Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 25 - Cry Hard - full transcript

SAM: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Well, not only is skin

the largest organ in the body,

but another interesting
little tidbit about skin

is that the human body
sheds about 3 pounds of it

over the course of a year.

Some of mine just crawled away.

I don't understand.
Where does it go?

Into the atmosphere. Dust.

What?

Yeah. Yeah.



About 75% of all dust
is human skin.

That is really
interesting, Mr. Clavin.

Yeesh!

Cliff, dust is not
skin. That's ridiculous.

You think I'm
making this stuff up?

It was 2 whole chapters
in the big book of skin.

Come on. Frasier,
straighten him out, OK?

What happens to old, dead skin?

Apparently,
it sits on bar stools

and drinks beer all day.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪



♪ wouldn't you like
to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Sam, I've been fiddling around
with the computer in there,

and I just can't seem to
enter Rebecca's system.

Take a number.

Exactly why do you want
to use Rebecca's computer?

Because I just
have this great idea

that I think would really
improve things in the bar.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, I'm gonna tap into
the corporate payroll system

and give myself a big raise.

How would that improve the bar?

Well, I'd be a much
happier employee

and less likely to do
things like this to customers.

Well, best of luck, then.

You can't get
into the main computer

without Rebecca's
secret password.

You know that.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to
figure out what the password is.

Well, it's usually
something personal.

How about "loser"?

I tried it.

Uh, "funky"?

Tried it.

How about "hard-working
young woman

who never gets the
recognition she deserves"?

That's too many letters.

Then how about "screw-up"?

Worth a try.

Go for it.

I'll tell you, if I ever
ran this bar again,

if it was mine, there'd be a
lot of changes around here.

I would have raises
right across the board.

Woody, how much
you make an hour?

7 bucks.

You're kidding me.

I only make $6.80.

Hey, Carla, try "skinflint"!

What are you
reading there, Wood?

Well, my landlord
raised my rent,

and, you know, I like
my neighborhood and all,

but I lived there
for a long time.

I guess it's time to move on.

Because if you're not
looking at the sports...

Hey, check this out.

High-security building,
large units,

back bay area.

They only want 250 a month.

No way.

Just out of curiosity, Woody,

what's this place called?

Acme self-storage.

It sounds pretty swanky, huh?

Woody, I have a feeling

you really wouldn't
like to live there.

Why not, Dr. Crane?

Is it because you live
in the back bay?

Is it because
you'd be embarrassed

to have me as your neighbor?

Well, this is a free country.

I can live anywhere I want.

OK, but no loud parties.

No luck, Sammy.

I guess... I don't know... I
can't get into that computer.

I'm just going to keep on
working for peanuts.

How about peanuts?

That would be a stupid password.

No, I mean pass the peanuts.

Cliff sneezed all
over the pretzels.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Like I was the only one.

You know, I've had a password
lock on my computer for years.

You see, after every session,

I transcribe my notes
into my PC.

We're talking about some, you
know, very sensitive, intimate,

sometimes shocking information

nobody should be privy to.

For example,
take a look at this guy,

and this lunatic's a judge.

My whole world is a void...

Empty and without meaning.

There's no point to anything,

and there's nothing left to do

but just count the minutes
until I die.

Hear that, gang?

Our hive has found a queen.

To the Queen.

What's wrong?

My life is garbage.

Ah, Rebecca, cheer up.

Have some pretzels.

Ah, no, no, no.

What's the trouble this time?

I just found out

that Robin bought a
house on the Left Bank

for his babe Jean Marie.

Bought her a house?
That's tough.

Big deal.
Him buying a house

is like anyone else
buying a dozen roses.

Yeah. Or a box of candy.

Or an engagement ring.

Thanks, Woody.

I just like to participate.

Frasier.

You're possibly 5% smarter
than anyone else here.

What do you think? Do you
think that he bought her a house

for, you know, maybe
just the heck of it?

I've seen this
sort of thing a lot.

What, people buying
houses for no good reason?

No. Desperate women
like you

grabbing at straws.

Pathetic, isn't it?

I've got to quit
fooling myself here.

Robin called from the airplane

and left a message
on my answering machine

and said that he needed
to talk to me.

We all know what that means.

He's gonna break up with me.

I have a question.

When he left that message, he
was flying on the Concord, right?

Sure, but what does
that have to do with it?

Well, it doesn't make sense.

I mean, if Mr. Colcord was flying
faster than the speed of sound

when he left a breakup
message for you,

wouldn't he get here
before you got the message?

