Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 16 - The Cranemakers - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Excuse me.

Does a Carla Tortelli LeBec
née Lozupone work here?

You're talking to her.

What's it to you?

My name is Whitley Morris.

I represent the estate

of your late grandfather,
Antonio Lozupone.

No doubt you know that Antonio

deserted your
grandmother in 1921.

What you may not know is



that he hopped a freight
to Los Angeles that year,

taking with him only
his lucky quarter.

He worked packing fruit
until he raised enough capital

to open his own business
selling candied peaches.

With the profits from
this he invested in oil,

and through judicious
management of his funds,

amassed a fortune well
in excess of $20 million.

Miss?

Can I order a beer?

What do I look like, a waitress?

Go on, go on.

On his death bed,
Antonio felt remorse

for the family he
left behind in Boston,

and he made out a will
leaving his entire fortune



to the surviving Lozupones,
of which you are one.

Yeah, yeah?

Unfortunately, this
was not discovered

until the death last month

of Antonio's unscrupulous
illegitimate son Paolo,

who suppressed the
will and in ten short years,

squandered the entire fortune
on fast horses and loose women.

What does that leave me?

Grandfather
Lozupone's lucky quarter.

Congratulations.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Woody.

Yes, Miss Howe?

I just got my butt chewed
out on your account.

Must have been
a real light eater.

My boss was going through
the personnel records

and he found an
alarming discrepancy.

Okay, I confess.

I was $3.47 short
on the receipts

last October, so I put
money in from my own pocket.

I always knew it
would catch up with me.

You don't have to say
anything, Miss Howe.

I'll get my things
and leave quietly.

Woody, I'm not
talking about that.

Oh, then never mind.

Woody, the comptroller found out

that you have been working
at Cheers for four years

and you have never
taken one vacation.

That's true.

I have a perfect
attendance record.

Well, you have to take one now.

It's company policy.

Well, I don't like vacations.

I like working here.

I like the people.

Why should I leave?
What's the point?

The point is a happy workplace!

The point is
dealing with stress.

Look at you, Woody.
Can't you see that

you're on the verge of
an emotional burnout?

Gee, I am beginning
to feel a little on edge.

I'm sorry, Woody.

Woody, why don't you
just do this for me, please?

Why don't you go take
a trip and see your folks?

My folks were just here.

Whoa, Woody.

Your parents were in Boston?

Why didn't you bring
them by to meet us?

What, like they got
nothing better to do?

Good point.

I'm going to call the
corporate travel agent

and have her create a
wonderful trip for you, Woody.

You're gonna love it.

If you say so, Miss Howe.

Eh, look, Woody.

Travel is great.

You know, when I left the
country to go see the Expo,

it gave me a whole
new slant on life.

Really? Oh, yeah,

you haven't lived
until you seen Bonanza

dubbed into French Canadian.

Woody, let's go.

So, Fras, where's
Lilith these days?

It's been three or four weeks

since we've seen
old death with hips.

You're not trying to hide
her from us, are you?

No, no, why would I
do a thing like that?

How's she handling
her pregnancy?

Oh, same as any other woman.

Perfectly normal,
nothing unusual.

Well, true, she does experience

the occasional temporary
hormonal imbalance,

but you know Lilith, she's
so repressed emotionally

that only her
husband would notice.

Lay your hands
upon me, everyone.

I am life.

Oh, boy.

I am mother.

My man's seed is
nourished within me.

Touch my breasts, my
friend. I am lactating.

Boy, I tell ya, this is
kind of a first for me, um...

but I'm gonna pass.

Forgive me for
bursting in on you,

but the little bud
couldn't bear to be parted

from his/her daddy
another instant.

Whisper to him/her
through my navel.

Um...

later, after I
finish this drink...

perhaps a few more.

Oh, Carla, sister woman.

Why didn't you
ever share with me

the religious wonder
of this experience

when you were great with child?

I was too busy puking.

A small price to pay for
becoming a fountain of life.

A moist, nourishing acre of loam

from which shall spring
the future of the human race.

Speaking of puking, would
you excuse me for a moment?

I am a cradle of life.

My womb is the Tigris
and the Euphrates.

I am a slender tendril

reaching back to
the primordial ooze.

