Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 24 - Mr. Otis Regrets - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Well, I've got to run home and
be a father for about an hour.

Where's Lilith?

Noted research psychologist

Dr. Lilith Sternin Crane

has a singing lesson.

Lilith sings?

It seems it's always
bothered my dearheart

that she cannot sing...

As if that were
her only character flaw.

And now with the baby,



she'd like to be able
to sing him a lullaby

without frightening four
years of growth out of him.

Don't put Lilith down
for wanting to sing.

I think it's cool.

You do?
Yeah.

I remember when I was 14,

I sang the lead
in my school choir.

It was one of the happiest
times of my life.

It made me the most
popular girl in school.

Really?

Of course...

I never wore anything
under my robe.

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪



♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Yo, Woody!

Hey, Rebecca left a
message for you about some...

Terry who wants to meet with you

about an ad in the paper.

Oh, yeah. I'm advertising
for a roommate.

My landlord just raised my rent.

Why don't you just move?

Are you kidding?
I love my neighborhood.

It's so quiet there.

Especially since the gangs
started using silencers.

Oh.

A great neighborhood
just got even greater.

You be careful when
you pick roommates now.

Being an old ballplayer, I'm
kind of an expert on the subject.

The guys out there who just
want to stay up all night,

play loud music,
bring girls in at all hours...

Now these are the fun guys.
These are the guys you want.

Hi. Is there
a Woody Boyd here?

Yes, ma'am.
What can I do for you?

Woody, I'm Terry Gardner.

I'm responding
to your ad for a roommate.

Oh.

When I heard the name Terry,

I automatically assumed
it was a guy.

Oh. Well, if it bothers you
that I'm not a guy...

No, don't go having some
big expensive operation for me.

No, I meant that
I would understand.

Oh, right.

Well, listen,
you came all this way.

Why don't you just sit down.

I'd better hear you out.

All right, let me tell
you about myself.

I'm originally from Indiana.

I'm a dental assistant.
I love to cook.

What else can I tell you?

My daddy is a minister.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Sure.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?

She seems like
the perfect roommate.

But I don't know.

The thought of having
a girl for a roommate...

Well, I got a real
problem with that.

Girlfriend wouldn't
understand, huh?

Now I got two problems.

Oh, I get it. Your
mom would disapprove.

Make that 3 problems.

What, do you have
religious scruples?

Oh, great.
4 problems.

What was your original
problem, Woody?

Well, I like to sit on the couch

and leave the top button
on my pants undone

after a good frozen meal.

I don't think Kelly
wouldn't mind.

If I'm not sleeping with her,

why would I be sleeping
with someone else?

Whoa.
Wait a minute.

You've been going out
with Kelly for over a year,

and you're not
sleeping with her?

Of course not.
That's the sort of thing

you wait to do after
you're married?

Right, Mr. Peterson?

Oh, you keep
believing that, Woody.

All right, I made up my mind.

Terry, you can move in.

Oh, great.

All right, here's an envelope.

It has my address
and three keys in it.

One of the keys is
for the doorknob.

One is for the security bolt,

and one is for the deadbolt.

You can never be too careful.

Won't you need a key?

No, I left the window open.

[GASPS]

Oh.

Oh.

What? What
are you looking at?

It's Robin Colcord

and that little tramp
he's been seeing.

Oh, there's a picture
of you in the paper?

No.

It's that little
chargé d'affaires

from the French consulate.

Rebecca, I must tell you,

this is not a healthy
relationship you're in.

Stuck in a runoff
with another woman

for Robin Colcord's
affections... it's demeaning.

Although it's nothing
compared to what I'd do

to have this exquisite creature

grind her heel into my forehead.

My God!

Wow, look at that.

Boy, I've never seen
anything quite like that.

Come on, now.

How hot could she be?

Oh, oh, ohh.

Oh, give me that.

You guys, she's not
that good-looking.

Oh, no?

I'll show you how
good-looking she is.

Barry, what do you
think of this babe?

I'd switch.

I hate her.

I wish she was dead.

What is she doing here?
This is my town.

Jean Marie is here

for some Franco-American
trade celebration.

All of Boston's elite
is going to be there.

Plus one frog slut.

Jean Marie.

Oh, the name just glides
off the tongue.

Of course I hope it doesn't
do that tonight

when I'm in the rack
with Lilith.

