tell you one thing you've got
that he hasn't got.

- What's that?
- Me.



For a night of mad, passionate lovemaking.

That's true, my love.
And that night is tomorrow night.

- Badvoc!
- Sorry. Business before pleasure.

- Duty calls.
- What duty's that?

Leading my tribe.

Yeah, leading them to Wossers tavern
then leading them to the bar

and leading them in drinking songs,
that's the only leading you do.

Chelmsford is a dangerous place.
It's a jungle out there.

People being attacked, houses being
looted, women being molested.

Only on the nights
you're out leading your tribe.

Look,
supposing Mungo were to come in now

with news of a vicious knife fight
at Wossers tavern.

- I'd have to respond.
- Mungo comes in here every night,

saying, "Badvoc, come to Wossers tavern
quickly, there's been a knife fight."



It's code for "Let's go and get pissed."

- Rubbish.
- Badvoc, come to Wossers tavern!

- Why?
- Well, I thought we'd get pissed.

I hate to disappoint you, gentlemen,

but I'm afraid your leader is staying
at home to make passionate love to me.

Oh. Fair enough.
We'll pop back in, what, ten minutes?

- Shouldn't take that long.
- Out.

Mungo, I've told you before,
don't bring that into the house.

Leave him outside with the other animals.

Gargamadua,
you're very lucky I'm not witty.

Otherwise I'd come back
with a really cutting remark. Huh!

Sorry, lads. Keep in touch.

I'll make sure
you don't regret this, Badvoc.

Tonight, my love, wild horses
wouldn't drag me away from you.

Right, read out what we've got so far.

"Dear Caesar."

That's it.

I don't like the "dear" much.

I'm not mad about "Caesar" either.
Start again.

Caesar, nothing has happened here
in the past two months. Yours, Aulus.

You can't put that in an imperial report.

Nothing has happened here recently.

Name me one thing of interest
that's happened here recently.

- Badvoc has been kidnapped!
- He said of interest.

This is serious, Aulus. Gargamadua
found a note pinned to his door.

"Badvoc is prisoner of the Triconi,
the fiercest tribe in Britain.

Follow our instructions and do as you are
told if you want to see him alive again."

Well, that's simple. Nobody
wants to see him alive again, do they?

The man who would succeed Badvoc
as tribal leader

is even more anti-Roman than Badvoc.

He is fervently committed
to getting all Romans off British soil.

Aren't we all?

His sword drips
with the blood of a thousand Romans.

He wants to get a bit of rag,
that should do the trick.

You may laugh, Aulus.

Suffice it to say that this man's nickname
is the Hammer of the Romans.

- And his real name?
- Cecil.

Aulus, believe me, I know these people.

All right, Functio,
we'll organise a search party.

You sober up the generals
and get them back in here.

Well, poor old Badvoc.

Mm. Poor old kidnappers.

Badvoc, you are prisoner of the Triconi.

The fiercest tribe in all Britain.

Never heard of them!

We hope your Roman allies

will accede to our demands
or we will slowly peel your skin off,

carve your flesh and boil your bones in oil!

(Both laugh)

I see.
Having friends round for dinner, are you?

- Silence!
- Umph!

Oo-ah! Oo-ah! Oo-ah!

Ah, Aulus. Keeping fit, are we?

No, just brushing up my technique
for the next orgy.

- The witnesses to the kidnap are here.
- Ah, good. Send them in.

Oh, it's you two.

Apparently you saw Badvoc
minutes before his kidnapping.

- Could have.
- Yeah.

Did you notice anything unusual about him?

Well, he was sober.

Anything else? Blag?

Well, he didn't look like a bloke
that was about to be kidnapped.

Not to me, anyway.
But then I wasn't really looking, was I?

- No.
- No.

Thank you, gentlemen.
You were a very great help, thank you.

Hang on, I just remembered something.

What?

Supposed to pick up some bread
for my mum.

Good! Thank you.

Gargamadua! I'm sorry. Please.

(Sobs)

This must be a very distressing time for you.

Yes.

But I can't authorise a search party
until we're sure this kidnap is authentic.

Not some elaborate hoax, you understand?

So please, look at this note carefully.

Could Badvoc have written this note?

- No!
- I see.

He can't write!

Right. Please, Gargamadua, don't worry.

Until Badvoc is found you can stay here
in the villa under my personal protection.

Oh, thank you, Governor!
How can I ever repay you?

Thank you!

Aulus, I am your conscience.

And I say you must
put aside these wicked thoughts,

do your duty and look for Badvoc.

I suppose you're right. Yes.

Aulus, I'm your real conscience.

Do yourself a favour. Forget Badvoc.

He wouldn't come looking for you.

Besides, if he doesn't come back,

little Gargamadua will be all on her own.

True, true. Yes.

Don't listen to him, Aulus.

