Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 13 - Golden Boyd - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

All right, here you go, Cliffie.

How about getting your mom

a pair of these soothing,
gel-filled insoles,

and odor eliminators.

It's only her birthday,
it's not Christmas.

How about one of
these Lucite snack trays

that plays the theme from Cats?

Yeah, Valentine's Day, 1963.

Back then it played "Exodus."

Hummingbird feeder?



Come on, you guys are
just being silly now, right?

Well, then, Cliff, I'm afraid

you're going to spend a little
more than $1.99 for your mom's gift.

Yeah, you're right, Normie.

You only turn 70 once.

Speaking as a mom,

you know, when
my kids give me gifts,

the ones that always mean
the most to me are the ones

they make themselves.

For instance, look at
this little key chain here.

Anthony made this for me the
first year he went away to camp.

I carried it with me ever since.

I think it might be the
most precious thing I own.

Well, I'll give you
three bucks for it.



Done.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Sam, you're working a big
party the 26th at Mr. Gaines'.

Another big party...

How come you always get
roped into running these things?

I'm not running this.

I'm just delivering the message.

Yes, I will be
attending the party,

but as an honored guest.

An honored guest who happens
to show up a couple of hours early

and leave a couple hours late.

And I will do as any
other good guest will:

help clean up, and
maybe park a few cars.

So what's the
shindig for this time?

Oh, it's one of those
welcome-back-from-your-fabulous

all-expense-paid-trip-
to-Europe,

you-sniveling-snot-brat

of-a-vice-president's-
daughter's tennis brunch.

Gee, I've never
been to one of those.

Good.

You're tending bar.

There's the address.

I'll see you at 10:00,
Sunday morning.

She played right into my hands.

If I do say so myself,

I do throw a lovely party.

Oh, Mr. Gaines,

I don't believe I've
been introduced

to the guest of honor,
your lovely daughter.

Oh, Kelly would
love to meet you.

Oh, she's busy.

Jack Daniels, neat.

Coming right up, sir.

Say, aren't you Sam Malone?

Didn't you used to be a pitcher?

Yep, that's me.

Now you're doing this?

Well,

nothing wrong with tending bar.

It's good, honest work.

Uh, here's a little
something for you.

Those rich snobs, man.

They think they can look
down their noses at you,

and then make everything
better by slipping you a measly...

50 bucks?

Two white wines, please.

Yes, sir. Coming right up here.

You know, Woody, I tell ya,

it's a long way

from pitching in
the major leagues

to slinging drinks.

What am I gonna do, you know?

I mean, life's dealt
me this lousy hand.

I guess I'm just gonna have

to play it out, huh?

I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, there are your drinks.

Thank you.

Oh, bless you.

I'm definitely on
to something here.

Excuse me,

bartender.

A little more champagne.

Sure.

Maybe I'll get a tip, too, Sam.

Listen, this whining for
dollars routine is mine.

Anyway, I'll be summering
in D.C., God help me.

Dad's favoring me with
the option of going up

on the Hill to page
or being a clerk.

So what do you think?

Oh, uh, excuse
me for interrupting,

but I'd go with the clerk job.

I had a blast the summer I
clerked at the Piggly Wiggly.

Uh...

I'm sure you did,

but I was talking about
being a legal clerk.

Oh, this was all
in the up and up.

Are you always this obtuse?

The cummerbund

makes my waist look thick.

Yeah...

yeah, thick.

That's the word I
was searching for.

Write it on your hand.

You'll never forget it.

He's very funny.

Well, here's to you, Malone.

And, uh, I wish you lots of luck

on that triple bypass.

Thank you.

Bless your heart.

You having a heart problem, Sam?

Yeah, it feels like there's
something pressing on it.

Maybe like... all this cash.

Excuse me, uh, bartender.

Can I give you a little tip?

Looking good, Sam.

Sure.

For the rest of the afternoon,

just keep your mouth shut.

Excuse me?

You're here to work, not
to chitchat with the guests.

You think just
because you're rich

you can boss people around?

We've got guys like
you back in Hanover.

You know what we call them?

What?

"Sir."

But after we say
it, we roll our eyes.

