Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 9 - Two Girls for Every Boyd - full transcript
When Sam comes into work with a day's facial hair growth, he, Cliff, Norm and Frasier decide to have a $20 per person 1-month beard growing contest, judged by Carla and Rebecca on length, body, fullness, luster, sheen, bounce and the ever important beer absorption ability. The day before the end of the contest, Sam, Norm and Frasier's beards are looking full and lush, while Cliff's is still straggly. The day of the judging, Cliff miraculously comes in with a full beard, which he attributes the the Clavin genes of sporadic but quick hair growth. Carla thinks he's lying and has a glued on beard but a hard tug at his beard proves that it is real. Is it? Meanwhile, Woody is offered his first leading role at his theater group, that of the young lover George Gibbs in Thornton Wilder's "Our Town". He is excited about doing the part but doesn't tell Kelly as he doesn't want her to know that he has a romantic scene with an actress, even though it's just make believe. However, the scene isn't very romantic as there is no such chemistry between Woody and Emily, his leading lady. The fault is all Woody's as he feels like he is cheating on Kelly. Without telling Woody, Lee Bradken, the director, tells Emily that she has to coax a performance from Woody or else he is going to have to fire him. So Emily uses all her feminine wiles to seduce Woody, only to have their scenes be real. Woody construes Emily's come-ons as being real which makes his performance even less real in deference to his love for Kelly. Can Emily or anyone else do anything to make Woody passionate in their romantic scenes, regardless if that passion is real or not? And if Woody can be real in his scenes with Emily, will Kelly understand?
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Carla? Beer, please.
Friends, circle the day in red.
Today, Lilith and I are off
on our first outing sans baby.
All right.
Congratulations, Frasier.
And well deserved, too.
I feel like a free man.
You have no idea how an infant
can dominate your life.
Fortunately, Lilith and I
have seen to it
that we can get away and
enjoy ourselves independently.
Where you going?
First, we're off to the crib
store to buy a new liner,
and then it's a Lamaze reunion.
Wait, wait, wait.
So who's taking care
of the little papoose?
Oh, we've lucked into
the most fabulous au pair.
You know, one of those
foreign-exchange students who,
in return for room and board,
take care of the child?
Ours happens to be large,
blond, and from Sweden.
Ooh!
Now, Lilith doesn't
object to having
a spicy little Swedish
meatball around the house?
She's been so busy
being a mommy,
I don't think
she's even noticed.
Come on, Frasier.
We don't want to cut
into Torsten's exercise time.
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Good morning.
Sam, you're 7 minutes late.
Oh, boy, I wish I
was more like you.
But I just can't seem
to find the time to sit around,
watching the minutes tick by
while I get older,
realizing that
I've wasted my life.
I meant roughly 7.
So what's your excuse?
Well, I had a date last
night I was 7 minutes late for
and I just could never catch up.
And I suppose you didn't have
time to shave this morning?
Oh, sorry.
I forgot.
Sure, you forgot.
It wouldn't happen that you
think that looks sexy, would it?
No. Really,
I just forgot.
It looks sexy, huh?
Sammy, say, you shouldn't
be so surprised.
You know, women really can't
resist a thick crop of jaw hair.
It goes back to, uh...
It goes back to Androcles.
Wait a second.
Wasn't Androcles
the guy who pulled
the thorn out of the lion's paw?
That's what he told his wife when she
found the scratches on his back, huh?
I'm telling you, guys...
Babes and beards.
CARLA: Yeah?
If beards are such a babe
magnet, why don't you have one?
Well, as a matter of fact,
Carla, in my family's history,
I'm the first Clavin
to go without a beard.
You're the first Clavin
to go without a tail.
You know, Carla... you know,
one day without giving
the old Norelco a face ride,
this chin would
outshine Sammy's.
Oh, what are we
talking about here,
a beard-growing contest?
You got it.
What do you say, Sammy?
20 bucks?
What the heck.
I haven't had
a beard for a while,
and it's all in good fun.
It really looks sexy, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Yasser Arafat
always gets me hot.
Who?
OK. I'll be the judge.
You have one month,
starting today.
Your beards will
be rated on length,
body, fullness, luster,
sheen, and bounce.
"Bounce"? How you
going to judge bounce?
You'll see.
What do you say there, Norm?
You want to put your peach fuzz
on the starting line?
Like I've got nothing better
to do than sit around a bar
all day and watch my hair grow.
Yeah, I'm in. Yeah.
Can you believe
this pathetic display?
It pleases me that you're
secure enough in your masculinity
to forego these
never-ending rites of passage.
