Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 17 - Woody or Won't He - full transcript
Woody is meeting Kelly's mother, Roxanne Gaines, for the first time. Roxanne and Kelly's father, Walter, have been divorced for years, hence the reason why Woody has yet to meet her. He figures she's his last opportunity for someone in Kelly's family actually to like him. She does like him, a little too much as displayed by her tongue down his throat and the game of footsie she plays with him under the dinner table. At a dinner part at the Gaines household, Woody blurts out in front of all the dinner guests that he wants her to stop hitting on him. He thinks that act will ruin his relationship with Kelly. Contrary, Kelly believes that Woody has misinterpreted Roxanne's actions. Roxanne says as much to Kelly. Roxanne later makes her true intentions crystal clear. Meanwhile, one of Lillian's restaurants in Texas is closing down and is moving its unliquidatable inventory to its other properties. Cheers is the lucky recipient of a mechanical bull. Carla goads Cliff into riding the bull. Cliff ends up being close to setting a record he wishes he won't.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hey, aren't you Phil,
the tire distributor
from Rhode Island?
Look, lady, if you've got
problems with your wheels,
talk to your dealer.
No. I'm Carla.
Remember? We went out
a couple of times.
It must've been years ago.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember.
Yeah. I guess
it's been a while.
You were still
pushing whitewalls.
Maybe this will jog your memory.
Art's hideaway adult motel?
I'm sorry.
Look, in the tire game,
you meet a lot of women.
Yeah, but you can't
have forgotten.
Mirror on the ceiling?
No.
Vibrating bed?
Latin love basket?
The trick with the tie?
That was you?
Yeah.
Oh, God, that was
one steamy night,
wasn't it, Phil?
Oh, God, I'll say.
Yeah.
Hey, look, um, I got
a few hours to kill.
Why don't we hit old art's
for a little reunion?
Hey, what kind of girl
do you think I am?!
I am a widow!
Get outta here, you pig!
You make me sick!
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪
Brother.
I work for the stupidest
corporation in America.
You'd have to.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
All right. Get this.
One of their restaurants...
Some hick dive in Texas
specializing in
Fillet aux Armadillo...
Has gone belly-up,
so they want to stick us with
the one piece of equipment
that they couldn't seem
to liquidate.
Oh, I hope it's
a mesquite grill.
Then I could make a mess
of Aunt Lou's baby back ribs.
It is not
a mesquite grill, Woody.
It's a mechanical bull.
Well...it's just as well.
Aunt Lou's ribs
weren't all that good.
Come to think of it,
she choked on one of them.
Just her luck...
It was a week before
the Heimlich maneuver came out.
Well, I have to say,
those mechanical bulls
are the most useless
thing ever put in a bar.
Now, now, Norm.
OK. Present company
excepted, OK?
Thank you, Norm.
I don't know.
I think there may be a
place for a mechanical bull
in our recreational schemata.
It does, after all,
provide modern man
with a socially
acceptable release
for sexual tension
and frustration.
Riding one of those bulls
can do that, Fras?
Oh, hell, no,
but catch a well-built
young woman sometime
bouncing around on the back
of one, though. Whew!
Get along, little dogie.
Sam, which tie do you
think I should wear?
And, before you judge,
this one lights up.
You got batteries for that one?
No.
Oh. Go with
that one, then.
Thanks, man.
I can't afford to
make a mistake here.
Kelly's mom just
flew in this afternoon,
and Kelly's bringing
her by to meet me.
It's crucial that I make
a good impression.
Wait a second. I thought
you knew her mom.
No. They're divorced.
In fact, Kelly's mom is the
only member of her family
who I haven't met.
Yeah, God.
She's my last hope.
You're telling me
that not one member
of that family likes you?
Well, there's her Aunt
Martha. She likes me.
There you go.
She also thinks
she's Eleanor Roosevelt.
But if you get past that,
she's pretty nice,
what with all her charity work.
Woody, it doesn't
make any difference
what kind of tie you wear.
When it comes to mothers,
it's what you got
underneath that counts.
Oh, well, I'm wearing
clean shorts, Sam.
Oh, good.
He understands.
Woody, listen to me.
The important thing is
what kind of person you are,
and you are a very nice person.
Moms do not judge how you look.
Oh, here they are now.
Uh-oh.
That mom looks like
she's got taste.
You're on your own, man.
I'll try to stall them.
You do... well, never mind.
Hi, Kelly.
How are you?
Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you, too.
Sam Malone, I'd like
you to meet my mom.
