Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 19 - Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Friends, congratulate me.

I've just had my first 3
consecutive hours of sleep

since I became a father.

Lilith's been making
you get up with the baby

at night when it cries, huh?

Well, being a progressive
couple, we actually take turns,

but last night, as she
was gently nudging me

with one of her serrated elbows,

I fell back
on the old yoga trick

of lowering my heart rate,



holding my breath,

and staring blankly
as though I was dead.

And that worked?

Nope. Didn't buy it
for a minute.

See, I'd forgotten it was she

that taught me that trick
during our honeymoon.

You know, this, uh, getting up

in the middle of the night
with a crying baby stuff,

that's... that's the reason
I never had kids.

That's the only
reason, huh, Cliff?

Well, and the fact
that my mother taught me

to have a healthy respect

for the evils
of overpopulation, Normie.

Yeah, you know what? I can still
remember her looking at me and saying,



"for the love of God,
Cliffy, let it stop with you."

♪ Making your way
in the world today

takes everything you've got

taking a break
from all your worries,

sure would help a lot,

wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

where everybody knows your name,

and they're
always glad you came,

you wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the same,

you wanna be where
everybody knows your name

you wanna go where people know,

people are all the same,

you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

OK, people,

I've got a special day
planned with Robin,

so, I'm leaving the bar
in your control.

I want everything ship-shape.

Carla, straighten up your apron.

Woody, fix your hair.

Sam, stop fixing your hair.

Robin will be by shortly

and he's taking the day off.

Oh, how nice for you.

Nice? Ha!

I don't think you understand

the significance of this.

Men like Robin Colcord
do not take days off.

He had to shift appointments,

put off deals,
cancel plane flights.

When a man like Robin
takes a day off,

it is a major commitment.

Well, for me,
it's a way of life.

So, I guess
this is some kind of honor,

him hanging out with you

instead of his other babe.

You know, the chick
from the French consulate.

That chick is in Paris
being debriefed.

Oh, I thought Robin
was in charge of that.

You know, I am really
not jealous of her.

I don't care.
I am winning.

It is obvious he prefers me.

And he's never taken
a whole day off

with Jeanne Marie.
Oh?

Maybe she has a real job.

So, what do you plan on doing?

Oh, nothing special.

We're just going
to play it by ear,

go with the flow.

Hey, Miss Howe,

I've finished ironing
your wardrobe for the day.

Why didn't you tell me the
iron has a spray setting?

I got all dried out

spitting on your clothes.

Thank you, Woody.

So, what's all this?

Today, Robin and I

are going to live out

every fantasy I've ever had,

and I want to be
properly attired.

So, this is for the beach,

walking hand-in-hand,

picnic in the park,
paddle boats,

zoo,

seventh row,
phantom of the opera,

and this is for the end

of a romantic evening.

You're planning on locking
your keys in your car, Miss Howe?

Yes, Woody.

Well, you've gone
to a lot of trouble.

How long you been planning this?

Since my first day of puberty.

Ah, pubescence,

an emotional time.

I don't mind saying

that puberty was one
long nightmare for me.

How's that, Cliff?

Ma wouldn't allow it
in the house.

Well, on the lovely array of
images that brings to mind,

I'm going to adjourn
to the back room.

I'm ready for a game of darts

if anybody's man enough.

Sorry, I'm busy.

Uh, ahem, I will, uh,

I'll play you for a beer.

Oh, you want to make
a little wager, huh?

No, no. If you buy
me a beer, I'll play you.

Sam? Set up
my friend Norm here.

Hello, Rebecca.

Hi, sweet baby.

Mmm.

Are you ready for
the most relaxing,

exciting day of your life?

I most certainly am.

I just have to
make one phone call first.

Well, it isn't business, is it?

On my day off?

Ha! Certainly not.

Ah, yes. This is,
uh, Colcord.

Give me 5,000 shares of
Metronix International.

Robin...

Oh, yes. Well, I'll call
you later, Aunt Beryl.

God bless.

So, uh, what would you
like to do today?

OK, I'd like to go to the beach,

then I'd like to go
paddle boating,

to the zoo...

Oh, yes. Your first
day of puberty dream.

It had slipped my mind.

Let's be off, eh?

Yeah, I'll get ready.

I have to get into
my beachcombing outfit.

Oh, and here's yours.

Right here.

And... and here...

Is a little terry-cloth
cap for you to wear.

No.

Fine.

Hey, Mr. Colcord,
I think it's great

that you're taking a day off.

You know, back in Hanover,

we used to always
take Sundays off.

