Cheers (1982–1993): Season 8, Episode 13 - Sammy and the Professor - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Last call, everybody!

Already? Boy,
I can't believe it.

Oh. Time plays funny tricks on
you when you get older, Woody.

Yeah. You're not
a kid anymore, Wood Man.

Yes. Life rushes past you.

Months and years seem to blend

into one indistinguishable blur,

while from behind you hear
the steady relentless beat

of the approaching wings
of grim-faced death.

I just meant my watch was slow,



but now I don't think I'm going
to be able to sleep tonight.

Making your way
in the world today

takes everything you've got

taking a break
from all your worries

sure would help a lot

wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

where everybody knows your name

and they're always glad you came

you want to be where you can see

our troubles are all the same

you want to be

where everybody knows your name

you want to go where people know



people are all the same

you want to go

where everybody knows your name

Hey, Carla.

This is a black, black day.

The school out already?

Worse. I got a letter
from the IRS.

Poor kid.
What does it say?

I'm afraid to open it.

Hey. It may not be that bad.

Sammy, I just said
it was from the IRS,

the guys who got Al Capone.

Well, Carla, being afraid of
one of the most omnipotent

and powerful agencies in the world
is, of course, quite understandable,

but the anxiety caused by not
dealing with what's in that letter

is far worse than
the real situation.

Yeah. Maybe you guys
are right.

Nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm getting audited.

And that.

I'm getting audited.
Next stop, prison.

What am I going to do?

Probably make license plates.

Come on,
audits happen every day.

I did thousands of them
when I was an accountant.

All you need to do is get
yourself a good accountant.

I don't have time for that.

Will you do it, Norm?

Sorry, Carla. I'm a
painter now. Can't do it.

But if you do want your jail
cell painted Navajo white...

Listen, I am desperate.
I'll pay you.

OK. All right,
I'll do it.

All right, fair enough.
I think what you have to do

is bury the auditor
in paperwork, all right?

I want you to get your hands
on receipts. Any receipt you have.

If you don't have them,
just make them up.

That's illegal.

All right.
Forget it, then.

No, not at all.
The kids will love it.

We'll make it a family project.

OK, everybody get to work.

Woody, polish the bar rails.

Carla, scrape all the gum
from underneath the table tops.

Why should I?

Because you put it there.

Come on, you guys.

My favorite college
professor's coming to town.

I've invited her to dinner.

Oh, Sam, straighten up
all those cocktail napkins.

I want all the jokes pointing
in the same direction.

Whoa, whoa. Don't you think
you're going overboard

on these superficial
little things?

I mean, who's going to notice?

Sam, your hair's clumping
up a little bit on this side.

What? Oh, hey, guys,

you're supposed to tell me
when this happens!

Maybe I am getting
a little bit crazy.

It's just that I don't know why
somebody like Professor Volkman

would come and see
somebody like me.

You see, I was sort of
a mess in school.

And I was always sucking
up to people, you know,

always trying
to please everybody.

Now, how have you changed?

I got my braces off.

Oh, I hope she likes my
teeth. Sam, what do you think?

They look pretty good to me.

Let's give them a taste.

Oh, ick. Don't say stupid things
like that when you're around her.

I have a great deal of respect
for Alice Anne Volkman.

She's not only a remarkable
teacher and lecturer,

but also the author of a book
that's on the best-sellers list.

Maybe you've heard of it...
Speak out and score.

Oh, yeah.
I read that book.

You read her book?

You read a book?

Well... To tell you the
truth, it was an accident.

I mean, who knew speak out and
score would be about business?

I thought it was
about babes, you know.

You know, oddly enough,

that business stuff
really works on babes.

Well, Sammy, maybe
when she comes here,

you can ask her
some business tips

on how to buy back Cheers.

Oh, that's a good idea, man.

Sammy, you seem like
shocked that I had a good idea.

Oh, no. I... I didn't
mean it that way.

Actually, I'm
kind of surprised, too.

I think I'll celebrate
by having a beer.

Damn, there's another good idea.

Wow. I hope this
isn't it for the year.

Sam, I do not want you
talking to her

about business or babes
or anything else.

I am trying to impress
the woman.

And you asked her
to meet you here?

You asked her
to meet you, period?

Honey, catch a train to reality.

Eww!

This piece is fresh.

Oh. Hey, I was
looking for that one.

It has some
good chews left. Ohh.

I'm Alice Volkman. I'm
looking for Rebecca Howe.

Oh, God. Ow!

Never mind. I think
I've found her.

