Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 6 - Norm, Is That You? - full transcript
The Cranes are having their apartment redone and have called in renowned designer, Ivan. They've also got Norm doing the prep work and painting. However, Ivan's ideas are all form and no function. On top of that, he's snobbish and dictatorial. So they fire him. Inadvertently, Norm, by just moving a chair in their living room so that he can spackle a wall, causes Lilith and Frasier to gush about the great placement of the chair in its new location. Norm really does show his talent for what he calls color and "where to place the ottoman", and he is hired to design the Crane's apartment, which he wants kept secret from everyone at the bar. The design turns out to be exactly what Lilith and Frasier want. The Cranes recommend Norm to their yuppie friends of friends, Kim and Robert Cooperman, who also want their place redone. Norm's initial meeting with the Coopermans doesn't start off well. It's because, as Frasier tells him, the Coopermans are snobs who expect their designers, to use Frasier's term, to be "stylish" i.e. gay and flamboyantly so. To get the job, Norm pretends to be what the Cooperman's want. What will the Coopermans do if they find out Norm is just a beer guzzling straight guy, especially as they want to do a favor for their gay interior designer? Meanwhile, Rebecca is afraid that she's looking a little fat, which Sam in particular milks for all he can. And Carla and Woody discuss other uses for Cliff's brain.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
I don't know, Eddie.
Try-try under the bed.
Well, if they're not there,
look in the back of the closet,
or behind the dresser,
or in the washing machine.
Yeah, if-if you
still can't find them,
call me back.
I swear to God,
that man would lose his head
if it weren't bolted on.
What's, uh... what's
up there, Carla?
Eddie wants to take
the twins for a walk.
Uh, can't find his shoes, huh?
No, he can't find the twins.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh. Excuse me.
No, no, it was my fault.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just fine.
But how nice of you to be
so completely concerned.
Well, you know, you can't
be too careful these days.
Yeah.
So, uh, when's your baby due?
I'm not pregnant.
Oh. Well, then I
really am sorry.
Excuse me.
Well, why don't you just
watch where you're going then
next time, Buster?!
Sam,
does this outfit make me look
like I've put on
a little weight?
The outfit? Uh, yeah, no.
That's what it must be.
Right, yeah.
Turn around. Let me see.
Yeah, blame it on the outfit...
You know, you've been
wearing an awful lot
of fat clothes
recently, haven't you?
Oh, just shut up, butthead.
She called me a butthead.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Oh, don't worry, Sam.
It only looks that
way from the back.
Want another beer, Mr. P.?
Love to, Woody, but
I got to get back to painting
Frasier and Lilith's place.
This is the first job
anyone's given me
in, like, four months, so
I'm not going to do anything
to jeopardize it.
I'm really making
an effort this time
to be the kind of
dependable professional
that I'd like to have
working for me.
See you, Mr. Peterson.
What, Wood?
I said, I'll see you.
Well, damn it, Woody.
Now you made me late, man.
All right, as long as I'm late,
I'll just have another
beer, I guess.
Oh, much better.
Yes, much better, yes.
You know, I never thought
our wedding
portrait lived there.
Um, where should it go, Ivan?
Here's a spot.
Perfect.
Why clutter a home
with mementos?
Did I tell you last night
I programmed myself to
dream about your space?
You didn't.
We're thrilled.
Hmm.
To begin with,
we lose this wall.
Uh, by lose, do you mean
we redesign it so that
it practically disappears,
or lose, we knock it down
so that we're left facing
the back of our stove?
Hmm... fret not.
We'll be transforming
il cucina into an atrium.
I love this idea.
I adore it.
But what about eating?
I design, I don't eat.
Now, over here I imagine
removing the ceiling
and extending the wall
up to the second story,
culminating in a
skylight to flood the room
with natural illumination.
But, uh...
that's our... that's
our bedroom up there.
Is that all you
people think about,
eating and sleeping?
Tell me this was a gift.
Doctor, might I have
a word with you?
Certainly, Doctor.
How do you feel about Ivan?
Feel? Look,
the man is one of the most
famous designers in the city.
He's been written
up in every magazine
from Metropolitan Home to HG.
He's got more
awards on his shelves
than we have shelves.
I'd like to beat
the crap out of him.
