Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 12 - Sam Ahoy - full transcript
Sam is still aiming to buy back the bar, but is still a lot short on capital. Robin is getting death threats and thus is surrounded by a mass of security guards. The situations in Sam and Robin's lives intersect when Robin, who was planning on sailing his boat, aptly named The Rebecca, in the Cape Cod Regatta that afternoon, is called off on emergency business. Sam would love to sail the boat in Robin's place since the winner's purse is $10,000. Without Sam needing to ask Robin, Robin does let Sam sail The Rebecca in his place. Now, all Sam needs is a crew, so he enlists the help of Carla and ex-Coast Guard employee Norm. During the race, Sam is working his butt off, but Carla and Norm concede defeat when they drop into last place early on. All three change their minds as to their priority when Norm discovers a bomb on board the boat. They also discover the radio has been dismantled, the lifeboat no where in sight and although the life jackets are there, they can't jump overboard as the waters are shark infested. If they survive this ordeal, they each have their individual wants from Robin for placing them in danger.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Miss Howe, can I
have tomorrow off?
I pay you for 40 hours a week.
I expect 40 hours work.
Besides, I need you to
take me to go get my car
once it's finished
being detailed.
What time will that be?
Right after
my beauty shop appointment.
I'm getting cellophane
highlights put in my hair,
then I'm gonna have
a manicure and a pedicure.
A pedicure?
Yeah. I have a date
with Robin tonight.
I might want to play footsie.
All right, I can
drive you. Good.
But after that, if there's time,
could I take off?
Good, Woody, what
is so all-fired important
about your stupid life?
Well, I cook and deliver
meals to elderly shut-ins.
Oh.
I normally do it on my day off,
but this week on my day off
I'm doing a walk-a-thon
for illiteracy.
We're against it.
Well, then that
would be all right.
Oh, Miss Howe. Wait.
I'm recycling glass bottles.
I want this world to be
clean for our children.
I mean, my children.
Or your children.
Or our children.
Seeing as how you've got a
date with someone else tonight,
it seems like a long shot.
Woody, you're so
good, and I'm so bad.
I feel guilty and ashamed.
I feel like killing myself.
Oh, I also volunteer
for a suicide hotline.
We do good things.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪
Whoa.
[WHISTLES]
Oh, Sammy, blind me
with your beauty.
What's with
the fashion statement?
Well, I had a meeting over at
corporation about buying Cheers.
How did it go?
I talked them into it. They're
gonna sell me the bar back.
Back in the saddle.
Well, I'm not out
of the woods yet, you know.
I've got to raise
a little more capital,
and I have to find myself
a few new investors.
No, no, no,
guys, guys, whoa! Not you.
I'm talking about
people with real money.
What's the matter? Our
money's not good enough for you?
That's right.
OK.
For a second there
I was offended,
but I got over it.
So, Sammy,
how much cash do you need?
Uh, well...
In a word...
[GASP]
Isn't that how many
miles it is to the sun?
Yeah. Yeah,
maybe you're right.
Sammy, you can do it.
Yeah, right, no,
of course I can do it.
As a matter of fact,
this morning I made a rather
clever investment of $1,000.
Way to be, Sammy.
That's using the old noggin.
Let that money
work for you, pal.
What did you invest in?
This suit.
Looks pretty good,
doesn't it? Yeah.
I tell you, this jacket just
over Levi's alone is fabulous.
Well...
The notion of
investing is sound.
In fact, I have $500
here in my pocket
that Lilith has
entrusted me to invest
in a gilt-edged bond
for little Frederick's future.
So Lilith controls the
purse strings in your family?
Yes, with the eagle eye.
It's a good thing, too.
I mean, you know me,
left to my own devices,
wastrel that I am, I might blow
2 bucks a week on a lousy beer.
Well, investing
sounds good on paper,
but the problem is
with inflation,
when those bonds mature,
that money will be worthless.
So little Freddy will
lose money on the deal.
Oh, well, screw him.
It'll teach him life is real.
Hey, gang, look. It's
Gilligan and the millionaire.
Mr. Colcord, you're not
supposed to walk ahead of security.
It's all right.
I know these people.
Wait for me outside.
One security guard... big deal.
Boys, rendezvous at the limo.
12 security guards... big deal.
So, what's with all the g-men?
Oh, it's nothing, really.
Don't be modest, Robin.
People want to kill him.
You're
kidding me. Who?