Hi, Alice, it's good to see you.

Oh, sorry. I was just trying
to make this bar look good.

Here, have a seat.

Would you like
something to drink?

Uh, some white wine.

Some white wine.

Well, Rebecca,
it's great to see you.

And I might add,
you look sensational.

And you look terrific, too.

Might I say that you
have not changed

one iota since college.

I think you look better now,

and I didn't even know you then.

Him I like.

Oh, Sam, this is
Alice Anne Volkman,

one of the finest,
most inspiring educators

and business minds of our time.

Alice, this is Sam...

A flunky.

Pleasure.

How do you do?

Hey, teach, Carla LeBec.

Listen, I got this,
uh, business problem.

I'm being audited by the IRS,

and I'm a little scared.

Oh, well, don't be.

The IRS auditors aren't
inherently evil monsters and sadists.

They're people...

Just like you.

Boy, I'm in worse trouble
than I thought.

Alice, I am so honored that you
took time out of your busy schedule

to spend time with me.

Well, I always like
to keep track

of my former pupils, and, uh,

you were always
one of my favorites.

Thank you.

Uh, may I have some soda
in this, please?

Sure. So she was your,
uh, best student, huh?

Oh, God, no,

but she was one of my favorites.

Oh, sure, some of the kids
got better grades,

some were more creative,

and some you just knew were
going to make it, but Rebecca...

Oh, gee, what was my point?

Oh, yes.

No one wanted success

more fiercely than Becky Howe.

You just can't
beat determination.

Even today, I hold Rebecca up
as an example to my students.

You do?

You bet.
I tell them about

that little talk we had at
the end of the senior year.

Remember what I said to you?

That I flunked the final, and have to
repeat the course in summer school,

and get my diploma in the mail?

Uh-huh.
And you did it.

You held your head up
and persevered.

Anyone else would have
had a nervous breakdown.

I did have a nervous breakdown.

But you completed the course,

as well as, uh,

several lovely
macrame plant hangers.

And today she's our leader.

Listen, I hope this is not a
bad time to ask you this, but, uh,

I... I'm thinking about
buying back this bar.

I was wondering if you
could give me some advice

on how to save a lot of money.

No, Sam, excuse me,

but Alice and I have
reservations up at Melville's.

Well, maybe I could
just tag along.

I won't be in the way.
Come on, I'll treat, huh?

Oh, well, if that's your idea of
saving money, we do need to talk.

Come on, kids.
It's on me.

Great.

Oh, listen, if you guys are
going up to Melville's

to have one of their
special dinners

with all the appetizers
and the desserts and everything,

would you bring back
something for me?

Sure.
What do you want?

Your receipt.

You know, I'm really
impressed you read my book.

I read it, too...

In hardcover.

You should have waited for the
paperback. Saved a few bucks.

Oh, I didn't buy it. I
checked it out of the library.

Oh, there go those royalties.

You know what I love
about your book

is the way you lay out that
whole philosophy thing...

Dare, decide it, do it.

That's just so memorable.

Well, that was no accident.

The common denominator
is commitment.

Plus they all begin with DS.

Yeah, well...

The key is decisiveness.

You know, that was always
Rebecca's failing in school.

She could never take a stand.

She always had to ask what
somebody else thought

before she knew
what she thought.

But I've changed since then.

Have you made a decision, ma'am?

The rest of your party are
halfway through their salads.

Is the swordfish fresh?

It was when you
started ordering.

All right, I know
what I want now.

Not chicken.

I'll have the spinach salad,
lamb chops in mint jelly,

and the broiled new potatoes.

That sounds good. How'd you
come up with such a great combo?

It's the number 2.

What's this?

It's our dessert menu.

I thought you might like
to hit the ground running.

Alice, I have something for you.

It's something very special,

and it's something
that I have waited

a very long time to give you.

Wha... this is your term paper
from January, 1977.

Yeah. I bet you thought that
I'd stopped working on it.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to knock
you down a half a grade for being tardy.

It's just that I wanted it
off my conscience.

It's the first "F" I ever got.

But then it led
to all those other Fs,

so I... I wanted to feel
a sense of completion.

Granted, it's a tad bit
dated in places.

"Jimmy Carter,
the three term president."

It could still happen.

He was a physicist,
did you know that?

Yes. Page two.

Well, I'll look forward
to reading it.

You had a question about
how to buy Cheers?

Yes, I do.

What's the question?

How do I buy Cheers?

Sam, forget it. It's just a pipe
dream. It's never going to happen.