Maybe we should let him go.
If that's your final decision,
my cherub, I concur.
The heave-ho.
Wait.
At the risk of sounding sexist,
I do believe this is man's work.
It requires a firm hand.
Please feel free to leave
the room if you must.
This could get unpleasant.
Sir.
You're too good for us.
Your masterful design
would make our poor little lives
just seem drab by comparison,
and of course, we'll, uh,
see to your severance
pay, two weeks?
Six months?
Fine.
I can't tell you what a
once-in-a-lifetime thrill
it's been to bask
in your talent.
Uh, bye-bye now.
Watch the steps.
Huh.
I only hope he can recover
from that tongue lashing.
So, dandelion,
now that you've given
away the farm to Ivan,
do you have some Swiss
bank account we can empty
to pay another decorator?
Well, I'll go that
one better, Dove bar.
I submit that
between the two of us,
we have enough
taste and intelligence
to redesign our own habitat,
sans outside help.
Bite me, I love you.
I take back my bite.
We suck.
Much better.
Much better!
Pardon me?
Yes, by simply
moving that chair,
an intimate conversation
area is created,
at the same time, opening
up a new traffic pattern
that gives the entire room
a whole new
dynamic sense of flow.
Plus, I can spackle behind here.
Of course, if...
if you really want a better
shot at the intimate thing,
I'd, uh, take these, uh...
What do you call it... These
Louis Couture's jobbies,
uh, and move them over like so.
Get the table... over this way.
Okay.
Now, this table
would have to come
like yea.
Right?
And, uh,
sofa could come around this way.
Of course.
Okay?
Now, uh,
that desk has got to come
out of there, you put the piano
into the bay, all right?
That chrome and glass,
you put into the harbor.
Uh...
I tell you what.
I'd-I-d move into the
warm tones, all right?
Reupholster, redrape,
the whole damn thing.
Splash a little bit
of paisley around.
Throw down a nice
Bukhara rug.
Top it off with a fine
piece or two of chinoiserie,
and we're there.
Well, bite us,
Norm, we love you.
So, uh, what do you
got in there, Woodski?
Oh, boy.
My Aunt Edna's
killer fudge brownies.
Ooh, killers, huh?
Yeah, they're called
that because the first time
my Uncle Ford ever
smelled them baking,
he came running in from the
field and got hit by a combine.
He hung on for a few days.
At the end, he was
just praying to die.
Well, eat up, everybody.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
Want a brownie?
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
Moment on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips.
You know, Rebecca,
I don't know why you're so,
uh, concerned about your figure.
You know, back
in the Renaissance time, uh,
full-figured women were revered.
Get out.
It's true.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Artists would only paint
big, voluptuous women.
In fact, that's how they got
rid of a lot of their old paint.
You know, speaking
of, uh, weight and stuff,
I got a riddle.
Which is heavier,
a pound of Cliff's brain
or a pound of dead flies?
It's a trick question.
A pound is a pound.
They both weigh the same.
Go ahead, ask me another
of Mr. Clavin's brain questions.
Okay, let's see.
Uh..
If you dropped Cliff's brain
and a bowling ball off the top
of the Empire State Building...
Yeah? Yeah?
Well...
Norm, we had to
rush over to tell you.
The new window treatment
you designed just went up.
It is spectacular.
Are you speaking
to another Norm,
or do you have a death wish?
Beg your pardon?
Come on, come on.
You think I want
these people to know
I'm an interior decorator?
We're sorry, Norm.
It's just, we simply cannot
moderate our approbation.
Well, give it a shot, okay?
But you should be
decorating professionally.
Oh, no, no, no. Please.
Doing you folks a
favor was one thing.
Any more of this
interior decorating junk
could really eat
into my reputation
as a lazy, beer-guzzling
lump of mashed potatoes.
But, Norm, you have a gift.
Gift?
Try curse, pal.
I spent my whole damn
life trying to cover up the fact
that I have a great
sense of color,
and I always know
where to stick the ottoman.
Oh, it's a pity.
You see, we've just
met this new couple,
and they-they need a decorator.
Dearest, Norm has
made his feelings clear.
Yes, but they're very well off.
Frasier, it's not a
matter of money.
They're willing
to pay five figures.
But, Frasier...
