Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 19 - The Gift of the Woodi - full transcript
Rebecca, self professed as "too darn beautiful", is looking to Lilith as her new fashion role model in getting ahead in the business world. However, what works for Lilith works for Lilith. Cliff wants to go into business himself marketing his new product, the beetabaga, a cross between a rutabaga and a beet. Meanwhile, Woody is getting closer to corporate as he dates Kelly Gaines, the daughter of one of the VP's. It's Kelly's birthday and Mr. Gaines invites Woody to her party. The gang at the bar thinks Mr. Gaines' invitation is just to put Woody in a bad light in Kelly's eyes as Woody can't afford to buy Kelly an expensive gift to which she's accustomed. In fact, she does get one expensive new car after another as birthday gifts. Frasier suggests a gift from the heart, which Woody does give with all his heart and voice. As much as Kelly likes what Woody gives her, she is still wondering where her real present is. Unless Woody can convince Kelly that an ATM is not an infinite source of money, he thinks his and Kelly's relationship may be reaching its natural conclusion. In the process, Woody learns that true love is a two-way street.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
All right, I'm gonna say it,
and I don't care who knows it.
Every since Reagan
left the White House,
this country has gone
to heck in a handcart.
Here we go.
Heads.
Ha-ha.
Damn.
All right, Cliff, seeing as
how I'm your best friend,
I guess you better tell
me what the problem is.
Ah, you're only asking
me 'cause you lost the toss.
No, he's only your best
friend because he lost the toss.
Eh, fine, here, go
ahead and laugh.
Yeah, go ahead and laugh.
We'll see how funny
you think this is.
( laughing)
Oh, as you you may have guessed,
this is a hybrid cross
between a rutabaga and a beet.
What are we calling it?
Beetabaga.
Cliffie, I don't want to
poke holes in this thing,
or even touch it, actually,
but really, I mean,
how useful do you think
this is going to be?
Are you kidding, Norm?
This is a perfect vegetable
for kids who hate
rutabagas but love beets.
Oh, and there must be,
what, dozens of those, right?
CLIFF: Exactly.
Fills a long felt need, Norm.
That's why those faceless
bureaucrats in Washington
are trying to steal
it away from me.
Which reminds me.
Uh, I got an affidavit
here I'd like you all to sign
saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin
is the inventor
of the beetabaga.
Cliffie... You got a pen?
Cliff. Yeah?
Remember when, uh,
you asked me to tell you
if you were going
off the deep end?
Yeah.
Well, don't come up too fast,
buddy, you'll get the bends.
Norm, Norm,
you know, I usually go
along with you, but, uh...
I am really on to
something here.
Cliffie, does this
sound familiar?
( sputtering)
( piano plays)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Whoa, Woody, you
look like a million bucks.
Well, you're way off, Sam.
I got the sweater for $19.95,
I got the pants for 25 bucks
and I got the socks at
a yard sale for 40 cents.
What's the occasion?
Well, they were
selling the house,
trying to get rid
of some old socks.
No, Woody, I meant why
are you all dressed up?
Oh, well, uh, the
corporation's having a big lunch
and my girlfriend's
dad is going to be there.
Oh, so in case
you bump in to him
you want to look
good, huh? Whoo.
Yeah, he makes me so nervous.
It took me an hour to figure out
what to wear this morning.
Yeah, you know, I
have that problem, too.
You only have three suits.
Yeah, but I have five ties.
Sam, can you help
me to get my hair
to do what yours always does.
Sure, I don't think
that'd be a problem
there, Woody.
Okay.
( dryer whirs)
Now, you don't know what
your PH level is, do you?
Oh, hi, Mr. Gaines.
Woody...
now that you're
dating my daughter,
I suppose we should
take some time
to be a little more friendly.
Therefore, I'd
like to invite you
to Kelly's birthday
party this Friday.
Oh, thanks, but you didn't have
to come all the way down
here and tell me in person.
