Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 22 - Loverboyd - full transcript

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Good afternoon, everyone.
Have I missed anything?

Eh, we're just having

a little bit of spring
training debate over here.

Who do you pick for the
pennant this year, huh?

Well, if that's not the most
loaded question I've ever heard.

Who are you all going
with? Boston, perchance?

As coincidence
would have it, yeah.

We go through the
same charade every year.

Colored by your
hometown chauvinism,

you throw statistics
and feasibility to the wind



and predict Boston,

and you're usually wrong.

Well, I'm going out
on a limb this year.

I'm going to be the only one
to pick the New York Yankees.

You're not the only one
to pick the Yankees, Fras.

I'm not?

No. Steve picked them, too.

Hey, Woody, is Steve
back there with you?

You bet, Carla.

[MUTTERING]

You didn't let me finish.

You see, I picked the
Yankees to lose, you see?

I, uh...

I love the Red Sox.



Don't hurt me, please.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Hey, everybody.

Sam, you're just the guy
I've been looking for.

Why is that, Woody?

Because you weren't here.

Hey. Check this out, Sam.

It's a promise ring for Kelly.

By giving her this ring,

I'm making
a deep and solemn promise

that someday I'm gonna give
her an engagement ring.

That's beautiful, man.
That's beautiful.

I've given
a lot of those to women.

Of course, in my case,

it was a deep and solemn promise

that their backs will arch.

So, uh, woodwork,

why the sudden jump on the old
bullet train to Commitmentville, huh?

Well, uh, Kelly's
leaving tomorrow.

Her dad's sending her to Europe

to study for a year.

I want to give her this
ring so she won't forget me.

A whole year.

I'm gonna be one
lost and lonely soul.

Bullet train to Commitmentville.

You crack me up,
Mr. Clavin.

Thank you, Woody.

Woody, you can't believe

that your beloved Kelly
would actually forget you.

Well, I love Kelly
and all, Dr. Crane,

but you got to admit
she's no rocket scientist.

Yeah. Kind of
sympathize, Woody.

I once experienced a
painful separation myself.

A woman I cared very,
very deeply about left me.

Oh, yeah. Your mom
moved to Florida.

She's right.

I think I'm gonna go and give
that little cutie a call right now.

Wow. Kelly going
to study in Europe.

It'll be tough on you, Woody,

but, boy, what an
opportunity for her.

Yeah. You're right,
Miss Howe.

And if I know her father,

she's not gonna
have to do it like I did...

Backpacking, hanging out

in seedy youth hostels,

hitching rides
with sleazy locals

who use their inability
to speak English

as an excuse to
give you directions

on your sweater.

That sweet, little Kelly girl

will get everything
handed to her

on a silver platter.

I hope she chokes on Europe.

Miss Howe shouldn't
be mad at Kelly.

It's her dad's idea.

He's just sending her
away to hurt me.

Oh, come on, Wood.

Probably doesn't have
anything to do with you.

Probably just wants
to prove to his friends

that he's rich enough to send his
daughter to a fancy school in Europe.

Has it occurred to anyone

that Kelly might just want

the best education
money can buy?

That could be, Dr. Crane, but I
think he's sending her to Europe

to get her away from me.

Why do you think that?

Because he told me so.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Nice cold beer
coming up, Mr. Peterson.

You mean "nice cold beer
going down, Mr. Peterson."

Wait a minute.
Not so fast.

What?

It's time for us

to pick our designated
driver for the night.

OK. You all
know the rules.

Write your names down
on a slip of paper.

I understand you can
tell a lot about a person

by analyzing their signature.

You ever get into that, doc?

Oh, come on.
I'm a trained psychiatrist,

not some fortune-teller
in a cheap carnival tent.

That's too bad.

I always wondered what
my signature said about me.

Mother of God!

And the lucky loser is...

Yeesh!

Cliff Clavin.

You all get to ride shotgun

in a brand-new postal vehicle.

Oh, great.
We'll have a ride,

but we'll all go
to the wrong address.

That better be the beer talking.

Well, Cliffie, I guess that's
the luck of the draw, huh?

