Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 14 - I Kid You Not - full transcript
Ludlow is Carla's son, fathered by Frasier's mentor, Dr. Bennett Ludlow. Ludlow has some of his father in him: he's an intellectual and enjoys cultural things in life, like the opera and classical music, unlike Carla's other children. Frasier and Lilith want to take Ludlow to the opera, both because they want to help Ludlow further his interest in the arts, but also to find out if they are parent material as they're thinking about having children of their own. Ludlow is enamored with the opera and Frasier and Lilith are equally as enamored with Ludlow and want to do more cultural activities with him. Carla feels like she's losing him to another social class. After a week of Frasier and Lilith doing everything with Ludlow, Carla puts her foot down when they want to take him out to the most exclusive restaurant in town, if only because she wants some time with her own son. But Carla gives in yet again. However Sam talks Frasier and Lilith into asking Carla along as well. At dinner, the Cranes ultimately see another side of Ludlow. With others in the bar, Woody is going to his first country club dinner with Kelly, and wants to drive there instead of taking the bus like he and Kelly usually do on their dates. Carless, he asks Sam if he can borrow his car. Will Sam, who lives for his 'vette, do this favor for his friend?
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Sounds great, Kelly.
I'll see you Saturday.
Yeah. Okay.
Guess what, guys? What?
I'm going to my first
country club dance.
Whoo-hoo! All right.
Yeah, I gotta check
the bus schedule.
Wait, wait, Woody...
You're going out with
the boss's daughter and
you're riding around on a bus?
Yeah, it's getting to
be a real drag, too.
Especially when
you can't sit together.
Maybe I can borrow Sam's car.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Hold up there, Woodster.
Lest you forget the Ten
Commandments of Sam Malone.
Hence, commandment number three:
"Thou shall not loan thy car."
I thought that was
commandment number four.
That's "Honor thy hair."
I think Sam might
make an exception
in my case. Hey, Sam?
Sam?
Can I borrow your car?
My car?
Yeah, I'll be real
careful with it.
No, I'll bring it home early
and I'll wash it the next day.
Well, food for thought.
So, Wood, is he
gonna loan you the car?
He didn't come right out and
say it, but I like my chances.
He's in a great mood today.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
I wish you luck, Woody,
because if Sam
does lend you that car,
you're home free.
That thing is a
rolling aphrodisiac.
Absolutely. You know,
any female that rides
around with Sam in that car...
Yeah?
Ends up going
straight to bed with him.
I've ridden in that car.
Right.
Well, I didn't go
to bed with him.
Huh. Right, and
they always deny it
afterwards, you know?
I hate you guys.
Yeah, then they always cop
that anti-male attitude, you know?
Oh, Sammy, mind if
I cut out for an hour?
I want to catch the
last couple of innings
of my kid Ludlow's T-ball game.
Hey, I thought he was
the intellectual of the family.
He's into baseball, huh?
Well, he didn't go willingly.
I had to trick him.
I used the old
"going to the library
"but running out of gas
in front of the
ballpark" routine.
Seems kind of
drastic, doesn't it?
Come on, Sammy, please.
I don't want the kid growing up
to be a soft, doughy wimp
wearing an argyle sweater
and smoking a pipe.
Go ahead, take off.
And don't worry
about Lud; he'll be fine.
"Lud: you know,
that's Carla's son
by Bennett Ludlow.
He's a cute little tyke.
Carla bore a son
to Bennett Ludlow...
The eminent
psychiatrist, your mentor?
Oh, this is prime dish.
I can't wait to tell the girls
in the sleep disorder lab.
So, Carla, tell, tell.
Have you bedded any
other Rhodes scholars?
Uh... no.
But one egghead,
long-distance, phone-in father
is enough for this baby factory.
In spite of the fact
that Dr. Ludlow's work
takes him out of the country,
I'm sure he's a
marvelous parent.
No, a good parent is
someone who's there.
Who's there to help them
out with their homework.
There when they wake
up in the middle of the night
crying their eyes out.
He's there with
the bottle of Bactine
when they give
themselves a bad tattoo.
Well, I've been there.
I raised eight kids
on a waitress's salary,
and I want you to know
they're all good kids,
and not one of them
has had a conviction
that stood up on appeal.
I stand corrected, Carla.
Mom, how could you
do that to me?
Luddy, how did you get here?
Did the coach drop you off?
Yes.
Oh, then the game ended early.
So how'd you do?