Hey, Elvira, back off.
If the left side of Cliff's
brain leaves New York
on a train traveling
at 65 miles per hour,
and the right side of
Cliff's brain leaves L.A. on...
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me get a pencil.
Yeah!
Damn, I am good.
Bring these people on.
I'll wipe up the
floor with them.
Who are they, anyhow?
Well, actually, they're
friends of friends.
Yeah?
But I have to warn you...
they're the essence of the Y word.
That's the yuppie
word for yuppie.
Oh.
Are you implying
that I'm a yuppie?
Oh, forgive me, I erred.
If I ever do it again,
you may cut out my tongue
and serve it to me in a fajita.
Yup, here we go. Uh-huh.
I'm going to take one
last look in the kitchen.
Hi, we were just
talking about you!
Kiss-kiss.
Yes, yes.
Sorry we're late.
We couldn't decide
whether to take the
Range Rover or the BMW.
Oh but don't keep
us in suspense.
The Beamer.
Well, we're all here
now... What fun.
Uh, Kier Royales all around?
Super. That'd be great, Fras.
I can't get over
what your decorator
has done with this place.
It's warm, it's solid.
It's real. It's super.
Oh, hi, what's going on?
Hi...
Kim and Robert Cooperman,
I'd like you to meet
our decorator,
Norman Peterson. Hi.
How do you do, Norman? Great.
You know, this is
the last cold beer.
We could split it or something?
No, thanks, we're taken care of.
Okay, well, suit yourself, huh?
Sit down everybody.
It's beautiful and functional.
You know, uh, Frasier told me
a little bit about your place,
so I did take
the liberty of, uh,
jotting down a few ideas.
Uh... excuse me.
Are those cocktail napkins?
Yeah, I'm sorry,
did you need one?
No.
Veggie pâté?
Oh, yes, yes, please.
I'm on empty over here.
Anyway...
I heard your place is
pretty modern, you know?
And most of your
stuff is kind of gray.
So I thought, maybe, you know,
some, you know,
color would be good.
Uh, actually, we hadn't
totally sold ourselves
on the concept of change.
Oh.
You could keep, uh,
some of your old
stuff, and, you know,
throw in some new stuff, too.
Um...
Fras, uh, could you, uh,
help me with this
wall treatment?
Sushi?
I rolled it myself.
What's going on?
I'm dying over here.
Well, it's not you,
Norm, it's them. Yeah?
They're narrow-minded,
trend-sucking dilettantes,
who insist that...
well, their chefs be
French, you know,
that their mechanics be German,
and that their designers be...
stylish.
Ooh.
You mean, stylish.
Very stylish.
'Nough said, Fras.
I'm sorry, Norm.
This could have been a
real lucrative job for you.
I don't know what to say.
That's okay, I do.
Um...
Listen, uh,
did I tell you that, uh,
last night, I programmed myself
to dream about your... space?
Miss Howe, I don't
mean to insult you,
but you're looking kind of puny.
Have you lost weight?
Is this a setup?
Did Sam tell you to say that?
No, ma'am, I told
myself to say it.
Yeah, I'm worried
about you, you know?
If you're not careful, you're
going to start wasting away,
and pretty soon your
ribs will start to show,
like this guy back in
Hanover, Kyle Lefferts.
Of course, he'd been dead awhile
when they found him.
Thank you, Woody.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's said to me all week.
Your hair's been
looking kind of ratty, too.
Unfortunately, that's
the second nicest thing.
What, no kiss?
No, I've got to weigh myself.
Oh, we got your scale back here.
What's it doing behind the bar?
We needed it to
settle an argument
about how much
Mr. Clavin's brain weighs.
I think I am in for
a pleasant surprise.
Your weight is 162 pounds.
What?!
Have a nice day.
Malone!
Get out here!
I know what you just did!
Congratulations.
Not you, I was talking to...
Forget it.
Okay, okay, look.
Cliff's brain is found
murdered in a room.
All the doors and
windows are locked.
Good, he's here.
Hello, Norman!
What's going on?
Oh, hi.
No, no, no, let's,
uh, let's sit up here.
Um, well, Dick and, uh, Tracy.
How did you ever track me down?
It's the address on
the cocktail napkin
you did your sketches on.
You're good.
