Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 7 - How to Win Friends and Electrocute People - full transcript

WOMAN ( on TV): You're
up pretty late, aren't you?

Nothing better to
do than watch TV?

Feeling a little
lonely in the big city?

Come and join the party.

Call 5, double five, P-R-T-Y,

for the best party line
in Boston, that's right.

There are lots of fun
people on the line right now

waiting for you to
join in their fun talk.

Only $2.00 plus toll if
any, for three minutes

of party line madness.

Why don't you try it?



There's only one way to find out

what sort of wild
people call the party line.

Dial 5, double five, P-R-T-Y.

( TV shuts off)

Hi, my name's Woody
and I'm from Indiana and I...

Oh, hi, Mr. Clavin.

Hey!

( piano plays)

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪



How about over here
by the bar, Miss Howe?

Do we really have to do this?

What's going on?

I'll be right with you.

The Globe's doing an article
on women who run pubs.

Now he wants to take my picture.

I really dread this, Sam.

Why?

Because I get so tensed up

in front of a camera.

All of a sudden

I start looking like
something the cat coughed up.

Ooh, can I have an
eight-by-ten for my mantelpiece?

How about a two-by-four
for your bridgework?

Listen, let me give
you a few hints here.

I had a lot of pictures taken
of me when I was playing ball.

Just relax, take the
tip of your tongue

and wet your lips.

Good.

Now, wet my lips.

Oh, Malone!

Uh-oh, you're tensing
up now, just relax.

( camera shutter clicks)

Thank you.

No, wait a minute!

You can't use that picture!

I had my tongue sticking out.

Can I have three copies of that?

Now, please, take another
picture and warn me this time.

I want this to look
natural and spontaneous.

Come on, come
on. You gotta relax.

Think of something ridiculous.

Like what?

Like him.

( giggles)

Hey, you're better than the
Snoopy puppets I use with the kids.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Boy, oh, boy.

How many times have I
walked through that door, huh?

Yep, good-bye old bar.

Take care, old stool.

Where you going, Cliff?

I'm going in for
surgery tomorrow.

Who knows if I'll ever walk
into God's blue sky again.

It's all up to the man upstairs.

Vic, the maître
d' at Melville's?

No, Woody. No, never mind.

What, what are you,
what are you talking about?

Well, it took a lot of expensive

and complicated tests, Sammy,

but they finally found out

what that pain was
in my abdomen.

The experts call
it appendicitis.

( all chuckling)

Woo, Cliffie, come on.

Now, that's a simple... you
know, I had it when I was a kid.

There's nothing to it.

I actually liked having
my appendix out.

My parents told me I could
have all the ice cream I wanted.

No, Woody,

I think you're
talking about tonsils.

Well, it was a long time
ago, Sam, but I'm pretty sure

it was ice cream.

So when are you going in?

It's tomorrow.

Now, look, I want you guys
to promise me, you know,

if I don't pull through
this thing, you know,

there'll be no big,
emotional scenes,

no eulogies,

just a small memorial service

where you guys sit around and
tell the funniest stories about me.

Okay, I got dibs on this one.

Great news, everybody!

Lilith and I have just gotten
back from the auto club.

LILITH: We have the complete

itinerary for our motoring trip

through the U.S.A.
in our Chevrolet.

It's a Mercedes, dear.

That was a joke, Frasier.

Oh, I forgot I married a madcap.

Hey, listen, folks,
nobody's really interested

about your little motor trip.

We're talking about
my upcoming surgery.

So, now, where was I?

So you gonna see
the Grand Canyon?

Yeah, don't miss Yosemite.

WOODY: Listen, if you've go

to the alligator farm
outside Tallahassee,

tell Ivar Woody says hey, hey.

FRASIER: Of course. Okay,
gather around everybody.

I'll show you the
interstates we're gonna take.

Sam, can I talk to
you for a minute?

Sure, have a seat.

Frasier and I

will be covering over
4,500 miles round trip,

and I think it's only fair

that I share some
of the driving.

However, I am handicapped
by one tiny thing.

I've never operated a
motorized vehicle before.

You don't know how to drive?

I always meant to learn,

but when I was a teenager,
I was too busy having fun.

Would you teach me, Sam?

Uh, well, what about Frasier?

We're too close.

I need someone to whom I have

no emotional
attachment whatsoever.

So as a friend, would
you do me this favor?

Yeah, why not?

When do we start?

The sooner the better.

All right.

Um, how do you think I'll do?

I've never had a woman
in a car that didn't do great.

Wonderful.

You teach me to drive,

I'll help you with
your sense of humor.

Here's where you've
got to be real careful.

You see, I-75 runs
right down here into I-30.

