Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 11 - Adventures in Housesitting - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

It's amazing what they're making

for kids nowadays. What?

Here's an ad for a toy
where you make a monster,

then drop him in a vat of acid

and boil the skin off his bones.

Oh, boy, Norm.
When we were kids,

we had real toys to
play with. Remember?

Oh, you're damn straight.

You know, I was up in
my attic the other day.

Yeah? Found my
old Lionel train set.



Oh, now there is a toy. Yeah.

Remember the hours you spent
sticking those tracks together?

Getting the little
houses just so,

and making sure those
tunnels were all straight.

Yeah. Smelling the electricity
burn up that transformer.

Hey, hey.

Did you ever have

one of those
electric cattle cars

where the cows come
vibrating down the chute?

I can move 40 head
in ten minutes, pal.

Go on! Get out of here.

You get out of
here! I could, too.

I got to get rid of
that thing though.

It's taking up lots of
space. I want to sell it.



Yeah, yeah. You'd get a
good price for it, I bet you.

Yeah. It's a collector's item.

Shoot a little stick?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm the engineer!

Like hell you are!

It's my train! It's my train!

Hey!

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Sam, give me a double.

A little early

for that, huh, Doc?

Well, maybe you're right.

Cancel that double.
Make it a single.

Oh, skip it altogether.

No, on second thought, you know,

make it a single,
a little extra nip.

Frasier, what's your order?

Cup of coffee.

You got troubles?

Well, I've... I've just been
invited to deliver a paper

at the State Psychiatric
Convention this week,

and I've got a first-class
case of the jitters.

You know, I have
a... a sure-fire way

of keeping yourself calm.

Picture your audience naked.

Oh, thank you, Carla,

for that old chestnut
from Speech 101.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I got a twist on it.

Picture them naked
and wearing black socks.

Oh, Carla, that's ridiculous.

I can't see that that would...

I told you. It works.

Okay, now try this angle.

Now shut up.

Fine. You know, I do
see your point though.

That could do just the trick.

Thank you, Carla.

Sure. Oh! Here comes

a likely candidate.

Try it out on her.

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Miss Howe.

It doesn't work with everyone.

Miss Howe, I have
a message for you.

Mr. Sheridan is having
lunch up in Melville's,

and he's gonna be coming down

to talk to you
when he's through.

Oh, great. Sheridan.

Another one of the legions
of presidents, vice presidents

and consultants this
corporation belches forth

every five minutes.

Boy, it seems like you
have to be a real loser

not to be at least
a vice president

in that company, doesn't it?

I'm sorry.

He is undoubtedly here to
ask me some humiliating,

menial favor that he couldn't

palm off on some other flunky.

You know, today I draw the line.

Today, this gal is
going to shoot down

her first corporate bigwig.

Oh, please.

The first time you try
to stand up to this guy,

you're going to crumble
like a bag of potato chips.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Smart Guy?

Yeah. Watch me.

I'm watching you.

Oh, Miss Howe.

Mr. Sheridan.

I'd like to ask you a favor.

I see.

I'm going to New
York on a business trip

for a few days, and I'd like you

to take care of my
dog while I'm away.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Sheridan,

but I have plans
for the entire week,

and I could not
possibly break them.

I hope you understand.

That's fine. I realize

this is short notice.

Thanks, anyway.

My plans could be changed.

Please, sir, let... let
me do this for you.

Well, if you don't think
it would be any trouble.

Thank you, Miss Howe.

Oh, no, sir.

Thank you for the opportunity
of knowing your dog.

God, I make myself sick!

What'll it be, Dr. Crane?

The usual.

What's so funny?

What's so funny?

It's a private joke, Sam.

Hey, there, Rebecca.

How do you like living
with Sheridan's pooch?

Sir Bronwyn the Gallant
from Fairhaven Manor,

better known as Buster, is fine.

I, on the other hand,
am a nervous wreck.

What's the matter, Rebecca?

Well, I knew I was going to have

to take care of the dog,

but I didn't know it was going

to be in a place that was huge

and kind of like a mausoleum

and is stuck way out in
the middle of the moors.

There are no moors
in Massachusetts.

I think they had them
flown in or something.

The point is,

this place is big and
scary and I really hate it.

Oh, and to make matters
even worse, last night,

the only thing I could get
on television was this movie

about this young, beautiful,
dark-haired woman,

that was all alone

in this deserted house.