Speaking of draw, Sammy...

Wait a minute.
What's this?

What? What?
Give me that.

Wait a minute. This
says Norm Peterson.

Hey, wait a minute.

You didn't put this in the hat.

It's supposed to go in the hat?

Come on.

How many times
have you done this?

I'm embarrassed to say
this is my very first time.

This is the first
time you cheated?

Oh, I thought you meant
getting caught.

All right. Thanks to your
good buddy Norm Peterson

the first drawing
is null and void.

OK, everybody. Once again,
names in the hat.

Come on.

I'm watching you, Peterson.

Don't watch me, Carla.

What, you think I like it?

All right.

And the lucky loser is...

Norm Peterson.

Well, well, well.

Great, great. First time
I enter this damn thing.

You couldn't pick...
"Norm Peterson"

or...
"Norm Peterson"

or... or...

Well,
"Frasier Crane."

At least one person
here is honest.

I beg your pardon.
I wrote "Norm Peterson."

I guess you're
right. I wrote that.

Hi, Woody.

Hey, Kelly. I didn't
expect to see you here.

Woody, I'm leaving for
Europe first thing in the morning,

and I wanted to spend
every single free minute

of the time I have left
with you.

That's a great idea.

But first I have
to get my hair done.

Then I have to get my shots,

and I have to buy
a new bathing suit.

Oh, and I haven't
even started packing.

So what are you saying, Kelly?

I guess "bye."

Well, at least we had
this time together.

Oh. Listen.
Before you go,

there's something
I want to give you.

This...

Is a promise ring.

By giving you this ring,

I'm making a promise
that someday

I'm gonna be giving you
an engagement ring.

Oh, Woody.
That's beautiful.

Yeah. Well, it's been
in my family for years.

My dad gave it
to some chick on Guam.

That was before he met my mom.

Woody, I'll never take it off.

But why are you giving
this to me right now?

Oh, well, I'm
on a break right now.

Not since Myrna Loy
and William Powell

have I heard such a rich
collection of witticisms

exchanged in such
a pithy manner.

Is that that drunk couple who's
always fighting in the pool room there?

No. Those
were the Lunts.

I'm giving you this

because you're gonna
be in Europe,

and you're gonna be meeting
all those rich dukes and earls

and counts and basies and stuff.

Woody, you have nothing
to worry about.

I love you.

Besides, I'll probably be
so busy with my studies

that I won't have time
for anything else.

Really?
What are you studying?

French, economics,

and nude male figure drawing.

That ought to keep you
real busy.

Yo, Peterson.

I need a ride.

What, you're going home already?

No. Down to the corner
so I can buy a pack of gum.

Gum?

Norm, this is your duty.

Now, finish your Shirley
Temple and drive him.

All right. All right. I'll
drive you to get some gum.

Hey, I know.
After we get the gum,

why don't I take you on a
tour of the freedom trail?

Can we pick up my kid?

I was joking.

He'll be heartbroken.

Oh, Woody, I kind of wish I didn't
have to go to Europe right now,

what with us getting
so close and everything,

but Daddy really wants me to go,

and you know how he is.

Do I ever.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I just know
how he is.

What do you mean by "is"?

Well, he can be sort of...

You know.

What do you mean by "you know"?

Same thing as "is."

Hey.

Are you putting down Daddy?

I'm not putting down Daddy.

Don't call him Daddy.

He's not your daddy.
He's my daddy.

Well, it's a good thing
because my daddy

doesn't treat me like a baby.

Woody Boyd, what
an awful thing to say.

I'm sorry, Kelly.
I take it back.

Well, you can
take this back, too.

I can't take this back.

I don't even have a receipt.

Well, then I guess you'll just
have to find the person who has it

and give it back to them so
they can return it and get credit.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means.

No, really.
What does it mean?

Stop it, Woody.
You can't make up now.

No, really. Can anybody
tell me what it means?

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

What do you know there, Norm?

How to sit, how to drink.

Want to quiz me?

Here you go, big fella.

Sorry.

No suds tonight, Norm.

You are still
our designated driver, remember?

I know that.
You know that.

