Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 10 - The Art of the Steal - full transcript

FRASIER: "Cheers" is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hey, Normy, watch my wallet,
will you?

I got to go see
a man about a horse.

Look at this!

Pumpkin seeds
are up to 9 cents a pound!

This world is going crazy.

Yeah, I know what you
mean, wood.

The dollar ain't worth
what it used to be.

I don't understand. How can a
dollar be worth less than a dollar?

Well, perhaps I can illustrate

using one of Cliff's bills here.



Ah!

Think of this, Woody,

as the 1975 dollar, OK?

It's probably been in
that wallet since 1975.

Now, taking account
of inflation, OK,

the high cost of living,

increased dollars
in circulation,

increased buying power

of that pesky yen,

and all you have left is

a little bit of George
Washington's left eye.

Wait a minute, now.

Would the same thing
apply to, oh...

Say, a 20 dollar Bill?



Ah, macroeconomics.
Yeah, perhaps.

We'll just try it and see...

The same principles.

OK, inflation...
Uh-huh.

Cost of living...

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

I just don't get
this inflation stuff.

All right, Woody.
Once again,

think of this beer as
the 1975 dollar, OK?

Now it's a 1980 dollar.

Fill it up, I'll take you
through the Reagan years.

All right. You might as well forget
it, Mr. Peterson. I'm just not getting it.

Woody, I am willing
to sit here all night

if that's what it takes, buddy.

Sorry I'm late.

I just got back from my stylist.

Well, gee, Sam, your hair
doesn't look any different.

Uh, no. This was just
for an estimate.

I'm thinking of doing
a body wave.

My insurance company
wants me to go

to three different places.

Sam, you... you have
hair insurance?

Yeah. What, like I'm gonna

just walk around
with fire and theft?

Got to get some more pretzels
for the bar.

I don't know if my phone
is working right or not.

Have I had any calls?

Yeah, Robin called.

He did?

Yeah, about three weeks
ago. Don't you remember?

Carla, do you think Robin's
losing interest in me?

No, but I am.

Wait.
Come here, please.

Sit down.
This is important.

Now, look. I know my
relationship with Robin

got off to a flying start,

but recently, I think that
maybe he's finding me boring.

Now, how could that be?

You're dull.

I am only dull on the outside.

On the inside, I am a
seething cauldron of fun.

All I have to do
is find something

that will make Robin
sit up and take notice of me,

something that will
make him realize

what a special person
I really am.

Have you gone to bed
with him yet?

No...

That's always been a
good icebreaker for me.

Wait. Wait.
Now, look.

I did not go to bed
with Robin on the first date

because I was out of practice.

I thought I'd be rotten,
and he'd dump me.

And on the second date,
I didn't go to bed with him

because I thought
he respected me

for not going to bed
with him on the first date.

And then, by the third date,

it was already an old habit.

All right. Now I'm going out with
him my fourth time, and frankly...

I'm hot to trot.

So?

So? He's coming
in town tonight,

I haven't seen him for a
month, and I don't know...

You know,
I really need some help here.

Now, you've got a
reputation of being uninhibited,

lowdown, dirty,

perverted...

You should have know me
when I was a real slut.

Let me ask you a question.

What is the wildest thing
you ever did

to really get a guy's attention?

Well, now...

Let me see.

There was the time I was making
love to a guy on a carrousel.

Where?
An amusement park?

No, LaGuardia Airport.

Want to give it a try?

I don't know...

You're getting dull on me again.

I've just been so darn
dull for so darn long.

Wait a minute. Whoa!
What do you think about this?

You're going to like this one.

He comes in tonight,

I sneak into his apartment,

I put on some nice soft music,

I chill some champagne,

he walks through the door,

and I greet him.

Whoa-ho. What an idea.

Way to go, Rebecca!

Thank you.

♪ Dull de dull, dull dull ♪

economics is so complicated.

Woody, I could sit here

and try to discuss the
principles of economics with you

till I'm blue in the face,

but I've always found
that nothing

will explain the process quicker

than a simple game of monopoly.

Anyone care to join me?

Monopoly, eh?

Yeah!

I don't know.

