Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 12 - Please Mr. Postman - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Excuse me, can I have
your attention please?

It is my pleasure, once again,

to present the Cheers
Employee of the Month Award.

And I am delighted to present
it to our very own, Sam Malone.

Congratulations. Bravo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I told you before I
don't want that thing.

And don't put my
picture on the wall, either.

I hate that stuff.

Oh, great speech, Sammy.



Fine.

Carla, you haven't been
offensive this month,

why don't you take it?

Get that thing away from me.

Woody?

Congratulations, you're
the Employee of the Month.

Wow, four months in a row!

I wasn't really expecting
this great honor.

I'm deeply moved.

You know, it takes more than
one person to win this award.

It takes teamwork.

I would like to thank my...

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪



♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, you know, same to ya!

That's it, I've had it.

I'm finished.

I've been embarrassed
for the last time. What?

I just came on to Rebecca

for the I-don't-know-
how-manyth time.

4,659.

Thank you, Carla.

And she shot me down once again.

Well, you know, that's it.

That's the last time
I'm gonna do that.

I'm gonna get my self
respect back starting right now.

Whoo! Feels damn
good, I'll tell you.

You know, Sam, there's one way

to get Rebecca that
you've overlooked.

Hold that self-respect thought.

What do you got?

You see, it's been
psychologically documented

that all human animals have
a neurotic hair-trigger response

to at least one of the
five sensory stimuli.

It could be anything, actually.

Oh, it's the sound of the surf
pounding against the shore,

the smell of honeysuckle
on a warm summer night,

the taste of a vintage
Chateauneuf du Pape,

fire-red fingernails dancing
through your chest hair...

a black lace teddy straining
against its fleshy cargo.

Frasier, man, snap out of it.

In a minute, Sam.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Some mornings

you get up, you look
at yourself in the mirror

and you've got to ask, "Why me?"

Cliffie, it's just a haircut.

It'll grow back.

Nah, I'm over that, Normie.

I got saddled with a job

of breaking in a
new postal employee.

Yeah, so I told the supervisor

to send the greenhorn down
here and I could size him up.

Boy, they made
you a trainer, huh?

Well, that sounds like a
compliment to me, Cliff.

You really are a civilian,
aren't you, Sammy?

It's a nightmare.

Those rookies, yeah,
they just get in your way,

ask you stupid questions,
throw off your whole rhythm.

Oh, God, this won't
slow down the mail, will it?

Uh-oh, Cliff, greenhorn alert.

Excuse me, Cliff Clavin?

I am.

I'm your trainee,
Margaret O'Keefe.

Straighten up, O'Keefe.
You're in uniform.

I wasn't informed
you were a woman.

Sorry, sir.

Well, no offense, sister,

but I just don't believe that
women belong in the trenches.

I mean, they're fine for
sorting mail or selling stamps,

but when you're
lugging a 40-pound sack

up a hill with a Nor'easter

hitting you right
smack in the kisser,

you don't have time to
fret about going home

and soaking your delicates.

I wear cotton briefs, sir.

That'll be enough
of that, O'Keefe.

Permission to speak freely, sir?

Permission granted.

I requested you as my trainer

because I want to learn hard

and I want to learn right.

I want to be the best carrier

in the department,
next to you, of course.

Because I love the post office

more than my life itself.

Good grief, there's another one.

The post office is in my blood;

my father was a carrier,
and his father before him.

It's been a life-long
dream of mine

to wear the eagle on my sleeve

and to be a part of
the few, the proud...

The undateable.

Oh, your attitude

is commendable there, O'Keefe.

Look, I think you better
mosey on home now

and grab some shuteye.

You're going to
need plenty of sleep.

Tomorrow is TV Guide day.

I'll do you proud, sir.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

Is it my imagination, or was
that woman coming on to me?

Cliffie, Walt Disney should
have had your imagination.

Say, hi, honey.

Um, Fras and I were just talking

about how sorry
we feel about you.

Why is that, Sam?

Well, it's just that you're
always stuck in your office,

you know, worrying about losses
and profits and career moves,

while we're out here

having fascinating,

fun-filled conversations

about things like, well,
like sexual stimuluses.

By the way, do you have,
do you have one of those?

Well, I am driven
to a sexual frenzy

by people who mind
their own business.

No, no, really, listen.

You know, it's
not like I'm going

to do anything
with it or anything.

Okay, I'll be honest with you.

I do have one and
I'll give you a hint.

A hint? Great, why?

Because you'll never get it.

And I mean that in
every sense of the word.

It's a song.

That's it? It's a song?

Mm-hmm.

One little tiny song that
turned my knees to butter

when I was a
teenager and still does.

Good luck, Sam.

The clock is ticking.

Name that tune.

This is great; a song.

Man, you were right, Frasier.

Thank you.

Wow, what luck, huh?

I mean, how many
songs can there be?

I've been going over
the books, Norm,

and I think it's time
to pay your tab.

Oh, gee, thanks, Rebecca.

I mean, it's time for
you to pay your tab.

