Cheers (1982–1993): Season 7, Episode 9 - Send in the Crane - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Sorry, Dr. Crane,

I just don't understand
this word association stuff.

Right, allow me to demonstrate.

Now, I'll say a word,
and then you say

the first word
that you think of.

Norm, we'll start with you.

Over.

Under.

Inside.

Outside.



Bottom.

Thermostat.

If you could make any
sense out of that, uh,

I got a sawbuck here
with your name on it.

Okay, you're on.

It might not be a
total non sequitur.

Let me see, uh...

Perhaps in the house
Woody grew up in,

the thermostat was at
the bottom of the stairs.

Actually, it was in the kitchen.

I'll, uh, take cash or check.

No, no, or, uh, well,

the, uh, the heater may
have been in the, uh, cellar,

and so it was at the
bottom of the house.



Nope.

Thermostat is
difficult to spell.

Woody was at the
bottom of his class.

Woody, did you turn
up the heat again?

Yes, Miss Howe.

I told you, it's
too hot in here.

Now, if you keep turning it up,
I have to keep turning it down.

That wouldn't be a problem

if they hadn't put
the damn thermostat

in such an awkward place.

I can barely reach it.

Sorry, Miss Howe.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Frasier, where the
hell have you been?

You were supposed to
pick me up at the airport.

Well, um, gee, I didn't do
a very good job of it, did I?

Well, welcome home, dear.

Where have you been?

Paris.

Perhaps you remember,

we liberated it during the war.

Yes, now that I recall, you
did say something about it.

Well, I've just
been so damn busy.

You do forgive me, don't you?

Oh, of course.

I could never stay mad at you.

Well, how was Paris?

It was thrilling.

The City of Light.

Here.

Ooh, what's this?

A souvenir.

I'm tired of your
pinstripe boxers.

They're dull, unimaginative
and bourgeois.

Well, they always
speak very highly of you.

An eye patch.

No, you ninny, it's
French underwear.

It doesn't leave, uh, much
to the imagination, there,

does it, Fras?

Not that I was
imagining anything.

They're all the rage in Paris.

They sell them everywhere.

I bought these at the Louvre.

Well, Lilith, dear...

I do appreciate
the gift, dearest,

but, uh, I, I don't know
if they're really me.

Well, don't make up your mind

before you even try them on.

Yeah, what do you say, Fras?

Strap them on. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I suppose I could

slip into the bathroom
for a moment.

Oh, Frasier, do.

Say, what am I going
to do with the old pair?

Save them; I'm
making a memory quilt.

Sam, phone for you.

It's Judy.

Judy...

Hi!

Well, of course I remember you.

You're kidding me?

Well, that's just
around the corner.

Listen, why don't
you come on over?

We can replay all
the old memories.

All right.

Judy who?

She didn't say, Sam.

How many Judys

have you dated?

Well, let's see, there was,
uh, Judy Johnson, right?

The, uh, tall redhead, remember?

She had freckles, great legs.

There's Judy Petinski.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Judy Chang.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How come you guys remember
my love life better than I do?

Well, I think it meant
more to us, Sammy.

Wasn't there, um,

a Judy Marlowe?

Oh, that's the one I remember.

Sammy, hot stuff.

Oh, you betcha.

God, did we have great times.

I remember all

the playgrounds, the
circuses, the pony rides...

Uh, excuse me, Sam.

Exactly how old was this Judy?

No, no, she was a divorcee.

She had this little girl.

Must be about what, 15 years

since I've seen the two of them.

Just in case, you know,
if she comes in here

and she's not very good-looking,

will you do me a favor...
Pretend like you're my wife.

Okay. All right.

Give me all the
money in your wallet.

Why? What are you
doing? I'm practicing.

Lilith, I have only one
thing to say to you.

Vive la difference.

Woody, I asked you to
bring up a case of scotch

15 minutes ago.

Now, will you
just do it, please?

Sorry, Miss Howe; right away.

Whoa. Get up on the
wrong side of the web?

No, I am just sick and tired

of the way I am
treated by this company.

They're trying to
break my spirit,

to bring me to my knees.

They want to see how long its
going to take before I say I quit.

Why, what do they
want you to do now?

Throw a party.

Oh, my God, these
people must be stopped.

I'm supposed to
throw a kiddie party

for the executives'
brats; well, I'll show them.

I am going to throw the
best damn party of the year.

I am going to have the
best food, the best games...

Does anybody know where I
can hire a professional clown?

Would you settle for a couple
of amateurs with red noses?

Say, you know who
you should hire?

Woody. He's an actor.

At least a perennial understudy.

