Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 18 - Severe Crane Damage - full transcript

CLIFF: "Cheers" is filmed
before a live studio audience.

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

♪ we will, we will rock you ♪

♪ we will, we will rock you ♪

♪ we will, we will rock you ♪

♪ we will, we will rock you ♪

♪ makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪



♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Woody, could I have a
glass of water there, please?

You got a headache,
Mr. Clavin?

No. Just trying to clear up a
little rash on my lower back.



Doc says it's stress-related.

You sure he didn't say
diaper-related?

Cliffie, you're stressing out,
huh? What's the deal, buddy?

Ah, it's just job-related.
You know how it is.

Oh, I thought you just
delivered the mail.

Woody, Woody, Woody,
A.K.A. Joe Public.

You have got no idea what it's
like out there in postman's hell.

Illegible handwriting,
parcels badly taped...

Boy, you can't even
peek in a window anymore

without people
going crazy on you.

But still, where would we all be

if your mailman
just disappeared on you?

Probably just all fax things.

That way, everything would
get there faster, cheaper,

and a lot more efficiently.

Some more water there, Woody.

Hello, fellow denizens.

Hey, Fras.
How you doing?

Oh, my, Lilith,
you look beautiful.

Yeah, Lilith. You look
like a million bucks.

Thank you.

You didn't let me finish.

You look like a million bucks
just stampeded across your face.

Carla, I hope
you don't forget us

when you become
president of Hallmark.

All right now, everyone.
Pay attention.

I have a little announcement to
make, and I only have a minute.

In a hurry?

No. I was referring

to your relatively
short attention spans.

Lilith has authored a new
book. It hits the stands today.

Oh, congratulations.
That's great.

You just had a baby. When did
you have time to write a book?

Well, actually, I've been
hacking away at it for years,

but I was finally able
to polish it off

during my 15 months
of pregnancy.

Oh, yes. Took years of
painstaking, high-level research.

It's called
"good girls, bad boys."

Isn't that cute?

That was my editor's idea.

I wanted to call it

"a cross-sectional study
of control-group females

"with a tendency
towards self-destruction

"vis-a-vis
damaging relationships

with members
of the opposite sex."

Oh, brother, not
another one of those.

Yes, but, you see, my particular
slant is that many women

are drawn to men
who are bad for them,

those who represent danger.

Then, once they outgrow
that need,

they're free to make
the mature choice

and live out their lives with
upstanding, substantial men.

Not unlike my Frasier-doodle.

So what you're saying is
that once guys like Sammy

are done sucking
the juice out of babes,

they can toss the shriveled
husks to guys like Frasier.

In a nutshell, yes.

But my darling will
explain it all in further detail

on live television
this very afternoon.

Oh, you're going to be on TV.

Yes, some local women's
talk show on channel 13.

"Teatime with Brenda."
That airs at 3:30.

Cliffie, you watch

the afternoon
women's talk shows, huh?

I might have caught
a glimpse of it, you know,

as I was jumping through the channels
between "combat" and the playboy channel.

Woody, could I have another
glass of water, please?

Of course, I have my doubts

about appearing on a program
of such a commercial nature.

Lilith, this is a highly
respected Socratic format

for the exchange and
dissemination of ideas.

Besides, you know, that lady
that dresses the parakeets

is going to be on.

Well, I'll be
watching you, Lilith.

You break a leg, all right?

Well, you know, Sam, as the guest's
husband, I have two tickets to the show.

I was hoping maybe you'd come
along and help me cheer Lilith on.

Oh, I don't think I want to
be sitting in that audience.

What? Is your
masculinity threatened

by an audience
full of women, huh?

No, it's not that.

Please. I don't want
to be the only boy.

Thanks.

Well, if you'll escort my
little starlet out to the car,

I will meet you momentarily.

You know how in
those shows sometimes

they have that big opening shot
of the audience?

I just want to head to the
men's room, check my hair.

I already checked.
It's not in there.