No, no, I mean that this
convention of babies' bottoms
think they can grow
better beards than me.
All right, you bald-faced
debutantes, I'm in.
Hey, guys. I thought
you were out on a date.
We are, Sam.
I'm topping off the evening by
bringing Kelly here to Cheers.
Why do that? You
spend all your time here.
Well, I know, but tonight
I'm here as a customer,
and that means I get
to order you around.
Two ginger ales, big guy, and don't
try to slip us any of that house stuff.
Look at him run.
Wow, Woody!
When you were talking
about this in the car,
I never thought you'd
go through with it.
Wow, this customer stuff
is going to be great.
You know, usually I'm
so busy working, I miss out
on all the witty conversation
that goes on around here.
Norm, you seem to have
a little cheese-doodle dust
on the corner
of your mouth there.
No, I didn't have
any cheese doodles.
Last night you did.
I did?
Yeah. Wow.
Boy, that stuff really
keeps, doesn't it?
I hate to tear
myself away, Woody,
but I better get
my dad's car home.
All right.
I'll let you know if they find any
more food on Mr. Peterson's face.
[PHONE RINGS]
Cheers.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Woody, Lee Bradken.
Aren't you
forgetting something, Sam?
I'm the customer...
You bring the phone to me.
In that case, I'm going to charge
you $2.00 for that ginger ale.
Coming!
Hello?
I did?
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Bradken!
Oh, thanks a lot!
I won't let you down!
Thank you very much!
Hey, everybody, that was the
director of my community theater!
I finally got a lead
in one of our plays!
[CHEERING]
First, I get a bike
when I'm 10, and now this?
Boy, I...
Woody, what part
are you going to play?
Oh, I'm playing George Gibbs
from Our Town,
kind of a naive, small-town guy
who's a little shy
and sort of backward.
Can you believe they chose me?
Oh, this is really exciting.
The girl who's playing Emily
is a terrific actress.
I mean, actually, she's got
kind of an advantage
because her real name is Emily.
Ahh.
She don't even have to learn
to answer to a different name.
Oh. I guess you'll be doing
all the real work, then, huh?
All I can say is
it's about time.
You have lugged coffee
around and sold tickets
in that theater long enough.
Just paying my dues, Miss Howe.
Boy, this is a big night for me.
Who wants to help me
paint the town?
All right!
Yeah!
Hey, where we going,
wood? To the theater.
I'm in charge of the scenery
and I got to paint the town.
So do you think my beard
makes me look older?
No.
Really?
Yeah. It's your hairline
that makes you look older.
Well, Rebecca, the
contest is almost over.
You only got about 24 more hours
to keep stealing those
subtle little glances at me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on.
I've seen you looking at me
over your shoulder like...
A little ashamed, but not
being able to stop yourself.
Yeah, right. You look like you
live in the woods and chop trees.
In this fantasy of yours,
is my shirt on or off?
Oh, please!
Are there little droplets of sweat running
down my well-formed body like rivers?
Don't make me laugh.
I saw that.
Sam? Sam, get this.
Who do you think I look
like with my beard this way?
Oh. Well,
that's easy.
You look like that little guy
on the cans of deviled ham.
No, no.
Sigmund Freud, the father
of modern psychoanalysis
and one of the greatest
minds of the 20th century.
He gave all that up
to sell deviled ham?
The man had to live.
You know, lately, when
I'm in my office taking notes
about some patient who's
pouring his guts out,
I imagine I'm Dr. Freud
and I'm back in Vienna,
hobnobbing with the
great minds of the era,
exchanging quips with Jung,
developing the original
theories of psychoanalysis.
Before I know it, the hour's up.
I've discovered
I haven't even listened
to a single thing the
patient's been saying.
It makes a nice change.
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What can I get you, Norm?
Got any flea powder?
No. Just kidding.
Actually, give me a beer.
I think I'll drown
the little suckers.
That beard's looking good, man.
It's filling in nice.
Yeah, I got to hand it to
you guys: You are good.
Not in the ballpark of
Nick Tortelli, though.
Yeah?
Now, that was a hairy man.
Yeah, you know, the
first time I saw him naked,
I couldn't even tell
he was naked.
But then who would've
expected it at a Bob's Big Boy?
NORM: Oh! Hide, everybody!
Hide! Hide!
It's the wolf man!
Oh, no! No!
Sorry. Relax.
It's just Cliff.
Very funny, Norm.
Very funny.
Don't give up your day job, huh?
Oh, that's right...
You don't have a day job.
ALL: Ooh!
All right. Come on,
Cliff, admit it.
The beard looks a
little pathetic, huh?