Well, I keep thinking if we
spend more time together,
see each other face to face,
I'll learn what the
attraction is for my daughter.
Nope.
I'm an enigma.
I have just about had it up
to here with this corporation.
Hey, everybody,
here comes the broken record.
I get invited to my first
power lunch meeting
and nobody even notices me.
As usual, I am just ignored.
But I finally figured out why.
I am just too darned attractive.
Guys really hate that.
You know, the problem
is that everybody
just sees me as a sex kitten.
I hate that.
I think I need to find
a new role model.
If only I knew one
successful career woman
with an image that invites
no sexual appeal whatsoever.
Another decaffeinated
ice coffee,
black as you can make it.
Lilith, I love the way you look.
Which is it?
The radiant
glow of impending motherhood,
or the 20 pounds of water
I'm retaining in my
fingers and ankles?
Lilith, Lilith, I love
the way you dress.
I admire your style.
Do you think that
um, you could help me develop a
more business-like appearance?
I'd love to, Rebecca.
And may I say it's
about time you asked.
There are two
approaches a woman can take
in turning her look
to her advantage.
The first is to play upon
the male sexual drive
and turn yourself into
an object of desire.
I have opted for the second.
What's that?
Scaring them stupid.
I like it.
So, Woods, what did Mr. Big
want to talk to you about?
He still sweating you out
about seeing his daughter?
I bet he offered
you a couple of thou
to keep your mitts off
the airhead to the throne.
NORM: Don't you do it, Woody.
Money is no substitute for
the love of a good woman.
Now real estate, especially
in today's market...
No, no, no. You
guys are way off base.
I didn't think Mr. Gaines
liked me either,
but he just invited me
to Kelly's birthday party.
NORM: Ooh, well, that's great.
Well, you know,
you're going to have
to get her a present, Wood.
I know, Carla. I'm
prepared for this.
And I'm not just
giving her any present,
but the gift that makes us all
a little bit happier
to be alive.
The gift of laughter.
( chuckling)
How, uh, how so, Wood?
I'm giving her The Really
Big Book of Dutch Humor.
( laughing)
See, it works.
Woody, you know,
everybody at the party
is going to be richer than God.
If you walk in there and
show them a stupid book
full of tulip jokes,
they're going to
laugh in your face.
That's kind of the idea, Carla.
Woody, I think Kelly
might be used to gifts
a little bit more expensive.
Well, then why did
the father invite me?
He knows I can't
afford anything ritzy.
Well, maybe that's
his plan, Woody.
Maybe he wants to humiliate
you in front of Kelly's friends,
so she'll be too embarrassed
to date you anymore.
Maybe I won't even go.
Maybe I'll just stay home this
weekend and work on my hair.
Sam?
Yeah.
I could help you out.
You know, you got a wave
there that's just going to waste.
Say, Woody, Woody.
Before Mr. Jacques
combs you out...
could you come here?
Woody, you're
giving up too easily.
You see, I'm sure you
have plenty to offer Kelly.
Like what?
Well, how 'bout a
gift from the heart?
Something which no
rich man can obtain,
upon which no price can be set.
Great idea, Dr. Crane.
I can't tell you actually
what to do of course,
but I can relate a story
from my own experience.
I remember when I was
courting a certain beauty,
I wrote her a poem.
Of course, it was no
great piece of literature,
but it did express
my feelings honestly.
I recall reciting the
last lines while we were
sitting in front of the
fire, basking in our love.
"Your lips are the
flame that consumes me
and the candle
that lights my way."
Frasier, love.
Yes, dearest?
I've never heard that
drivel before in my life.
I wonder whose lips those were.
( indistinct conversations)
Wow, Kelly, that's beautiful.
Come on, Uncle Val, I
know you. What's the gag?
Look inside.
Yeah, a new Mercedes!
Thank you.
Well, that looks like that's it.
What say we all go outside
and have a look at
some of Kelly's new cars?
Wait, everybody.
Woody hasn't given
me his present yet.
Oh.