Well, Lilith's at
home with the baby,

they both seem
rather tired and cranky,

so I really ought to
get home by, uh...

Thursday.

All right.
I'm the banker.

No, no, no. I'm trying to
explain this to you, Woody.

I have to be the
banker, all right?

I'm always the banker.

No, no. I'm always
the banker, OK?

Look. If I can't be the
banker, I just won't play.

How's that?

Well, maybe I'll just go
get my own monopoly board

and play with my real friends.

Now, let's not be childish.

If Woody wants to be
the banker, let's let him be.

I mean, he can learn from
his own mistakes.

All right, all right. I'll
be the race car, though.

No, I am always the race car.

I'm the race car!

No, no, no.
Oh, really?

How well do you do this?

[IMITATING RACE CAR]

You can argue all you want,

but I'm not playing
unless I'm the thimble.

It's yours, Cliff.
OK. Well...

So Cliff's the thimble.
I'm the race car.

What do you want to be, Norm?

I'll be the lead pipe, I guess.

I don't remember
any lead pipe in monopoly,

or this Chinese checker,

or these Candyland children.

What is this?

Over the years, we've sort of
lost parts from the original game,

so we mix and match from others.

Well, all right.
Give me the dice.

All right.

Carla...

Everything's all set up.

You're going to
LaGuardia Airport? Great!

Use carrousel "D."
It's the bumpiest.

No. No, Carla, look.

I was talking to
Robin's valet Jonathan.

He kind of likes me.

Anyway, he said that he was
gonna chill some champagne

and he would
open the door for me,

so I could get in
Robin's apartment.

And then he'll disappear,

and I will greet Mr. Colcord
at the door

wearing nothing
but a skirt, a shirt,

my underwear,

and a smile.

All right, all right,
I'll get naked!

Now you're getting
the hang of it.

Thank you, Carla.
Thank you so much.

I'm buying reading railroad,

and I'm putting up a house.

Woody, you can't put a house
on railroad tracks.

Why not? My Uncle Jim
used to do it all the time

back in Hanover,

on these tracks
near where we lived.

I mean, it wasn't
a real house, though.

It was just a fake one
made of sticks and canvas.

Yeah. He used to hide
in the bushes

and take pictures
of the engineers screaming.

He was funny,

but he had a twisted side.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Cheers.

Oh, hello, Mr. Colcord.

This is a bad connection.
Where are you calling from?

Hold on a second.

It's Richie Rich
calling from his airplane.

She's not here right now.
Can I take a message?

Aw, she'll be sorry
to hear that.

Yeah, I'll be sure to tell her.

You flying that plane
all by yourself?

Really? Watch out
for that telephone pole!

No, I know there are
no telephone poles

40,000 feet up.

That's what makes it funny.

200 million bucks.

Buy yourself a sense of humor.

Where is Rebecca, anyway?

She's waiting for Robin
at his apartment.

Oh.

Well, I guess I ought to...

Call her and tell her.

He's going to be
about three hours late.

Yeah. She said
she wanted to...

Surprise him by waiting
there for him buck naked.

Say, where's Sam off to?

He's off to a luxury apartment
to meet a naked woman.

Boy, that guy leads
a pretty exciting life

compared to us, huh?

Cliffy, compared to ours, a
tapeworm leads a pretty exciting life.

You know, I happen to be a bit
of an expert on tapeworms.

It all goes back to
my eighth grade science fair.

Everybody else had rabbits
and Guinea pigs.

I had a tapeworm.

Really?

Yeah, so I couldn't go.

Or was that a ringworm?

Check, please.

Uh...

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Me and parasites,
don't get me started.

Robin?

Uh-huh.

I'm on the couch in the den.

Hang a Louie at my undies.

I'm so glad I came.

Hey, I've had half a bottle
of champagne.

Now I'm standing in
front of the TV, naked.

What are you watching?

Aah!

Don't look at me!

Quick! Throw me
something!

Okey-dokey.

No!

Throw me something to wear!

Let's see here.

Here we go.

Give it to me.

Give it to me!
Give me that!

God, Sam,

what are you doing here?

You saw me standing
in front of the TV naked!

I just came to give you
a message.

