Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 21 - Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh - full transcript
The gang thinks that since it's St. Patrick's Day - one of the busiest bar days of the year - Gary of Gary's Olde Towne Tavern is about ready to strike on Cheers despite Rebecca and Gary having previously drawn an agreement to stop the pranks against each other. But Tecumseh, the Indian statue standing at the entrance of the bar, is missing, and the gang think that it's Gary who stole it. After Sam, Norm and Cliff close down Gary's bar with padlocks, toxic warning signs and police tape, they find out that Rebecca sent Tecumseh out solely to be varnished. Thus, the gang await the wrath of Gary. When the fire marshal arrives for the bar's six month inspection, the gang thinks he is Gary's revenge, which he isn't. Their collective nerves are so frayed waiting for Gary to hit, that Cliff suggests they, as an act of peace and good faith to Gary, sabotage themselves before Gary can. They finally learn what Gary's St. Patrick's Day plan is, which they believe is the worse thing he's ever done to them. Another outcome of the plan is that everyone in the bar ends up targeting one of their own.
"Cheers"is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Sam, uh, more change, please.
Boy, Lilith's really burning up the
phone there. What's the matter?
Oh, you don't want
to hear about our troubles.
Well, then again,
since I've suffered
through so many of yours...
We're having a devil of a
time finding a baby-sitter
for little Frederick.
Jeez, what we wouldn't give
to get away together.
Oh, me, too.
I live for that.
Really? You could use
a vacation?
No. I want you guys
to go away.
So you don't have any
relatives or friends
you can ask to watch the baby?
Oh, I'd gladly ask my parents.
Of course, they're dead.
Well, as for friends, I... well...
Sorry. Stupid question.
Frasier, good news.
I finally found a woman
with whom we can leave
our baby for one night.
Oh, great.
Tell me about her.
Well, she's 79 years old,
she can't see her hands
without her glasses,
but she assures me
she can smell smoke.
Lilith, this is wonderful.
At last we'll have
a night alone together.
Yes, it's just what we need.
Our relationship is at a point
where the rekindling of romance
is both appropriate and welcome,
to say nothing of timely.
Stop, Lilith.
You're getting me hot.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like
to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Hey, Cliffie. Your beer
taste a little flat today?
No.
I don't know.
Seems like it's off
by maybe a hop or two.
Well, it probably
has something to do
with that new
pasteurization process.
You know, they put it
in big sterilized vats...
Ah, who gives a hoot?
What, no long-winded
explanation? Hmm.
Cliff just isn't himself today.
Well, it's not just
Mr. Clavin.
I'm feeling
a little strange, too.
In fact, this whole
place feels weird.
Well, you know, Woody,
the Japanese believe that
every house has its own energy,
what they call its "wah".
Now, eastern culture submits
that if this "wah" is
somehow in disorder,
everyone that enters therein
will feel a sense
of disconnection.
Mr. Clavin, I know why
you're not yourself.
Dr. Crane is yourself.
Damn it.
These decorations are all wrong.
This is
St. Patrick's Day,
the busiest night of the year,
and our name is misspelled
on every single item.
"Faith and begorrah
from your friends
at Chees."
Rebecca, the decorations
are the least of our problems.
I agree.
You're right, Norm.
I think unpaid bar tabs
come a lot higher
on our priority list.
Damn it! Would you look
how they misspelled Cheers!
Can you believe it?
What I'm talking about is,
if you guys want to
worry about something,
why don't you worry about
what evil, rotten practical joke
Gary's Olde Towne Tavern is
gonna play on us this year.
No, no, no, no, no.
We are not gonna continue
this feud with Gary, OK?
What are you talking about?
This is St. Paddy's
Day.
It's one of the busiest
nights of the year.
It's when Gary
wheels out the big guns.
He can't do anything worse to us
than he did last year. Remember that?
The place was packed
and Gary and his goons
filled our stairwell
with potatoes.
Yeah, and just my luck I
was sitting on the bottom step
tying my shoe at the time.
Lucky for me you guys
were able to dig me out.
I'd hate to be the second
member of my family
buried alive by potatoes.
Well, this year, things
are going to be different.