Now, if you don't
stay in that far left lane,

it's hello, Tulsa!

Well, I've got to be
moseying on, you guys.

I'll, you know, see you later.

I'm going under the knife
in about 12 hours or so.

Yeah, look, don't feel

that you have to go out
of your way to stop by,

you know, and visit,

New England Presbyterian,
Room one niner four,

visiting hours between
11:00 and 9:00.

Cliffie, I'm sure everything
is going to be just okay.

Oh, yeah, well, no,
sure, there's no...

You know, I'm in the hands
of skilled professionals.

It's not like the old days,

is it, you know, where they
give you a shot of whiskey,

lick the scalpel and
they go a-carving, huh?

You know, the same
is true in my profession.

Time was when a person's
behavior deviated in any way

from what society
considered normal,

the town barber
would take a rusty drill,

bore a hole in your head,
and let the evil spirits out.

Well, it's a good thing we
didn't live back then, huh?

Yeah, you'd be looking
pretty much like a whiffle ball

by now, wouldn't ya?

I don't believe you guys.

That's it. I'm leaving.

Come on. Fine! Fine!

Who needs your kind
around here anyway?

Gentlemen!

Now I think that this bar
is big enough for people

who like The Addams
Family and The Munsters.

Okay, all right, fine.

I'll take back what I
said about Cousin It.

That's okay, it was in
the heat of the moment.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey,
here's that article

they interviewed Rebecca for.

Look at that.

Oh, hey, how's her picture?

There isn't one.

Oh, God, it was so crummy
they didn't even print it.

Oh, wait a minute.

There it is, right
there on the back.

How is it?

ALL: Eww!

Is it that bad?

No, Norm got cheese
whiz all over the paper.

Actually, the picture's not bad.

Not bad?

It's great.

Let me see that.

This is a decent picture of me.

Look at that!

I'm gorgeous and sexy.

And dead as a doornail.

What?

You're in the obituaries.

Oh, God!

No, don't feel bad, it
says you died in bed.

I didn't know you helped
build the Panama Canal.

Woody, that is
someone else's obituary.

I am not dead.

I am a living,
breathing human being.

I know that.

So where'd they put
all the dirt, anyway?

Excuse me, can I get
someone to sign for these?

Yo, right over here.

Let me see these.

Oh, they're from
corporate headquarters.

Did we do well last month?

"Dear friends at Cheers,
we mourn the loss

"of Rebecca Howe.

At last her pain is over."

I'm going to call them
up, straighten this out

before they start making
funeral arrangements.

If I were you, I'd
have a closed casket.

Yeah, well, why Grandpa
Munster never won an Emmy,

I'll never know.

Come on, maybe it's because
he stole his whole character

from Uncle Fester.

Oh, Lord, is this
still going on?!

This has got to be one
of the stupidest arguments

I've ever heard since I
started coming to this bar.

Hey, we resent that.

Yeah, why wasn't
it the stupidest?

Well, frankly, it lacks
meaningless statistics

and inane historical trivia.

Say, where is Cliff anyway?

Yeah, is he still
in the hospital?

Uh, I don't know,
how's he doing?

I thought you were
going to go see him.

Well, I tried, I mean, I got
as far as the hospital lobby,

but you know, the smell of
alcohol makes me really queasy.

Well, I, you know, I was gonna
go see him, but I got to wait

until I have a night off here.

Woody? How about you?

Oh, that's what this
string on my finger is for.

What the heck is this one for?

Surely somebody gave him a call

or sent flowers, a card?

Carla?

Yeah, right.

( muttering excuses)

Look, this is terrible!

Don't you realize

that since Cliff's
mother moved to Florida,

we are his sole support group?

This desertion in
his hour of crisis

could cause him
deep emotional scars.

So why didn't you go see him?

Well, what, I don't have a life?

I think we ought to go
down there right now

and tell Mr. Clavin
how we feel about him.

Don't you think that
would be a little cruel?

I mean, the guy just
had an operation.

Actually, visiting
hours are over.

We're going to have to
wait until tomorrow. Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

Cliff's at New
England Presbyterian.

That's on my rounds... I
have to go by there tonight.

I can get in to see him.

Well, great, why
don't you go buy a card

and date it yesterday,

sign all our names to it, okay?

Slam dunk.

Is that going to be enough?

Come on, it's just
an appendectomy.

They're taking out
a useless organ.

He's chock-full of those.

Ah, excuse me, I'm Dr. Crane.

Uh, where is Mr. Clavin?

He was just discharged.

Oh, great, just my luck.

I'm the one who gets to run all
over town to find a stupid card

for the idiot, Clavin,
and he isn't even here.

