Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 11 - Feeble Attraction - full transcript

CARLA: "Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

I'm telling you guys,

Davy Crockett was the
greatest American hero.

No question.

Come on! Man, he deserted
his wife and kids

and one of the worst absentee
records in the history congress.

Who's your hero?

Bambino. Babe Ruth.

Sultan of Swat.
Built Yankee Stadium.

Come on, stop, will ya? From
what I hear, the guy was a glutton,

a regular eating-
and-drinking machine.



Oh, who am I supposed to
pattern my life after... Gandhi?

All right, you want to talk
American heroes?

I'll give you numero Uno... the
only guy who should be on the list...

Mr. J. Edgar hoover.
What?

J. Edgar hoover was a paranoid,
right-wing, megalomaniac

who used his position to intimidate
presidents and congressmen

and smear anybody
who disagreed with him.

Can't poke any holes
in that guy, can you?

Let's face it, everybody.

In America in the 1990s,
there are no heroes anymore.

Hey, guys, I'd like you
to meet my date.

Oh, Sammy! Sammy!

Sammy, Sammy!

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy!



♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Oh, boy. Hey, everybody,
guess what.

I was reading
"the farmer's almanac."

Guess what.
This is an historical day.

This is the second coldest day
in the history of Boston. Yeah.

And don't you want to know

when the coldest day
in the history of Boston...

Woods, things are
pretty boring around here,

but I don't think we've quite
sunk that low yet, OK?

Guess what, you guys.

Robin Colcord
bought me a new desk.

So when was the coldest day
in the history of Boston, Wood?

Interestingly enough,

the coldest day in Boston's
history did not start out that way.

Yeah, it started out
relatively warm,

but then, by noon, the
temperature began to drop.

So, you got a new desk, huh?

Hey, Normie, you want to see where
the Flannigans'' dog almost bit me?

Well, congratulations, Cliff.

You have just won
the Boston Bore-Athon.

Mr. Clavin, how can you
be delivering mail

on the coldest day in
Boston's history except for one?

A very good question there,
young woodman.

It seems that like any member
of your camel family,

we Clavins have an extra...

No, wait. That's how I can go
without water for a week.

Whew! Boy,
is it cold out there!

Don't even try, Sam.
These people don't care.

Hey, it's the kind of day

you want to curl up in front of
a roaring fire with a good book.

Unfortunately, the one I been
working on is around here someplace.

Oh, here we go.

Let's see, where was I?
Tina! Tina.

Tina, two stars.

Two stars? That's not
very good, is it, Sammy?

You kidding?
It was great.

That's what she was
wearing, two stars.

Sammy, excuse me, do you
know how to spell courteous?

Yeah, Norm. Just as it sounds.
Then check it with Frasier.

I've got to write this letter
of recommendation for Doris.

Remember my secretary Doris?

Oh, yeah.
What, did she quit?

I have to let her go.

Business hasn't been going too
good since I decided to stop working.

Anyway, she's on her way over
here. I got to finish this puppy.

Well, what do you got
so far there?

I got... all right. "To whom
it may concern, Doris..."

And then there's this big middle
chunk that I'm still working on.

Then I close with, "and I hope
the Red Sox win the Pennant.

Norm Peterson."

That's how I end
all my correspondences.

Actually, Norm, you have to use
upbeat adjectives like, um...

Oh, hardworking,
loyal, professional...

Good.

Good, good, good.

How about prompt?

Ooh, prompt.
Cliffie, all right.

If I might make a suggestion, too,
why don't you write it on stationery

instead of a cocktail napkin?

Boy, you know, I bet
it was murder for Robin

to get that desk delivered
on a cold day like this.

Yeah, I bet there was only
one day in Boston's history

when it would've been harder
to get something delivered.

If you pretend like you're
interested in my desk,

I'll pretend like I'm
interest in your weather.

Deal, Miss Howe.

You know, interestingly enough,
the coldest day in Boston's history

did not start off that way.

Like, the barometric pressure
in the morning...

I'm sorry, Woody.
Wait.

I bit off more than I can chew.

All right, guys.

I think I got
a good start on this.

I open up with all that
courtesy crap,

and then I go,
"I'm sorry to let Doris go.

"No reflection on her.
She's a fine worker.

"And I'm sure she'll be
an asset to any company.

May the Red Sox..."
Yada-yada. Norm Peterson.

That's good.

Yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, there she is.

My God, he's going to fire
the Morton Salt girl.

Doris, hi.
Here you go.

Uh...
Just have a seat.

Thank you,
Mr. Peterson.

Well, you're welcome.

This is a very
nice place. Well...