I can't go into detail. Let's
just say that I'm involved
in delicate financial dealings
with some sensitive
political areas.
Ah, a little arms trading there?
That's Cliff.
People want to kill him, too.
Who's after you?
Who isn't? It's one of
the drawbacks of wealth.
Oh, well, enough of this
assassination folderol.
Do you want to hear
something really exciting?
Robin took me to the harbor
today to see his new sailboat,
and as coincidence
would have it,
it is called...
The Rebecca.
You named your boat
after Miss Howe?
No, I christened her
long before I met Miss Howe.
In fact, I named her
for the biblical Rebecca.
But that's not all.
I had an aunt who was named
after the biblical Rebecca,
and I'm named after her.
And that isn't the end of it.
She was big as a boat
and old as the Bible.
Ah, yes, Rebecca... wasn't
that the maiden
King David spied taking
a bath in her birthday suit?
No, I think that was Bathsheba.
I think Rebecca is the one
who turned into a pillar of salt.
No, that was lot's wife.
She didn't have
a name of her own.
What did lot do with her
after she turned into salt?
Kept her by the pretzels, I bet.
Did they have pretzels
in biblical times?
Yeah. I think
I just had one, too.
So, where's the boat now?
We just got
Rebecca out of dry dock,
scraping the barnacles
off her bottom.
Not one word.
This is a bar. I'm free
to say whatever I want.
I'll give you $5.00.
Mum's the word.
Yes, I'm preparing to sail her
in the Cape Cod
Regatta this afternoon.
Ah, fast boat, huh?
Yes. You won't find one
faster than Rebecca.
Ahem!
Sir, this just came
over the fax in the limousine.
Damn it.
My bauxite miners
are threatening me with
a wildcat strike at midnight
unless I negotiate
with them personally.
Bauxite, huh?
That's the stuff
they make missile
casings out of, isn't it?
Don't cut this guy off
in traffic.
Fax them I'm on my way,
and fill a briefcase
full of cash.
Yes, sir.
Drat.
There goes the race.
I spent all that time
cleaning Rebecca up,
and I can't get her
out of her slip.
That's worth $10
if it's worth a nickel.
It's too bad you can't
enter that race.
I hear in the paper
the first prize is $10,000.
It's up to $10,000?
Yeah.
Gentlemen, in the
time it takes me
to say $10,000, I make $10,000.
Oh, there I go again.
Look. $10,000.
Yes, it also
works if you say it.
Well, I'd better make some
calls and rattle some cages
before I go off to the mines.
Rebecca, is the phone
in your office tapped?
No.
Nothing she has has
been tapped for three years.
Sammy, why don't you
sail Robin's boat?
You could really use the money.
Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna
give his fancy boat
named after my fat aunt to you.
Well, you can ask him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course, he'll
probably laugh at me
and say, "why should
I give you my boat?"
But then I could say,
"well, it's a business deal,
"and if I win,
then you'll have
this beautiful trophy."
Yeah.
Of course then he'll
probably look at me and say,
"why should I give a yutz
like you my fancy boat?"
Then I'd say, "listen to me."
"I happen to be
a very good sailor.
"As a matter of fact, in '83 I
came close to winning that race.
"Where do you get off
calling me a yutz?
You don't
even know me."
He'd probably say,
"I may not know you,
but I know your kind."
That would really tick me off.
I'd say,
"I'll tell you something,
how about you just
step outside with me?"
Uh, I was thinking, Sam,
Rebecca tells me
you're a sailor.
Why don't you race my boat?
Oh, sure.
Yeah, great.
Hey, I happen to be
a very good sailor.
Yes. Fine.
And I'm not a yutz.
Good for you, Sam.
I'll call you later.
Sam, you can pick the keys
up at pier 17, the yacht club.
You'll need a crew.
Rebecca takes three men.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Buy four, get one free.
Guys, how about this?
I'm going to be in the
regatta this afternoon.
You just better not do
anything to that boat,
because Robin has promised me
the two of us are gonna take
a cruise on the Rebecca
to the Virgin Islands.
Wow. A boat
and an island
named after you in the same day.
All right, I've got to get
me a crew here, don't I?
Well, say there, Carla,
you're used to being
around sailors, aren't you?
I'm with you, Sammy.
Anything to get this bar back.
All right, that's one.
One more to go here.
Ahem.
Come on, you were in the
coast guard, weren't you?
Right, Sam.
I'd go with you in a second
if it weren't for those horses.
What horses?
Wild ones.