Just a token of
how much we care.

Don't you want to read the card?

I, uh, just forgot my jacket.

Well, you're going to
hear it anyway, Cliff.

"Glad you're feeling better.

"So sorry you were ill.

"If you thought things
were bad before,

wait till you get the bill."

Oh, that zesty greeting
card humor, huh?

( chuckling)

Well, gee, Cliff, I
was just trying to help.

You want to help?

Well, uh, maybe
you can help with this.

I, uh,

I been doing some
soul searching here.

A man gets a lot of time to think
with a tube up his nose, and...

What I... what I
realized is that, uh...

I'm alone in this world.

I mean, uh, nobody
came to visit me.

Not one of my so-called
friends out there

even bothered to
walk through that door.

Look, and they all feel
terrible about it, Cliff.

They lead busy lives.

They just couldn't
find the time.

Come on, Doc, cut
the malarkey, will you?

They found the
time to visit Sammy

when he was in the hospital.

And Carla when she had the twin.

Normie, when he went
in for the butt tuck...

I know why they didn't visit.

It's because it was me.

No, Cliff.

Oh, yeah, come on, Doc.

They don't like me,
they don't really care.

Come on, you can
tell me the truth.

Go ahead, right between
the eyes, give it to me.

Well, I suppose you're not

the most popular
person in the bar.

Oh, and you are, huh?

Doc, you suppose
comments like that

are part of the problem?

Could be.

God, I don't believe it.

I mean, all these years,
and I never realized it.

( chuckling softly)

Could I really be
that insensitive?

( man groaning)

Cliff.

Oh, God, I am insensitive.

Hey, sorry there, old timer.

What can I do about it?

A little therapy
might not be amiss.

Oh, no, Doc, isn't there
something better than therapy?

I mean, you know, something

a little quicker; you
know, a little easier.

We're talking about a major
personality change, Cliff.

It's not like you're
trying to quit smoking.

We can't give you
an electric shock

every time you
reach for a cigarette.

Hey, hey, hey, yeah,
that's not a bad idea.

Now, now, now, just calm down.

Look, maybe I'm
overstating the problem.

Maybe all you need to get
people to like you a little better

is just some good,
old-fashioned politeness.

Maybe you don't need to
take any desperate measures.

Oh, yes, he does.

So, you get ahold of him?

No, no, no, just get

the darned answering
machine all the time.

I hate that message.

It's not so much the
content of the message

as the fact that Cliff sings
it to the tune of "Volare."

Well, he's got to come
back sooner or later.

Look, I suggest
that when he does,

we all give him a
very warm welcome.

Well, all I'm promising is
not to treat him like a bug.

Well, you see, Carla's
willing to go that extra mile.

Hello, Frasier.

Ah.

Hello, blossom bottom,
how was your lesson?

I like driving.

It's a wonderful feeling.

Total control of
woman over machine.

The speed, the power,
the ecstasy... I was jazzed.

You know,

you're insane.

You're a maniac.

You're certifiable.

I'm glad to see you're
talking to me again.

Has your nose stopped bleeding?

Geez, Sam, are you all right?

No thanks to your wife.

I cannot believe you made
that gesture to that guy.

I see people make that
gesture to Frasier all the time.

Yeah, but Frasier's not
driving an 18-wheeler

with a little bumper sticker

that says "Insured
by Smith & Wesson."

Well, he cut me off.

That happens all the time.

It doesn't mean that
you gun it up to 80

and run the guy off the road.

I blew his doors off, didn't I?

The last thing you want to
do is stop the car, get out,

and start poking your
finger in the folds of his neck.

I wasn't afraid; I thought
you could handle him.

Yeah, well, I tried, didn't I?

Oh, yes, that vicious head
butt to his fist sent him reeling.

Hey, come on.

Come on, honey, let's
hurry and have lunch.

I'm anxious to
take you for a spin.

Certainly, my dear.

Yeah, lots of luck, Doc.

You know, she's a menace.

You know, you are a hazard

to every driver and
pedestrian on the road.

I'll tell you something else.

You know, you
shouldn't be allowed

to get anywhere near
anything with wheels,

because you are, by far, the
worst, the most dangerous,

the most maniacal
driver I've ever seen.

I was fine.

Now, Cliff, let me
remind you again,

that it's extremely unorthodox

to use shock aversion
treatment outside the clinic.

I make no guarantees.

Hey, look, we covered all that.

It's time to go for
broke, all right?

Whatever you say; are
your contacts in place?

Yeah, here, better
test it just to make sure.

Good idea.

Say something obnoxious.

What do you mean, obnoxious?

I don't know what's obnoxious.

You're the so-called expert.

