Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 5 - Those Lips, Those Ice - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Woody, I have a lot

of work to do here,

so please make
sure I'm not disturbed.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes?

Miss Howe?

You want me to hold
business and personal calls?

Yes.

You got it.

Yes?



Miss Howe?

Uh, what if it's an emergency,

or something only
you can handle?

Woody, I'm turning
the bar over to you.

I have complete confidence.

Yes?!

Miss Howe?

I want you to know

how much I appreciate
your confidence in me.

I won't let you down.

Woody, I am trying

to get some work done here,
and you are driving me crazy!

Now, get out of here,
and leave me alone!

I'm sorry, Miss Howe.



♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Fras, new briefcase?

No. It's my new portable
cellular telephone,

the answer to every
busy therapist's prayers.

You see, with this, I
can instantly get in touch

with patients in crisis.

Who knows how
many lives it may save?

Looks cool, too?

Doesn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, geez.

I seem to have
forgotten the combination.

I was certain I
programmed Lilith's birthday

so I'd remember it.

Oh, no?

My birthday.

Frasier, that's getting
a little annoying.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Freud's birthday.

Hello. Cheers.

Two drafts, Sam.

Coming right up.

Shouldn't you be on
your way to the airport?

No. Eddie called
from Louisville.

He said the performer's plane

was gonna be a little late

so he'd meet me here.

Oh, you must be getting
pretty excited, huh?

Yeah. I thought that ice show

would never get back to Boston.

Yeah, it has been tough.

He misses me. Yeah.

You know? Kids miss him.

Not to mention that I have moved

into my sexual peak.

You've been there
since you were 12.

When you find a place
you like, why leave it?

Answer the damn phone!

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, wait.

Jung's address.

Finally.

Hello.

No, there is no Itzhak here.

Woody, here are your tickets.

Tickets? Woody gets tickets?

Company season tickets.

Patriots-Dolphins tonight.

Two on the 40-yard line.

Ooh-ooh-oh-wee!

Oh. You know, thanks, Miss Howe.

You know, you are the
greatest boss I ever had.

I mean...

you're the prettiest
boss I ever had.

I mean, thanks.

So, uh,

Woodster, what
time we leaving, bud?

Well, Mr. Peterson,
you'd be interested

in going to something like this?

Yeah. Dit-dit-dit-dit...

Fair is fair.

What? Now, Woody...

didn't I, uh, invite you

to a very special
occasion just last week?

That's right, Mr. Clavin.

I sure did enjoy
that garage sale.

Excuse me, but why do I seem

to have been
automatically excluded?

You have to go
home to your wife.

What about your wife?

You can't be this
dense with your patients.

Hey, Carla, I'm back.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, everybody.

N-n-not-not here.

Everybody's watching.

Excuse me. I-I'll be right back.

I just got to show
Eddie something.

Oh, Eddie.

Ah, gee, it's good to be home.

Give me a beer, Sam... here.

Thanks, Sam.

Yeah.

A charm bracelet
from Cincinnati!

Yeah. There's
a little beer stein,

little bowl of sauerkraut,

and Pete Rose's head.

Ooh, Carla, can I borrow it?

Fat chance.

This better not
turn my wrist green.

No.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

How's the show doing?

Oh, terrific.

We signed a new headliner...

Franzi Schrempf.

Oh, you mean, the East
German gold medalist?

That's her.

She's joining the
show here in Boston.

Sure would like to meet her

without having to go
to that stupid ice show.

Mm.

You may be in luck, Norm,

because I invited her
and some of the cast

to drop by here later.

Oh, boy. Hey, hey...

Oh, God, she is amazing.

She actually grabs the blade

and touches the back
of her head with it.

Can you do this?

Hey, are the kids home?

I haven't talked to
them since I got back.

I want to give them a call.

Oh, yeah, go ahead. All right.

Just make sure you
identify yourself by name.

Just saying, "It's Dad"

leaves too much
room for confusion.

You know, Carla,

according to the,
uh, Weekly Gabber,

this Franzi Schrempf has affairs

with every man
she's worked with.

I'm telling you,
she's a man eater.

Look, Clavin, I'm not worried,

so just shut up.

There's a lot of things
wrong with Eddie,

but I know I can trust him.