They don't make 'em
strong enough
to drag me on board a boat.
We'll be bringing
a cooler of beer.
Hyah! Hyah!
Come on!
All right!
Hey, I got my crew here.
All right, you guys,
I'm going to make a call
over to Gary's Olde Towne Tavern
to see if I can get
a little betting going on
with those pigeons down there.
OK, what do you say,
$100 says we lose?
Hey! Come on! Whoa!
All right, I'm sorry.
5 bucks says we win.
Hello, Gar? Cliff Clavin
over here at Cheers.
Hey, that's Mr. Weenie
to you, pal.
Let's huddle up here, fellas.
Listen, we got to remember
something here now.
We can no longer
think of ourselves
as three individuals.
We are three parts
of the same machine
working together.
Three people with
one single purpose.
Not to drown.
All right. All right.
Two single purposes...
Not to drown and win the race.
OK, what about
getting all wet and sick?
All right.
Three single purposes.
How about buying the bar back?
Four. Does anyone
have any paper?
Guys, I struck a deal with Gary.
He says he'll give 5 to 1 odds
if we can come up with
$500 cash before the race.
Where in the hell
we gonna get $500 cash?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who in the world
would carry $500
in their pocket?
Yeah. Got any ideas
there, Fras?
Let's see.
Um...
I find myself in
the horns of a dilemma.
Do I keep the money?
In which case
you guys would pants me and
hang me from the nearest flagpole.
Or do I give you the money?
In which case my darling wife will
see to it that I don't need pants again.
No. It seems to me there's
only one decent thing to do.
Run like a jack rabbit!
Oh, no, Lilith, you're mistaken.
You did not give me $500.
I mean, how would
I forget a thing like that?
Well, did you look under
all the sofa cushions?
How about behind your dresser?
Yes, well... well,
keep on looking.
Maybe it's in your web.
Hey, guys, All Sports is
showing Sammy's boat race.
Rounding the first buoy,
Orion's leading.
Mickey G is second,
and blue horizon a close third.
Rebecca's trailing dead last.
Come on, Sammy!
Baby needs
a bachelor of arts degree!
Don't worry there.
Sammy's an experienced sailor.
Oh, yeah, once
he whips Carla and Norm
into an experienced,
efficient crew,
he's gonna have that baby
sailing like a Swiss watch.
So you're telling me I
can kiss my $500 goodbye.
Pucker up, baby.
All right, guys, stand by!
Stand by on the mainsail!
Stand by to come about!
Hey, come on, guys.
What are you doing?
Standing by the cooler.
Can I get you anything?
Come on, this is your chance
to win back Sammy's bar here.
Come on, Sam, we've
lost the race, gotten sick,
made fools of ourselves.
I say it's Miller Time, pal.
Hey, what is that,
quitter's talk?
If it's not,
we'll think of some more.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.
How about another beer, Norm?
Yeah, coming up.
Uh-oh. That's it
for the cheap stuff.
See if Colcord keeps
anything in his fridge.
Oh, yeah. Break it out.
Bingo. All right.
Why would Colcord keep a
digital clock in his refrigerator?
That's weird.
Yeah. It has all these
wires coming out of it.
It's going backwards, too.
Does it have a snooze button?
No, it just has this
thing marked detonator.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
What? I can't keep coming
down here every 2 seconds!
Come on, guys, you
should be up there.
We're all gonna be up
there in a second, Sam.
Over here, over
there, everywhere.
We're gonna be chum, pal.
What are you talking about?
There's a bomb in the fridge.
What?
Oh, no!
No, no, OK, OK.
Oh, boy.
Well, maybe it's, uh...
One of those devices
to keep you from raiding
the refrigerator, huh?
No. Trust me, Sammy.
I've seen them all.
OK, looks like we got
about 28 minutes there.
Let's not panic.
Let go.
Don't touch me.
All right, OK, we'll just, uh,
we'll call the coast guard
is what we'll do here.
They'll know what to do.
All right, just don't
panic here, don't panic.
Panic's our worst enemy.
Yeah, well, this bomb
is a close second.
Mayday, mayday.
Damn, the thing doesn't seem
to be working here.
Oh, God.
Mayday...
OK, well, there's your
problem there, Sammy.
Well, what do we
do now, skipper?
I think we ought to
rely on an old skill
that I learned in
the coast guard.
Radios, munitions...
No, no. Abandon
ship! Abandon ship!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
All right, careful, careful.
I got it.
All right.
