Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 10 - Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, hi, Dr. Sternin.

Dr. Crane isn't here.

I know. He's at home,
and that's why I'm not.

Whoa-ho!

Trouble in Casa de Wacko?

Not really.

Scotch, Woody.

I'm just not looking
forward to going home.

Frasier's giving me

every indication
that he expects me



to indulge in another one of
his silly little fantasies tonight,

but it's really rather personal.

I know just what you mean.

Husbands can drive you
nuts about stuff like that.

Take my Eddie.

He borrowed this
fairy princess costume

from the ice show.

Really.

Every Friday night,
I have to dress up

and put a magic
sex spell on him.

Well, as long as we're sharing,

here's what I have
waiting for me.

Every so often, Frasier likes

to regress to his childhood.



First, he insists on
calling me Mommy.

I fix him cinnamon
toast and strawberry milk.

Then it's bath time...
One of my favorites...

Followed by my
tucking him into bed

and singing "All the
Pretty Little Horses."

After that, we make love
until the windows rattle.

Men! They're really
something, aren't they?

Oh, by the way, about
all that fairy princess stuff?

I was just kidding.

So was I.

Oh, right, Mommy.

Hey, guys, get a load of this!

Oh! Carla! Carla!

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Hey, Mr. Peterson. There's
a cold one waiting for you.

I know. And, if she
calls, I'm not here.

You're just the man
I want to see here.

Listen, I want you taste
this Bloody Mary for me.

Oh, please, Sammy. Not again.

We did this all day yesterday.

And we're going to do it all
day today until we get this right.

Now, listen up, everybody.

I am not losing the
Bloody Mary contest

to Gary's Olde
Towne Tavern again.

Now, please.

I got Rebecca out there.

I got Carla out there.

They all got their
little jobs to...

The least you can
do is taste this for me.

All right, all right.

There you go.

Huh?

What do you think?

Not bad, Sammy. Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, it's a
little thick, but, uh...

All in all,

I'd have to say it was...

That's great. I get the
point, man. That's very funny.

No, no. I actually... I
rather liked that one.

Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa.

Would you guys stop
horsing around here?

I'm serious. I want this guy
Gary, and I want him bad.

I am tired of having him

do everything better than we do.

He's got a better softball team,

a better tag football team.

Better T-shirts.

They have T-shirts?

Here. I'll show you.

Oh, yeah.

I've got that one in red.

Ooh! They have them in red now?

But you got to preorder.

They're 100% cotton.

All the sizes are very true.

I'll order one this afternoon.

Listen, you guys are
not taking me seriously.

I mean it. I want to hurt
this guy where he lives.

Speaking of that, have
you seen his house?

He's renovating this
beautiful old Victorian.

It's on the cover of Boston
magazine. I saw that.

I hear he's coming out
with a new T-shirt of it, too.

You guys are not helping me.

Sammy, I'm back.

Well, what took you so long?

I just spent the last two hours

wandering through the
streets of Chinatown,

thanks to your
brilliant directions.

What? What?

"Look for a shop with a dead
duck hanging in the window."

I defy you to find a
shop in Chinatown

without a dead
duck in the window.

Anyway...

I got it.

You are looking
at the last ounce

of black cardamom on
the Eastern seaboard.

Ooh...

Nice. Sammy, let's
see that stuff, huh?

Sammy, you
really think that stuff

is going help us
win the contest?

Are you kidding me?

Wait until you
see what this does

to the taste of a Bloody Mary.

Whoo, boy!

This is pretty
pungent stuff, huh?

Oh, my God! My allergy.

Did someone bring some
black cardamom in here?

Woody! It's all gone!

Great. There goes the contest.

Well, big deal. In
about 20 minutes,

I'm going to swell
up like a blowfish.

Well, what... what are
we supposed to do now?

Usually, I pack my face in ice.

Sam, guess what
I've got under my coat.

If I guess right,
can I keep them?

No, you idiot.

I've got some of Gary's
top secret Bloody Mary mix.

Hey, way to go, Rebecca!

Baby, how did you get it?

How do you think I got it?

You did that dorky twirl,

and, when he laughed,
you grabbed it and ran.

Okay, fine. Forget it.

I'm not going to tell you.

Oh, come on. We
won't make fun of you.

All right. That
thing Carla said.

Well, I'm the one that got it.

Well, that's good. That's good.

Now I'm going to take it down

to the company
pharmaceutical division

and have it analyzed

to find out Gary's
secret ingredient.

