Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 18 - What's Up, Doc? - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Woody!

Have you finished counting?

Sure have, Miss Howe.

Ah, come on, Rebecca.

What, guess-how-many-beans-
in-the-jar bit?

That's so corny.

For your information,
corny is in.

America wants

to return to the innocence
of their teenage years.

Yeah, the '70s were
great, weren't they?



Anyway, this contest
will run all month,

and all of Boston
will be playing

the game for a fabulous

all-expense-paid trip to where?

Atlantic City!

For just guessing how many
jelly beans are in this jar.

Uh... 3,500.

Woody, is that the
correct number?

Nope.

Off by 163.

Woody!

You are not supposed
to tell them that.

Now we have to do
this all over again.

Do you have any extra
jelly beans back there?



Sure, there's a whole
bag at the end of the bar.

I hate when the black
ones get stuck in your teeth.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Watch this.

Hi, gorgeous.

Want to go out with me?

I've got a little cold.

Oh... next week?

I'm busy.

The week after?

Maybe.

You saw it.

You were there.

Sam Malone

just scored a "maybe."

Yow!

Well, well, this calls
for a celebration.

Waters all around.

Why, what?

Oh, this is truly sad.

I mean, a guy who would never
settle for less than eight dates a week

is doing back-flips
over a lousy "maybe."

Hey, come on, that's
progress for me and Rebecca.

Face facts.

You had it once but you lost it.

You ain't nothing but
Clavin in a good shirt.

Yeah, I guess we're gonna have
to go shopping for a new hero.

Oh, guys, guys, I
can't believe my ears.

Well, Sam, your ears are
the least of your problems.

You think I'm losing it?

What, you need proof?

No, no, no. Not necessary.

No, no, listen, I want
to prove to you guys

that I'm still your king.

Everybody, please.

Focus your attention
on the door there.

The Amazing Sammy
will now make love

to the very next woman
who enters this bar.

Be right back.

No, no, no. Hold it.

Hey, employees are ineligible.

I quit!

We're closed.

Too late,

too late.

My lovely volunteer.

Sammy, you're amazing.

Yeah?

Now, I want to assure you
that we've never met before.

If you watch very
closely you will notice,

that at no time does my
hand actually leave her body.

You know, she's exactly
like a girl I took out last night.

You mean "tore out."

Excuse me.

Boy, is it hot in
here or is it just you?

I'm sorry, did you just say

is it hot in here
or is it just me?

Yep.

If you like, there's more
where that came from.

Are you for real?

I've been asked that
question many times,

and by women a lot
more naked than you.

You know,

I've heard about men like you,

but I can't actually
say I've ever met one.

I'm on a roll here.

My name's Sam Malone.

My name is being withheld
for security reasons.

Well, that's very clever.

Maybe too clever.

What's it mean?

It means I'd like to
order a Manhattan.

I'd like you to
put a cherry in it,

and then I'd like
you to put a sock in it.

Your drink.

Greetings, all.

Ah, Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Ah, Woody, may I
have a beer please

and a mineral water
for the little mother.

You know, Lilith and I heard
a little joke the other day.

It seems a patient

walks into his
therapist's office

suffering from a case
of Korsakoff's psychosis

brought on by acute alcoholism.

Brain tumor.

Well, darling, it doesn't
make any difference.

Yes, it does.

Brain tumor is funnier.

You're right.

No wonder I didn't get anywhere.

She's a friend of
Lilith and Frasier's.

She's another
one of those boring,

cold-hearted intellectuals

with legs I could kill for.

Why, Sam? I like your legs.

If you comb your
hair a little different,

no one will even
notice that ear problem.

Thank you.

And then the therapist said

"No, I said ten cc's,
not Tennessee."

Or was it Kentucky?

It was Tennessee.

Well, it was good.

I'll have to remember that one.

Hello, Lilith. Hello,
Frasier. Hello, Sam.

I'd love to stay and talk
but I'm under a gag order.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were
a friend of the Cranes.

I'm Sheila Rydell.
Oh, how do you do?