All right, what are
those fins out there?
Sharks!
Abandon water!
Abandon water!
Oh, hold it. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
How about this...
If one of us is
willing to go overboard
and create a diversion
for the sharks,
then maybe Sammy and I
could swim to safety.
I never liked you, Carla.
All right, all right.
Sammy, wait a minute.
What about your dinghy?
Yeah. That's what
I'll miss most of all.
Idiot! I mean the little
boat we can get away in.
Oh, yeah. What
am I thinking here?
All right, OK, here we go.
All right.
How's it work?
Take it on deck and
you pull this cord.
No, not yet!
"Pull cord, you're
going to die."
Oh, we're going to die!
We're going to die!
We're going to die!
Listen, listen,
you guys, listen.
We've still got time here.
If you help me,
maybe we can sail this thing
to shore before it blows up.
You really think we can do it?
Yeah, yeah.
You bet I do.
If we don't, we'll
die trying. Come on.
Let's go for it, Sammy.
Get this rope.
I got it.
If I go, I'm not going alone.
Were you scared, Sam?
Are you kidding? I saw my
hair pass before my eyes.
It was unbelievable. I've
never seen anything like it.
Really. We just
barely made it
to this little inlet, right?
We jumped off the
boat, onto the beach.
We ran about 50 yards,
and this baby exploded
like a roman candle.
I'm telling you, there were
bits of boat everywhere.
Unbelievable. That
is truly horrifying.
Yeah, how about this?
Is that where a piece
of boat hit you?
No, I ripped my thumb
on one of Colcord's beer.
Those imports don't
have twist-offs. Still smarts.
You know, something very similar
happened to me
about 10 years go.
You see, my ma was making us
homemade bread in the crock pot...
Cliff, unless that crock
pot exploded in your face,
I don't want to hear about it,
OK. There's no comparison.
Well, suffice it to say,
that was the week I started
growing this mustache.
Well, it's closing time, guys.
I'm out of here.
I think me and my crew
are gonna hang out
here for a little while.
Listen, Fras, I'm sorry about
losing your $500 like that.
Hope Lilith doesn't give
you too tough a time.
Oh, you know, I paint a pretty
ugly picture of Lilith once in a while,
but deep down, she's really a
good-hearted, forgiving person.
Well, give her my best
when you get home.
Home? Are you nuts?
I'm staying at the Sheraton
for a couple of weeks.
Well, guys, that's another
half-hour that we wouldn't have had
if we hadn't have
gotten off that boat.
I tell you, a brush with death
like that really changes you.
From now on, I'm really
going to appreciate beer.
I'll go get my coat.
I tell you what gets me.
We almost get killed
for this jerk Robin Colcord,
and he didn't call us, didn't
send us flowers, didn't fax.
Not a word, no.
I tell you, that's the last time
I almost blow up for that guy.
Better call Vera, I suppose.
I'll bet she's worried sick.
Yeah, I tell you,
if I act upset enough,
I might be able to parlay
this into a poker weekend.
Ah, there you are, Sam.
Yeah, here I am.
I got back from
the union meeting.
I just now heard about
the explosion.
Well, we're all OK.
Yes, I can see that.
Now, would you sign
these release forms?
It's just a technicality
for my insurance department,
but it will protect you
from further hassles.
Release forms?
I mean, that's all
you care about
is saving your butt.
You know, we went
through hell out there.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I don't know
what I was thinking of.
Believe me, if I'd known there
was a bomb on board the boat,
I would never have
let you near it.
I just admire
your courage, and...
Will you let me do
something for you?
Now, Sam, how much do
you suppose your life is worth?
Would say $50,000?
Does that sound fair?
What are you talking about?
No, no, I've insulted you.
60,000... 50 in cash,
10 in stock options.
Come on,
stop. Hey, stop that.
This isn't about money.
This is about human
life... mine and my friends.
You know, you may not
understand this,
but some things you can't buy.
There are some things are
more precious than money...
Human life and a little
simple human dignity.
Yes, obviously you're
still hysterical, Sam.
No, I'm not. I'll
tell you something,
why don't you just
take your checkbook
and drop it down
your bauxite mine.
My life's worth more than money.
Sam, if you're
trying to haggle...
No, I'm not.
I don't want your money, OK?
I just want a little
simple apology
and a little concern
for all of us.
OK, uh, I'm sorry.
How are you?
OK.
Not too bad.
Yes, well, I'm off.
You believe that?
Rich people.