Oh, Rebecca,
nothing's impossible.

Nothing's impossible. If you
put your mind to it, you can do it.

We have faith in you.

Rebecca, honey, relax.

You don't have to
impress me. You never did.

I never did have to impress you,

or I never did impress you?

Hmm, that's a pick 'em.

Miss Howe?

Phone for you downstairs.
It's Robin Colcord.

The Robin Colcord?

Well, I don't know.

If you mean
the fabulously handsome,

wealthy multimillionaire,
yes, that's him.

Woody, would you please tell
Robin Colcord

that I will call him back
at my convenience.

Miss Howe, I know you told me
to come up here

and pretend Robin Colcord's
on the phone for you,

but he really is.

And you kept him on hold
all this time?

Well, why didn't you
tell me? Move it!

What about your meal?

Woody, you handle it.

I think I'm going to need some
more mint jelly and lots of ketchup.

Rebecca?

You OK?

You never came back last night.

Oh, I'm sorry, Alice,

but you know how it is

when you're on the phone with
someone like Robin Colcord.

First we're conference
calling, then tel-starring,

and then bouncing satellites
all over the solar system.

Oh, Rebecca, wait a minute..

You got a fax from Robin.

Uh...

"Sorry I left you
on hold last night

"and never got back to you,

but something came up,
and I had to fly to Stuttgart."

Oh. Thank you, Carla.

Well, I guess I can hang up now.

You were on hold
since last night?

Don't be ridiculous.

I called him again this morning.

I've only been on
hold a couple of hours.

So, uh, I apologize for
leaving you up at Melville's.

Oh, no problem.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Fine. Sam was nice enough to
drive me back to the hotel.

Good.

So I asked him
into the bar downstairs

to discuss his plans
to buy back Cheers.

You know, you are so terrific.

It is no wonder that I have
idolized you all these years.

So after drinks, we moved
the conversation up to my room,

had a night cap, talked
a little more, did it,

and this morning had quite
a nice continental breakfast.

So the hotel offers a free
continental breakfast whenever...

Did it?

You slept with Sam Malone?

Oh, is that his last name?

Well, I'd love
to stay here and chat,

but I've got to get back to the
hotel if I'm going to get a nap

before my seminar tonight.

Don't give away
all your dental secrets.

Hey, prof.

Hi, Sam.

How you doing?
Fine. Yourself?

Pretty good. Think
we're going to get snow?

No. It's too cold.

Yeah. You're
probably right. Bye-bye.

Sam...

May I speak with you over
here privately a second?

Sure.

Think we'll get any snow?

You germ.

What?

You insect.

I cannot believe you slept
with Alice Anne Volkman.

And how could you take advantage
of a lonely older woman like that?

Oh, sweetheart,
when the lights go out,

everybody's the same
age, and nobody's lonely.

I cannot believe you
made my mentor... my idol...

Just another notch
on your bedpost.

Hey, hey.
That's not true.

I don't have a bedpost,

which you'd know if you'd ever had
the decency to come to my bedroom.

This is my fault.

I never should
have brought her here.

All I ever wanted to do
was impress the woman.

Well, I got some
good news for you.

First thing she said after
she put out her cigarette was,

"hey, Sam, you're
very impressive."

How can you be so insensitive?

She's not another one
of your dumb bimbos!

She doesn't just
take sex lightly, you know.

What are you going to do when
she wants to see you again?

See? Oh, please.

Yes. She's
a very classy woman.

She probably thinks there's
some kind of commitment here.

I don't... I don't think so.

Sam, trust me.

Well...

You know her better than I do.

I certainly don't want
any misunderstanding here.

I'll give her a call.

Oh, yeah, right.

Some faceless, anonymous,
blow-off phone call

that you have made a
thousand times before.

That's why I suggested it.

I tell you what you are
going to do, young man...

You are going to march over
to that hotel right now,

and you are going to
straighten things out.

Hey, first of all, I only march
when my mom tells me,

and, second, if I go over
there, I'm still on the clock.

That's another one of those
business things we discussed...

In the shower.

Boy, it's getting scary
around here.

Why do you say that, Woody?

Well, I mean, if Carla's
getting audited,

can I be far behind?

Come on, Woody. From what you
make, and the way you handle it,

if you made a dollar less,

I do believe you'd
qualify for food stamps.

All right.
Then I'm sitting pretty.

All right.

OK...cliff,

I treated you to dinner
at the Ritz-Carlton

on August 16th of last year
to discuss career matters.

Hold on. You know, uh,

I'd like to find out a little
bit more about this scam

before I lend
my good name to it.