Now, after that potato incident,
I went over there and I
had a little I chat with Gary.
I said we gotta cool it
'cause this stuff
is ruining our business,
and he agreed.
So we drew up this little
document to that effect.
"We, the managers of Cheers
and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern,
do solemnly swear
to cut it out."
That ought to hold up in court.
I have to do something
about these decorations.
You mean to replace them?
No, there's no time for that.
I have to go to the deli
and buy some cheese.
People will be expecting it.
Fill up your beer
for you there, Norm?
No, thanks. I'm not quite
finished with this one.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm full!
Aw, man, that's it.
What's going on
around here today?
Everybody's acting weird.
It's time to give old
Tecumseh a belly rub.
Who's Tecumseh?
There you go.
The old wooden Indian
by the door.
Isn't that Phil?
Where... where is he?
Did you guys move him?
Hmm?
Well...spread out.
We got to find him here, guys.
This is very weird.
I could swear I saw
him here yesterday
and the day before,
and the day before that.
No, no, no.
That was me.
Sammy, he's not here.
Who in his right mind
would want to walk off
with Tecumseh?
ALL: Gary.
Oh, man.
Boy, fun is fun,
and I like being humiliated
as much as the next guy,
but... yeah, but this,
taking Tecumseh,
that...
That crosses the line.
Sammy's right!
He can take Cliffie,
he can strip him naked,
he can paint him green,
tie him up like a shamrock,
drag him through
the streets of Boston,
but this is going too far.
This time...
It's personal.
Hey.
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ah, St. Paddy's Day,
the day St. Patrick drove
the snakes out of Ireland.
Boy, if that isn't the biggest
Freudian dream of all time.
5 more Irish coffees, Woody.
Oh, gosh, I wish Sam would
hurry back from Gary's.
I'm at my wits' end here.
How can you tell?
Hello, duckling.
Sugar pants.
I've been anxiously awaiting
our appointed rendezvous.
Hey, Dr. Crane,
Mrs. Dr. Crane.
So you're here on
your night off, huh?
You have a marvelous
grasp of the obvious.
Well, that's what comes
from working with your hands.
So what are you guys
going to do?
Well, we plan to recreate
our very first liaison.
If memory serves, we began
with a lovely meal at Melville's
and then an after-dinner drink
here, and then we adjourned
to Lilith's tastefully
decorated condominium,
where we engaged in an
evening of lovemaking,
which I might say was
rather...Meaningful,
not to mention sweet and sweaty.
Well, I'm not hungry,
you've had your drink.
I say we jump right to the
final stop on our itinerary.
Do you think the people who live
in that condominium
now would mind?
I don't see why. We're
an attractive couple.
Carla, how come we can't
tell Miss Howe
what Sam's doing to Gary?
Oh, you know her.
She thinks that anything
that destroys property,
costs money,
or wastes time is stupid.
I don't know. She's
got an attitude problem.
Yeah, what is with her?
[SINGING]
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hoo, pow!
Hoo, pow!
Hoo, pow!
Hoo, pow!
Yo, caballeros.
Did you head them off
at the pass?
Oh, yeah.
We just shut down
Gary's Olde Towne Tavern
on one of the busiest
bar nights of the year.
Yeah! Yay! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah, we got padlocks
on all the doors,
front and back. We got
toxic spill warning signs.
We have police tapes
blocking off all the entrances.
People are gonna be afraid
to drive down the streets.
[CHEERING]
And to top it all off,
my friend Normie sent 38 pizzas
over to Gary's house.
Actually, I sent them
over to my house.
So if anyone wants to come over,
come on, we gotta get
to them before Vera,
otherwise we got
nothing left but the crust.
Ho!
Hey!
Morning, everyone.
Norm! Norm! Hey!
What are you up to, Norm?
My ideal weight
if I were 11 feet tall.
So, we have any retaliation
from the old Garmeister?
No, no, no, but that's because
we outsmarted them once again.
We had a man inside
the whole time.
Hey, hey.
Yep. I stood exactly where
Tecumseh stands all night long.
It's given me a new appreciation for
Tecumseh and everything he does for us.
You stood there all night long?