That's right, Kelly.
Uh, could you come
stand over here?
I'd like to sing you
a little song I wrote for you.
Now I should tell
you right up front,
that I'm not really a
professional singer.
I'm more of a vocal stylist.
The song, Woody.
Oh, right.
( plays sweetly)
♪ Kelly, my darling,
you are my sunshine ♪
♪ When we're
together I feel fine ♪
♪ Your smile is so lovely,
your hair is so clean ♪
♪ You make me feel that
the whole world is mine ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ K-E-L-L-Y ♪
♪ Why? Because
you're Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine ♪
( soft applause )
♪ Mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine ♪
♪ Mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. ♪
( song ends)
Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.
You really liked it?
Oh, I liked it more
than anything.
Thanks.
So, where's my gift?
Woody, I think
you ought to lay off.
How many have you had?
Eleven.
11 beers?
11 sips.
Well, that's...
that's plenty, Woody.
You know, booze is no
way to handle any problems.
I just can't get over that
Kelly made a fool out of me
in front of all those people.
So you just left, huh?
What else could I do?
I told her my present
was out front and ran off.
Don't worry about it, Wood.
It happens to all of us.
Really?
Did Mrs. Peterson ever
make a fool out of you
in front of other people?
Yeah, there was that time
she pulled the old "I do" gag.
I just never expected
this from Kelly.
I'm really mad at her.
She's just a rich...
a rich...
I'd like to call
her a nasty name,
but I can't think of anything
that rhymes with rich.
You know, Woody, you're
better off dumping her.
Rich people stink.
I hate them.
I hate their soft shoes...
the way they're too
relaxed to sweat.
You know what I hate
most about rich people?
I'm not one of them.
Yeah, Carla, you sweat
like a longshoreman.
Woody, I think you ought
to give her a second chance.
I mean, Kelly doesn't
know what she's doing here.
She was born rich.
All her school friends are rich.
You know, maybe she
just can't imagine someone
who can't afford
something expensive.
Did you explain it to her?
What's the use? I
don't care anymore.
Don't be bitter.
I'm not bitter, Sam.
I'm just consumed
by a gnawing hate
that's eating away at my gut
until I can taste the
bile in my mouth.
Well, I guess I
am a little bitter.
Either that or I'm coming
down with something.
Does anybody have a Tic Tac?
( knocking)
Where's Rebecca?
In changing.
I'm helping her
remake her image.
We're planning to
crash the power lunch
going on right
now at Melville's,
to show those executives
what a real, no-nonsense
businesswoman looks like.
What does she look like?
Miss Howe?
Oh, a man.
Carla, stop interrupting.
Lilith is trying to teach me how
to be a hard-ass businesswoman.
The pretzel man
wants to see you.
You talk to him.
He scares me.
You look wonderful,
Rebecca. Thank you.
Can you breathe in that thing?
I'm a little constricted.
Perhaps it's the tight collar.
Or the ace bandage
strapped around my breasts.
Well, they interfered
with the line of your jacket.
What do you think, Carla?
Well, turn around.
Bind her butt, too.
Are you ready
to sock it to the
old boy's network?
I am!
Too much inflection.
I am.
I am proud of you.
Geez, two Liliths.
This is like a
nightmare I had once.
You, too?
Well, that cuts it.
The whole world's against me.
What's the problem, Cliffie?
Oh, those boneheads
down at McDonald's
refuse to consider the
obvious commercial value
of Mcbeetabaga burgers.
For God's sake, are
you still going on about
your stupid vegetable?
It's not my vegetable, Norm.
It belongs to the whole world.
Aren't you vegetable
enough for the world?
Now you are going to be doubting
on the other side of
your mouth pretty soon.
You know, I went home last night
and fooled around in
the kitchen a little bit,
and I came up with some
mouthwatering morsels here.
Come on, who's
going to be the first
to try some of these goodies?
We have beetabaga brittle,
beetabaga burritos and
that little taste of Cairo,
beetabaga fajita in a pita.