Coach me had on
the bench all afternoon.
Well, what do you mean?
You didn't play at all?
Well, they finally put me in
after the kid with
the cast on his leg
and the two fat girls left.
So what did you do?
I hit the ball, but they
still made fun of me.
Like everybody's just supposed
to know which way to run.
I'm going to go
clean up your specs.
Carla's got herself a real
Poindexter there, huh?
Yeah.
It's sad to say
that kids not
accepted by their peers
really never learn how
to get along with people
in the big grown-up world.
Why is that, Cliff?
'Cause they keep boring
everyone and driving them crazy
with long speeches filled
with meaningless statistics?
Yep, yeah.
63% of them live lives
of quiet desperation.
And how about those
who sit next to them?
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
a friend of your father's.
I understand
you had a rough afternoon.
You must never let
the bullies of this world
diminish your inner spirit
nor put out the fire of
your competitive nature.
Sir? Yes, son?
You're kneeling on some gum.
Heavens, my new gabardines!
You and gum.
He attracts it like a magnet.
We'll swing by our place
and pick up another pair
on our way to the opera.
Which opera are you going to?
Die Meistersinger.
Oh, I know that one.
That's where all
the master singers
get together in Nuremberg
and have a big contest
to find out who's best.
Oh, yeah, kind of
like Star Search.
Basically.
Frasier...
Frasier, I just had
a delicious idea.
Why don't we buy an extra ticket
and take young Lud
to the opera with us?
Oh, wow, great!
But I have to ask my mom.
Mommy, Dr. Crane and his wife
invited me to go to
the opera with them.
Well, you don't
have to be polite.
Just tell them to bug off.
But, Mom, I want to go. Please?
Carla, may I have
a word with you?
Yeah. Sammy, entertain the kid.
Carla, you'd be
doing us all a favor.
Allowing Frasier and
me to spend some time
with your son might help
us to formulate a decision
that's been under much
discussion as of late.
You see, the two of us are
considering whether or not
we wish to reproduce.
You're thinking of
having a baby, huh?
So, tell me, how
long does it take
one of your pods
to hatch, anyway?
Listen, you want to
baby-sit Lud, be my guest.
What's that on your shirt?
Huh? Ooh!
You're good. You're good.
Okay, Luddy, you're
going to the opera.
Yay!
Yeah, you're going
to love it, kid, too.
You know that Wagner,
he wrote all those pieces
when he was stone deaf.
No, that was Beethoven.
I meant blind.
That was Milton.
He had warts.
That was you.
I told you not to tell anybody.
Shouldn't they be back by now?
How long can an opera last?
Well, the last one I remember
lasted about eight months.
Yeah, I just hope
everything's all right.
Carla, look, I know you love
your kids and everything...
I mean, like your kids.
I mean, I know you have kids...
but I have never seen
you this concerned before.
Well, Lud's special.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I mean, whenever I
come home at night,
he always brings me a
pan of hot water for my feet.
He actually asks
me how my day went.
I don't know if I ever
told anybody this before...
I love him.
You don't have to
be shy about saying
that you love your kids.
Oh, why don't you just take
out an ad in the Yellow Pages?
Hey, Normie, I almost forgot
how much Sam's Corvette
girls love to whistle.
I wish I had a
nickel for every time
I heard that sound, huh?
Classic slamming of the door.
So Sam still won't
loan you his car, huh?
No, but I'm starting to
love that man's laugh.
Sammy, come on, give
the kid a break, will ya?
Just let him borrow your car.
Please, Sam?
Kelly's the best
girl I've ever dated,
and she loves Corvettes.
Well, I tell you what, Woody.
I'll give her a lift in my car.
No way, Sammy.
Every girl who goes for
a ride in your Corvette
winds up going to bed with you.
Right, Miss Howe?
Well, now she's
just being redundant.
It's okay, Sam, I understand
about the car thing.
Oh, good.
I didn't mean to
put you on the spot.
And, uh, I want you to know
that, even though you won't
let me borrow your car,
there's no hard feelings.
And if I ever have
a car of my own,
and you want to
borrow it, it's yours.
Ah, I know what
you're trying to do.
You're trying to guilt me
into giving you my car.
No, I'm not. I wouldn't do that.
You're my best friend.
Ah, man, you're scum!
I mean it, Sam, I love you.
Hey, fine. Here,
take the damn car.
What just happened?
You outsmarted him.
So that's what it feels like.
Mom, Mom! The
opera was so great!