What a stupid thing to do.
Oh, yeah? I stand
there for one night
and you think that's stupid?
He stands there for years
and you rub him for luck.
Who's the stupid one, Carla?
Hey, I hear you guys shut
down Gary's last night.
Oh, now, he started it
when he stole Tecumseh.
You draw first blood like that, you
got to expect anything to happen.
Right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What?
They're bringing Tecumseh back.
Ha ha!
Oh, yeah!
We brought Gary to his knees
and now he's returning
our statue
as a token of surrender!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, good.
Tecumseh's back.
Yep. Gary sent him.
Gary? No,
I had him re-varnished.
Doesn't he look shiny and new?
You want to sign for this, lady?
Sure.
Uh...
Say, Rebecca?
So you mean that...
That Gary had nothing to do
with Tecumseh being missing?
Absolutely not.
Uh-oh.
What's wrong?
We shut down Gary's bar
on one of the busiest
nights of the year.
We did that for
no good reason at all.
What? What
are you talk...
What did you do?
Well, uh...Sweetheart...
You remember this, uh,
treaty you and Gary signed?
Yes.
Gentlemen...
We're at war.
I don't understand
why you guys think it is so cool
to play these stupid
practical jokes?
Honey, it's what keeps
the child in us alive.
Otherwise, we'd be just
mature adults.
Yeah. I'd lie awake at night
worrying about that one.
Listen to me, all of you.
I want you call Gary
right now and apologize
before he gets the idea
of getting even
and blows us to bits with an
all-in-good-fun toilet explosion.
You're right.
There's that attitude.
Apologize. A lot
of good that would do.
Gary just gets meaner
when he smells weakness.
I got to respect the guy.
Well, one thing is clear.
He is going to
retaliate, OK? In fact,
he may have already put
some deadly plan in action.
This beer you just
poured me, Sam,
could be filled with toxins.
So what do we do?
We take our chances.
Hey, Woody, open that door there
and see if Gary's done anything
to the outside
of the bar, will ya?
Snow.
Gary made it snow.
Gary can't make it
snow, grain brain.
Oh, it's a good thing, 'cause
we'd never be able to top that.
Hold it. Hold it. Hold
it. Hold it. Hold it.
He may have planted
somebody in the bar.
Now, you see any strange faces?
Just glance around nonchalantly.
Come on, Gary's
smarter than that.
He knows we'd be on
the lookout for a stranger,
so he'd plant somebody we know.
Yeah. Probably try to turn
one of our own against us.
So the idea is, who do
we suspect the least?
I think it's me.
Aw, come on, Woody!
How could Gary
turn you against us?
I don't know, but if
he can make it snow...
He didn't make
it snow, you idiot!
All right, just calm down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.
Look, I just can't help it, Sam.
It's this waiting.
It's making me crazy.
Hey, you know Gary.
He always retaliates
and with great cruelty and force
and always within 24 hours.
Boy, I really do
respect that guy.
Carla's absolutely right.
Every time that damn door opens,
I keep thinking to myself,
this could be the big one.
Excuse me.
Is the manager here?
Why? Who wants to know?
I'm the fire marshal.
You're due for your
routine 6-month inspection
for safety code violations.
Oh...
Um, well, we're really
glad you're here.
Why don't you have a seat.
Can I take your hat?
Thanks.
Sure.
You probably want to be checking
if this fire extinguisher
is fully operational.
Of course.
OK.
What are you doing?
Well, this hat
is now up to code.
What are you doing?
Well, we're just...
We're just, uh...
Demonstrating
our fire preparedness.
Gentlemen, uh, seltzer drill.
ALL: Seltzer drill!
Hup!
Seltzer drill.
Yo! Whoa! Whoo!
[LAUGHING]
What are you doing?
Ah. You see, these pants
were a tinderbox.
You guys are crazy!
Whoo!
Yeah.
[SINGING]
Whoo!
[SINGING]
Sam, excuse me.
Will you let me know when
the fire marshal gets here?
F-Fire marshal?
Yes. We're due
for our routine
6-month inspection.
Be sure and tell me
when he gets here.