How about a beetabaga barf bag?
I'd like to try one. May I?
Sure, you certainly may.
You certainly may.
A man with a sense of adventure.
Here you go, sir.
Mm.
Oh, this is delicious.
Yeah, yeah? Not too chalky?
No,
I really like the
unusual aftertaste.
Yeah, that'll stay with
you for a couple of days.
Now listen up down there.
This fine gentleman
can teach you something.
You know, I plan
to tell the people
back where I work about these.
Oh, hey, hear that?
And I should know
something on the subject,
as I not only have a
degree in agriculture,
but I'm also a graduate
of the Cordon Bleu.
The man is an expert.
I'm also an astronaut.
Wow.
Next week I'm going to
be the Queen of Spain.
Hey, uh, Fras, could
you use another patient?
Oh, Cliff, you're harmless.
Yeah, there's only
one thing left to do.
I'll just take this
to the public.
Beetabaga fajita on a pita?
No habla espanol, senor.
Woody, are you okay?
I was afraid something
awful had happened to you.
Yeah, well, maybe it did.
I kept waiting for you to
come back to the party,
and at first I just
figured you'd gone out
on to the front lawn and
got lost, like last week.
But now I know
something's wrong.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
I don't have a gift for you.
So why don't you just leave?
Okay, Woody, if
that's what you want.
No, wait, Kelly.
It's not what I want, but you
have to understand something.
I'm just a poor working guy.
Could we go someplace and talk?
I can't leave now.
Why not?
I have a job.
I know, I think that's so cute.
I don't work to be cute.
I work to make money to live.
The cute part just happens.
Don't you understand?
I'm trying, Woody.
There are some gifts
you can't put in a box
or hold in your hand.
Kelly, the song was my gift.
Oh, I get it, the
song is a riddle, right?
And if I can figure it out
it'll tell me where
you've hidden my gift.
I think we're
just too different.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
Really?
Really.
I guess there isn't
anything else to say.
Well, I'm sorry, man.
But what were you
supposed to do?
You know, run out
and empty your savings,
hock everything you own, spend
every penny you ever earned
just to buy her a silly
little piece of jewelry?
Sam, that's a great idea.
No, Woody.
And I always thought
I was the smart one.
( grunting)
How'd it go?
Well, not bad.
If I choose to
accept their offer,
you're looking at the
new vice president
in charge of the
Eastern Seaboard.
She's lying.
I'm the vice president
of the Eastern Seaboard.
Now I am the Eastern Seaboard.
What a view!
( playing note on piano) ♪
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... ♪
Hi, Kelly.
Happy birthday.
I thought you never
wanted to see me again.
Oh, that was just a joke.
You know my crazy Dutch humor.
Here.
Oh, Woody, you didn't have to.
Oh, it's a pendant.
It's a little opal
surrounded by sand.
Those are crushed diamonds.
I like it.
Where's the chain?
Well, I'll have that for you in
another 18 easy payments.
Well, let's go get it now.
We'll take my new Lamborghini.
It only has three miles on it.
We can't go get it now.
I don't have any money.
Oh, we can just stop by your
automatic teller on the way.
Kelly, when I say I
don't have any money,
I don't have any money.
Nothing in my shoe,
nothing under my mattress.
Nothing.
You take all the
money in all the world
and get rid of it
and that's how
much money I have.
Wait a minute.
You can't afford this, can you?
That's why you've been so upset.
Now I understand.
It's like when Daddy wanted
to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You know, this is really
sweet, but I can't accept it
if it's going to hurt you.
Thanks, Kelly.
I feel really bad about this.
No, I'm the one.
You see, I just wanted
to give you something
that nobody else could,
and I know I couldn't
compete with your friends
when it came to expensive
stuff, so I tried that dorky song.
It was pretty.
The tune or the words?
The words especially.
Good, 'cause I sort
of ripped off the tune.
I liked it.