No. You see, that
telephone sound

is being carried by radio waves,

which are much faster
than normal sound waves.

Let's say you and I both

are going to break
up with Rebecca,

only I just have a
megaphone, right?

And you're doing it
over the radio.

How far away is she?

Like a mile.

By the time she gets my message,

she's already crying
from being dumped by you.

Hey.

That's amazing.

Well, you know, you
think that's amazing, Wood,

according to Einstein's
Theory of Relativity,

if twin babies wanted to break up
with Rebecca, and one's traveling...

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I am in pain here.

Isn't it dangerous to have
a baby on a rocket ship?

What should I do, Frasier?

Well, are you certain

that Robin intends to leave you?

What else could it be?

And the bad part is, all I
can do is stand here like a sap

and wait for it to happen.

Well, rather than playing
your usual passive role,

why don't you take an active
stance and beat him to the punch?

You mean break up
with him first?

Exactly. Preserve
your pride and dignity.

I guess that's
what I needed to hear.

Thank you.

You know, interestingly enough,

there are some people

who actually feel
a moral obligation

to pay for this sort of advice.

Yeah, well, they don't
know you the way we do.

And based on his
conic configurations,

Halley's conclusions indicate

that a human being
traveling on his comet

could conceivably
break up with Rebecca

once every 76 years.

Oh, darling. Did you
get my message?

Yes, I got your message, Robin,

and I also found out
that you bought a house

for your little chargé
d'affaires,

and don't you try denying it
because I have got proof.

I am sick of you stringing
me along like this.

I am a human being, and I
deserve to be treated like one.

It's about time I stood up and
told you what I really think of you.

Rebecca, I was wondering

if you might consider
moving in with me.

OK.

Good.

Ow!

Jeez.

Sorry.

Oh, this thing weighs a ton.

I'm sorry, Sammy.

Actually, I loaded
it up before we left.

You know...

I think it's actually
the damn ice

that makes it so heavy.

Care for a Fudgsicle, Sammy?

Hey. You guys,
don't take a break now.

There's still lots of
stuff to be brought in.

Too late.
Already open.

Hey, if your
boyfriend's so rich,

then how come he didn't
hire professional movers?

Yeah.

Well, he would have,

but I wanted to get in
here and surprise him

before he got back
from Zurich tomorrow.

I'm making him meat loaf.

Rebecca, how does
your corporation feel

about you sharing a bed

with the competition?

You know, Norm, I've been
doing a lot of soul-searching

about that lately,

and I've come to the decision

that I don't care.

Isn't it great here?

It's so beautiful.
It's like a palace.

You could get lost
in this place, huh, Wood?

Huh, Wood?

Oh, here you are.

Oh, man.

This is like a dream
come true for me...

Me here alone
with the man I adore

in our cozy little love nest.

Big deal. He bought
Jean Marie a whole house.

It was just a going-away
present.

Robin always gives women
a furnished house

when he dumps them.

That's class.

I usually just give them a
made-up phone number.

I can't believe it.

Every day,
for the rest of my life,

I'm gonna be waking up
in Robin's bed.

Ooh, and check out that bed.

I swear, you could lay 6
people end to end on that thing.

If they were cute.

No, Sammy, look at
this. Check it out, man.

Look at that canopy,

and check out those furnishings.

That's the maid's room.

I guess that would explain

the little old lady
in the nightgown.

Sorry!

Miss Howe, what's
that room down the hall?

That's Robin's playroom
for his executive toys.

Don't go in there. You're
not allowed to touch anything.

Oh, OK.

All right, Woody. 5
minutes if you stop pouting.

Bye.

[PRINTER SQUEAKS]

Well, well, well,
what's this, hmm?

Norm, don't touch that.

That's Robin's.
It's probably personal.

You bet it's personal.

It's being addressed
to "sweet baby."

What?

This is from the
corporation. I don't get it.

Sweet baby is my password
to the company computer.

How come it's coming up
on Robin's printer?

I don't know.

Look at this. Marketing
strategies, advance bond issues,

confidential executive memos.

This stuff's supposed
to be top-secret.

What do you mean, top-secret?

She means that it's
insider information, Sammy.

It's illegal for
Robin to have this.

As a matter of fact, it's
illegal for us to have it.

Norm, you touched it last.

No, no, no. Your fingerprints
are all over this. Look.

Yeah, but you set me up.

You gave me a
Fudgsicle. It's all over it.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute, you guys.