Oh, don't worry. I have
a feeling he'll be in touch.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Guys, guys,
we're going nuts here.
I tell you, man,
it's just sheer luck
that no one was hurt
in this situation,
other than Rebecca.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This might be part
of Gary's master plan.
What? Keep us on
the edge, off balance.
Yeah. Mr. Clavin's right. I think
Gary's probably playing with us,
like a rat with a mouse.
That's a cat and mouse,
Woody. Cat and mouse.
Sam, a cat and a mouse
don't play together.
They're mortal enemies.
They don't even
know the same games.
Think before you speak, Sam.
All right, all right, but
what do we do about Gary?
What are we supposed to do,
just sit here and wait and worry?
Well, what other
choice do we have?
Fail-safe.
What?
Huh?
Sure. Fail-safe.
Our situation here
greatly parallels
that film of the early 1960s
that delighted and
disturbed audiences
of that time.
So your idea is
we schnide ourselves
before Gary does it to us?
Do something to ourselves
to get back
for what we did to Gary?
Oh, that's crazy.
Come on.
No, no.
Wait a minute.
It might convince Gary
not to do anything to us.
We'd be the master
of our own fate.
And, fellas, bottom line is,
we'd be getting it over with.
All right. I buy it.
What do you think?
All right. Sammy's right.
I say we screw ourselves!
Screw ourselves!
Screw ourselves!
Screw ourselves!
Carla, where are Sam and Woody?
Oh, you'll find out soon enough.
Don't worry your flat
little head about it.
You did not answer my question,
and for your information,
my head is not flat.
All right, but it is not little.
Say, Carla, where's
the inner circle?
Oh, Sammy and the
guys had to do something,
but they'll be back soon.
Oh, don't tell me
I missed something.
No, no.
Now, Carla, I expressly
posted my beeper number.
If anything juicy happens,
I'm to be paged.
Frasier, an observation.
You are spending
way too much time here.
So, uh, how was your night off?
Bet you spend a lot of time
worrying about
that kid of yours.
No, not a bit. We had
a wonderful time.
We knew he was in good hands,
so we just sat back and relaxed.
We had a much needed,
healthy night away from him.
That's terrific.
Oh, by the way, your
sitter called and she said
that Frederick
rolled over by himself
for the first time.
What?! And we missed it?
We must be the worst
parents in the world.
Frasier, let's rush home,
fall to our knees
and beg his forgiveness.
I'll never get over this
until the day I die!
New parents... they're
always suckers for that gag.
Well, my friends, we did it.
We've saved the bar.
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Yahoo!
Where's the photographer?
Are you the guys?
No. We are the men!
Now take a photograph
of us in all our glory here.
Gentlemen, step
right up here in a line.
Right. Yeah. There we go.
OK, smile, men. This is
for the Sunday paper.
Fellas, count of 3.
1...
2...
3.
And here we go.
OK, got it.
Thanks, guys.
Hope it grows back.
Doesn't always, you know.
Man, you guys!
You know, when I dreamed
this gag up,
I never thought you were
gonna go through with it.
I just thought you'd get some
rubber skullcaps or something.
Hey, come on, give us a
little credit here, will ya?
When a man has a
dirty job to do, he does it.
Wait a minute. What's
that behind your ear?
Nothing.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, what's that...
Hey, hey!
What the hell?
Guys, we're talking
about my hair here.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah. So?
Without my hair, I'd be just...
Just one of you guys.
Pardon me, Sammy, if that fails
to bring a tear to my eye!
Fellas, I tried to do it, but I
swear to God, man, I love my hair.
All right, fine, listen, if
you got a problem with this,
just step outside right now.
Hang on a second, here, huh?
What are we doing to ourselves?
It's bad enough that Gary
made us look like fools
and now we're fighting
amongst ourselves?
This is not part of the deal.
Yeah, Woody's right.
Thank you, Mr. Peterson.
Now, let's just relax,
shave Sam's head,
and discuss this rationally.
[SHOUTING]
Hey! Get off me!
Hey, guys, listen up, listen
up. I've got great news.
Now, listen, yeah, listen up.
There's no need to
retaliate against ourselves.