Noe, what kind of career
matters did we discuss?

Your career in the
Vienna boys' choir.

Oh, yeah. That was a
tasty little dinner, wasn't it?

Four star.

OK, Norm...Look, if anybody
asks, on November 25th,

I bought you a Mercedes
for business reasons.

It's got one of those
car phones, right?

Yeah.

Don't tell Vera the number.

Carla, I don't get it.

You buy Mr. Clavin dinner,
you buy Mr. Peterson a new car.

What about me?
I'm your friend.

OK. Woody. Um...

On march 15th, I
took you to Hawaii.

Sure.
The rainy season.

Is there a
Mrs. Carla LeBec here?

Who wants to know?

I'm Donald Zajac,
Internal Revenue Service.

I'm the Widow LeBec.

Mrs. LeBec, do you
own this bar?

Get out of here. Do I
look like I own this bar?

Frankly, no.

But someone with an income
of $1.3 million

obviously isn't
a cocktail waitress.

Don, is that you?

Hey, Peterson,
how are you doing?

All right, buddy.
Whoa.

Hey, you think Carla
owns this place?

That's some kind of
major snafu, pal.

What have you got, one of those
American-made computer?

I guess you're right, Norman.

If she made that kind of money,

why would she dress like this?

These are my good clothes.

I even got my hair done.

The thought that Carla could
ever pull down a million bucks

is absolutely nuts.

All the tips she's ever made in
her life wouldn't amount to that,

even if she did report it,
you know what I mean?

Well, carry on.

I think you'd better come
with me, Mrs. LeBec,

and get your receipts.

And they all better be genuine.

I'm going to get you, Norm.

I don't care if they put me
in solitary confinement

with nothing but
bread and water.

I'll survive,
because I got a mission...

Get Norm Peterson!

You remember, I got friends
on the outside!

By the way, Carla... no charge.

Rebecca, honey...

You didn't come to my
seminar. I was surprised.

Is something going on?

I just couldn't
face you, Alice...

Not with all you've
been through,

and I knew it was my fault.

What are you talking about?

Sam.

Malone, right?

Right. I sent him over to your
hotel to straighten things out.

Did you two clear the air?

Yes we did. And then
we steamed it up again.

I don't get this.

You are Alice Anne Volkman,
my mentor.

He is...

Sam Malone.

He's nothing.
He's a bartender.

Listen, honey, you should
do so well at my age.

Come to think of it, you
should do so well at your age.

You're probably right.

I mean,
you always did know best.

But then again, I mean, you went
to bed with Sam, so that makes...

Ah, I'm just so confused.

Rebecca, slow down.

Take a deep breath.

Close your eyes,

and get a handle
on your feelings.

All right.

On one hand, I'm a little disappointed
with you for what you've done.

But on the other hand, I mean,
I think, well, hell,

it's your life. I mean,
you know what you want...

Rebecca, choose.

You're a slut!

Very good.

That's the first time I've
ever heard you take a stand

without worrying about
offending someone.

You're a soulless pig
of a rotten slut!

Slut!

Now I'm offended.

I'm sorry.
I take it all back.

Oh, don't do that. I was just
beginning to respect you.

Oh...slut.

Now you're just
trying to kiss up.

Oh, by the way, I read your,
uh, paper on President Carter.

I liked it very much.

You did?
Thank you.

In fact,
I gave you an "a."

Thank you.

Hey, prof.

I'm giving you an a-plus.

Thank you.

Hey, have a nice, safe flight.

See you spring break.

It's an inside joke.

Last night, we broke
a few springs.

Sam, I have this overwhelming
feeling of liberation.

Yeah?

No, I... I... I just
told my mentor...

She was a slut.

Now, I don't care
what other people think.

I know what's important now
is what I think.

And I know I'm as smart
as anyone else.

You're a lot smarter than I am.

I didn't know he was a
peanut farmer that long.

Man, this has been a hell
of a couple of days, hasn't it?

You know, but everything turned
out for the best for everybody.

You know, I learned a
really good lesson about life.

And, um,

I think Alice had a good time

with, you know, stuff you and
she were doing all the time.

And, um...

Of course, you got all that great
business information from her!

Yeah, actually, I never
did get any advice from her.

She kept saying she
was going to give it to me,

but then we ended up in bed...

After she said she was going to
give it to me the next day,

but we...Ended up
in bed again.

You know, she never
really told me anything.

Now she's gone.

Well...it's still been a
hell of a couple of days.

That slut.