Dr. Rydell is a
clinical psychiatrist

and also a fellow at
the Boston University.

Oh, well, thank God she's
a woman here at Cheers.

Doctors, excuse me a moment.

I need to call a patient.

Oh, yes, there's a
phone right down the hall.

This will probably
take a few minutes

so I'll meet you
upstairs shortly.

Fine.

Well, doctor, I have

a free phone right here.

I'm looking for a
little more privacy.

I have a phone in my bedroom.

Thank you, no.

Honey bear, shall we?

Oh, by the way, Sam.

Yeah?

Re: Doctor Rydell, I must
say I concur completely.

You know, most women who go
into psychiatry are real bowsers,

but, uh,

I wouldn't kick
her off the couch

for eating crackers, you know?

Frasier, I can hear you,
and so can your unborn child.

Will he be able to
escape from this one?

Let's watch.

What I meant to say was, um,

please, please, please
forgive me. And, um...

do you think we have time

to stop by Tiffany's
on the way home?

Good boy.

Boy, I tell you, I
want that woman.

Sam, she's carrying
Dr. Crane's baby.

No, no, not that woman.

The woman over by the phone.

Oh, well, who doesn't?

Hubba, hubba.

Sam. Yeah?

Mr. Cool, I hate to
burst your bubble again,

but didn't she just
shoot you down?

Hey, maybe you should
just stay away from brunettes.

Except me,

of course.

Yeah.

No, no, don't you see here?

The good doctor
and I are sparing.

It's sexy, it's fun.

Just like one of those

old Spencer Tracy-
Audrey Hepburn movies.

Sammy, would you
step in my office, please?

A word in your ear.

You know, if I were you,

I'd approach the
good Dr. Legs there

on a professional level.

I would make an
appointment with her

and pretend there was
something wrong with me.

Cliffie, that's a
pretty good idea.

Yeah, who gave it to you?

It's mine.

It, uh, came right
from this brain.

Hey, everybody,
Clavin got a new brain.

So what do you think?

Uh... What kind of
problem should I make up?

Well, uh, how about this?

I once took one of my kids
to the school psychiatrist

and he said the
kid had kleptomania.

Anything come of it?

Got a couple of pens

and a leather appointment book.

Yeah, or you could
try using my problem.

I've always had this
terrible fear of being a failure.

You are a failure.

Well, then I've licked it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've got a suggestion.

This is surefire.

It's going to get you
where you really want her.

Impotence.

Ooh-ooh-ooh, no.

No, that's a word us
guys don't even like to say.

Wait a minute, take it from me.

We women are pushovers
for this kind of stuff.

Hey, there are two things
that women like to do

more than anything
else in the world.

And one of them is to
cure a guy of impotence.

What's the other thing?

Give it to him again
if he gets out of line.

No, I tell you,

I don't care how
hot that lady is.

That's... I just couldn't say
something like that to her.

Okay, so I tell her
that I'm impotent.

Mr. Malone.

Oh, it is the same Sam Malone.

I hope this is a
professional visit.

Oh, I'm sad to say yes.

Doctor, I need to
unburden myself here,

and I figured that you
were the one person

maybe I could talk to.

Of course.

Sit down.

Now take your time.

Tell me what's troubling you.

Well, Doctor, as you know,
I'm a young, healthy male.

But recently I've...

Oh, heck, I'm not going to
mince words with you here.

Lately I haven't been able to
get the old evan root cranking.

Excuse me?

Um, well, it's like... uh...

it's like my favorite shirt

is a little light in the starch.

Are you trying to say
that you're impotent?

No, don't, oh,
don't use that word.

Oh, I see.

Yes, well, uh,

arousal dysfunction is a
fairly common problem,

but it can be

very, very, very distressing.

Oh, it is.

It is.

How does this problem
usually manifest itself?

Oh, it's too painful
to talk about.

I could demonstrate if you like.

No, thank you.

No, no, you're probably right.

With my luck, it would
work, you know...

Like when you take your car
to the mechanic, you know.