Let's not jump to any
wild conclusions here.

Let's just look at the facts.

Now, all we really know

is that Robin is using
my secret password

to break into my corporation's
confidential files.

And from the date on these,

it looks like he's been
doing it since...

Well, since the day after
we first slept together.

So all I think we can really
conclude from this is that...

I am too stupid to live!

I don't believe this.

Oh, man.

Is everybody having a nice day?

Is this guy great or what?

You can make him do darn
near anything with this remote.

Can you make him strangle me?

Well, let's see.

I know you can make him
punch someone in the groin...

Or maybe that was just a fluke.

Woody, Woody, take it in there.

I cannot believe

that Robin would
use me like this.

Yeah, I know. He seems
like such a decent guy.

I mean, it's not like he ever, you
know, cheated on any of your friends

in a business deal.

Oh. No, no. Actually,
he did, didn't he?

At least you never caught
him with another woman.

Oh, shoot.
That happened, too.

Well, maybe this is the
very last bad thing he does.

Yeah. That's it.

Gee, Sam, do you think so?

Rebecca, maybe you
are too stupid to live.

It's quite obvious from
this information that

Robin's planning a hostile
takeover of your corporation.

And since that's your
computer password,

it could look like
you're in on it, too.

Wait a minute. I could
go to jail for this.

Well, forget it.

I'm just going
to take this information,

and I'm gonna have
to turn him in.

If he thinks I'm going to
go to jail to save his butt,

he can forget it.

There you go.

But it is the cutest butt.

You should see it when it
comes out of the shower.

Yeah, that's OK.

No, it beads all up
like a shiny new car.

That's really OK.

Yo, Woody!

Hey, Woody, we're leaving, man!

Right behind you, Sam!

Beep beep!

So is Robin dead meat yet?

He's got about
another 15 minutes,

then Rebecca's going to go down

and have a meeting
with the board of directors,

spill the beans.

How is she holding up,
by the way?

You know, honestly, I've
never seen her like this.

Really upset.

You know, the first guy
I ever fell in love with

did the same thing.

He treated me like a dog.

He borrowed my car, he sold it,

he gave the money
to his other girlfriend,

and then he didn't even
have the decency to apologize.

But I got even with him.

I'll bet you did.
What did you do?

I married him.

You remember Nick, huh?

Anyways, I agree with Rebecca.

That Colcord's a creep.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Tell her the worst part.

She made us carry
this huge, heavy desk.

No. The part... she could
go to jail for this.

Yeah, but, Sammy, that
was some heavy desk.

What kind of Wood
was that made out of?

It must have been oak.

It's one of your
heavier grains. Yeah.

As any lumberjack
will tell you, though,

it's not the toughest one
to cut through.

Doc, what do you think

the toughest thing
to cut through is?

Your unending bull.

Now, look,

I think it's appropriate

that we all consider the fact

that Rebecca could possibly
go to prison for this.

Can you imagine
our helpless Rebecca

in a women's prison?

Yeah.

Come on. Wait a minute.
This is serious.

What do you think, Sam? What
do you think she'll be wearing, huh?

Faded cutoff jeans

with a work shirt tied
just above the belly button,

or a tight uniform
that sweats through

when she's wrestling
the sadistic warden?

Huh?

No, no, look,
later, later, you know?

At the end of the day

when we have a moment to relax.

What are we talking about here?

She's not gonna go to jail.

She's gonna turn
that rich creep in.

I better go see if she
needs a ride or something.

Hey, Cliff,

wet tank top, no bra,

tussle in the shower.

Hey.

No, no no. Whoa, whoa.
Save it for later.

Time to go.

Whoo! Did I miss a poker
game in here or something?

I'm such a wreck, Sam.

This last 24 hours

has been a blurry stream
of chocolate and cigarettes,

cigarettes and chocolate.

I'd kill for a chocolate
cigarette right now.

I just... I can't go
through with this, Sam.

I just can't do it.

Hold on. No,
you got to, here.

You got Robin's papers.

All you got to do is go
down and hand them over.

I don't see what the problem is.

The problem is
that I love him, Sam.

Oh, you're not
thinking rationally.

Why do you say that?

You're about to light
a tootsie roll.

You don't love the guy.
Come on.

What do you know about it?

You're not there when
we're alone together.

He's warm and tender and giving.

He's a crook.

That's just his way, Sam.

He's not an evil person.

I know in his heart of hearts
that he really does love me.

You know, there's a lot of women

that are higher up
in the corporation than me,

but he chose to take
advantage of me.