Apology accepted, Norm.
You guys, tomorrow is Woody's
opening night and he's really excited.
So why don't we chip in... aah!
Wolf man!
I love that gag!
Emily, I'm going to do my best.
I love you, Emily.
I need you.
Well, if you love me...
Wait. Wait. Stop.
Woody, honey,
tomorrow is opening night.
I'm not getting love from you.
Well, I really do
respect your work, sir.
Not for me, for Emily.
When you say "I love
you," I don't believe
you're really
talking to this girl.
Again, please.
I love you, Emily.
No, no, no.
Ron, honey, you want to help
Woody run lines for a minute?
Do I have to?
What kind of a theater
is this, Ron?
Community theater.
Come on, Woody.
Emily, honey, we got
a little problem here.
Is it me?
Because I really felt connected
in that last run-through.
Honey, you're the
best actress we have.
No, it's Woody.
I think I may have to
replace him in the part.
Every time he has to
touch you or play anything
resembling a love
scene, he just freezes up.
Maybe I can get him
to loosen him up.
Oh, give it a try.
I suppose if you
could get him past
that one little block,
then we could be free
to work on all his other blocks.
I'll try,
Mr. Bradken.
Woody, honey, you want
to come back center stage?
Emily's going to work
with you a little longer.
Come on, Ron. I need a lift
to my sister's up at the cape.
Do I have to?
Ron...
Community theater.
I don't know what I'm
doing wrong. I'm centered.
I'm breathing from my diaphragm.
I found my focal point.
I'm not chewing gum.
Why don't we try
improvising a little?
We'll get on our ladders
and we'll just say
whatever we think our
characters are thinking.
And remember, George and Emily
aren't two innocent kids
playing around with love.
They're consumed by
the fire of their passion.
Don't you think?
OK, I'll start.
It's a beautiful moon,
isn't it, Woody...
I mean George?
It sure is, Emily...
I mean Emily.
I hate to waste a
romantic night like this
when we could be... Exploring
our feelings for each other.
What are you doing
improvising on my ladder?
Come on, Woody,
don't be shy. I'm not.
There's just that perfectly
good ladder over there
that nobody's improvising on.
Woody, I think we need to
feel the same passion and fire
that George and Emily felt...
Now.
What are you doing?
Improvising the farewell scene.
There is no farewell scene.
There is now.
So there I am,
hanging from a rope,
and she said she wants
to experience love with me.
Woody.
On a rope?
Oh, boy, she must
be strong, huh?
She was coming on
to me really strong.
She said she wanted
to get close to me.
She kept talking about
flames and passion.
I mean, this girl wants me,
and I don't even know her.
Does that ever
happen to you, Sam?
Well, not this afternoon.
Uh-oh. She just got in
under the wire.
What if Kelly finds out?
She won't understand.
She's already upset because I haven't
been spending a lot of time with her.
Oh, she's got to understand.
You're in a play.
You have rehearsals.
I haven't exactly told
Kelly I'm in a play.
Why not?
Well, Kelly's kind of
an old-fashioned girl.
This play has a lot of stuff like
kissing and homework dying.
Believe me, Our Town
isn't the kind of play
you want to take a nice girl to.
Woody, Woody, you got to tell
Kelly you're rehearsing a play.
NORM: I'm afraid
Sammy's right.
You can't go sneaking out at
nights on somebody you love.
Woody, you have to
believe that truth and...
Norm, it's Vera.
I'm not here... honesty are the
cornerstones of any relationship.
You're right, Mr. P.
Kelly's coming by
later this afternoon.
I'm going to tell her the truth.
Good man, wood.
After all, being a proud member of the
theater world is nothing to be ashamed of.
How would you know?
Back in my university days,
I once trod the boards,
most memorably as man number two
in our production of can-can.
I didn't know that,
Dr. Crane. Oh, yes.
Theater was the only time I seriously
considered giving up psychology
for the arts,
but I couldn't
disappoint my Father.
No, sir, not him.
I remember opening night.
I stared breathlessly out
from behind the curtain to see
if he'd taken the seat
I'd left for him.
But he was too busy with
his experiments to show up.
Always involved with
those damned experiments.
Your dad was a scientist, huh?
No. He was a white rat.
Of course he was
a scientist, you nit!
You see, my father wanted me
to go into psychology...
He insisted on it.
At the time, I hated him for it.
Then he died before
I had a chance to realize
that he was right, and I
never got to tell him.
It's funny, isn't it?
That's a good one,
all right, Dr. Crane!
Woody...
I meant "funny"
in a sad, ironic way.
Ha! I know!
Those kill me!