Oh, and I'd love to meet
her sometime myself.
Who's this, your sister?
Sam, this is my mom.
That was a tired,
old line, Mr. Malone.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
No. It still works.
Well, you know, the classics...
Timeless.
Hi, Kelly.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Nice to meet you.
I was just having
trouble tying this tie.
Is my face getting purple?
No, Woody. You look nice,
but are you OK?
You seem a little uncomfortable.
Well, yeah. It's, uh,
brand-new underwear.
I don't think I got
all the stickers off.
Woody, this is my mother
Mrs. Gaines.
Mother, this is Woody.
Hi. I'm Woody.
Then I must be
Mrs. Gaines.
Oh, hi. I'm Woody.
Listen, to tell you
the truth, Mrs. Gaines,
I was real nervous
about meeting you.
Oh! Whatever for?
It's just that the rest of
Kelly's family hates me.
It's probably
because I'm a bartender
with no real future.
Just a poor country bumpkin
who's dumber than cotton.
Woody, I think you're
a very nice young man.
Really? Then forget all
that bad stuff I said.
Woody, Kelly tells
me you're resistant
to coming to her sister's
wedding this weekend.
Mom, Woody's self-conscious.
He always feels that he
sticks out like a sore thumb
and makes a fool out of himself.
Why is that, Woody?
Well, there has been
a precedent set.
Although I think your gazebo
would've burned down
whether I'd been there or not.
Well, Woody, we'd all
like you to be there.
In fact, you're invited to
the rehearsal dinner, as well.
Saturday night, 7:00,
Kelly's father's house.
You've met Mr. Gaines,
haven't you?
Met him? Heck, I almost
broke his big toe.
Woody, you didn't know
Daddy was standing behind us
when you pulled the van out.
Well, yeah, I did.
I just thought
he took a smaller shoe.
Well, we're looking
forward to seeing you.
Now come, Kelly, dear. We have to
do something about those nut cups,
and you know that could
take all afternoon.
Mother, I'm still
favoring Jordan almonds.
Who raised you?
I almost forgot.
Sam.
Yeah?
You're invited
to come Saturday, too.
After all, you're almost
a member of the family.
Mother, Sam was the one
who introduced Woody and me.
Actually, no, I didn't.
You didn't?
No.
Gee, it would be rude
to un-invite you now,
so I...I guess we're stuck.
Well, we'll see you.
Come on, you cowboys!
As long as that dumb thing's
set up back there anyway,
don't you wanna prove how
macho you are by climbing aboard?
Come on, Rebecca!
We do not need a mechanical bull
to prove how macho we are.
We are just as much men
sitting right here
on this bar stool,
which, by the way,
needs to be re-padded.
My tush hurts.
Really.
Face it, Rebecca.
This dump is filled
with wussy wimps.
You just hold on there
right now, Carla.
I, for one, have
a very good reason
for not riding on that bull.
Right. He's afraid his keys
are gonna fly out of his pocket.
Oh, yeah? You guys can go
ahead and make fun and all,
but you get on that thing,
the keys fly out of your pocket,
hits you in the eye...
You'll never enjoy a
View-Master again I'll tell you.
Baloney, Clavin.
You're just a chicken.
[BAWK BAWK]
[BAWK BAWK]
[BAWK BAWK]
[BAWK BAWK]
All right!
Keep your corns on.
I'm the only guy in this
waterin' hole, obviously,
who is man enough to take
on that mechanical beast.
Normie, watch my keys, will ya?
Safety first.
What are friends for, Cliff?
Well, I just got an idea
for a little practical
joke on Cliffie.
What's that?
What do you say we move his car.
He'll think it's stolen.
OK, where do you want
to move it to?
New Hampshire.
Come on. Follow me in
your car and drive me home.
Guys, hurry up.
Cliff's strapped
himself on the bull.
It's bucking so hard,
he can't get off.
How the hell did that happen?
Come on, Norm, you know Cliff.
He insisted we start
it on the highest level.
Cliff insisted on that?
Well, someone insisted.
Let's not split hairs.
Come on.
Oh, Woody, can you believe it?
This is the first time
I've seen my parents together
since they split up
when I was a little girl.
I bet that was
real tough on you.
Yeah.
Sometimes I think
that's why I'm so cynical.
I like the fact that
you're hard-boiled.
I think that's what
gives us our chemistry.
Thanks, sweetie.
I tell you,
Mr. Gaines.
I'd sure like to live
in a place like this.
Yes, a home in
the suburbs is nice.
No, I mean this room.
