Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 17 - Hot Rocks - full transcript
Sam and Rebecca each have a date to attend the same black tie event at the USS Constitution, and both are stood up. Sam suggests that they go together, but Rebecca would rather do anything else than go on a date with Sam. Sam goes alone and after the event brings back to the bar Admiral William J. Crowe Jr., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The admiral has a good time at the bar, as does everyone there hearing his stories. After he leaves, Rebecca is in a panic when her $32,000 borrowed diamond earrings that she had left in a tumbler in a her office go missing. She thinks the admiral has stolen them as he was the only person alone in her office during the evening. These are treasonous words in the mind of patriotic American, Cliff. As she turns everything upside down in her office in search of the earrings, Rebecca says she will do anything to get the earrings back, and yes, that anything includes sleeping with Sam. Carla suggests to Sam that they recreate the scene of the supposed crime. In doing so, Sam and Rebecca come to a new understanding about their relationship, but an understanding that Rebecca would rather not divulge to Sam.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Refill, Mr. P.?
Yeah. ( knuckles crack)
Eww! Knuckle cracking.
I hate that sound.
And you hurt your fingers.
CLIFF: Woodrow,
knuckle cracking is
relatively harmless.
Actually,
when you crack your knuckles,
what you're doing is really,
uh, breaking a sound barrier.
Yeah, what you hear is actually
a tiny finger-sized sonic boom.
Well, Cliff,
you're partly right.
Really? Which part?
The phenomenon of knuckle
cracking is relatively harmless.
But in fact, the
sound you're hearing
is not a cracking at all,
but rather a popping
of tiny gas bubbles
imploding in the sinovial fluid
of the metacarpal
phalangeal joint.
Makes sense.
NORM: Yeah, but
knuckle-cracking doesn't
make a popping sound.
A popping sound
is more like this.
( popping sound)
Oh, God, I could never do that.
You know what else
I could never do?
I could never whistle
with my fingers.
Carla can do that great.
Hey, Carla, show Woody
how you whistle
with two fingers.
Sure.
First, you have to
crack your knuckles.
( cracking sound)
Ooh, sinovial fluid imploding!
I hate that sound!
You'll hurt your
metacarpal phalangeal joint.
( piano plays)
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Carla,
can you help me with
this zipper, please?
Sure, boss.
You know, when you
first walked in in this dress,
you were like the closest
thing to Cher I've ever seen.
Really?
Yeah, you looked
just like Sonny Bono.
Carla, I don't have time
to trade insults with you.
Oh, that's okay.
You can still keep mine.
There you go.
Now, be careful when you unzip.
I think I snagged about
a dozen little back hairs.
Thank you, Carla.
Big date, Rebecca, huh?
Who's the lucky fella?
Somebody I met at a party.
A rich doctor... cardiologist.
Leader in his field.
You guys couldn't wipe his nose.
That shoots my
plans for the evening.
Where, uh, where's
he taking you?
Only the society
event of the season,
celebrating the anniversary
of the launching
of Old Ironsides.
Wow, can you get
Raymond Burr's autograph?
Woody, this is Old
Ironsides, the ship.
The USS Constitution.
I know; I was reading
about it in the paper.
Raymond Burr's gonna be there.
( gasping): Oh, God,
I'm gonna be late.
Have him make it out to
Woody, and make sure he signs it,
Perry Mason, Ironsides,
and that guy who cut up
his wife in Rear Window.
Can you help me
with these, please?
Wow, nice earrings.
Thank you.
No, I meant Carla's.
They look like
real little bananas.
Oh, thanks.
Although, yours are
actually pretty nice, too.
Thank you. Are they real?
Yes, they're genuine diamonds.
No, I mean are they
real little bananas.
Evening, folks.
( wolf whistle)
Thank you, Woody.
Yeah, Carla just taught me that.
You were right, Carla.
All I needed was a little
more slobber on my fingers.
Sammy, all decked out, huh?
Yeah, my date's gonna pick
me up in a couple of minutes.
We're going to go
over to that shindig
they're throwing at
the USS Constitution.
Oh, Sammy, how'd you wrangle
a ticket to that sea-going soiree?
Well, you know... the
event's going to be televised.
So they wanted
to fill the audience
with, a lot of, you know,
big, local celebrities.
Yeah, one of them has
to go to the bathroom,
you rush down
and fill in the seat.
Yeah.
You know, I happen to be
going to that exact same event.
Perhaps when I get up
to go to the powder room,
you can grab my seat.
Heck, turn around.
I'll do it right now.
Come on, Rebecca. Fess up.
We know you're
just a seat filler.
I am not!
I told you I was going
with a cardiologist.
A very good-looking
cardiologist.
Oh, yeah? As good-looking
as Sammy here?