You know, Norman,
we've never been
in a gay bar before.
Yeah. It seems
just like a regular bar.
Oh, honey.
Look at those two.
Anyway, how about some drinks?
All right. Miss?
Oh, uh, no, no,
I'll take care of it.
He's kind of touchy
since the operation.
Yo, Woodo, uh,
my friends and I need a couple
of, uh, white wine spritzers
and a beer... spritzer.
You feeling okay?
Sure, very manly, never more so.
Spritzers á trois on the way.
Thank you.
You know, Norman, we didn't
just pop in here on a whim.
We love the work you
did on our place so much
that we want you to do
our mountain retreat next.
Gee, uh, I-I don't know.
My schedule's kind of...
We know it's an
inconvenience, all right,
so can we double your rate?
Only because I love
you kids so much.
Listen, if you could
scope it out this weekend,
that would be super.
Super.
Super! Super.
I'm glad you can make it,
because we have another friend
who we've been
dying for you to meet.
And he's really cute.
Um... he?
Unless somebody's
already snapped you up.
Well, yeah, darn it,
I have been snapped up.
By, um...
that fellow over there.
The one who had the operation?
Bite your tongue! No!
No, the, uh, tall hunk
rinsing glasses.
Wa-Wait a minute.
Isn't that Sam
Malone, the pitcher?
Oh, I've heard of him.
Didn't he used to
play for the Sox?
Uh...
Yes, yeah, but
now he plays for me.
Oh.
Oh, man, the guys at
the gym are gonna freak!
No, um... Why don't you
bring him over and
introduce him to us?
Uh, I think he's probably
a little bit too busy right now,
um...
All right, all right,
I'll, I'll get him.
Sam, can I have a word, please?
Yeah, now, come here.
Sam, uh... I need a favor, pal.
Okay, I have these clients,
and they're big
fans of yours. Oh.
And, uh, it'd mean a lot
if you could just come
over and say hi to them.
Oh, no problem.
Thanks so much, Sammy.
Thanks, bud.
Oh, and uh, one
more thing, man, okay?
We're lovers.
Kids, this is Sam Malone.
Sam Malone, this is Kim
and Robert Cooperman.
Pleased to meet you.
You sure do make a cute couple.
Just accept the
compliment, honey.
Thanks.
I have a confession to make.
We came in here tonight
to try to fix Norman
up with another man.
Naughty, naughty.
Naughty, naughty.
But since the two
of you are together,
how about if the four of us
spend the weekend at the cabin?
It'll be a hoot!
Is that good for you, Sam?
What do you mean
is it good for me?
It stinks for me, man.
Come on, I can't.
I can't hack this.
Don't do this to me.
Listen, I like babe...
I love babes, and babes love me.
Babes.
Babes.
Babes.
Babes.
"Babes" is his pet
word for linebackers.
Norman, I pride myself
on being a very
perceptive person.
Now, is something amiss?
Yeah.
Sam and I have had a tiff.
Look.
Maybe meeting Michael
is just the thing you need.
I mean, he lives right
around the corner.
Kim, go call him.
No. No-no-no-no-no,
folks, please.
I can't go on with
this any longer.
Look, I don't care if
it costs me the job.
I got to tell you
the truth, okay?
I wanted to be your decorator,
so I pretended to be who I
thought you wanted me to be,
but... it's time that I
came out of the closet.
I'm straight.
Impossible.
No, no, I-I...
Ever since I was a little boy,
I've known that
I preferred girls.
Actually, I'm a guy with a wife.
I mean, uh, I sleep with Vera.
Well, you know, I
sleep next to her.
Actually, it's in the
room next to her,
but, uh, I do keep
the door open.
But the point is, you know,
I think you should judge
people for what they do,
not for...
who they do.
You're absolutely right, Norman.
I can't believe we've
been the perpetrators
of this kind of discrimination.
We'll see you, Norman.
No, well, listen... Hey, folks,
I could still, you know,
decorate your
mountain retreat there.
Kim and I happen to be
people of principle, all right?
And we put our
trust in you, our faith.
We trusted you with our most
prized possession, our home.
And how did you
return that trust?
You lied to us, you betrayed us.
You made fools of us.
I could do it for half price.
Here's the key.
There's Perrier in the fridge.