You know, kid, you're
really starting to annoy me.

I think I'm going to
teach you some manners.

Step outside.

Uh, uh, I'm sorry, all right?

I was out of line.

I don't want to fight.

Oh, you're not as
stupid as you look.

Now I want to fight.

Whoa, whoa, what's
going on here, man?

This guy just said I wasn't
as stupid as I look, Sam.

Whoa, whoa, come here.

Listen, whoa, whoa, stop.

I mean it. Really, listen,
before you go out there,

let me just say a
couple of things here.

Now I've been a bartender
for quite a few years

and I've broken up a
lot of fights in my day.

And I'll tell you no
matter who's involved,

whether they're rich
guys or poor guys,

tall guys or short guys,

fat guys, skinny guys,

guys with speech impediments...

What's your point?

Well, the point is, that usually
by this point in the story,

the guys would forget
what they're angry about

and they'd kind of wander away.

Yeah, well, I, I, uh...

I guess this isn't the
right time or place.

Yeah, you're right.

All right, there you go.

Very good, very good.

Now why don't you just go
back to the bar here, Woody.

Will you tell me the rest
of the story later, Sam?

Well, maybe we'll, uh...

we'll meet again, when
your daddy isn't around.

I don't need him to protect me.

I'll meet you anywhere, anytime.

You can find me at Cheers.

I'll see you there tomorrow.

I'll be there with bells on.

That's just an expression.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Sam, I heard what
you've been doing.

Going around giving
everyone a hard luck story,

so they give you big tips.

I find that completely
unprofessional,

and I will not condone it.

I'm going to dock
you a day's pay.

Did you hear that?

Woody,

cognac

for all my friends.

We're celebrating
this year's recipient

of the Fisk Foundation grant.

All right.

I knew you could do it, buddy.

What the hell is it?

It's a very prestigious
and lucrative fellowship

that will enable me,
finally, after all these years,

to complete my treatise.

"Man's need to work,
the never-ending drive.

To build, create and achieve."

Yeah, must feel pretty good.

Oh, you bet.

If I can cop one more
fat grant, it's loaf city.

Ah.

The only thing missing
now is a fine cigar.

Well, allow me.

Carla, three of your
finest Tampas, please.

You got it, gentlemen.

Look at these beauties.

That'll be 45 cents.

Carla, we asked for a cigar,
not this flammable bratwurst.

Come on, Fras,
these are pretty tasty.

Yeah, and they
outlast the others

by what, a good,
eight or nine hours.

Cliffie, make a smoke ring go
around my head the way you do.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Boyd, I'm here.

Yeah, so am I.

Course, I'm always
here, so it's no big deal.

You know, I wouldn't feel
right beating you senseless,

unless I warn you in advance,

I was on the boxing
team at Princeton.

Yeah? Well, while you're
beating me senseless,

keep this in mind:

I was first alternate on the
Hanover High Boxing Squad.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means if anybody got
sick or hurt, I'd be the one...

No!

I mean, is that supposed
to make you a tough guy?

Tough enough.

Yeah, well, proof
is in the pudding.

All right, that does it.

Nobody says that to me.

Who wants to see a rich
boy get his butt whupped?

Woody! Woody! Woody!

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

I can't leave here.

Look, if you're gonna
fight, go fight in the back.

But remember, you
gotta bus your own blood.

Let's go.

Woody, Woody, Woody,

Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody...

Rich guy! Rich guy!
Rich guy! Rich guy!

Ugh, did I get
struck by lightning?

No, Woody.

Oh, right, I guess that only
happens once in your life.

He's okay.

Gee, I hate for you
guys to see me like this,

all dopey and muddle-headed.

Yeah, we barely recognize you.

We Boyds don't appreciate
having our faces caved in.

Yeah?

I'm gonna get that guy.

Calm down, Woody.

Isn't it enough that
you left little bits of face

in his pinkie ring?

And your nose really messed
up his shoeshine when you fell.

I'm gonna get that guy.

I'm gonna get him good.

Oh, come on, Woody.

What do you... how
can you get him, man?

He's rich, he's smart, he's
in good shape, he's tough;

hangs out with a
better class of people...