Yeah, me and the family used
to dress in our best clothes,

we'd sit in the parlor,

and read from the good book.

Then afterward, me and my
brother would go out to the barn

and read from a bad book.

I love Sundays.

Well, I whupped 'em both.

Oh, yeah, Frasier.

You definitely threw the one

that came closest
to the dartboard.

Well, what's that unusual taste?

Ah, yes...

Sour grapes. Ha ha ha!

So, does anybody else
wish to snatch

the laurels of victory
from my brow?

Well, something's got to cover

that beach you call a forehead.

Mr. Colcord.

You English guys, you
play darts a lot, don't you?

Oh, yes, we English do
nothing but sit around in pubs,

sipping thick, warm ale,

throwing darts incessantly,

dropping our Hs,

and singing God Save the Queen.

That's all we do in England.

Wow, that film strip
they showed in junior high

was right on the money.

I'm...sorry I snapped.

It's, um, not
because of you people.

It's this business of, um,
sitting around all day,

doing nothing.

Gets on my nerves, you know.

Or, um...

Maybe it is you people.

So, darts. Who
shall I thrash first?

Well, I'll play you for a beer.

Oh, a little wager.

Hmm.
Not exactly. No.

That guy is so damn arrogant.

Yep. He likes
his beer, too.

No, I was talking about Robin.

Yeah, but you must admit

Mr. Peterson can
cop an attitude.

You know, I hope Normie

just knocks him down
a peg or two.

Yeah, well, we all know

that Norm isn't the
best darts player

in the bar.

And we all know who
is, don't we, Sammy?

I'm fine. No, I don't
want to play him.

I mean, it's one thing
when you play friends,

that's kind of fun, you know?

But when you start playing
people you don't like,

other things kind of enter in,

and you start thinking
about those times

that he screwed you
out of all that money

or how he, uh,
beat you to Rebecca

after you worked on her
for all those years

and how he always
makes you kind of feel

like a stupid, know-nothing jerk

with lousy clothes
and a stupid job.

You know something? I'm
going to kick that guy's royal butt!

Hey, way to go, Robin!

You know, it just isn't fair.

I mean, I came to the...

I wanted to be one of the guys.

And all I'm doing is
sitting on my duff

watching other people do things.

Welcome to Normworld.

Keep your hands
inside the car at all times.

Hi, darling. Ready
to go to the beach?

I've been
to the beach, thank you.

Well, why didn't
you ask me to go?

I did. I came in here and
screamed your name out

at least a half a dozen times.

I thought you
were cheering me on.

You mean you had to go
to the beach all by yourself?

No. I went with Woody.

I did all those stupid things
that I dreamed of doing.

We walked on the shore,

and we fed the sea gulls,

we skipped stones.

I buried Woody
up to his neck in the sand.

Oh, my God. Woody!

All right, last shot.

Sammy needs a bull's-eye to win.

All right, you mean one
of these here?

Hey!
Hey!

Whoo!
Whoo!

Sammy wins!

Are you sure about the score?

Absolutely.

I kept score with peanuts.

This is you.
This is Sam.

Norm?

That's right.
Uh, 250 to 249.

You know, if you hurry,

I think you can
catch up with Rebecca there.

Do you fancy another game, sir?

Oh, no. Come on.
It's over.

Let's just walk away from this

a winner and a loser.

Say, boys, who was
the winner again?

Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

Well, if not darts,

what about
a friendly game of pool?

No, no. I never
like to nail a guy

twice in one afternoon.

You haven't lived.

Well, perhaps I could make the...

Perhaps I could make the
prospect a little more enticing

if we threw in a wager?

Shall we say, um, here...

Uh, one U.S. dollar?

Whoa!
Whoa!

One lousy buck?

Well, you see, Sam,

a real sportsman wouldn't
consider it a lousy buck,

but a trophy...

Something to be held over
the head of the vanquished...

A symbol of victory.

All right.
Lie for break.

Although I can't understand

why anyone would get that
excited about winning a dollar.

♪ Nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ hey hey hey ♪

♪ good-bye ♪

♪ nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ hey hey hey ♪

♪ good-bye ♪

aw, don't feel bad, Robin.
You'd have beat him

if you'd called that last shot.

The one that ricocheted
off that mailman's head?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yep. Now, if you'd said 8
ball off of Cliffie's temple,

then, maybe this portrait of
George Washington might be yours.

And by the way, boys,

which president was he again?

Number one!
Number one!

Hey, Cliffie!

Hey, how you feel, Cliff?

Oh, fine, fine. Just a
little crack in the head.