Please, he's better-looking.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my date's so good-looking
that when the two of
us walk down the street,
people actually look at her.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my date has saved many,
many lives, and has two homes.
Yeah? Well, my date's
a high-fashion model
and she's known
on two continents.
Oh, yeah? Which two, Sam?
America and Brazil.
( phone ringing)
Hello, Cheers.
Oh, hi, Jeff.
Oh, gee, that's disappointing.
No, it's no bother,
I don't mind.
Okay, bye.
SAM: Oh, dear.
Sounds like some heart
specialist decided to stay home
and wash his hair tonight.
He did not.
He has an emergency bypass.
Yeah, he had to bypass you.
I'm telling you the truth.
Boy, you know, it's so pathetic
when you're all dolled up
and no place to go, isn't it?
Oh, Sam, that reminds me.
Jacqueline called.
She can't make it tonight.
You're right, Sam.
That is pathetic.
But I'm sure your date
didn't have any lousy excuse
like heart surgery.
As a matter of
fact, she's very sick.
Sick of you.
( both screaming)
REBECCA: Well, you have
a good time tonight, Sam.
Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Listen.
Here we are,
both dolled up, looking
like a million bucks.
What do you say
the two of us storm
the old USS Constitution
together, huh?
I don't think so.
Oh, are you so depressed
about being stood up?
No.
I just don't want
to go with you.
Wait a minute.
You spent all day
getting dressed up
and you're trying to tell me
that you'd rather
stay in this bar
than go out with me?
No, Sam,
I am trying to tell you
that I would rather
remove my own gall bladder
with an oyster fork
than go out with you.
Why do you say
these things to me?
I mean, how come I
turn you off so much?
I don't know.
It's just one of those things
you have to take on faith.
It's kind of like I don't know
that the refrigerator
light goes off
for sure when I close the door.
Well, obviously you never
tried closing it from the inside.
Hey, everybody.
Guess who I brought
back with me?
Sam, how'd you do it?
The doorman at the Ritz Carlton.
CLIFF: Good Lord,
that's Admiral
William J. Crowe, Jr.
Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, himself.
WOODY: Now wait a minute.
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff
is a doorman at
the Ritz Carlton?
No wonder they charge
you so much over there.
Woody, this really
is the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He was at the same dinner I was.
The Navy can't afford to pay
the salary of a doorman, Woody.
You know that.
He recognized me from
my ball-playing days.
Nobody gives up tearing
home runs like Sam Malone.
Thanks.
I wish our missiles
flew as high and as far.
Admiral William J. Crow, Jr.,
promoted to Admiral in 1974.
In 1983 commanded
U.S. Pacific Command.
In 1985, appointed 11th
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Wife, Shirley.
I'm impressed, young man.
How come you know
so much about me?
Simple, sir. I'm an American.
Clifford Clavin, U.S.
Postal Service, sir.
Nice to know you, Mr. Clavin.
Us guys in uniform
got to stick together.
Yes, sir.
Were you ever in the Navy?
No, sir, I wanted to be
but the old asthma started
kicking up, you know.
So, uh, so I joined the
U.S. Postal Service instead.
I figured if I couldn't serve
I should at least
deliver the draft notices
to those who could.
Admiral, hi.
Hi.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
It is truly an honor to have you
in our bar.
It's an honor for me as well.
Is there anything I can
do for you? Anything at all?
Well, for starters, you might
go out with Sam Malone.
I hate to see a man
in constant pain.
Maybe you could ask me
to do something more enjoyable.
Like, say, a commando
mission in Libya?
I tried, Sam.
Hey, Ad, park it.
I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.
Hello, Carla.
I was wondering if I
could ask you a favor.
Sure.
If you're ever on
the USS Lexington,
could you find out why
nobody has ever called
or dropped a note
or sent a card?
That must be a hell of a ship.
I've had better.
Oh, well, well, well.
What do we have here?
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Mm-hmm.
Hello there, sir.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hello, Doctor.
This is my number.
I have treated Napoleon,
Teddy Roosevelt,
and I know I could help you.
Doctor, I really am the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Aye, aye, Admiral.
But I'll keep your card.
I know a lot of people
in the Pentagon
that could use your services.
Hey, Admiral, thanks.
These are great hats.
Hats don't win wars; ideas do.
Now sir, here's what separates
my submarine concept
from everybody else's.
You see, mine's got wheels.
Uh, I understand, Cliff.
It's getting late.
Sam, thanks for the
autographed baseball.
Oh, yeah, listen.
If the President
wants one of those,
he knows where to get me.
I'm sure you'll be
hearing from him.
Norm...
Later.
Uh, sir, these
plans I've drawn up
for the new assault vehicle,
where should I send them?