We've been married
for over a year now,

and not once in that entire time

has his eye wandered.

Well, his good eye.

I'm talking completely
over her head.

I mean, she must be, like,
triple-jointed or something.

Hey, Eddie, Eddie, come here.

You know, I was just laughing
at something stupid Cliff said.

He says that this
Franzi has a thing

for the men she works with.

Says she changes lovers

more times than most
people change socks.

I don't have anything
to worry about

with you in that area, do I?

No, honey, not at all.

I put a fresh pair
on this morning.

Hey, here she is.

Everybody...

I want you to meet
Franzi Schrempf.

Welcome

to the bar, Franzi.

We're all, uh...

Well, we're big fans of yours.

Thank you.

But we were just wondering,

now that you're
here in Boston, um,

well, what are your plans?

Well, while I'm here, I
would like to wear blue jeans,

see a Tom Cruise
movie, and eat a Big Mac.

Whoa. Sexy, dumb,
and a cheap date.

Well, uh, in the

spirit of detente,

I wouldn't mind
having some arms talks

with Franzi.

I'd like to see her try
to control my arms.

I wouldn't object

to a little mutual
on-site inspection.

See what kind of
payload she can deliver.

Reduce missiles
in Western Europe.

Hey, Sam,

she is something, eh? SAM: Yeah.

You know, if I was
younger, taller, handsomer,

and had a brain in my head,

I never would have
started this sentence.

You think she's
pretty, don't you?

Well, yeah, if
you're into looks,

which I'm not.

Just don't get any ideas.

Ideas?

Franzi doesn't
even know I exist.

Eddie, do you have a light?

You know, I'm sort of
the host here tonight.

I-I better take care of this.

Sure.

Uh!

Paper covers rock,

and the mailman goes
to the Patriots game.

Oh, that is absurd.

You're telling me

that if I took my
rock and hurled it,

it wouldn't smash right through

that puny piece of paper?

Oh, will you come on?!

You're just crying baby shoes

'cause you're not
going to the game.

Oh... Baby shoes...

Children, children,

there's a much more fair way

to decide this. Now,

foot race to the
corner and back.

The winner goes to the game.

False start. False start!

I'm running this
race under protest.

Carla, I don't think
you have anything

to worry about with Eddie.

But I don't know.

I get this sense of doom.

Maybe it's intuition,
and maybe it's the fact

that every time
Eddie gets excited,

he starts sweating
like a ditch digger.

Mom, you'll never believe this.

I'm calling you
from a briefcase.

Yeah?

Say, Franzi, uh,

you know, I was just thinking,

seeing how you're new in town,

how about I show
you our fair city?

I do not think so.

We have just met.

That's not proper in my country.

I drive a 'Vette.

I drive a Porsche.

Oh, well, maybe we
could race sometime.

Oh...

Hey, congratulations,
Mr. Peterson.

You're the winner.

Put it on my headstone.

Well, congratulations, Norm.

You won the first
leg of our triathlon.

Now, onto the...

Now, onto the, uh, biking
and swimming portions.

Anybody know this guy?

We found him face down
at the top of the steps.

Never saw him before.

Oh, hey, Mr. Peterson,

we better hurry, or we're
gonna miss the kickoff.

What? Get out of here.

What are you...?

Come on, come on.

Got to run.

Oh, no...

Woody!

No, man! Wait.

Excuse me.

I think the guy on the steps
would like something to drink.

We don't do takeout.

Hey, uh, Franzi,
what's the matter?

Sammy doesn't
spin your propeller?

He's rude, crude
and very stupid.

I guess all the sweet,
simple guys are taken.

Don't you forget it.

Say, I'll bet with
all that skating

you get pretty sore muscles.

Have you ever experienced

Sammy's all-American,
deep muscle massage?

Have you ever experienced
knowing when to quit?

Are you sure you're
not from around here?

Eddie?

Yes.

Would you be so kind

to give me a lift
back to the hotel?

Oh, sure, Franzi. Anything.

You're so sweet.

Well,

there he goes, Carla.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

You got to give her credit.

She didn't say it.

Say, uh, Rebecca,
was it a big hassle

getting those company
tickets for Woody?

No.

Can you get some for me?

No.