Well, Mr. Malone,
you've gotten tiresome.
I'm going to stand
over there now.
Hey, Sam, you know,
I was looking in
the dining room earlier.
Why the heck do they have
two forks at everybody's place?
Well, now, Woody,
that's 'cause, uh...
If you drop one, you
got yourself a spare.
Well, that makes sense,
but why is one
smaller than the other?
Well, that's in case
you drop that one, too,
it won't make as much noise.
Woody, could you come here?
My Cousin Patsy
wants to say hello.
Do I know her?
You remember. She
was in the gazebo,
but she's OK now.
I'm telling you, boys,
we can't miss.
I got it straight
from the CEO's secretary.
We buy Osher Electronics asap,
we triple our money
by Wednesday.
Excuse me, I couldn't
help overhearing.
Yeah, why is that?
Well, I was eavesdropping.
Sam Malone.
Conrad Langston,
and these are the boys.
How are you?
So you boys are
onto a sure thing?
Well, Sam, on Wall Street,
there is no 100%.
But, uh...
Like I always say,
if there's no risk,
then where's the fun?
Well, that's funny.
I always say, if there are
no women, where's the fun?
But then again,
we're on your turf here.
So, Sam, are you
interested in buying in?
As a matter of fact,
I have about $500
just burning a hole
in my checking account.
Well, Sam, you know,
the shares are $1,000 each.
Well, I hate to hog a
whole share by myself.
Anyone want to go halfsies?
All right, $1,000 it is.
I'll just have to tighten
my belt a little bit...
Or eat it.
Welcome aboard, Sam.
I'll go call this in for you.
Come on, boys.
See you later, boys.
The boys.
Ladies and gentlemen,
hors d'oeuvres are
being served in the salon.
Oh, food on a stick.
Man, I'm starved.
Are you enjoying
yourself, Woody?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
You know, you're nice, Woody.
You're not the type of boy
Kelly usually dates.
Of course, you're not
as well-bred as they are,
but I'm delighted
with her choice in you.
Well. Imagine
how proud I feel.
Although I wonder
if perhaps Kelly's
a little young for you.
Well, yeah,
she is a little young,
but luckily I'm real immature.
Actually, I was thinking
you might have the maturity
to appreciate older
women, like myself.
I don't think of you as old.
Why, thank you.
I just think of you as the woman
who gave birth to my girlfriend.
How sweet.
Woody, Kelly tells me
you're very concerned
whether or not I will like you.
Well, yeah, you are kind
of my last hope in the family.
Do you...
Like me?
Yes, I do!
Mrs. Gaines!
Jiminy Cricket!
Criminy's sake!
I don't mean to use
foul language, Mrs. Gaines,
but, I mean, you've really
upset my apple cart.
Photo opportunity.
Before we sit down to eat,
what say we get one
nice big group shot?
How are you doing?
Oh, fine, fine.
Listen,
you're probably wondering
why I've got lipstick on.
You're probably thinking
it's something strange,
but it's not what you think.
Mrs. Gaines
was just helping me
see what I'd look like
as a woman.
Ever done any modeling?
Woody?
You stand over here,
right in front of me.
All right, everyone.
Straight ahead.
1...2...
Whoop!
Something wrong, Woody?
No, no. It's just
where I come from,
everybody goes "whoop!"
Before they take a picture.
Everybody.
1...
2...
3.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
What say we all adjourn
to the dining room?
You, I'll see inside.
Hey, Sam, can I
ask you something?
What, another
etiquette question?
Yeah. Last one.
What do I do if Kelly's mom
tries to go to bed with me?
Kelly's mom?
I'm shocked.
And more than
a little impressed.
She got me alone. She said
she wanted to get to know me.
And then she gave me a kiss.
Well, maybe she's just
being, you know, motherly.
Sam, she pinched my...
Back pocket.
Well, now, in certain
parts of Europe,
that's considered
a sign of respect.
I think you'd like
Europe, actually.
Sam, come on, man.
Well, all right,
here's a simple rule
I live my life by...
Ignore the problem.
It will go away.
Yeah, ignore it.
That's bound to work.
Gentlemen, won't you join us?
Yes, thank you very much.
And, Woody dear,
you'll be sitting
on my right hand.
Were you born in
Europe, Mrs. Gaines?
Cliff:
Wha-ha-ha-aah!
Aah! Whoa!
So, Fras, how's
Cliff's blood pressure?
Well, the way his arms
are flailing about,
I couldn't get close
enough to check it.
I'd say by the way he's
been bellowing all afternoon,
he's still alive.