Just send them to
the Pentagon, Cliff.
Yes, sir.
Sir, I'm a little bit
worried about that, though.
If I send them to the Pentagon,
they might get lost.
Very definitely send
them to the Pentagon.
Yes, sir.
Am I lucky or what?
One of the most famous
people in the country
comes into my bar,
and I am dressed for it.
By the way, Rebecca,
when are you going
to take that thing off?
Oh, I might just dress
this way all the time.
It makes me feel all at once
desirable and businesslike.
You got a point.
About a half dozen guys
asked me how much you charge.
By the way, if anyone
says "Carla sent me,"
you owe me five bucks.
Carla, I'm just about
to have a break.
You think you can teach me
to make raspberry
sounds with my armpit?
No, no, I've got
to be wearing a tank
top to get the full effect.
But you know, I
can teach you how
to make blue
sparks in your mouth
with a Lifesaver candy.
They're gone!
Who's gone?
My diamond
earrings. They're gone.
Calm down. Where'd you put them?
I had them in a tumbler,
and I put it on my desk,
and nobody was in there but me.
And my door was
locked the whole time
and I was the only
one that was in there.
No, no, the Admiral went
in there to use the phone.
You're right.
He was in there alone.
Oh, Lord.
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff
of the United States of America,
stole my earrings!
Oh! I just don't believe this!
And he seemed like
such a nice Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Rebecca Howe, this
smacks of treason.
I've got a good mind
to place you under arrest.
Cliff, if you had a good mind,
you would still be stupid.
SAM: Hey, come on.
Why would anyone
who has a super job,
makes a great living,
and can shop at
any PX in the world,
want to steal your earrings?
You saw them.
They were gorgeous.
CLIFF: All right, that's it.
Rebecca Howe, I would like
your social security number.
Oh, Cliff, shut up.
NORM: All right, wait, wait.
Maybe he did take them.
Oh, great. Seditionists
everywhere.
No, no. Maybe the guy had
an anniversary coming up,
and he didn't have time to
shop because he's too damn busy
running the military.
No, no. That doesn't wash, Norm.
His anniversary
was February 14th.
All right, Cliff. All right.
Maybe this, okay?
Maybe he wears them himself.
Yeah, right. He wears earrings
and I wear women's lingerie.
Carla, you were right.
REBECCA: I don't care
why he did it.
The fact is that my
earrings are gone,
and the admiral took them.
Oh, come on.
This is silly.
Let's just go in
your office here
and look for them.
I have looked for them.
I told you, they're
not in there!
I'm calling the police.
Oh, don't do that.
Well, now that we're
through being interrupted,
let's get down to
real serious matters.
Carla, you can't
make blue sparks
come out of your
mouth with a Lifesaver.
Well, not just any Lifesaver.
A magic Wint-o-green Lifesaver.
Oh, now, Carla, don't
prey on their gullibility.
There's nothing
magical about it.
It's just a simple
chemical reaction.
When you crunch
down on a Lifesaver,
electrons strike
nitrogen molecules,
which causes the latter
to emit an invisible
ultraviolet radiation
which, when absorbed
by the methyl salicilate
in the Wintergreen flavoring,
produces a flash of blue light.
Makes sense.
I find that when you say that
to Dr. Crane, he stops talking.
See? They're not here.
I told you, they are no here!
Calm down. Will you
calm down, please?
I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm!
What's the number for 911?
You are not going
to call the police.
Sam, I have told you to remove
your hand from many a location,
but I have never been
more serious than now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on. Back off here.
They're earrings.
You'll buy another pair.
Oh, yeah. Right!
What are you going to do?
Spot me $32,000?
American money?
I didn't exactly
buy those earrings.
I told the man at
Shreve, Crump & Lowe
that I just wanted
to take them out for the evening
to make sure that I
really, really wanted them.
I don't think that dress
is meant to do that.
And then I was going to just
wear them tonight,
and look really
beautiful, you know?
Then I was going to take
them back in the morning.
But... God. Shreve is
holding all my credit cards,
the pink slip to my Mercedes,
and my mom and
dad's phone number.
Uh-oh. Good chance you
could be sent to your room
for five to 15 years.
You know, you're
really not helping.
Just get out of here.
God! I would do anything
to get those earrings back.
Yes, Sam, I am
exactly that desperate.
I don't care what it takes.
Go to the admiral's hotel room,
sneak in there and
steal those earrings.
Just get them back for
me and, yes, Lord help me,
I will go to bed with you.
I'm going to turn this
joint upside down.
Starting with you. Sam!
All right, all right, all right.
Ending with you.
I saw it!
Blue sparks in Carla's mouth!
Hey, guys. Listen, fellas.
Am I interrupting anything?
Just science making
another leap forward.