Go on, Aulus, you know you fancy her.

I wouldn't go quite that far.

Look at those lovely lips.
Those beautiful eyes.

Those perfect breasts.
That lovely silk-like skin. Whoa!

Don't forget her bottom. Oh!

Yeah. Those legs! Phwoar! Lovely legs.

Oh, they're gorgeous.
Oh, I wish I wasn't so good.

Stop it, the pair of you. Just go away!

I know exactly what I must do.

Gentlemen, I have decided

there is only one course of action
I can possibly take.

We will begin to search
for Badvoc immediately...

after you come back from the month's
leave I've just decided to give you.

Oi, listen!

Dumping me in a barrel of shit
doesn't bother me, you know.

I've been to Ipswich on market day.

You better watch out.

My friend Aulus Paulinus the governor
will be after you pretty sharpish.

He's probably
got his generals together now.

He's probably scouring the countryside
at this very moment.

Mm! Lovely!

Bit more salt, I think.

MAN: Aulus!

Come in!

(Functio sniggers)

Something amusing you, Functio?

Sorry. (Laughs)

That's all.
I've got a very important guest coming.

- I'll let you get changed. (Laughs)
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, very funny, Functio!

You're so provincial.
This is all the rage in Rome.

- They call it the Persian look.
- But in Persia the women wear it!

Ha ha ha ha! Out!

What's he laughing at?

- Oh!
- I...

Aulus, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Where did you get that?

I've got the only two in Britain.

(Laughs) I'm wearing one
and the other one's in that cupboard there.

Where no one could get it unless Badvoc
came in and stole it and gave it to you.

Badvoc!

- Is there any news of Badvoc?
- Hmm?

Oh! Oh yes, yes, oh yes.

Only this morning I briefed the generals
as to our course of action.

But Gargamadua, tonight
you must forget all about Badvoc.

You must not worry about Badvoc.
Come. Sit down.

I invited you here
to take your mind off things.

- Oh, erm... Music?
- Lovely.

(Laughs)

(Whispers) Music.

Music!

(Band begins to play)

- Wine?
- Thank you.

It's a little Macedonian number
I had sent over.

I think...
I think you'll amused by its nose.

- That was lovely.
- Good!

Poetry! Yes, of course.

Gargamadua, you strike me as a woman

who would respond
to the finer things in life.

(Burps)

Yes. Catullus.

What?

One of our finest Roman love poets.
I'm sure you'll like him.

"My heart is like a sparrow

Imprisone-ed in his cage

Waiting for his mistress

To come...

And fill up the thimble
attached to one of the bars

With sea."

Well, it loses a lot in translation,
obviously. Er...

You see, in the Latin there's a clever use
of the dative case.

Gargamadua, I know you are Ionely,
but so am I.

Hundreds of miles away from Rome,
from my family, my friends.

I have a wife, it's true,
but she doesn't understand me.

And here in Britain
I'm a stranger in a strange land

with no shoulder to cry on.

Yes, Gargamadua.

I know that Ioneliness
can be a very Ionely thing.

Oh, you poor boy!

Right, that does it!

I'm going to count to ten
and then you've had it.

One, two, three, four...

Right, I'll give you one more chance.

I'm going to count to four
and then you've had it. Right?

One, two, three, four.

Argh! Right, you're under arrest.

Quietly now. No funny business.

Shut up!

I wouldn't like to be in your shoes
when Aulus gets here.

He's probably getting ready as we speak.

He's probably on the job
at this very moment.

Oh!

Venio! Venio!

Back, men, back! No, we need him alive!

- Argh!
- Stay! Stay!

Argh! Argh!

Please, please, please.

I can't keep this up any longer.

We've got to.
We're the fiercest tribe in Britain.

I know but we're not, are we?
We're not even a tribe.

There's only two of us.

Don't go on,
I'm getting one of my migraines.

I've had my nervous stomach
for the past three days.

He's so aggressive.

This is nice, what is it?

Mm, it's one of my own, actually.
It's an acorn infusion.

With just a touch of mint.

I'm warning you, Triconi!

Thank God he's tied up.
You did tie him up, didn't you?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm not very good at knots
but I did one of my bows.

- Did you hide that big sword of his?
- Oh, yes.

I hid it under a pile of our swords.

- He'll never find it.
- Good, good, good.

- He's very fierce, isn't he?
- Brutal.

If he found out we weren't a real tribe
of warriors, I wonder how he'd feel?

Acutely embarrassed.

No, no, not the face.

This is the first time in my life
I have been less than delighted

to get my hands on a pair of tits.

- It was his idea.
- No, it was yours.

Shut up! Shut up.

I only hope you asked for a lot of money.

No, we didn't ask for any money.

We wanted
a place to worship the sun and the moon.

Somewhere where we could be at one
with nature and talk to the trees.