How do you like that?
For once, the bull
is throwing Clavin around.
Ma'am, I'm sorry,
but there isn't
much more we can do.
Can't you just pull
the plug or something?
You got that bull butted
right up against the plug.
Besides, if we did
kill the power,
the bull would stop
too abruptly.
It might send that mailman
right through the wall.
Tell me when the lights go out!
Carla, get away
from that fuse box!
Did you know that
when I was your age,
I used to be a dancer.
Oh, really,
Mrs. Gaines?
Oh, yes.
You don't get thighs like these
from cracking coconuts.
I'm allergic to coconuts.
Well, maybe you just haven't had
them husked in the right manner.
If you'll excuse me,
Mrs. Gaines,
I'm having trouble swallowing.
Well, boys, guess what?
Our stock deal happened
just like we knew it would.
All right!
How about that!
That's great.
Sam, you didn't invest any money
with Conrad and
the guys, did you?
I sure did... a bundle.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Sam.
What?
Maybe you should think about
taking some food home.
Why?
Sam, we just found out
the company falsified
their profits.
The S.E.C. Suspended
trading. Stock's worthless.
What?
Sam, Connie and the guys
are known as
"the hard luck five."
We invest in something...
Down it goes.
Say, fellas,
what say we fly to Vegas
and lose
some serious money, huh?
We'll bet red all night.
You going to finish that?
No.
Mrs. Gaines, thank you for
helping me adjust my napkin,
but it's really not necessary.
By the way,
I don't usually wear it
tucked in quite so far.
Is there something about me
that makes you nervous, Woody?
I don't know.
The things you say,
y-your hands...
Your coconut-cracking thighs.
Then you have no problem
with my feet.
Mrs. Gaines, stop it!
I'm not having sex with you!
I won't have sex with you!
I won't! I won't! I won't!
No sex! Do you hear me?
Now I want
both hands and both feet
on the table right now!
Kelly, am I using the
wrong fork or something?
CLIFF: Somebody,
get me off!
You know, Carla,
if Cliff actually
broke the world record,
it would be good
publicity for the bar.
Yeah, but I can't find
any record in here at all
for mechanical bull riding.
Look under
"stupidest stunts."
Here it is.
First page.
I've lost Kelly forever.
She's never gonna
want to talk to me again
after what I've done.
Come on, Woody.
Look, I'm sure lots of guys
yell out at dinner parties
that they won't have sex
with their girlfriends' mothers.
Yeah, you're probably
right, Mr. Peterson,
but that still doesn't
help ease the pain.
Hi, Woody.
Kelly.
Are you OK?
I thought you'd never
want to see me again
after what I did.
Well, I admit, I was
a bit peeved at first,
but I can understand.
I'm just sorry that Mother
gave you the wrong impression.
What do you mean?
Maybe I should have
warned you about her.
Mother likes to flirt.
It's all innocent fun.
She says it keeps her young.
You mean she was just
goofing around with me?
She's flirted with
all my boyfriends.
Of course nobody's been
rude about it like you.
All right, Wood.
Way to go.
So I've blown it.
I've blown it with every
single member of your family.
You haven't blown it
with one very important
person, Woody.
I know.
Your crazy Aunt Martha.
Of course, she thinks
I'm Winston Churchill.
No, Woody, with me.
Don't you see?
It doesn't matter
what my family thinks.
I love you.
Besides, Mother still likes you.
As a matter of fact,
she wanted to come here
and apologize in person.
But I thought it might
make you nervous,
so I had her write you
a note instead.
Oh, that was real nice of her.
Woody, I've got to run.
I'm just supposed to be out for a
few minutes picking up cold cuts.
It seems like a lot
of food disappeared.
We don't know what happened.
Good night, Sam.
[MUFFLED]
Good night, Kelly.
So smooth sailing, huh, Wood?
Yeah, I'm so relieved.
All right.
I should have known
that Mrs. Gaines
wouldn't be interested in me.
I should have known
that a nice classy lady like her
would never be interested
in a naive Indiana farm boy.
Well, I have to admit
it is kind of silly, isn't it?
Woody and Mrs. Gaines...
That's the most ridiculous thing
I ever heard.
Hey, man, you think
that's funny?
Wait'll you hear this.
"Dear Woody,
"Kelly thinks I'm
writing you an apology.
"What I really want to
say is I ache for you,
my strong
young coconut."
"I live for the moment
when I can harvest
your lusty fruit."
"Love, Roxanne."
Is she a crack-up, or what?