( grunting)

Perfect.

Guys, look, it's
Cliff; he's back.

Okay, remember, this
is his first time back

since the operation, so just
make a big welcome for him

and act like you're interested
in everything he has to say.

CLIFF: Hey, guys.

Hey, Cliffie! Hey!

( all shout greetings)

All right!

Hey, I hardly recognize
you out of uniform, big guy.

SAM: Yeah, listen,
we're so sorry

we didn't come
down to the hospital.

Oh, no problem.

Yeah, so how was the operation?

Yeah, yeah, how
much did they shave?

Ah, I don't want to bore
you with stories about me.

I'm more interested in, uh,
what you guys have been up to.

I don't know, uh...

usual stuff, I guess.

No, no, don't be shy;
come on, share with me.

Sam's giving Dr. Sternin
driving lessons.

( snide chuckling)

Should be giving her
personality lessons.

( chuckles, yelps)

But, uh, who
among us is perfect?

SAM: So, uh...

when are you getting
back to the route?

Well, the doc said
an ordinary guy

would be out for three weeks,

but with my incredible
physical stamina...

( yelps softly): Three weeks.

NORM: Cliffie, uh...

are you okay?

You know, the...

Oh, yeah, uh, it's a little
pain from the stitches.

SAM: Oh, wow, man.

You know, it's lucky
you dropped by.

We were having this argument.

Maybe you can settle it for us.

We were wondering who came up

with that great post
office phrase, you know,

rain, sleet, dark of
night... That kind of thing.

( everybody agreeing)

Excuse me.

( clearing throat)

He did ask.

Okay, but keep it short.

Well, uh, you know,
interestingly enough, uh...

it harks back to, uh, the early
Persian empire, about 500 B.C.

Oh, is that right? Great.

Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.

As a matter of fact,

a lot of our ancient
wonders are postal related.

Get out. Oh, yeah; no, really.

The pyramids for example...
They were post offices.

And the Sphinx, that
was a late-night drop off.

( groaning)

But, uh, I digress.

Cliff? CLIFF: Eh?

When you were in the hospital,

did they give you a lobotomy?

I mean, it suits you.

(chuckling): Boy, did I miss

this good-natured ribbing.

( groaning)

Ah, excuse me.

Getting a little trigger happy
with that thing, aren't you?

Well, you sounded
a little sarcastic.

I wasn't being sarcastic.

Judgment call.

Fair enough.

Welcome back, Cliff.

( groaning)

What the hell was that for?

Oh, sorry, thumb spasm.

Well, it's good to be back.

So who's gonna buy me a beer?

( groaning)

Come on, it was
a joke, you bozo!

( groaning)

Stop that!

( groaning): I said stop that!

All right, the experiment's off!

( groans three times)

You're a quack!

( rapid series of groans)

( groaning continues)

Okay!

Let's see how you like it, pal.

( rapid series of groans)

( groaning continues)

Remember, we still have
your deposit on that unit!

So, uh, what were
we talking about?

Cliff...

what's going on here?

Where?

Come on, Cliff.

Well, it's some harebrained
scheme I came up with. I...

When you guys didn't
visit me in the hospital,

I... knew it was
because I wasn't popular,

so I, uh, went down to
this aversion therapy place

and bribed the guy
to give me a shock

every time I acted like a jerk.

I thought it would make
me a different person.

I guess it didn't work, huh?

I better be going.

Uh... I'll see you guys later.

You know, as a
matter of fact, I, uh...

guess I won't, huh?

He'll be back.

Yeah, sure he will.

I don't know.

Yeah, kind of sounded
different this time.

Somebody ought to go get him.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But who?

I want Norm.

Looks like you're up, big fella.

Yeah, I'll have to see if
I can go catch him, huh?

Cliffie?

Cliff, come back
in here, you big lug.

You know we love you, huh?

This place wouldn't be
the same without you.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

No, no, and we owe
you a big apology

for not going to visit
you in the hospital.

( murmuring apologies)

And?

I'm sorry we made you feel

like you had to do all that
dumb shock therapy stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely.

And?

And it wasn't really necessary

because we're the
jerks and you're not.

Yeah. Yeah.

And?

Don't push it, Clavin.

Now, now, Carla,
stop your blubbering.

Well, I guess I'm a big enough
man to accept your apologies

and I guess there are one
or two things I could change

about my personality, and,
uh, well, let's start with this.

Innkeeper,

champagne on me
for all my friends.

All right! What a guy!

Uh-huh.

Sammy? Yeah?

Let's make it the
cheap stuff, okay?

( groaning)

All right, who's got the button?

Nobody here. Not here.

( groaning)

Dance, mailman!