All right.

So, uh, so, who won the game?

Sammy.

Ah, did you?
That's great.

That's great.

Carla, how about
a beer, eh? Thanks.

So, uh...

Who won the game?

Sammy did.

Sure. No kidding?
Gee, that's great, Sam.

How about a beer, Carla, eh?

Uh, Cliff...

What do you say we trot on down

to the old emergency
room just for fun, huh?

Yeah, yeah.
Sure thing, Fras.

So, who won that game?

So, do you fancy
another game, Sam?

Whoo! Boy, Robin,
you are a glutton.

Well, it's not often
I meet someone

who can offer me
such a challenge.

I must confess, I rarely lose.

Really? Well, you're
a natural at it.

Hey!

Yes, you're very kind.

It's not surprising you beat me

at these physical games.

I mean, all they depended upon

were simple hand-to-eye
coordination,

animal cunning.

I mean, these are the
only things you're adroit at.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

No one calls me a droit.

Sammy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

How do you think you would
fare in a game whose outcome

rested purely on intelligence,

acumen,

cognitive reasoning?

OK.

Carla,

break out the Yahtzee.

No. I was referring to
the age-old game of chess.

Or don't you indulge
in such sport

in this cultural wasteland?

Hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

Are you talking
about my country?

No, I'm talking about this bar.

Oh. Well, you don't know
the half of it.

Yeah, all right. OK.

I'll... I'll play you
a little game of chess.

But let's not go for
this weenie dollar bet here.

I'll tell you what.
Double or nothing.

Well, what do you say...
What do you say we make it

something worth our while?

Both of us.
Um, a week's pay.

My salary...

Against your salary.

That's not exactly fair now.

You don't make tips.

Well, what do you say, Sam?

All right. Sure.

Fine.

All right, I'm going
back to my penthouse,

and I'll get my chess set...

And I'll see you
in an hour, Sam.

I'll be here.

Boy, Sammy, I am impressed.

I mean, you have put
a lot on the line.

Do you have any idea how much
that guy takes home in a week?

I'd say that's enough money
for me to buy back this bar.

We are home free.

All right, Sammy.

I got to learn how
to play chess in an hour.

Eh, you know, what the heck.

It's got to be
easier than Yahtzee.

Oh, here's where everybody is.

Oh, Frasier.
How's Cliff?

Oh, he's fine, fine.
He'll be all right, I think.

They're keeping him
under observation for a while

until he's completely normal.

Gee, I never
got to say good-bye.

So, uh, what is all this anyway?

Oh, you're going to love this.

See, Sammy and Robin

are playing chess for
one week's wages, right?

We got this computer chess game

so that Sammy can beat Robin,

and Norm is going to feed him

all the right moves
over this headset.

Well, I hate to spoil your
fun with a moral voice,

but, uh, isn't that what
we used to call cheating?

I mean, isn't that just like
stealing Robin's money?

No, Frasier, I'm not
doing this for the money.

I just want to get
the satisfaction

of seeing his expression

when he gives me the check.

And once it's in my hand,

I'll rip it up and
throw it in his face...

Maybe.

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

So, where did you get

all this expensive listening
equipment anyway?

Oh, this is Pete's stuff.

He uses this stuff all the time.

Pete, are... are you
a surveillance expert?

No. My wife
sleeps around a lot.

All right!
Bird for 3. Ha!

Sam, are you going to play chess

or listen
to your basketball game?

I can do both.

King's Rook...
To Queen One.

OK.

King's Rook to Queen One.

Well, in that case, uh...

My horsey guy takes your
little pointy-headed guy.

You know, you're a... you're
a fascinating opponent,

obviously unskilled in the
finer points of the game.

You have an instinctive, raw
talent that pulls you through

and makes me want
to squash you like a bug.

Queen takes Bishop.
Check.

All right!
Jump ball!

Oh, God. I wish you could
hear this game, you guys.

Sam? Sam, here.

Sam? I checked.
I checked.

Oh. That's
all right.

Check. All right. Uh...

Well, in that case, um,

my castle takes your queen.

Get out of that, rich boy.

[SIGHS]

Well...

Robin...

Woody and I have
been to the beach.

We have been to the zoo.

We went paddle boating.

We saw phantom.

Oh, it was wonderful.
Thank you for asking.

Woody was a model escort,

except for one little annoying
habit of constantly asking me,

"is this part scary?
Is this part scary?"

It was. Thank you
for asking.

[SIGHS]

I am going to go freshen up,

and then we're going
to a late supper.

Oh, uh, actually, Miss
Howe, I'm not really hungry.