Fellas, listen. All right,
come here. Listen.
Come here. Listen. I
need your help here now.
I want to get my hands
on Rebecca's jewels
but, first, I've got
to find her earrings.
All right, Sammy,
we're here for you.
All right. Now, I guess we could
buy her another pair,
but that would set us
back about 32 grand.
Not here for you,
Sam. Left an hour ago.
All right, all right.
Now, there's got to be...
See, I figure that she probably
just put them down
someplace for safekeeping,
and then forgot
where she put them.
I got to just find a way to,
you know, jog her memory.
I... I know what we
should do. What?
I saw this in a movie once.
We gather the suspects
all together in one room.
Right. And then you
recreate the crime
so that you can work backwards
and find out what happened.
Yeah. Let's go.
Hey, Sammy, uh...
since I'm the only
one here in uniform,
I suggest I play Admiral Crowe.
Well, if you're Admiral Crowe,
who's going to be Mr. Clavin?
Aw, any of you
yutzes can handle that.
( Sam clears his throat)
What are you all doing in here?
Well, Cliff here has agreed
to portray Admiral
Crowe so we can
recreate the alleged crime
so we can figure
out what happened.
And what about you two guys?
We're witnesses.
Yeah, we're pretty much
just gonna hang
around and... and watch.
That's a stretch.
SAM: Okay, uh...
Admiral Crowe came in
and asked to use the phone.
What did he say?
"May I use the phone?"
Excuse me, Rebecca.
That's my line.
Then what?
And I said, "Sure," and
he said, "Thank you.
Huh. Look who thinks
she's Admiral Crowe.
All right.
Now, he came in
here, he was alone.
Was he carrying anything?
Uh... I think he was
carrying a glass of water.
I see.
And did he put this
glass of water down?
I think so.
Next to, perhaps, this glass?
Ooh!
I see what you're
getting at, Sam.
You think that he
picked up the other glass
with the earrings
in it and took it out.
Yeah, right. Absolutely.
Guys, we're out of here.
Hey, I didn't get to
portray Admiral Crowe.
Uh... all right. Uh...
Rebecca, as a favor for Cliff,
what was the last words
the Admiral said? Anything?
Yes. Before he left, he said,
"I want to get out of
this bar as fast as I can
before I run into
that stupid mailman."
He stole them, all right.
Wait.
You were supposed
to help me find my
earrings. Come on!
Yeah. Look what I found
in this dirty old glass.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! You are such an angel!
Oh, how can I ever thank you?
I think the how has
already been established.
We're up to where and how often.
Well... a promise is a promise.
Come on. I hate that.
I hate it when you do that.
Come on. What...
what's wrong with you?
Why... why don't you want me?
What's the problem?
You know, Sam, I really...
I just don't know
why I don't want you.
Well, think, damn it!
I think it's just one
of those things that,
when you first meet a guy,
you put him in one of three
categories... yes, no or maybe.
From the second I saw you,
I threw you right in
that "no" category,
and that's where
you've stayed ever since.
I mean, when Sam
Malone walks into a room,
I say "no" and
go on with my life.
Every single time?
No. There was this one time,
when you were way
down at the end of the hall,
and I could just see this
tiny little piece of your elbow,
and I didn't know
for sure if it was you.
And I thought to myself, hmm.
And then you came
around the corner,
and I thought, "God, no!"
"God, no" is a lot worse
than just no, isn't it?
Sam, wait. I want to
ask you something.
And I want an answer to this.
Why do you care?
Why do you want me?
I... I have never
given you any reason.
I've never come on to you.
Why do you keep hitting on me?
Uh... I don't know. I...
I guess that I...
when I meet women,
I put them into one
of three categories.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I put them into one category.
Boy, I guess I
shouldn't do that.
I mean, that's not
really fair to you.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
I know that wasn't
easy for you to say.
I haven't been
real fair myself.
I mean, I haven't really
given you a chance.
Don't worry about it.
I mean... Gee, I
wish we could just
start all over again, you know?
Just wipe all this
junk out of the way.
I like that idea.
Yeah, I mean,
it's, like, if I could
see you for the first time,
I'd look over there and I'd...
well, I'd see a beautiful woman.
Thank you.
And I'd see you, and I'd
see a real good-looking guy.
With... with nice hair.
Right.
Say it.
With nice hair.
Thank you.
And broad shoulders and...
a pleasant smile.
Nice hair again.
Aw, see, you're...
you're patronizing me.
No, I'm not. I am
not patronizing you.
We said we were
going to be honest.
I think you're
an attractive guy.
I think you're cute
enough to kiss.
I mean, if I didn't know you.
Yeah, yeah... if
you didn't know me.
All right, what?
You want me to prove it to you
that I think you're cute?