That's not a bad idea.

I wonder if Woody's interested.

Woody?

I have to hire a clown
for a children's party.

Do you think you
could handle the part?

"Handle the part"?

I've always wanted
to play a clown.

You hear that, everybody?

I get to be a clown.

I'm a clown, I'm a
clown, I'm a clown!

Sam?

Judy?

Oh, wow!

God, what a relief!

What are you talking about?

Well, it's been 15 years
since we've seen each other,

and you look just
as good as I do.

Oh, hey, how you been?

Oh, I've been great,
I've been great.

Well, come over here, sit down.

Carla, let's have some,
uh, white wine, please.

Guess what? What?

My daughter Laurie
came along to say hi.

I'd love to see her again.

Weren't the three of us, didn't
we have fun together, huh?

You were always a
great uncle, Sammy.

A lot of men get jealous.

They don't want to share.

Hey, I hope I never get

so possessive
that I'm not willing...

Hi, Mom.

To share.

Sam, you remember Laurie.

Hi.

Wow.

You used to be so...

And now she's so...

So, uh... hey, how are you?

I'm fine, Mr. Malone.

"Mr. Malone"?

Hey, come on, I'm the same guy

that used to push
you in the swings

and give you piggy-back rides

and play with
you in the bathtub.

No, that was me.

Oh, right, right, right.

Well, look at the two of you.

Look at the three of us.

Let's look at the
two of you again.

Look, I know you two

have a lot of catching up
to do, but it was really good

to see you again, Sam.

Oh, wow, I just
flashed on the way

you used to make me hold
your hand crossing the street.

Anyway, I'll see you.

Wait, wait, where you going?

What's the rush?

Why is my voice so high?

I got an idea.

Uh, why don't, uh,

why don't the three
of us uh, do, uh,

one of those things we
used to do in the old days...

You know, get an ice cream
cone together, or something.

I would love that.

Do you know something, Sam?

What? I am really glad

that I picked up the
phone and called you.

Oh, me, too.

Come on, Uncle Sammy.

There's a lot of
traffic out there.

Looks like Sammy's
heading for trouble.

Yeah, looks like kind of a
fun trip, though, doesn't it?

Carla, did you have
the soft drinks delivered

to Mrs. Ridgeway's house
for the party tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah... four cases.

The kids will be burping
all through Woody's act.

Don't worry, with this
outfit and these props,

I'm going to have those
kids rolling on the floor.

Yeah, rolling
around and burping...

Now there's an
attractive image for you.

You know, Woody, I
envy you, I really do.

Creating laughter
can be a healing art.

Sometimes a clown can
do better than a psychiatrist.

Yeah, and you can fit
more of them into a little car.

Got my funny horn,
my squirting flower,

my joke book... can't miss.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see an example
of a joke that can't miss.

"Did you hear about Yeah.

"the human cannonball?

It's hard to find a
man of his caliber."

I don't, uh, hear any hilarity
ensuing there, Wood-man.

Oh, you have to try them
both at the same time...

The props and the jokes.

Try it again.

Boy, this is going
to be flop city.

"Did you hear about
the human cannonball?

It's hard to find a
man of his caliber."

See? Can't miss.

Let me try this.

This looks like fun.

Uh, all right. "You hear
about the sword swallower

who only eats penknives
'cause he's on a diet?"

All right, all right,
you think that's funny?

Go ahead, Norm,

do another one.

All right.

Uh, "Did you hear about the, uh,
the tightrope walker who went nuts?

They had to, uh,
throw a net under him."

You know, you're right.

It is funnier when you do it.

Here we go.

Thanks, Uncle
Sammy, that was great,

but I've got to get
to aerobics class.

I'll call you tonight, Mom.

Bye, honey.

God, kids are fun! Mmm.

I especially loved taking
her to that department store

and watching her
little face light up.

Obviously.

Hey, come on,

what's the matter with you?

I'm getting a little tired

of having you invite Laurie
along with us everywhere we go.

Oh, now, come on.

Mommy needs a little
quality time for herself.

Well, sweetheart, all
you had to do was ask.

Listen, what do you say I
pick you up around 8:00...

Just the two of us,

all evening?

Adults only.

Mmm. Mmm.

Caution, some scenes
may be unsuitable

for immature viewers.

I'll close my eyes.

Oh, God!

Why? What?

What's the matter?

I guess I'm remembering
what happened

the last time you tried

to pitch both ends
of a double header.

Oh, boy.

Is it that obvious?

I think it was the drooling
that gave you away.

Yeah, well, see, the thing is

that I'm really
attracted to Laurie,

and I want to ask her out,

but I don't want to stop dating
the mother at the same time.