Hey, whoa, Cliffie. Slow
down on those things, buddy.

Are you sure they're safe?

Yeah, of course
they're safe. Prescription.

Yeah, but you...

Can't be sure, you know.

I mean, it says here, "may
cause dullness of the senses."

We better check his reflexes.

Where's that ball-peen hammer?

"May cause
gynecomastia."

What the hell's that?

I don't know.
Let me see it.

Hey, doc. What's,
uh... Gynecomastia?

Oh, male breast enlargement.

Doc, uh...I've been
taking these pills here.

Oh, well, Cliff,
you'll be all right.

You'd have to take five times
the prescribed amount here

to even begin to...Well,
shall we say, blossom.

Boy, that really steams me.

I mean, you go to some quack
who gives you a prescription

for a simple skin condition,

and you find out you might
turn into a woman.

God, I'm so angry, I could cry.

That time of the month.

Ladies, let's hear it for Gloria
Diefenbach and little bluebell

as honest Abraham Lincoln.

Now, then,
are we really attracted

to men who are bad for us?

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane's
new book,

"good girls, bad boys,"
will tell us.

Ladies, let's pour a cup of tea

for Dr. Lilith
Sternin-Crane.

Dr. Sternin-Crane,
welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Now, Dr. Sternin-Crane,
what is it with these bad boys?

I mean, why are we women
such pushovers for them?

Well, before
addressing motivation,

I'd like to lay
a basis for discussion

by explaining
my data-gathering techniques

and statistical overview
of my control-group females.

Well, we don't want to
give away all the surprises.

Now, I noticed your book
was dedicated to your husband.

Is he a bad boy?

Quite the opposite.

In fact, that would be him
sitting right over there

with his hands folded
neatly on his lap.

I think we could all see

that your husband is the
kind of man we should want.

I think so, yes.

Then why don't we?

Well, according to my thesis,
women, as they evolve,

will eventually
seek out a relationship

such as mine and Frasier's.

You mean a relationship
that's stable and secure...

Like a comfortable old shoe?

Well...yes.

Who's that sitting
with your husband?

Another comfortable old shoe?

No. That's
a friend of ours.

Coincidentally,
the perfect example

of the classic bad boy.

My...

This is too interesting
to pass up.

Would you two gentlemen like
to join us up here on the stage?

How about it?

Yeah, well...

Lilith, why don't you
introduce us to the men?

Well, this is Sam,

an uncommitted,
sexually active male.

Ooh!
Ooh!

And this is my husband Frasier,

committed to monogamy
and a good little lover.

Thank you, dear.
Thank you.

Well, let's get to know
the boys.

First let's start
with our bad boy.

Sam, just so we can
picture this,

what could a woman expect
from an evening with you?

Ha ha.

I don't think I can
say that on TV, Brenda.

Why not?

Well, because basically...

Ooh.

You're the one who
should write a book.

Frasier, how would
a date with you go?

Brenda, I find this line
of inquiry sensationalistic

and not at all
pertinent to my thesis.

Oh, no, that's all right, dear.

I think I'd like
to answer the question.

Well, a date with me
would, I'd say,

be jolly good fun.

Ironically, actually,
I might add,

that I used to date, actually,
an old girlfriend of Sam's.

So she preferred
you to Sam. Oh, yes.

Well, uh...That is, until
she broke up with me

and got engaged...
To Sam.

You know, I'd like to add in my
defense, the woman was nuts.

Well, all right,
we've met the men.

Let's put Dr. Sternin-Crane's
thesis to the test.

How many of us would
like to sleep with Sam?

And how many of you would
like to sleep with Frasier?

In the back row.

Sam, we know you're bad for us.

Why do we want you so darn much?

Is it because you're
forbidden, untamable?

You know, I think some girl
could probably tame me.

For example, that blonde
in the third row there.

No, no, nix that.

Let's give the whole
third row a shot at it.

What about the second row?