I'm planning on
having her committed.

Must have been a very
difficult decision for you.

Oddly enough, no.

I don't know what they
did with the birth goo

and I don't want to know.

But the placenta is
the tidal pool of life.

I'm planting mine under
a tree in the backyard,

so my nutrients
can feed its roots.

I shall become
one with the planet.

I shall suckle the Earth itself.

I shall unite with
the universe...

Oh, for God's sake,
woman, get ahold of yourself!

You're having a baby.

Big deal.

A fly is a mother
a thousand times...

You don't see her
making an ass of herself

in front of her
husband's friends.

I beg your pardon.

Well, Lilith, i-it was fine in
the privacy of our own home,

but... I mean, now you're
embarrassing me in front of people

who would like to be my peers.

I'm sorry, Frasier.

I thought you were as
enraptured by this life force

we're creating as I am.

Well, I am, in theory.

Oh, yes, well, that's right.

For the man, it's all theory.

For the mother it's the
deepest, richest, most moving,

all-encompassing love
you'd ever hope to imagine.

But I'll suppress it for you.

Are you happy?

That's my girl.

Lilith, you misunderstood.

I loved it.

Darling?

Angel face?

Pea pod?

He's a dead man.

Yeah, put the tag on
his toe, close the drawer.

Hey, Normie. Lookie here. Yeah?

I was on my route and somebody
gave me a box of chocolates.

You, uh, you want one?

Yeah.

Assortment, huh?

Yeah, I like butter creams,

but, uh, I can never
tell which one's which.

Nope.

This one either.

Hey, Fras.

What's the latest
with Madame Ovary?

Oh, she's fine.

Don't sound too happy about it.

Well, frankly Sam, I'm not.

I feel like hell for what I
said to her the other day.

I've taken the most
beautiful experience of her life

and turned it into
something as pedestrian

as flossing one's teeth.

I wish I could take back
every hateful word I said.

Fras...

Ver...

Nope, nougat.

Anyway...

Vera and I have this little
technique that we use,

that, uh, whenever
we say something

that we regret to each other,

we agree never to talk about it
again and it works like a charm.

Well, Norm, I don't agree.

Once you start to bury your
feelings, you stop talking.

Finally, you don't spend
any time together at all.

Right. Works like a charm.

Do you believe that?

An entire box of chocolates
and not one butter cream.

I hate that.

Woody, your passport came.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Gee, Woody, where you going?

I'm going to Venice,
and then Florence,

and then I've got to
see the Seven Hills

of something or
other... I don't know.

Woody, you're
going to love Italy.

I'll never forget my first trip.

Bunking in youth
hostels, thumbing rides,

this wild fling with
this crazy Italian boy

who never told me his name.

And then one night, getting
ahold of some cheap wine

and getting really plastered

and ripping off
all my clothes...

Changing for choir practice.

I was with my church group.

Seems like you used
to be a lot more fun.

Yeah. When did you lose
this childlike love of life?

And why couldn't
I have known you

back when you were
cheap and slutty?

What's this, Miss Howe?

Oh, they just want
to know who to notify

in case of death or accident.

What do they think is going
to happen to me over there?

They don't think anything
is going to happen, Woody.

Just calm down.

What's this about not smuggling

foreign meats into the country?

What's wrong with foreign meat?

And if there is
something wrong with it,

what's going to happen to me

after I've been
eating it for a week?

And look, it says here if
I mutilate this passport,

it renders it invalid.

Suppose I'm just about to
go through U.S. Customs

and some crazy person
breaks into my luggage,

mutilates my passport and
fills my suitcase full of meat?

That's the chance
all travelers take.

Why there's my Kanga
and her little Roo.

Do you feel the butterfly
of life fluttering within you?

It's either that or gas.

Could I speak with you for a
moment in relative privacy?

Of course.

Now I know you don't want me
carrying on about the pregnancy,

and believe me,
I don't intend to.

But I thought as a doctor,
you might like to hear one thing.

What is that?

It sounds li...

It is!

Is it?

A little heartbeat?

My child's heartbeat.

Life!

I am a giver of life!

I have planted my seed.

I am your fertile ground.

Lo! See what we have wrought!