Marvellous. Kidnapped by religious nutters
with no business sense.

- Suppose you're vegetarians an' all?
- Oh no, we're from Colchester.

Look, I've got an idea.

We send Aulus another ransom note
demanding 100 bags of gold,

which we split down the middle.

75 for me, 25 for you.

Why do we only get 25 bags?

Well, there's two of you.

Oh, right.

"All we want is a quiet place
to worship the sun and moon

and a few trees to talk to."

What, no demands for money?

No.

A bunch of religious nutters
with no business sense.

It's essential
we get Badvoc back as soon as possible.

Good God, why?

If we don't the streets of Chelmsford
will run with blood.

Make a change from sewage.

To say nothing of the mischiefs
the Icini tribe might cause.

And then there's the gossip.

What gossip?

Aulus, you know
I never listen to such nonsense.

But my wife is on the streets every day.

I'm sorry to here that, Functio.

- Shopping.
- Oh, sorry.

- And chatting.
- Ah.

And the word is
that Aulus will not try to find Badvoc

because... because...

Because...

Because you're poking Gargamadua.

- Gargamadua and I are just friends.
- They've only done it once.

And I have the greatest of respect for her.

And she won't let him any more.

Remind me to kill you one day, Grasientus.
If that's all, thank you.

I'm late for a very important meeting.

I want to talk to you.

I've got to go to a very important meeting.

Gentlemen, please.
I do apologise for keeping you waiting.

Affairs of state, et cetera.

- I want to talk.
- I'm busy.

Now, gentlemen,
what are we going to do about the Icini?

Bugger the Icini.

That's certainly one possibility
we haven't explored.

I want to talk about us!

- What?
- You and me.

Yes, I know what "us" means.

Oh, I get the picture.

Just cos I won't come across with
the goods you've lost interest in me.

What was it you said
as you were taking my clothes off?

Er, "It's not just sex,
it's a meeting of kindred souls."

- Ha!
(Laughs nervously)

I don't think the generals are interested
in our petty squabbles, Gargamadua.

Well, Aulus Paulinus,
I don't mind being just a quick bonk.

But I didn't realise
it was going to be that quick.

(Laughs)

It wasn't that quick, actually.

There are two men here
with a note from the kidnappers.

Ah! Ah...

Come on, hand it over.

Do you know, I've forgotten where I put it.

Somewhere where... Where would that be?
Where no one would ever think of looking.

I know, down my bracchi.

My mum's bread.

Spare shoe.

My kipper.

There we are.

Ugh!

(Coughs)

"P.S. On top of all the other stuff

bung us 100 bags of gold an' all."

I think they've given us a vital clue.

Gentlemen, let us go and find Badvoc.

Is there anything else you want?

Erm... There is actually but I think
it's something I better do outside.

- What was that?
- What?

That noise.
Sounded like the clanking of armour.

Don't be silly.

Probably just the cat.

The cat doesn't wear armour!

There it is again.

It's nothing. You're so twitchy.

Yeah, sorry. What's got into you tonight?

Argh! I think it's a Roman dagger.

Sorry.

It's the last time I listen to you.

Now the only problem I foresee is Aulus.

He might not cough up.

He's a tight-fisted bastard, that Aulus.

Unlike this Aulus...

...who of course is a very fine fellow.

- Hello, Badvoc.
- Aulus.

You've met erm...

and killed...

...Neville...

- and Crispin?
- Yeah.

You didn't give them any ransom money,
any 100 bags of gold?

- No. No.
- No. Good!

- Cos we must not give in to terrorism.
- Quite.

Hawthorn quiche?

I must say, Aulus,
it was very clever of you to find Badvoc.

What was the clue on the ransom note?

Well...

Oh, I see. They used headed notepaper.

Well, Aulus, it is good to be back.

But there is one little matter
I'd like to clear up.

And er... what's that?

Well, the whisper on the street
is that Gargamadua, my beloved honey pot,

was given protection
here in the villa during my absence.

It was the least we could do, Badvoc.

I'm very grateful. It's just that I hear
that the er... protection

may have been a bit over zealous.

Apparently her every little need
was catered for.

Yes, some not so little.

Suffice it to say
that if I find out who it was

who was a bit too thorough
with his protection,

I'll have his bollocks for earrings.

Yes, they'd suit you, Badvoc.

Badvoc, please.

I am an honourable man,
as I know you are.

And I think you owe me some gratitude

for securing your release
so allow me to say this.

When a beautiful woman comes to a man
seeking comfort in her Ioneliness,

it is very difficult for that man, even
an honourable man, if his blood be red,

to refuse her blandishments.

And therefore you must forgive
that man's weakness.

For I believe you already know the person
who took the favours from your woman

is seated here before you.

And so I confess

that that man is none other than

my brother-in-law Grasientus.
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