Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 3 - Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Well, that cute little dimple?

Well, I think I still got it.

It's kind of hard for
me to see back there.

Um, Renee, I'm going to
have to get back to you.

Yeah, bye-bye.

Uh, Linda, sweetheart,

uh, can we continue
this over lunch?

Well, um, your place.

Don't cook.

Let me guess... personal call?



Very.

Malone, I find
winking really smarmy.

Yeah, but beneath this
smarm is a lot of charm,

and I think you know that.

I know this...

I want you out of my office now.

All right, all right. I'm sorry.

I know I'm not supposed
to get personal calls here,

but what the hey, you
know; super-strength Sammy

has been off the shelves
now for over a year...

There's a lot of pent-up
demand out there.

What can I say?

Say, "I'd better
get back to work.

I don't want to get fired."



You're cute when
you're humorless.

Did you know that?

Cheers.

No, Simone, I'm sorry.

Sam's working.

Simone? Wait, wait, wait.

Try him later at home.

Well, then, perhaps

on your next
visit to the States.

Simone?

Man, you just cost
me a roll in the hay.

I owe you one.

You're on.

I didn't mean that.

Wait a minute. I think we
need to get something...

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Geez... listen to this.

"Scientists discover wild parrot

who claims to be Elvis."

So?

"So?"

I mean, this one
wins the "Too stupid

for even you, Cliff" award.

Now, really, must you two wallow

in this sensationalistic tripe?

It pains me no end to
see America's wits dulled

and their morals abrogated
by this opiate of the asses.

Well, let's check
this out, Cliffie.

"I was Sigmund
Freud's love child."

No!

I've heard rumors
that he betrayed Martha

with his sister-in-law,

but I never dreamed
there were progeny.

You rapscallions.

What are you
whistling about, huh?

You haven't got a
dime to your name.

You're working for a
woman who's a meat grinder,

and you look like a
baboon in that uniform.

Boy, life really stinks.

You okay?

I feel like puke.

Well, you're wearing
the right uniform.

Want to talk about it?

No, what's there to say

about a no-good, ice-eating
little geek like Eddie LeBec.

He's known since a week ago

that I got his bun in my oven,

and what the hell
has he done about it?

Jack Diddley.

Don't look now,

but your ice-eating
geek just walked in.

Don't you just love him?

Hi, Carla.

Hi, Eddie.

You, uh, busy?

Just a minute.

Uh, look,

would you just write
down what you want,

and hand it to Howdy
Doody over there?

I'm all yours. Okay.

So, what's new?

Well, I, uh, I've had a
lot on my mind lately.

Yeah?

You know, training
camp's really been rough

and a lot of
competition at goalie,

and really having to work
my tail off to keep up, eh?

Sounds rough. Yeah.

Say, you know, uh,
since I'm already here,

there's something I've
been wanting to ask you.

Yeah?

It's a question.

I like questions.

Okay, but,

see, this is the
kind of question

a guy really doesn't want to ask

if he thinks he might
get "no" for answer.

Well, it's kind of hard for
a girl to give an answer

until she knows
what the question is.

Okay, but, you see,

it would be a lot
easier for a guy

if he had some sort of sign...

Ask me, you little frog!

Okay.

Carla, would you...?

Yes! Yes!

Oh, oh, oh. Eddie, yes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Carla, do you mind if we,

you know, we keep this quiet?

You know me, I don't
like a lot of hoopla.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Would it be okay
if I just told Sam?

I guess.

Hey, Sammy!

Me and Eddie are
getting married!

Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey.

Get over here, Eddie!

What's going on?

Oh, great news, Miss Howe.

Carla's marrying Eddie LeBec.

Oh, that cute little guy
with the dents in his nose.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Wait, wait, wait, here we go.

Here we go, here we go.

I want to be making a toast

to my beautiful bride-to-be.

Listen, you know, I
don't make my living

using words, so this is
gonna be kind of hard

for me, okay, but here it goes.

Uh, Carla...

Well, you know.

Well, you know.

Yeah.

I love you, sweetie.

Hey, congratulations,
man. This is terrific.

Thanks.

Are you gonna take
her on a honeymoon?

Hey, got any suggestions? Yeah.

New Orleans.

I found a great little
honeymoon spot

just kind of tucked
away off Bourbon Street.