Hey! Hey!

You know what I'm
talking about, guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Hey! Hey!

How can I get that guy?

He must have some weak spot.

Oh, hi. I hope I'm not too late.

I heard my boyfriend
was coming here

to fight that nice bartender.

Fight?!

I've had sneezes

that lasted longer.

Oh, I am so sorry Nash did this.

He has such a ridiculous temper.

If there's anything I can do,
please, don't hesitate to ask.

Are your hands just
naturally this soft,

or you use a special lotion?

Lotion, but you can't
buy it in the States.

Smells good, too.

No, it's fragrance free.

You smell my hair.

I rinse it in an essence
of Belgian wild flowers.

They make a boy's version?

I'll have my personal shopper
check and send you a case.

I feel just terrible
about what Nash did.

It'd be a shame if you got
a scar on that cute face.

I'll be okay.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Now, how could I
get that Nash guy?

Woody?

Woody, I think
it's kind of obvious,

if you know what I mean.

Beat up his girlfriend?

I don't think you could.

Whoa.

Come on.

Now think with me here. Think.

Now, have you met
anybody recently,

kind of cute, you know?

Somebody who smells good
and has hair down to here?

I'm interested in what
you're saying, Sam,

but I just had a thought.

If I went out with that girl, I
could make Nash real jealous.

Woody! Woody! Woody...

I'm back! Woody! Woody! Woody...

This has been a fabulous day.

As I walked through
the halls of headquarters,

I received nothing but kudos

for my fantastic
party yesterday.

Mr. Gaines said I
displayed leadership,

imagination and class.

I am it.

That's great, Miss Howe.

Listen, do you think it'd
be okay if I took an hour off?

Of course, Woody, take two.

You deserve it.

Oh, great.

I'm going to go ask
your boss for permission

to date his daughter, okay?

Okay.

No!

And so, Mr. Gaines,

please allow me to stress again,

in the strongest way possible,

that my being here
in no way reflects

upon Miss Rebecca Howe

or her chance for
advancement in your corporation.

I'll take that under advisement.

Now, if you'll please get
on with your business?

Yes, sir.

My business is that
I'd like permission

to date your daughter Kelly.

I think you'll find

that I'm generous, hardworking,

friendly, cheerful, and honest.

Oh, yeah, and I'm funny, too.

Well presented, young man.

And a charming,
old-fashioned gesture, besides.

Ready to hit the links, Walter?

In a minute, Nash.

Anyway, as you can see,

your visit has been
in vain, Mr. Boyd.

My daughter Kelly has
been dating young Nash here

for some years now.

Well, Boyd,

how's that chin healing?

Never mind my
chin, how's your ring?

Nash, it seems Mr. Boyd
here has his eye on Kelly.

Oh, what a coincidence.

Only yesterday, he had
his eye on my Topsiders.

Come on, son.

We're on the tee in ten minutes.

That sounds good,

but I have to warn you,
I've never played before.

He's talking to me, Gomer.

You'll show yourself out?

Well, you better
get going, Boyd.

You're going to
be late for that bus.

A lot you know.

It doesn't come around
for another 15 minutes.

Nash?

Let's do it!

I'll see you later, Kelly.

Got to go let your dad
beat me at golf again.

Well, I better be going, too.

Wait a minute.

I heard your dad's answer

and I heard Nash's answer,

but I still haven't
heard your answer yet.

Oh, gosh, Woody, I couldn't.

I understand.

Wait a minute.

Why not?

I'm not Nash's property,

and I just hate it when he
always assumes that I am.

Well, beans, this'll show him!

Aw, that's great.
That is terrific.

All right.

I'll pick you up
tomorrow at 8:00, okay?

Now, I promise you you're going
to have the best time possible.

You may think
from looking at me,

that I'm an unsophisticated guy
who doesn't know his way around,

but you're going to
find out I do, okay?

I'll see ya.

Woody?

Yes?

Do you know you're in a closet?

Yeah, but I thought it
might be more sophisticated

just to lay low
and then sneak out

after everyone went to bed.

Good night.

Good night.

