Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 2 - 'I' on Sports - full transcript
Dave Richards is looking for a replacement television sportscaster to fill his position and thinks Sam would be the perfect person: he knows sports and he looks good. Although initially apprehensive about his abilities to do it, Sam agrees to fill in for the week. If he does well, this stint could lead to a whole new career in front of the camera. With Woody's help, Sam makes up a lie to Rebecca to get out of working at the bar for that time. Although Rebecca eventually finds out the real reason for Sam's absence, she allows him time off as she sees it as a win-win situation for her. If he fails, he's humiliated. If he succeeds, he's out of her life. Reading the actual sportscasts is one issue, but the sports commentaries, where he has to write his own material and come up with a point of view, is a whole different matter. Like his earlier lie to Rebecca, Sam needs Woody's help with regard to the result of his sportscasts.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
I hate this uniform.
It is ugly.
It makes me look
like a beached whale.
And on top of everything
I can't find any
earrings to go with it.
Try some broccoli.
Ha-ha-ha!
I mean it, Sam.
I really hate it.
I used to like it,
but now I'm getting
kind of tired of it.
Feel like I'm wearing
the same thing every day.
Listen, I'm not a
big fan of them either
but let's just give
it our best here.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, Sam... No, no, don't...
Can't you just talk
to the Iron Maiden?
Convince her to get rid of them.
Come on. Oh...
Miss Howe, uh...
about the uniforms.
Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.
The dry cleaning
plant is on strike.
Now, we may not
have fresh uniforms
for at least a week,
so I want you to be
extra careful with those.
Oops.
Oh, no.
Um...
you guys are going to get it.
Didn't you hear
what Miss Howe
just got through...
I get it.
Yo...
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Dave.
All right.
How are you? I know who you are.
I've seen you on the news.
I can't believe it.
Hey, everybody.
It's Dave Richards, Channel 10.
Channel 13.
Oh, sorry.
Never mind.
Sam, I got a
proposition for you.
No, no, no...
if she's not good
enough for you,
I sure don't want her.
No, no, it's nothing like that.
You see, I have to give up
my TV spot, I on Sports.
They're looking for a fill-in
for the week and I thought
you might be interested.
Boy, sports on TV...
I've never really
considered that.
Think I'd be any good at it?
Who knows? It may turn out
to be a permanent gig for you.
That's how I got my start.
Whoo, boy, I don't know.
Oh, come on, Sam.
Come on.
Every time we watch Dave,
you say, "I can do
better than that stump."
Thank you, Carla.
You're too kind.
Come on, Sam.
You'd be great.
You talk good like me
and you're handsome.
Of course, Sam.
What do you say? Listen...
if I were you, okay...
And believe me,
not a day goes by I
don't wish I were...
I would take this job.
Sam, look...
It's a lot of fun.
You see, you get to
sit behind this desk.
You don't have to wear pants.
It's my little joke
on the audience.
I do know sports, and
I'm articulate at that.
Hey, you know something?
I'm going to do it.
All right!
Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
You're on at 11:00.
Wait a minute. Tonight?
Without any
preparation or anything?
Sure, I do it all the time.
Look, I want you to get
down to Wardrobe ASAP, huh?
All right.
See ya.
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, man.
Who do I talk to over there?
A very good friend of mine,
Phil somebody or another.
I forget. Anyway, I got to
get going, meet my lady.
She's terrific. Huh?
This time the Dave Machine
is finally settling down.
Well, hey, congratulations, man.
Excuse me. The
alarm just went off.
I make an ungodly
amount of money
and I know exactly
how to use it.
You must be a
friend of Mr. Malone's.
Well, you know what they say,
"The good-looking
ones travel in pairs."
And, uh,
that's certainly
true in your case.
Do you have the time?
4:30.
Good, 'cause I just wanted
to remember the exact moment
I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
Tough woman, tough woman.
You got that right.
I wear a cup to work.
Well, the pulsating
Dave Machine's history.
All right, man, take care.
Excuse me, Dave.
Dr. Crane here.
If you're interested,
I happen to conduct
a little session
for narcissists
about once a month.
My policy: only show
up if I get an award.
This is the Big Dave
Machine saying good night
and may the sports be with you.
You know,
I bet if you held
your ear up to his,
you could hear the ocean.
I'll have to try it sometime.
It, uh, may not work for you.
Hey, guys,
I'm off to the station.
Listen, do me a favor, will ya?
Woody, Carla, close up for me.
You know...
Whoa, Sammy, you're
forgetting something
a little important here.
What?
You don't own
this joint anymore.
Oh, boy. And even if you did,
Field Marshal Howe
wouldn't give you the night off.
Yeah, yeah. Silly me.
What am I going to
do about this, huh?
Sam, may I suggest deception?
Well...
Hold on your
horses there, Frasier.
As a psychiatrist,
isn't it your job to seek
and uphold the truth?
Oh, get real, Cliff.
You know, you got a
good idea there, Frasier.
Yeah. Lying.
I do lying.
Woody, come here. Do me a favor.
When Miss Howe comes
out of the office here,
go down the hall
and call the bar.
I'll answer.
What do I say?
Nothing. Just stand
there and hold the phone.
Okay, I'll give it a try.
Um, Miss Howe, we're
running low on napkins.
So order more.
I don't know how many more.
I don't run the bar anymore.
Thank you. I appreciate
this very much.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Cheers.
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
What? You say my
apartment's been robbed?
Oh, Sammy!
You say I've been cleaned out?
Well, damn.