I mean, it's like a real
problem, you know?

Gee,

must be a burden
being so sensitive.

Yeah.

Uh, Sammy, door number two.

Hey, Laurie, what'd you
do, forget something?

Well, my class was canceled,
so I was gonna find Mom

and see if she wanted
to grab some lunch.

But I guess she
already left, huh?

Yeah, just a few minutes ago.

Oh, well, it's no biggie.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Listen, uh, if you
have a couple minutes

on your hand here...

I'm about due for a
break, aren't I, Rebecca?

Hell yes, you've
been back at work

for almost five minutes.

Wouldn't it be a hoot
if your uncle took you

back to the same
zoo, but 15 years later?

How about it, guys?

Would that be a "hoot" or what?

Uncle Sammy, you're too much.

I'll go bring the car around.

Great, I'll meet
you up there, okay?

Just a minute.

Zoos are kind of sad, you know?

Huh?

I mean, all those
sedentary animals...

can't move, can't run free,

they just sit there and drink

and shovel food in their faces.

Sorry, man, that
is no kind of life.

Sam?

You're trying to date
your girlfriend's daughter.

Now, isn't there a little voice

in the back of your mind

trying to tell you something?

Little voice?

Your conscience?

My conscience?

You mean like Jiminy Cricket?

Well, okay.

Well, yeah, as a matter of fact,

I do hear this little voice.

But it's not coming from
the direction of my brain.

Sammy,

you better be careful.

See, even Carla agrees with me.

No, I'm just worried

that he's going to
blow it with both chicks.

Mothers and daughters
talk to each other.

Well, not in my
family, but usually.

Sweetheart, I've
handled trickier situations

than this before.

You remember the time I dated

those lovely Henshaw triplets

all at the same time?

Sammy, first of all,

that was back when you
were drinking like a fish.

And second of all,

that was one chick.

Frasier, you okay, bud?

I'm a little concerned
here, Norm.

My fingers are tingling.

My hand's numb,
my feet are cold.

Either I'm having a heart attack

or this new French
underwear Lilith gave me

is too tight.

Ah... cancel the paramedics.

All right, all right.

All right! I'm going on tonight!

I'm going on! What do you
mean, in your theater group?

Yeah, yeah. The lead
has a fever of 106.

The rest of the cast tried
to drag him out of bed,

but he kept falling down.

I get to go on!

Woody, are you ready to go?

We're going to be
late for the kiddie party.

Oh, Ms. Howe, I hate to let you
down, but I can't be your clown.

I'm playing Marc Antony.

"Friends, Romans, countrymen."

What are you talking about?

Countrymen... people
who live outside the city.

You know, shepherds,
farmers, ranchers.

Woody, you can't
desert me like this.

I don't have time
to get anyone else.

This is the chance he's
been waiting for. Butt out!

You are the one
who insisted I hire him

in the first place.

Well, I was merely suggesting...

Where am I going to
get another clown now?!

I am ruined and it's your fault.

You're the one who
got me in this mess.

You owe me a clown.

Well, where do you
think I can find one now?

Gee, Frasier, I mean,
weren't you the one who said

how much you envied Woody?

Well, yes, I did say
that... And that clowns

do more good than psychiatrists?

Well, surely you're
not suggesting...

Yeah, you'll be
great, Dr. Crane.

Stuff's all right
here in this box.

You can't miss.

Me?

You want me to don
the jester's motley?

It's got to be you, Dr. Crane.

It takes a big man
to fill these shoes.

Well, why not?

I mean, they're
just children after all.

And I always have
had a special rapport

with the wee people.

Where's the harm?

All right, let's go, Frasier.

We're late already.

Here's your outfit!

Oh, gee, Woody, you know,

I haven't had time to rehearse.

I don't know anything
about being a clown.

You got any last
minute advice for me?

Just be yourself.

Ah, words of wisdom.

Well, I'm out of here, okay?

You think Bozo the
Shrink can really cut it?

Are you kidding?

That stuff is foolproof.

The squirting flower, the
horn, the trick handkerchief...

What trick handkerchief?

You never showed us that.

That's the best one of all.

You pull the handkerchief
out of your pocket

and your pants fall down.

Underneath I'm
wearing these ridiculous

big red polka dot shorts.

It's a riot!

You mean Frasier's supposed
to be wearing those shorts?

Oh, no.

I forgot to give my
underwear to Dr. Crane.

I should call.

Well, no, no. I've got
to get to the theater.

Listen, Carla, somebody
should warn him.

Would you call him?

Of course.

Okay, kids, you say hi to Binky!

