Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 8 - For Real Men Only - full transcript
Frasier tries to save his son from the Jewish tradition of circumcision.
(male narrator) CHEERS IS FILMED
BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
MY GRANDMOTHER CLEANED OUT
HER ATTIC. GUESS WHAT SHE FOUND?
YOUR GRANDFATHER?
NO. HE DOESN'T GO IN THE ATTIC.
IT'S A MEMORY QUILT
THAT ALL THE WOMEN
IN MY FAMILY MADE FOR ME WHEN
I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH, I'VE HEARD
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
LOTS OF WOMEN GET TOGETHER
AND EMBROIDER PATCHES THAT
ILLUSTRATE THE HAPPY MEMORIES
OF A YOUNG MAN'S LIFE.
SO THESE WOMEN WERE, WHAT,
AUTHENTIC FOLK ARTISTS THEN, HUH?
NO, JUST BORED HOUSEWIVES.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
SEE THIS SOFT LITTLE
SQUARE HERE? YEAH.
THIS IS A PIECE OF MY
VERY FIRST BABY BLANKET.
NOW, UH, WHAT DO THOSE
LITTLE DOTS SIGNIFY?
WELL, THAT REPRESENTS MY VERY
FIRST CHILDHOOD DISEASE, SMALLPOX.
I ALMOST DIED.
WELL, WHAT'S THAT, UH,
LONG GREEN THING THERE?
OH, UH, THIS IS THE BEANSTALK
FROM MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL PLAY.
I FELL OFF OF IT
IN THE FIRST ACT,
CRACKED 2 RIBS AND
PUNCTURED A LUNG.
I ALMOST DIED.
OH, THIS RED PATCH HERE
REPRESENTS THE BIG FIRE
THAT BURNED DOWN
MY HOUSE WHEN I WAS 6.
AND WHAT, YOU ALMOST DIED?
NO, I GOT OUT.
BUT WHILE I WAS RUNNING
AWAY, I FELL IN THIS WELL,
RIGHT HERE AND I ALMOST...
WELL, YOU KNOW.
♪ MAKING YOUR WAY
IN THE WORLD TODAY ♪
♪ TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT ♪
♪ TAKING A BREAK FROM
ALL YOUR WORRIES ♪
♪ SURE WOULD HELP A LOT ♪
♪ WOULDN'T YOU
LIKE TO GET AWAY ♪
♪ SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO ♪
♪ WHERE EVERYBODY
KNOWS YOUR NAME ♪
♪ AND THEY'RE ALWAYS
GLAD YOU CAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA BE
WHERE YOU CAN SEE ♪
♪ OUR TROUBLES
ARE ALL THE SAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA BE WHERE
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA GO
WHERE PEOPLE KNOW ♪
♪ PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA GO WHERE
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME ♪
OK, EVERYBODY, I
GOT A PETITION HERE
I WANT YOU ALL TO SIGN.
CLAVIN, YOU FIRST.
HUH? NO, NO, CARLA,
I'M VERY PARTICULAR
ABOUT WHERE I PUT
MY JOHN HANCOCK.
IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS
IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS,
YOUR JOHN HANCOCK IS
GONNA BE A BETSY ROSS.
RIGHT ABOUT HERE, YOU SAY?
UH, NOT THAT I'M QUESTIONING
YOU, OR ANYTHING SWEETHEART,
BUT WHAT ARE WE SIGNING HERE?
WELL, YOU NOW, WHEN
EDDIE PASSED AWAY, UH,
I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING
SPECIAL FOR HIM SO
I STARTED THIS PETITION TO GET
THE BRUINS TO RETIRE HIS NUMBER,
KIND OF LIKE A MEMORIAL.
YEAH, THAT WILL SHOW HIM THAT
PEOPLE OF BOSTON WON'T FORGET OLD...
OLD... WHAT THE
HELL'S HIS NUMBER?
38.38. OH, NO, NO.
NO, NO, 38 WILL NOT WORK.
THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR GUY
ON THE TEAM, ONE OF THE TOP SCORERS.
IS HE DEAD?
ALL RIGHT, EDDIE'S
GOT HIM THERE, I GUESS.
DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT I GOT TO GET
MORE NAMES, EVERYBODY!
YOU GUYS OVER HERE, YOU
WANT TO SIGN A PETITION
TO COMMEMORATE EDDIE LEBEC?
OH, SURE.
WELL DESERVED, TOO. THANK YOU.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND
HERE HAS SOME RESPECT.
WHO'S EDDIE LEBEC? YOU REMEMBER.
HE'S THAT CARTOON SKUNK.
WHO ALWAYS... ALWAYS
FELL IN LOVE WITH BLACK CATS
THAT HAD CRAWLED UNDER
FRESHLY PAINTED FENCES.
OH, YEAH.
IS HE DEAD?
YEAH, JUST SIGN.
[mumbling]
WHY...
WHY ME?
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT, OR DO YOU WANT TO WHINE?
I GUESS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO. WE CAN'T DO BOTH.
CORPORATE WANTS ME TO THROW
SOME IDIOTIC, STUPID RETIREMENT PARTY
FOR SOME INSIGNIFICANT
MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT NOBODY.
YOU'RE RETIRING?
CONGRATULATIONS!
I WISH. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I WAS
THROUGH WITH THIS SORT OF CRAP.
CORPORATE HASN'T
BOTHERED ME FOR MONTHS NOW.
IN FACT, I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM
THOSE PEOPLE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.
HEY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY HAVE SOMEBODY
ELSE DOING THIS STUFF, DO YOU?
[gasps] WHO'S MOVING
IN ON MY TURF?
I'M GONNA MAKE A FEW CALLS.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
IT'S CRANES A TROIS.
LOOK WHO'S MAKING HIS
FIRST TRIP TO THE BIG BAR.
OOH, SHOW EVERYBODY
HIS LITTLE FAKE I.D., HON.
FRASIER, PLEASE.
OH, I'M JUST
HAVING A LITTLE FUN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE TAPPED INTO A WHOLE
NEW VEIN OF HUMOR WITH THIS BABY THING.
FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY BABIES
DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ANSWER: NONE!
BABIES DON'T HAVE THE MOTOR SKILLS OR THE
DEPTH PERCEPTION TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.
THAT ONE DOES GET ME.
HE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT
THAN HE DID IN THE HOSPITAL.
YES, I KNOW. YOU KNOW
THE DAYS FLEE SO QUICKLY.
IF ONLY WE HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT TO
CAPTURE THOSE EARLY DAYS OF INNOCENCE,
BUT NOW, THEY'RE GONE FOREVER.
HOW OLD IS HE NOW? ABOUT A WEEK.
SAY, DID HIS BELLYBUTTON
FALL OFF YET?
ANY DAY NOW.
WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN THE
UMBILICAL CORD IS SEVERED,
THE REMAINING UMBILICUS STAYS
ATTACHED TO THE NAVAL FOR SEVERAL DAYS,
DURING WHICH TIME IT,
UH, COMES TO RESEMBLE
A SORT OF SHRIVELED,
WEEK-OLD BANANA.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY FUNNY YOU
USE THAT ANALOGY BECAUSE THE, UH,
HUMAN UMBILICAL CORD IF
MEMORY SERVES IS 90% POTASSIUM.
STAY AWAY FROM THE
BABY, WILL YOU, CLIFF?
YOU GOT A NAME FOR HIM YET?
FREDERICK. HEY, ALL RIGHT!
FRED FREDDY, THE FREDDER MAN!
FREDERICK.
THAT, UH, THAT'S QUITE
A RIG YOU GOT THERE.
ISN'T IT MARVELOUS?
THIS IS A NATIVE REBOZO USED
BY THE PEASANT WOMEN OF MEXICO
TO KEEP THE BABY CLOSE AND WARM AND
ENABLE IT TO FEEL THE MOTHER'S HEARTBEAT.
HOW MUCH DOES SOMETHING
LIKE THAT RUN YOU?
OH, JUST A FEW PALTRY
PESOS IN MEXICO.
OR $144 AT SAKS.
WELL, DADDY, WE SHOULD
RUN IF WE WANT TO PICK UP
THOSE DELI PLATTERS
BEFORE THE PARTY. RIGHT.
YOU ARE ALL COMING TO THE
BRIS THIS AFTERNOON, AREN'T YOU?
OH, YOU BET, WE WOULDN'T MISS
THAT BRIS DEAL FOR ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO US.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS RAISED
WITHOUT A RELIGIOUS TRADITION,
AND I'M DETERMINED MY SON
SHALL NOT BE SIMILARLY DEPRIVED.
I'M SO GRATEFUL TO LILITH
AND HER JEWISH FAITH
FOR PROVIDING FREDERICK
A HERITAGE OF SPIRITUALITY.
YOU KNOW, AND THE CEREMONY
PROMISES TO BE QUITE ENLIGHTENING, TOO.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL IT'S NOT EVERYDAY
YOU'RE RITUALLY CIRCUMCISED.
WHAT?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT A BRIS IS.
YES. IT'S THE RELIGIOUS CEREMONY
WHERE THE... THE BABY IS CIRCUMCISED.
OH, THE BABY!
LOOK, EDDIE WASN'T JUST ANY
HOCKEY PLAYER. HE WAS A LEGEND.
HE REPRESENTS THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO!
OK, FINE!
BOY, ONE OF THESE DAYS
I'M GONNA KILL MY MOTHER.
HEY, ARE THOSE LOSERS
FROM CORPORATE HERE YET?
JUST YOU.
WHAT IS THAT?
OH, I NEEDED SOME REFRESHMENTS
FOR THE RETIREMENT PARTY, SO,
I GOT THIS DAY-OLD PLATTER
OF SEAFOOD FROM MELVILLE'S.
OH, THE SHRIMP IS SLITHERING
OFF THE TOOTHPICKS.
[groans] WELL, DON'T JUST STAND
THERE. GET ME A HOT GLUE GUN.
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK? I
THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THE BABY'S BRIS.
WELL, I WANTED TO.
YOU EVER TRY TO FIND A DATE
FOR ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
DON'T YOU THINK THAT FRASIER AND LILITH
ARE GONNA BE INSULTED IF YOU'RE NOT THERE?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT A MOB
SCENE THOSE CIRCUMCISIONS ARE.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA
MISS ONE LITTLE PERSON.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS GONNA GO,
BUT I DIDN'T... YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT
OF RENTING A TUXEDO AND EVERYTHING...
IT WASN'T FORMAL. YOU DIDN'T
NEED TO RENT A TUXEDO. NO?
GREAT, THEN I CAN AFFORD
A FEW MORE ROUNDS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, THIS IS
A VERY IMPORTANT OCCASION
FOR THE CRANES. SOMEBODY
SHOULD GO THERE FROM CHEERS.
WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?
I HAVE A PERFECT EXCUSE.
I HAVE TO ENTERTAIN A
BUNCH OF DEADHEADS.
WELL, WE'RE HERE.
START, UH, JUGGLING.
UH, WE'RE HERE FOR
MY RETIREMENT PARTY.
OH, YES, YES, YES,
EVERYTHING'S SET UP IN THE BACK.
COME ON.
COME ON. SHAKE
'EM, DON'T DAWDLE.
I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE
TO RETIRE, I'M ONLY 65.
I'VE GOT 10 OR 15 MORE
GOOD YEARS IN ME.
THE SEAFOOD WILL
TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HEY. SAM AND
MR. PETERSON ARE HERE.
[exclaims] YOU DIDN'T GO EITHER?
WELL, IT'S NOT
OUR FAULT. I MEAN...
WE LOOKED AND LOOKED FOR A
PLACE TO PARK. JUST COULDN'T FIND ONE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE
LOOKED NEAR THEIR HOUSE
INSTEAD OF JUST
AROUND THE BALL PARK.
SO YOU GUYS ALL
CHICKENED OUT, HUH?
CARLA, YOU'RE A WOMAN. YOU
COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.
WHAT, YOU'RE A
BUNCH OF WUSSY WIMPS
WHO COULDN'T EVEN GO
TO A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY
THAT INVOLVED A LITTLE PAIN
THAT WASN'T EVEN YOUR OWN?
OH, THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
UH, YEAH, THIS IS
NOTHING ANYWAY.
THE ORIGINAL RITES OF
PASSAGE, UH, STARTED
WITH THE JUNGLE
TRIBES DOWN IN BORNEO.
YEAH? WHEN YOUNG
JUNGLE TRIBAL LAD
WAS, UH, ON THE BRINK OF PUBERTY,
THEY'D BRING HIM FORWARD AND, UH,
TAKE OUT THIS LARGE,
SHARPENED CLAMSHELL...
OH, NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME.
THEY WOULD, UH, FILL IT WITH DIP, PASS
IT AROUND WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
OH. THEN THEY'D TAKE
THESE 2 BIG JAGGED ROCKS...
NO, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF.
BANG THEM TOGETHER TO CALL
THE TRIBES OUT OF THE HILLS.
YOU KNOW, THEN THE, UH,
WITCHDOCTOR STEPPED UP
WITH THIS LONG,
SHARPENED BAMBOO STAFF...
OH, HERE IT COMES.
SHOVED IT INTO THE GROUND
AND HUNG A FLAG ON IT.
THEN THEY DANCED AROUND IT
PRETTY MUCH TILL THEY DROPPED REALLY.
WAIT. W-W-WHEN DO
THEY CIRCUMCISE THE KID?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CIRCUMCISE?
THERE ARE NO JEWS IN
BORNEO, YOU MULYAK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS...
I FEEL ASHAMED. I MEAN, LILITH AND
FRASIER ARE OUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?