Robin said he's going
to be a few hours late.

Get out of here. Get
out of here right now.

Damn, a Kodak moment,
and me without my camera.

You get out of here.

Whew! You are so cranky
when you're naked.

You are getting out
of here right now,

and you are getting out
of here right now.

What is with this elevator?

Honey, that's
the elevator button.

I don't know
what the hell this is.

Good evening,
Mr. Colcord.

The Triton Sonic 5000
security system

has now been activated.

Please step away
from all entry points.

Woo!

Oh, God, we'd better
go out the back!

Oh, my God. Let's
go out the way back!

Oh! Sam...

What are we going to do?

Uh...

I say we set the table.

What is with people nowadays?

When I was a kid, we used
to keep our doors unlocked

all the time.

Used to get ripped off a lot,

but at least we could get
out of the damn house.

This whole thing is your fault.

Hey, I wasn't the one who
pushed the stupid buttons.

Oh, yeah? Well, Robin is gonna
be back here in a couple of hours,

and what's he gonna do when he
sees the two of us together, huh?

It would have been
one thing if he saw

me standing naked
in front of the TV.

That would have been romantic.

What's he gonna do
when he comes back here

and he sees
the two of us together?

Boy, honey, this...

This is one of those
complicated situations.

I think what we ought to do

is go back in the bedroom,
take our clothes off,

and make hot, passionate love.

That is not going to help.

It's not going to hurt.

All right, fine.

I'll call the police.
They'll get us out.

We happen to be in
the apartment, illegally,

of one of the richest
men in the world.

Well, so he'll vouch for us.

Yes. He may vouch
for me

after he dumps me, laughs at me,

and never wants to see me again.

You, he will leave
rotting in jail,

where you and your
pretty boy features

will be traded nightly
for a pack of menthols.

Well, I hate to see you
get dumped.

There's just got to be
something around here

that either has a key

or a combination or... here it is.

Here it is, jackpot.

What do you got?
What do you got?

It's the alarm system manual.

Find out how to
turn the thing off.

OK, it's right here.

"To deactivate the Triton
5000 Sonic alarm system,"

"find the control
panel marked A,"

"and press 4-4-1-2..."

Great.

"For example.

"Of course, your code

"will be a special
personalized number

that you will choose
yourself."

So what did I just do?

Attention, attention, attention.

You have activated
the internal laser beam

motion detector.

What does that mean?

Ooh!

Oh, this is great.
It's just great.

I come over for a little action,

and I'm stuck in the
middle of star wars.

Give me that thing.

"Beams."

"Beams."

"If the beams are interrupted,

"there will be an armed response

"from this company,
the Boston Police,

and the FBI."

Oh, God, Sam.

Not only are we trapped in here,

but we can't even
move around in here,

or we'll set off
the alarm system.

Boy, I wish Cliff
and Norm were here.

Why?

They'd think this
was really cool.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

That is probably Robin's valet.

[RING]

It could be somebody that
can help us get out of here.

I've got to go for it.

Here, take this.

Give it to me.

Lower.
Lower.

Is this good?

Yeah, it's great.

[RING]

[RING]

Hello? Just a second.

It's for you, Sam.

Take a message.

May I say who's calling?

Oh, it's Carla. Carla!

God, you would
have been so proud of me!

I was standing
in front of the TV set naked...

Yeah, well, put it back on.

Your boyfriend just
called and said

he's not going to
make it tonight at all.

He's not getting back
into town until tomorrow.

Thank goodness.

So, uh, how are you
and Sammy getting along?

You're the one who told him
to come over here?

Carla, I am never gonna
confide in you again.

That's thanks enough.

Listen to me, Carla. Do
not blab this all over the bar,

but Sam and I are trapped

in Robin's high-security
apartment building,

and we can't get out.

Hold on a minute.

They're trapped in Robin's
high-security apartment building,

and they can't get out!

Carla, listen to me.
Listen to me.

Now, I want you
to tell me straight.

How good are your kids at
breaking and entering, anyway?

And do not brag about them
just because you're their Mother.

Well, that depends.

What kind of system are
we talking about here?

It's a Triton 5000 Sonic
with laser beams.