If the neighbors
ask, you're a plumber.
Gotcha, can do, can do.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
How 'bout those Celtics, huh?
What, what, what, what?
What?
Norm?
How could you do this to us?
What? Do what?
We're your best friends.
I mean, I can't believe that
you didn't feel close enough
to... share this part
of your life with us.
This part, what?
Guys, I'm straight, I'm not gay.
No, no.
Who cares about that?
You can get stuff at wholesale.
I need a sofa.
Yeah?
And I could use a lamp.
And, uh, can you get me a deal
on a good Bacca lounger?
All right, all right.
But I have to tell you
folks that I am not cheap.
Even for your lover?
a live studio audience.
I don't know, Eddie.
Try-try under the bed.
Well, if they're not there,
look in the back of the closet,
or behind the dresser,
or in the washing machine.
Yeah, if-if you
still can't find them,
call me back.
I swear to God,
that man would lose his head
if it weren't bolted on.
What's, uh... what's
up there, Carla?
Eddie wants to take
the twins for a walk.
Uh, can't find his shoes, huh?
No, he can't find the twins.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh. Excuse me.
No, no, it was my fault.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just fine.
But how nice of you to be
so completely concerned.
Well, you know, you can't
be too careful these days.
Yeah.
So, uh, when's your baby due?
I'm not pregnant.
Oh. Well, then I
really am sorry.
Excuse me.
Well, why don't you just
watch where you're going then
next time, Buster?!
Sam,
does this outfit make me look
like I've put on
a little weight?
The outfit? Uh, yeah, no.
That's what it must be.
Right, yeah.
Turn around. Let me see.
Yeah, blame it on the outfit...
You know, you've been
wearing an awful lot
of fat clothes
recently, haven't you?
Oh, just shut up, butthead.
She called me a butthead.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Oh, don't worry, Sam.
It only looks that
way from the back.
Want another beer, Mr. P.?
Love to, Woody, but
I got to get back to painting
Frasier and Lilith's place.
This is the first job
anyone's given me
in, like, four months, so
I'm not going to do anything
to jeopardize it.
I'm really making
an effort this time
to be the kind of
dependable professional
that I'd like to have
working for me.
See you, Mr. Peterson.
What, Wood?
I said, I'll see you.
Well, damn it, Woody.
Now you made me late, man.
All right, as long as I'm late,
I'll just have another
beer, I guess.
Oh, much better.
Yes, much better, yes.
You know, I never thought
our wedding
portrait lived there.
Um, where should it go, Ivan?
Here's a spot.
Perfect.
Why clutter a home
with mementos?
Did I tell you last night
I programmed myself to
dream about your space?
You didn't.
We're thrilled.
Hmm.
To begin with,
we lose this wall.
Uh, by lose, do you mean
we redesign it so that
it practically disappears,
or lose, we knock it down
so that we're left facing
the back of our stove?
Hmm... fret not.
We'll be transforming
il cucina into an atrium.
I love this idea.
I adore it.
But what about eating?
I design, I don't eat.
Now, over here I imagine
removing the ceiling
and extending the wall
up to the second story,
culminating in a
skylight to flood the room
with natural illumination.
But, uh...
that's our... that's
our bedroom up there.
Is that all you
people think about,
eating and sleeping?
Tell me this was a gift.
Doctor, might I have
a word with you?
Certainly, Doctor.
How do you feel about Ivan?
Feel? Look,
the man is one of the most
famous designers in the city.
He's been written
up in every magazine
from Metropolitan Home to HG.
He's got more
awards on his shelves
than we have shelves.
I'd like to beat
the crap out of him.
Maybe we should let him go.
If that's your final decision,
my cherub, I concur.
The heave-ho.
Wait.
At the risk of sounding sexist,
I do believe this is man's work.
It requires a firm hand.
Please feel free to leave
the room if you must.
This could get unpleasant.
Sir.
You're too good for us.
Your masterful design
would make our poor little lives
just seem drab by comparison,
and of course, we'll, uh,
see to your severance
pay, two weeks?
Six months?
Fine.
I can't tell you what a
once-in-a-lifetime thrill
it's been to bask
in your talent.
Uh, bye-bye now.
Watch the steps.
Huh.
I only hope he can recover
from that tongue lashing.