WE SHOULD BE THERE.
SAMMY'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN A MAN
HAS TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED.
NOW, THEY WILL HAVE THOSE
REALLY BIG PICKLES, WON'T THEY?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M WITH YOU, SAMMY.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW,
FRASIER'S OUR PAL.
YOU KNOW, IF HE'S MAN ENOUGH
TO DO THIS, THEN WE SHOULD BE.
THERE YOU GO. COME ON.
THE BRIS IS OFF. I'VE
KIDNAPPED MY SON.
YOU KIDNAPPED HIM?
WHAT ABOUT THE BRIS?
SAM, I JUST COULDN'T
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I MEAN, I... YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO.
TRADITION AND LILITH AND ALL THAT,
BUT, MY GOD, I'M THE... I'M THE
BOY'S FATHER. AND THAT GUY WAS
ABOUT TO GIVE MY SON
ONE HELL OF A BOO-BOO.
I ASSURE YOU, FREDERICK,
THIS WON'T HAPPEN EVERY TIME
WE HAVE PEOPLE OVER TO THE HOUSE.
WHAT, UH,
SO WHAT DID THE LITTLE WOMAN
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS?
OH, MY GOD, LILITH.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LOOKED BACK AFTER
I ELBOWED HER INTO THE CHOPPED LIVER.
FRASIER, AS A MARRIED MAN, I
THINK I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
YOU GO BACK, YOU TALK
TO HER, YOU IRON THIS OUT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD
HAPPEN? I MEAN, SHE CAN'T KILL YOU.
YOU WERE DEAD THE
MOMENT YOU SAID, "I DO."
YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD GO BACK.
BUT I'D BE SO EMBARRASSED.
I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU GO
BACK TO A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE
THAT THINK YOU'RE A TOTAL IDIOT?
I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO IT, CLIFF?
WELL, I DON'T REALLY
LIKE TO DIVULGE...
HEY!
COME HERE, COME HERE, LISTEN,
LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT YOU'D TELL ME
IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS. FIRST
YOU'D SAY LOTS OF GOBBLEDYGOOK
THAT NO ONE COULD
UNDERSTAND BUT THEN YOU'D
GET ME TO GO BACK
THERE AND FACE THE MUSIC.
ADMIT THE TRUTH.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, SAM.
CONFRONTING ONE'S FEARS IS 1 OF 5
WAYS TO RESOLVE AN INNER CONFLICT.
OF COURSE THE OTHER 4 BEING...
GOD, AREN'T I POMPOUS ASS?
NO, YOU'RE NOT POMPOUS.
LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WE'RE ALL GONNA GO
BACK THERE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT. REALLY?
YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ME?
YOU BET. OH, GREAT. YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT, GUYS. I WAS KIND OF
PANICKED THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES,
BUT I'M READY TO ATONE NOW, AND START
BEHAVING LIKE A RATIONAL AND GOOD PARENT.
OOPS.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU.
CARLA, HOW'S YOUR
PETITION COMING?
WELL, IT WAS A
LITTLE SLOW AT FIRST,
BUT SINCE I STARTED FORGING PEOPLE'S
SIGNATURES, IT'S GONE A LOT FASTER.
THAT'S NICE. YOU KNOW,
I NEVER DID SIGN THAT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DID.
REALLY?
I WORKED YOU IN RIGHT HERE
BETWEEN TOM CRUISE AND MEL GIBSON.
OOH, FORGE ME AGAIN.
HOW'S IT GOING, LARRY?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ROASTED
BY 7 PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW?
ALL THOSE FUNNY,
INSULTING TOASTS.
I CAME OUT TO PREPARE
MY HILARIOUS REBUTTAL.
SO FAR, ALL I CAN THINK OF IS,
"SHUT UP. YOU'RE
HURTING MY FEELINGS."
[laughing]
I GOT A GRANGE
REUNION COMING UP.
CAN I STEAL THAT?
MAYBE I OUGHT TO JUST...
JUST MOON THEM ALL
AND BE DONE WITH IT.
NO, I'D BETTER NOT.
25 YEARS OF SITTING BEHIND
A DESK FOR THAT COMPANY,
I HAVE A PRETTY SORRY
EXCUSE FOR A BUTT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING ELSE, JUST HOLLER.
WHAT A LOSER.
HE'S NOT KIDDING
ABOUT THAT BUTT, EITHER.
WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY.
THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE
LAST PARTIES HE'LL EVER HAVE,
AND HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
HE'S HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
WE SHOULD LIVEN IT UP.
I'M GREAT AT PARTIES.
BACK IN HANOVER, I INVENTED
THE GAME "HIDE BOB'S PANTS."
BOY, EVERYONE LOVED THAT GAME.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR BOB.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, FRASIER. YOU
THROUGH WITH THE BRIS?
YES, YES, YES.
MY SON IS HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND
NOWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF THIS BAR.
OUCH!
SAY, UH, JUST OUT OF
CURIOSITY, YOU KNOW,
IS ANYBODY IN THE BAR
HAPPEN TO BE LACTATING
AND IN NEED OF SOME QUICK CASH?
WELL, IF SO, JUST, UH,
MEET ME IN THE OFFICE.
OUCH! DAMN IT, FREDERICK,
GIVE IT UP. IT'S JUST
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK HE'S GOT THE
BABY UNDER THAT COAT.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT, WOODY?
OH, IT'S THE SAME BASIC
PREMISE AS "HIDE BOB'S PANTS."
OH, MY GOD, IT'S MR. SHERIDAN.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
WHO'S HE, ANOTHER DEADHEAD?
NO. HE'S THE EXECUTIVE
VICE PRESIDENT
IN CHARGE OF EAST COAST
MARKETING, RESEARCH, AND SALES.
HE'S THE WHAT?
HE'S THE HEAD DEADHEAD.
MR. SHERIDAN, WHAT A SURPRISE!
MISS HOWE, YOU'RE
LOOKING VERY WELL.
THANK YOU AND TO WHAT
DO I OWE THIS HONOR?
WELL, I'M HERE
FOR LARRY'S PARTY.
YOU KNOW LARRY?
OH, YES, HE'S A DEAR OLD FRIEND
AND MY WIFE'S YOUNGER BROTHER.
IS YOUR WIFE COMING?
NO. I'M AFRAID
SHE'S PASSED AWAY.
OH, THEN YOU'RE STAG?
UH, I... I DIDN'T EXPECT TO
SEE YOU AT THIS PARTY, SIR.
OH, I REMEMBER WHAT
WONDERFUL SHINDIGS YOU THROW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I RECOMMENDED
YOU FOR LARRY'S FAREWELL.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT FUN
AND EXCITEMENT YOU'VE PLANNED.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, UH, THE
REAL SURPRISES HAVEN'T COME YET.
OH, GOOD, THEN I
HAVEN'T MISSED ANYTHING.