All the singing, and costumes.
This was the
best day of my life!
That's terrific, Lud.
I never seen him so excited.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, Carla, it was our pleasure.
He's an extraordinary child.
Yes, we had an
extensive discussion
on the way back about opera,
the arts, film...
Oh, Carla, may we take
Lud to the movies tonight?
There's a revival of
Koyaanisqatsi we'd love him to see,
and then we were thinking
he could sleep over,
We could have brunch and a
matinee of Peter and the Wolf.
Gee, I don't know.
He's never stayed
away from home before.
He's only six.
Please, Mommy? Please?
Oh, heck, you really
want to go that bad, huh?
Go, go, go ahead.
Have a good time.
Stay as long as you want.
I'll see you when you get back.
Thank you, Carla.
We'll take good care
of him, don't worry.
Well, that's that.
I lost my baby.
Listen, Sam, I hope it's okay
that I keep asking you this,
but I just want to
make sure one last time
that you haven't
changed your mind
about me using your car.
No, Woody.
No, you haven't
changed your mind
or no, I can't use your car
or no, it's not okay to ask?
No, get out of my
face before I hurt ya.
He's special.
Hey, Carla, still listening
to that opera stuff?
She can't hear you, Cliff.
She's got the music
blasting in her ear.
You mean she can't hear me
if I say she reminds me of
one of those little
plastic troll dolls?
Hey, what's...
what's the big idea?
I thought you couldn't hear me.
No, but I can see,
and you're ugly.
So, are you still cramming all
that high-Q stuff in your head?
You know, Sammy, I
don't have any choice.
I mean, ever since
Dr. Cyclops and Morticia
started introducing Lud
to all this culture crap,
it's like I don't have
anything to talk to him about.
So I'm listening
to all this music,
and I'm plowing through
all these books here.
Look at this.
Good heavens, man.
History of Modern Art.
Comprehensive Guide
to the World Of Opera.
Hollywood Wives.
Yeah, I'm getting
into literature, too.
I've read this.
Oh, man, who am I trying to kid?
I'm just stupid.
Hey, you are not stupid.
Oh, how would you
know? You're stupid.
If you were really stupid, you
wouldn't know that about me.
Good point.
Greetings, Carla.
We just dropped
your son off at home
after a lovely sojourn
at the Museum of Fine Art.
You know, that
child is such a love.
He's so bright,
inquisitive, creative.
He reminds me of
myself as a child.
Of course, he has more hair.
We were wondering if we could
treat Lud to
dinner this evening.
Come on, guys.
You've had him out
every night this week.
Besides, I had a special
family evening planned.
I was gonna cook
a big bowl of pasta,
and we're all gonna
sit around and watch
America's Most Wanted,
and see if we could
rat on our neighbors.
Yes, but, you see,
Carla, this is special, too.
I mean, I've just managed
to finagle reservations
for Magritte's.
It's the most exclusive
restaurant in all of Boston.
I never heard of it.
Precisely.
Carla, please.
It would mean
a lot to the child,
and I think Lud
would enjoy it also.
Oh, all right. Who cares?
More spaghetti
for the rest of us.
Hey, Fras.
Listen, why don't you invite
Carla to dinner with you?
Well, now, Sam, uh...
Carla is a fine woman
and a good friend.
Actually, she's neither.
And why would I
want to eat with her?
Frasier, dear, I think
we should invite Carla.
I think it would
be very, very nice.
Do you know what would
be very, very nice, Lilith?
If you would stop digging
your nails into my palm.
But I'm sure I'll choose
to see your point
before you draw blood.
Carla? Carla, what
say we make it four
at Magritte's tonight, huh?
You buying?
I'm going.
Well, good. We're on, then.
We'll call for you at 8:00.
By the way, Carla,
please bear in mind
that this is a very
posh establishment.
Need I say more?
Oh, no, no, no.
I get the picture
loud and clear.
I'll shave my legs.
I hope this table
is satisfactory.
Oh, this is wonderful.
You know, the place is
just as I had heard it was.
It's delightful.
Everything looks
absolutely exquisite.
The menu is a
delightful combination
of nouvelle and provincial
with a nod toward
domestic ingredients.
And get a load of
all this ambiance.
The artwork is stunning.
Yes, well, there's a delightful
example of modern art.
If I might venture a guess, I
would say it's a "Schnaybel."
It isn't.
But, even if it was, it would
be pronounced "Schnahbel."