All right, losers.
Let's count the hair
on our chinny-chin-chins.
CARLA: Come off it, Clavin.
If you expect us to believe
you grew that phony
beard overnight,
you're as stupid as you look.
No chance of that, Carla.
No, this righteous
facial moss is pure Clavin.
Yeah, baloney!
Ah!
This thing is really on there.
Hey, all right.
Knock it off!
Come on, guys, I told you.
I told you Clavin hair grows
in spurts. It runs in the family.
As a matter of fact,
Grandpa Clavin...
He used to let us
hang from his beard.
No, wait a second. Grandpa
Clavin died when I was 6.
Who was that guy?
OK. It's time to pick
who has the best beard.
Test number one... if
all the contestants
will please line up,
my lovely assistant
will help me with the
beer absorption test.
Beer absorption
test. OK.
Thank you.
CLIFF: Hey, whoa.
Vanna.
[SLURPING]
Norm, no cheating!
Woody.
WOODY: Hi, Emily.
What are you doing here?
Try the cheeks now, boys. Really
roll them around in there. Come on.
Come on, come on.
Soak up every drop.
This counts as
1/5 of your score.
EMILY: Are you OK?
Sure. Fine.
I just want to make sure I
didn't scare you last night.
I wasn't coming on to you
or anything.
I was just trying to motivate
you, stir something inside of you.
I never wanted anything
to actually happen between us.
I've heard of that.
Yeah, it's called method acting.
Where I come from, they
call it a certain kind of teasing.
Where can we go to rehearse?
What about the pool room?
OK.
Do you know we only have 4 hours
to make an audience believe
that we are a young couple
growing up, falling in love,
getting married, and dying?
They'd have to be
pretty stupid to buy that.
No, that didn't stick.
Just what are you trying to
accomplish with this test anyway?
Nothing. I'm just trying
to put out your eye.
I love you, Emily.
I need you.
It should be more like this.
Woody!
I can't believe it!
Oh, wait, Kelly. It's
not what it looks like.
Don't make excuses, Woody.
Now I see what's going on.
You're busy every night
and you won't tell me why.
I walk in here and find the two of
you kissing in the back room of a bar.
It all adds up...
You're in a play and you
didn't even tell me!
Wait! Maybe I was
just cheating on you!
4,061...
4,062...
Wait. This is
a misunderstanding.
EMILY: Yeah, listen to him.
KELLY: You stay out of this.
Oh! Woody's babes
coming to blows.
Catfight!
Catfight!
You get out of my way
right now, or so help me
I'll hurt your feelings.
You do, and I'll
hurt yours right back.
Kitten fight.
Kitten fight.
Kitten fight.
Look, I'm really sorry.
When I get miffed, the
adrenaline just goes crazy.
Kelly, I didn't tell
you about the play
because I thought you
might be uncomfortable
seeing me kiss and
hug another woman.
Come on, Woody.
I've seen plays before.
I can't believe you didn't
trust me enough to understand.
I didn't want to take the chance of
something coming in-between us.
You're my girlfriend.
I love you, Kelly.
Why can't you say it
to me like that?
Well, I don't love you;
I love Kelly.
Can't you pretend I'm Kelly?
Would that be OK, Kelly?
Well, all right.
But just for the play.
I'm sorry.
I just can't look you in
the eyes when I say that.
Well, why don't you try
starting on something else?
Just say it to the air.
I love you, air.
Great! All right.
Now say it to this guy.
I love you, Tecumseh.
Hey, I'm starting
to get the hang of this.
I love you, Miss Howe.
Thank you, Woody.
I love you,
Mr. Clavin.
Well, Woody, it takes
quite a man to admit that.
I was just acting.
Oh, yeah. So was I.
I'm starting to get this.
Now say it to me.
I love you, Emily.
Oh, Woody.
Mr. Bradken said that if
you didn't get over this,
he's going to replace you
in the part.
I love you, Emily.
So that's the secret
to acting... fear!
So what other bad things
did he say about me?
Hear ye, hear ye.
Here are the results
you've all been waiting for.
And the winner is...
Cliff Clavin.
Oh, man.
Hey, surprise.
Well, we know it's not fixed.
But you should be.
Well, don't look at me,
you guys.
He passed all the tests.
Yep, I'm going to go
call my barber...
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Tell him I won the contest
in spite of that inch
he trimmed off my beard.
Well, I suppose
it's time we shave.
Yep.
To tell you the truth, I'm going
to kind of miss the old beard.
Yeah.
I rather enjoyed
looking like a macho,
grizzly, gnarly kind of
guy that my wife
wouldn't come near
with a 10-foot pole.