THAT'S SAFE TO SAY.
NOW THOSE PANTS I COULD HIDE.
NOW I HAVE TO PLAN SOMETHING
EXCITING FOR THESE PEOPLE!
FRASIER?
FRASIER? WH-WHERE IS HE?
WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?
WHERE'S MY BABY?
WHERE'S MY BEER?
THEY'RE IN THE OFFICE.
DR. LEVINSON, FRIENDS,
PLEASE, JUST HAVE A SEAT.
I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE
WHILE I REASON WITH HIM.
WIFE TO HUSBAND.
SCIENTIST TO SCIENTIST.
FRASIER, HAVE YOU GONE
COMPLETELY MESHUGANA?
SAM, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHAT?
MR. SHERIDAN, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS
HERE AND HE EXPECTS A TERRIFIC PARTY.
NOW I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING,
THINK OF SOMETHING FANTASTIC.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S YOUR PARTY. Y-YOU
THINK OF SOMETHING.
YEAH, RIGHT. WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
GO BACK THERE, STRIP NAKED,
AND GYRATE TO FUNKY COLD MEDINA?
WE COULD HELP YOU
REHEARSE IF YOU WANT.
I'M BEING NUTS. I GOTTA
THINK OF SOMETHING CLASSY.
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE SOX
DID AT OUR REUNION WE HAD ONCE.
DIDN'T HURT A BIT.
WHAT WAS THAT?
WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. EXCUSE ME?
ALL RIGHT, IT WASN'T A CONTEST, IT
WAS FIXED, BUT WE STILL HAD A LOT OF FUN.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T JUST
RUSTLE UP A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST
AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
SURE YOU DO. IT'S JUST
LIKE ORDERING A PIZZA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK
I HAVE THE 800 NUMBER HERE.
HERE YOU GO.
"FULFILLING YOUR WET
T-SHIRT NEEDS SINCE 1988."
NO, SAM, I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU CALL
AND ARRANGE A
WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
IT EXPLOITS WOMEN.
WHAT, YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?
I'LL CALL.
WHAT ABOUT EXPLOITING WOMEN?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN A
MAN DOES IT, IT'S EXPLOITATION.
WHEN A WOMAN DOES
IT, IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
HI!
IS THIS JIGGLY PARTY QUEENS?
WELL, FRASIER, YOU'VE BEEN IN
THERE QUITE A WHILE. HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL, IT SHOULDN'T
BE MUCH LONGER.
IT'S ALMOST MY TURN TO TALK.
SO HOW DO YOU THINK
THE PARTY'S GOING?
IT'S TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, IF THOSE KITTENS WITH
THEIR CROPPED TOPS AND SELTZER BOTTLES
CAN'T LIVEN THINGS
UP, THEN DARN IT,
MEN AREN'T JUST AS DEPRAVED
AS I THOUGHT THEY WERE.
HOW'S IT GOING? ARE THE
GIRLS CHEERING HIM UP?
WELL, NO. ACTUALLY, THE
GIRLS ARE DEPRESSED NOW, TOO.
BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, NOTHING
CAN BRING DOWN A PARTY FASTER
THAN A WET GIRL
TELLING SAD STORIES.
GREAT. MY CAREER IS OVER.
YEAH, I WANTED TO PUT MY ARM
AROUND HER AND COMFORT HER,
BUT SHE TOLD ME IT
WOULD ME COST $10.
IT MADE ME ASHAMED TO BE A MAN.
ANYBODY, UH, GOT
CHANGE FOR A $50?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS BRIS
SHOW ON THE ROAD. CHOP, CHOP.
OOH, SORRY. WRONG
CHOICE OF WORDS.
REBECCA, WOULD YOU OBJECT
IF WE USED YOUR POOLROOM?
WHY NOT?
THE PARTY'S DEAD.
MY CAREER IS DEAD.
I'M THINKING OF LETTING
WOODY HIDE MY PANTS.
THANK YOU.
YOU CAN, UH, YOU CAN
ACTUALLY DO A BRIS IN A BAR?
OH, YES, I'VE PERFORMED THE
CEREMONY IN MANY PLACES.
GRANTED, A BAR'S
A LITTLE IRREGULAR,
BUT, UH, I MUST SAY, IT'S A LOT CHEERIER
THAN THE BERNSTEINS' REC ROOM.
MAY I ASK WHAT, UH,
CHANGED YOUR MIND?
WELL, FRASIER AND
I HAD A LONG TALK,
AND WE BOTH AGREE THAT FREDERICK
WOULD HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE
EVEN IF THE CIRCUMCISION
TOOK PLACE IN THE HOSPITAL,
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BEING WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO
GO THROUGH THE TRAUMA
OF SEEING IT HAPPEN.
NOW WE REALIZE THAT'S SELFISH.
IT'LL BE MUCH
EASIER ON FREDERICK
IF WE'RE HERE TO
COMFORT AND SUPPORT HIM.
THEREFORE, WE'VE DECIDED TO
GO THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY.
DON'T TOUCH MY BABY!
GOT THAT OUT OF MY
SYSTEM. NOW WE CAN PROCEED.
GREAT. I DID IT!
EDDIE'S GONNA BE
HONORED AFTER ALL.
OH, TERRIFIC. SO THE BRUINS
ARE RETIRING HIS NUMBER?
NO, NO, THE BRUINS
CONVINCED ME THAT
EDDIE WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH
PLAYER FOR THAT KIND OF AN HONOR.
BUT THEY OFFERED
ME SEASON TICKETS
IF I LEAVE THEM ALONE, WHICH WAS PRETTY
MUCH WHAT I WAS AFTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YEAH, WAIT TILL I TELL THE KIDS.
MAYBE NOW THEY'LL RESPECT HIM.
MISS HOWE, MAY I
SEE YOU, PLEASE?
YES.
MISS HOWE,
THAT WAS THE
STRANGEST GET-TOGETHER
I'VE EVER ATTENDED.
I AM SO SORRY, SIR.
ORDINARILY, I'D BE
VERY UPSET, BUT IT...
IT ALL SEEMS TO HAVE
WORKED OUT FAIRLY WELL.
IT DID? YES.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, LARRY,
IS FINALLY GOING
TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE
A HOT PINK WEDDING.
BOY, IT'LL BE GOOD NOT HAVING THAT
SORRY BUTT AROUND THE HOUSE ANYMORE.
NORM, I'M GLAD WE
WENT TO THE CEREMONY.
ME, TOO, CLIFFIE. I'M KIND OF
PROUD OF MYSELF, YOU KNOW?
FIGURE IF I COULD
EAT THROUGH THAT,
I COULD EAT THROUGH ANYTHING.
IT'S OK, BABY.
[baby whimpering]
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
(Frasier) IT'S OK, BABY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
SAY, YOU KNOW,
[whimpering] WHAT DO YOU
SAY NEXT TIME WE HAVE A GIRL?
BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
MY GRANDMOTHER CLEANED OUT
HER ATTIC. GUESS WHAT SHE FOUND?
YOUR GRANDFATHER?
NO. HE DOESN'T GO IN THE ATTIC.
IT'S A MEMORY QUILT
THAT ALL THE WOMEN
IN MY FAMILY MADE FOR ME WHEN
I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH, I'VE HEARD
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
LOTS OF WOMEN GET TOGETHER
AND EMBROIDER PATCHES THAT
ILLUSTRATE THE HAPPY MEMORIES
OF A YOUNG MAN'S LIFE.
SO THESE WOMEN WERE, WHAT,
AUTHENTIC FOLK ARTISTS THEN, HUH?
NO, JUST BORED HOUSEWIVES.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
SEE THIS SOFT LITTLE
SQUARE HERE? YEAH.
THIS IS A PIECE OF MY
VERY FIRST BABY BLANKET.
NOW, UH, WHAT DO THOSE
LITTLE DOTS SIGNIFY?
WELL, THAT REPRESENTS MY VERY
FIRST CHILDHOOD DISEASE, SMALLPOX.
I ALMOST DIED.
WELL, WHAT'S THAT, UH,
LONG GREEN THING THERE?
OH, UH, THIS IS THE BEANSTALK
FROM MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL PLAY.
I FELL OFF OF IT
IN THE FIRST ACT,
CRACKED 2 RIBS AND
PUNCTURED A LUNG.
I ALMOST DIED.
OH, THIS RED PATCH HERE
REPRESENTS THE BIG FIRE
THAT BURNED DOWN
MY HOUSE WHEN I WAS 6.
AND WHAT, YOU ALMOST DIED?
NO, I GOT OUT.
BUT WHILE I WAS RUNNING
AWAY, I FELL IN THIS WELL,
RIGHT HERE AND I ALMOST...
WELL, YOU KNOW.
♪ MAKING YOUR WAY
IN THE WORLD TODAY ♪
♪ TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT ♪
♪ TAKING A BREAK FROM
ALL YOUR WORRIES ♪
♪ SURE WOULD HELP A LOT ♪
♪ WOULDN'T YOU
LIKE TO GET AWAY ♪
♪ SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO ♪
♪ WHERE EVERYBODY
KNOWS YOUR NAME ♪
♪ AND THEY'RE ALWAYS
GLAD YOU CAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA BE
WHERE YOU CAN SEE ♪
♪ OUR TROUBLES
ARE ALL THE SAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA BE WHERE
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA GO
WHERE PEOPLE KNOW ♪
♪ PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME ♪
♪ YOU WANNA GO WHERE
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME ♪
OK, EVERYBODY, I
GOT A PETITION HERE
I WANT YOU ALL TO SIGN.
CLAVIN, YOU FIRST.
HUH? NO, NO, CARLA,
I'M VERY PARTICULAR
ABOUT WHERE I PUT
MY JOHN HANCOCK.
IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS
IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS,
YOUR JOHN HANCOCK IS
GONNA BE A BETSY ROSS.
RIGHT ABOUT HERE, YOU SAY?
UH, NOT THAT I'M QUESTIONING
YOU, OR ANYTHING SWEETHEART,
BUT WHAT ARE WE SIGNING HERE?
WELL, YOU NOW, WHEN
EDDIE PASSED AWAY, UH,
I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING
SPECIAL FOR HIM SO
I STARTED THIS PETITION TO GET
THE BRUINS TO RETIRE HIS NUMBER,
KIND OF LIKE A MEMORIAL.
YEAH, THAT WILL SHOW HIM THAT
PEOPLE OF BOSTON WON'T FORGET OLD...
OLD... WHAT THE
HELL'S HIS NUMBER?
38.38. OH, NO, NO.
NO, NO, 38 WILL NOT WORK.
THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR GUY
ON THE TEAM, ONE OF THE TOP SCORERS.
IS HE DEAD?
ALL RIGHT, EDDIE'S
GOT HIM THERE, I GUESS.
DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT I GOT TO GET
MORE NAMES, EVERYBODY!
YOU GUYS OVER HERE, YOU
WANT TO SIGN A PETITION
TO COMMEMORATE EDDIE LEBEC?
OH, SURE.
WELL DESERVED, TOO. THANK YOU.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND
HERE HAS SOME RESPECT.
WHO'S EDDIE LEBEC? YOU REMEMBER.
HE'S THAT CARTOON SKUNK.
WHO ALWAYS... ALWAYS
FELL IN LOVE WITH BLACK CATS
THAT HAD CRAWLED UNDER
FRESHLY PAINTED FENCES.
OH, YEAH.
IS HE DEAD?
YEAH, JUST SIGN.
[mumbling]
WHY...
WHY ME?
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT, OR DO YOU WANT TO WHINE?
I GUESS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO. WE CAN'T DO BOTH.
CORPORATE WANTS ME TO THROW
SOME IDIOTIC, STUPID RETIREMENT PARTY
FOR SOME INSIGNIFICANT
MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT NOBODY.
YOU'RE RETIRING?
CONGRATULATIONS!
I WISH. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I WAS
THROUGH WITH THIS SORT OF CRAP.
CORPORATE HASN'T
BOTHERED ME FOR MONTHS NOW.
IN FACT, I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM
THOSE PEOPLE IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.
HEY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY HAVE SOMEBODY
ELSE DOING THIS STUFF, DO YOU?
[gasps] WHO'S MOVING
IN ON MY TURF?
I'M GONNA MAKE A FEW CALLS.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
IT'S CRANES A TROIS.
LOOK WHO'S MAKING HIS
FIRST TRIP TO THE BIG BAR.
OOH, SHOW EVERYBODY
HIS LITTLE FAKE I.D., HON.
FRASIER, PLEASE.
OH, I'M JUST
HAVING A LITTLE FUN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE TAPPED INTO A WHOLE
NEW VEIN OF HUMOR WITH THIS BABY THING.
FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY BABIES
DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ANSWER: NONE!
BABIES DON'T HAVE THE MOTOR SKILLS OR THE
DEPTH PERCEPTION TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.
THAT ONE DOES GET ME.
HE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT
THAN HE DID IN THE HOSPITAL.
YES, I KNOW. YOU KNOW
THE DAYS FLEE SO QUICKLY.
IF ONLY WE HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT TO
CAPTURE THOSE EARLY DAYS OF INNOCENCE,
BUT NOW, THEY'RE GONE FOREVER.
HOW OLD IS HE NOW? ABOUT A WEEK.
SAY, DID HIS BELLYBUTTON
FALL OFF YET?
ANY DAY NOW.
WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN THE
UMBILICAL CORD IS SEVERED,
THE REMAINING UMBILICUS STAYS
ATTACHED TO THE NAVAL FOR SEVERAL DAYS,
DURING WHICH TIME IT,
UH, COMES TO RESEMBLE
A SORT OF SHRIVELED,
WEEK-OLD BANANA.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY FUNNY YOU
USE THAT ANALOGY BECAUSE THE, UH,
HUMAN UMBILICAL CORD IF
MEMORY SERVES IS 90% POTASSIUM.
STAY AWAY FROM THE
BABY, WILL YOU, CLIFF?
YOU GOT A NAME FOR HIM YET?
FREDERICK. HEY, ALL RIGHT!
FRED FREDDY, THE FREDDER MAN!
FREDERICK.
THAT, UH, THAT'S QUITE
A RIG YOU GOT THERE.
ISN'T IT MARVELOUS?
THIS IS A NATIVE REBOZO USED
BY THE PEASANT WOMEN OF MEXICO
TO KEEP THE BABY CLOSE AND WARM AND
ENABLE IT TO FEEL THE MOTHER'S HEARTBEAT.
HOW MUCH DOES SOMETHING
LIKE THAT RUN YOU?
OH, JUST A FEW PALTRY
PESOS IN MEXICO.
OR $144 AT SAKS.
WELL, DADDY, WE SHOULD
RUN IF WE WANT TO PICK UP
THOSE DELI PLATTERS
BEFORE THE PARTY. RIGHT.
YOU ARE ALL COMING TO THE
BRIS THIS AFTERNOON, AREN'T YOU?
OH, YOU BET, WE WOULDN'T MISS
THAT BRIS DEAL FOR ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO US.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS RAISED
WITHOUT A RELIGIOUS TRADITION,
AND I'M DETERMINED MY SON
SHALL NOT BE SIMILARLY DEPRIVED.
I'M SO GRATEFUL TO LILITH
AND HER JEWISH FAITH
FOR PROVIDING FREDERICK
A HERITAGE OF SPIRITUALITY.
YOU KNOW, AND THE CEREMONY
PROMISES TO BE QUITE ENLIGHTENING, TOO.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL IT'S NOT EVERYDAY
YOU'RE RITUALLY CIRCUMCISED.
WHAT?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT A BRIS IS.
YES. IT'S THE RELIGIOUS CEREMONY
WHERE THE... THE BABY IS CIRCUMCISED.
OH, THE BABY!
LOOK, EDDIE WASN'T JUST ANY
HOCKEY PLAYER. HE WAS A LEGEND.
HE REPRESENTS THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO!
OK, FINE!
BOY, ONE OF THESE DAYS
I'M GONNA KILL MY MOTHER.
HEY, ARE THOSE LOSERS
FROM CORPORATE HERE YET?
JUST YOU.
WHAT IS THAT?
OH, I NEEDED SOME REFRESHMENTS
FOR THE RETIREMENT PARTY, SO,
I GOT THIS DAY-OLD PLATTER
OF SEAFOOD FROM MELVILLE'S.
OH, THE SHRIMP IS SLITHERING
OFF THE TOOTHPICKS.
[groans] WELL, DON'T JUST STAND
THERE. GET ME A HOT GLUE GUN.
SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK? I
THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THE BABY'S BRIS.
WELL, I WANTED TO.
YOU EVER TRY TO FIND A DATE
FOR ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
DON'T YOU THINK THAT FRASIER AND LILITH
ARE GONNA BE INSULTED IF YOU'RE NOT THERE?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT A MOB
SCENE THOSE CIRCUMCISIONS ARE.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA
MISS ONE LITTLE PERSON.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS GONNA GO,
BUT I DIDN'T... YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT
OF RENTING A TUXEDO AND EVERYTHING...
IT WASN'T FORMAL. YOU DIDN'T
NEED TO RENT A TUXEDO. NO?
GREAT, THEN I CAN AFFORD
A FEW MORE ROUNDS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, THIS IS
A VERY IMPORTANT OCCASION
FOR THE CRANES. SOMEBODY
SHOULD GO THERE FROM CHEERS.
WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?
I HAVE A PERFECT EXCUSE.
I HAVE TO ENTERTAIN A
BUNCH OF DEADHEADS.
WELL, WE'RE HERE.
START, UH, JUGGLING.
UH, WE'RE HERE FOR
MY RETIREMENT PARTY.
OH, YES, YES, YES,
EVERYTHING'S SET UP IN THE BACK.
COME ON.
COME ON. SHAKE
'EM, DON'T DAWDLE.
I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE
TO RETIRE, I'M ONLY 65.
I'VE GOT 10 OR 15 MORE
GOOD YEARS IN ME.
THE SEAFOOD WILL
TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HEY. SAM AND
MR. PETERSON ARE HERE.
[exclaims] YOU DIDN'T GO EITHER?
WELL, IT'S NOT
OUR FAULT. I MEAN...
WE LOOKED AND LOOKED FOR A
PLACE TO PARK. JUST COULDN'T FIND ONE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE
LOOKED NEAR THEIR HOUSE
INSTEAD OF JUST
AROUND THE BALL PARK.
SO YOU GUYS ALL
CHICKENED OUT, HUH?
CARLA, YOU'RE A WOMAN. YOU
COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.
WHAT, YOU'RE A
BUNCH OF WUSSY WIMPS
WHO COULDN'T EVEN GO
TO A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY
THAT INVOLVED A LITTLE PAIN
THAT WASN'T EVEN YOUR OWN?
OH, THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
UH, YEAH, THIS IS
NOTHING ANYWAY.
THE ORIGINAL RITES OF
PASSAGE, UH, STARTED
WITH THE JUNGLE
TRIBES DOWN IN BORNEO.
YEAH? WHEN YOUNG
JUNGLE TRIBAL LAD
WAS, UH, ON THE BRINK OF PUBERTY,
THEY'D BRING HIM FORWARD AND, UH,
TAKE OUT THIS LARGE,
SHARPENED CLAMSHELL...
OH, NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME.
THEY WOULD, UH, FILL IT WITH DIP, PASS
IT AROUND WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
OH. THEN THEY'D TAKE
THESE 2 BIG JAGGED ROCKS...
NO, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF, CLIFF.
BANG THEM TOGETHER TO CALL
THE TRIBES OUT OF THE HILLS.
YOU KNOW, THEN THE, UH,
WITCHDOCTOR STEPPED UP
WITH THIS LONG,
SHARPENED BAMBOO STAFF...
OH, HERE IT COMES.
SHOVED IT INTO THE GROUND
AND HUNG A FLAG ON IT.
THEN THEY DANCED AROUND IT
PRETTY MUCH TILL THEY DROPPED REALLY.
WAIT. W-W-WHEN DO
THEY CIRCUMCISE THE KID?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CIRCUMCISE?
THERE ARE NO JEWS IN
BORNEO, YOU MULYAK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS...
I FEEL ASHAMED. I MEAN, LILITH AND
FRASIER ARE OUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?