Well, gee, there is one other
thing I wanted to give you,
and maybe it's even
better than the song.
No one else in the world has it.
What's that?
Just...
I love you.
You're not going to say
"where's my gift," are you?
Oh, Woody, you make
me feel so ashamed.
Your gift makes all those
others seem so cheap.
Look, Kelly, you're the
best girl in the whole world.
And to think that
for your birthday
I was going to
get you a Porsche.
Talk about shallow.
All you really need is to hear
me say that I love you, too.
Woody?
Woody?
I'm sorry, did you say
something after Porsche?
a live studio audience.
All right, I'm gonna say it,
and I don't care who knows it.
Every since Reagan
left the White House,
this country has gone
to heck in a handcart.
Here we go.
Heads.
Ha-ha.
Damn.
All right, Cliff, seeing as
how I'm your best friend,
I guess you better tell
me what the problem is.
Ah, you're only asking
me 'cause you lost the toss.
No, he's only your best
friend because he lost the toss.
Eh, fine, here, go
ahead and laugh.
Yeah, go ahead and laugh.
We'll see how funny
you think this is.
( laughing)
Oh, as you you may have guessed,
this is a hybrid cross
between a rutabaga and a beet.
What are we calling it?
Beetabaga.
Cliffie, I don't want to
poke holes in this thing,
or even touch it, actually,
but really, I mean,
how useful do you think
this is going to be?
Are you kidding, Norm?
This is a perfect vegetable
for kids who hate
rutabagas but love beets.
Oh, and there must be,
what, dozens of those, right?
CLIFF: Exactly.
Fills a long felt need, Norm.
That's why those faceless
bureaucrats in Washington
are trying to steal
it away from me.
Which reminds me.
Uh, I got an affidavit
here I'd like you all to sign
saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin
is the inventor
of the beetabaga.
Cliffie... You got a pen?
Cliff. Yeah?
Remember when, uh,
you asked me to tell you
if you were going
off the deep end?
Yeah.
Well, don't come up too fast,
buddy, you'll get the bends.
Norm, Norm,
you know, I usually go
along with you, but, uh...
I am really on to
something here.
Cliffie, does this
sound familiar?
( sputtering)
( piano plays)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Whoa, Woody, you
look like a million bucks.
Well, you're way off, Sam.
I got the sweater for $19.95,
I got the pants for 25 bucks
and I got the socks at
a yard sale for 40 cents.
What's the occasion?
Well, they were
selling the house,
trying to get rid
of some old socks.
No, Woody, I meant why
are you all dressed up?
Oh, well, uh, the
corporation's having a big lunch
and my girlfriend's
dad is going to be there.
Oh, so in case
you bump in to him
you want to look
good, huh? Whoo.
Yeah, he makes me so nervous.
It took me an hour to figure out
what to wear this morning.
Yeah, you know, I
have that problem, too.
You only have three suits.
Yeah, but I have five ties.
Sam, can you help
me to get my hair
to do what yours always does.
Sure, I don't think
that'd be a problem
there, Woody.
Okay.
( dryer whirs)
Now, you don't know what
your PH level is, do you?
Oh, hi, Mr. Gaines.
Woody...
now that you're
dating my daughter,
I suppose we should
take some time
to be a little more friendly.
Therefore, I'd
like to invite you
to Kelly's birthday
party this Friday.
Oh, thanks, but you didn't have
to come all the way down
here and tell me in person.
Well, I keep thinking if we
spend more time together,
see each other face to face,
I'll learn what the
attraction is for my daughter.
Nope.
I'm an enigma.
I have just about had it up
to here with this corporation.
Hey, everybody,
here comes the broken record.
I get invited to my first
power lunch meeting
and nobody even notices me.
As usual, I am just ignored.
But I finally figured out why.
I am just too darned attractive.
Guys really hate that.
You know, the problem
is that everybody
just sees me as a sex kitten.
I hate that.
I think I need to find
a new role model.
If only I knew one
successful career woman
with an image that invites
no sexual appeal whatsoever.