They're not that good.

But feel free to call if you're
ever trapped in a late model car.

They'll have you and the
radio out in 60 seconds.

Oh, damn.

Shoot!

That'll be $1,300

and your "Get out
of Jail Free" card.

Enjoy your stay at
Boyd's on Boardwalk.

Wait, Woody, I just
realized something.

Every time anybody deposited
any money in the bank,

you put it with your own.

Prove it, Peterson.

I don't believe it.

I have sat here for
the last five hours

watching each of you

lie, steal and cheat his way

to a small fortune

while I sit here with
$5.00, St. James Place,

and this stupid
picture of Uncle Wiggly.

You people have

no scruples or moral
standards whatsoever!

What was the purpose of
this game after all, anyway?

Just trying to teach Woody
the nature of economics.

Oh, well, then, bravo.

What am I gonna do, Sam?
I have blown this.

I have blown
the entire relationship.

Come on, take it easy.

You're off the hook
until morning.

Yeah, yeah.

That just gives me
more time to think about it,

how humiliated I'm gonna be

when Robin walks through that door
and finds me in here without permission,

lying on the floor
with a bartender

underneath a grid
of laser beams.

Oh, calm down.

Enjoy the light show.

You know what we could
do to take your mind off this?

Why don't I crawl over there,

and we could just talk?

You can crawl over here
if nothing on your body

touches anything on my body.

There is one good thing
about this whole deal...

Seeing you crawl on
your belly like a worm.

I am secure enough
of my masculinity

to accept that as a compliment.

This was going to be the most
fabulous night of my entire life.

Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.

I'm kind of enjoying myself.

I can't remember the last time

that I laid awake at night

just talking to somebody.

It must be back
when I was a kid,

sharing a bunk bed
with my brother.

You're trying to tell me

that with all those
thousands of women

you supposedly slept with,

you never stayed up
and talked to one of them?

What's to talk about?

I mean, a guy does all
his talking beforehand.

Heh heh!

So, like what did you and
your brother talk about?

Oh, you know, the usual things.

Comic books, movies, records,

all the babes we
were gonna score with

once we got our own room.

Did you ever share a
room with your sister?

Yeah, but I'll tell you one thing,
we didn't talk about stupid stuff

like you and your
brother talked about.

All right, what did you
talk about?

Dreams, aspirations,

the meaning of life.

In other words, boys.

You betcha.
Heh heh heh!

And then we'd do each
other's hair all different ways,

and then we'd dream about
owning a ranch

and a bunch of horses.

What is it with horses?

Why do girls get
all goopy over horses?

Oh, yeah, and like guys
are real rational about cars.

Hey, listen, you take
a '57 Chevy rag top,

and you park it right next
to some dumb spotted horse,

now, you tell me which one
you'd want to make out in.

That's a good point.
Mmm.

You know what?
It's sort of interesting.

Here you and I are,

you know, talking
to each other like this,

intimately,

and I can see that
we have our differences,

but basically,
you know, besides the fact

that you're a man
and I'm a woman,

I don't think
we're that different.

What do you think?

[SNORING]

I do like you better like this.

Man...

Not one split end.

What is this guy's secret?

Good night, Sam.

[BEEPING]

Someone's coming.
Hide.

Huh? Who is it,
your husband?

Sam, no. Wake up. Somebody's
coming! We have to hide!

What? Oh.

Here, here, here.

Let's get out of here
before she sees us.

Geez!

No, no!

Oh, right.

You look kind of sexy
when you first wake up.

Oh, thanks, Sam.

Sam, you're not gonna
tell the guys at the bar

some wild tales about what
happened last night, are you?

No, no, no, I'm gonna
tell them the absolute truth.

I walked in here,
found you buck naked,

spent the night
on the floor with you,

surrounded by colored lights.

All right. At least
tell them I was good.

I think I could sell that.

You know, Sam, I do have to say

that I am very proud of you.

Why?

Because we spent
the whole night together

and you didn't lay a hand on me.

I want to thank you for that.

I want to thank you
for being a gentleman.

Oh, you're welcome.
And I want to thank you.

For what?

For being such a sound sleeper.

You're welcome... hey...