Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 20 - Fifty-Fifty Carla - full transcript
Woody's theater group is mounting a production of Hair, and unbeknown to Woody it has a nude scene. Despite everyone in the bar trying to convince him of that fact, he thinks they are all ...
"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.
For tonight?
Yeah. Well, sure. I guess I
can come up with something.
Well, what's the
problem there, Wood?
Well, my theater
group's auditioning
for our spring production. They
want us each to get up and perform.
Hmm.
Got any suggestions?
Why don't you do
a dramatic monologue?
I hear Shakespeare's quite good.
Or perhaps a classic
like Rostand's
"Cyrano de Bergerac."
Well, how about"Richard II?"
"This royal throne of kings,
"this scepter'd isle,
"this earth of majesty,
"this seat of Mars,
"this other Eden...
Demi-paradise..."
And so forth, you know.
All right!
Yes, I essayed the role
at university.
Well, I played Cyrano
in college.
Yeah.
"My soul, be satisfied
with flowers,
"with fruit, with weeds even,
"but gather them
in the one garden
you may call your own."
"This precious stone
set in the silver sea,
"which serves it
in the office of a wall
"or as a moat
defensive to a house,
"against the envy
of less happier lands,
"this blessed plot,
this earth, this realm...
This England."
[ALL CHEERING]
"I am too proud
"to be a parasite.
"And in my nature wants
the germ that grows
"towering to heaven
like the mountain pine,
"or like the oak,
sheltering multitudes.
"I stand, not high it may be,
but alone."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hey, uh, thank you
Mr. Colcord, Dr. Crane.
But I think I'm just going to
go with what I had planned.
What's that, Wood?
This.
♪Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like
to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, guys, I'm in the chorus
of our theater's spring musical.
Hey!
Was it the butt walk
that did it?
Well, it must be.
All the other butt
walkers got in, too.
A guy who could pull his
lower lip up over his nose
got one of the leads.
What's the musical you're doing?
We're dusting off
one of the old classics.
Matter of fact, I got to start
boning up on the period.
Really? I love
the classic musicals.
Which one you doing?
"Oklahoma?" "South pacific?"
No. Something
called, uh,"Hair."
Hey, Dr. Crane,
what was it like
to be alive during the 1960s?
Well, I don't remember
much, Woody.
I was too busy taming the west.
Woody.
Are you really
doing"Hair?" Yeah.
How do you feel about
doing that nude scene?
What are you talking about,
Ms. Howe?
The nude scene.
I was in a production of
"Hair" when I was in college.
There is this very famous scene
where everybody
takes off their clothes.
Come on, Ms. Howe, it's not
like I just fell off the turnip truck.
That happened years ago.
Now back then, I might have
believed this nude scene business.
Actually, I guess I would
have believed anything
after being dragged 300 yards
down a gravel road
into a rosebush.
Jeez, Woody,
do you have any
fond memories of childhood
that you can cling to?
The roses smelled nice.
Woody, I'm not kidding.
There is a nude scene.
There it is, it's right
at the end of act I.
It's a very famous number.
Everybody takes off
all their clothes.
Come on, Ms. Howe, if
everybody gets naked in this thing,
how come they put me
in charge of the costumes?
Ah, got me there, Woody.
Hi, guys.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, how'd the reading
of Eddie's will go?
Well, fine.
It took this long
to read Eddie's will?
Yeah. Well, Eddie named
one of his hockey
buddies executor of the will.
So the whole thing
took awhile. Why?
He forgot where he put it.
Pretty tough on you, huh?
Well, I'm comforted
to know that he left
his other widow Gloria
a hundred bucks.
And I got the rest
of his estate.
Well, that's great.
What did you get?
I got the bill from his funeral,
I got the bill
from his headstone,
and all in all, I ended
up with a big fat nothing.
It sounds like the other widow
made out better than you did.
Well, yes and no.
She got the hundred bucks.