Another decaffeinated
ice coffee,
black as you can make it.
Lilith, I love the way you look.
Which is it?
The radiant
glow of impending motherhood,
or the 20 pounds of water
I'm retaining in my
fingers and ankles?
Lilith, Lilith, I love
the way you dress.
I admire your style.
Do you think that
um, you could help me develop a
more business-like appearance?
I'd love to, Rebecca.
And may I say it's
about time you asked.
There are two
approaches a woman can take
in turning her look
to her advantage.
The first is to play upon
the male sexual drive
and turn yourself into
an object of desire.
I have opted for the second.
What's that?
Scaring them stupid.
I like it.
So, Woods, what did Mr. Big
want to talk to you about?
He still sweating you out
about seeing his daughter?
I bet he offered
you a couple of thou
to keep your mitts off
the airhead to the throne.
NORM: Don't you do it, Woody.
Money is no substitute for
the love of a good woman.
Now real estate, especially
in today's market...
No, no, no. You
guys are way off base.
I didn't think Mr. Gaines
liked me either,
but he just invited me
to Kelly's birthday party.
NORM: Ooh, well, that's great.
Well, you know,
you're going to have
to get her a present, Wood.
I know, Carla. I'm
prepared for this.
And I'm not just
giving her any present,
but the gift that makes us all
a little bit happier
to be alive.
The gift of laughter.
( chuckling)
How, uh, how so, Wood?
I'm giving her The Really
Big Book of Dutch Humor.
( laughing)
See, it works.
Woody, you know,
everybody at the party
is going to be richer than God.
If you walk in there and
show them a stupid book
full of tulip jokes,
they're going to
laugh in your face.
That's kind of the idea, Carla.
Woody, I think Kelly
might be used to gifts
a little bit more expensive.
Well, then why did
the father invite me?
He knows I can't
afford anything ritzy.
Well, maybe that's
his plan, Woody.
Maybe he wants to humiliate
you in front of Kelly's friends,
so she'll be too embarrassed
to date you anymore.
Maybe I won't even go.
Maybe I'll just stay home this
weekend and work on my hair.
Sam?
Yeah.
I could help you out.
You know, you got a wave
there that's just going to waste.
Say, Woody, Woody.
Before Mr. Jacques
combs you out...
could you come here?
Woody, you're
giving up too easily.
You see, I'm sure you
have plenty to offer Kelly.
Like what?
Well, how 'bout a
gift from the heart?
Something which no
rich man can obtain,
upon which no price can be set.
Great idea, Dr. Crane.
I can't tell you actually
what to do of course,
but I can relate a story
from my own experience.
I remember when I was
courting a certain beauty,
I wrote her a poem.
Of course, it was no
great piece of literature,
but it did express
my feelings honestly.
I recall reciting the
last lines while we were
sitting in front of the
fire, basking in our love.
"Your lips are the
flame that consumes me
and the candle
that lights my way."
Frasier, love.
Yes, dearest?
I've never heard that
drivel before in my life.
I wonder whose lips those were.
( indistinct conversations)
Wow, Kelly, that's beautiful.
Come on, Uncle Val, I
know you. What's the gag?
Look inside.
Yeah, a new Mercedes!
Thank you.
Well, that looks like that's it.
What say we all go outside
and have a look at
some of Kelly's new cars?
Wait, everybody.
Woody hasn't given
me his present yet.
Oh.
That's right, Kelly.
Uh, could you come
stand over here?
I'd like to sing you
a little song I wrote for you.
Now I should tell
you right up front,
that I'm not really a
professional singer.
I'm more of a vocal stylist.
The song, Woody.
Oh, right.
( plays sweetly)
♪ Kelly, my darling,
you are my sunshine ♪
♪ When we're
together I feel fine ♪
♪ Your smile is so lovely,
your hair is so clean ♪
♪ You make me feel that
the whole world is mine ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ K-E-L-L-Y ♪
♪ Why? Because
you're Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine ♪
( soft applause )
♪ Mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine ♪
♪ Mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. ♪
( song ends)
Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.