Excuse me. It's
a little hard to tell
this far from our "tahbel."
That's funny, Mom.
Ludlow, please, we're
not here to have fun.
We're here to enjoy ourselves.
Now...
would it please everyone
if I ordered for
the whole table?
It would be delightful.
Fine. Thank you.
Now, I know that
Lilith's delicate constitution
is not amenable to shallots.
Is there anything else
I should be mindful of?
How considerate of
you to ask, Frasier.
Actually, I have a delicate
constitution, as well.
No extra-heavy barbecue sauce.
I'll be repeating
like a Howitzer.
Delightful.
Boy, this sure beats
taking the bus, doesn't it?
Just you and me, the open road.
I'm getting kind
of tired of driving.
What do you say
we park somewhere
and look at the
stars for a while?
Oh, that sounds nice, Woody.
Hey, Sam, where's a
good place to go next?
Make a right at the light!
And not so fast this time!
Thank you.
Oh, and please tell Paul
that the salad course
was an absolute treasure.
His subtle yet
assertive dressing
was the perfect
balance for the arugula.
I concur in spades.
He'll be pleased to hear it.
Well, shall we bouillabaisse?
Ah, now...
smell the piquant bouquet.
Taste it with every
part of your tongue,
and then let it just
dance down your throat.
Frasier, as usual,
your anticipation
is interfering with
my enjoyment.
Yeah, Eddie has
that problem, too.
Ludlow, you're not eating.
None for me, thanks, Dr. Crane.
He doesn't like fish.
Look, Carla, this
is not something
that comes out of your cupboard
in a tin can with
a mermaid on it.
This is fruits de mer.
At $32 a pop, I think the
lad should give it a try.
Now, Ludlow, you've
been very open-minded
about everything else.
Make him happy. Take a bite.
If you don't like it,
you can spit it out
in your napkin. See?
Carla, we are not
here to make me happy.
We are here to enrich
the lad's experience,
which, if I must say so, I
do believe is my provenance.
Now, Lud, you know we all
have certain things we don't like.
I detested fish
when I was a child,
but I kept eating it and,
finally, I overcame my aversion.
Likewise.
When I first met Frasier,
I detested him.
Yes, but the point
is you love me now.
And Lud will love bouillabaisse.
Try it.
Okay.
Eww! Fish!
You barely tasted the broth.
Give it a better
chance than that.
No! I want a hamburger!
This restaurant does
not serve hamburgers.
Now, eat your bouillabaisse.
No! This fishy soup stinks!
And I hate it!
What an imp!
Luddy? What are you doing?
I'm going to try to get
him out from under there.
No, Carla. Carla, that's
exactly what he wants you to do.
One must not play
the game by his rules.
Now, I've taught
a seminar or two
on developmental behavior,
and the first rule in
these acting-out situations
is to simply ignore
the offending child.
Just pretend that
he doesn't exist.
Eventually, he'll get
bored and come out.
So... what a lovely meal.
Mmm! Do you know, I heard
that the chef here
was a protégé of...
Do you smell something burning?
Yes. That's my shoe.
I heard that he
was a protégé of...
Your shoe is on fire? Yes.
Isn't that painful?
Excruciating.
But I'm not going
to give the child
the pleasure of
hearing me cry out.
So, you see,
it seems he was educated
in a small village on the Rhine.
He...
Oh, Lud.
One hotfoot might be
considered a puckish prank.
But, if you light
that other match,
it is the end of our tutelage.
Is that perfectly clear?
That's it!
That's it! I've had it!
That severs the relationship!
Frasier, everyone thinks
you're arguing with your clams.
Is there a problem here?
No, no. Of course not.
The boy just slipped
under the table,
and his mother was
about to get him out.
His mother. Uh... yes, yes.
Carla, could you
take care of this?
Gee, I don't know if I could.
I... I've never taken a
psychology seminar.
Sir, we have a very
nice table in the kitchen.
Please, Carla. Please, please.
Hey, Lud, burger time.
Yay!
Ha-ha! Hotfoot, huh?
My genes must be
in there somewhere.
Let's go, Mommy.
First, apologize to Dr. Crane.
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.
I guess I shouldn't
have acted this way.
Well, no hard feelings, son.
Let's have dinner again sometime
when you're about,
oh, in your late 30s.
Bye.
Bye.
Uh... I was wondering.
Do you have frog legs?
Why, yes.
They're nice pants.
No one will ever notice.
I always wanted to do that.