Of course, this isn't
my field of expertise,

but you're in luck.

My associate,
Dr. Heimlich Mueller

is conducting a group
session at this very moment.

I'm sure he'd agree
to let you join in.

Actually I was kind of hoping
that you could handle it.

Oh, don't feel uneasy
about Dr. Mueller.

Those charges linking
him to the Gestapo

were grossly exaggerated.

Excuse me?

He was merely a consultant.

Actually, his technique is
somewhat controversial.

You'll have to go in
there and proclaim

your sexual
disorder to the group.

You want me to say that
in front of other people?

Oh, there are only a half dozen
men in there just like yourself,

and of course the 20
or 30 observing nurses.

Just go in there, stand up
and say "I'm Sam Malone,

and I no longer
function as a man."

No! No, no! Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, no, no, I'm...

Listen, there's been a
misunderstanding here.

I didn't say "impotent,"
I said "impudent."

Yeah, I'm a smart ass.

See?

There's nothing wrong
with me, no, ma'am.

Then the cure worked.

That'll be $150.

Pay the receptionist

on your way out.

Oh... You-you've been...
you've been putting me on.

And that was very
unfair of me considering

how honest you were being.

All right, I admit that I
was making up that stuff

just because, well,
you're... a beautiful woman

and I just wanted to
see a little more of you,

that's all.

I see.

Well, actually, that's
kind of flattering.

Not very many men would come
in here and humiliate themselves

and tell some
childish, idiotic lie

just to spend five
minutes with me.

I'm a romantic.

So what do you say, you
want to go out to dinner?

I suppose I could use a
bit more romance in my life.

All right, great.

I'll call you, next
week sometime.

How about tomorrow night? Great.

That's good, that's
good. All right.

Yeah, thanks very much. Ha.

Um... excuse me. See, I...

You didn't have that
tape recorder on, did you,

when I was making
up that stuff about imp...

Don't worry, Sam.

The moment you walked in here

I was aware you were
faking the whole thing

and I turned the recorder off.

Oh, good. Well, thank goodness.

And I turned the intercom on.

Okay, boys, closing time.

Let's move on out.

Probably want to go
home, get some rest,

so you can be back
for your 9:00 a.m. shift.

It's one of those
days I hate to see end,

you know what I mean? Mm-hmm.

Hey, I got some new videos.

You guys want to
come over my place?

New videos, great. Yeah, yeah,

Ma had our home
movies converted to tape.

There's a great one of me
all dressed up as Peter Pan.

Ma's Captain Hook,
she's tying me up.

It's great.

For Halloween, huh?

No, no, it's a little
game we used to play

to help me sleep.

You know how
crazy teenagers are.

Well, Sheila, why don't
you hop up to the bar there,

I'll fix us a little nightcap.

Oh, Sammy, you
mind if I take off early?

I want to put the little
ones to bed myself tonight.

Put them to bed?
Hey, it's 2:00 a.m.

Oh, right, they're
probably not home yet.

Ah, well, I'll get some sleep.

Hey, listen, don't forget
to put up the barstools.

Don't worry about
it. We'll do it later.

I hope so.

But take care
of the stools, too.

Sam, I had a really lovely
time with you tonight.

Well, you sound
a little surprised.

Well, I am a little.

I guess a lot of the
men I go out with

tend to be a little stuffy.

But you're so relaxed
and easy to be with.

And I must admit, I've never
seen a man do a puppet show

with lobster claws before.

Well, you were
a lovely audience.

Thank you.

Hey, and thank you for not
coming on like a psychiatrist.

What does that mean?

Well, I know you guys
always have your meter going.

And I was afraid you
were sitting there thinking

all sorts of weird,
head-shrinking things.

Well, as a professional,

you learn to keep
those things to yourself.

So you were
thinking those things?

Sam, I really prefer to
divorce business from pleasure.

Absolutely. No, you're right.

Were they bad things?

Sam, I really
think it's a mistake

to pursue this
matter any further.

Oh, great. I bet
you wouldn't say that

if you were
thinking good things.