We almost died for him and he thinks
he can spread a little money around
and make it all right.
Yeah.
Rich people are sick.
I'm glad he didn't mention
that when I was here.
I would have taken
a poke at him.
Yeah, well,
I said it for us all.
I told him what to do
with his check.
We're with you, Sam.
Can you believe that?
Thinking he can come in here
and buy the 3 of us
for a measly $60,000.
Abandon Sammy!
Hey, Robin!
BOTH: Abandon Sammy!
Abandon Sammy!
a live studio audience.
Miss Howe, can I
have tomorrow off?
I pay you for 40 hours a week.
I expect 40 hours work.
Besides, I need you to
take me to go get my car
once it's finished
being detailed.
What time will that be?
Right after
my beauty shop appointment.
I'm getting cellophane
highlights put in my hair,
then I'm gonna have
a manicure and a pedicure.
A pedicure?
Yeah. I have a date
with Robin tonight.
I might want to play footsie.
All right, I can
drive you. Good.
But after that, if there's time,
could I take off?
Good, Woody, what
is so all-fired important
about your stupid life?
Well, I cook and deliver
meals to elderly shut-ins.
Oh.
I normally do it on my day off,
but this week on my day off
I'm doing a walk-a-thon
for illiteracy.
We're against it.
Well, then that
would be all right.
Oh, Miss Howe. Wait.
I'm recycling glass bottles.
I want this world to be
clean for our children.
I mean, my children.
Or your children.
Or our children.
Seeing as how you've got a
date with someone else tonight,
it seems like a long shot.
Woody, you're so
good, and I'm so bad.
I feel guilty and ashamed.
I feel like killing myself.
Oh, I also volunteer
for a suicide hotline.
We do good things.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to
get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪
Whoa.
[WHISTLES]
Oh, Sammy, blind me
with your beauty.
What's with
the fashion statement?
Well, I had a meeting over at
corporation about buying Cheers.
How did it go?
I talked them into it. They're
gonna sell me the bar back.
Back in the saddle.
Well, I'm not out
of the woods yet, you know.
I've got to raise
a little more capital,
and I have to find myself
a few new investors.
No, no, no,
guys, guys, whoa! Not you.
I'm talking about
people with real money.
What's the matter? Our
money's not good enough for you?
That's right.
OK.
For a second there
I was offended,
but I got over it.
So, Sammy,
how much cash do you need?
Uh, well...
In a word...
[GASP]
Isn't that how many
miles it is to the sun?
Yeah. Yeah,
maybe you're right.
Sammy, you can do it.
Yeah, right, no,
of course I can do it.
As a matter of fact,
this morning I made a rather
clever investment of $1,000.
Way to be, Sammy.
That's using the old noggin.
Let that money
work for you, pal.
What did you invest in?
This suit.
Looks pretty good,
doesn't it? Yeah.
I tell you, this jacket just
over Levi's alone is fabulous.
Well...
The notion of
investing is sound.
In fact, I have $500
here in my pocket
that Lilith has
entrusted me to invest
in a gilt-edged bond
for little Frederick's future.
So Lilith controls the
purse strings in your family?
Yes, with the eagle eye.
It's a good thing, too.
I mean, you know me,
left to my own devices,
wastrel that I am, I might blow
2 bucks a week on a lousy beer.
Well, investing
sounds good on paper,
but the problem is
with inflation,
when those bonds mature,
that money will be worthless.
So little Freddy will
lose money on the deal.
Oh, well, screw him.
It'll teach him life is real.
Hey, gang, look. It's
Gilligan and the millionaire.
Mr. Colcord, you're not
supposed to walk ahead of security.
It's all right.
I know these people.
Wait for me outside.
One security guard... big deal.
Boys, rendezvous at the limo.
12 security guards... big deal.
So, what's with all the g-men?
Oh, it's nothing, really.
Don't be modest, Robin.
People want to kill him.
You're
kidding me. Who?
I can't go into detail. Let's
just say that I'm involved
in delicate financial dealings
with some sensitive
political areas.
Ah, a little arms trading there?
That's Cliff.
People want to kill him, too.
Who's after you?
Who isn't? It's one of
the drawbacks of wealth.
Oh, well, enough of this
assassination folderol.
Do you want to hear
something really exciting?
Robin took me to the harbor
today to see his new sailboat,
and as coincidence
would have it,
it is called...
The Rebecca.
You named your boat
after Miss Howe?
No, I christened her
long before I met Miss Howe.