I get it. Employees only, huh?

No.

Gotcha. Can't go
to the well too often.

No.

Then you just don't
want to get 'em for me?

Yes.

Well, no harm in asking.

Man, what is with these
East German babes?

All week long I
have been trying:

phone calls, flowers,
the whole thing.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, Sam, I see no alternative.

You're just going to have
to become a communist.

What do you do?

Do you apply for
membership or something?

I cannot believe my ears.

What?

We're not talking about
the Moose Lodge here.

We're talking communists,

the most reprehensible
perpetrators

of social and economic
oppression ever known to mankind.

I mean, they brainwash you,

they put you to work
in some tractor factory,

and as for your creature
comforts, forget it.

Yeah, but the stuff you had

before you joined is
still your stuff, am I right?

Ordering.

What are you ordering, Carla?

I forget.

You know where to reach me.

Carla, are you
preoccupied or something?

You don't still think Eddie's
messing around with Franzi, do you?

I have my suspicions.

Well, what evidence do you have?

I'll tell you what I have.

I have nothing!

That was the one
good thing about Nick.

With Nick, I always
knew for sure.

How?

He told me.

I mean,

Nick used to stick
Polaroids in the family album.

Carla, you don't have
anything to worry about.

I am telling you

Franzi would never date anyone
from that crummy ice show.

I can't believe that dame!
She said she can't see me

because she's fallen for
some guy in the ice show.

Carla, she's probably
just saying that

because she wants to get
Sam to quit bugging her.

I'll have to remember that one.

She's dating
somebody, all right.

Get a load of this
little tidbit of gossip.

"One international skating star
was seen spooning spaghetti

with a short, dark,
melon-faced companion."

Eddie!

Oh, come on, Carla.

"Short, dark, melon-faced"?

I mean, that could be
anybody in the show.

Yeah, guess that explains why

it's not one of the
more popular ice shows.

That no-good, two-timing
scum-sucking, son of a...

Hey, honey bear, come
give your lover man a hug.

Hey, Eddie, Eddie.

Hey, do you mind if I borrow
Carla here for a minute?

No problem.

It'll give me time
to look for my tooth.

Hey, Frasier, help
him out there, will ya?

Tell him one of your funny
psychiatry stories, will ya?

Will you sit down?

Now, what the hell do
you think you're doing?

I'm killing the
horny little frog!

Just come on.

Come here, will you?

Look, murder is not the answer

to every one of
life's little problems,

you know that?

First of all,

you don't even know if
he did anything wrong,

and second, if he
was a little tempted,

maybe you pushed him into it.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Did you ever think

that maybe you aren't
exactly nice to the guy?

Sammy, you know me.

This is as nice as it gets.

But this is the way you
handle everything in your life,

and it never works.

Okay, O God of
Good Relationships,

what do you suggest I do?

Carla, Carla,

you got to let Eddie
know how you feel inside.

You must embrace him

not, not just with your heart,

but with your very soul.

Give unto him and
he will give unto you.

Okay, no more for this clown.

Listen,

I'm talking about the
occasional back rub,

the general
all-around pampering.

You know, maybe buy one
of those low-cut, frilly dresses.

Oh, you mean

that "total woman" BS?

I find that
completely repulsive.

Well, that explains

all the men beating
down your door, doesn't it?

Listen, you got to become
the ideal woman, you know?

Treat him like a god,
cater to his every whim.

Oh, yuck! I can't do
that. I can't do frilly.

You know what they say.

"You can catch more flies
with honey than with vinegar."

Maybe I shouldn't
be butting in here,

but you can catch the
most with dead squirrels.

Come on.

Guys, guys,

I am not going to do this, okay?

I'm going to get to the
bottom of it my own way.

So, I say to this patient,

"Look, you're never
going to get well

until you get over
this paranoia."

And he says to me, "I
was afraid you'd say that."

Well, you had to be there.

Your phone is ringing.

Ooh.

Why did you attack me like that?

I'm sorry, Eddie.

Look, I've been
very tense lately.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Are you happy with me?

Boy, am I.

No complaints?

Not one complaint.

You're lying.

Everybody has one complaint.

I want one complaint

or I'm not going to
believe you're happy.

Well, okay.

What?