No, no. No need
to do that, Rebecca.

Sammy, pour me a
shot of that concoction.

I'll tell you
exactly what's in it.

Oh, man, I don't know.

No, no, no. I've got
very sensitive taste buds.

As a matter of fact,
in medieval times,

Clavins were the royal tasters.

I heard they were
royal something.

Well, I don't know what's in it,

but Gary makes the best
Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.

All right, Sammy,

set me up with a
shot of that, huh?

Let me have some of that.

Hey, hey, you guys,
don't drink it all.

I have to take some to the lab.

This is great.

Gary deserves to win
this contest every year.

It's almost worth cramming
myself into this dress.

Hey, I'd dress up as a hooker

to get some of this stuff.

Oh, come on, you guys.

It can't be that special.

I suppose you're
going to tell me

that Cheers has never
made a Bloody Mary this good.

Sammy, Cheers never
made anything this good.

I wonder what's in it.

Well, we know there's
black cardamom in it.

Damn it, Woody!

Ah! Cheers...

where good times go to die.

Well, well, well!

If it isn't Gary from
Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.

Look, pal, didn't I tell you

if you step one
more foot in here

you'd have me to answer to?

Yeah, and I told you
if you got in my way

you'd wind up in
the next zip code.

Then we have had
this discussion, huh?

Now, I brought a little present
to my friends at Cheers.

Oh, yeah? What's that, Gary?

Towels for you to cry into

after I win the
Bloody Mary contest.

You know what I'd like
to do with that towel?

I'd like to shove
that up your nose,

pull it out your
mouth a couple times,

and buff up your
sinuses for you.

Oh, as if you could.

Oh, I could.

You could not.

Could too.

Could not.

Could too.

Could not!

Could too!

Way to go, Sammy!

See me slip that
"could too" in there?

Well, you won that one, Malone.

But that's

the last thing
you're going to win.

Hey, big shot, we
won this contest

the first two years they had it.

Well, since I opened,
I've won the last four.

All that proves is
that you've won it

twice as much as we have.

How did you like that, Sam?

Let me handle this, Woody.

Just get going. Get
out of here, would you?

Is this the thanks I get

for my heartfelt gift?

No.

This is.

Oh, that's nice.

I see you're still hiring
the cool Grace Kelly type

for waitresses.

Choke on it!

Okay, okay, I'm going back
to the Olde Towne Tavern,

where

my exclusive satellite coverage

of the World
Welterweight title fight

is about to get underway.

Hey.

Hey, wait. Hey, come on.

Where the hell do
you think you're going?

Uh... just taking
a little stroll.

Ah! That was
refreshing, wasn't it?

Hey, Doc. What's going on?

Well, for one thing, I find
myself baching it again.

Lilith finally blow
her brains out?

No. But thank you for
asking after her, Carla.

So where is the
lovely Dr. Sternin?

Well, she's in
Albany for a few days

attending a conference
on gender stereotyping.

Gender stereotyping?

Yes. It's unfairly attributing
certain modes of behavior

exclusively to one sex.

That sounds kind of boring.

Why did she go to that?

Who knows?

You know women.

I can't tell you how
honored we are

that you've chosen our bar

as the site of the
Bloody Mary contest.

Well, we were going to hold it

at Gary's Olde Towne Tavern,

but they're just so
darn crowded in there.

Well, you know,

you'll never have
that problem here.

Well, I better be going.

I have to drop off a set
of rules at Gary's Tavern.

So long.

Bye.

What the hey?
That's Gary on the TV.

We hid a secret camera in
a competitor's establishment.

Let's hear what they have to
say about Gary's Bloody Marys.

Boy, I don't know
what's in that,

but Gary makes the best
Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.

Really?

Gary deserves to win
this contest every year.

Thank you very much.

And you'd be surprised

what some people would do

to get a hold of my
Bloody Mary mix.

Hey, I'd dress up like a
hooker to get some of this stuff.

But you can get a
pretty good Bloody Mary

just about anywhere
in town. Isn't that right?

Cheers never made a
Bloody Mary this good.

If you say so, Sam
Malone of Cheers.

Anybody know the way to Gary's?

I'll give you a lift.

I can't believe that
weasel filmed us!

Oh, that stunt tears
it. Now I'm mad.

Yeah, I can tell. How?

That little vein bulging
in my forehead?

No.

My nostrils flaring?

No.

My jaw is clenched?

No.

Well, then, how can you tell?