You're the best
mommy in the world.
Yeah. Tell me
something I don't know.
You know, Lilith,
I think we've all
learned something here tonight.
I'm going to try to
tell you what it is
before you coat my
blistering feet with butter
and drop me off at
the emergency room.
You see...
this incident has made
something very clear to me.
I... I believe my initial
instincts were correct.
We shouldn't have children.
I don't think I'd
make a good father.
I don't want to be a father.
I'll never be a father.
End of discussion.
Frasier, I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna be a daddy?
I'm gonna be a daddy!
Oh, Lilith, we must
come here more often.
a live studio audience.
Sounds great, Kelly.
I'll see you Saturday.
Yeah. Okay.
Guess what, guys? What?
I'm going to my first
country club dance.
Whoo-hoo! All right.
Yeah, I gotta check
the bus schedule.
Wait, wait, Woody...
You're going out with
the boss's daughter and
you're riding around on a bus?
Yeah, it's getting to
be a real drag, too.
Especially when
you can't sit together.
Maybe I can borrow Sam's car.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Hold up there, Woodster.
Lest you forget the Ten
Commandments of Sam Malone.
Hence, commandment number three:
"Thou shall not loan thy car."
I thought that was
commandment number four.
That's "Honor thy hair."
I think Sam might
make an exception
in my case. Hey, Sam?
Sam?
Can I borrow your car?
My car?
Yeah, I'll be real
careful with it.
No, I'll bring it home early
and I'll wash it the next day.
Well, food for thought.
So, Wood, is he
gonna loan you the car?
He didn't come right out and
say it, but I like my chances.
He's in a great mood today.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
I wish you luck, Woody,
because if Sam
does lend you that car,
you're home free.
That thing is a
rolling aphrodisiac.
Absolutely. You know,
any female that rides
around with Sam in that car...
Yeah?
Ends up going
straight to bed with him.
I've ridden in that car.
Right.
Well, I didn't go
to bed with him.
Huh. Right, and
they always deny it
afterwards, you know?
I hate you guys.
Yeah, then they always cop
that anti-male attitude, you know?
Oh, Sammy, mind if
I cut out for an hour?
I want to catch the
last couple of innings
of my kid Ludlow's T-ball game.
Hey, I thought he was
the intellectual of the family.
He's into baseball, huh?
Well, he didn't go willingly.
I had to trick him.
I used the old
"going to the library
"but running out of gas
in front of the
ballpark" routine.
Seems kind of
drastic, doesn't it?
Come on, Sammy, please.
I don't want the kid growing up
to be a soft, doughy wimp
wearing an argyle sweater
and smoking a pipe.
Go ahead, take off.
And don't worry
about Lud; he'll be fine.
"Lud: you know,
that's Carla's son
by Bennett Ludlow.
He's a cute little tyke.
Carla bore a son
to Bennett Ludlow...
The eminent
psychiatrist, your mentor?
Oh, this is prime dish.
I can't wait to tell the girls
in the sleep disorder lab.
So, Carla, tell, tell.
Have you bedded any
other Rhodes scholars?
Uh... no.
But one egghead,
long-distance, phone-in father
is enough for this baby factory.
In spite of the fact
that Dr. Ludlow's work
takes him out of the country,
I'm sure he's a
marvelous parent.
No, a good parent is
someone who's there.
Who's there to help them
out with their homework.
There when they wake
up in the middle of the night
crying their eyes out.
He's there with
the bottle of Bactine
when they give
themselves a bad tattoo.
Well, I've been there.
I raised eight kids
on a waitress's salary,
and I want you to know
they're all good kids,
and not one of them
has had a conviction
that stood up on appeal.
I stand corrected, Carla.
Mom, how could you
do that to me?
Luddy, how did you get here?
Did the coach drop you off?
Yes.
Oh, then the game ended early.
So how'd you do?
Coach me had on
the bench all afternoon.
Well, what do you mean?
You didn't play at all?
Well, they finally put me in
after the kid with
the cast on his leg
and the two fat girls left.
So what did you do?
I hit the ball, but they
still made fun of me.
Like everybody's just supposed
to know which way to run.
I'm going to go
clean up your specs.
Carla's got herself a real
Poindexter there, huh?
Yeah.
It's sad to say
that kids not
accepted by their peers
really never learn how
to get along with people
in the big grown-up world.
Why is that, Cliff?
'Cause they keep boring
everyone and driving them crazy
with long speeches filled
with meaningless statistics?