CLIFF: No!
Don't leave me!
Ma'am, a textbook rescue.
We have the walls
covered with mattresses.
All we have to do
is cut the power,
and he'll land there
safe as a baby.
All right, let's not waste
any more time. Let's do it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
According to this book here,
if Clavin can stay on that
bull for five more hours,
he's gonna break
the world record.
Clavin, do you want to get off,
or do you want to
be world champion?
I want to get off!
For the love of God, get me off!
He's gonna go for it!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
a live studio audience.
Hey, aren't you Phil,
the tire distributor
from Rhode Island?
Look, lady, if you've got
problems with your wheels,
talk to your dealer.
No. I'm Carla.
Remember? We went out
a couple of times.
It must've been years ago.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember.
Yeah. I guess
it's been a while.
You were still
pushing whitewalls.
Maybe this will jog your memory.
Art's hideaway adult motel?
I'm sorry.
Look, in the tire game,
you meet a lot of women.
Yeah, but you can't
have forgotten.
Mirror on the ceiling?
No.
Vibrating bed?
Latin love basket?
The trick with the tie?
That was you?
Yeah.
Oh, God, that was
one steamy night,
wasn't it, Phil?
Oh, God, I'll say.
Yeah.
Hey, look, um, I got
a few hours to kill.
Why don't we hit old art's
for a little reunion?
Hey, what kind of girl
do you think I am?!
I am a widow!
Get outta here, you pig!
You make me sick!
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪
Brother.
I work for the stupidest
corporation in America.
You'd have to.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
All right. Get this.
One of their restaurants...
Some hick dive in Texas
specializing in
Fillet aux Armadillo...
Has gone belly-up,
so they want to stick us with
the one piece of equipment
that they couldn't seem
to liquidate.
Oh, I hope it's
a mesquite grill.
Then I could make a mess
of Aunt Lou's baby back ribs.
It is not
a mesquite grill, Woody.
It's a mechanical bull.
Well...it's just as well.
Aunt Lou's ribs
weren't all that good.
Come to think of it,
she choked on one of them.
Just her luck...
It was a week before
the Heimlich maneuver came out.
Well, I have to say,
those mechanical bulls
are the most useless
thing ever put in a bar.
Now, now, Norm.
OK. Present company
excepted, OK?
Thank you, Norm.
I don't know.
I think there may be a
place for a mechanical bull
in our recreational schemata.
It does, after all,
provide modern man
with a socially
acceptable release
for sexual tension
and frustration.
Riding one of those bulls
can do that, Fras?
Oh, hell, no,
but catch a well-built
young woman sometime
bouncing around on the back
of one, though. Whew!
Get along, little dogie.
Sam, which tie do you
think I should wear?
And, before you judge,
this one lights up.
You got batteries for that one?
No.
Oh. Go with
that one, then.
Thanks, man.
I can't afford to
make a mistake here.
Kelly's mom just
flew in this afternoon,
and Kelly's bringing
her by to meet me.
It's crucial that I make
a good impression.
Wait a second. I thought
you knew her mom.
No. They're divorced.
In fact, Kelly's mom is the
only member of her family
who I haven't met.
Yeah, God.
She's my last hope.
You're telling me
that not one member
of that family likes you?
Well, there's her Aunt
Martha. She likes me.
There you go.
She also thinks
she's Eleanor Roosevelt.
But if you get past that,
she's pretty nice,
what with all her charity work.
Woody, it doesn't
make any difference
what kind of tie you wear.
When it comes to mothers,
it's what you got
underneath that counts.
Oh, well, I'm wearing
clean shorts, Sam.
Oh, good.
He understands.
Woody, listen to me.
The important thing is
what kind of person you are,
and you are a very nice person.
Moms do not judge how you look.
Oh, here they are now.
Uh-oh.
That mom looks like
she's got taste.
You're on your own, man.
I'll try to stall them.
You do... well, never mind.
Hi, Kelly.
How are you?
Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you, too.
Sam Malone, I'd like
you to meet my mom.
Oh, and I'd love to meet
her sometime myself.
Who's this, your sister?
Sam, this is my mom.
That was a tired,
old line, Mr. Malone.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
No. It still works.
Well, you know, the classics...
Timeless.
Hi, Kelly.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Nice to meet you.
I was just having
trouble tying this tie.
Is my face getting purple?
No, Woody. You look nice,
but are you OK?
You seem a little uncomfortable.
Well, yeah. It's, uh,
brand-new underwear.
I don't think I got
all the stickers off.