I would offer to buy you a
drink, but I don't have any money.

Ah.

Do you know if they
accept a sears card? No, no.

It's OK, Doris.
Really.

Doris, I don't know
quite how to put this.

You've really been
a great secretary,

but I just can't afford

to keep you around any longer.

Oh, God, I'm fired.
I wish I was dead.

Doris, really, I'm very sorry.
It really hurts me to do this.

Oh, don't be sorry. The last thing I
want to do is make you feel guilty.

Working for you has been
the high point of my life.

Doris, all you ever did was sit
around my office and sharpen pencils.

Please, Mr. Peterson,
you're going to make me cry.

Anyway, um...

I've... I've written

a letter of
recommendation for you.

Go ahead and take that.

You can type it and give
it to me for my signature.

Oh, what the hell? Just go
ahead and forge my signature.

Mr. Peterson, I'm
overwhelmed. Well...

I don't know what to say.

What's there to say? I think
I've said it all there.

Oh, yes, you have.

And I want you to know
I love you, too, Mr. Peterson.

Prompt, courteous, Red Sox.

Doris, I...

You're reading something
into this, I think, you know?

It must've taken a lot of guts
to open up that way.

Doris, I didn't say anything.

I didn't mean to imply anything.

Well, then,
why would you lead me on?

I'm not leading you on, Doris.

You are a fine secretary.
A good employee.

That's end of story, OK?

Oh, I see.
Yeah.

Well, this is so embarrassing.

So very, very embarrassing.

If you'll excuse me,
I'll just go quietly.

Oh, no, Doris, please.

Now, you don't have to do that.

You don't want me to go?

No, I don't want you
to go quietly.

I mean, come on, think
about it. This is a bar.

You can make as much
noise as you like, OK?

Hey! Ho!
Come on! Hey!

Hey there!

I'll always remember
the way you looked

when you said that.

Norm, that was
a very hard thing to do

and an even harder thing
to watch.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

Isn't it gorgeous, everyone?

You know, I could have had
a desk like this once.

A beautiful antique,
real prestige piece.

Something to mirror
and dignify my status.

But I decided that that sort of
display was too ostentatious,

so I put the money into
pinstriping my Beamer.

Looks pretty sporty, too.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!
Norm!

Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack
Frost nipping at your nose?

Yeah. Now let's get Joe
Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Anybody seen Doris around here?

Oh, yeah. Little gal
with the Moe Howard haircut?

Bingo. Yeah.

Thought you got rid of her.

Sammy, I'm trying to.
I can't shake the girl.

I mean, I come in Cheers,
she's here.

I go upstairs to plug the
parking meter, she's there.

I come back in Cheers,
she's here.

Sammy, it's like somehow
she's figured out my whole routine.

Oh, Mr. Peterson.
I knew I'd find you here

when you weren't
at the parking meter.

Could I warm up
your seat for you?

It's OK, Doris.
It's never cold.

I love that about him.

Doris...

We have to get something
straight here, OK?

Yes, Mr. Peterson?

I am not interested in you, OK?

I'm not interested in
any woman except for my wife,

and I'm not even
interested in her.

She's a very lucky woman.

Doris, I really hate
that it's come to this,

but scram, OK?

If my scramming
would make you happy...

Doris, get a life for
Christmas, will you?

If my getting a life
would make you happy...

Doris, yes, it would. As
a matter of fact, it would.

Before I go,
Mr. Peterson,

could I sing "seasons
in the sun" to you?

Go, Doris.

♪ We had joy, we had fun ♪

♪ we had seasons in the sun... ♪

No, I mean go, Doris!
Go on, get out of here.

Go! Go on.

Could I please
just have my beer?

All right, but just guess. What was
the coldest day in the history of Boston?

Am I gonna have to
talk to the manager?

She don't know.

Hey, Woody, come here.
You got to listen to this.

All right, once again,
for our free trip to Hawaii,

be the first caller with the correct
answer, and the question is,

what was the coldest day
in the history of Boston?

Woody, go for it, man.
Here's your chance to win here.

No, I am not using my knowledge

for personal gain.

Then tell me.
I'll call them.

No. You weren't
interested before.

And I have a caller on the line.
Who am I speaking to, please?

Woody Boyd.

Mr. Boyd, what was the
coldest day in Boston's history?

You don't really care.
You're just like all the rest.

Woody, tell him.

All right. The coldest day in
Boston's history is January 12, 1981.

Mr. Boyd, you've won
our grand prize!

All right!

The winds were westerly at 20
miles per hour. You'll be staying...

Interestingly enough,
the coldest day

in Boston's history
did not start out that way.