Great food, very romantic,
steamy atmosphere, you know.

Yeah, I had the time of my life,

and then Vera tracked me down.

Well, if I get any time
off from training camp,

I thought maybe Carla
might like to see Waikiki.

Waikiki... Honolulu, Hawaii?

Sure, we'll hit them all.

Yeah, right!

I only hope I can
get some time off

from the Howitzer.

Sorry. Miss Howitzer.

Time off?

Well, you'll be having
all the time in the world.

You think I'd be
having a wife of mine

work in a crummy bar like this?

No offense, Miss Howitzer.

It's Miss Howe.

Oh, take it easy.

They're just complimenting
your big guns.

Wait a minute.

Y-You're telling me

that I don't have
to work anymore?

You mean, I can just sit
around the house all day,

eating peanut
butter out of a jar,

and watching my toenails grow?

She's, uh, quite a catch, Ed.

Boy, you know, I'm gonna
miss you around here.

Oh, Sammy, I'll drop
by once in a while

to watch all you 9-to-5'ers

spill drinks on
your butler suits.

So, when's the big day, Carla?

Well, I'd like to do it
as soon as possible

before my little hunk
of back bacon here

changes his mind.

Ah, no way, I'm not
one of those flakes

you used to go out with.

Oh, but listen, we
have to get married

on a day with a two in it

'cause two's my lucky number.

Rats. Mine's three.

Oh, no sweat.

Lucky two, lucky three...

We can get married
on the 23rd or the 32nd.

That's right, honey.

Oh, right, right.

No, um...

As long as it's not
on a Wednesday.

Ooh, yeah, bad juju.

Yeah.

This is going to be an
interesting wedding...

The two most superstitious
people in the world.

Hey, hey, don't say
that, it's bad luck.

Listen, whatever you do,
don't make any plans afterwards

'cause we're going to throw
you the biggest wedding reception

in history right here...

Oh, great!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Force of habit.

Not my place to
do that. I'm sorry.

Ms. Howe's going to throw you
the biggest wedding reception...

I need to talk to you right now.

Uh, wait...

before you say
anything, let me just, uh...

I had an idea.

Why don't you invite your boss,

what's-his-name, Evan Drake.

You know, he's a
sports fan, so I hear.

Maybe he'd enjoy
meeting Eddie LeBec there.

You know, you could
throw him a big bash,

impress the pants off him.

What were you going to say?

I was going to tell
you to smile more.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't say smugly.

Excuse me, I have
a phone call to make.

Hey there, Eduardo,

looks like you and Carla
aren't the only lovebirds in town.

Check out DeeDee
and David there.

Who?

DeeDee and David Lefsowski,

the Weekly Gabbers'
odd couple of the month.

See, she weighs in
there at 480 pounds,

and he tips the scales
at a mere, uh, 92.

But I mean, just look
at the love in his eyes.

I think that's fear, Cliff.

Cute baby he's holding.

That's her arm, Woody.

Cute arm he's holding.

Hey. Picked a date yet?

Yep.

Eddie wants to do it
a week from Saturday,

anytime before 4:00 p.m.

which is okay with my psychic,

as long as our auras
remain in the blue spectrum,

and there's no solar eclipse.

It's really tough planning
a wedding, isn't it?

Ooh, tell me about it.

You know, I'm
just a little nervous

about waiting eight days.

Gives Eddie an awful long time

to come to his senses.

Look at him.

He's absorbed in
thought over there.

Well, maybe not.

There.

The table looks nice.

Woody, don't you think
the table looks nice?

I think it looks nice.

Looks nice.

You think so?

Oh, damn, I bet chucklebrain

forgot to pick up the napkins.

Oh, no, Sam didn't forget.

Eddie brought these special
wedding ones they had made up.

"We don't want to get married.

We have to. Ha, ha."

Cute.

You see the little hillbilly

with the shotgun?

Yes, he's nice, isn't he?

But I think these are
just a little too funny

for the reception.

Burn them.

Did you remember to get
the cinnamon almond decaf?

Yeah, I did.

Who likes that?

Evan does.

Everyone does.

Excuse me, Miss Howe,

I know it's none of
my beeswax, but...

it seems to me like
you're awfully nervous

about Mr. Drake coming by today.

Do you like him or something?

In a business sense, yes.

I admire his skills
and accomplishments.