Hey, what about that scene
where the guy cuts her head off?

Woody, please.

There's no way her
head's gonna come off

in one clean cut like that.

Believe me, I've seen
my uncle butcher hogs,

and you have to hack
and hack and hack.

And when the gardener got it?

Woody, that's enough!

All right. Don't spoil the
ending for everybody else.

Yeah, but when you
see it, take my advice

and turn away when you
hear, vrooom-mm-mm-mm!

Vrooom-mm-mm-mm!

Woody! Woody.

I am just a tiny bit on edge.

Oh. Sorry, Miss Howe.

Stop it, Woody!

Some bar manager,
afraid of a blender.

Let me see here.

Rebecca Howe,
all alone and scared

in a big old house.

Sounds to me like a job

for Sammy's Security Company.

We get in before
the burglars do.

That's what I like
about you, Sam.

Your pants are always thinking.

Frasier, darling.

Hello, there, Peanut Butter Cup.

You know, you're late for lunch.

Yes, I know. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sure you have
a very good excuse.

Well, actually, I do.

I started having lunch
at another restaurant,

then remembered we had a date.

Oh. Well, would you
like to watch me eat?

I wouldn't miss it.

What's so funny?

Oh, it's nothing, really.

It's just this relaxation
exercise I've been doing.

I've been imagining

people naked and
wearing black socks,

you see, to relieve my
anxiety over my speech.

Frankly, it's worked miracles.

I've been doing it all week.

I haven't even
thought about it once.

When do you present that?

My, God.

Buster, did you hear that?

Calm down.

Probably wasn't anything.

It was probably
just a tree branch

against the window.

Or Leatherface.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God, Buster.

He's at the front door.

Good dog.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, God!

How in the hell
did you get in here?

Well, you left the
back door open.

I just followed some
guy carrying a meat hook.

That is real funny, Sam.

You almost gave
me a heart attack.

I'm... I'm sorry.

It's all right. I'm here now.

It wasn't funny. I'm sorry.

Right. I have to admit,
I'm glad you are here.

When the lights went
out, and the storm came,

I started getting
scared to death.

What happened to that
$10,000 champion watchdog?

He's hiding in the kitchen.

Oh, God! I can't
seem to calm down.

My heart's just beating so fast.

Oh, yes, it is.

Sam, get your
hand away from that.

I was doing pretty good
till the lights went out.

Then this house really
started giving me the creeps.

Oh, well, hey don't worry.

I've got some candles here.

You brought your own candles?

Well, yeah. This kind of thing

happens in big, old,
spooky houses a lot.

I like to be prepared.

Sammy carries whatever he needs.

Sam, did you come out here

because you were
concerned I was scared,

or did you come out
here to get me in the sack?

Hey, I came out here

because I was concerned

and scared that I'd
never get you in the sack.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

You know, Sam,

I really am glad you're here.

It makes me feel a lot better.

But a man and a woman

can be together in an evening

without ending up
rolling on the floor.

Well, I know that's
true of some people,

but, sweetheart,
we're good-looking.

Sam...

What? Sit down here a minute.

I want to tell you something.

Okay.

Now, believe this or not...

Even good-looking people

can spend an evening
together without having sex.

Have you ever heard
of conversation?

Yeah, I've heard
of conversation.

You know,

contrary to what a
lot of people think,

I'm not that dumb.

Here, come on. Try me.

Sit down. Let's conversate.

Okay, so what do
you want to talk about?

Sex.

You know, sex is obviously

the only thing on
your mind, so forget it.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, that's good with me.

I am going to bed alone.

If you want to stay here,

you sleep on the couch.

Oh, come on.

I can sleep on a
couch at my place.

Fine. Go sleep on your couch.

All right.

If that's what you want.

I'll leave you all alone

in this big, old scary house.

Hoo!

I'm moving the table.

Don't pull a muscle.

I'm serious.

I'm moving the chair.

You're breaking my heart.

I got my hand on the doorknob.

I'm opening the door.

Sam, don't!

I knew it. Pajama time!

Not you! The dog!

What?

Buster!? Buster!?

Whoo! Boy, can that sucker haul.

He's gone!

Well, hey, don't worry about it.

He's a hearty breed.

Speaking of breeding...

Are you crazy?

There's a champion dog,

and I'm responsible for him.