You just said, "Now I'm mad."

Yeah, well, now I'm really mad.

Yeah, I can tell. How?

I'll tell you something.
This is war. This is total war.

No prisoners, no truce,
no amnesty, no nothing.

Only one of us is going to
walk out of there standing.

Well, what are you
going to do, Sam?

Well, for one, to
really mess him up,

we're going to have
to infiltrate his bar.

Yeah. Oh, let me do it, Sam.

Please. Let me do it.

You know, I've taken a
lot of makeup classes.

I can... I can put on a disguise

and get in there without
anyone knowing about it.

Woody, I don't think so.

Oh, come on. Let me do it.

I feel responsible.

I'm the one who
blew away the spice.

I'm the one who broke the jar.

I'm the one who broke
the door in the men's room.

What?

At the bus station downtown.

Come on. Let me
make it up to you.

Woody, you just...
you don't know

what you're
getting yourself into.

I mean, those guys
at Gary's are vicious.

They could strip you naked,

paint you red and
put you on a subway.

They wouldn't do that.

They did it to me.

But I got the best of 'em.

How's that?

I loved it.

Wait a minute, Woody,
come here, come here.

Woody, Woody, Woody,

I've got a plan. Listen up.

Shh!

Gary had a camera
in here the other day.

He could have a spy in here now.

And the whole place
could be bugged.

Come on, you guys.

Whoa, whoa.

Don't take off in
a clump like that.

It'll look suspicious.

Everybody split up.

We'll hook up outside.

No, no, no!

You're clumping up again.

Spread out.

No, you're clumping up again.

Cliffie, you got the time, pal?

Right, time check.

2200 Zulu.

Agent Hoosier is overdue.

Abort Operation Red Dawn.

Cliff...

What in God's name
are you talking about?

Spy lingo, Norm.

Woody's not back
from Gary's yet.

It's time to mobilize
our forces. Let's go.

I'm just the man for it.

Actually, I considered a career
as a spy when I was young,

but in the end, I decided
not to go into intelligence.

That seems only fair.

None of it went into you.

Hey, guys, guys, guys.
What's the big rush here?

Give him a chance.

He's only about
five minutes late.

Actually, I think we might
be underestimating Woody.

You know, something tells me

he might actually
pull this thing off.

Hey! Hey!

Wait, there's a note.

What's it say?

"Compliments of
Gary's. We deliver."

What?

What are you trying to say?

He's trying to say something.

What are you...?
Don't rip off the tape!

Ahh!

That's it, Cornmeal.
You blew it.

I'm telling you,
I was doing fine.

I borrowed this great
costume from my theater group.

I really looked like a nun.

I went in there...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You dressed up as a
nun and went into a bar?

Well, it was either that

or one of the von
Trapp children.

This is the stupidest
thing I have ever heard of.

Hey, I don't see
anybody else volunteering

to go over there
and get roughed up

and hung by their heels.

I did it 'cause I
was trying to help.

Okay, you were trying to help.

Why'd you have to
be so stupid about it?

And that's another thing.

I'm sick and tired
of hearing that word.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

If I hear that word
one more time,

I'm walking out of here
and never coming back.

Oh, come on, man. That's stupid.

That's it, I quit.

Cool down.

No, no, I'm serious.

I've had it with this place.

I'm not appreciated
here anymore.

Oh, Woody, come on,
man. That's not true.

Leave me alone!

Well, look who's back.

Sister Mary Woody.

I'm looking for a job.

Oh, right.

I heard you quit Cheers.

I'm never going back
into Cheers again.

Well, except to get
my last check and, uh,

the only key to my apartment.

So where'd you stay last night?

Well, I just walked around.

Down to the Commons,

over to the river,

across the river to Cambridge,

back over the river,

took a right at the
Prudential building,

stopped at a newsstand,

thought about buying
a paper, didn't...

Okay, okay, okay.

I get it.

So you're coming
to me for a job?

I don't owe Cheers diddly.

Well, you're a
darned good barkeep.

And I could use an extra hand.

There's always an
upsurge of business

every year after I win
the Bloody Mary contest.

Why not?

Grab an apron in the back.

Oh, gee,

you won't regret this.

Wait till

I tell my mom I'm working
for that weasel Gary.

Are you crazy? He's the enemy.

No, I think he's okay.

I was in Cheers when he quit.

It was real ugly.

I don't know. Uh, you
think we can trust him?

Gary? Well...

Yeah?