Yeah, I'd like to
talk to somebody
about one of your
industrial adhesive products.
So what do you think...
should I keep it or lose it?
I know how sexy you think it is.
Well, Sam, to tell
you the truth,
I think the sexiest
part about a beard
is when a man shaves it.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm.
I've always had
this little fantasy
about sitting in a guy's lap
and lathering him up real good,
and then taking it off,
taking it all off.
What's the point of having a
fantasy unless you make it real?
I agree.
I'm going to do it.
Oh, yeah?
Norm, can you come
in my office, please?
CLIFF: I see. I see.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, just for
the sake of argument,
suppose it did come in
contact with human skin.
Now, can they do that
on an out-patient basis?
[CHEERS THEME PLAYING]
a live studio audience.
Carla? Beer, please.
Friends, circle the day in red.
Today, Lilith and I are off
on our first outing sans baby.
All right.
Congratulations, Frasier.
And well deserved, too.
I feel like a free man.
You have no idea how an infant
can dominate your life.
Fortunately, Lilith and I
have seen to it
that we can get away and
enjoy ourselves independently.
Where you going?
First, we're off to the crib
store to buy a new liner,
and then it's a Lamaze reunion.
Wait, wait, wait.
So who's taking care
of the little papoose?
Oh, we've lucked into
the most fabulous au pair.
You know, one of those
foreign-exchange students who,
in return for room and board,
take care of the child?
Ours happens to be large,
blond, and from Sweden.
Ooh!
Now, Lilith doesn't
object to having
a spicy little Swedish
meatball around the house?
She's been so busy
being a mommy,
I don't think
she's even noticed.
Come on, Frasier.
We don't want to cut
into Torsten's exercise time.
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Good morning.
Sam, you're 7 minutes late.
Oh, boy, I wish I
was more like you.
But I just can't seem
to find the time to sit around,
watching the minutes tick by
while I get older,
realizing that
I've wasted my life.
I meant roughly 7.
So what's your excuse?
Well, I had a date last
night I was 7 minutes late for
and I just could never catch up.
And I suppose you didn't have
time to shave this morning?
Oh, sorry.
I forgot.
Sure, you forgot.
It wouldn't happen that you
think that looks sexy, would it?
No. Really,
I just forgot.
It looks sexy, huh?
Sammy, say, you shouldn't
be so surprised.
You know, women really can't
resist a thick crop of jaw hair.
It goes back to, uh...
It goes back to Androcles.
Wait a second.
Wasn't Androcles
the guy who pulled
the thorn out of the lion's paw?
That's what he told his wife when she
found the scratches on his back, huh?
I'm telling you, guys...
Babes and beards.
CARLA: Yeah?
If beards are such a babe
magnet, why don't you have one?
Well, as a matter of fact,
Carla, in my family's history,
I'm the first Clavin
to go without a beard.
You're the first Clavin
to go without a tail.
You know, Carla... you know,
one day without giving
the old Norelco a face ride,
this chin would
outshine Sammy's.
Oh, what are we
talking about here,
a beard-growing contest?
You got it.
What do you say, Sammy?
20 bucks?
What the heck.
I haven't had
a beard for a while,
and it's all in good fun.
It really looks sexy, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Yasser Arafat
always gets me hot.
Who?
OK. I'll be the judge.
You have one month,
starting today.
Your beards will
be rated on length,
body, fullness, luster,
sheen, and bounce.
"Bounce"? How you
going to judge bounce?
You'll see.
What do you say there, Norm?
You want to put your peach fuzz
on the starting line?
Like I've got nothing better
to do than sit around a bar
all day and watch my hair grow.
Yeah, I'm in. Yeah.
Can you believe
this pathetic display?
It pleases me that you're
secure enough in your masculinity
to forego these
never-ending rites of passage.
No, no, I mean that this
convention of babies' bottoms
think they can grow
better beards than me.
All right, you bald-faced
debutantes, I'm in.
Hey, guys. I thought
you were out on a date.
We are, Sam.
I'm topping off the evening by
bringing Kelly here to Cheers.
Why do that? You
spend all your time here.
Well, I know, but tonight
I'm here as a customer,
and that means I get
to order you around.
Two ginger ales, big guy, and don't
try to slip us any of that house stuff.
Look at him run.
Wow, Woody!
When you were talking
about this in the car,
I never thought you'd
go through with it.
Wow, this customer stuff
is going to be great.
You know, usually I'm
so busy working, I miss out
on all the witty conversation
that goes on around here.
Norm, you seem to have
a little cheese-doodle dust
on the corner
of your mouth there.