Yep, yeah.
63% of them live lives
of quiet desperation.
And how about those
who sit next to them?
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
a friend of your father's.
I understand
you had a rough afternoon.
You must never let
the bullies of this world
diminish your inner spirit
nor put out the fire of
your competitive nature.
Sir? Yes, son?
You're kneeling on some gum.
Heavens, my new gabardines!
You and gum.
He attracts it like a magnet.
We'll swing by our place
and pick up another pair
on our way to the opera.
Which opera are you going to?
Die Meistersinger.
Oh, I know that one.
That's where all
the master singers
get together in Nuremberg
and have a big contest
to find out who's best.
Oh, yeah, kind of
like Star Search.
Basically.
Frasier...
Frasier, I just had
a delicious idea.
Why don't we buy an extra ticket
and take young Lud
to the opera with us?
Oh, wow, great!
But I have to ask my mom.
Mommy, Dr. Crane and his wife
invited me to go to
the opera with them.
Well, you don't
have to be polite.
Just tell them to bug off.
But, Mom, I want to go. Please?
Carla, may I have
a word with you?
Yeah. Sammy, entertain the kid.
Carla, you'd be
doing us all a favor.
Allowing Frasier and
me to spend some time
with your son might help
us to formulate a decision
that's been under much
discussion as of late.
You see, the two of us are
considering whether or not
we wish to reproduce.
You're thinking of
having a baby, huh?
So, tell me, how
long does it take
one of your pods
to hatch, anyway?
Listen, you want to
baby-sit Lud, be my guest.
What's that on your shirt?
Huh? Ooh!
You're good. You're good.
Okay, Luddy, you're
going to the opera.
Yay!
Yeah, you're going
to love it, kid, too.
You know that Wagner,
he wrote all those pieces
when he was stone deaf.
No, that was Beethoven.
I meant blind.
That was Milton.
He had warts.
That was you.
I told you not to tell anybody.
Shouldn't they be back by now?
How long can an opera last?
Well, the last one I remember
lasted about eight months.
Yeah, I just hope
everything's all right.
Carla, look, I know you love
your kids and everything...
I mean, like your kids.
I mean, I know you have kids...
but I have never seen
you this concerned before.
Well, Lud's special.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I mean, whenever I
come home at night,
he always brings me a
pan of hot water for my feet.
He actually asks
me how my day went.
I don't know if I ever
told anybody this before...
I love him.
You don't have to
be shy about saying
that you love your kids.
Oh, why don't you just take
out an ad in the Yellow Pages?
Hey, Normie, I almost forgot
how much Sam's Corvette
girls love to whistle.
I wish I had a
nickel for every time
I heard that sound, huh?
Classic slamming of the door.
So Sam still won't
loan you his car, huh?
No, but I'm starting to
love that man's laugh.
Sammy, come on, give
the kid a break, will ya?
Just let him borrow your car.
Please, Sam?
Kelly's the best
girl I've ever dated,
and she loves Corvettes.
Well, I tell you what, Woody.
I'll give her a lift in my car.
No way, Sammy.
Every girl who goes for
a ride in your Corvette
winds up going to bed with you.
Right, Miss Howe?
Well, now she's
just being redundant.
It's okay, Sam, I understand
about the car thing.
Oh, good.
I didn't mean to
put you on the spot.
And, uh, I want you to know
that, even though you won't
let me borrow your car,
there's no hard feelings.
And if I ever have
a car of my own,
and you want to
borrow it, it's yours.
Ah, I know what
you're trying to do.
You're trying to guilt me
into giving you my car.
No, I'm not. I wouldn't do that.
You're my best friend.
Ah, man, you're scum!
I mean it, Sam, I love you.
Hey, fine. Here,
take the damn car.
What just happened?
You outsmarted him.
So that's what it feels like.
Mom, Mom! The
opera was so great!
All the singing, and costumes.
This was the
best day of my life!
That's terrific, Lud.
I never seen him so excited.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, Carla, it was our pleasure.
He's an extraordinary child.
Yes, we had an
extensive discussion
on the way back about opera,
the arts, film...
Oh, Carla, may we take
Lud to the movies tonight?
There's a revival of
Koyaanisqatsi we'd love him to see,
and then we were thinking
he could sleep over,
We could have brunch and a
matinee of Peter and the Wolf.
Gee, I don't know.
He's never stayed
away from home before.
He's only six.
Please, Mommy? Please?
