Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - One for the Road - full transcript

God, this must be the worst job
in the empire, Ripped By mstoll

delivering the governor's mail.

I wouldn't mind if there was
anything worth delivering,

but 2,000 miles for
one poxy letter.

I bet it's a bill.

It's gotta be the
worst job going.

Mind you, it's not as bad as being
chief wall scraper in the vomitorium.

Had a couple of years doing that.
That was pretty bad.

Then I was a bollock catcher
in the eunuch factory.

Knowing my luck, I'll probably
end up as governor of Belgium.

- Here, Mungo.



- What?
- See your wheel's broke.

- Thank you very much.
- You need a spare one.

Yes, I know. Thank you.

Actually, I've got one underneath
this load of horse manure.

Don't think you could see your way clear
to helping me dig it out, do you?

I'd love to, but I'm
rather busy just now,

being a shepherd, like,
having me flock to guard.

You haven't got a flock.

Well, it's only me first day.

Britain? What a dump. I don't know
why we bothered invading the place.

I tell you, it's worse than being in
Syracuse on cat-juggling Tuesday.

It's these bloody British roads.
They're lethal.

Why can't they be straight
like proper roads?

If there was anything round that
corner, we'd be right in the sh...



Excuse me, you didn't see a spare wheel
while you were in there, did you?

You insolent barbarians!
You shall pay for this.

What's your name?

They call me Mungo the Evasive.

- Why's that?
- Who wants to know?

A wit. Well, tell me this.

If you Brits are so smart,

why do you build your roads
with so many bends in them?

Makes it easier to
go round corners.

That's good.

Evasive.

Sex, Aulus! Unfettered,
brazen sex.

Not just now, Grasientus.
I've got a headache.

The men. They're at
it all the time.

Badvoc has set up a
brothel somewhere

to exploit our soldiers and
undermine our discipline.

50 sesterces for an
hour of depraved sex.

That is bad, yes. It was
only 25 when I was a boy.

It's all part of Badvoc's plan.
He's destroying us bit by bit.

Sapping our energy,
riddling us with disease.

There are women out there with naked
bodies concealed beneath their clothes.

Bodies with thrusting breasts,

lean, firm buttocks,

long, shapely legs...

Well, don't stop
there, Grasientus.

There are scenes of indescribable
lust and debauchery.

- How do you know all of this?
- I've seen them with my own eyes.

- What?
- The rumours.

I've seen the rumours. Heard
them with my own eyes, ears.

I've heard the ears
with my own rumours.

Is there any point to
this drivel, Grasientus?

Don't you see, Aulus?

It's all part of the British plan
to weaken us and then revolt.

And when they do attack, where
will the Roman army be?

- Up to its nuts in British...
- Yes, all right, Grasientus.

I take your point.
I'll pass a law.

Anyone found running an
unruly house or den of vice

will be fined or hanged or both.

You word it, I'll sign it.

- Now, where's my post?
- I'm afraid the post hasn't arrived.

No post again? What's
wrong with this country.

You got a spare two
weeks, I'll tell you.

Roads, that's what we need.
Good, well-made Roman roads.

If men are so keen on laying,
they can lay some roads.

That's rather good, isn't it?

I'm punning in British.

I'm sorry?

Well, you see, there's
laying and there's...

Doesn't matter.

Welcome to the finest brothel
this side of Colchester.

What do you think?

- Marvellous.
- She's only the cleaner.

I mean, this place isn't
just a leg-over joint.

I see it as more of a leisure emporium,
a sort of health and fitness spa

where men can take exercise or discuss
the important issues of the day.

It's a...

a sort of gymnasium.

It's a haven of tranquillity.
It's a...

- Leg-over joint.
- It's a leg-over joint, yeah.

And for our very modest fee, if you
join, you can enjoy, for example,

the delights of Enid.

There you are, after a
hard day killing Britons,

there's a lovely place
to get your head down.

I see. Somewhere to
put your feet up.

No, that's Gwyneth upstairs.

Enid, actually, is one of our
most sought-after playmates.

She specialises in
Greek lyric odes,

Germanic love ballads
and blow jobs.

Through here is the...

As you're all well aware, I
have been designing roads now

all over the empire with considerable
success, if you'll excuse my modesty.

Now, this particular road has posed many
difficult yet challenging problems,

but the design I've come up
with copes adequately therewith

and takes into consideration the
economic and topographical feasibilities

and is, and I say this without any vain
glory, like all great architecture,

the perfect marriage of the
aesthetic and the functional,

the sensuous and
the pragmatic...

You've done us a straight
line again, haven't you?

Well, straight is an
emotionally toned word.

Come on, Viatorus.

You've done another of those boring old
straight lines from A to B, haven't you?

Well, certainly it has no bends...
as such.

But, then again, what is a bend?

As Zeno the philosopher
was wont to say...

- Show me the plans.
- Careful, careful.

This design has taken me weeks
of calculation and planning.

- Show me!
- Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Surprise, surprise.

It's worked before. Don't
change a winning format.

- How much do we pay you?
- It's my trademark.

Straight is great.

Curvy is pervy.

Marcus, come and meet my
entertainments director.