So, dandelion,
now that you've given
away the farm to Ivan,
do you have some Swiss
bank account we can empty
to pay another decorator?
Well, I'll go that
one better, Dove bar.
I submit that
between the two of us,
we have enough
taste and intelligence
to redesign our own habitat,
sans outside help.
Bite me, I love you.
I take back my bite.
We suck.
Much better.
Much better!
Pardon me?
Yes, by simply
moving that chair,
an intimate conversation
area is created,
at the same time, opening
up a new traffic pattern
that gives the entire room
a whole new
dynamic sense of flow.
Plus, I can spackle behind here.
Of course, if...
if you really want a better
shot at the intimate thing,
I'd, uh, take these, uh...
What do you call it... These
Louis Couture's jobbies,
uh, and move them over like so.
Get the table... over this way.
Okay.
Now, this table
would have to come
like yea.
Right?
And, uh,
sofa could come around this way.
Of course.
Okay?
Now, uh,
that desk has got to come
out of there, you put the piano
into the bay, all right?
That chrome and glass,
you put into the harbor.
Uh...
I tell you what.
I'd-I-d move into the
warm tones, all right?
Reupholster, redrape,
the whole damn thing.
Splash a little bit
of paisley around.
Throw down a nice
Bukhara rug.
Top it off with a fine
piece or two of chinoiserie,
and we're there.
Well, bite us,
Norm, we love you.
So, uh, what do you
got in there, Woodski?
Oh, boy.
My Aunt Edna's
killer fudge brownies.
Ooh, killers, huh?
Yeah, they're called
that because the first time
my Uncle Ford ever
smelled them baking,
he came running in from the
field and got hit by a combine.
He hung on for a few days.
At the end, he was
just praying to die.
Well, eat up, everybody.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
Want a brownie?
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
Moment on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips.
You know, Rebecca,
I don't know why you're so,
uh, concerned about your figure.
You know, back
in the Renaissance time, uh,
full-figured women were revered.
Get out.
It's true.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Artists would only paint
big, voluptuous women.
In fact, that's how they got
rid of a lot of their old paint.
You know, speaking
of, uh, weight and stuff,
I got a riddle.
Which is heavier,
a pound of Cliff's brain
or a pound of dead flies?
It's a trick question.
A pound is a pound.
They both weigh the same.
Go ahead, ask me another
of Mr. Clavin's brain questions.
Okay, let's see.
Uh..
If you dropped Cliff's brain
and a bowling ball off the top
of the Empire State Building...
Yeah? Yeah?
Well...
Norm, we had to
rush over to tell you.
The new window treatment
you designed just went up.
It is spectacular.
Are you speaking
to another Norm,
or do you have a death wish?
Beg your pardon?
Come on, come on.
You think I want
these people to know
I'm an interior decorator?
We're sorry, Norm.
It's just, we simply cannot
moderate our approbation.
Well, give it a shot, okay?
But you should be
decorating professionally.
Oh, no, no, no. Please.
Doing you folks a
favor was one thing.
Any more of this
interior decorating junk
could really eat
into my reputation
as a lazy, beer-guzzling
lump of mashed potatoes.
But, Norm, you have a gift.
Gift?
Try curse, pal.
I spent my whole damn
life trying to cover up the fact
that I have a great
sense of color,
and I always know
where to stick the ottoman.
Oh, it's a pity.
You see, we've just
met this new couple,
and they-they need a decorator.
Dearest, Norm has
made his feelings clear.
Yes, but they're very well off.
Frasier, it's not a
matter of money.
They're willing
to pay five figures.
But, Frasier...
Hey, Elvira, back off.
If the left side of Cliff's
brain leaves New York
on a train traveling
at 65 miles per hour,
and the right side of
Cliff's brain leaves L.A. on...
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me get a pencil.
Yeah!
Damn, I am good.
Bring these people on.
I'll wipe up the
floor with them.
Who are they, anyhow?
Well, actually, they're
friends of friends.
Yeah?
But I have to warn you...
they're the essence of the Y word.
That's the yuppie
word for yuppie.
Oh.
Are you implying
that I'm a yuppie?
Oh, forgive me, I erred.
If I ever do it again,
you may cut out my tongue
and serve it to me in a fajita.