I mean, you'd probably

come right out and say it if
you were sitting there thinking,

"Whoa, you know, this
guy is really together

and I'm lucky to be with
him, and boy, the hair."

So come on, tell me.

Really, Sam, no.

Hey, come on, I can take it.

It'll be fun.

Sam, would you just
please drop the subject?

Okay.

Boy, you brain benders

are all the same, aren't you?

I mean, you want

two years of a guy's life

and every penny he earns

before you give him one
little simple diagnosis.

You know, I think
you're full of blabber.

I don't think you know
anything about me.

I think I do.

Yeah? Then why
don't you tell me.

All right, Sam, if you insist.

I do.

My professional opinion of you

is that your every
thought, word and deed

revolves around sex.

You have nothing
else in your life.

Without constant sex,
you'd probably just shrivel up

into a little, dried
anchovy and die.

Well, who wouldn't?

I mean, that's it?

No bad stuff?

Sam, there's
nothing but bad stuff.

You're an aging lothario

who uses sex to cover
up massive insecurity,

a fear of true intimacy,
fear of a relationship

and quite frankly, not
only a fear of dying,

but a fear of living, too.

You're one sick cowpoke.

I resent that.

You know, you were shoveling
down that lobster tonight

like there was no tomorrow.

You know, you even
ate the green stuff

and this is the thanks I get?

Sam, you forced me to tell you.

What did you want me to do, lie?

Of course, yes.

Oh, Sam, come on.

Why don't we just
forget the whole thing

and go back to my place?

What?

You still want to go to bed,

even though sex is supposedly

the only thing I
have in my life?

Exactly.

And so I assume
you're rather good at it.

You would actually
have sex with somebody

you don't even respect?

Isn't that what you
do with women?

Yeah, but I cover it up.

I mean, how long have
you lived in America, lady?

Oh, Sam, come on.

No, listen, I think you
ought to take a hike.

I'll tell you what,
send me a bill

for another hundred and a
half, I'll deduct the lobster.

Well, I'm sorry if
this was painful,

but maybe it was good
for you to have heard it.

By the way, if you change
your mind about the sex,

I can be beeped anytime.

That's so pathetic!

Oh!

Oh!

Are you locking up?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you think that my life is
empty and void of any meaning?

Yep.

Don't forget to lock up.

Oh, b...

Tough night on the
dating circuit, Sam?

Oh...

Do you believe... my...

My date told me that
there was nothing in my life

except women or sex.

By the way, you
look hot tonight.

Come on, Sam, you
have a lot going for you.

Yeah?

Like what?

There's...

Ooh, I could go on and on.

See you later, Sam.

Wait a minute. Come
on, answer the question.

What do I have in my life
that isn't women or sex?

Come on, Sam,
you're a passionate guy.

I bet you have a lot of things
that you care deeply about.

Yeah, like what?

Your job.

It's a great way to meet babes.

You love your car.

Babes love it.

Sailing.

Babes on waves.

See?

Then the doctor was
right, I'm a shallow guy.

I mean, everything I
do is to impress women

or revolves around sex.

I guess I'm nothing more

than a hot, manly
machine of love.

Um, uh...

Sam, wait. What
about the Stooges?

They're all right,
they're over at Cliff's.

No, no, Sam. What
about the Three Stooges?

Oh, yeah, great. I
like the Three Stooges.

That helps a lot.

Wait a minute, Sam.
Think about this.

Do women like the Three Stooges?

No, they hate them.

All right.

Are women impressed that
you like the Three Stooges?

No, some of them
even think they're stupid.

When you're watching
the Three Stooges,

do you think they're sexy?

No, when you watch
the Three Stooges,

nobody has time to
think about sex or women.

Hey, wait a minute.

That means I do have
another interest in my life.

I like the Stooges
for themselves.

Hey, whoa, I'm okay.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

That's fine, Sam.

Come here, porcupine.

Knock it off. Come on, try it,

you'll like it. Come on, do it.

All right.

There you go.

Come here, porcupine.

Ooh.

Hey, the Stooges don't bleed.