But when she wasn't looking,
I copped her coat.
What do you think? Huh? Huh?
[ALL GROANING]
Hey. Give me back my coat,
or I'm leaving with your pants.
All right, Carla,
give her the coat.
Why are you shaking like that?
You walk all the way
over here in the cold?
I had to. My car keys
were in my coat pocket.
Not anymore, I dropped
them in the nearest mailbox.
You'll get them
in six to eight weeks.
Listen,
if you're still ticked off
about the hundred bucks,
you can choke on it.
It's mine.
Eddie gave it to me.
Look, I slept with the guy.
I made love to him.
I earned at least 50.
Yeah, well, I don't see you giving
me any of the stuff he gave you.
I am perfectly
willing to give you
half of everything
Eddie left me.
That'd be half of his debts
and half of his funeral
and headstone bills,
which should work out to
somewhere in the neighborhood
of 620 bucks.
Here's the 50.
Keep the coat.
Thank you. It's nice
doing business with you.
Well, I know you'd give me
half of whatever Eddie left you.
I would. Absolutely.
My word of honor.
Hey, come on, let's go fish
those keys out of the mailbox.
You know, how do you
break into those things?
Oh. Piece of cake.
First I got to hold you
by the ankles, see? Right.
Hey, Miss Howe, I'm on page
30. No one's gotten nude yet.
Woody, there is a nude scene
in"Hair". No one could miss it.
[GLASS BREAKING]
Oh, no!
Not even Woody.
Sorry, Miss Howe.
I just broke a glass.
I'll clean it up
in a second, all right?
Ha ha. Nude scene.
Oh, hey, Woody,
you dropped your script.
I hope I didn't lose your place.
I think you were right
around this nude scene.
Oh, thanks.
[SCREAMING]
Got any Michelob
down there, Woody?
Checking, Sam.
Wood, how much longer
are you going to keep this up?
Till I get used to it.
Dr. Crane says if I can get
undressed a little bit at a time
in a place where I feel
safe and secure,
then pretty soon,
I can get naked anywhere.
You're making progress,
huh, Wood?
You bet. I mean,
I'm still scared, cold,
and self-conscious
as all get-out,
but I did pick up
an extra 50 in tips.
Hey.
Man.
It's interesting
is, as human beings,
the most evolved species
of the animal kingdom,
we should assign such
Victorian notions
as guilt and shame
to something as beautiful
as the human body.
You know, even Lilith, for example,
still gets undressed in the dark.
Oh, come on.
A woman with all
Lilith's psychiatric training
still has hang-ups about nudity?
Actually, it was my suggestion.
Hi, guys.
How do you like my hair?
Oh, it's just stunning. What,
did you get a new rake?
For your information,
Gloria did my hair,
and I did hers.
Yeah? Where's Gloria now?
She's at the beauty parlor
trying to get some
color back into hers.
I don't know went wrong.
I mean, that stuff worked great
on those old jeans, you know.
You know, Carla, the last time
you and Gloria got together,
the two of you were
at each other's throats.
I mean, all of a sudden,
you're palling around like
you were Mutt and Jeff.
You being Jeff, of course.
We're not exactly
palling around.
She's just staying at my place
until she goes back to Kenosha.
Carla, you got a letter here.
Looks kind of official.
You know what?
I would venture to say
that Carla has
finally found a friend.
It sort of put me in
mind of the relationship
you seem to have
with Cliff, Norm.
Yeah.
Hey, where is he tonight,
anyway?
I don't know.
He said something
about going in the hospital.
Bring me another beer, Sam?
All right, all right!
I'll give him a call,
or I'll stop by,
or I'll ask him about it
when he comes back.
Hey, listen to this, everybody.
Apparently, the ice show
Eddie skated in
had an accidental death policy,
and I'm Eddie's beneficiary,
which is to say that Carla
Lozoponi Tortelli LeBec
is now worth a cool $50,000.
What?!