Me? I paid it last month.

Okay, okay, fine.

♪ Blue on blue... hea... ♪

No.

♪ Cherish is the
word that I... ♪

No.

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby ♪

Right, Sam, I was insane.

I'll find it.

Sam, why don't you
try "Che Gelida Manina"

from La Boheme?

It can be almost achingly
poignant when executed correctly

and it does turn Lilith
into a cheap tramp.

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,

aren't you overlooking
the obvious here?

Yeah? What's that?

"Ballad of The Green Berets."

Oh, that's a great song.

♪ Fighting soldiers
from the sky. ♪

Anybody who isn't
totally moved by that song

is somebody I
don't want to know.

Cliff, in honor of that song,

why don't you put
on a little green beret,

go outside and
sit on a land mine?

Oh, there you are, Cliff.

Ooh, it's Cliff now, eh?

Training must be
going very well.

She's a natural.

I'm really sorry about today.

I can't believe I missed that
entire apartment building.

Ah, the tradition continues.

Listen, Margaret, why
don't we sit down over here

away from those who
merely wait for the mail?

There you go.

Park it right there.

I just want to tell you, Cliff,

that I couldn't have made it
through training without you.

You'll be graduating
with honors.

Really?

Well, how could you not, with
the recommendation I gave you?

Oh, Cliff, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

In honor of your
achievement, I, uh,

went out and
got you a little gift.

Thank you.

You really shouldn't have.

Arch supports.

Yeah, yeah.

I got you the large size, too.

I noticed you've got a pretty
hefty pair of dogs down there.

Cliff, you are so considerate.

What we've been through
together has been so special.

Yeah.

I wish there was a way
I could be closer to you.

Ah, scootch on over.

No, I didn't... Oh, never mind.

This is so embarrassing.

I'm not good at this. I mean,

why would a man like you

even consider someone like me?

What? What in God's name
are you trying to say here?

Cliff, do you find
me attractive?

I mean, physically?

Cliff, do you want
to be with me?

I want to be with you.

So it's a date.

I'll come over to your
place tomorrow night.

My place?

No. hey, Margaret,
Margaret, whoa, hold on there.

Listen, uh, last month my mother
came out and stayed a while,

and she got to know
the neighbors real well,

and I don't want word
getting back to her

that her son does bad things.

Then, uh, why don't we
meet at that little motel

just outside Zone 27?

Tomorrow night after work?

Yeah, I guess I could make it.

Hi, Cliff.

Hi, Margaret.

Come on in.

I, uh, hope you like the room.

It's... it's got a view.

Oh, the ice machine.

It's just like you to
think of everything.

So...

So.

So, uh, let me grab
your jacket there.

Cliff, I know this is
an awkward moment.

Couldn't we just
somehow get past it?

I'm for that.

Oh, Maggie! Maggie! Maggie!

Oh, Cliff! Oh, Maggie!

Yes?

It's the police!

My first time and
I get arrested.

We aren't doing
anything illegal.

Answer the door.

Yes, officer?

Excuse me.

We're questioning
all the guests.

Do you know anything

about this postal
vehicle parked outside?

It was reported stolen.

I, uh, no, I don't know
anything about it, Officer.

Sorry to bother you.

Yeah, not at all, sir.

What, are you crazy?

You, you drove a postal
vehicle to a sleazy motel?!

I was running late, and I
didn't want to keep you waiting.

Keep me waiting?

Well, for crying
out loud, Margaret.

You signed that vehicle
out in your own name.

Oh, boy.

You've had it
now. You've had it.

Oh, they're gonna drum
you right out of the service.

Well, Cliff, you've
got to help me.

You've got to make up
a story to cover for me.

You want me to lie?

You want me to
jeopardize my career?

This is my life.

This is my dream.

This is my shoulder.

This is our story.

Hello, Mrs. Howe?

Um, I work with your daughter.

My name is Sam Malone.

See, I'm calling

to find out what Rebecca's
favorite song was

when she was in school.

We're throwing this
little party for her.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, well, thank you.

Yes, I do. Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

"You've Lost That
Loving Feeling."

Oh, no, Sam, I'm
just a little tired.

No, Woody, no.

That's Rebecca's song.

Hold the bar down here
for a minute, will ya?

I got to get something
out of my car.

Hey, Sammy.

Woody, a bottle of
bubbly, tout de suite.

All right, Cliffie's in
a celebrating mood.

That hearing must have
gone pretty well, huh?

Perfect, Norm.

Margaret was
completely exonerated.

You really snowed 'em, huh?

Like a blizzard in
Buffalo, my friend.

Yeah, I told the supervisor
that we were set upon

by some armed thugs who
then commandeered the vehicle

and took it for a joyride.

A joyride in a mail truck?

Cliffie, I've beaten
those things on foot.

Clavin, what's come over you?

I mean you're lying
to your superiors,

you're breaking rules,
you're covering up.

It's almost like you're
developing a personality.

Well, Carla, the King of
England abdicated his throne

for the love of a good woman.

The least I could
do is tell a little fib.