What do you mean?
Gary's has been closed
for the last month.
He's in Florida while his
place is being remodeled
and he wasn't open
on St. Patrick's Day.
He doesn't know you guys
did anything to him.
Isn't that a howl?!
This is the worst thing
Gary's ever done.
We have got to teach
Gary a lesson.
He must never do nothing again.
Men, there's only
one thing left to do.
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
First, we shave Sammy!
No, get Gary!
Shave Sammy!
Shave Sammy!
Get Gary! Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Shave Sammy!
a live studio audience.
Sam, uh, more change, please.
Boy, Lilith's really burning up the
phone there. What's the matter?
Oh, you don't want
to hear about our troubles.
Well, then again,
since I've suffered
through so many of yours...
We're having a devil of a
time finding a baby-sitter
for little Frederick.
Jeez, what we wouldn't give
to get away together.
Oh, me, too.
I live for that.
Really? You could use
a vacation?
No. I want you guys
to go away.
So you don't have any
relatives or friends
you can ask to watch the baby?
Oh, I'd gladly ask my parents.
Of course, they're dead.
Well, as for friends, I... well...
Sorry. Stupid question.
Frasier, good news.
I finally found a woman
with whom we can leave
our baby for one night.
Oh, great.
Tell me about her.
Well, she's 79 years old,
she can't see her hands
without her glasses,
but she assures me
she can smell smoke.
Lilith, this is wonderful.
At last we'll have
a night alone together.
Yes, it's just what we need.
Our relationship is at a point
where the rekindling of romance
is both appropriate and welcome,
to say nothing of timely.
Stop, Lilith.
You're getting me hot.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like
to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Hey, Cliffie. Your beer
taste a little flat today?
No.
I don't know.
Seems like it's off
by maybe a hop or two.
Well, it probably
has something to do
with that new
pasteurization process.
You know, they put it
in big sterilized vats...
Ah, who gives a hoot?
What, no long-winded
explanation? Hmm.
Cliff just isn't himself today.
Well, it's not just
Mr. Clavin.
I'm feeling
a little strange, too.
In fact, this whole
place feels weird.
Well, you know, Woody,
the Japanese believe that
every house has its own energy,
what they call its "wah".
Now, eastern culture submits
that if this "wah" is
somehow in disorder,
everyone that enters therein
will feel a sense
of disconnection.
Mr. Clavin, I know why
you're not yourself.
Dr. Crane is yourself.
Damn it.
These decorations are all wrong.
This is
St. Patrick's Day,
the busiest night of the year,
and our name is misspelled
on every single item.
"Faith and begorrah
from your friends
at Chees."
Rebecca, the decorations
are the least of our problems.
I agree.
You're right, Norm.
I think unpaid bar tabs
come a lot higher
on our priority list.
Damn it! Would you look
how they misspelled Cheers!
Can you believe it?
What I'm talking about is,
if you guys want to
worry about something,
why don't you worry about
what evil, rotten practical joke
Gary's Olde Towne Tavern is
gonna play on us this year.
No, no, no, no, no.
We are not gonna continue
this feud with Gary, OK?
What are you talking about?
This is St. Paddy's
Day.
It's one of the busiest
nights of the year.
It's when Gary
wheels out the big guns.
He can't do anything worse to us
than he did last year. Remember that?
The place was packed
and Gary and his goons
filled our stairwell
with potatoes.
Yeah, and just my luck I
was sitting on the bottom step
tying my shoe at the time.
Lucky for me you guys
were able to dig me out.
I'd hate to be the second
member of my family
buried alive by potatoes.
Well, this year, things
are going to be different.
Now, after that potato incident,
I went over there and I
had a little I chat with Gary.
I said we gotta cool it
'cause this stuff
is ruining our business,
and he agreed.
So we drew up this little
document to that effect.
"We, the managers of Cheers
and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern,
do solemnly swear
to cut it out."
That ought to hold up in court.
I have to do something
about these decorations.
You mean to replace them?
No, there's no time for that.
I have to go to the deli
and buy some cheese.
People will be expecting it.
Fill up your beer
for you there, Norm?
No, thanks. I'm not quite
finished with this one.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm full!