All right, fine.
I will prove it to you.
I will dispel the myth
that you turn my stomach.
I will give you a little kiss.
Here.
There.
Now, what category am I in?
Yes?
No?
Oh, geez.
Why do I even bother with you?
Ooh! A definite maybe.
I heard that.
You said maybe!
You said maybe!
Rebecca thinks I'm a maybe!
I did not say that!
I said that you kiss
like my Uncle Abey!
No, no, no.
I said that I think
you gave me rabies!
a live studio audience.
Refill, Mr. P.?
Yeah. ( knuckles crack)
Eww! Knuckle cracking.
I hate that sound.
And you hurt your fingers.
CLIFF: Woodrow,
knuckle cracking is
relatively harmless.
Actually,
when you crack your knuckles,
what you're doing is really,
uh, breaking a sound barrier.
Yeah, what you hear is actually
a tiny finger-sized sonic boom.
Well, Cliff,
you're partly right.
Really? Which part?
The phenomenon of knuckle
cracking is relatively harmless.
But in fact, the
sound you're hearing
is not a cracking at all,
but rather a popping
of tiny gas bubbles
imploding in the sinovial fluid
of the metacarpal
phalangeal joint.
Makes sense.
NORM: Yeah, but
knuckle-cracking doesn't
make a popping sound.
A popping sound
is more like this.
( popping sound)
Oh, God, I could never do that.
You know what else
I could never do?
I could never whistle
with my fingers.
Carla can do that great.
Hey, Carla, show Woody
how you whistle
with two fingers.
Sure.
First, you have to
crack your knuckles.
( cracking sound)
Ooh, sinovial fluid imploding!
I hate that sound!
You'll hurt your
metacarpal phalangeal joint.
( piano plays)
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Carla,
can you help me with
this zipper, please?
Sure, boss.
You know, when you
first walked in in this dress,
you were like the closest
thing to Cher I've ever seen.
Really?
Yeah, you looked
just like Sonny Bono.
Carla, I don't have time
to trade insults with you.
Oh, that's okay.
You can still keep mine.
There you go.
Now, be careful when you unzip.
I think I snagged about
a dozen little back hairs.
Thank you, Carla.
Big date, Rebecca, huh?
Who's the lucky fella?
Somebody I met at a party.
A rich doctor... cardiologist.
Leader in his field.
You guys couldn't wipe his nose.
That shoots my
plans for the evening.
Where, uh, where's
he taking you?
Only the society
event of the season,
celebrating the anniversary
of the launching
of Old Ironsides.
Wow, can you get
Raymond Burr's autograph?
Woody, this is Old
Ironsides, the ship.
The USS Constitution.
I know; I was reading
about it in the paper.
Raymond Burr's gonna be there.
( gasping): Oh, God,
I'm gonna be late.
Have him make it out to
Woody, and make sure he signs it,
Perry Mason, Ironsides,
and that guy who cut up
his wife in Rear Window.
Can you help me
with these, please?
Wow, nice earrings.
Thank you.
No, I meant Carla's.
They look like
real little bananas.
Oh, thanks.
Although, yours are
actually pretty nice, too.
Thank you. Are they real?
Yes, they're genuine diamonds.
No, I mean are they
real little bananas.
Evening, folks.
( wolf whistle)
Thank you, Woody.
Yeah, Carla just taught me that.
You were right, Carla.
All I needed was a little
more slobber on my fingers.
Sammy, all decked out, huh?
Yeah, my date's gonna pick
me up in a couple of minutes.
We're going to go
over to that shindig
they're throwing at
the USS Constitution.
Oh, Sammy, how'd you wrangle
a ticket to that sea-going soiree?
Well, you know... the
event's going to be televised.
So they wanted
to fill the audience
with, a lot of, you know,
big, local celebrities.
Yeah, one of them has
to go to the bathroom,
you rush down
and fill in the seat.
Yeah.
You know, I happen to be
going to that exact same event.
Perhaps when I get up
to go to the powder room,
you can grab my seat.
Heck, turn around.
I'll do it right now.
Come on, Rebecca. Fess up.
We know you're
just a seat filler.
I am not!
I told you I was going
with a cardiologist.
A very good-looking
cardiologist.
Oh, yeah? As good-looking
as Sammy here?
Please, he's better-looking.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my date's so good-looking
that when the two of
us walk down the street,
people actually look at her.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my date has saved many,
many lives, and has two homes.
Yeah? Well, my date's
a high-fashion model
and she's known
on two continents.
Oh, yeah? Which two, Sam?
America and Brazil.
( phone ringing)
Hello, Cheers.
Oh, hi, Jeff.
Oh, gee, that's disappointing.
No, it's no bother,
I don't mind.
Okay, bye.