Well, as we say
down at the post office,

here's looking up your address.

Come on, Maggie, bottoms up.

I can't, Cliff.

Why?

How can we celebrate?

We dishonored the uniform.

I don't feel worthy to wear it.

Yeah, I understand.

Look, uh...

why don't we go
back to that motel,

lie down and talk about it, huh?

No, Cliff.

Do you think I fell for you

because you're a
handsome, sexy man?

I fell for you because
you're handsome inside.

But now, even though I'm
the one that corrupted you,

you are corrupt.

We're both dirty inside.

Well, let's go
back to the motel,

they cater to people like us.

No, I can't be with you anymore.

I don't feel what I
felt before. I'm sorry.

Well, uh, is there any
way we could, you know,

get that feeling back?

We can tell them the truth.

Oh, no, Margaret.

See, if you tell them the truth,
they're gonna know that I lied.

Yes, but with your record,

the worst that
will happen to us,

is that we'll get a
slap on the wrist,

and then we can
get on with our lives.

You know what's going
to happen, don't ya?

What we did back at that motel

is going to become
part of the postal record.

I can live with that.

Me, too.

Do you think they'd
give us a copy of that?

You think they really
rode the carnal carrousel?

I think it's possible.

What a thought.

I know.

If you don't mind, I'd
kind of like to forget it.

Hey, everybody.

This is Station WSAM.

50,000 watts of power-packed
love coming your way.

I'll be spinning the
platters that matter here,

and this next moldy oldie
is dedicated to the one I lust.

Who is it?

The Righteous Brothers. Uh-oh.

Hello there, butter knees.

♪ Whoa, my love ♪

♪ My darling ♪

♪ I've hungered for your touch ♪

♪ A long lonely time ♪

♪ And time... ♪

♪ Goes by so slowly ♪

♪ And time can do so much ♪

♪ Are you still mine? ♪

♪ I need your love... ♪

Rebecca, this tab, look...

♪ I need your love... ♪

So, uh, I can pay
this anytime you want.

I don't know what got into me.

Please, apologize to Vera.

Are you kidding?

After that, Vera
should apologize to me.

Hey, Mr. Peterson, how'd
it go with Miss Howe?

Much better than I
expected, Woody.

A slap on the wrist she says.

With your record, all we'll get
is a severe reprimand, she says.

So what happens?

She gets fired and I get six
weeks walking dreaded Zone 19.

Zone 19?

Rottweiler Ridge, Norm.

Oh, what the heck.

At least I won back the respect
of the woman I love, huh?

Maggie, what are you doing here?

Cliff, I've got to talk to you.

What's up?

After I was fired, I
wandered around aimlessly,

nowhere to go and
didn't know what to do.

And as I was
crossing the bridge,

I actually thought I'd
do something desperate.

Oh, no, you don't mean...

Yes, UPS.

Then I thought,
why should I do that?

There are alternatives.

And I came up with
a wonderful idea.

The Canadian Postal Service.

Canada?

Geez, why would you
want to go up there?

The mail's the mail, Cliff.

It knows no national boundaries.

Come with me.

What?

I've got two tickets, Cliff.

We could start a
new life there together.

Geez, Maggie, I don't know.

Go, marry her, be happy.

Just don't have any children.

What the heck, I mean,
we've come this far.

We might as well go the
whole nine yards, huh?

Let's go!

Hold on a second.

I'll be right with you.

Normie, pal of mine,

I'll be seeing ya.

It's for the best.

Cliff, did you just
kiss me on the neck?

I don't know what it is.

Nobody can keep
their lips off me today.

Fras, take care of yourself.

Carla, I forgive you.

Sammy. Cliff, wait a minute.

Hey, man, just think
about this for a minute.

You've only known
the girl for about a week.

I mean, all you've shared is one
night in a motel and a huge lie.

That's enough for me, Sammy.

Cliff, why don't you consider

what you'd be giving up.

Your job, your
seniority, your pension.

Hey, Doc, have a gander

at what I'm going to be gaining.

All right, Maggie,
hitch up those huskies.

Canada, here we come.

Uh, Cliff, Cliff...
Wait a minute, man.

Give this some thought.

Think about what
you're doing here.

I know what you guys are
doing, and I appreciate it,

but there's nothing
you could do or say

that would make
me change my mind.

♪ Fearless men
who jump and die ♪

♪ Men who mean
just what they say ♪

♪ The brave men
of the Green Beret. ♪

Margaret, you're a fine woman,

but I can't leave my country.

My place is here, in America.

I can't leave my home.

Can't you, can't you
stay here with me?

I'm a mail carrier, Cliff.

I have to deliver the mail.

I understand.

But Cliff, it'll be so terrible.

I'll... I'll be so
cold and all alone.

Who will keep me warm?

You'll do fine, Margaret.

Women have that
extra layer of fat.

Carry on, O'Keefe.

I'll never forget
you, Cliff Clavin.

Good-bye.

♪ 100 men will test one day ♪

♪ But only three wear
the Green Beret. ♪