It means I'm rich, I'm
telling you! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
Sam, I'm rich!
Oh, my God, I'm rich!
I'm rich. Oh!
I can't believe this!
Look at you!
Can you imagine what
you can buy with $25,000?
25? I said 50!
I'm rich!
Come here, you big lug!
I'm rich!
Well, hold it.
The whole point is, honey...
Listen to me.
You made an agreement there
to split the estate with Gloria.
Who?
Gloria.
Gloria?
Yeah.
Oh...
Poor Gloria.
Poor Gloria...
Is not here right now
and must never, ever find out.
Wait a minute, Carla, this
doesn't seem exactly right.
OK, then try this.
Poor Gloria, who
isn't here right now
to see me buy a round of beers
for all my friends.
To poor Gloria!
[ALL CHEERING]
♪ For she's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ which nobody can deny ♪
Carla, another round, please.
Bite my Francis.
♪ For she's
a tightfisted widow ♪
♪ for she's a tightfisted... ♪
Hey, come here, listen.
$50,000 is a lot of money.
You sure you don't want
to split that
with your best pal?
Oh, you mean Gloria?
Look, it's her own fault.
If she'd been here
two minutes ago,
she'd have got a free beer.
Carla, we were all witnesses
when you gave your word of honor
that you'd split
anything he left you 50-50.
My word of honor?
If you don't shut up,
I'll split you 50-50.
Carla, you're getting defensive.
I have a feeling that
maybe deep down inside,
you're beginning to
feel a little bit guilty.
Hey, look, if I feel
guilty, it's my business.
Well, all right, suit yourself.
It's the worst thing a person
can do, keep guilt inside.
Has an insidious way of
bringing itself to the surface.
Sure, what do you think's
going to happen...
Suddenly I'm going
to come down with
a severe case of the shakes?
Yes, exactly my point.
Well, I did it
on purpose, you quack.
Hey, guys.
Here I go.
Off to my dress rehearsal.
[CHUCKLES]
Dress rehearsal.
What bitter irony.
Now listen, Woody,
when you take off your
clothes on that stage,
it's not exhibitionism.
You are becoming a part
of the rich heritage
of the theater.
You're joining a continuum
that stretches back
from Shakespeare
to the Greeks to the Romans
and all the way back into
the endless mists of time.
Gee, I never thought
about it that way, Dr. Crane.
Really? I had.
Well, maybe I am
making too much of this.
You know, it's not like they're
forcing us to take our clothes off.
In fact, the director said that we
only have to take our clothes off
if the spirit moves us.
Well, what's your problem?
You know, we are, after
all, born naked, Woody.
And it's man's natural state.
I mean, you and I are both
naked underneath our clothes.
Dr. Crane,
you're a married man.
Perhaps I'd do better
to have a little chat
with this gentleman here.
Hey, Norm,
did you ever find out
what happened to Cliffie?
Uh, yeah, yeah. It turns out
it was the hospital.
He, uh, had
a little minor surgery.
No big deal. Yeah, he'll
be back in a couple days.
How's he feeling?
I'll tell you what,
he's on the phone there.
Why don't you ask him yourself.
Cliffie, is that you?
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, well...
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I bet it does hurt
to have those things
cauterized, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hi, Carla.
Look, I got my hair back
to its original shade.
Great.
Yeah.
They had stuff left over,
so they did my purse to match.
I got one done for
you, too. Here, catch.
See you back at your house.
Well, that was nice of Gloria.
Now, every time you open your
purse, you can think about her.
Just leave me alone.
I got work to do, OK?
Sam, did we send something
to Woody for opening night?
Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact,
we were going to send him
flowers and candy,
but that's so impersonal.
We sent him
a very nice wristwatch.
A watch?
17 jewels, leather band.
Whoa!
Yeah.
How much did that cost?
Actually, nothing.
We got it out
of the lost and found.
And it had been in there
30 days, OK?