Yup, here we go. Uh-huh.
I'm going to take one
last look in the kitchen.
Hi, we were just
talking about you!
Kiss-kiss.
Yes, yes.
Sorry we're late.
We couldn't decide
whether to take the
Range Rover or the BMW.
Oh but don't keep
us in suspense.
The Beamer.
Well, we're all here
now... What fun.
Uh, Kier Royales all around?
Super. That'd be great, Fras.
I can't get over
what your decorator
has done with this place.
It's warm, it's solid.
It's real. It's super.
Oh, hi, what's going on?
Hi...
Kim and Robert Cooperman,
I'd like you to meet
our decorator,
Norman Peterson. Hi.
How do you do, Norman? Great.
You know, this is
the last cold beer.
We could split it or something?
No, thanks, we're taken care of.
Okay, well, suit yourself, huh?
Sit down everybody.
It's beautiful and functional.
You know, uh, Frasier told me
a little bit about your place,
so I did take
the liberty of, uh,
jotting down a few ideas.
Uh... excuse me.
Are those cocktail napkins?
Yeah, I'm sorry,
did you need one?
No.
Veggie pâté?
Oh, yes, yes, please.
I'm on empty over here.
Anyway...
I heard your place is
pretty modern, you know?
And most of your
stuff is kind of gray.
So I thought, maybe, you know,
some, you know,
color would be good.
Uh, actually, we hadn't
totally sold ourselves
on the concept of change.
Oh.
You could keep, uh,
some of your old
stuff, and, you know,
throw in some new stuff, too.
Um...
Fras, uh, could you, uh,
help me with this
wall treatment?
Sushi?
I rolled it myself.
What's going on?
I'm dying over here.
Well, it's not you,
Norm, it's them. Yeah?
They're narrow-minded,
trend-sucking dilettantes,
who insist that...
well, their chefs be
French, you know,
that their mechanics be German,
and that their designers be...
stylish.
Ooh.
You mean, stylish.
Very stylish.
'Nough said, Fras.
I'm sorry, Norm.
This could have been a
real lucrative job for you.
I don't know what to say.
That's okay, I do.
Um...
Listen, uh,
did I tell you that, uh,
last night, I programmed myself
to dream about your... space?
Miss Howe, I don't
mean to insult you,
but you're looking kind of puny.
Have you lost weight?
Is this a setup?
Did Sam tell you to say that?
No, ma'am, I told
myself to say it.
Yeah, I'm worried
about you, you know?
If you're not careful, you're
going to start wasting away,
and pretty soon your
ribs will start to show,
like this guy back in
Hanover, Kyle Lefferts.
Of course, he'd been dead awhile
when they found him.
Thank you, Woody.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's said to me all week.
Your hair's been
looking kind of ratty, too.
Unfortunately, that's
the second nicest thing.
What, no kiss?
No, I've got to weigh myself.
Oh, we got your scale back here.
What's it doing behind the bar?
We needed it to
settle an argument
about how much
Mr. Clavin's brain weighs.
I think I am in for
a pleasant surprise.
Your weight is 162 pounds.
What?!
Have a nice day.
Malone!
Get out here!
I know what you just did!
Congratulations.
Not you, I was talking to...
Forget it.
Okay, okay, look.
Cliff's brain is found
murdered in a room.
All the doors and
windows are locked.
Good, he's here.
Hello, Norman!
What's going on?
Oh, hi.
No, no, no, let's,
uh, let's sit up here.
Um, well, Dick and, uh, Tracy.
How did you ever track me down?
It's the address on
the cocktail napkin
you did your sketches on.
You're good.
You know, Norman,
we've never been
in a gay bar before.
Yeah. It seems
just like a regular bar.
Oh, honey.
Look at those two.
Anyway, how about some drinks?
All right. Miss?
Oh, uh, no, no,
I'll take care of it.
He's kind of touchy
since the operation.
Yo, Woodo, uh,
my friends and I need a couple
of, uh, white wine spritzers
and a beer... spritzer.
You feeling okay?
Sure, very manly, never more so.
Spritzers á trois on the way.
Thank you.
You know, Norman, we didn't
just pop in here on a whim.
We love the work you
did on our place so much
that we want you to do
our mountain retreat next.