Pleased to meet you, Marcus. The
call me Mungo the Procrastinator.

- Why's that?
- I'll tell you tomorrow.

This is Blag.

Hello, Marcus.

He isn't one of the
playmates, is he?

Oh, no, no, no. Mind you, if you
wanted a quick half hour with Blag,

we could arrange something.

- No, thanks, not for me.
- I see. Girls only, is it?

Well, humans only.

He's very sensitive is Blag.

Does he always smell
of horse manure?

Oh, no, no. Some days
he smells terrible.

Blag, relief massage
in number 14.

No, Marcus, I'm sure you'll find this
is a month's salary very well spent.

Listen, Badvoc, the governor's
cutting down on places like this.

- If he finds out I've been...
- There's no need to worry.

This is in a deserted village
miles from anywhere.

It's a remote backwater
of no interest to anyone.

- What's it called?
- Romford.

- Never heard of it.
- Exactly.

Besides, it's not just your
ordinary soldier we get in here.

Some of the governor's personal friends
are regular visitors to this place.

- No.
- Yeah.

The governor's best mate,
Functio, practically lives here.

- But he's a married man.
- So?

He tells his wife he's
on night manoeuvres,

and he's not lying,
I can tell you.

Now, before you go, Marcus, have
you got any of these diseases?

- Certainly not.
- Good.

You soon will have.

Nothing stands in the
way of our new road

except an insignificant abandoned
settlement about here called Romford,

which we can easily knock down
without any local opposition.

We have to be very,
very careful.

The Brits object to us
knocking down their homes.

You'd think they'd pay us.

I'll call in Functio. He's
a level-headed fellow.

If ever you want a calm and rational
opinion about anything at all,

Functio's your man.

Functio!

Ah, now, Romford.

I've never been there.

Who told you? It's a lie.

I'm a happily married man.

Don't mention Romford to anyone,
please, Aulus, I beg you.

Never mention
Romford, not Romford!

It's an awful place.

There, there. Functio,
it's all right.

In fact, we're thinking
of pulling it down.

Oh, good.

Not Romford?

You mustn't pull it down.

Oh, my God!

Lovely, lovely, Romford.

Oh, my dear old Romford.

Oh, Romford.

And so, great Emperor, work
on the wall continues apace.

It will without doubt
stand out in the empire

as one of our finest

and biggest... erections.

- Will that be all, Governor?
- Hm?

Uh, yes, Gargamadua.

Please, call me Aulus.

- Aulus.
- Gargamadua.

What a charming name.

I've often rolled it
around my tongue.

- What does it mean?
- Snot bucket.

Does it? How exquisite.

Well, Snot... Well, Gargamadua,

you shouldn't be performing
these menial tasks.

You should be doing something
much more appropriate

to a girl of your abilities
and obvious charms.

What sort of thing did
you have in mind?

Well, what sort of
thing can you do?

Well, people have said I'm
very good with my hands.

Have they?

And there's one thing I
do particularly well.

- And what's that?
- Aulus!

My God, that's brilliant.
A ventriloquist?

- It's Badvoc.
- I know, it's just like him.

- It's wonderful.
- No, he's coming.

I'm promised to him. He'll kill me if
he finds me here. Where can I hide?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- He'll kill you as well.

Get behind the curtain.

Aulus, what the bloody
hell is going on?

- What?
- This road you're planning to build.

Oh, the road.

Do you realise it goes right
through the middle of Romford?

- Yes, I'm aware of that.
- A place of natural beauty.

Four shacks by a swamp,
according to my information.

One of those shacks, Mr Governor,
happens to be an old people's home.

An old people's home.

Those old people will suffer if
you turn them out of their home.

Have you ever seen old people suffering?
Have you?

I'll show you old people suffering.
Blag, Mungo.

Ow! Ow!

That's old people suffering.

Do you want that on your
conscience, Mr Governor?

These people will be rehoused in
better and cleaner accommodation

nearer Chelmsford.

- Oh, thank you.
- Shut up, you bloody wrinklies!

Clear off. Messing up the
governor's office like that.

Badvoc, why this sudden
interest in Romford?

Aulus, I beg you.

- Nay, I command you...
- Don't you command me.

All right, I'll go
back to begging you.

Aulus, I beg you, do not
destroy that village.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Uh, Functio. Tell him why not.

- Why not what?
- Why he can't destroy Romford.

Because it's a place
of natural beauty.

- Uh-uh.
- The old people's home.

- Ah, yes, the shrine.
- The shrine?

- The shrine.
- The shrine.

- What shrine?
- What shrine?

The shrine... to the great god.

Uh, thingy.

Thingy. The great god Thingy.

Whose shrine must
never be disturbed

lest he visit our tribe
with plagues and boils.

- And pestilence.
- And storms.

- And earthquakes.
- And some more storms just in case.

- And Badvoc is the high priest.
- Eh?

Oh, yes. Oh, great Thingy on high,
all seeing Thingy who sees all...

Yes, all right. Obviously
I'll have to think about it.

I've thought about it and the road still
goes through Romford. Now, you, out.

- You haven't heard the last of this.
- Yes, yes, yes.