Aw, man, that's it.
What's going on
around here today?
Everybody's acting weird.
It's time to give old
Tecumseh a belly rub.
Who's Tecumseh?
There you go.
The old wooden Indian
by the door.
Isn't that Phil?
Where... where is he?
Did you guys move him?
Hmm?
Well...spread out.
We got to find him here, guys.
This is very weird.
I could swear I saw
him here yesterday
and the day before,
and the day before that.
No, no, no.
That was me.
Sammy, he's not here.
Who in his right mind
would want to walk off
with Tecumseh?
ALL: Gary.
Oh, man.
Boy, fun is fun,
and I like being humiliated
as much as the next guy,
but... yeah, but this,
taking Tecumseh,
that...
That crosses the line.
Sammy's right!
He can take Cliffie,
he can strip him naked,
he can paint him green,
tie him up like a shamrock,
drag him through
the streets of Boston,
but this is going too far.
This time...
It's personal.
Hey.
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ah, St. Paddy's Day,
the day St. Patrick drove
the snakes out of Ireland.
Boy, if that isn't the biggest
Freudian dream of all time.
5 more Irish coffees, Woody.
Oh, gosh, I wish Sam would
hurry back from Gary's.
I'm at my wits' end here.
How can you tell?
Hello, duckling.
Sugar pants.
I've been anxiously awaiting
our appointed rendezvous.
Hey, Dr. Crane,
Mrs. Dr. Crane.
So you're here on
your night off, huh?
You have a marvelous
grasp of the obvious.
Well, that's what comes
from working with your hands.
So what are you guys
going to do?
Well, we plan to recreate
our very first liaison.
If memory serves, we began
with a lovely meal at Melville's
and then an after-dinner drink
here, and then we adjourned
to Lilith's tastefully
decorated condominium,
where we engaged in an
evening of lovemaking,
which I might say was
rather...Meaningful,
not to mention sweet and sweaty.
Well, I'm not hungry,
you've had your drink.
I say we jump right to the
final stop on our itinerary.
Do you think the people who live
in that condominium
now would mind?
I don't see why. We're
an attractive couple.
Carla, how come we can't
tell Miss Howe
what Sam's doing to Gary?
Oh, you know her.
She thinks that anything
that destroys property,
costs money,
or wastes time is stupid.
I don't know. She's
got an attitude problem.
Yeah, what is with her?
[SINGING]
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hoo, pow!
Hoo, pow!
Hoo, pow!
Hoo, pow!
Yo, caballeros.
Did you head them off
at the pass?
Oh, yeah.
We just shut down
Gary's Olde Towne Tavern
on one of the busiest
bar nights of the year.
Yeah! Yay! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah, we got padlocks
on all the doors,
front and back. We got
toxic spill warning signs.
We have police tapes
blocking off all the entrances.
People are gonna be afraid
to drive down the streets.
[CHEERING]
And to top it all off,
my friend Normie sent 38 pizzas
over to Gary's house.
Actually, I sent them
over to my house.
So if anyone wants to come over,
come on, we gotta get
to them before Vera,
otherwise we got
nothing left but the crust.
Ho!
Hey!
Morning, everyone.
Norm! Norm! Hey!
What are you up to, Norm?
My ideal weight
if I were 11 feet tall.
So, we have any retaliation
from the old Garmeister?
No, no, no, but that's because
we outsmarted them once again.
We had a man inside
the whole time.
Hey, hey.
Yep. I stood exactly where
Tecumseh stands all night long.
It's given me a new appreciation for
Tecumseh and everything he does for us.
You stood there all night long?
What a stupid thing to do.
Oh, yeah? I stand
there for one night
and you think that's stupid?
He stands there for years
and you rub him for luck.
Who's the stupid one, Carla?
Hey, I hear you guys shut
down Gary's last night.
Oh, now, he started it
when he stole Tecumseh.
You draw first blood like that, you
got to expect anything to happen.
Right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What?
They're bringing Tecumseh back.
Ha ha!
Oh, yeah!
We brought Gary to his knees
and now he's returning
our statue
as a token of surrender!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, good.