You like him.

Boys...

we're all set up with
my buddy Bruce.

He can get us the same
silverware Carla picked out

from the Filene's catalog
for over two-thirds off.

Oh, yeah.

So what's the bite-ski?

20 bucks apiece.

I'll catch you guys later.

Say, Norm, there
isn't any chance

that this stuff is stolen
merchandise, is there?

No, of course not.

Listen, if anyone asks,

we never heard of Bruce,
we can't find the receipt,

and if you run into
me up on the street,

call me Larry.

My mind's at ease.

So, Sam, what are
you concocting there?

You know how superstitious
Carla and Eddie are.

I thought I'd mix
them up a batch

of my good-luck wedding punch.

It never fails.

Isn't that the same
stuff you made

when you were getting married

to Miss Chambers?

Woody, you want to
flush this down the toilet.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Carla, what are you doing
here on your wedding day?

Oh, oh, actually I came
by to get my last paycheck.

See, the bridal
shop has this policy

about their wedding gowns...

"Fork over the jack,
or it stays on the rack."

So where is it?

Oh, I'm so sorry

that I don't have it ready
for you right this very second.

I guess I've just been busy

putting up every
single decoration

and ordering all
the hors d'oeuvres

and getting a band together
at the very last minute

so that your reception
could be just perfect for you.

Could you step
on it? I'm in a hurry.

Soda, bartender.

Coming right up.

So how's the bride
on her big day?

Couldn't be better, Sammy.

All celestial omens
are favorable.

Seems that Eddie and I
picked the one day this century

when all the planets
and constellations

are in perfect alignment.

So either we get
married by 4:00 today,

or we wait until the year 2042.

I don't know, call
me old-fashioned,

but I still think you
ought to get married

before your baby does.

How'd you manage to
swing a church wedding?

You know, being
divorced and all.

Don't you remember?

I had my marriage to
Nick annulled years ago.

Oh, right, right, right,
right. Took forever.

Mm-hmm.

But things got speeded up

when Nick tried to sell
the Bishop his watch.

Oh, hey, isn't that Eddie LeBec

sashaying down those
stairs, there, Doc?

Sure looks like it.
But Carla's here.

Isn't there some superstition

about the groom seeing
the bride before the wedding?

Nobody believes in that anymore.

You saw me.

I saw you.

I saw you see me.

I saw you see me see you.

Oh... Shut up.

You're making it worse.

Oh, my God.

We were so careful
about every single thing,

and then we blew

the single most important
superstition of all...

Seeing the bride on
the day of the wedding.

What are you doing here?

I was meeting my mother.
What are you doing here?

I came by to get my check!

That's it.

We've blown it.

We can't get married now.

Call me in 2042.

Yeah, okay. I'll see ya.

You guys are kidding.

Come on. Eddie.

Wait a minute. What am I doing?

Carla...

Look, I don't want to
give up the best thing

that ever happened to me.

Oh, come off it, Eddie.

You're just as
superstitious as I am.

Well, not anymore.

And I'm going to prove to you

there's nothing to all
that mumbo jumbo.

Woody, hand me a mirror.

Huh?

You know, the one Sam's
always looking at himself in.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to break it.

The bad luck is
starting already.

He's lost his mind.

Hey, that's my mirror.

You see? Nothing.

The ground didn't open
up and swallow me.

That's because they
want you out in the open

where lightning can get you.

Don't do that!

Oh!

Which shoulder do you throw
salt over to avoid bad luck?

The left, the left.

No! No, no!

Forgive him, demons of Hell.

He's a hockey player.

Don't, don't answer
it. Don't, don't...

Cheers.

Thanks, Woody.

Carla, it's for you.

Go on. Go on, answer it.

Would you take it.

Come on.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dr. Nadelson.

How did my tests come out?

You've got to be kidding.

What? What is it?

Twins.

He spills the salt,
he breaks the mirror,

and I'm the one having twins.

I told you something
horrible was going to happen.

What is so bad?

Twins means we're twice blessed.

Yeah, I had twins once.

It was the happiest
day of my life.

Lighten up.

Lighten up.

Carla... Carla, this is great.

Eddie...

You're really happy about this?

I'm the happiest man on Earth.

Listen, Carla, you
and me, we can...

we can overcome any obstacles

that are in our way.