Home of the world-famous
mahi-mahi burger.

The barometric pressure
was hovering...

Hey, weatherman, shut up!

Not till I'm finished.

Give me that.

He'll be right down
to pick up his prize.

What did I win, a t-shirt?

Woody, you're going to Hawaii.

I'm going to Hawaii?

It's not cold there, suckers!

Guys, guys.

Robin just faxed me

this message about the desk.

"Dear Rebecca,

"by now, you've received
your desk.

"You should know that
it has a hidden secret

"that's going to
make you very happy.

"But don't look for it,

"because I want to be there
to share the surprise.

"I will give you one hint.

"The key word is...

Ring."

It's a ring, Carla.

There is a ring
hidden in that desk.

Isn't that romantic?

My ex-husband
hid my engagement ring

in an X-rated soap on a rope.

He scrubbed me raw for
two hours before I found it.

Now, that's magic time.

God, what am I supposed to do?

I can't look for my ring
for two weeks?

All right. If that's
what Robin wants,

I will respect the man's wishes.

The important thing is
to stay out of his drawers,

which shouldn't be
too hard for you.

Want another one, Norm?

No, thanks, Sammy.

I'm going home.

I'm not feeling
too great, you know?

I just can't shake
the sight of Doris

staring at me and
undressing me with her eyes.

Now I want to go home.

Anyway, see you in
the morning, I guess.

Yeah, I may be a little late.

That's OK.
I had a key made.

NORM: Aah!

Aah!

Aah!
She's following me!

Make it stop!
Make it stop!

I'm sorry, Mr. Peterson. If
you don't want me to follow you,

I could walk in front of you,

but then you'd have to tell me
where you're going all the time.

Doris, how long have you
been out there?

I don't know. The crystal on
my watch cracked from the cold.

I would take it off, but I
think it's fused to my skin.

Doris, what am I
gonna do with you?

Do you want me to go back outside
and wait by the parking meter?

No. Just sit down,
will you?

Sammy, do you have any hot
chocolate or something like that?

Frasier, we have to talk.

Come on.

No, Norm, I'm sorry. What?

I have had it with giving out
this free psychological advice.

It's bad enough
I do it as a living.

I mean, I have to come to
the bar and do it here, too?

I'm not about to analyze
this poor, pitiful creature

who obviously is suffering
from a very low self-image

and finds in you a validation of her
sense of self in her own personality.

Damn it, I did it again!

So what you're saying is that

I basically appeal
to her desperate nature?

Clinically speaking,
she'd go for anything

that could lumber up to
her under its own power.

OK, now, how do I
get rid of her?

Well, try building up
her self-confidence.

If she feels better
about herself,

she'd be less inclined
to degrade herself

by going for the likes of you.

I mean no offense.

I mean, when I say,
"the likes of you,"

I don't mean you personally.

Just any unappealing,
go-nowhere loser.

So why should I take offense?

Good man.

Doris. I have no idea
why you're attracted

to such an unappealing,
go-nowhere loser as me.

Now, there are hundreds of...

I tell you, there's
thousands of guys

who'd be happy to be
involved with you.

Thousands?

Yes, dozens.

But the letter.

No, Doris, I didn't write
the damn letter, OK?

I mean, I wrote the part
about the Red Sox,

but the other guys,
they helped me with it.

Cliff wrote the word
"prompt," didn't you, Cliffie?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Wow. And you don't
even know me.

Although, maybe in a way,
you do.

Ooh, ooh. Red light.
Red light, Cliff.

Oh, what's the matter?

Frasier, come on,
tell him. Come on!

All right, but after this,
you're on the clock.

Cliff, you may think that
you're getting involved in

a nice conversation
with this girl,

but believe me,
she will read volumes

into everything you say and do.

Cliffie, it's like she's
a zombie love slave,

just willing to do anything to serve her
man. You understand what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah.
Crystal clear.

I got a live one. I don't
even have to buy her a drink.

Hey.

Carla, come here. There's a handle
loose on one of the desk drawers.

Do we have a screwdriver?

You can't fool me. You're just trying to
take that desk apart to look for your ring.

I am way above that. I would
not betray my man's trust.

You know, that handle
is really loose.

Do we have a crowbar?

You know, a postal carrier
is pretty much

the Indiana Jones
of your civil servants.

Just as Indy faces
off a pit of rattlesnakes

or a sewer full of rats,

I have to, daily, mind you, trade
wits with the Flannigans'' dog.

Oh, Cliff, when you
get out of the service,

could we go out together?

Well, uh, you know, Doris,
there's actually no rule

against mailmen dating women.

It just sort of
turns out that way.