Jean Marie. I don't think
that's such a hot name.

I think it's stupid.

It sounds like it's
French for "Jan Murray."

Well, the French,
they consider Jan Murray

the greatest comic genius
of the 20th century.

No, they say that
about Jerry Lewis.

Well, they're wrong,
it's Jan Murray.

I wish I could go
to that ball tonight

and see her in action,

see what Robin thinks is
so damn special about her.

I'd love to be a fly
on the wall.

I'd love to be a fly
on the ceiling.

What's the difference?

Better view of those cha-chas.

Wait a minute.

Why don't you go to
that ball tonight?

No, I... yes, yes, yes, yes!

You go to the ball tonight,

and then you come back
and report to me.

Wait a minute. Wait.

You take this money,

and you buy yourself a ticket.

And then you come back here,

and you report to me

and tell me
everything about her.

I don't think I should do that.

I'm not asking you to
sacrifice anything.

You get to go out, dress up,

have a great meal

and meet a beautiful
French tramp.

All right, all right.
I'm gonna do it, but...

I'm just doing this
purely out of friendship.

You know something?

It doesn't feel half bad.

You know, for once,
I think I'm doing something

that's not just for
my own selfish pleasure.

It's kind of like, um...

Like I'm doing it
for a higher purpose.

I'm kind of like that old nun.

What's that babe's name?

Mother Teresa?
Yeah, right.

Hey, guys.
Sam.

Sam, did you see
Jean Marie last night?

What was she like?

Oh, Rebecca...

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Quit thanking me and
just give me details.

Uh, there are no details.

Well, she did kind of
detail me, I guess.

Ah! Oh! Oh!

You slept with her?

Oh, get real.

Who could sleep
with all that sex going on?

You pig!

How was she?

Was she good or was she bad?

Please tell me she was bad.

Well, let me put it
to you this way.

Imagine all the nuclear
warheads in the world

going off all at the same time,

exactly when the sun explodes.

Yeah?

Big deal.

So what did she do
that was so special?

I mean, I know a lot of things.

Honey, she's a little beyond

the Ann Landers Petting Guide.

So what was it that she did?

Uh, I don't think I can tell you

exactly what she did...

Or how or when.

You know, I suppose
I could show you.

Oh, God.
What?

I'm sure I'm going
to go to bed with you

so I can see how some
stupid French girl makes love.

Hey, I was just thinking
about you, you know?

Maybe I could
pass on a few secrets

of what made it the most
incredible night of sex I've ever had.

Remember, I was a ball player.

Uh, Sammy, come on.

Tell us the rest
of the stuff, huh?

I'm sorry, guys.

Actually, I never
met Jean Marie.

The water main broke
in the grand ballroom.

They canceled the whole party.

Wait a second now.

You just made up
all that sex stuff?

Yeah.

Sam, all the other sex stuff

that you've told us
through the years...

That's all true, right?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

'Cause our lives pretty much
revolve around those stories.

I know that, fellas.
I know.

I just want to know one thing.

If none of this hot sex stuff

with Jean Marie
ever really happened,

then why are you torturing
Rebecca with it?

Gee, knowing me, there
must be some reason.

Oh, he's got a reason.

Here it comes.
Here it comes.

You don't suppose it could be

that I know how insecure
Rebecca feels

about her sexuality,

or how inferior she feels

to this Jean Marie girl,

or to what lengths
she might go to acquire...

How shall I say this...

Uh, French lessons
from Monsieur Sammy?

Ah.
Ah.

You know, Sam,
I think you've tried

some pretty inane things
to seduce Rebecca.

But this one doesn't even
have a toehold on reality.

Do you really think she's that
insecure about Robin's affections

that she would actually
go to bed with you

just to learn Jean Marie's
erotic secrets, hmm?

Sam, could I see you
in my office privately?

Sure, honey.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, way off base.

Gentlemen, I think Sammy Company

is about to invade France.

[HUMMING "LA MARSEILLAISE"]

Hi.
Hi.

Sam, I never thought
it would come to this,

but now I see I'm going
to have to eat crow

and ask something

that I never thought
I'd have to ask,

especially of you.

Don't say another word, Rebecca.

I'll order more vermouth
right away.

No, Sam, it's not that.

Oh. Something else?

Something of a more
personal nature, perhaps?