It was under
a lot of stuff, but...
Uh, can we get
a couple beers, Miss?
Yeah, couple beers, Sam.
Coming up here, sweetheart.
How are you feeling, huh?
Fine. Fine. No problem.
Everything is
perfectly OK with me.
Good. There you go.
That'll be three bucks.
Come here.
This has been
going on for a week
and it's not getting any better.
Now I think we all know
why you're shaking like this.
I mean, admit it.
You're walking around
carrying a very big load.
You bet, and I got it
strapped around me in cash.
No. I meant guilt.
Really? Wow, can I see it?
Well, my friends,
you have missed a
once-in-a-lifetime landmark evening
in the history
of community theater.
Did Woody chicken out?
Oh, no, indeed.
Why didn't you stop me,
Mr. Peterson?
Why didn't anybody stop me?
Woody, what happened?
Well, last week during
rehearsal I kept thinking,
"why am I the only one
who's afraid to get naked?
Why am I the only one
who's ashamed?"
So tonight when I got out
in front of that audience,
I ripped off every
stitch of clothing.
And I looked around
and I thought,
"why am I the only one
who's naked?"
Well, maybe nobody
noticed, Wood.
Oh, they noticed, Sam.
As if that wasn't bad enough,
I heard this high-pitched
scream from the audience,
"hey, look. He's the only
one who's naked."
Sorry, Wood.
You took me by surprise.
Well, at least the evening
wasn't a total disaster.
I was really touched by this
nice watch you guys gave me.
I needed one, too.
I lost one just like it
about a month ago.
Can I have a beer?
Yeah. Beer, Sam.
Look at this, Sam.
I don't need
the use of my hands.
I rigged my tray
so I can do my job perfectly.
That's my beer?
Yeah. Take it yourself.
And don't forget my tip.
If you're going to
put it in there that far,
there'd better be
a ring with it.
Well, I'm perfectly OK, Sam.
I think I'm going to make it.
I just have to hang in
there for another three days,
and Gloria will be on
that bus back to Kenosha,
and all my problems
will be solved.
Now wait a minute,
are you saying that
it's her fault
that you're shaking?
Of course she is.
It's all part
of her fiendish plan.
Why would she have
a fiendish plan?
Because she knows all
about the insurance money.
How do you know she knows?
Because she acts like
she doesn't know!
That's how I know she knows.
Do you want to hear an example
of what this cruel woman is
trying to do to break my spirit?
She's being nice.
You know what
she did last night?
She did eight loads of laundry,
and I don't have
a washer and dryer.
Carla.
Carla, what are you doing here?
I told you to stay home today.
I've been worried sick
about the way
you've been shaking.
I want you to go home
right now and get some rest.
I left a pot of minestrone
on the stove.
Are you from hell?
And I don't want you to worry
about missing your pay here,
because I'm going
to finish your shift.
You are from hell.
She is, she's from hell, Sam.
From hell.
Calm down...
No! No! Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
You know about
the money! Admit it!
You know!
I know you know!
Oh, why are you
torturing me like this?
All right, all right,
here it is. Here it is.
Here's half of the 50,000 bucks
from Eddie's insurance money.
Here. Take it!
Eddie had insurance money?
I didn't know that.
Give me that!
Oh, my God.
Oh, the hell with
it. Here. Take it.
Great. I'm not
shaking anymore.
I can go back
to hustling drinks.
Oh, joy.
So that's why you were shaking?
Because your conscience
was bothering you,
and now out of the
goodness of your heart,
you're giving me all this money
even though it's
rightfully yours?
That's right, Gloria.
What a chump.
What?
Just because of
a little shaking.
Huh. No wonder Eddie
wanted another wife.
I don't care what she says.
I know in my heart that
I did the right thing.
Besides, I still got
25,000 bucks. Yeah.
I mean, that can buy a
lot of things, you know?
Yeah, you bet. You know,
I'm proud of you, too.