One row at a time, ladies.

Ladies, look, let's keep
this a civilized discussion.

If you have points to make,

we'll take them in an
orderly fashion. Yes.

I have a question
of a more serious nature.

Oh, good.

What does Sam look like
with his shirt off?

Shirt! Shirt!
Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

Ladies, please. Let's
get hold of ourselves.

This is the perfect example
of what a bad boy like Sam

can do to a room full of good
girls like these fine women.

One can't help
but be attracted to

his steely glance
and the strength therein,

to imagine the warmth
of his skin

pressed against ours,

his arms pinning us down
so we can't move.

One sees his full lips

and imagines what they must
feel like slightly moist...

Tugging at ours.

Before long, one's
feeling a little dizzy,

and, oh, for God's sake,
Sam, let the buttons fly.

I got to warn you, ladies.
I'm a pretty bad boy.

I'm going out
with you at 10:00,

and I'm going out
with you at 12:00,

and they both know.

Do something else bad.

No.
Why not?

'Cause you want me to.

Thank you, thank you.

Besides, you know, starting
tomorrow, I'm going to be a good boy.

Aw!
Aw!

I'm just lying. Boy,
is that bad, or what?

Lie to me, lie to me.

All right, sure.

Hey, good show,
Dr. Crane.

Yeah, except for they cut to a commercial
right before it started getting good, you know.

Right when your wife was about
to pants Sammy with her teeth.

I just couldn't believe that
that group got so excited.

It was such idiotic behavior and
all because of Lilith's stupid book.

Wait a minute. I thought
you liked Lilith's book.

Oh, I did till I reread it
with a scientific eye

and the impartiality
of a fellow empiricist,

and I decided it's pure crap.

Where's
Dr. Sternin-Crane now?

Oh, probably at home...

Working on pure crap,
volume two.

What are you doing,
Dr. Crane?

Just compiling some notes
for a book of my own.

Oh, now, you're not jealous
of Lilith here, are you?

Norm, please.
Give me some credit.

I've been planning
to do this for years.

"'Nice psychiatrists
who marry castrating,"

"shrew, battle-ax,
harridan fishwives.'"

so what's it about?

Excuse me, Rebecca,

may I have your honest
opinion about something

you know, as a woman who has
fatally bad taste in men?

Do you think
I'm a...Good boy?

Frasier, you have to stop
doing this to yourself.

Why do you feel inferior to Sam
just because you're good?

You know, I agree with
that talk-show host.

Give me a comfortable pair of
old ratty house slippers any day.

So that's how it is.

Now I'm a pair of
ratty old house slippers.

At least this afternoon,
I was an old shoe.

You could wear me outside,
maybe do a little gardening.

Frasier, I did not
mean to imply...

You think I can't be dangerous?

Is that it? You all think
I'm just an old slipper?

Well, am I a good boy?

Would a good boy do this?

I am running with scissors.

I'm going swimming
right after lunch.

I'm leaving now.
I'm going outside.

I'm going to pet strange dogs,

no matter where they've been.

Look out, world,

Frasier Crane's
going to raise some hell.

Frasier's helped each and
every of us at one point or another.

Now he's going out to do
something he just may regret.

I think we should try to do

exactly what we always hoped
Frasier would do in the same situation.

What's that?
Mind our own business.

Good call,
Mr. Peterson.

Hey, pet him if you
want to, Frasier,

but you don't know
where he's been.

I'm telling you, it's only
a hundred times faster.

What are you talking about? It's
got to be a thousand times faster.

What's this, a discussion
on the bullet train?

No, fax machine
versus the mailman.

Glass of water there,
please, Woody.

What are you looking at?

What? What are you
talking about?

I saw you casting furtive,
sidelong glances

at my chestal region.

And I'll have you know, it's
no larger than it was yesterday.

And I don't want to hear any
more about it. Cliff, please.

We'd forgotten all about
that stupid side-effect stuff.