In fact, I named her
for the biblical Rebecca.
But that's not all.
I had an aunt who was named
after the biblical Rebecca,
and I'm named after her.
And that isn't the end of it.
She was big as a boat
and old as the Bible.
Ah, yes, Rebecca... wasn't
that the maiden
King David spied taking
a bath in her birthday suit?
No, I think that was Bathsheba.
I think Rebecca is the one
who turned into a pillar of salt.
No, that was lot's wife.
She didn't have
a name of her own.
What did lot do with her
after she turned into salt?
Kept her by the pretzels, I bet.
Did they have pretzels
in biblical times?
Yeah. I think
I just had one, too.
So, where's the boat now?
We just got
Rebecca out of dry dock,
scraping the barnacles
off her bottom.
Not one word.
This is a bar. I'm free
to say whatever I want.
I'll give you $5.00.
Mum's the word.
Yes, I'm preparing to sail her
in the Cape Cod
Regatta this afternoon.
Ah, fast boat, huh?
Yes. You won't find one
faster than Rebecca.
Ahem!
Sir, this just came
over the fax in the limousine.
Damn it.
My bauxite miners
are threatening me with
a wildcat strike at midnight
unless I negotiate
with them personally.
Bauxite, huh?
That's the stuff
they make missile
casings out of, isn't it?
Don't cut this guy off
in traffic.
Fax them I'm on my way,
and fill a briefcase
full of cash.
Yes, sir.
Drat.
There goes the race.
I spent all that time
cleaning Rebecca up,
and I can't get her
out of her slip.
That's worth $10
if it's worth a nickel.
It's too bad you can't
enter that race.
I hear in the paper
the first prize is $10,000.
It's up to $10,000?
Yeah.
Gentlemen, in the
time it takes me
to say $10,000, I make $10,000.
Oh, there I go again.
Look. $10,000.
Yes, it also
works if you say it.
Well, I'd better make some
calls and rattle some cages
before I go off to the mines.
Rebecca, is the phone
in your office tapped?
No.
Nothing she has has
been tapped for three years.
Sammy, why don't you
sail Robin's boat?
You could really use the money.
Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna
give his fancy boat
named after my fat aunt to you.
Well, you can ask him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course, he'll
probably laugh at me
and say, "why should
I give you my boat?"
But then I could say,
"well, it's a business deal,
"and if I win,
then you'll have
this beautiful trophy."
Yeah.
Of course then he'll
probably look at me and say,
"why should I give a yutz
like you my fancy boat?"
Then I'd say, "listen to me."
"I happen to be
a very good sailor.
"As a matter of fact, in '83 I
came close to winning that race.
"Where do you get off
calling me a yutz?
You don't
even know me."
He'd probably say,
"I may not know you,
but I know your kind."
That would really tick me off.
I'd say,
"I'll tell you something,
how about you just
step outside with me?"
Uh, I was thinking, Sam,
Rebecca tells me
you're a sailor.
Why don't you race my boat?
Oh, sure.
Yeah, great.
Hey, I happen to be
a very good sailor.
Yes. Fine.
And I'm not a yutz.
Good for you, Sam.
I'll call you later.
Sam, you can pick the keys
up at pier 17, the yacht club.
You'll need a crew.
Rebecca takes three men.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Buy four, get one free.
Guys, how about this?
I'm going to be in the
regatta this afternoon.
You just better not do
anything to that boat,
because Robin has promised me
the two of us are gonna take
a cruise on the Rebecca
to the Virgin Islands.
Wow. A boat
and an island
named after you in the same day.
All right, I've got to get
me a crew here, don't I?
Well, say there, Carla,
you're used to being
around sailors, aren't you?
I'm with you, Sammy.
Anything to get this bar back.
All right, that's one.
One more to go here.
Ahem.
Come on, you were in the
coast guard, weren't you?
Right, Sam.
I'd go with you in a second
if it weren't for those horses.
What horses?
Wild ones.
They don't make 'em
strong enough
to drag me on board a boat.
We'll be bringing
a cooler of beer.
Hyah! Hyah!
Come on!
All right!
Hey, I got my crew here.
All right, you guys,
I'm going to make a call
over to Gary's Olde Towne Tavern
to see if I can get
a little betting going on
with those pigeons down there.
OK, what do you say,
$100 says we lose?
Hey! Come on! Whoa!
All right, I'm sorry.
5 bucks says we win.
Hello, Gar? Cliff Clavin
over here at Cheers.