If it takes me all night,
I'm going to find that mutt.

No. Don't.

Buster!?

Oh, hell.

Oh!

Might as well turn
the electricity back on.

So, please, i-if you find
him, you've got this number.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

Please, please, please,

let it be somebody
that found him.

Did anybody find the dog?

Listen, little lady,
we're not looking

for Aunt Fannie's
amethyst pendant here.

This is a highly
organized search party.

We're gonna conduct this
debriefing by the numbers.

All right.

Alpha Sector report. Negative.

Bravo Sector? Negative.

Charlie Sector?

Shut up, Cliff.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Sheridan.

Wow, you know, Norm,
I-I can't get over this place.

I think I'll do something
like this with my living room.

What are you talking about?

You live in 28 square feet

and your bed
folds out of a couch.

You're gonna what?

Wha... All right, sir. Bye-bye.

Oh, God, he came home early.

He's on his way
home from the airport!

All right, men,

I suggest we fall back
to our original positions.

What are you talking about?

To the bar! Back to the bar!

Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

Well, I guess I deserve this.

I'm always doing stupid
favors for everybody.

I guess it finally
caught up with me.

No, no, don't do that,
please. I hate it when you cry.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, wait, wait, wait, come on.

I'll tell Sheridan it was
all my fault, all right? Fine.

Wait up, guys!

That's great. Really nice.

Oh, God!

What is it?

A car.

It's Sheridan; we're doomed.

Uh...

Woody! You found him! Ah.

Oh, God, I don't
know who to kiss first!

Well, I just had a breath mint.

Buster!

Hey, man, way to go.

Where'd you find him?

Oh, at an auto wrecking yard.

What were you doing there?

Just browsing.

Oh, Buster, Buster,
good old Buster.

Oh, no, that's not
Buster, that's Satan.

What? SAM: Who?

I was brushing the
snow off of the hubcaps,

and I saw Satan here chewing
through a tire, and I thought

you know, he looks just
like that picture of Buster.

So I borrowed him, in case
we don't find the other dog.

Woody, take him to the kitchen.

I only hope we can fool
Sheridan with this flea bag.

He's no flea bag, Miss Howe.

He's a trained attack dog.

Come on, sweetheart.

An attack dog?

He brings an attack
dog into this house?

Come on, his heart's
in the right place.

Hello?

Oh, God, you found him?

Hm?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah. Give me your address.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll come and
get him right now.

A neighbor at the end
of the road found him.

Here's the address.
You go get him.

I'm on my way. Woody?

Bring Satan out here, please.

Woody, we found Buster.

You can take Satan
back to the junkyard.

But, Miss Howe, he hasn't
finished his snack yet.

I gave him something
out of the refrigerator.

Well, actually, he opened the door
and took it, but I got out of the way.

Woody, whatever. J-Just
take him out of here.

Go, go, hurry.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Sheridan's here.
He just drove up.

Woody, cancel that. Sam... Yeah?

Uh, y-you go around the
back way and get Buster.

All right? Woody, you take Satan

into the kitchen and
get him some kibble.

We hope that Sam gets back in time
with Buster, so we don't have to use him,

but if he doesn't get
back in time with Buster,

then we have to convince
Sheridan that Satan is Buster,

until Sam gets back and we
can switch Buster for Satan.

Or I could just put steak sauce on
my throat and let Satan chow down.

Uh, I understand everything
perfectly, Miss Howe.

Come on, Sam,
let's get your kibble.

I was just kidding, Miss Howe.

I'm back.

Where's my big boy?

Where's my Buster?

What, no hello? No
description of the trip?

No slides? I finished early
so I caught a late flight.

Here, boy!

Where are you,
boy? Here, Buster!

He is, um...

He's sleeping in the
kitchen. That's right.

Miss Howe, who's this man?

This man?

He's Woody.

He's my boyfriend.

Wow, Miss Howe.

Your boyfriend
calls you Miss Howe?

I was his teacher.

I got real lonely,

a-and I thought I'd call
him over here for company.

I hope you don't mind.

No, of course not.

Now, listen, I'm very tired.

I just want to say hi to
my dog and then go to bed.

So if you don't mind.

You want us to leave?

He wants us to leave, Woody.

Great! How about a
burger and a movie?

Then we can go
someplace and park.

Later!