SAM: Oh, dear.
Sounds like some heart
specialist decided to stay home
and wash his hair tonight.
He did not.
He has an emergency bypass.
Yeah, he had to bypass you.
I'm telling you the truth.
Boy, you know, it's so pathetic
when you're all dolled up
and no place to go, isn't it?
Oh, Sam, that reminds me.
Jacqueline called.
She can't make it tonight.
You're right, Sam.
That is pathetic.
But I'm sure your date
didn't have any lousy excuse
like heart surgery.
As a matter of
fact, she's very sick.
Sick of you.
( both screaming)
REBECCA: Well, you have
a good time tonight, Sam.
Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Listen.
Here we are,
both dolled up, looking
like a million bucks.
What do you say
the two of us storm
the old USS Constitution
together, huh?
I don't think so.
Oh, are you so depressed
about being stood up?
No.
I just don't want
to go with you.
Wait a minute.
You spent all day
getting dressed up
and you're trying to tell me
that you'd rather
stay in this bar
than go out with me?
No, Sam,
I am trying to tell you
that I would rather
remove my own gall bladder
with an oyster fork
than go out with you.
Why do you say
these things to me?
I mean, how come I
turn you off so much?
I don't know.
It's just one of those things
you have to take on faith.
It's kind of like I don't know
that the refrigerator
light goes off
for sure when I close the door.
Well, obviously you never
tried closing it from the inside.
Hey, everybody.
Guess who I brought
back with me?
Sam, how'd you do it?
The doorman at the Ritz Carlton.
CLIFF: Good Lord,
that's Admiral
William J. Crowe, Jr.
Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, himself.
WOODY: Now wait a minute.
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff
is a doorman at
the Ritz Carlton?
No wonder they charge
you so much over there.
Woody, this really
is the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He was at the same dinner I was.
The Navy can't afford to pay
the salary of a doorman, Woody.
You know that.
He recognized me from
my ball-playing days.
Nobody gives up tearing
home runs like Sam Malone.
Thanks.
I wish our missiles
flew as high and as far.
Admiral William J. Crow, Jr.,
promoted to Admiral in 1974.
In 1983 commanded
U.S. Pacific Command.
In 1985, appointed 11th
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Wife, Shirley.
I'm impressed, young man.
How come you know
so much about me?
Simple, sir. I'm an American.
Clifford Clavin, U.S.
Postal Service, sir.
Nice to know you, Mr. Clavin.
Us guys in uniform
got to stick together.
Yes, sir.
Were you ever in the Navy?
No, sir, I wanted to be
but the old asthma started
kicking up, you know.
So, uh, so I joined the
U.S. Postal Service instead.
I figured if I couldn't serve
I should at least
deliver the draft notices
to those who could.
Admiral, hi.
Hi.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
It is truly an honor to have you
in our bar.
It's an honor for me as well.
Is there anything I can
do for you? Anything at all?
Well, for starters, you might
go out with Sam Malone.
I hate to see a man
in constant pain.
Maybe you could ask me
to do something more enjoyable.
Like, say, a commando
mission in Libya?
I tried, Sam.
Hey, Ad, park it.
I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.
Hello, Carla.
I was wondering if I
could ask you a favor.
Sure.
If you're ever on
the USS Lexington,
could you find out why
nobody has ever called
or dropped a note
or sent a card?
That must be a hell of a ship.
I've had better.
Oh, well, well, well.
What do we have here?
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Mm-hmm.
Hello there, sir.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hello, Doctor.
This is my number.
I have treated Napoleon,
Teddy Roosevelt,
and I know I could help you.
Doctor, I really am the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Aye, aye, Admiral.
But I'll keep your card.
I know a lot of people
in the Pentagon
that could use your services.
Hey, Admiral, thanks.
These are great hats.
Hats don't win wars; ideas do.
Now sir, here's what separates
my submarine concept
from everybody else's.
You see, mine's got wheels.
Uh, I understand, Cliff.
It's getting late.
Sam, thanks for the
autographed baseball.
Oh, yeah, listen.
If the President
wants one of those,
he knows where to get me.
I'm sure you'll be
hearing from him.
Norm...
Later.
Uh, sir, these
plans I've drawn up
for the new assault vehicle,
where should I send them?
Just send them to
the Pentagon, Cliff.
Yes, sir.
Sir, I'm a little bit
worried about that, though.
If I send them to the Pentagon,
they might get lost.
Very definitely send
them to the Pentagon.
Yes, sir.
Am I lucky or what?
One of the most famous
people in the country
comes into my bar,
and I am dressed for it.
By the way, Rebecca,
when are you going
to take that thing off?
Oh, I might just dress
this way all the time.
It makes me feel all at once
desirable and businesslike.