Oh, heck, you really
want to go that bad, huh?
Go, go, go ahead.
Have a good time.
Stay as long as you want.
I'll see you when you get back.
Thank you, Carla.
We'll take good care
of him, don't worry.
Well, that's that.
I lost my baby.
Listen, Sam, I hope it's okay
that I keep asking you this,
but I just want to
make sure one last time
that you haven't
changed your mind
about me using your car.
No, Woody.
No, you haven't
changed your mind
or no, I can't use your car
or no, it's not okay to ask?
No, get out of my
face before I hurt ya.
He's special.
Hey, Carla, still listening
to that opera stuff?
She can't hear you, Cliff.
She's got the music
blasting in her ear.
You mean she can't hear me
if I say she reminds me of
one of those little
plastic troll dolls?
Hey, what's...
what's the big idea?
I thought you couldn't hear me.
No, but I can see,
and you're ugly.
So, are you still cramming all
that high-Q stuff in your head?
You know, Sammy, I
don't have any choice.
I mean, ever since
Dr. Cyclops and Morticia
started introducing Lud
to all this culture crap,
it's like I don't have
anything to talk to him about.
So I'm listening
to all this music,
and I'm plowing through
all these books here.
Look at this.
Good heavens, man.
History of Modern Art.
Comprehensive Guide
to the World Of Opera.
Hollywood Wives.
Yeah, I'm getting
into literature, too.
I've read this.
Oh, man, who am I trying to kid?
I'm just stupid.
Hey, you are not stupid.
Oh, how would you
know? You're stupid.
If you were really stupid, you
wouldn't know that about me.
Good point.
Greetings, Carla.
We just dropped
your son off at home
after a lovely sojourn
at the Museum of Fine Art.
You know, that
child is such a love.
He's so bright,
inquisitive, creative.
He reminds me of
myself as a child.
Of course, he has more hair.
We were wondering if we could
treat Lud to
dinner this evening.
Come on, guys.
You've had him out
every night this week.
Besides, I had a special
family evening planned.
I was gonna cook
a big bowl of pasta,
and we're all gonna
sit around and watch
America's Most Wanted,
and see if we could
rat on our neighbors.
Yes, but, you see,
Carla, this is special, too.
I mean, I've just managed
to finagle reservations
for Magritte's.
It's the most exclusive
restaurant in all of Boston.
I never heard of it.
Precisely.
Carla, please.
It would mean
a lot to the child,
and I think Lud
would enjoy it also.
Oh, all right. Who cares?
More spaghetti
for the rest of us.
Hey, Fras.
Listen, why don't you invite
Carla to dinner with you?
Well, now, Sam, uh...
Carla is a fine woman
and a good friend.
Actually, she's neither.
And why would I
want to eat with her?
Frasier, dear, I think
we should invite Carla.
I think it would
be very, very nice.
Do you know what would
be very, very nice, Lilith?
If you would stop digging
your nails into my palm.
But I'm sure I'll choose
to see your point
before you draw blood.
Carla? Carla, what
say we make it four
at Magritte's tonight, huh?
You buying?
I'm going.
Well, good. We're on, then.
We'll call for you at 8:00.
By the way, Carla,
please bear in mind
that this is a very
posh establishment.
Need I say more?
Oh, no, no, no.
I get the picture
loud and clear.
I'll shave my legs.
I hope this table
is satisfactory.
Oh, this is wonderful.
You know, the place is
just as I had heard it was.
It's delightful.
Everything looks
absolutely exquisite.
The menu is a
delightful combination
of nouvelle and provincial
with a nod toward
domestic ingredients.
And get a load of
all this ambiance.
The artwork is stunning.
Yes, well, there's a delightful
example of modern art.
If I might venture a guess, I
would say it's a "Schnaybel."
It isn't.
But, even if it was, it would
be pronounced "Schnahbel."
Excuse me. It's
a little hard to tell
this far from our "tahbel."
That's funny, Mom.
Ludlow, please, we're
not here to have fun.
We're here to enjoy ourselves.
Now...
would it please everyone
if I ordered for
the whole table?
It would be delightful.
Fine. Thank you.
Now, I know that
Lilith's delicate constitution
is not amenable to shallots.
Is there anything else
I should be mindful of?
How considerate of
you to ask, Frasier.
Actually, I have a delicate
constitution, as well.
No extra-heavy barbecue sauce.
I'll be repeating
like a Howitzer.
Delightful.