Sam, has Woody come
back from his date yet?

Uh-uh.

I changed his schedule around
so he can all of his evenings off

so he can continue to date
that lovely young woman.

Wait a minute, now
you want him to date?

I mean, what
happened to the Attack

of the Screaming
Boss Lady from Hell?

Now I will admit
that I didn't want him

to ask her out originally,
but let's face it...

He's on a date with her.

And the more they date,
the more of a chance

he has to become
the boss's son-in-law.

And boss's sons-in-law
become VP's

and in the corporate
world, it always helps

to have a VP in your corner.

That's disgusting.

Sam, I don't make up the rules.

I just follow them.

Thanks again for a
wonderful evening, Woody.

You introduced me
to a whole new world.

Yeah, it's hard to
believe a girl like you

has never been to a monster
truck and tractor pull before.

Oh, Woody! On the first date!

How you going
to top that, buddy?

Well, there's no need to top it.

It's a one-shot deal.

Wh-What do you mean? What...?

I mean, the only reason
she went out with me

was to make a point
with her boyfriend.

Wait, wait, wait, how
do you know that?

'Cause she told me.

I mean, it only seems fair.

The only reason I
went out with her

was to get revenge
at her boyfriend.

At least that's what I told her.

Woody,

that is beautiful.

That's the kind of honesty

that's going to keep
you out of marriage.

Kelly.

Your dad said I
might find you here.

Nash, I know what
you're going to say,

and I don't want to hear it.

I'm tired of being
treated like chattel.

Excuse me, I think
that's pronounced cattle.

You know, when I heard what
you were up to, I got really mad.

Then I, well, I realized,
you couldn't possibly

be doing this for
your own enjoyment,

so you must be doing
it to prove a point to me.

And I have to say,
point well taken.

This has been a humbling
experience for me.

Nothing personal.

That's okay, I
didn't understand it.

Anyway, from now on, new Nash.

Just hope you'll give
me another chance.

Well, okay.

Great.

Hey, let's go.

Maybe we can catch a
late supper at Guiseppi's.

I don't know.

Are we finished with
our date, Woody?

Yeah, okay, I guess
it's over... if you want.

Well, thanks again
for a fun evening.

Kelly?

What?

Nothing.

Do you have something you
want to say to me, Woody?

No.

I had a great time.

It was nice meeting you.

I was really happy
to get to know you.

I guess I did have
something to say to you.

So, I... guess we
should be leaving.

Yeah, I guess I should
be getting back to work.

Well, have fun working.

Yeah, have fun leaving.

Woody, come on, man.

Go get her.

I can't, Sam.

What could I
possibly say to her?

Just say, "I like you.

Will you go out with me again?"

Oh, right, just like that.

And she's going to
dump her rich boyfriend

who she's been seeing
for all these years,

for poor, old, nobody Woody.

I'm afraid the real world

doesn't work like
that, Sam; trust me.

No, Woody, come on.

Hey, listen, just do
me a favor: Go get her.

Now, if it doesn't work
out, I'll buy you dinner.

If it does, you owe me.

Just go out there.

Say, "I like you, will you
go out with me again?"

Come on, before it's
too late, go get her.

I'll give it a try, Sam.

Excuse me.

Kelly, uh...

I like you.

Will you go out with me again?

Sure.

Oh, great,

great.

Well, we can't do it tonight.

I've got to take Sam out.

Oh, no, no.

It's okay, we can go out now.

Uh, yeah, I have a
standing reservation

at Pizza by the Yard.

Oh, wait a minute.

What about Nash?

Well, I was getting
in the car with him

when I realized...

Woody, I have a lot
more fun with you.

Ah, yeah, I know what you mean.

I didn't have much
fun with Nash, either.

Hey, Miss Howe?

Can I leave now? Take Kelly out?

I promise I'll work
a double next week.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Go, go ahead. Have a good time.

And if you want to stay
out real late and get married,

then come in anytime tomorrow.

You're the greatest, Miss Howe.

Okay, let's hurry.

If we get there by 6:00,

we can sit at the Pac-Man table.

What's a Pac-Man?

Oh, Kelly, I have so
much to teach you.