You're going to make me
ask you this, aren't you?

Yeah.

All right, fine.

I, um...

I want to be as good
in bed as Jean Marie.

Are we out of vermouth?

No.

All right, class,
so you want to learn

all about the wonderful
art of love, eh?

Now, you're going to need
lab partners for this.

Hmm. There's an odd
number of you.

I guess the professor's going
to have to participate, won't he.

Sam, be serious. Come
on. This means a lot to me.

All right. All right.

Now, just tell me,

what was the first thing she did

when you got in her bedroom?

Actually, we never
got to the bedroom.

You did it in the hall?

No. What kind of woman
do you think she is?

We did it in the elevator.

The elevator?

Yeah. I was afraid
at first myself,

being in a public place
like that,

but she was so insistent.

She said the danger would
heighten the excitement of it all.

She kept whispering
in my ear and saying

we could be discovered
at any second.

Amazing stuff.

I mean, at first,
I was against it...

"it" being the rail.

And then before I knew
what was happening,

she took this scarf
from around her hair,

and she, uh, wrapped it
around my wrist

and tied me to the rail.

I said, "hey,
what are you doing?"

She just laughed.

I tell you, I've never felt
so... Powerless and in control

at the same time.

Wow.
Yeah.

Then she leaned in closer,

and we started to...

Miss Howe,
we're out of vermouth.

No, we're not, Woody.
Get out of here, man.

Well, where is it, Sam?

A matinee just let out,

and there's a busload
of old ladies

screaming for martinis.

Woody, there's a case of it

on the second shelf
in the storeroom, all right?

Lady, put the mailman down.

Sam, you were right.
This isn't going to work.

Yes... no...
No, you have to show me.

What?

I love Robin.
I need him.

I'll do anything to
keep him. Oh, yeah.

I need to be as good in bed
as that French girl, or better.

I need to experience everything
just the way you and Jean Marie did...

The hotel, the scarf,
the elevator.

The elevator?
Yes!

That's the only way
I'm going to learn, I guess.

I'm going to go get my car. Now?

Oh, God. Maybe we should
think this over.

No, no, no.
Thinking's bad.

Go, go, go, go.

Thank you, Sam.
Thank you.

You're welcome.
You're welcome.

Ooh. Oh, God...

Did she fall for it?

Hook, line, and...

Sammy.

Do you believe this?

Did you ever think
this day would come?

As a matter of fact, I never
had any doubt there, Carla.

Behold a sealed envelope.

Will you please open it
and read the contents.

Mm-hmm.

"I, Sam Malone,

"will sleep with Rebecca Howe

on the night of
April 19th, 1990."

When did you write this?

This morning. I write
a new one every day.

Woody, I'll have a cup of java

and an iced tea for...

What did you say your name
was again? Uh, Liza Minnelli?

Why all this resentment
over my singing lessons?

Is it jealousy over my desire

to strengthen
the mother-child bond,

reluctance to part
with even a few hours

of your precious freedom,

or is it merely
that you're a jerk?

Look at this, Normie...

The singing nightingale.

You told them about my singing?

Well, everyone was asking

why my hair was
falling out in clumps, yes.

So, uh...

How are the, uh... Singing
lessons coming, huh?

Just fine, thank you.

Now, Lilith, you are
being too modest.

They're going splendidly.

Why, just this afternoon,
Lilith received

a romantic proposition
from a young moose.

From northern Quebec,
wasn't it, dear?

You were pointed in that
direction, weren't you?

Jest, if you will,

but it takes a certain
amount of courage

to expose one's inner soul
through vocalization.

Especially with that
ah-ooga horn you call a voice.

Oh, stop it, all of you!

I've had enough of this.

You don't know how well I sing.

You've never even heard me.

Why don't you give us

a little demonstration
there, Lilith?

You think I'm ashamed?

You want this opportunity
to make more fun of me?

We were hoping, yeah.

Well, I rise to your challenge.

I'm going to sing
Frederick's favorite song,

made famous by Al Jolson.

We ain't heard nothin' yet.

♪ When there are gray skies ♪

♪ I don't mind the gray skies ♪

♪ you make them blue,
Sonny boy ♪

♪ friends may forsake me ♪

♪ let them all forsake me ♪

♪ you'll pull us through,
Sonny boy ♪

♪ you're sent
from heaven... ♪

I'm going to go
give my ma a call.