Remember the other night

when I asked you if I could have

a few buddies over for poker,

and you shoved my
face into the refrigerator?

Well, I guess I
didn't like that.

Listen, Eddie, I want you
to promise me something.

I want you to promise me

that if you ever find someone
who makes you happier than I do

that you'll tell me.

Oh, yeah, right.

What do you mean by that?

You'd kill me.

No, I won't.

Now tell me the truth.
Are you having an affair?

No!

Did you believe me

when I said I wouldn't kill you?

No! Then if you
were having an affair,

you would still be saying no!

Yes! And if I weren't
having a affair,

I'd still say no!

Honey, look, I got
to tell you something.

I have a real bad headache
from this conversation.

I need to lie down
in a dark room.

Where do I go for frilly?

All right, I will
see your nickel

and I'll raise you a nickel.

Too rich for my blood.

Hey, honey, more chips and dip.

Right away, sweetheart.

Hey, Ed, what's
with the old lady?

Why is she acting so nice?

I got no idea. She's
been doing it all week.

But I got no idea how
a car works either,

but I don't mind
riding in one, eh?

Shades of the
Algonquin Roundtable.

Here you are, sweetheart.

Just the way you like it.

Oh, thanks. I
thought you forgot us.

Oh, no! I was just carrying
another keg in from the garage.

Oh, let me get that, baby face.

And when you're through with
that, could you grab me a beer?

Anything you want.

Me, too, please.

What do I look like, a waitress?

Oh, Sam, thank God it's you.

I think I'm hemorrhaging.

Don't worry about it.

I got some great
news, for you at least.

I went down to
Franzi's dressing room,

give her one last chance.

Guess who was
there. Her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend was there?

Yeah, yeah.

And Eddie's here?

Hey, Carla, beer me!

You think Eddie
looks like a melon.

Boy, I tell you,

you put a cantaloupe
up next to that guy's face,

I defy you to tell
the difference.

Hey, Carla,

Carla, what are
you doing out there,

growing the hops?

Right away, dear.

You know, maybe I'll join them
for a couple of hands of cards.

Don't bother.

The game's just
about to break up.

Thanks for the warning.

Hey, honey, we're
running a little low on dip.

You want some dip? Mm-hmm.

Here's your dip and
your chips and your drinks

and your cards.

You want 'em? Help yourselves.

I don't know about you
guys. I'm a little bushed.

You know, we really must
get together like this more often.

Oh, for God's sake, Norm.
Let the dog have the dip.

Now what the hell
was that all about?!

You never laid a hand
on that Franzi, did you?

Did you kiss her even?
Did you pinch her?

Did you do anything?

No, I swear it!

How could you
humiliate me like that?!

Franzi?

Carla, is that what
you're all upset about?

You think there's
something going on

between me and Franzi?

Listen, if that woman
threw herself at me,

I would have
nothing to do with her.

In fact, today at rehearsal I
saw how inhuman she could be.

She humiliated one of the guys

just because he
made a little mistake.

Chewed him out
in front of everyone.

Actually spit on him.

If it upset you so much,

why didn't you defend the guy?

I was the guy!

So nothing was going on

and you let me walk
around like Debbie Reynolds.

Why didn't you stop me?!

I thought maybe you
were pregnant again

and this was your
way of telling me.

Well, you didn't have
to like it so much.

Like it? It gave me the creeps.

Well, you certainly
seemed to like it

when you were making all those
stupid cracks in front of your friends.

Well, you know the competition

to be witty in
front of those guys.

Besides, honey, I mean,

isn't the important thing
I've been faithful to ya?

You have been, haven't you?

Yeah.

Guess I kinda
lost sight of that.

I was never married to
anyone who was faithful before.

You're really a good guy, Eddie.

I don't deserve you,

but I'm going to
try to from now on.

I'm going to be
the perfect wife.

I don't want you to
be the perfect wife.

I want the girl I married:

feisty, strong-willed,
and, well, downright nasty.

In a beautiful way.

You really mean that, Eddie?

Oh, you bet I do.

Then get your sorry
butt into the kitchen.

There's a sink full of dishes.

The garbage disposal is clogged,

and there's a cat box
with your name on it.

What are you doing?

Oh, my sweetie is back.

Beat it.