Gee, uh, I-I don't know.
My schedule's kind of...
We know it's an
inconvenience, all right,
so can we double your rate?
Only because I love
you kids so much.
Listen, if you could
scope it out this weekend,
that would be super.
Super.
Super! Super.
I'm glad you can make it,
because we have another friend
who we've been
dying for you to meet.
And he's really cute.
Um... he?
Unless somebody's
already snapped you up.
Well, yeah, darn it,
I have been snapped up.
By, um...
that fellow over there.
The one who had the operation?
Bite your tongue! No!
No, the, uh, tall hunk
rinsing glasses.
Wa-Wait a minute.
Isn't that Sam
Malone, the pitcher?
Oh, I've heard of him.
Didn't he used to
play for the Sox?
Uh...
Yes, yeah, but
now he plays for me.
Oh.
Oh, man, the guys at
the gym are gonna freak!
No, um... Why don't you
bring him over and
introduce him to us?
Uh, I think he's probably
a little bit too busy right now,
um...
All right, all right,
I'll, I'll get him.
Sam, can I have a word, please?
Yeah, now, come here.
Sam, uh... I need a favor, pal.
Okay, I have these clients,
and they're big
fans of yours. Oh.
And, uh, it'd mean a lot
if you could just come
over and say hi to them.
Oh, no problem.
Thanks so much, Sammy.
Thanks, bud.
Oh, and uh, one
more thing, man, okay?
We're lovers.
Kids, this is Sam Malone.
Sam Malone, this is Kim
and Robert Cooperman.
Pleased to meet you.
You sure do make a cute couple.
Just accept the
compliment, honey.
Thanks.
I have a confession to make.
We came in here tonight
to try to fix Norman
up with another man.
Naughty, naughty.
Naughty, naughty.
But since the two
of you are together,
how about if the four of us
spend the weekend at the cabin?
It'll be a hoot!
Is that good for you, Sam?
What do you mean
is it good for me?
It stinks for me, man.
Come on, I can't.
I can't hack this.
Don't do this to me.
Listen, I like babe...
I love babes, and babes love me.
Babes.
Babes.
Babes.
Babes.
"Babes" is his pet
word for linebackers.
Norman, I pride myself
on being a very
perceptive person.
Now, is something amiss?
Yeah.
Sam and I have had a tiff.
Look.
Maybe meeting Michael
is just the thing you need.
I mean, he lives right
around the corner.
Kim, go call him.
No. No-no-no-no-no,
folks, please.
I can't go on with
this any longer.
Look, I don't care if
it costs me the job.
I got to tell you
the truth, okay?
I wanted to be your decorator,
so I pretended to be who I
thought you wanted me to be,
but... it's time that I
came out of the closet.
I'm straight.
Impossible.
No, no, I-I...
Ever since I was a little boy,
I've known that
I preferred girls.
Actually, I'm a guy with a wife.
I mean, uh, I sleep with Vera.
Well, you know, I
sleep next to her.
Actually, it's in the
room next to her,
but, uh, I do keep
the door open.
But the point is, you know,
I think you should judge
people for what they do,
not for...
who they do.
You're absolutely right, Norman.
I can't believe we've
been the perpetrators
of this kind of discrimination.
We'll see you, Norman.
No, well, listen... Hey, folks,
I could still, you know,
decorate your
mountain retreat there.
Kim and I happen to be
people of principle, all right?
And we put our
trust in you, our faith.
We trusted you with our most
prized possession, our home.
And how did you
return that trust?
You lied to us, you betrayed us.
You made fools of us.
I could do it for half price.
Here's the key.
There's Perrier in the fridge.
If the neighbors
ask, you're a plumber.
Gotcha, can do, can do.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
How 'bout those Celtics, huh?
What, what, what, what?
What?
Norm?
How could you do this to us?
What? Do what?
We're your best friends.
I mean, I can't believe that
you didn't feel close enough
to... share this part
of your life with us.
This part, what?
Guys, I'm straight, I'm not gay.
No, no.
Who cares about that?
You can get stuff at wholesale.
I need a sofa.
Yeah?
And I could use a lamp.
And, uh, can you get me a deal
on a good Bacca lounger?
All right, all right.
But I have to tell you
folks that I am not cheap.
Even for your lover?