Woody, this is my mother
Mrs. Gaines.
Mother, this is Woody.
Hi. I'm Woody.
Then I must be
Mrs. Gaines.
Oh, hi. I'm Woody.
Listen, to tell you
the truth, Mrs. Gaines,
I was real nervous
about meeting you.
Oh! Whatever for?
It's just that the rest of
Kelly's family hates me.
It's probably
because I'm a bartender
with no real future.
Just a poor country bumpkin
who's dumber than cotton.
Woody, I think you're
a very nice young man.
Really? Then forget all
that bad stuff I said.
Woody, Kelly tells
me you're resistant
to coming to her sister's
wedding this weekend.
Mom, Woody's self-conscious.
He always feels that he
sticks out like a sore thumb
and makes a fool out of himself.
Why is that, Woody?
Well, there has been
a precedent set.
Although I think your gazebo
would've burned down
whether I'd been there or not.
Well, Woody, we'd all
like you to be there.
In fact, you're invited to
the rehearsal dinner, as well.
Saturday night, 7:00,
Kelly's father's house.
You've met Mr. Gaines,
haven't you?
Met him? Heck, I almost
broke his big toe.
Woody, you didn't know
Daddy was standing behind us
when you pulled the van out.
Well, yeah, I did.
I just thought
he took a smaller shoe.
Well, we're looking
forward to seeing you.
Now come, Kelly, dear. We have to
do something about those nut cups,
and you know that could
take all afternoon.
Mother, I'm still
favoring Jordan almonds.
Who raised you?
I almost forgot.
Sam.
Yeah?
You're invited
to come Saturday, too.
After all, you're almost
a member of the family.
Mother, Sam was the one
who introduced Woody and me.
Actually, no, I didn't.
You didn't?
No.
Gee, it would be rude
to un-invite you now,
so I...I guess we're stuck.
Well, we'll see you.
Come on, you cowboys!
As long as that dumb thing's
set up back there anyway,
don't you wanna prove how
macho you are by climbing aboard?
Come on, Rebecca!
We do not need a mechanical bull
to prove how macho we are.
We are just as much men
sitting right here
on this bar stool,
which, by the way,
needs to be re-padded.
My tush hurts.
Really.
Face it, Rebecca.
This dump is filled
with wussy wimps.
You just hold on there
right now, Carla.
I, for one, have
a very good reason
for not riding on that bull.
Right. He's afraid his keys
are gonna fly out of his pocket.
Oh, yeah? You guys can go
ahead and make fun and all,
but you get on that thing,
the keys fly out of your pocket,
hits you in the eye...
You'll never enjoy a
View-Master again I'll tell you.
Baloney, Clavin.
You're just a chicken.
[BAWK BAWK]
[BAWK BAWK]
[BAWK BAWK]
[BAWK BAWK]
All right!
Keep your corns on.
I'm the only guy in this
waterin' hole, obviously,
who is man enough to take
on that mechanical beast.
Normie, watch my keys, will ya?
Safety first.
What are friends for, Cliff?
Well, I just got an idea
for a little practical
joke on Cliffie.
What's that?
What do you say we move his car.
He'll think it's stolen.
OK, where do you want
to move it to?
New Hampshire.
Come on. Follow me in
your car and drive me home.
Guys, hurry up.
Cliff's strapped
himself on the bull.
It's bucking so hard,
he can't get off.
How the hell did that happen?
Come on, Norm, you know Cliff.
He insisted we start
it on the highest level.
Cliff insisted on that?
Well, someone insisted.
Let's not split hairs.
Come on.
Oh, Woody, can you believe it?
This is the first time
I've seen my parents together
since they split up
when I was a little girl.
I bet that was
real tough on you.
Yeah.
Sometimes I think
that's why I'm so cynical.
I like the fact that
you're hard-boiled.
I think that's what
gives us our chemistry.
Thanks, sweetie.
I tell you,
Mr. Gaines.
I'd sure like to live
in a place like this.
Yes, a home in
the suburbs is nice.
No, I mean this room.
Well, Mr. Malone,
you've gotten tiresome.
I'm going to stand
over there now.
Hey, Sam, you know,
I was looking in
the dining room earlier.
Why the heck do they have
two forks at everybody's place?
Well, now, Woody,
that's 'cause, uh...
If you drop one, you
got yourself a spare.
Well, that makes sense,
but why is one
smaller than the other?
Well, that's in case
you drop that one, too,
it won't make as much noise.
Woody, could you come here?
My Cousin Patsy
wants to say hello.
Do I know her?