So what are you
going to buy first?
A big, expensive car,
so the next time I see her,
I can run the slut down.
a live studio audience.
For tonight?
Yeah. Well, sure. I guess I
can come up with something.
Well, what's the
problem there, Wood?
Well, my theater
group's auditioning
for our spring production. They
want us each to get up and perform.
Hmm.
Got any suggestions?
Why don't you do
a dramatic monologue?
I hear Shakespeare's quite good.
Or perhaps a classic
like Rostand's
"Cyrano de Bergerac."
Well, how about"Richard II?"
"This royal throne of kings,
"this scepter'd isle,
"this earth of majesty,
"this seat of Mars,
"this other Eden...
Demi-paradise..."
And so forth, you know.
All right!
Yes, I essayed the role
at university.
Well, I played Cyrano
in college.
Yeah.
"My soul, be satisfied
with flowers,
"with fruit, with weeds even,
"but gather them
in the one garden
you may call your own."
"This precious stone
set in the silver sea,
"which serves it
in the office of a wall
"or as a moat
defensive to a house,
"against the envy
of less happier lands,
"this blessed plot,
this earth, this realm...
This England."
[ALL CHEERING]
"I am too proud
"to be a parasite.
"And in my nature wants
the germ that grows
"towering to heaven
like the mountain pine,
"or like the oak,
sheltering multitudes.
"I stand, not high it may be,
but alone."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hey, uh, thank you
Mr. Colcord, Dr. Crane.
But I think I'm just going to
go with what I had planned.
What's that, Wood?
This.
♪Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like
to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, guys, I'm in the chorus
of our theater's spring musical.
Hey!
Was it the butt walk
that did it?
Well, it must be.
All the other butt
walkers got in, too.
A guy who could pull his
lower lip up over his nose
got one of the leads.
What's the musical you're doing?
We're dusting off
one of the old classics.
Matter of fact, I got to start
boning up on the period.
Really? I love
the classic musicals.
Which one you doing?
"Oklahoma?" "South pacific?"
No. Something
called, uh,"Hair."
Hey, Dr. Crane,
what was it like
to be alive during the 1960s?
Well, I don't remember
much, Woody.
I was too busy taming the west.
Woody.
Are you really
doing"Hair?" Yeah.
How do you feel about
doing that nude scene?
What are you talking about,
Ms. Howe?
The nude scene.
I was in a production of
"Hair" when I was in college.
There is this very famous scene
where everybody
takes off their clothes.
Come on, Ms. Howe, it's not
like I just fell off the turnip truck.
That happened years ago.
Now back then, I might have
believed this nude scene business.
Actually, I guess I would
have believed anything
after being dragged 300 yards
down a gravel road
into a rosebush.
Jeez, Woody,
do you have any
fond memories of childhood
that you can cling to?
The roses smelled nice.
Woody, I'm not kidding.
There is a nude scene.
There it is, it's right
at the end of act I.
It's a very famous number.
Everybody takes off
all their clothes.
Come on, Ms. Howe, if
everybody gets naked in this thing,
how come they put me
in charge of the costumes?
Ah, got me there, Woody.
Hi, guys.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, how'd the reading
of Eddie's will go?
Well, fine.
It took this long
to read Eddie's will?
Yeah. Well, Eddie named
one of his hockey
buddies executor of the will.
So the whole thing
took awhile. Why?
He forgot where he put it.
Pretty tough on you, huh?
Well, I'm comforted
to know that he left
his other widow Gloria
a hundred bucks.
And I got the rest
of his estate.
Well, that's great.
What did you get?
I got the bill from his funeral,
I got the bill
from his headstone,
and all in all, I ended
up with a big fat nothing.
It sounds like the other widow
made out better than you did.
Well, yes and no.
She got the hundred bucks.
But when she wasn't looking,
I copped her coat.
What do you think? Huh? Huh?