- You just wait till the great god...
- Thingy.

Thingy visits you with boils.

Don't come grovelling
to me for forgiveness.

Or boil cream.

Have they gone?

- Ah.
- Ah. Uh...

- Functio, this is...
- Yes, I know.

Hello, Gargamadua.

She's been behind the curtain.

Cleaning it.

Cleaning the back
of the curtain.

They get filthy, the
backs of these curtains.

That looks fine to me. Thank you very much.
That looks fine.

Thank you. Thank you. Fine.

Yes, well, I'll be off, then.

I've just remembered some important
business I have to attend to.

Badvoc.

I hope Badvoc doesn't find out.

Well, what would he do?

Well, he'd probably...

Really? With a mackerel?

Six miles, 385 yards. Good.

It... It does look...

straight to you, does it?

Good, good. Onwards.

- Oh.
- Yeah? What do you want?

Your house is in the way of
our new road, I'm afraid.

Eh? I'm not budging
for no Roman road.

My family's lived here
for hundreds of years,

long before you lot come over here,
with your new roads and so forth.

Over my dead body.

Can we get on, please?

Ah!

Gargamadua.

Some people are born great.

Others achieve greatness.

But tonight, Gargamadua, you're gonna
have greatness thrust upon you.

Can you smell something? A sort of
rancid butter smell with rotting flesh?

Ah, Grasientus,
that explains it.

Look at this profile, Grasientus. One
day this head will be on a coin.

Have to be a very big coin.

Aren't there some children you
can go and frighten somewhere?

- Work has stopped on the new road.
- Why?

Because if you want to
knock down Romford,

the Brits insist on appeasing the local
god Thingy by sacrificing a virgin.

So what's the delay? Trying
to find one, I suppose.

Look, Grasientus, I'm expecting
my massage any minute,

so you get back to that road and tell
them to get on with their sacrifice.

I want that road busy with
traffic by the end of the week.

- And then, Grasientus...
- What?

I want you to go and lie on it.

- Your massage is here.
- Oh.

Gargamadua.

You little temptress.

Come, take me. I'm all yours!

Do you want a massage first?

What the hell are you doing here?
Where's Gargamadua?

Oh, she's down at the
road being sacrificed.

What? It's unbelievable.

Gargamadua? She's not
a virgin, is she?

It come as a surprise to
quite a few of us, actually.

Look, you're gonna have
to be a bit patient,

cos this is me first
time as a masseur.

I used to be a shepherd, but I
got a bit peckish at lunchtime

and ate me job.

You oaf!

Functio, this is monstrous!

I don't know. It could catch on.

And so, Romans,
Britons, friends...

having averted the
senseless slaughter

of a young British maiden,
I would like to...

Yes, I would like to.

Propose this new design
for the Chelmsford Road.

It's got a bend in it.

Yes, in order to preserve
the holy town of Romford,

we have built a road which
now passes by the town,

and henceforth this stretch of road
will be called the Romford Passby.

You've ruined me.

A Roman road with a bend in it?

I'll be the laughing
stock of the empire.

Viatorus the Bender
they'll call me.

Come, come, Viatorus.
Bendy is trendy.

I resign! I'm going
back to Rome.

Good. Out of the door, turn right,
straight line for 2,000 miles.

I didn't know it
was fancy dress.

Aulus, we salute thee.

Thee what has saved

the holy town of Romford,

with its sacred shrine
to the great god...

- Thingy?
- Thingy.

In fact, Functio and
I are off there now

for an evening of...

Thingy. Quiet contemplation.

Badvoc, in your capacity as the
high priest of the great god, uh...

- Thingy.
- Yes.

I think I should tell you, that
whilst my men were in Romford,

they discovered a brothel.

No!

There were young girls who exposed
their bodies shamelessly.

They gently manipulated themselves,
rubbing olive oil on their breasts,

lingering tantalisingly
over their nipples,

which they circled like this
until they stood brazenly erect.

This is all hearsay,
you realise.

And apparently there was a woman
writhing on the floor with a snake.

- A snake?
- Must have been Tuesday.

- What?
- This is most disturbing, Aulus.

Yes. Well, in order to preserve
the sanctity of Romford,

I had the brothel pulled down.

Good.

Why the glum faces, gentlemen?

- We are moved.
- We're overcome...

with holiness.

- And purity.
- Good, I'm pleased.

I think in thousands of years,
posterity will thank me

for sparing the
holiness of Romford,

where the faithful can go and contemplate
amongst its hallowed places.

Romford will be a serene place,

with sacred groves
and holy shrines.

Romford will have exquisite
arbours, ponds of the purist water,

lush meadows, crystal
clear streams,

leafy orchards, marble temples.

Romford will have everything.

Will it have a dog track?

Say what you like about these
Romans, they can build a road.

Nice and wide, two lanes so
carts can get by either side.

Yeah.

Here, what's this?

Looks like a Roman chariot coming
down the wrong side the road.

Yeah, I know what it is.

Oi! Get over! Get
over to the left!

Over to your right!

- Left! Left!
- Left!

- Over to your right!
- Get over to the left!

- Right!
- Left!

- Right! Ripped By mstoll