I was talking to Robin.

Oh, yeah.
Dream on.

Norm, how many times
have I told you

I don't want you in here
trying to erase your bar tab?

Oh, come on.

Pfft. Come on.

You think I would do
something as deceitful as that?

I'm only trying to helping
Sammy cheat at chess.

That's terrible.

Can you step on it?

Robin and I can still
make that late supper.

I'm trying, I'm trying,

but I think
my bar tab's eaten up

most of the memory
on this computer.

Sam, over headset:
You made another move.

Hey, hey, hey.
Sammy's talking.

Yeah, yeah. It's
very clever of you

to have moved your
pointy-headed thing

to the white square,
second from the bottom

on the far right.

Uh, right, Sam. OK,
yeah, here we go.

[BEEPING]

Holy cow. It went blank.

Pardon me?

What?

I...

Said pardon me.
I burped.

No, you didn't.

Well, you couldn't
hear me, but I did,

and I'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, then, gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze.

Perhaps you will one day,
and I won't hear it.

I can't get the board back.

He's on his own.

Aw, poor Sammy.

Oh, come on, guys.

We've seen Sammy
in situations like this

hundreds of times...

You know,
the game's on the line,

the best hitter's
coming up to the plate,

men on second and third.

Who do they call in?
Mayday Malone

with his "slider of death."

Well, what would he do?

Well, he'd usually
give up a 3-run homer.

It was Sam's teammates

who called it
the "slider of death."

So they had a man on first

and a man on second.

Who do they call in
but old Mayday Malone

with his
"slider of death."

Why did they call it that?

None of your business.

That's very nice, but your
time is running out, Sam.

Move or forfeit.

Uh...

All right. Fine.
There.

That is either the stupidest
move in the world, or...

That was very clever, Sam.

What will you do when I move
my Bishop to King knight 5?

I don't know.

All right.

Is this, uh, horsey guy mine?

Yes.

Well, ahem,

can I move that here...

And that's checkmate?

What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I win.
That's checkmate.

Yeah. You shouldn't have
moved your cardinal, bub.

Bishop!
It's called a bishop.

I only moved him because your
last move was so incredibly stupid,

that I thought you were up
to something clever.

Heh. Yeah. Well,

sometimes incredibly stupid
is clever enough for me.

Why did you do that?

Up to then, you were playing

a classic Alekhine's defense,

and I was matching you
every step of the way.

Why in the world did you
make that stupid move?

Wait! Wait! Whoa.

Which one of you told him

to make that stupid move?

You knew?

What do you
think I am, an idiot?

What gave me away?

Well, for starters,

the basketball game which you
were supposed to be listening to

was on the television
set behind you

and it had been over
for about an hour.

Boy, those English guys
are clever.

No wonder we lost that war.

No, we didn't lose the war.
We won it.

Oh, right. Then how
come we speak English?

Hey, man, come on.

You know, just don't be a droit.

All right, all right.

If you knew this game was fixed,

then how come
you went along with it?

Are you joking?

That was the only
thing about the game

that held any challenge
for me, Samuel.

OK, so, you knew it was fixed,
and yet you went ahead and played.

I say that I won
fair and square.

You owe me.
One week's salary.

Come on, bud, and don't, uh,

leave out any of those
little zeros there.

Oh, right you are, Sam.

Um, I must preface this
by saying that, um,

in order to keep my tax
bracket low, I am a corporation.

And the nominal
salary I pay myself

as president of that corporation

is $1.00 a year,

which means that
my weekly salary

after taxes is...

One penny.

Well, well.

One penny.

Sam,

you used all this electronic
paraphernalia to cheat,

and what did it get you?

One penny.

And, you, Robin...

You take the one day off

that you've had in years,

and what do you do with it?

You spend the whole day
fighting over...

One penny.

And what about me?

You take the one day

that I have always
dreamed about,

and you turn it into
the most depressing,

pathetic day of my life.

Oh, Woody, I'm sorry.
I had fun with you.

Look what you did!

You know, you're right, Rebecca.

I've been acting like a fool.

You see, for one moment,

I actually lost control

of that competitive edge

which built my empire.

Yeah. I apologize.

And what did you learn, Sam?

Well, I learned

that it's not that much
fun to play games

if all you're worried
about is winning or losing.

I'm sorry that we ruined
your day like that.

I guess I said a lot of
childish things there, Robin.

I'm sorry.

Um, you're a good sport.

Ahem. Let's... let's
call it even, shall we?

1, 2, 3, 4.
I declare a thumb war.