Tecumseh's back.
Yep. Gary sent him.
Gary? No,
I had him re-varnished.
Doesn't he look shiny and new?
You want to sign for this, lady?
Sure.
Uh...
Say, Rebecca?
So you mean that...
That Gary had nothing to do
with Tecumseh being missing?
Absolutely not.
Uh-oh.
What's wrong?
We shut down Gary's bar
on one of the busiest
nights of the year.
We did that for
no good reason at all.
What? What
are you talk...
What did you do?
Well, uh...Sweetheart...
You remember this, uh,
treaty you and Gary signed?
Yes.
Gentlemen...
We're at war.
I don't understand
why you guys think it is so cool
to play these stupid
practical jokes?
Honey, it's what keeps
the child in us alive.
Otherwise, we'd be just
mature adults.
Yeah. I'd lie awake at night
worrying about that one.
Listen to me, all of you.
I want you call Gary
right now and apologize
before he gets the idea
of getting even
and blows us to bits with an
all-in-good-fun toilet explosion.
You're right.
There's that attitude.
Apologize. A lot
of good that would do.
Gary just gets meaner
when he smells weakness.
I got to respect the guy.
Well, one thing is clear.
He is going to
retaliate, OK? In fact,
he may have already put
some deadly plan in action.
This beer you just
poured me, Sam,
could be filled with toxins.
So what do we do?
We take our chances.
Hey, Woody, open that door there
and see if Gary's done anything
to the outside
of the bar, will ya?
Snow.
Gary made it snow.
Gary can't make it
snow, grain brain.
Oh, it's a good thing, 'cause
we'd never be able to top that.
Hold it. Hold it. Hold
it. Hold it. Hold it.
He may have planted
somebody in the bar.
Now, you see any strange faces?
Just glance around nonchalantly.
Come on, Gary's
smarter than that.
He knows we'd be on
the lookout for a stranger,
so he'd plant somebody we know.
Yeah. Probably try to turn
one of our own against us.
So the idea is, who do
we suspect the least?
I think it's me.
Aw, come on, Woody!
How could Gary
turn you against us?
I don't know, but if
he can make it snow...
He didn't make
it snow, you idiot!
All right, just calm down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.
Look, I just can't help it, Sam.
It's this waiting.
It's making me crazy.
Hey, you know Gary.
He always retaliates
and with great cruelty and force
and always within 24 hours.
Boy, I really do
respect that guy.
Carla's absolutely right.
Every time that damn door opens,
I keep thinking to myself,
this could be the big one.
Excuse me.
Is the manager here?
Why? Who wants to know?
I'm the fire marshal.
You're due for your
routine 6-month inspection
for safety code violations.
Oh...
Um, well, we're really
glad you're here.
Why don't you have a seat.
Can I take your hat?
Thanks.
Sure.
You probably want to be checking
if this fire extinguisher
is fully operational.
Of course.
OK.
What are you doing?
Well, this hat
is now up to code.
What are you doing?
Well, we're just...
We're just, uh...
Demonstrating
our fire preparedness.
Gentlemen, uh, seltzer drill.
ALL: Seltzer drill!
Hup!
Seltzer drill.
Yo! Whoa! Whoo!
[LAUGHING]
What are you doing?
Ah. You see, these pants
were a tinderbox.
You guys are crazy!
Whoo!
Yeah.
[SINGING]
Whoo!
[SINGING]
Sam, excuse me.
Will you let me know when
the fire marshal gets here?
F-Fire marshal?
Yes. We're due
for our routine
6-month inspection.
Be sure and tell me
when he gets here.
Oh, don't worry. I have
a feeling he'll be in touch.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Guys, guys,
we're going nuts here.
I tell you, man,
it's just sheer luck
that no one was hurt
in this situation,
other than Rebecca.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This might be part
of Gary's master plan.
What? Keep us on
the edge, off balance.
Yeah. Mr. Clavin's right. I think
Gary's probably playing with us,
like a rat with a mouse.
That's a cat and mouse,
Woody. Cat and mouse.
Sam, a cat and a mouse
don't play together.
They're mortal enemies.
They don't even
know the same games.