[ALL GROANING]
Hey. Give me back my coat,
or I'm leaving with your pants.
All right, Carla,
give her the coat.
Why are you shaking like that?
You walk all the way
over here in the cold?
I had to. My car keys
were in my coat pocket.
Not anymore, I dropped
them in the nearest mailbox.
You'll get them
in six to eight weeks.
Listen,
if you're still ticked off
about the hundred bucks,
you can choke on it.
It's mine.
Eddie gave it to me.
Look, I slept with the guy.
I made love to him.
I earned at least 50.
Yeah, well, I don't see you giving
me any of the stuff he gave you.
I am perfectly
willing to give you
half of everything
Eddie left me.
That'd be half of his debts
and half of his funeral
and headstone bills,
which should work out to
somewhere in the neighborhood
of 620 bucks.
Here's the 50.
Keep the coat.
Thank you. It's nice
doing business with you.
Well, I know you'd give me
half of whatever Eddie left you.
I would. Absolutely.
My word of honor.
Hey, come on, let's go fish
those keys out of the mailbox.
You know, how do you
break into those things?
Oh. Piece of cake.
First I got to hold you
by the ankles, see? Right.
Hey, Miss Howe, I'm on page
30. No one's gotten nude yet.
Woody, there is a nude scene
in"Hair". No one could miss it.
[GLASS BREAKING]
Oh, no!
Not even Woody.
Sorry, Miss Howe.
I just broke a glass.
I'll clean it up
in a second, all right?
Ha ha. Nude scene.
Oh, hey, Woody,
you dropped your script.
I hope I didn't lose your place.
I think you were right
around this nude scene.
Oh, thanks.
[SCREAMING]
Got any Michelob
down there, Woody?
Checking, Sam.
Wood, how much longer
are you going to keep this up?
Till I get used to it.
Dr. Crane says if I can get
undressed a little bit at a time
in a place where I feel
safe and secure,
then pretty soon,
I can get naked anywhere.
You're making progress,
huh, Wood?
You bet. I mean,
I'm still scared, cold,
and self-conscious
as all get-out,
but I did pick up
an extra 50 in tips.
Hey.
Man.
It's interesting
is, as human beings,
the most evolved species
of the animal kingdom,
we should assign such
Victorian notions
as guilt and shame
to something as beautiful
as the human body.
You know, even Lilith, for example,
still gets undressed in the dark.
Oh, come on.
A woman with all
Lilith's psychiatric training
still has hang-ups about nudity?
Actually, it was my suggestion.
Hi, guys.
How do you like my hair?
Oh, it's just stunning. What,
did you get a new rake?
For your information,
Gloria did my hair,
and I did hers.
Yeah? Where's Gloria now?
She's at the beauty parlor
trying to get some
color back into hers.
I don't know went wrong.
I mean, that stuff worked great
on those old jeans, you know.
You know, Carla, the last time
you and Gloria got together,
the two of you were
at each other's throats.
I mean, all of a sudden,
you're palling around like
you were Mutt and Jeff.
You being Jeff, of course.
We're not exactly
palling around.
She's just staying at my place
until she goes back to Kenosha.
Carla, you got a letter here.
Looks kind of official.
You know what?
I would venture to say
that Carla has
finally found a friend.
It sort of put me in
mind of the relationship
you seem to have
with Cliff, Norm.
Yeah.
Hey, where is he tonight,
anyway?
I don't know.
He said something
about going in the hospital.
Bring me another beer, Sam?
All right, all right!
I'll give him a call,
or I'll stop by,
or I'll ask him about it
when he comes back.
Hey, listen to this, everybody.
Apparently, the ice show
Eddie skated in
had an accidental death policy,
and I'm Eddie's beneficiary,
which is to say that Carla
Lozoponi Tortelli LeBec
is now worth a cool $50,000.
What?!
It means I'm rich, I'm
telling you! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
Sam, I'm rich!
Oh, my God, I'm rich!