You really liked it?
Oh, I liked it more
than anything.
Thanks.
So, where's my gift?
Woody, I think
you ought to lay off.
How many have you had?
Eleven.
11 beers?
11 sips.
Well, that's...
that's plenty, Woody.
You know, booze is no
way to handle any problems.
I just can't get over that
Kelly made a fool out of me
in front of all those people.
So you just left, huh?
What else could I do?
I told her my present
was out front and ran off.
Don't worry about it, Wood.
It happens to all of us.
Really?
Did Mrs. Peterson ever
make a fool out of you
in front of other people?
Yeah, there was that time
she pulled the old "I do" gag.
I just never expected
this from Kelly.
I'm really mad at her.
She's just a rich...
a rich...
I'd like to call
her a nasty name,
but I can't think of anything
that rhymes with rich.
You know, Woody, you're
better off dumping her.
Rich people stink.
I hate them.
I hate their soft shoes...
the way they're too
relaxed to sweat.
You know what I hate
most about rich people?
I'm not one of them.
Yeah, Carla, you sweat
like a longshoreman.
Woody, I think you ought
to give her a second chance.
I mean, Kelly doesn't
know what she's doing here.
She was born rich.
All her school friends are rich.
You know, maybe she
just can't imagine someone
who can't afford
something expensive.
Did you explain it to her?
What's the use? I
don't care anymore.
Don't be bitter.
I'm not bitter, Sam.
I'm just consumed
by a gnawing hate
that's eating away at my gut
until I can taste the
bile in my mouth.
Well, I guess I
am a little bitter.
Either that or I'm coming
down with something.
Does anybody have a Tic Tac?
( knocking)
Where's Rebecca?
In changing.
I'm helping her
remake her image.
We're planning to
crash the power lunch
going on right
now at Melville's,
to show those executives
what a real, no-nonsense
businesswoman looks like.
What does she look like?
Miss Howe?
Oh, a man.
Carla, stop interrupting.
Lilith is trying to teach me how
to be a hard-ass businesswoman.
The pretzel man
wants to see you.
You talk to him.
He scares me.
You look wonderful,
Rebecca. Thank you.
Can you breathe in that thing?
I'm a little constricted.
Perhaps it's the tight collar.
Or the ace bandage
strapped around my breasts.
Well, they interfered
with the line of your jacket.
What do you think, Carla?
Well, turn around.
Bind her butt, too.
Are you ready
to sock it to the
old boy's network?
I am!
Too much inflection.
I am.
I am proud of you.
Geez, two Liliths.
This is like a
nightmare I had once.
You, too?
Well, that cuts it.
The whole world's against me.
What's the problem, Cliffie?
Oh, those boneheads
down at McDonald's
refuse to consider the
obvious commercial value
of Mcbeetabaga burgers.
For God's sake, are
you still going on about
your stupid vegetable?
It's not my vegetable, Norm.
It belongs to the whole world.
Aren't you vegetable
enough for the world?
Now you are going to be doubting
on the other side of
your mouth pretty soon.
You know, I went home last night
and fooled around in
the kitchen a little bit,
and I came up with some
mouthwatering morsels here.
Come on, who's
going to be the first
to try some of these goodies?
We have beetabaga brittle,
beetabaga burritos and
that little taste of Cairo,
beetabaga fajita in a pita.
How about a beetabaga barf bag?
I'd like to try one. May I?
Sure, you certainly may.
You certainly may.
A man with a sense of adventure.
Here you go, sir.
Mm.
Oh, this is delicious.
Yeah, yeah? Not too chalky?
No,
I really like the
unusual aftertaste.
Yeah, that'll stay with
you for a couple of days.
Now listen up down there.
This fine gentleman
can teach you something.
You know, I plan
to tell the people
back where I work about these.
Oh, hey, hear that?