You remember. She
was in the gazebo,
but she's OK now.
I'm telling you, boys,
we can't miss.
I got it straight
from the CEO's secretary.
We buy Osher Electronics asap,
we triple our money
by Wednesday.
Excuse me, I couldn't
help overhearing.
Yeah, why is that?
Well, I was eavesdropping.
Sam Malone.
Conrad Langston,
and these are the boys.
How are you?
So you boys are
onto a sure thing?
Well, Sam, on Wall Street,
there is no 100%.
But, uh...
Like I always say,
if there's no risk,
then where's the fun?
Well, that's funny.
I always say, if there are
no women, where's the fun?
But then again,
we're on your turf here.
So, Sam, are you
interested in buying in?
As a matter of fact,
I have about $500
just burning a hole
in my checking account.
Well, Sam, you know,
the shares are $1,000 each.
Well, I hate to hog a
whole share by myself.
Anyone want to go halfsies?
All right, $1,000 it is.
I'll just have to tighten
my belt a little bit...
Or eat it.
Welcome aboard, Sam.
I'll go call this in for you.
Come on, boys.
See you later, boys.
The boys.
Ladies and gentlemen,
hors d'oeuvres are
being served in the salon.
Oh, food on a stick.
Man, I'm starved.
Are you enjoying
yourself, Woody?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
You know, you're nice, Woody.
You're not the type of boy
Kelly usually dates.
Of course, you're not
as well-bred as they are,
but I'm delighted
with her choice in you.
Well. Imagine
how proud I feel.
Although I wonder
if perhaps Kelly's
a little young for you.
Well, yeah,
she is a little young,
but luckily I'm real immature.
Actually, I was thinking
you might have the maturity
to appreciate older
women, like myself.
I don't think of you as old.
Why, thank you.
I just think of you as the woman
who gave birth to my girlfriend.
How sweet.
Woody, Kelly tells me
you're very concerned
whether or not I will like you.
Well, yeah, you are kind
of my last hope in the family.
Do you...
Like me?
Yes, I do!
Mrs. Gaines!
Jiminy Cricket!
Criminy's sake!
I don't mean to use
foul language, Mrs. Gaines,
but, I mean, you've really
upset my apple cart.
Photo opportunity.
Before we sit down to eat,
what say we get one
nice big group shot?
How are you doing?
Oh, fine, fine.
Listen,
you're probably wondering
why I've got lipstick on.
You're probably thinking
it's something strange,
but it's not what you think.
Mrs. Gaines
was just helping me
see what I'd look like
as a woman.
Ever done any modeling?
Woody?
You stand over here,
right in front of me.
All right, everyone.
Straight ahead.
1...2...
Whoop!
Something wrong, Woody?
No, no. It's just
where I come from,
everybody goes "whoop!"
Before they take a picture.
Everybody.
1...
2...
3.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
What say we all adjourn
to the dining room?
You, I'll see inside.
Hey, Sam, can I
ask you something?
What, another
etiquette question?
Yeah. Last one.
What do I do if Kelly's mom
tries to go to bed with me?
Kelly's mom?
I'm shocked.
And more than
a little impressed.
She got me alone. She said
she wanted to get to know me.
And then she gave me a kiss.
Well, maybe she's just
being, you know, motherly.
Sam, she pinched my...
Back pocket.
Well, now, in certain
parts of Europe,
that's considered
a sign of respect.
I think you'd like
Europe, actually.
Sam, come on, man.
Well, all right,
here's a simple rule
I live my life by...
Ignore the problem.
It will go away.
Yeah, ignore it.
That's bound to work.
Gentlemen, won't you join us?
Yes, thank you very much.
And, Woody dear,
you'll be sitting
on my right hand.
Were you born in
Europe, Mrs. Gaines?
Cliff:
Wha-ha-ha-aah!
Aah! Whoa!
So, Fras, how's
Cliff's blood pressure?
Well, the way his arms
are flailing about,
I couldn't get close
enough to check it.
I'd say by the way he's
been bellowing all afternoon,
he's still alive.
How do you like that?
For once, the bull
is throwing Clavin around.
Ma'am, I'm sorry,
but there isn't
much more we can do.
Can't you just pull
the plug or something?
You got that bull butted
right up against the plug.
Besides, if we did
kill the power,
the bull would stop
too abruptly.
It might send that mailman
right through the wall.
Tell me when the lights go out!
Carla, get away
from that fuse box!
Did you know that
when I was your age,
I used to be a dancer.
Oh, really,
Mrs. Gaines?