Hey, that's Mr. Weenie
to you, pal.
Let's huddle up here, fellas.
Listen, we got to remember
something here now.
We can no longer
think of ourselves
as three individuals.
We are three parts
of the same machine
working together.
Three people with
one single purpose.
Not to drown.
All right. All right.
Two single purposes...
Not to drown and win the race.
OK, what about
getting all wet and sick?
All right.
Three single purposes.
How about buying the bar back?
Four. Does anyone
have any paper?
Guys, I struck a deal with Gary.
He says he'll give 5 to 1 odds
if we can come up with
$500 cash before the race.
Where in the hell
we gonna get $500 cash?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who in the world
would carry $500
in their pocket?
Yeah. Got any ideas
there, Fras?
Let's see.
Um...
I find myself in
the horns of a dilemma.
Do I keep the money?
In which case
you guys would pants me and
hang me from the nearest flagpole.
Or do I give you the money?
In which case my darling wife will
see to it that I don't need pants again.
No. It seems to me there's
only one decent thing to do.
Run like a jack rabbit!
Oh, no, Lilith, you're mistaken.
You did not give me $500.
I mean, how would
I forget a thing like that?
Well, did you look under
all the sofa cushions?
How about behind your dresser?
Yes, well... well,
keep on looking.
Maybe it's in your web.
Hey, guys, All Sports is
showing Sammy's boat race.
Rounding the first buoy,
Orion's leading.
Mickey G is second,
and blue horizon a close third.
Rebecca's trailing dead last.
Come on, Sammy!
Baby needs
a bachelor of arts degree!
Don't worry there.
Sammy's an experienced sailor.
Oh, yeah, once
he whips Carla and Norm
into an experienced,
efficient crew,
he's gonna have that baby
sailing like a Swiss watch.
So you're telling me I
can kiss my $500 goodbye.
Pucker up, baby.
All right, guys, stand by!
Stand by on the mainsail!
Stand by to come about!
Hey, come on, guys.
What are you doing?
Standing by the cooler.
Can I get you anything?
Come on, this is your chance
to win back Sammy's bar here.
Come on, Sam, we've
lost the race, gotten sick,
made fools of ourselves.
I say it's Miller Time, pal.
Hey, what is that,
quitter's talk?
If it's not,
we'll think of some more.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.
How about another beer, Norm?
Yeah, coming up.
Uh-oh. That's it
for the cheap stuff.
See if Colcord keeps
anything in his fridge.
Oh, yeah. Break it out.
Bingo. All right.
Why would Colcord keep a
digital clock in his refrigerator?
That's weird.
Yeah. It has all these
wires coming out of it.
It's going backwards, too.
Does it have a snooze button?
No, it just has this
thing marked detonator.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
What? I can't keep coming
down here every 2 seconds!
Come on, guys, you
should be up there.
We're all gonna be up
there in a second, Sam.
Over here, over
there, everywhere.
We're gonna be chum, pal.
What are you talking about?
There's a bomb in the fridge.
What?
Oh, no!
No, no, OK, OK.
Oh, boy.
Well, maybe it's, uh...
One of those devices
to keep you from raiding
the refrigerator, huh?
No. Trust me, Sammy.
I've seen them all.
OK, looks like we got
about 28 minutes there.
Let's not panic.
Let go.
Don't touch me.
All right, OK, we'll just, uh,
we'll call the coast guard
is what we'll do here.
They'll know what to do.
All right, just don't
panic here, don't panic.
Panic's our worst enemy.
Yeah, well, this bomb
is a close second.
Mayday, mayday.
Damn, the thing doesn't seem
to be working here.
Oh, God.
Mayday...
OK, well, there's your
problem there, Sammy.
Well, what do we
do now, skipper?
I think we ought to
rely on an old skill
that I learned in
the coast guard.
Radios, munitions...
No, no. Abandon
ship! Abandon ship!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
All right, careful, careful.
I got it.
All right.
All right, what are
those fins out there?
Sharks!
Abandon water!
Abandon water!
Oh, hold it. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
How about this...
If one of us is
willing to go overboard
and create a diversion
for the sharks,
then maybe Sammy and I
could swim to safety.
I never liked you, Carla.
All right, all right.
Sammy, wait a minute.
What about your dinghy?
Yeah. That's what
I'll miss most of all.
Idiot! I mean the little
boat we can get away in.
Oh, yeah. What
am I thinking here?