Boy, this sure beats
taking the bus, doesn't it?
Just you and me, the open road.
I'm getting kind
of tired of driving.
What do you say
we park somewhere
and look at the
stars for a while?
Oh, that sounds nice, Woody.
Hey, Sam, where's a
good place to go next?
Make a right at the light!
And not so fast this time!
Thank you.
Oh, and please tell Paul
that the salad course
was an absolute treasure.
His subtle yet
assertive dressing
was the perfect
balance for the arugula.
I concur in spades.
He'll be pleased to hear it.
Well, shall we bouillabaisse?
Ah, now...
smell the piquant bouquet.
Taste it with every
part of your tongue,
and then let it just
dance down your throat.
Frasier, as usual,
your anticipation
is interfering with
my enjoyment.
Yeah, Eddie has
that problem, too.
Ludlow, you're not eating.
None for me, thanks, Dr. Crane.
He doesn't like fish.
Look, Carla, this
is not something
that comes out of your cupboard
in a tin can with
a mermaid on it.
This is fruits de mer.
At $32 a pop, I think the
lad should give it a try.
Now, Ludlow, you've
been very open-minded
about everything else.
Make him happy. Take a bite.
If you don't like it,
you can spit it out
in your napkin. See?
Carla, we are not
here to make me happy.
We are here to enrich
the lad's experience,
which, if I must say so, I
do believe is my provenance.
Now, Lud, you know we all
have certain things we don't like.
I detested fish
when I was a child,
but I kept eating it and,
finally, I overcame my aversion.
Likewise.
When I first met Frasier,
I detested him.
Yes, but the point
is you love me now.
And Lud will love bouillabaisse.
Try it.
Okay.
Eww! Fish!
You barely tasted the broth.
Give it a better
chance than that.
No! I want a hamburger!
This restaurant does
not serve hamburgers.
Now, eat your bouillabaisse.
No! This fishy soup stinks!
And I hate it!
What an imp!
Luddy? What are you doing?
I'm going to try to get
him out from under there.
No, Carla. Carla, that's
exactly what he wants you to do.
One must not play
the game by his rules.
Now, I've taught
a seminar or two
on developmental behavior,
and the first rule in
these acting-out situations
is to simply ignore
the offending child.
Just pretend that
he doesn't exist.
Eventually, he'll get
bored and come out.
So... what a lovely meal.
Mmm! Do you know, I heard
that the chef here
was a protégé of...
Do you smell something burning?
Yes. That's my shoe.
I heard that he
was a protégé of...
Your shoe is on fire? Yes.
Isn't that painful?
Excruciating.
But I'm not going
to give the child
the pleasure of
hearing me cry out.
So, you see,
it seems he was educated
in a small village on the Rhine.
He...
Oh, Lud.
One hotfoot might be
considered a puckish prank.
But, if you light
that other match,
it is the end of our tutelage.
Is that perfectly clear?
That's it!
That's it! I've had it!
That severs the relationship!
Frasier, everyone thinks
you're arguing with your clams.
Is there a problem here?
No, no. Of course not.
The boy just slipped
under the table,
and his mother was
about to get him out.
His mother. Uh... yes, yes.
Carla, could you
take care of this?
Gee, I don't know if I could.
I... I've never taken a
psychology seminar.
Sir, we have a very
nice table in the kitchen.
Please, Carla. Please, please.
Hey, Lud, burger time.
Yay!
Ha-ha! Hotfoot, huh?
My genes must be
in there somewhere.
Let's go, Mommy.
First, apologize to Dr. Crane.
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.
I guess I shouldn't
have acted this way.
Well, no hard feelings, son.
Let's have dinner again sometime
when you're about,
oh, in your late 30s.
Bye.
Bye.
Uh... I was wondering.
Do you have frog legs?
Why, yes.
They're nice pants.
No one will ever notice.
I always wanted to do that.
You're the best
mommy in the world.
Yeah. Tell me
something I don't know.
You know, Lilith,
I think we've all
learned something here tonight.
I'm going to try to
tell you what it is
before you coat my
blistering feet with butter
and drop me off at
the emergency room.
You see...
this incident has made
something very clear to me.
I... I believe my initial
instincts were correct.
We shouldn't have children.
I don't think I'd
make a good father.
I don't want to be a father.
I'll never be a father.
End of discussion.
Frasier, I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna be a daddy?
I'm gonna be a daddy!
Oh, Lilith, we must
come here more often.