Let's go sleep on the
roof nude, my dear,

and let the rain
nourish our child.

Yes, why not?

Nude, and unashamed.

Why should we be ashamed?

Our child will never be ashamed.

Want to bet?

So, Woodman,
today's the day, huh?

Yeah, you ready
for the big trip, bud?

I guess so. I'm just
going through this book,

trying to put together a
few useful Italian phrases.

Let's hear one.

All right.

That's great. What's it mean?

"I have been hideously mangled

"in a train accident.

Please shoot me."

Woody...

Greetings, everyone.

Oh!

My goodness! Well, what time

are you two due at
the square dance?

I'll thank you to be serious.

My woman made this shirt.

It's my first.

Yes, we've decided to stop

parasitically living
off the labor of others.

From now on, we
provide for ourselves.

We've been examining our lives,

and we've discovered some
frightening things. Yeah.

You finally found
Diane walled up

in Frasier's crawl space?

We're so civilized,
we've cut ourselves off

from our true animal nature.

Accordingly, we've
decided to forsake the city

and go live in the wilderness.

Yes. We're going to leave
behind the 20th century.

And I will build a cabin

with my own two hands
and the sweat of my brow.

Uh... do you guys
want these pretzels?

Uh.., no. No, thank you.

From now on, I
only eat what I kill.

Then I suggest you kill about a
half dozen beers and lighten up.

Don't you think you guys are
getting a little carried away?

I mean, all of us want to
chuck it all sometimes, but

you can live to regret
that kind of thing.

I mean, believe me, I
know what I'm talking about.

Sammy? What?

Excuse me. You're
not going to tell

that long, boring story

about how you sold the bar

and bought a boat to
sail around the world,

and then the boat sank, are you?

No, Norm.

I'm not.

I'm perfectly aware how
that turning point in my life

means nothing to you.

So I'm going

to tell a story about
a friend of mine

who bought a truck

to drive around the world.

Sam, if this story is
meant to discourage us,

it's going to fall on deaf ears.

I've already burned
our last bridge.

I'm proud to announce that the
Doctor has given up his practice.

Oh, come on.

You did what?

Yes.

We put our house on the market,

I helped Lilith
compose her letter

of resignation to
Boston General,

and I just canceled
my paranoia workshop.

So all we need to do
now is buy a stout ax

and a plot of land
in the wilderness.

And I'll stand by your side

and bear your young
and cook your meals.

Try not to get them mixed up.

Ah... wait, whoa, hold it.

Listen, have either of you

even lived outside of the city?

Well, I admit we are urbanites,

but we've always
enjoyed the country

whenever we've flown over it.

Listen, why don't

you try living, you know,

for a week in the woods?

See how you like it.

Well, that's a possibility.

Hey, as a matter of fact,

a friend of mine has a
cabin in northern Maine.

Sammy, he didn't take it
around the world, did he?

Why don't you just,

you know, borrow
it for a little while?

See how you like it. Huh?

Well, it's a tempting thought.

What do you think, Lilith?

Well, it's possible.

We could put our careers
on hold just for now,

and take a few
days off next week

to become one with nature.

By George, we'll do it!

Next week, it's into the woods.

Great. Thank you, Sam.

Oh, gee, you know, if I
run, I can make my 3:00.

But, dear,

you just canceled your
paranoia workshop.

Oh, right.

Well, I'll deny it,
tell them it's part

of a government conspiracy.

They'll eat that up.

It's perfect.

Not quite.

What's this abomination?

There. Now we can
live like our forefathers.

I will go, my love,

and I will go to Innisfree,

and a cabin build there
of clay and wattles made...

Frasier, dearest,

I feel the coldness.

It's good.

Let's celebrate the coldness.

There. That's done.

Now let's celebrate
warmness, and quickly.

Yes. Warmth.

I will give my family warmth.

Where are the matches?

I thought you brought them.

Are you telling me you
didn't bring any matches?

No, I'm telling you you
didn't bring any matches.

Well, not to worry. Even better.

Right. We'll do as
our forebears did.

Yes. I'll go

slit open a moose
and we can climb in

and bunk there for the night.

Pioneer humor.

Well, our forbears laughed.