First, I'd like to stand
here and have a little chat

with Mr. Sheridan
about his trip. Not now.

I want to see Buster.

No, Mr. Sheridan! Yes, Miss
Howe. Come on, Buster, let's wrestle!

Woody, we can't let him do
this. Well, don't worry, Miss Howe.

He won't attack unless he hears
the command word, "Cochise."

Cochise? Well, he's
never gonna say that.

Or unless he provokes him.

Take that, big boy.

I got your tail
now, I got your tail!

Hey, it worked... He
thinks that's his dog.

Yeah, right. If he
lives, we fooled him.

Sammy to the rescue!

Sam, get that mutt out of here!

What? Sheridan's in
the kitchen with Satan!

This is no time
for folk singing.

Oh, oh, oh! Well...
what are we gonna do?

All right, go out the front,
sneak around the back.

I'll try to divert Sheridan's
attention while you make the switch.

But remember, they
look exactly alike.

All right, all right.

Come on, boy, come on.

Boy, Buster's frisky.

I was playing "get my thumb,"

and he was practically
bouncing off the ceiling.

Well, I bet he was just so glad

to have you back.
Yeah. Well, I'm gonna

feed him now, Miss Howe.

No, I already fed him.

We ordered out. Chinese.

That sounds like two
dogs in there. Mr. Sheridan,

there's something that I've
been wanting to ask you.

Is this a bowling trophy?

No, it's my late wife's ashes.

She was a good-sized woman.

Excuse me, I want
to see to Buster.

Mission accomplished.

I made the switch.
Satan's in the car.

Oh...

Well, there was
only Buster in there.

Good! Well, I'll be going.

Bye-bye!

Good night.

Miss Howe!

Who's that man?

Uh, I'm her boyfriend.

That's right. He's my boyfriend.

Miss Howe, we have to talk.

Look at him. You're not so tough

when you're not running
around loose, are ya?

I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Cliff.

If you look very
closely, you'll see he has

several tiny little mailbags
notched on his leash.

Yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah,
I'm real scared, Norm.

Look at me shake.

Woody,

I thought you were gonna
return the hound from hell.

Oh, the guy's coming
for him tomorrow.

Unless, of course,
you'd like to reconsider

and keep him as our mascot.

That's exactly
what this bar needs:

a loaded weapon that goes
off when you say the word,

C-O-C-H-I-S-E.

Great! Spelled it right.

Greetings, all. SAM: Hey, Doc.

Oh, there's a sturdy fellow.

Hello, boy.

What's this?

"Don't say 'Cochise'
to this dog."

Woody, he didn't attack.

No, he didn't.

Maybe he didn't
hear the attack word.

Frasier?

Cochise!

Cochise. Cochise, Cochise.

This is Buster!

I thought you were
gonna make the switch!

Well, I did, but they were tearing
at each other, and it got confusing.

I was trying to separate them

and protect my goodies
at the same time.

Hey, if this isn't
Satan, then Satan is...

Chewing the spleen
out of Mr. Sheridan.

All right, Sam,

hand me the phone.

Woody, come around
here and untie Buster.

I've got to call
Mr. Sheridan and warn him.

We've got to make
another switch.

Hello. This is Rebecca Howe.

Yes, I need to speak
to Mr. Sheridan, please.

I don't care if he's asleep!

Wake him up, this
is an emergency.

Well, all right, would
you please just go upstairs

and tell the man not to say the
word "Cochise" around his dog.

Well, wait... I just remembered
the attack word isn't "Cochise,"

it's that other Indian name.

Woody, what other Indian name?

There are a million other
Indian names, my friend.

There's, uh, Crazy Horse,

Sitting Bull,
Pocahontas, Geronimo.

That's it!

Go away! Go away!

Hey, he's got Mr. Clavin
trapped in the men's room.

That's okay... we can
use the one up at Melville's.

Oh, hey, hey, it's
okay, I got the, uh...

I got the number of that guy
from the auto wrecking yard.

I can call him and get the
counter-command. I'll do it.

Oh, hello, Mr. Sheridan.

Sorry, I have the wrong number.

Hello? Hi. I'm
calling for Woody.

We need the
counter-command for Satan.

Get out of here,
you beast from hell!

Okay, thanks.

Did you get it?

Yeah.

Well, what is it?

Good night, everyone!

Good night, everyone! Satan!

Good night, everyone!

It doesn't work.