I'm rich. Oh!
I can't believe this!
Look at you!
Can you imagine what
you can buy with $25,000?
25? I said 50!
I'm rich!
Come here, you big lug!
I'm rich!
Well, hold it.
The whole point is, honey...
Listen to me.
You made an agreement there
to split the estate with Gloria.
Who?
Gloria.
Gloria?
Yeah.
Oh...
Poor Gloria.
Poor Gloria...
Is not here right now
and must never, ever find out.
Wait a minute, Carla, this
doesn't seem exactly right.
OK, then try this.
Poor Gloria, who
isn't here right now
to see me buy a round of beers
for all my friends.
To poor Gloria!
[ALL CHEERING]
♪ For she's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ which nobody can deny ♪
Carla, another round, please.
Bite my Francis.
♪ For she's
a tightfisted widow ♪
♪ for she's a tightfisted... ♪
Hey, come here, listen.
$50,000 is a lot of money.
You sure you don't want
to split that
with your best pal?
Oh, you mean Gloria?
Look, it's her own fault.
If she'd been here
two minutes ago,
she'd have got a free beer.
Carla, we were all witnesses
when you gave your word of honor
that you'd split
anything he left you 50-50.
My word of honor?
If you don't shut up,
I'll split you 50-50.
Carla, you're getting defensive.
I have a feeling that
maybe deep down inside,
you're beginning to
feel a little bit guilty.
Hey, look, if I feel
guilty, it's my business.
Well, all right, suit yourself.
It's the worst thing a person
can do, keep guilt inside.
Has an insidious way of
bringing itself to the surface.
Sure, what do you think's
going to happen...
Suddenly I'm going
to come down with
a severe case of the shakes?
Yes, exactly my point.
Well, I did it
on purpose, you quack.
Hey, guys.
Here I go.
Off to my dress rehearsal.
[CHUCKLES]
Dress rehearsal.
What bitter irony.
Now listen, Woody,
when you take off your
clothes on that stage,
it's not exhibitionism.
You are becoming a part
of the rich heritage
of the theater.
You're joining a continuum
that stretches back
from Shakespeare
to the Greeks to the Romans
and all the way back into
the endless mists of time.
Gee, I never thought
about it that way, Dr. Crane.
Really? I had.
Well, maybe I am
making too much of this.
You know, it's not like they're
forcing us to take our clothes off.
In fact, the director said that we
only have to take our clothes off
if the spirit moves us.
Well, what's your problem?
You know, we are, after
all, born naked, Woody.
And it's man's natural state.
I mean, you and I are both
naked underneath our clothes.
Dr. Crane,
you're a married man.
Perhaps I'd do better
to have a little chat
with this gentleman here.
Hey, Norm,
did you ever find out
what happened to Cliffie?
Uh, yeah, yeah. It turns out
it was the hospital.
He, uh, had
a little minor surgery.
No big deal. Yeah, he'll
be back in a couple days.
How's he feeling?
I'll tell you what,
he's on the phone there.
Why don't you ask him yourself.
Cliffie, is that you?
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, well...
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I bet it does hurt
to have those things
cauterized, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hi, Carla.
Look, I got my hair back
to its original shade.
Great.
Yeah.
They had stuff left over,
so they did my purse to match.
I got one done for
you, too. Here, catch.
See you back at your house.
Well, that was nice of Gloria.
Now, every time you open your
purse, you can think about her.
Just leave me alone.
I got work to do, OK?
Sam, did we send something
to Woody for opening night?
Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact,
we were going to send him
flowers and candy,
but that's so impersonal.
We sent him
a very nice wristwatch.
A watch?
17 jewels, leather band.
Whoa!
Yeah.
How much did that cost?
Actually, nothing.
We got it out
of the lost and found.
And it had been in there
30 days, OK?
It was under
a lot of stuff, but...
Uh, can we get
a couple beers, Miss?
Yeah, couple beers, Sam.