Doesn't that tell you something?

I mean, would it be so terrible
if I didn't turn him in?

What would happen?

He would go to jail, and
you would go to jail, too.

I know, I know.

Any chance we'd go
to the same jail?

How much are you going to take

before you realize this
guy is no good for you?

I don't know, Sam.
How much does it take

when you're in love
with someone?

You know, I've heard stories
about you and that Diane girl.

You put up with her for 5 years.

5 years.
What about that?

Sweetheart, if I could
have sent her to prison,

don't you think I would have?

Anyway, it's not just
between the two of you.

There's, you know, shareholders,

their families.

Thousands of people
could be hurt by this.

If you don't do
something about it,

it's gonna be on your head.

I know.
You're right, Sam.

Yeah.

OK.

I'm ready to talk to
the board of directors.

That's my girl.

Just don't turn
your back on them.

Why, because they're all
as treacherous as Robin?

No. You just sat
in a snickers bar.

Darn.
That's my favorite.

Guys, she's going for it.

Give 'em hell, Rebecca!

Give 'em what for, there, Becky!

We're proud of you.

Snitch!

Well, I guess I'd better
go call Vera back.

What are you talking
about? She didn't call.

Yeah, she did. Yesterday.

Something about
a flat tire, interstate.

What the hell was the number
of that call box?

Is Rebecca here, perchance?

She was supposed to have
moved into my apartment,

and not only is she missing,

but I seem to be
missing some documents

that I...Need.

Well, she just left
on an errand.

I believe it had something to do

with nailing someone's
rich hide to the wall.

I see.

Do tell her I was here.

You bet...

Sweet baby.

How you doing there?

Trying to figure out the
best way to approach this.

I guess I should lead off by
saying that I knew nothing about it.

But if I convince them
that I knew nothing about it

and all the information
came through me,

then I'm gonna look like a fool.

I think that's
your ace in the hole.

He'll see you now.

Excuse me. What's this
supposed to be anyway?

Here I go. Wish me luck.

Good luck, babe.

Rebecca. My darling.

What are you doing?

I'm turning you in.

You used me.

And don't try to deny it,
because I've got proof.

Robin, I am a human being, and
I deserve to be treated like one.

It's about time I stood up
and did what was right.

Good-bye, Robin.

Rebecca.

Will you marry me?

OK.

Whoa, whoa, wait a second!

Wait! Come on!
Open your eyes here!

He doesn't want to marry you.

He's just using you.

Actually, yes, I am. See?

I'm using Rebecca

to make me the happiest
man on earth.

Oh, man. Isn't he
the sweetest baby?

Get out here. Listen. He's
just marrying you to shut you up

so he can take over
the corporation.

Yes, to give to her
as a wedding present,

and now you've
spoiled the surprise.

I don't believe you!

Honey, listen, you got the
evidence in your hand right here.

If somebody comes out
and sees this,

you're gonna be guilty, too.

Yes, well, then we must
make sure that no one sees it.

Excuse me.

Boy, you really
come prepared, don't you?

I guess our business here
is finished.

For Rebecca's sake, this
conversation never happened.

The part happened where
you proposed to me, didn't it?

Of course, my darling.
That was destiny.

Where's Miss Howe?

Uh...she went down
to plug the meter.

That seems very odd.

Why is that?

We validate.

Oh.

Oh, well.
Here's the elevator.

I'll run down and tell her that.

Yes. You might also
tell her

that we're deeply concerned
about her behavior.

Uh, why is that?

After she called
this emergency meeting

of the board of directors,

we did a little research
on Miss Howe,

just to remind ourselves
who she was.

Turns out she works for us.

How about that?

We also discovered

that she's been receiving a
great deal of classified information

on her personal computer.

We were hoping she was
coming here to explain her actions

before we turned this
matter over to the authorities,

which we'll do right now.

Whoa, whoa, wait.
Excuse me,

but it's not Rebecca's fault.

It's not her.
It's Robin Colcord

who planned this whole
hostile takeover thing.

I mean, she called this
meeting to warn you.

It's not her fault.

Robin Colcord?

Yes. Yes, sir.
He's the one you want.

He was just using her
to get information.

She was like an innocent dupe.

Mr. Malone, you're making
a very serious charge

against one of the leaders
of our financial community.

Do you have any evidence
to back it up?

Yeah, you bet I do.

You want evidence?
Look at this.

If this doesn't clear
Rebecca's good name,

I don't know what will.

I mean, look at it.