And I should know
something on the subject,
as I not only have a
degree in agriculture,
but I'm also a graduate
of the Cordon Bleu.
The man is an expert.
I'm also an astronaut.
Wow.
Next week I'm going to
be the Queen of Spain.
Hey, uh, Fras, could
you use another patient?
Oh, Cliff, you're harmless.
Yeah, there's only
one thing left to do.
I'll just take this
to the public.
Beetabaga fajita on a pita?
No habla espanol, senor.
Woody, are you okay?
I was afraid something
awful had happened to you.
Yeah, well, maybe it did.
I kept waiting for you to
come back to the party,
and at first I just
figured you'd gone out
on to the front lawn and
got lost, like last week.
But now I know
something's wrong.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
I don't have a gift for you.
So why don't you just leave?
Okay, Woody, if
that's what you want.
No, wait, Kelly.
It's not what I want, but you
have to understand something.
I'm just a poor working guy.
Could we go someplace and talk?
I can't leave now.
Why not?
I have a job.
I know, I think that's so cute.
I don't work to be cute.
I work to make money to live.
The cute part just happens.
Don't you understand?
I'm trying, Woody.
There are some gifts
you can't put in a box
or hold in your hand.
Kelly, the song was my gift.
Oh, I get it, the
song is a riddle, right?
And if I can figure it out
it'll tell me where
you've hidden my gift.
I think we're
just too different.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
Really?
Really.
I guess there isn't
anything else to say.
Well, I'm sorry, man.
But what were you
supposed to do?
You know, run out
and empty your savings,
hock everything you own, spend
every penny you ever earned
just to buy her a silly
little piece of jewelry?
Sam, that's a great idea.
No, Woody.
And I always thought
I was the smart one.
( grunting)
How'd it go?
Well, not bad.
If I choose to
accept their offer,
you're looking at the
new vice president
in charge of the
Eastern Seaboard.
She's lying.
I'm the vice president
of the Eastern Seaboard.
Now I am the Eastern Seaboard.
What a view!
( playing note on piano) ♪
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ♪
♪ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... ♪
Hi, Kelly.
Happy birthday.
I thought you never
wanted to see me again.
Oh, that was just a joke.
You know my crazy Dutch humor.
Here.
Oh, Woody, you didn't have to.
Oh, it's a pendant.
It's a little opal
surrounded by sand.
Those are crushed diamonds.
I like it.
Where's the chain?
Well, I'll have that for you in
another 18 easy payments.
Well, let's go get it now.
We'll take my new Lamborghini.
It only has three miles on it.
We can't go get it now.
I don't have any money.
Oh, we can just stop by your
automatic teller on the way.
Kelly, when I say I
don't have any money,
I don't have any money.
Nothing in my shoe,
nothing under my mattress.
Nothing.
You take all the
money in all the world
and get rid of it
and that's how
much money I have.
Wait a minute.
You can't afford this, can you?
That's why you've been so upset.
Now I understand.
It's like when Daddy wanted
to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You know, this is really
sweet, but I can't accept it
if it's going to hurt you.
Thanks, Kelly.
I feel really bad about this.
No, I'm the one.
You see, I just wanted
to give you something
that nobody else could,
and I know I couldn't
compete with your friends
when it came to expensive
stuff, so I tried that dorky song.
It was pretty.
The tune or the words?
The words especially.
Good, 'cause I sort
of ripped off the tune.
I liked it.
Well, gee, there is one other
thing I wanted to give you,
and maybe it's even
better than the song.
No one else in the world has it.
What's that?
Just...
I love you.
You're not going to say
"where's my gift," are you?
Oh, Woody, you make
me feel so ashamed.
Your gift makes all those
others seem so cheap.
Look, Kelly, you're the
best girl in the whole world.
And to think that
for your birthday
I was going to
get you a Porsche.
Talk about shallow.
All you really need is to hear
me say that I love you, too.
Woody?
Woody?
I'm sorry, did you say
something after Porsche?