WE SHOULD BE THERE.
SAMMY'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN A MAN
HAS TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED.
NOW, THEY WILL HAVE THOSE
REALLY BIG PICKLES, WON'T THEY?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M WITH YOU, SAMMY.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW,
FRASIER'S OUR PAL.
YOU KNOW, IF HE'S MAN ENOUGH
TO DO THIS, THEN WE SHOULD BE.
THERE YOU GO. COME ON.
THE BRIS IS OFF. I'VE
KIDNAPPED MY SON.
YOU KIDNAPPED HIM?
WHAT ABOUT THE BRIS?
SAM, I JUST COULDN'T
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I MEAN, I... YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO.
TRADITION AND LILITH AND ALL THAT,
BUT, MY GOD, I'M THE... I'M THE
BOY'S FATHER. AND THAT GUY WAS
ABOUT TO GIVE MY SON
ONE HELL OF A BOO-BOO.
I ASSURE YOU, FREDERICK,
THIS WON'T HAPPEN EVERY TIME
WE HAVE PEOPLE OVER TO THE HOUSE.
WHAT, UH,
SO WHAT DID THE LITTLE WOMAN
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS?
OH, MY GOD, LILITH.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LOOKED BACK AFTER
I ELBOWED HER INTO THE CHOPPED LIVER.
FRASIER, AS A MARRIED MAN, I
THINK I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
YOU GO BACK, YOU TALK
TO HER, YOU IRON THIS OUT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD
HAPPEN? I MEAN, SHE CAN'T KILL YOU.
YOU WERE DEAD THE
MOMENT YOU SAID, "I DO."
YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD GO BACK.
BUT I'D BE SO EMBARRASSED.
I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU GO
BACK TO A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE
THAT THINK YOU'RE A TOTAL IDIOT?
I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO IT, CLIFF?
WELL, I DON'T REALLY
LIKE TO DIVULGE...
HEY!
COME HERE, COME HERE, LISTEN,
LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT YOU'D TELL ME
IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS. FIRST
YOU'D SAY LOTS OF GOBBLEDYGOOK
THAT NO ONE COULD
UNDERSTAND BUT THEN YOU'D
GET ME TO GO BACK
THERE AND FACE THE MUSIC.
ADMIT THE TRUTH.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, SAM.
CONFRONTING ONE'S FEARS IS 1 OF 5
WAYS TO RESOLVE AN INNER CONFLICT.
OF COURSE THE OTHER 4 BEING...
GOD, AREN'T I POMPOUS ASS?
NO, YOU'RE NOT POMPOUS.
LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WE'RE ALL GONNA GO
BACK THERE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT. REALLY?
YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ME?
YOU BET. OH, GREAT. YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT, GUYS. I WAS KIND OF
PANICKED THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES,
BUT I'M READY TO ATONE NOW, AND START
BEHAVING LIKE A RATIONAL AND GOOD PARENT.
OOPS.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU.
CARLA, HOW'S YOUR
PETITION COMING?
WELL, IT WAS A
LITTLE SLOW AT FIRST,
BUT SINCE I STARTED FORGING PEOPLE'S
SIGNATURES, IT'S GONE A LOT FASTER.
THAT'S NICE. YOU KNOW,
I NEVER DID SIGN THAT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DID.
REALLY?
I WORKED YOU IN RIGHT HERE
BETWEEN TOM CRUISE AND MEL GIBSON.
OOH, FORGE ME AGAIN.
HOW'S IT GOING, LARRY?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ROASTED
BY 7 PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW?
ALL THOSE FUNNY,
INSULTING TOASTS.
I CAME OUT TO PREPARE
MY HILARIOUS REBUTTAL.
SO FAR, ALL I CAN THINK OF IS,
"SHUT UP. YOU'RE
HURTING MY FEELINGS."
[laughing]
I GOT A GRANGE
REUNION COMING UP.
CAN I STEAL THAT?
MAYBE I OUGHT TO JUST...
JUST MOON THEM ALL
AND BE DONE WITH IT.
NO, I'D BETTER NOT.
25 YEARS OF SITTING BEHIND
A DESK FOR THAT COMPANY,
I HAVE A PRETTY SORRY
EXCUSE FOR A BUTT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING ELSE, JUST HOLLER.
WHAT A LOSER.
HE'S NOT KIDDING
ABOUT THAT BUTT, EITHER.
WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY.
THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE
LAST PARTIES HE'LL EVER HAVE,
AND HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
HE'S HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
WE SHOULD LIVEN IT UP.
I'M GREAT AT PARTIES.
BACK IN HANOVER, I INVENTED
THE GAME "HIDE BOB'S PANTS."
BOY, EVERYONE LOVED THAT GAME.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR BOB.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, FRASIER. YOU
THROUGH WITH THE BRIS?
YES, YES, YES.
MY SON IS HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND
NOWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF THIS BAR.
OUCH!
SAY, UH, JUST OUT OF
CURIOSITY, YOU KNOW,
IS ANYBODY IN THE BAR
HAPPEN TO BE LACTATING
AND IN NEED OF SOME QUICK CASH?
WELL, IF SO, JUST, UH,
MEET ME IN THE OFFICE.
OUCH! DAMN IT, FREDERICK,
GIVE IT UP. IT'S JUST
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK HE'S GOT THE
BABY UNDER THAT COAT.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT, WOODY?
OH, IT'S THE SAME BASIC
PREMISE AS "HIDE BOB'S PANTS."
OH, MY GOD, IT'S MR. SHERIDAN.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
WHO'S HE, ANOTHER DEADHEAD?
NO. HE'S THE EXECUTIVE
VICE PRESIDENT
IN CHARGE OF EAST COAST
MARKETING, RESEARCH, AND SALES.
HE'S THE WHAT?
HE'S THE HEAD DEADHEAD.
MR. SHERIDAN, WHAT A SURPRISE!
MISS HOWE, YOU'RE
LOOKING VERY WELL.
THANK YOU AND TO WHAT
DO I OWE THIS HONOR?
WELL, I'M HERE
FOR LARRY'S PARTY.
YOU KNOW LARRY?
OH, YES, HE'S A DEAR OLD FRIEND
AND MY WIFE'S YOUNGER BROTHER.
IS YOUR WIFE COMING?
NO. I'M AFRAID
SHE'S PASSED AWAY.
OH, THEN YOU'RE STAG?
UH, I... I DIDN'T EXPECT TO
SEE YOU AT THIS PARTY, SIR.
OH, I REMEMBER WHAT
WONDERFUL SHINDIGS YOU THROW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I RECOMMENDED
YOU FOR LARRY'S FAREWELL.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT FUN
AND EXCITEMENT YOU'VE PLANNED.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, UH, THE
REAL SURPRISES HAVEN'T COME YET.
OH, GOOD, THEN I
HAVEN'T MISSED ANYTHING.
THAT'S SAFE TO SAY.