You're a great guy, Eddie.

Dumb as a skate blade,

but a great guy.

Ma!

Oh, my baby's home!

You see? I knew
things would look up.

What's wrong?

Ma, nothing.

Everything's aces.

It's just that, hey,
when you called

about getting remarried,

I realized how much I love you.

I just wanted to be
with you on this day.

And?

Uh, and Dad's TV
shop... It went under.

We got evicted, and I
can't get unemployment

'cause Daddy didn't
declare me an employee.

Well, I'm just glad

my little boy's here
for my wedding.

What about his lovely wife?

I'm just glad my little
boy's here for my wedding.

Actually, Mother Tortelli,

we didn't want to
return to Vegas.

We don't think it's any place

for children to grow up.

You're having a kid?

I'm talking about us.

So, if we could find
someone here in Boston

with an nice house

and lots of extra room...

Do you know anyone
like that, Mother Tortelli?

No, no, no.

You don't want to come live

in my little, tiny,
overcrowded house.

Ma, it's just temporary.

Just till I get back on my feet.

Hey, if it's a problem,

we'll find someplace
else to stay.

Yeah. I think I saw

a nice cardboard
box in the alley.

See, see? What did I tell ya?

This is the bad luck I've
been warning you about.

Carla, don't worry about it.

I mean, the more the merrier.

Look, I'm going to get

a major salary bump this season,

and then I'll buy us all the
biggest house in Boston.

Wow. A new house?

You bet.

Now do you finally believe

that nothing bad
is going to happen?

No. I'll just have
more closet space

when it does.

Anthony, I'm Eddie LeBec.

I guess I'm your new stepfather.

I'm hoping one day
you'll call me "Dad."

Hey, Nick Tortelli is my dad.

You are not my father,

and you never will be!

Anthony!

You only knocked up my ma

so she'd have to marry you.

Ma, I'm sorry. The
guy was asking for it.

Come on, Annie, let's go.

Forgive him.

He has the hot
passion of his race,

and I have the envy
of every woman I know.

Well, this is it.

This is the bad luck.

I mean, what could be worse

than my kid hating my husband?

Look, it's okay.

He's just a kid.

Oh, you don't get it, Eddie.

He's the nicest one I got.

Look, Carla, he's just being
protective of his mother.

God knows that I
think my maman's

the greatest woman on Earth.

And I can only hope that
our kids feel the same way.

Are you from this planet?

Carla, here's your
final paycheck.

Thank...

I might say that you have
been a unique employee,

and it's going to
be very difficult

to fill your uniform.

Thanks.

You don't happen to know

any other short, pregnant
cocktail waitresses, do you?

Yeah, can I help you?

Eddie LeBec.

Maman?!

Tu es merveilleuse!

Je ne peux plus attendre
pour que tu rencontre Carla.

Là voilà, au bar.

Carla...

Carla. Carla.

Non, Maman... Maman...

Eddie, c'est qu'elle est belle.

Non, non, Maman.

C'est Carla.

Carla!

Non, non, Maman.

No, no, no, no.

Me Rebecca.

Her Carla.

Enjoy.

Carla.

I'm so happy to meet you.

Non. Non.

Je ne permettrai jamais mon fils

à marier ce petit souris

avec le grand ventre.

Maman... Maman... Je
ne permettrai ce mariage...

noon, avec le... Maman.

O, mon Dieu!

She says she has to catch a bus.

Maman!

I get the feeling she
wasn't nuts about me.

What'd she say?

What makes you think I'd know?

'Cause all you pompous
windbags speak French.

She said she'll never
allow this marriage.

Especially to a pregnant hussy

who's only trying
to trap her son.

Then she said she'd rather
be dragged around town

by her tongue...

or else she called
you a small grapefruit.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie, wait a minute.

Before you say anything,

I know what your mother said.

And it doesn't matter to me.

You finally convinced me
that our love can conquer

any bad luck that comes our way.

I mean it.

Anthony and Annie moving in,

your ma hating me,

Anthony hating you, twins...

Every time one of these

little piddling things came up,

I kept thinking

you were going to
say the wedding's off.

The wedding's off.

Yeah, that's what I kept

expecting you to say.

The wedding's off.

Yeah, yeah, we're all clear

on what I thought you'd say.

The wedding's off.

But you never said it.