Oh, Clavin, it's Jane Russell.
She wants to talk shop.

Come on, you guys.

Why do you have to
pick on Cliff all the time?

He's a nice man.

And if he's worried about the
side effects of some medication,

I think we could be
sensitive to his concerns.

It's very nice of you, Rebecca, but
you don't have to come to my defense.

No, I want to do this.

Why does Cliff always have to
be the butt of our stupid jokes?

You know, Cliff, I went through
a very similar situation myself.

Really?

Yes, I did. I was taking the exact
same medication for a skin problem,

and it cleared up beautifully.

I just hope that puts
your mind at ease.

Well, it does that,
and I thank you.

So when did all this
happen to you?

It was years ago.

I was just a little
boy at the time.

Has anyone seen Frasier? He
canceled an 8:30 appointment.

Wow, he sees patients at night.

No. We were going to make
love to celebrate my new book.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he
was in here a couple hours ago.

He ran out pretty upset, too.

Oh, it's all my fault.

My behavior this afternoon
was unspeakable.

I embarrassed myself,
and even worse,

I humiliated the man I love
in front of thousands of people.

I will never,
ever forgive myself.

I saw you on TV today.
You were terrific.

Oh, thank you very much. Sure.

I'm telling you, Sam, if anything
happens to Frasier because of this,

I will never,
never forgive myself.

I hope he didn't go do
something foolish.

Rebecca, can I use
your office phone?

I've got to call the hospitals
and emergency rooms.

Boy, I've never seen
Lilith that upset.

I think she's overreacting.

I mean, what kind of trouble

could a weenie guy
like Frasier get into, anyway?

[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE ROARS]

Come on in, viper.
Meet the gang.

Gang, this is viper.

My real name is Ellen.

He just likes to call me viper.

She likes to call me slash.

That's right, Frasier.

So where did you two meet?

Well, actually, truth be told,

viper kind of picked me up.

Yeah. He was crossing against
the light and slipped on an icy patch.

Darn near split my pants.

Could I speak to you
for a second?

What are you, nuts? What
the hell are you doing?

Sam, I am simply expressing
my inner gonzo self.

Viper's the perfect kind
of girl for me.

She's wild, she's free.

Hair smells of Pennzoil
in the summer.

You know, Ms. Viper, I used
to belong to a bikers' gang.

Really?
What kind of bike?

Schwinn.

3-speed, banana seat.

Boy, Frasier, you were
right when you said,

"next stop... Dweebville."

Yeah. This is
state headquarters.

Come on. It's time for us
to hit the road.

Yeah, from now on, this
is the kind of life I'm living.

Out on the highway doing 180
miles an hour with bugs in our teeth.

So, where we heading?

Florida.

Florida? That's far.

Yeah. So what?

You love riding the bike,

barreling down the highway

with the wind
screaming in our ears.

Well, kind of a confession
to make, viper.

That wasn't the wind screaming
in your ears. That was me.

I should have guessed that.

It was the first time

I heard the wind
scream the Lord's Prayer.

Besides, I've already missed one
appointment with Lilith to make love.

I'll be lucky
if I get another one.

Who's Lilith?

My wife.

Somebody married you?

Well, not somebody.

A woman whom I respect and love.

A woman with the intelligence to
realize that the measure of a man

is not how many studs you've
got on your leather jacket

or how many women
you've been bad to.

The measure of a man is how
much love and comfort you've given.

You're getting dull
on me, slash.

Listen, viper, if caring
for the one you love,

if caring for your children,

if paying attention
to your career and home,

if these things be dull,

then may I be the dullest
man who ever lived.

You are, Frasier.
You are.

Viper, I'm sorry, you're gonna
have to go to Florida on your own.

So you're just blowing me off?

Well, I'm sorry, viper.

But I'll always remember the
good times we had on the bike,

even after my kidneys
fall back into place.

Come, Frasier, let's go
keep that appointment.

You're rescheduling
me? It must be love.