Did you have to call every
bar in town and tell them?

Hey, Norm, can I
get a lift home?

All right.

Woody, you're have
to get your mind

off your problems with Kelly.

Is it that obvious, Sam?

Well, you're peeling your thumb.

Thank God you told me

before I put it
in someone's drink.

I just can't
think straight, Sam.

I've really blown it with Kelly.

Now she's gonna go off
and marry one of those

worldly European guys for sure.

Woody, nothing like
that's going to happen.

Really, Miss Howe?

No, Woody.

Those wealthy royals
aren't good enough

for Princess Button Nose
and her daddy.

So, Becks, what's this thing

you have against rich people?

You're dating a rich guy,

and you want to be
rich yourself, right?

Yes.

And when I'm rich, I'll
stop hating rich people

and start hating poor people.

That's the American way.

I can't believe it's over.

I can't believe
she's leaving me.

Oh, come on. What are
you talking like that for?

You're gonna give up
after one little spat?

What else can I do?

Well, you can run to her,
hold her in your arms,

and tell her that you love her.

Come on, man.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

See you guys later.

Where are you going, woods?

Sam wants me to elope.

No! Wait, wait!
Hold on!

Woody, Woody, I didn't
say anything about eloping.

I didn't mean that. I
just meant you should go

over to her place and
maybe make out a little bit.

Well, yeah, and to do that,
we got to get married, right?

Kids today.

Excuse me.
I'll handle this.

Woody, listen to me.

I once was deeply in love

with a boy that my parents
did not approve of,

and I thought about eloping.

But fortunately
I came to my senses.

Can you imagine what
would have happened to me

if I had married him?

Yeah. Maybe you'd
be happy now

instead of whining and being
dumped on your whole life.

Go get her, Woody.

No, no, no.

Woody, Woody, come on.
Stop here, kid.

Think a little bit.

Sam, that's all I've done
my whole life

is think, think, think.

There comes a time when
you got to stop thinking.

You taught me that, Sam.

I just want you to be
sure, man, that's all.

Sam, I am sure.
I love Kelly.

I'm willing to risk everything to make
her Mrs. Woodrow Tiberius Boyd.

Tiberius?

You never told us that
was your middle name.

Yeah. Right. I never
told Kelly, either.

Maybe I'd better just
forget this whole thing.

No, come on.

No, wait a minute.
I have accepted the fact

that her middle name is Susan.

I'm going to go for it.

Oh, hey, Sam,
would you come with me?

I mean, you're kind of like
a big brother to me,

and I don't think I could
take a big step like this

without you there to support me.

Oh, well, thanks, Woody.
I'm very touched.

I need someone strong
to hold the ladder.

Thanks, Woody.
I'm very touched.

That's not her room, either.

What took you so long?

Ghostbusters is on TV.

I love that movie.

It's criminal
the way it got snubbed

by the Oscars that year.

It still ticks me off.

Let's try over here.

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

Guess I drove
everyone else home, huh?

That's right.

You know, Norm?
I'm proud of you.

I rode you pretty hard
for cheating,

but you really came through.

Well, thank you.

Now can I have a beer?

Nope. We're closed.

All right. I guess
I deserved that,

cheating the way I did.

Tonight actually turned out
to be a rewarding experience.

What are you telling me,

you liked carting those
guys all over town?

No. I didn't cart
them all over town.

I just dropped them
all off at your place.

Great.

I finally get my kids
to stop rolling drunks,

and now you have to go and
put temptation in their path.

I am telling you,

it is impossible to raise
a family in the nineties.

OK.

Something cold and German
perhaps?

Good news, Woody.

All right. You finally
found Kelly's bedroom?

No. I met the cutest
little chambermaid.

She's making popcorn.
You want some?

Sam, how can you
think of popcorn

when my life and
happiness are at stake?

It's cheddar.

Ooh, gimme.

Thank you.

Ouch!

Sorry, Sam.

Yep. This is Kelly's
room all right, Sam.

How can you tell?

[GARGLE]

That's her gargle.

Woody, Sam, what
are you doing here?

Kelly, I want to marry you.

I want to elope
with you right now.