How you doing there, Norm?

Uh, kind of at loose ends,
a little bit, you know?

Just feels strange not having

that sad, pathetic creature
following me around all time.

Doris kind of grew on you, huh?

Oh, no.
I meant Cliff.

Hi, guys.

Woody, what are you
doing in that stuff?

Man, where's your coat?
You must be freezing.

You're telling me.

Deejays made me dress up
in all this Hawaiian stuff

and take pictures
outside the radio station.

Then they locked me out
and kept all my clothes.

I hate those mean morning shows.

Hey there.
Yeah.

We found this in the truck.
Must've fallen off that big old desk.

Oh, well, yeah.
Thanks very much.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.
I wonder if...

Ahh, the ring...
Is in there.

Let me tell you, nothing more
pathetic than a billionaire on the make.

You know, when I got a babe
in my cross-hairs,

I don't waste time sending
her jewelry and furniture.

The only time you see me
move a desk

is when I want more room
on the floor for her.

What do you got?

No ring in here.
Just some paper.

"This certificate authenticates

"that this desk once belonged
to George Bernard Shaw.

"It has become known
as the ring desk

"because of the dark ring
clearly visible on the desktop

"where he set down his tea cup

upon completing the fifth act
of "Man and Superman."

I wonder if that's the one
where he fought the mole people.

So this tea cup thing
is the ring

Colcord was talking about.

Yeah. Boy, that's really
romantic, isn't it?

A desk that used to
belong to some dork

who writes comic books.

This Robin, man, he's got
a lot to learn about chicks.

"This desk has been
appraised at $5..."

Whoa, look at all those zeroes.

Wow!

Maybe, uh, maybe I should
tell Rebecca, huh?

[SAW BUZZING]

Maybe some other time.

I have to go powder my nose.

Boy, oh, boy,
am I dreaming, or what?

Somebody pinch me.
Ho, gee.

Ow, will ya? Yah!

I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.

Carla, Carla, Carla.

Stop hurting Cliff now.

All right. Cliffie,
I'm not gonna let you

take advantage
of that poor girl, OK?

Oh, come on. Stop
being such a big baby.

You're just mad 'cause
she likes me and not you.

Carla, hurt Cliff.

Hey! No, no, no.

I'm having a good time,
that's all, Norm.

Come on, Cliff. She's a nice
girl. She's got a few problems,

and you're just using that knowledge
to get an easy roll in the hay.

Well, duh!

Come on, Cliff. You don't
really care about her. Admit it.

Come on, Norm. Of
course I care about the girl.

I'm the one who said
she was prompt.

You're a mailman. What the hell
do you know about prompt?

All right.
That's it, Peterson.

I'm trained in the art of
self-defense. All postal carriers are.

I'm really shaking, Cliff. What
are you going to do, speed sort me?

Hey, are you two
fighting over me?

Oh, no. I've broken up
a wonderful friendship

because I was selfishly
thinking of nothing

but my own burning
womanly needs.

I hate myself.

Now, this has gone on
long enough.

If I may intercede,
you are mistaken.

Two men were about to
have a fight over you.

Now, that should show you
that you're worth having.

You don't have to settle.
You can pick and choose.

You can be selective. You can go
out with who you want to go out with.

Who are you, and why are
you so damned handsome?

You're settling again.

Oh. Oh, I guess
you're right.

Now, you see, of course,
in case of someone like me,

I see how you wouldn't think
it was settling...

Oh, no, you're right.
I can do better.

Good luck, babe.

I can do better than you.

I can do better
than you. Ha ha.

I can do better than you.

No, I could never
do better than you.

Aw!

Doris! Doris,
what's happened to you?

You weren't like this
when you worked for me.

Well, I was different then.

I was somebody.

I was Mr. Peterson's
secretary.

What am I now?

Wait a minute. What if you
came back to work for me?

What if I hired you again?

Mr. Peterson, please
don't taunt me this way.

No, I'm serious.
I would hire you.

We miss you at the office.

I mean, business
has fallen off these...

Seven hours since
you've gone terribly.

Oh, Mr. Peterson, I
gladly accept your offer.

Thank you.

Great, great.

But I think you should know

I have a rule about
romance in the workplace.

Yeah, sure. Anything
you say. What?

I don't fish
off the company pier.

That's OK, Doris.

This company
doesn't have a pier.

I think I handled that one
rather well,

don't you, wood?

Could I have a
celebratory beer, please?

Handled it, my foot!
What?

You mean to tell me you're going
to pay that girl week after week

just to stop following you and watching your
every move, interrupting your beer drinking?

Come on, this is nothing.
I bought Vera a house.