All right, OK, here we go.
All right.
How's it work?
Take it on deck and
you pull this cord.
No, not yet!
"Pull cord, you're
going to die."
Oh, we're going to die!
We're going to die!
We're going to die!
Listen, listen,
you guys, listen.
We've still got time here.
If you help me,
maybe we can sail this thing
to shore before it blows up.
You really think we can do it?
Yeah, yeah.
You bet I do.
If we don't, we'll
die trying. Come on.
Let's go for it, Sammy.
Get this rope.
I got it.
If I go, I'm not going alone.
Were you scared, Sam?
Are you kidding? I saw my
hair pass before my eyes.
It was unbelievable. I've
never seen anything like it.
Really. We just
barely made it
to this little inlet, right?
We jumped off the
boat, onto the beach.
We ran about 50 yards,
and this baby exploded
like a roman candle.
I'm telling you, there were
bits of boat everywhere.
Unbelievable. That
is truly horrifying.
Yeah, how about this?
Is that where a piece
of boat hit you?
No, I ripped my thumb
on one of Colcord's beer.
Those imports don't
have twist-offs. Still smarts.
You know, something very similar
happened to me
about 10 years go.
You see, my ma was making us
homemade bread in the crock pot...
Cliff, unless that crock
pot exploded in your face,
I don't want to hear about it,
OK. There's no comparison.
Well, suffice it to say,
that was the week I started
growing this mustache.
Well, it's closing time, guys.
I'm out of here.
I think me and my crew
are gonna hang out
here for a little while.
Listen, Fras, I'm sorry about
losing your $500 like that.
Hope Lilith doesn't give
you too tough a time.
Oh, you know, I paint a pretty
ugly picture of Lilith once in a while,
but deep down, she's really a
good-hearted, forgiving person.
Well, give her my best
when you get home.
Home? Are you nuts?
I'm staying at the Sheraton
for a couple of weeks.
Well, guys, that's another
half-hour that we wouldn't have had
if we hadn't have
gotten off that boat.
I tell you, a brush with death
like that really changes you.
From now on, I'm really
going to appreciate beer.
I'll go get my coat.
I tell you what gets me.
We almost get killed
for this jerk Robin Colcord,
and he didn't call us, didn't
send us flowers, didn't fax.
Not a word, no.
I tell you, that's the last time
I almost blow up for that guy.
Better call Vera, I suppose.
I'll bet she's worried sick.
Yeah, I tell you,
if I act upset enough,
I might be able to parlay
this into a poker weekend.
Ah, there you are, Sam.
Yeah, here I am.
I got back from
the union meeting.
I just now heard about
the explosion.
Well, we're all OK.
Yes, I can see that.
Now, would you sign
these release forms?
It's just a technicality
for my insurance department,
but it will protect you
from further hassles.
Release forms?
I mean, that's all
you care about
is saving your butt.
You know, we went
through hell out there.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I don't know
what I was thinking of.
Believe me, if I'd known there
was a bomb on board the boat,
I would never have
let you near it.
I just admire
your courage, and...
Will you let me do
something for you?
Now, Sam, how much do
you suppose your life is worth?
Would say $50,000?
Does that sound fair?
What are you talking about?
No, no, I've insulted you.
60,000... 50 in cash,
10 in stock options.
Come on,
stop. Hey, stop that.
This isn't about money.
This is about human
life... mine and my friends.
You know, you may not
understand this,
but some things you can't buy.
There are some things are
more precious than money...
Human life and a little
simple human dignity.
Yes, obviously you're
still hysterical, Sam.
No, I'm not. I'll
tell you something,
why don't you just
take your checkbook
and drop it down
your bauxite mine.
My life's worth more than money.
Sam, if you're
trying to haggle...
No, I'm not.
I don't want your money, OK?
I just want a little
simple apology
and a little concern
for all of us.
OK, uh, I'm sorry.
How are you?
OK.
Not too bad.
Yes, well, I'm off.
You believe that?
Rich people.
We almost died for him and he thinks
he can spread a little money around
and make it all right.
Yeah.
Rich people are sick.
I'm glad he didn't mention
that when I was here.
I would have taken
a poke at him.
Yeah, well,
I said it for us all.
I told him what to do
with his check.
We're with you, Sam.
Can you believe that?
Thinking he can come in here
and buy the 3 of us
for a measly $60,000.
Abandon Sammy!
Hey, Robin!
BOTH: Abandon Sammy!
Abandon Sammy!