Oh, yes.
You don't get thighs like these
from cracking coconuts.
I'm allergic to coconuts.
Well, maybe you just haven't had
them husked in the right manner.
If you'll excuse me,
Mrs. Gaines,
I'm having trouble swallowing.
Well, boys, guess what?
Our stock deal happened
just like we knew it would.
All right!
How about that!
That's great.
Sam, you didn't invest any money
with Conrad and
the guys, did you?
I sure did... a bundle.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Sam.
What?
Maybe you should think about
taking some food home.
Why?
Sam, we just found out
the company falsified
their profits.
The S.E.C. Suspended
trading. Stock's worthless.
What?
Sam, Connie and the guys
are known as
"the hard luck five."
We invest in something...
Down it goes.
Say, fellas,
what say we fly to Vegas
and lose
some serious money, huh?
We'll bet red all night.
You going to finish that?
No.
Mrs. Gaines, thank you for
helping me adjust my napkin,
but it's really not necessary.
By the way,
I don't usually wear it
tucked in quite so far.
Is there something about me
that makes you nervous, Woody?
I don't know.
The things you say,
y-your hands...
Your coconut-cracking thighs.
Then you have no problem
with my feet.
Mrs. Gaines, stop it!
I'm not having sex with you!
I won't have sex with you!
I won't! I won't! I won't!
No sex! Do you hear me?
Now I want
both hands and both feet
on the table right now!
Kelly, am I using the
wrong fork or something?
CLIFF: Somebody,
get me off!
You know, Carla,
if Cliff actually
broke the world record,
it would be good
publicity for the bar.
Yeah, but I can't find
any record in here at all
for mechanical bull riding.
Look under
"stupidest stunts."
Here it is.
First page.
I've lost Kelly forever.
She's never gonna
want to talk to me again
after what I've done.
Come on, Woody.
Look, I'm sure lots of guys
yell out at dinner parties
that they won't have sex
with their girlfriends' mothers.
Yeah, you're probably
right, Mr. Peterson,
but that still doesn't
help ease the pain.
Hi, Woody.
Kelly.
Are you OK?
I thought you'd never
want to see me again
after what I did.
Well, I admit, I was
a bit peeved at first,
but I can understand.
I'm just sorry that Mother
gave you the wrong impression.
What do you mean?
Maybe I should have
warned you about her.
Mother likes to flirt.
It's all innocent fun.
She says it keeps her young.
You mean she was just
goofing around with me?
She's flirted with
all my boyfriends.
Of course nobody's been
rude about it like you.
All right, Wood.
Way to go.
So I've blown it.
I've blown it with every
single member of your family.
You haven't blown it
with one very important
person, Woody.
I know.
Your crazy Aunt Martha.
Of course, she thinks
I'm Winston Churchill.
No, Woody, with me.
Don't you see?
It doesn't matter
what my family thinks.
I love you.
Besides, Mother still likes you.
As a matter of fact,
she wanted to come here
and apologize in person.
But I thought it might
make you nervous,
so I had her write you
a note instead.
Oh, that was real nice of her.
Woody, I've got to run.
I'm just supposed to be out for a
few minutes picking up cold cuts.
It seems like a lot
of food disappeared.
We don't know what happened.
Good night, Sam.
[MUFFLED]
Good night, Kelly.
So smooth sailing, huh, Wood?
Yeah, I'm so relieved.
All right.
I should have known
that Mrs. Gaines
wouldn't be interested in me.
I should have known
that a nice classy lady like her
would never be interested
in a naive Indiana farm boy.
Well, I have to admit
it is kind of silly, isn't it?
Woody and Mrs. Gaines...
That's the most ridiculous thing
I ever heard.
Hey, man, you think
that's funny?
Wait'll you hear this.
"Dear Woody,
"Kelly thinks I'm
writing you an apology.
"What I really want to
say is I ache for you,
my strong
young coconut."
"I live for the moment
when I can harvest
your lusty fruit."
"Love, Roxanne."
Is she a crack-up, or what?
CLIFF: No!
Don't leave me!
Ma'am, a textbook rescue.
We have the walls
covered with mattresses.
All we have to do
is cut the power,
and he'll land there
safe as a baby.
All right, let's not waste
any more time. Let's do it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
According to this book here,
if Clavin can stay on that
bull for five more hours,
he's gonna break
the world record.
Clavin, do you want to get off,
or do you want to
be world champion?
I want to get off!
For the love of God, get me off!
He's gonna go for it!
Yay! Yay! Yay!