Coming up here, sweetheart.
How are you feeling, huh?
Fine. Fine. No problem.
Everything is
perfectly OK with me.
Good. There you go.
That'll be three bucks.
Come here.
This has been
going on for a week
and it's not getting any better.
Now I think we all know
why you're shaking like this.
I mean, admit it.
You're walking around
carrying a very big load.
You bet, and I got it
strapped around me in cash.
No. I meant guilt.
Really? Wow, can I see it?
Well, my friends,
you have missed a
once-in-a-lifetime landmark evening
in the history
of community theater.
Did Woody chicken out?
Oh, no, indeed.
Why didn't you stop me,
Mr. Peterson?
Why didn't anybody stop me?
Woody, what happened?
Well, last week during
rehearsal I kept thinking,
"why am I the only one
who's afraid to get naked?
Why am I the only one
who's ashamed?"
So tonight when I got out
in front of that audience,
I ripped off every
stitch of clothing.
And I looked around
and I thought,
"why am I the only one
who's naked?"
Well, maybe nobody
noticed, Wood.
Oh, they noticed, Sam.
As if that wasn't bad enough,
I heard this high-pitched
scream from the audience,
"hey, look. He's the only
one who's naked."
Sorry, Wood.
You took me by surprise.
Well, at least the evening
wasn't a total disaster.
I was really touched by this
nice watch you guys gave me.
I needed one, too.
I lost one just like it
about a month ago.
Can I have a beer?
Yeah. Beer, Sam.
Look at this, Sam.
I don't need
the use of my hands.
I rigged my tray
so I can do my job perfectly.
That's my beer?
Yeah. Take it yourself.
And don't forget my tip.
If you're going to
put it in there that far,
there'd better be
a ring with it.
Well, I'm perfectly OK, Sam.
I think I'm going to make it.
I just have to hang in
there for another three days,
and Gloria will be on
that bus back to Kenosha,
and all my problems
will be solved.
Now wait a minute,
are you saying that
it's her fault
that you're shaking?
Of course she is.
It's all part
of her fiendish plan.
Why would she have
a fiendish plan?
Because she knows all
about the insurance money.
How do you know she knows?
Because she acts like
she doesn't know!
That's how I know she knows.
Do you want to hear an example
of what this cruel woman is
trying to do to break my spirit?
She's being nice.
You know what
she did last night?
She did eight loads of laundry,
and I don't have
a washer and dryer.
Carla.
Carla, what are you doing here?
I told you to stay home today.
I've been worried sick
about the way
you've been shaking.
I want you to go home
right now and get some rest.
I left a pot of minestrone
on the stove.
Are you from hell?
And I don't want you to worry
about missing your pay here,
because I'm going
to finish your shift.
You are from hell.
She is, she's from hell, Sam.
From hell.
Calm down...
No! No! Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
You know about
the money! Admit it!
You know!
I know you know!
Oh, why are you
torturing me like this?
All right, all right,
here it is. Here it is.
Here's half of the 50,000 bucks
from Eddie's insurance money.
Here. Take it!
Eddie had insurance money?
I didn't know that.
Give me that!
Oh, my God.
Oh, the hell with
it. Here. Take it.
Great. I'm not
shaking anymore.
I can go back
to hustling drinks.
Oh, joy.
So that's why you were shaking?
Because your conscience
was bothering you,
and now out of the
goodness of your heart,
you're giving me all this money
even though it's
rightfully yours?
That's right, Gloria.
What a chump.
What?
Just because of
a little shaking.
Huh. No wonder Eddie
wanted another wife.
I don't care what she says.
I know in my heart that
I did the right thing.
Besides, I still got
25,000 bucks. Yeah.
I mean, that can buy a
lot of things, you know?
Yeah, you bet. You know,
I'm proud of you, too.
So what are you
going to buy first?
A big, expensive car,
so the next time I see her,
I can run the slut down.