You got a point.
About a half dozen guys
asked me how much you charge.
By the way, if anyone
says "Carla sent me,"
you owe me five bucks.
Carla, I'm just about
to have a break.
You think you can teach me
to make raspberry
sounds with my armpit?
No, no, I've got
to be wearing a tank
top to get the full effect.
But you know, I
can teach you how
to make blue
sparks in your mouth
with a Lifesaver candy.
They're gone!
Who's gone?
My diamond
earrings. They're gone.
Calm down. Where'd you put them?
I had them in a tumbler,
and I put it on my desk,
and nobody was in there but me.
And my door was
locked the whole time
and I was the only
one that was in there.
No, no, the Admiral went
in there to use the phone.
You're right.
He was in there alone.
Oh, Lord.
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff
of the United States of America,
stole my earrings!
Oh! I just don't believe this!
And he seemed like
such a nice Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Rebecca Howe, this
smacks of treason.
I've got a good mind
to place you under arrest.
Cliff, if you had a good mind,
you would still be stupid.
SAM: Hey, come on.
Why would anyone
who has a super job,
makes a great living,
and can shop at
any PX in the world,
want to steal your earrings?
You saw them.
They were gorgeous.
CLIFF: All right, that's it.
Rebecca Howe, I would like
your social security number.
Oh, Cliff, shut up.
NORM: All right, wait, wait.
Maybe he did take them.
Oh, great. Seditionists
everywhere.
No, no. Maybe the guy had
an anniversary coming up,
and he didn't have time to
shop because he's too damn busy
running the military.
No, no. That doesn't wash, Norm.
His anniversary
was February 14th.
All right, Cliff. All right.
Maybe this, okay?
Maybe he wears them himself.
Yeah, right. He wears earrings
and I wear women's lingerie.
Carla, you were right.
REBECCA: I don't care
why he did it.
The fact is that my
earrings are gone,
and the admiral took them.
Oh, come on.
This is silly.
Let's just go in
your office here
and look for them.
I have looked for them.
I told you, they're
not in there!
I'm calling the police.
Oh, don't do that.
Well, now that we're
through being interrupted,
let's get down to
real serious matters.
Carla, you can't
make blue sparks
come out of your
mouth with a Lifesaver.
Well, not just any Lifesaver.
A magic Wint-o-green Lifesaver.
Oh, now, Carla, don't
prey on their gullibility.
There's nothing
magical about it.
It's just a simple
chemical reaction.
When you crunch
down on a Lifesaver,
electrons strike
nitrogen molecules,
which causes the latter
to emit an invisible
ultraviolet radiation
which, when absorbed
by the methyl salicilate
in the Wintergreen flavoring,
produces a flash of blue light.
Makes sense.
I find that when you say that
to Dr. Crane, he stops talking.
See? They're not here.
I told you, they are no here!
Calm down. Will you
calm down, please?
I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm!
What's the number for 911?
You are not going
to call the police.
Sam, I have told you to remove
your hand from many a location,
but I have never been
more serious than now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on. Back off here.
They're earrings.
You'll buy another pair.
Oh, yeah. Right!
What are you going to do?
Spot me $32,000?
American money?
I didn't exactly
buy those earrings.
I told the man at
Shreve, Crump & Lowe
that I just wanted
to take them out for the evening
to make sure that I
really, really wanted them.
I don't think that dress
is meant to do that.
And then I was going to just
wear them tonight,
and look really
beautiful, you know?
Then I was going to take
them back in the morning.
But... God. Shreve is
holding all my credit cards,
the pink slip to my Mercedes,
and my mom and
dad's phone number.
Uh-oh. Good chance you
could be sent to your room
for five to 15 years.
You know, you're
really not helping.
Just get out of here.
God! I would do anything
to get those earrings back.
Yes, Sam, I am
exactly that desperate.
I don't care what it takes.
Go to the admiral's hotel room,
sneak in there and
steal those earrings.
Just get them back for
me and, yes, Lord help me,
I will go to bed with you.
I'm going to turn this
joint upside down.
Starting with you. Sam!
All right, all right, all right.
Ending with you.
I saw it!
Blue sparks in Carla's mouth!
Hey, guys. Listen, fellas.
Am I interrupting anything?
Just science making
another leap forward.
Fellas, listen. All right,
come here. Listen.
Come here. Listen. I
need your help here now.
I want to get my hands
on Rebecca's jewels
but, first, I've got
to find her earrings.
All right, Sammy,
we're here for you.
All right. Now, I guess we could
buy her another pair,
but that would set us
back about 32 grand.
Not here for you,
Sam. Left an hour ago.
All right, all right.
Now, there's got to be...
See, I figure that she probably
just put them down
someplace for safekeeping,
and then forgot
where she put them.