Oh. Oh, here's just the thing.

Uh, yeah, uh...

Frasier, what are you doing?

Well, I'm striking two stones
together to get a spark.

Ah!

Then be ready to jump back,

lest a flame singe
your eyebrows.

Lilith, please, I've
never done this before,

and I could use some support.

Well, if you don't
know what you're doing,

why did you drag me up
here in the dead of winter?

Well, because that's when you
just happened to get pregnant.

No, I think that's when you
just happened to knock me up.

I think that's when
you just happened

to forget to take your pill.

I sense civilization
creeping in.

My wild asparagus, forgive me.

No. It's I who should apologize.

We don't need a fire.

We have our body
heat to keep us warm.

No, no. My wife
and child need a fire,

and I'm going to build it
for them if it takes all day.

And we'll stand right
by you while you do it.

Say, Lilith, you
know, it might help me

to get a rhythm going if
you would sing one of those

simple work songs that
our forefathers so beloved.

I don't know any work songs.

Well, sing whatever you do know.

I only know one song.

Well, sing that, then.

♪ My funny valentine ♪

♪ Sweet comic valentine ♪

♪ You make me
smile with my heart... ♪

Hey, everybody!

Hey, Woody!

Man, how was your vacation?

Oh, I never had so much fun

in my whole life. SAM: Hey.

Oh, I knew you'd love Italy

if you'd just give it a chance.

Oh, well, I never
actually made it to Italy.

What?

Yeah, I fell asleep
and missed my flight.

Okay, pay up. Pay up.

So, Woody, where
were you all week?

The airport.

Oh... it was great.

I met people from
all over the world.

You spent your entire
vacation at the airport?

Well, yeah.

You know, I mean,
at first I felt terrible

about missing my flight,

but then I started
talking to this

really nice guy,

and it turned out
he's from India.

Can you imagine that?

I'm from Indiana
and he's from India.

We laughed about that for hours.

At least I think that's
what he was laughing at.

Well, I-I'm glad you
had a good time, Woody.

I-I didn't expect
you back today.

I thought you'd need a rest,

so I didn't schedule you

until tomorrow.

Great! I'm out of here!

Where you going?

I hear great things
about the bus depot.

♪ Stay, little valentine ♪

♪ Stay ♪

♪ Each day is... ♪

Shut up!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, God! My finger's
going to turn black now,

and the nail's
going to fall off.

Oh. No one said life in the
wilderness would be easy.

Here. Let me try.

No, no, Lilith.

I must get back
up on that horse.

A spark! L-Lilith,
did you see that?

I made a spark!

I knew you could do it.

This is the most glorious
moment of my life.

I've never felt so
proud and triumphant.

No prouder than
I, my Prometheus.

Lilith, with these two rocks,

I can accomplish anything.

I've never felt closer to you.

Nor I, you.

Of course, we haven't
actually achieved fire yet.

Ah, good point.

Oh, say, you know what?

Grab some more of that paper,

and we'll wad it up and use it

to catch it on the spark.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, a Boston paper.

Is it?

The restaurant review section.

Restaurants.

Of course, they're
raving about La Porta's.

$200 for a dinner. How decadent.

No doubt about it.

Our society is in decay.

Can you believe we actually
frequented that place?

Perfumed and pompous.

Living off the labor of others.

Eating the flesh of animals

we didn't even kill.

It was good, though.

The tarragon glaze
was impeccable.

The crème brûlée was a poem.

Of course, quality
isn't the point.

No, no. It's a moral issue.

And, if it's food you want,

why, I'll cook you a
hearty American meal.

Lentils and okra
over our open fire.

My mouth is watering already.

Lilith, I'm thinking something.

And I... I think
you're thinking it, too.

But neither of us wants to
admit that we're thinking it

for fear that the other
one isn't thinking it.

So, I think it's very
important that we

both say what we're
thinking simultaneously...

If, indeed, we are
thinking the same thing,

and I think we are.

So, are you ready?

I want to go home.
I want to go home.

Okay, if we drive
70 all the way,

do you think we can
make it to La Porta's

for the 10:00 seating?
No. I don't think so.

Then we'll charter a plane.

That's the beauty
of civilization...

You can buy anything!