Hi, Binky!

Binky, do your act.

I don't have an act,
I'm a psychiatrist.

Show them your funny feet.

I can't, I've got
these big shoes on.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Say, kids, what do you
think of these feet, huh?

I got such big feet because
my mother was a goose.

Want to hear me honk?

The real clown was killed.

Rebecca, what am I gonna do?

I don't know what
you're going to do,

but you better think
of something quick

because you're making...

Do the flower deal.

Oh, you mean this.

Hey, they like it!

You want to see
that again, kids?

Yeah!

Hey, I'm a clown, I'm a clown!

Hey, guys...

Wait till you hear this.

I'm sitting at a table
in this restaurant

with Judy and Laurie.

The mother reaches over
and grabs my knee and says,

"Sam, I want you."

Get out.

Then I feel the
daughter reaching over

and grabbing my other knee.

She says, "I want
you, too, Sammy."

Well, yeah, yeah?

Then I woke up.

You know what this
dream means, don't you?

Mm-hmm, it means you
even dream better than we do.

No, no, it means
that Frasier's right.

That my conscience
is getting to me.

You know, I must feel bad

that I'm going out
with this woman

while I'm trying to score with
her daughter at the same time.

Sammy, you're scaring me.

How do you think I feel?

I mean, this hasn't ever
happened to me before.

I mean, you don't think that...

that I'm getting scruples?

Now you just stop it
right there, buddy boy.

You're talking crazy.

Damn it, I mean,

I really hate this.

I keep hearing this little voice

and this time it's
coming from my brain

and it just, it won't shut up.

And I got this feeling

that it's going to
keep nagging me

until I just do the right thing

and break it off
with the daughter.

Whoa, wait, wait,
Sammy, Sammy, listen.

I could probably
weather this scruples stuff,

but the guys...

I mean, they look
up to you so much.

Sammy. Sammy, please.

Reconsider, okay?

A mother and her daughter.

This was going to be something

I could tell my grandchildren.

Oh, Sam, Sam.

Listen, guys.

I just have to do
the right thing here.

Hi. Hi.

What ya doing?

I want to talk to you.

I hope I'm doing the
right thing coming to you.

My mom doesn't know I'm here.

I don't know how
to ask you this.

I've never done it before.

Ooh...

Go on.

Sam, when I was a little girl

I used to think you were
the most wonderful man

in the whole world.

I still do.

But I'm not a
little girl anymore.

Ooh...!

Would you, uh, wait a minute?

I'll be right back.

Remember those scruples? Yeah?

To the showers.

Say, Laurie,

I want to tell you
how happy I am

that you feel you can
come and talk to me.

Because I feel that
you and I have this...

Oh, look at that. A new ring?

That's what I came to ask you.

What? I'm getting married

and I want you to give me away.

Why you little, sl... sly one.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, it's a guy I met at school.

We've been going
together a couple years.

You know,

he's a lot like a
young you, Sam.

Thank you.

I can't wait to give you away.

Thank you, Uncle Sammy.

I love you.

Yeah, whatever. Run along.

I'm so sorry.

Don't feel bad, Sammy.

I let you guys down.

Listen, Sammy.

Sure, things didn't go your way

and, sure, we're a
little disappointed,

but we'll get over it.

What's important here

is that you tried to
do the wrong thing.

Hey, that's right, I
did, didn't I? Sammy,

Sammy, Sammy!

Thank you. Okay, now I
think there's some more

cake and ice cream
in there for you.

Yay!

Oh, Binky, you were wonderful.

I must admit I was
a bit worried at first,

it took us quite a while
to warm up to you.

Yes, well, thank you, kind lady.

See, actually I have a
confession to make. Ah?

I'm really Dr. Frasier
Crane, practicing psychiatrist.

Clowning is my avocation.

And, Ms. Howe,

I will be sure to
mention to my husband

the splendid work
you did on this party.

Thank you, Mrs. Ridgeway.

Now, if you will excuse
me for a moment.

You have no idea
how lucky we are.

That was Woody on the phone.

He called to check up on us.

That handkerchief is
a trick handkerchief.

If you had pulled
that out of your pocket,

your pants would have
fallen down around your ankles

and then we would've seen
those skimpy underpants.

Oh, good Lord.

That's not the half of it.

You see, I took off that
little French torture device

that Lilith got
me earlier today.

I've been doing this al fresco.

Dr. Crane,

would you come
here for a moment?

I'd like you to meet my mother.

Why yes, I'd be delighted to.

I've heard such
wonderful things about her.

Gesundheit, madam.

Here's my handkerchief.

No!

Mother? Mother?