No, I didn't have
any cheese doodles.
Last night you did.
I did?
Yeah. Wow.
Boy, that stuff really
keeps, doesn't it?
I hate to tear
myself away, Woody,
but I better get
my dad's car home.
All right.
I'll let you know if they find any
more food on Mr. Peterson's face.
[PHONE RINGS]
Cheers.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Woody, Lee Bradken.
Aren't you
forgetting something, Sam?
I'm the customer...
You bring the phone to me.
In that case, I'm going to charge
you $2.00 for that ginger ale.
Coming!
Hello?
I did?
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Bradken!
Oh, thanks a lot!
I won't let you down!
Thank you very much!
Hey, everybody, that was the
director of my community theater!
I finally got a lead
in one of our plays!
[CHEERING]
First, I get a bike
when I'm 10, and now this?
Boy, I...
Woody, what part
are you going to play?
Oh, I'm playing George Gibbs
from Our Town,
kind of a naive, small-town guy
who's a little shy
and sort of backward.
Can you believe they chose me?
Oh, this is really exciting.
The girl who's playing Emily
is a terrific actress.
I mean, actually, she's got
kind of an advantage
because her real name is Emily.
Ahh.
She don't even have to learn
to answer to a different name.
Oh. I guess you'll be doing
all the real work, then, huh?
All I can say is
it's about time.
You have lugged coffee
around and sold tickets
in that theater long enough.
Just paying my dues, Miss Howe.
Boy, this is a big night for me.
Who wants to help me
paint the town?
All right!
Yeah!
Hey, where we going,
wood? To the theater.
I'm in charge of the scenery
and I got to paint the town.
So do you think my beard
makes me look older?
No.
Really?
Yeah. It's your hairline
that makes you look older.
Well, Rebecca, the
contest is almost over.
You only got about 24 more hours
to keep stealing those
subtle little glances at me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on.
I've seen you looking at me
over your shoulder like...
A little ashamed, but not
being able to stop yourself.
Yeah, right. You look like you
live in the woods and chop trees.
In this fantasy of yours,
is my shirt on or off?
Oh, please!
Are there little droplets of sweat running
down my well-formed body like rivers?
Don't make me laugh.
I saw that.
Sam? Sam, get this.
Who do you think I look
like with my beard this way?
Oh. Well,
that's easy.
You look like that little guy
on the cans of deviled ham.
No, no.
Sigmund Freud, the father
of modern psychoanalysis
and one of the greatest
minds of the 20th century.
He gave all that up
to sell deviled ham?
The man had to live.
You know, lately, when
I'm in my office taking notes
about some patient who's
pouring his guts out,
I imagine I'm Dr. Freud
and I'm back in Vienna,
hobnobbing with the
great minds of the era,
exchanging quips with Jung,
developing the original
theories of psychoanalysis.
Before I know it, the hour's up.
I've discovered
I haven't even listened
to a single thing the
patient's been saying.
It makes a nice change.
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What can I get you, Norm?
Got any flea powder?
No. Just kidding.
Actually, give me a beer.
I think I'll drown
the little suckers.
That beard's looking good, man.
It's filling in nice.
Yeah, I got to hand it to
you guys: You are good.
Not in the ballpark of
Nick Tortelli, though.
Yeah?
Now, that was a hairy man.
Yeah, you know, the
first time I saw him naked,
I couldn't even tell
he was naked.
But then who would've
expected it at a Bob's Big Boy?
NORM: Oh! Hide, everybody!
Hide! Hide!
It's the wolf man!
Oh, no! No!
Sorry. Relax.
It's just Cliff.
Very funny, Norm.
Very funny.
Don't give up your day job, huh?
Oh, that's right...
You don't have a day job.
ALL: Ooh!
All right. Come on,
Cliff, admit it.
The beard looks a
little pathetic, huh?
Apology accepted, Norm.
You guys, tomorrow is Woody's
opening night and he's really excited.
So why don't we chip in... aah!
Wolf man!
I love that gag!
Emily, I'm going to do my best.
I love you, Emily.
I need you.
Well, if you love me...
Wait. Wait. Stop.
Woody, honey,
tomorrow is opening night.
I'm not getting love from you.
Well, I really do
respect your work, sir.
Not for me, for Emily.
When you say "I love
you," I don't believe
you're really
talking to this girl.
Again, please.
I love you, Emily.
No, no, no.
Ron, honey, you want to help
Woody run lines for a minute?
Do I have to?
What kind of a theater
is this, Ron?
Community theater.
Come on, Woody.
Emily, honey, we got
a little problem here.
Is it me?