Think before you speak, Sam.
All right, all right, but
what do we do about Gary?
What are we supposed to do,
just sit here and wait and worry?
Well, what other
choice do we have?
Fail-safe.
What?
Huh?
Sure. Fail-safe.
Our situation here
greatly parallels
that film of the early 1960s
that delighted and
disturbed audiences
of that time.
So your idea is
we schnide ourselves
before Gary does it to us?
Do something to ourselves
to get back
for what we did to Gary?
Oh, that's crazy.
Come on.
No, no.
Wait a minute.
It might convince Gary
not to do anything to us.
We'd be the master
of our own fate.
And, fellas, bottom line is,
we'd be getting it over with.
All right. I buy it.
What do you think?
All right. Sammy's right.
I say we screw ourselves!
Screw ourselves!
Screw ourselves!
Screw ourselves!
Carla, where are Sam and Woody?
Oh, you'll find out soon enough.
Don't worry your flat
little head about it.
You did not answer my question,
and for your information,
my head is not flat.
All right, but it is not little.
Say, Carla, where's
the inner circle?
Oh, Sammy and the
guys had to do something,
but they'll be back soon.
Oh, don't tell me
I missed something.
No, no.
Now, Carla, I expressly
posted my beeper number.
If anything juicy happens,
I'm to be paged.
Frasier, an observation.
You are spending
way too much time here.
So, uh, how was your night off?
Bet you spend a lot of time
worrying about
that kid of yours.
No, not a bit. We had
a wonderful time.
We knew he was in good hands,
so we just sat back and relaxed.
We had a much needed,
healthy night away from him.
That's terrific.
Oh, by the way, your
sitter called and she said
that Frederick
rolled over by himself
for the first time.
What?! And we missed it?
We must be the worst
parents in the world.
Frasier, let's rush home,
fall to our knees
and beg his forgiveness.
I'll never get over this
until the day I die!
New parents... they're
always suckers for that gag.
Well, my friends, we did it.
We've saved the bar.
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Yahoo!
Where's the photographer?
Are you the guys?
No. We are the men!
Now take a photograph
of us in all our glory here.
Gentlemen, step
right up here in a line.
Right. Yeah. There we go.
OK, smile, men. This is
for the Sunday paper.
Fellas, count of 3.
1...
2...
3.
And here we go.
OK, got it.
Thanks, guys.
Hope it grows back.
Doesn't always, you know.
Man, you guys!
You know, when I dreamed
this gag up,
I never thought you were
gonna go through with it.
I just thought you'd get some
rubber skullcaps or something.
Hey, come on, give us a
little credit here, will ya?
When a man has a
dirty job to do, he does it.
Wait a minute. What's
that behind your ear?
Nothing.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, what's that...
Hey, hey!
What the hell?
Guys, we're talking
about my hair here.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah. So?
Without my hair, I'd be just...
Just one of you guys.
Pardon me, Sammy, if that fails
to bring a tear to my eye!
Fellas, I tried to do it, but I
swear to God, man, I love my hair.
All right, fine, listen, if
you got a problem with this,
just step outside right now.
Hang on a second, here, huh?
What are we doing to ourselves?
It's bad enough that Gary
made us look like fools
and now we're fighting
amongst ourselves?
This is not part of the deal.
Yeah, Woody's right.
Thank you, Mr. Peterson.
Now, let's just relax,
shave Sam's head,
and discuss this rationally.
[SHOUTING]
Hey! Get off me!
Hey, guys, listen up, listen
up. I've got great news.
Now, listen, yeah, listen up.
There's no need to
retaliate against ourselves.
What do you mean?
Gary's has been closed
for the last month.
He's in Florida while his
place is being remodeled
and he wasn't open
on St. Patrick's Day.
He doesn't know you guys
did anything to him.
Isn't that a howl?!
This is the worst thing
Gary's ever done.
We have got to teach
Gary a lesson.
He must never do nothing again.
Men, there's only
one thing left to do.
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Get Gary!
First, we shave Sammy!
No, get Gary!
Shave Sammy!
Shave Sammy!
Get Gary! Get Gary!
Get Gary!
Shave Sammy!