You mean everything
in the world to me.

And nothing is
going to stop me...

Hey, you do have
over 1,000 Barbie dolls.

I thought you were
just bragging.

Woody, I just can't
run off and marry you

at the drop of a hat.

Boy, this is
a great little comb.

Teeth aren't too wide,
nice flexibility, good heft.

I've been looking
for one of these

for my eyebrows.

That one's for blondes.

For...

Jeez, you are rich.

It's not right
for you to be here.

You shouldn't even
be seeing me like this.

I'm not decent.

It's all right, Kelly.
I didn't look.

Yeah, I did, Sam.

Kelly, I want to say something.

I'm not gonna just stand still

while you run off to Europe.

I love you, Kelly,

and I want to make you
Mrs. Woodrow Tiberius Boyd.

Tiberius?

Susan!

Hey, hey, hey, whoa.
Kids, kids, calm down.

Why is everybody
making such a big fuss

about their middle name?

What's yours, Sam?

Hey, shut up.

The point is... sit down here.

The point is that you should be

sharing with each other
how you feel.

Names don't matter.

I'm not saying that you
should get married, but...

No, no. Let's get married.
That will be a blast.

Well, whether you get
married or not,

what's important is
to share how you feel...

How you feel about him,
how he feels about you...

Woody, I know he's
your friend and all...

Beat it, Sam.

Boy...

G.I. Joe should come here
on leave someday.

Kelly, you mean everything
in the world to me.

And I want you to know

that someday I'm
gonna give you back

everything you're
giving up by marrying me.

Oh, Woody, I don't need
all those things.

I'd live in a cold-water flat

in the seediest part of town

to be with you.

Then have I got a surprise
honeymoon suite for you.

Well, let's go.

Look. I'm all packed
for Europe,

so all I have to do

is take out my passport
and voltage changer,

and we're all set.

Kelly.
Kelly, dear.

Oh, no. Woody, quick,
in the closet.

Wow.

What are all these
Barbie legs doing here?

Sometimes I get mad.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in, Daddy.

Aw...

So my little Kellybell
is leaving me.

Leaving you? Why do
you say that, Daddy?

I'm not going away.

You're going off to Europe.

Oh, there.

Yeah, well, I don't
think of that as away.

Look at you now...

All grown up and beautiful.

I can't help

but think of a little
towheaded butterball

taking her first steps.

Now I'm sending you
off to see the world.

And...if, when
you come back,

you still want to be with Woody,

that'll be fine with me,

because I'll know you're
making a grown-up decision.

But no matter how
grown up you get,

you'll always be my only Kelly,

and I'll always be
your only daddy

till the day I die.

Sweet dreams, sweetheart.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OK, Woody! Let's go!

Woody.

I can't do it!

No, he's your only daddy.

I'm just some guy with a ladder.

But, Woody, what about us?

I can't take away

his little
butter-headed towball.

I think you should go to Europe.

Are you sure, Woody?

As sure as corn chiggers
in August.

Well, if that's
what you want, Woody,

then I'll go to Europe,

but how will I know

you'll still be here for
me when I get back?

Well, how about this?

We could get secretly engaged.

Oh, yes, Woody.
That's a wonderful idea.

It'll be our special secret.

I'll be in Europe,
and you'll be here.

We'll have an unspoken
bond across the ocean.

That sounds swell.

So you won't date any other guys

while you're in Europe?

Woody, if I don't date
any other guys,

then people might suspect
that I'm secretly engaged.

Yeah, that's right.

So I'll have to do
the same thing

back here in the states,

except, of course,
I'll date women.

Right, Woody.

Yeah.

Now, wait a minute.

You're not already secretly
engaged to someone else,

are you?

No.

But even if I were,

I couldn't tell you because
it would be a secret.

Boy, I can trust you.

And I know that you're
gonna come back to me,

and then we're gonna spend
the rest of our lives together.

So I just want to hold
this moment in my mind.

I just want to look at you
one last time,

and then I'm going to go.

Sam? Where's the ladder?

Sam.

Sam?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Who you gonna call ♪

Ghostbusters!
Ghostbusters!