Because I really felt connected
in that last run-through.
Honey, you're the
best actress we have.
No, it's Woody.
I think I may have to
replace him in the part.
Every time he has to
touch you or play anything
resembling a love
scene, he just freezes up.
Maybe I can get him
to loosen him up.
Oh, give it a try.
I suppose if you
could get him past
that one little block,
then we could be free
to work on all his other blocks.
I'll try,
Mr. Bradken.
Woody, honey, you want
to come back center stage?
Emily's going to work
with you a little longer.
Come on, Ron. I need a lift
to my sister's up at the cape.
Do I have to?
Ron...
Community theater.
I don't know what I'm
doing wrong. I'm centered.
I'm breathing from my diaphragm.
I found my focal point.
I'm not chewing gum.
Why don't we try
improvising a little?
We'll get on our ladders
and we'll just say
whatever we think our
characters are thinking.
And remember, George and Emily
aren't two innocent kids
playing around with love.
They're consumed by
the fire of their passion.
Don't you think?
OK, I'll start.
It's a beautiful moon,
isn't it, Woody...
I mean George?
It sure is, Emily...
I mean Emily.
I hate to waste a
romantic night like this
when we could be... Exploring
our feelings for each other.
What are you doing
improvising on my ladder?
Come on, Woody,
don't be shy. I'm not.
There's just that perfectly
good ladder over there
that nobody's improvising on.
Woody, I think we need to
feel the same passion and fire
that George and Emily felt...
Now.
What are you doing?
Improvising the farewell scene.
There is no farewell scene.
There is now.
So there I am,
hanging from a rope,
and she said she wants
to experience love with me.
Woody.
On a rope?
Oh, boy, she must
be strong, huh?
She was coming on
to me really strong.
She said she wanted
to get close to me.
She kept talking about
flames and passion.
I mean, this girl wants me,
and I don't even know her.
Does that ever
happen to you, Sam?
Well, not this afternoon.
Uh-oh. She just got in
under the wire.
What if Kelly finds out?
She won't understand.
She's already upset because I haven't
been spending a lot of time with her.
Oh, she's got to understand.
You're in a play.
You have rehearsals.
I haven't exactly told
Kelly I'm in a play.
Why not?
Well, Kelly's kind of
an old-fashioned girl.
This play has a lot of stuff like
kissing and homework dying.
Believe me, Our Town
isn't the kind of play
you want to take a nice girl to.
Woody, Woody, you got to tell
Kelly you're rehearsing a play.
NORM: I'm afraid
Sammy's right.
You can't go sneaking out at
nights on somebody you love.
Woody, you have to
believe that truth and...
Norm, it's Vera.
I'm not here... honesty are the
cornerstones of any relationship.
You're right, Mr. P.
Kelly's coming by
later this afternoon.
I'm going to tell her the truth.
Good man, wood.
After all, being a proud member of the
theater world is nothing to be ashamed of.
How would you know?
Back in my university days,
I once trod the boards,
most memorably as man number two
in our production of can-can.
I didn't know that,
Dr. Crane. Oh, yes.
Theater was the only time I seriously
considered giving up psychology
for the arts,
but I couldn't
disappoint my Father.
No, sir, not him.
I remember opening night.
I stared breathlessly out
from behind the curtain to see
if he'd taken the seat
I'd left for him.
But he was too busy with
his experiments to show up.
Always involved with
those damned experiments.
Your dad was a scientist, huh?
No. He was a white rat.
Of course he was
a scientist, you nit!
You see, my father wanted me
to go into psychology...
He insisted on it.
At the time, I hated him for it.
Then he died before
I had a chance to realize
that he was right, and I
never got to tell him.
It's funny, isn't it?
That's a good one,
all right, Dr. Crane!
Woody...
I meant "funny"
in a sad, ironic way.
Ha! I know!
Those kill me!
All right, losers.
Let's count the hair
on our chinny-chin-chins.
CARLA: Come off it, Clavin.
If you expect us to believe
you grew that phony
beard overnight,
you're as stupid as you look.
No chance of that, Carla.
No, this righteous
facial moss is pure Clavin.
Yeah, baloney!
Ah!
This thing is really on there.
Hey, all right.
Knock it off!
Come on, guys, I told you.
I told you Clavin hair grows
in spurts. It runs in the family.
As a matter of fact,
Grandpa Clavin...
He used to let us
hang from his beard.
No, wait a second. Grandpa
Clavin died when I was 6.
Who was that guy?
OK. It's time to pick
who has the best beard.
Test number one... if
all the contestants
will please line up,
my lovely assistant
will help me with the
beer absorption test.