I found a nickel in the
pocket of this apron.

You know who it belongs
to or should I put up a flyer?

I think we can trust him.

Afternoon, everybody.

Hey, hey, Gary.

Well, this is it!

The day of the big contest.

Hey, Woody, come here.

Yes, sir.

Woody, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I had my doubts about you
having worked at Cheers and all,

but after the way you've
worked out here this last week...

you're really one of us now.

Thank you.

By the way, here.

What is it?

It came for you a few days ago.

I forgot to give it to you.

"This is to inform
you that the contest

has been moved up
two hours to 12:00 noon."

You forgot to give this to me?

Is it important?

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Damn it, boy.

You and Malone set me up.

You knew about this
time change two days ago.

Well, don't just stand
there like a bump on a log.

Say something.

Got you, Gar.

That means the contest
started five minutes ago.

Gee, boss,

I don't think you're
gonna make it.

I think you're gonna lose.

I think you're gonna
fall flat on your face.

I think...

I'm gonna be hanging
upside down again.

Get him! Come on. Get him!

Well, I wish I could
give all of you an award,

but there can only
be one winner...

Surprise, Malone.

I made it. Hey.

No, he's
disqualified. He's late.

You were late, man.

I didn't get the message
about the time change.

They tried to keep me
away, but it didn't work.

Yeah, right! It didn't work.

That's a lie and you
should be disqualified

for making a slanderous remark

and for wearing that
shirt with those pants.

There's still time
for another entry.

All right!

Here.

Try a real Bloody Mary.

Hands down, the winner.

All right!

Olde Towne Tavern!

Olde Towne Tavern!

Olde Towne Tavern!

Olde Towne Tavern!

Hey!

Hey, hey, Sam...

here's a little bit
of advice for you:

give up while you got
a shred of dignity left.

Oops, too late.

All clear?

All clear.

Oh, my man Woody!

That's good, man.

Take that makeup off.

Well, now just a minute.

That's Woody? My God.

This is amazing makeup.

This is just incredible.

This was part of some
elaborate ruse, huh?

Yeah, we set the whole thing up.

Yeah, that way we
can get Gary out of here

before the real contest starts.

And when you made such a fool
of yourself pretending to be a nun?

That was part of the plan.

When you went to work
for Gary? Part of the plan.

When you told Gary the time
of the contest had changed?

All part of the plan.

Hey, guys...

I'm ready for the real contest.

Not part of the plan.

And the winner
of Boston's annual

Bloody Mary contest is...

Gary's Olde Towne Tavern!

Yeah!

Where have I heard that before?

You know, Sam,

that was a stroke of genius
having Li'l Abner there

playing the judge.

And I got to admit I fell for it

until I got within
about 20 feet.

Very funny.

You know, we're gonna
get you next year, Gary,

and it's not going
to be very pretty.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Don't try to outfox
me because you can't.

Every time you think
you got me fooled,

I'm one step ahead of you.

But I got to admit,
this time you came...

that close.

Very funny. Very funny.

I can't believe he did it again.

Uh, 45... 50.

Carla, what are you doing?

I mean, you usually pay off a
judge after you win a contest.

If the contest that
had just happened

were the real contest...
Which it wasn't...

And if this guy
were the real judge,

which he's not.

You follow any of that?

This is my next-door neighbor.

The real judge is some
old lady from Cambridge.

Thanks for helping out, Larry.

Any time, Carla.

Wait a minute.

If this wasn't the real contest,
when is the real contest?

In about a half an hour.

Are you telling me
we still have a chance

to win this thing? We sure do!

Carla! Carla!

Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla!

Carla! Carla!

Carla...

How long have you
had this planned?

Since about...

a minute after we
lost last year's contest.

This is unbelievable. What?!

That I could come
up with a great plan?

No, that you'd
pay this guy money

out of your own pocket.

Get real.

I lifted Gary's wallet when
he was leaving the bar.

Thank God you are on our side.

And from here on in,
whether we win or lose,

what's really important
to remember...

And I'm saying this

in the spirit of true
sportsmen everywhere...

Is Gary won't win!

Yeah! Gary won't win!

Gary won't win!

Gary won't win!

Hey, guys...

I am on to you.

Oh, man, I give up.

Now hand over my wallet.

Your what?

Come on. Somebody
took my wallet.

Yeah, someone handed it in.

You must've dropped it

when you were leaving the bar.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

So long, chumps.

Gary won't win.

Gary won't win.

Gary won't win.