NOW THOSE PANTS I COULD HIDE.
NOW I HAVE TO PLAN SOMETHING
EXCITING FOR THESE PEOPLE!
FRASIER?
FRASIER? WH-WHERE IS HE?
WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?
WHERE'S MY BABY?
WHERE'S MY BEER?
THEY'RE IN THE OFFICE.
DR. LEVINSON, FRIENDS,
PLEASE, JUST HAVE A SEAT.
I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE
WHILE I REASON WITH HIM.
WIFE TO HUSBAND.
SCIENTIST TO SCIENTIST.
FRASIER, HAVE YOU GONE
COMPLETELY MESHUGANA?
SAM, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHAT?
MR. SHERIDAN, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS
HERE AND HE EXPECTS A TERRIFIC PARTY.
NOW I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING,
THINK OF SOMETHING FANTASTIC.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S YOUR PARTY. Y-YOU
THINK OF SOMETHING.
YEAH, RIGHT. WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
GO BACK THERE, STRIP NAKED,
AND GYRATE TO FUNKY COLD MEDINA?
WE COULD HELP YOU
REHEARSE IF YOU WANT.
I'M BEING NUTS. I GOTTA
THINK OF SOMETHING CLASSY.
YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE SOX
DID AT OUR REUNION WE HAD ONCE.
DIDN'T HURT A BIT.
WHAT WAS THAT?
WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. EXCUSE ME?
ALL RIGHT, IT WASN'T A CONTEST, IT
WAS FIXED, BUT WE STILL HAD A LOT OF FUN.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T JUST
RUSTLE UP A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST
AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
SURE YOU DO. IT'S JUST
LIKE ORDERING A PIZZA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK
I HAVE THE 800 NUMBER HERE.
HERE YOU GO.
"FULFILLING YOUR WET
T-SHIRT NEEDS SINCE 1988."
NO, SAM, I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU CALL
AND ARRANGE A
WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
IT EXPLOITS WOMEN.
WHAT, YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?
I'LL CALL.
WHAT ABOUT EXPLOITING WOMEN?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN A
MAN DOES IT, IT'S EXPLOITATION.
WHEN A WOMAN DOES
IT, IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
HI!
IS THIS JIGGLY PARTY QUEENS?
WELL, FRASIER, YOU'VE BEEN IN
THERE QUITE A WHILE. HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL, IT SHOULDN'T
BE MUCH LONGER.
IT'S ALMOST MY TURN TO TALK.
SO HOW DO YOU THINK
THE PARTY'S GOING?
IT'S TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, IF THOSE KITTENS WITH
THEIR CROPPED TOPS AND SELTZER BOTTLES
CAN'T LIVEN THINGS
UP, THEN DARN IT,
MEN AREN'T JUST AS DEPRAVED
AS I THOUGHT THEY WERE.
HOW'S IT GOING? ARE THE
GIRLS CHEERING HIM UP?
WELL, NO. ACTUALLY, THE
GIRLS ARE DEPRESSED NOW, TOO.
BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, NOTHING
CAN BRING DOWN A PARTY FASTER
THAN A WET GIRL
TELLING SAD STORIES.
GREAT. MY CAREER IS OVER.
YEAH, I WANTED TO PUT MY ARM
AROUND HER AND COMFORT HER,
BUT SHE TOLD ME IT
WOULD ME COST $10.
IT MADE ME ASHAMED TO BE A MAN.
ANYBODY, UH, GOT
CHANGE FOR A $50?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS BRIS
SHOW ON THE ROAD. CHOP, CHOP.
OOH, SORRY. WRONG
CHOICE OF WORDS.
REBECCA, WOULD YOU OBJECT
IF WE USED YOUR POOLROOM?
WHY NOT?
THE PARTY'S DEAD.
MY CAREER IS DEAD.
I'M THINKING OF LETTING
WOODY HIDE MY PANTS.
THANK YOU.
YOU CAN, UH, YOU CAN
ACTUALLY DO A BRIS IN A BAR?
OH, YES, I'VE PERFORMED THE
CEREMONY IN MANY PLACES.
GRANTED, A BAR'S
A LITTLE IRREGULAR,
BUT, UH, I MUST SAY, IT'S A LOT CHEERIER
THAN THE BERNSTEINS' REC ROOM.
MAY I ASK WHAT, UH,
CHANGED YOUR MIND?
WELL, FRASIER AND
I HAD A LONG TALK,
AND WE BOTH AGREE THAT FREDERICK
WOULD HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE
EVEN IF THE CIRCUMCISION
TOOK PLACE IN THE HOSPITAL,
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BEING WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO
GO THROUGH THE TRAUMA
OF SEEING IT HAPPEN.
NOW WE REALIZE THAT'S SELFISH.
IT'LL BE MUCH
EASIER ON FREDERICK
IF WE'RE HERE TO
COMFORT AND SUPPORT HIM.
THEREFORE, WE'VE DECIDED TO
GO THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY.
DON'T TOUCH MY BABY!
GOT THAT OUT OF MY
SYSTEM. NOW WE CAN PROCEED.
GREAT. I DID IT!
EDDIE'S GONNA BE
HONORED AFTER ALL.
OH, TERRIFIC. SO THE BRUINS
ARE RETIRING HIS NUMBER?
NO, NO, THE BRUINS
CONVINCED ME THAT
EDDIE WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH
PLAYER FOR THAT KIND OF AN HONOR.
BUT THEY OFFERED
ME SEASON TICKETS
IF I LEAVE THEM ALONE, WHICH WAS PRETTY
MUCH WHAT I WAS AFTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YEAH, WAIT TILL I TELL THE KIDS.
MAYBE NOW THEY'LL RESPECT HIM.
MISS HOWE, MAY I
SEE YOU, PLEASE?
YES.
MISS HOWE,
THAT WAS THE
STRANGEST GET-TOGETHER
I'VE EVER ATTENDED.
I AM SO SORRY, SIR.
ORDINARILY, I'D BE
VERY UPSET, BUT IT...
IT ALL SEEMS TO HAVE
WORKED OUT FAIRLY WELL.
IT DID? YES.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, LARRY,
IS FINALLY GOING
TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE
A HOT PINK WEDDING.
BOY, IT'LL BE GOOD NOT HAVING THAT
SORRY BUTT AROUND THE HOUSE ANYMORE.
NORM, I'M GLAD WE
WENT TO THE CEREMONY.
ME, TOO, CLIFFIE. I'M KIND OF
PROUD OF MYSELF, YOU KNOW?
FIGURE IF I COULD
EAT THROUGH THAT,
I COULD EAT THROUGH ANYTHING.
IT'S OK, BABY.
[baby whimpering]
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
(Frasier) IT'S OK, BABY.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
SAY, YOU KNOW,
[whimpering] WHAT DO YOU
SAY NEXT TIME WE HAVE A GIRL?