Beer absorption
test. OK.
Thank you.
CLIFF: Hey, whoa.
Vanna.
[SLURPING]
Norm, no cheating!
Woody.
WOODY: Hi, Emily.
What are you doing here?
Try the cheeks now, boys. Really
roll them around in there. Come on.
Come on, come on.
Soak up every drop.
This counts as
1/5 of your score.
EMILY: Are you OK?
Sure. Fine.
I just want to make sure I
didn't scare you last night.
I wasn't coming on to you
or anything.
I was just trying to motivate
you, stir something inside of you.
I never wanted anything
to actually happen between us.
I've heard of that.
Yeah, it's called method acting.
Where I come from, they
call it a certain kind of teasing.
Where can we go to rehearse?
What about the pool room?
OK.
Do you know we only have 4 hours
to make an audience believe
that we are a young couple
growing up, falling in love,
getting married, and dying?
They'd have to be
pretty stupid to buy that.
No, that didn't stick.
Just what are you trying to
accomplish with this test anyway?
Nothing. I'm just trying
to put out your eye.
I love you, Emily.
I need you.
It should be more like this.
Woody!
I can't believe it!
Oh, wait, Kelly. It's
not what it looks like.
Don't make excuses, Woody.
Now I see what's going on.
You're busy every night
and you won't tell me why.
I walk in here and find the two of
you kissing in the back room of a bar.
It all adds up...
You're in a play and you
didn't even tell me!
Wait! Maybe I was
just cheating on you!
4,061...
4,062...
Wait. This is
a misunderstanding.
EMILY: Yeah, listen to him.
KELLY: You stay out of this.
Oh! Woody's babes
coming to blows.
Catfight!
Catfight!
You get out of my way
right now, or so help me
I'll hurt your feelings.
You do, and I'll
hurt yours right back.
Kitten fight.
Kitten fight.
Kitten fight.
Look, I'm really sorry.
When I get miffed, the
adrenaline just goes crazy.
Kelly, I didn't tell
you about the play
because I thought you
might be uncomfortable
seeing me kiss and
hug another woman.
Come on, Woody.
I've seen plays before.
I can't believe you didn't
trust me enough to understand.
I didn't want to take the chance of
something coming in-between us.
You're my girlfriend.
I love you, Kelly.
Why can't you say it
to me like that?
Well, I don't love you;
I love Kelly.
Can't you pretend I'm Kelly?
Would that be OK, Kelly?
Well, all right.
But just for the play.
I'm sorry.
I just can't look you in
the eyes when I say that.
Well, why don't you try
starting on something else?
Just say it to the air.
I love you, air.
Great! All right.
Now say it to this guy.
I love you, Tecumseh.
Hey, I'm starting
to get the hang of this.
I love you, Miss Howe.
Thank you, Woody.
I love you,
Mr. Clavin.
Well, Woody, it takes
quite a man to admit that.
I was just acting.
Oh, yeah. So was I.
I'm starting to get this.
Now say it to me.
I love you, Emily.
Oh, Woody.
Mr. Bradken said that if
you didn't get over this,
he's going to replace you
in the part.
I love you, Emily.
So that's the secret
to acting... fear!
So what other bad things
did he say about me?
Hear ye, hear ye.
Here are the results
you've all been waiting for.
And the winner is...
Cliff Clavin.
Oh, man.
Hey, surprise.
Well, we know it's not fixed.
But you should be.
Well, don't look at me,
you guys.
He passed all the tests.
Yep, I'm going to go
call my barber...
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Tell him I won the contest
in spite of that inch
he trimmed off my beard.
Well, I suppose
it's time we shave.
Yep.
To tell you the truth, I'm going
to kind of miss the old beard.
Yeah.
I rather enjoyed
looking like a macho,
grizzly, gnarly kind of
guy that my wife
wouldn't come near
with a 10-foot pole.
Yeah, I'd like to
talk to somebody
about one of your
industrial adhesive products.
So what do you think...
should I keep it or lose it?
I know how sexy you think it is.
Well, Sam, to tell
you the truth,
I think the sexiest
part about a beard
is when a man shaves it.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm.
I've always had
this little fantasy
about sitting in a guy's lap
and lathering him up real good,
and then taking it off,
taking it all off.
What's the point of having a
fantasy unless you make it real?
I agree.
I'm going to do it.
Oh, yeah?
Norm, can you come
in my office, please?
CLIFF: I see. I see.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, just for
the sake of argument,
suppose it did come in
contact with human skin.
Now, can they do that
on an out-patient basis?
[CHEERS THEME PLAYING]