♪ You've made a heaven ♪

♪ for me
right here on earth... ♪

Yeah, I think I...

♪ when I'm old and gray, dear ♪

this is beautiful.

♪ Promise you won't
stray, dear... ♪

I'm going to send
my ma some flowers.

I'm going to go rent
"the jazz singer."

♪ Sonny boy ♪

Lilith, I apologize.
That was just lovely.

I've never heard your voice

filled with such
tenderness and emotion.

Why have you never
sung to me like that?

Because your breath
doesn't smell like cookies.

No, Ma, Cliff... Cliff Clavin.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Terry, what
are you doing here?

I just wanted to give
you back your keys.

I'm moving out.

What's the matter?
What'd I do?

Nothing. You couldn't
have been a better roommate.

You left me alone,
which is just what I needed.

I had time to think.

I've decided I'm going
back to my husband.

Husband?

Yeah, we had
a big fight yesterday.

I needed someplace to stay.

See, we were arguing again
over his awful temper

and his fits of
crazy jealous rage.

But we worked it all out.

By the way, Woody.

He wants to meet the guy

I spent the night with.

Oh, well, God, I'd love to,

but I, uh... you know...

This is my break,

and I usually like
to spend this time

running as fast as I can.

Woody?

Woody Boyd.

Cutter Gardner.

Oh, you know my husband.

I'll go wait in the truck.

Hey, Woody, I heard
you moved out here

and became a bartender.
Is that true?

Yeah.
Ha!

We didn't believe it.

Somebody's daddy
owes me five bucks.

You're in great shape.
You still working out?

Yeah.

This guy once lifted a tractor

off a guy's leg.

Wow.

He put it on his throat.

Well, I'd like to spend
all day here

chewing the fat with you,

but I got to find the guy

who spent last night
with my wife

and just bash in his brains.

Do you know who it is?

Mr. Clavin, we're still
friends and all,

but run.

That's him!

No! No! No! No!

So this is the elevator.

Oh, yeah.
The ecstasy express.

So, uh, what floor you want
to be stranded between here?

Where were you with Jean Marie?

Who? Oh. Uh...

We were somewhere
by the penthouse area.

We worked our way down.

Oh. The penthouse.

What'd you do on the way up?

Oh, a lot of this...

[ELEVATOR STOPS]

Hi.

Hey, kid.

What floor you going to?

The penthouse.

Oh, yeah?

Look, here's 5 bucks.
Walk up, will you?

But it's 40 floors.

You're young. Go on.

So where were we?

Boy, you're really
into this, aren't you?

What do you say I make sure

we don't get interrupted again.

OK.

So when do you want me
to do that thing

where I tie your wrist?

Oh, we don't have
to do that scarf thing.

Why don't we just pretend?

Well, if you want to pretend,
why don't I just go home?

No, no.
Here. Here. Oop.

I hope I can
remember this. OK.

Right, over left,

and under and around.

Actually, the under and
around part comes later.

I put it back here.

I've never done
anything like this.

Ow. A little snug,
isn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll never be as
good as Jean Marie.

Oh, don't say that.
Snug is good.

Yeah.

Oh, snug's very good.

Then what did she do?

Loosen up some clothes?

Yeah, lots of that.
Lots of that.

OK.
Then you go first.

Oh!

I see how this
could be exciting.

OK, I've got it.
I've got it.

Wait. The pants.
That's good.

Oh, yes. This is good.

Yeah!

This is just fantastic.

Now you go.
You go.

You want me to go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, bye.
See you tomorrow.

Wait.

What do you mean?
What are you doing?

I mean that I know
about the water pipe,

and I know about Jean Marie,

and I know that the only
reason you asked me here

was so that you could
play elevator.

How did you find out
about the water pipe?

It was in the newspaper.

Shoot!

Just when I thought
you were being my friend,

you go and do something
sleazy like this.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Oh, yeah, honey.
I'm...

I'm so very ashamed.
I...

I've learned my
lesson. I really have.

Could you untie me, please?

Please?

The knot's too tight.

Maybe there's some sailor in
the lobby that can untie it for you.

Hey, hey, hey!

[BELL RINGS]

Hey.

That's the man who pushed me.

Give me my 5 bucks
back, will you?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]