I got to just find a way to,
you know, jog her memory.
I... I know what we
should do. What?
I saw this in a movie once.
We gather the suspects
all together in one room.
Right. And then you
recreate the crime
so that you can work backwards
and find out what happened.
Yeah. Let's go.
Hey, Sammy, uh...
since I'm the only
one here in uniform,
I suggest I play Admiral Crowe.
Well, if you're Admiral Crowe,
who's going to be Mr. Clavin?
Aw, any of you
yutzes can handle that.
( Sam clears his throat)
What are you all doing in here?
Well, Cliff here has agreed
to portray Admiral
Crowe so we can
recreate the alleged crime
so we can figure
out what happened.
And what about you two guys?
We're witnesses.
Yeah, we're pretty much
just gonna hang
around and... and watch.
That's a stretch.
SAM: Okay, uh...
Admiral Crowe came in
and asked to use the phone.
What did he say?
"May I use the phone?"
Excuse me, Rebecca.
That's my line.
Then what?
And I said, "Sure," and
he said, "Thank you.
Huh. Look who thinks
she's Admiral Crowe.
All right.
Now, he came in
here, he was alone.
Was he carrying anything?
Uh... I think he was
carrying a glass of water.
I see.
And did he put this
glass of water down?
I think so.
Next to, perhaps, this glass?
Ooh!
I see what you're
getting at, Sam.
You think that he
picked up the other glass
with the earrings
in it and took it out.
Yeah, right. Absolutely.
Guys, we're out of here.
Hey, I didn't get to
portray Admiral Crowe.
Uh... all right. Uh...
Rebecca, as a favor for Cliff,
what was the last words
the Admiral said? Anything?
Yes. Before he left, he said,
"I want to get out of
this bar as fast as I can
before I run into
that stupid mailman."
He stole them, all right.
Wait.
You were supposed
to help me find my
earrings. Come on!
Yeah. Look what I found
in this dirty old glass.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! You are such an angel!
Oh, how can I ever thank you?
I think the how has
already been established.
We're up to where and how often.
Well... a promise is a promise.
Come on. I hate that.
I hate it when you do that.
Come on. What...
what's wrong with you?
Why... why don't you want me?
What's the problem?
You know, Sam, I really...
I just don't know
why I don't want you.
Well, think, damn it!
I think it's just one
of those things that,
when you first meet a guy,
you put him in one of three
categories... yes, no or maybe.
From the second I saw you,
I threw you right in
that "no" category,
and that's where
you've stayed ever since.
I mean, when Sam
Malone walks into a room,
I say "no" and
go on with my life.
Every single time?
No. There was this one time,
when you were way
down at the end of the hall,
and I could just see this
tiny little piece of your elbow,
and I didn't know
for sure if it was you.
And I thought to myself, hmm.
And then you came
around the corner,
and I thought, "God, no!"
"God, no" is a lot worse
than just no, isn't it?
Sam, wait. I want to
ask you something.
And I want an answer to this.
Why do you care?
Why do you want me?
I... I have never
given you any reason.
I've never come on to you.
Why do you keep hitting on me?
Uh... I don't know. I...
I guess that I...
when I meet women,
I put them into one
of three categories.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I put them into one category.
Boy, I guess I
shouldn't do that.
I mean, that's not
really fair to you.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
I know that wasn't
easy for you to say.
I haven't been
real fair myself.
I mean, I haven't really
given you a chance.
Don't worry about it.
I mean... Gee, I
wish we could just
start all over again, you know?
Just wipe all this
junk out of the way.
I like that idea.
Yeah, I mean,
it's, like, if I could
see you for the first time,
I'd look over there and I'd...
well, I'd see a beautiful woman.
Thank you.
And I'd see you, and I'd
see a real good-looking guy.
With... with nice hair.
Right.
Say it.
With nice hair.
Thank you.
And broad shoulders and...
a pleasant smile.
Nice hair again.
Aw, see, you're...
you're patronizing me.
No, I'm not. I am
not patronizing you.
We said we were
going to be honest.
I think you're
an attractive guy.
I think you're cute
enough to kiss.
I mean, if I didn't know you.
Yeah, yeah... if
you didn't know me.
All right, what?
You want me to prove it to you
that I think you're cute?
All right, fine.
I will prove it to you.
I will dispel the myth
that you turn my stomach.
I will give you a little kiss.
Here.
There.
Now, what category am I in?
Yes?
No?
Oh, geez.
Why do I even bother with you?
Ooh! A definite maybe.
I heard that.
You said maybe!
You said maybe!
Rebecca thinks I'm a maybe!
I did not say that!
I said that you kiss
like my Uncle Abey!
No, no, no.
I said that I think
you gave me rabies!