Yeah, I guess I could
get over there right away
and maybe expect
not to be back here
for a few hours, huh?
Well, thank you very
much. Thank you.
That was my landlord.
Do you believe this?
I've been robbed.
What's happening to this city?
Go on, Sammy.
Go, Sammy! Go,
Sammy! Go, Sammy, go!
We're a, uh, victim
support group.
I see.
Well, I better hire
a relief bartender.
Hello?
Is there somebody on this phone?
Oh, uh, hi, Miss Howe.
It's-it's me, Woody.
Woody, are you using this phone?
No, no, not really.
What are you doing, Woody?
Oh, I'm just standing
here holding it.
Woody, hang up
the phone, please.
I have to hire another
bartender now.
Oh, no, Miss Howe,
I'm really sorry.
I swear I'll never do it again.
And Keller is scheduled
to be executed on Friday.
I guess he won't be around then
for the Patriots-Buffalo
game this Sunday.
For that and all the sports,
a new member to
the Channel 13 team,
here's former Red Sox
pitcher Sam Malone.
Nice to have you with us,
Sam. Thank you, Joanne.
I'd just like to say
that you look better live
than you do in person.
Thank you.
Oh, very slick.
Very slick indeed.
Yes. Five bucks says
Sammy has Joanne at 11:00.
Red Sox pitcher Paul Willis
went on the 15-day
disabled list today.
Willis has floating
cartilage in his knee
and tomorrow will undergo
arthroscopic surgery.
All right! I can't bel...
On his first night!
Club soda, Woody, please.
Sure, Miss Howe.
Today on This Old House,
we're going to be
grouting counter tile,
so I'm sure you'll want
to stick around for that.
But first, let's
go in the kitchen.
Don't you guys
usually watch sports?
Yeah, well, yeah,
usually, but, uh,
they're going to be putting
up drywall in a minute.
The subflooring
is just being laid.
And now for the I on
Sports commentary.
You know, the world is
full of negative people.
Okay, so the Sox aren't
having such a great season,
but that's no reason to boo
and say bad things about them.
You know, I don't
know where I heard it,
but I thought you were
supposed to root, root, root
for the home team.
So the next time
you're in Fenway,
you can't yell something
nice, don't yell anything at all.
This has been just
one guy's opinion.
Joanne?
Thank you, Sam.
You've given us all
a lot to think about.
We'll be right back
with the weather
after this message.
And we're clear.
That was quite a
commentary, Sam.
Well, I hope I didn't
offend anyone, you know?
I just feel like it
had to be said.
Mm. Would you mind
a little friendly critique?
No, no. Go ahead.
I know this is the first time
you've done this, but
I think you might want
your commentaries
to be a little more...
Oh, what's the word
I'm searching for?
Interesting.
Interesting. Right.
You know, that gives me
something to shoot for there.
Say, uh, there's a
late-breaking story
over at my place
around 12:00-ish.
Care to cover it?
Sorry, I don't do fluff pieces.
And in five, four, three, two...
Well, it was a little chilly
coming into work today.
Dr. Buzz, what does
our weather look like?
Not to waste any of the grout.
Remember, it's
nine cents a ton...
This looks really fascinating.
Oh, I'll say. Gee,
you should've seen
this guy put the
flasher on the roof.
I'm so sorry I missed that.
I was watching Sam do
the sports on Channel 13.
Sammy! Our I on Sports!
How was I?
You were great, Sam.
Hey, I never found the
scores so fascinating.
Yeah, it was pure
Musburger, Sammy.
Sammy, it was the
single greatest
exhibition of sportscasting
I've ever seen in my life.
And I am not just saying
that in order to get a free beer.
If the spirit does move you,
Sammy, I take a size 12 sudsy.
Hey, thank you, guys.
You know, coming
from you, it means a lot.
So, Carla... how was I really?
It was like watching
old people eat.
You delivered the sports fine,
but you got to jazz
up the commentary.
Yeah, yeah, boy, they
said that same thing
down at the station.
You know, you got to
talk about something
a little more
interesting than...
rooting for the home team.
That's like saying,
"let's all drive safely."
There goes
tomorrow's commentary.
You know, I want to
do so great at this job,
but it's kind of
tough, you know?
I got to come up with
five opinions a week.
Well, they couldn't
pay me enough.
You know, I'll worry
about this later.
Right now I got to get
Rebecca to give me
the rest of my nights off.
No problem there, Sammy.
I don't think you
work here anymore.
What are you talking about?
Vampira knows.
She was watching
TV in her office.
She has a TV in there?
Yeah, one of those little
tiny ones, like her heart.
Great.
Uh, Ms. Howe?
I have a confession to make.
You know that story about
my apartment being robbed?
I made that all up.
No!
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, I was
down at Channel 13
doing the sportscast.
Hope you're not mad.
Well, you used to be the boss.
How did you feel when
people lied to you?
Ah, well, I had a rule.
When anyone ever lied to me,
they had to go to bed with me.
Well, that's one way to make
sure it won't happen again.
You know, Mr. Malone,
you haven't been
dealing fairly with me.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just that this...
this means a lot to me.
And now I suppose
you're going to ask me
for the rest of the week off.
Yeah, I know, it's a lot to ask.
No, it isn't.
You're on.
Oh, great. What, am
I fired or something?
Not at all.
Look, I figure one of
two things will happen:
either you'll do well,
they'll offer you a job
and I'll never see you again;
or you'll screw up,
humiliate yourself
and come back here
a crushed and broken man.
Either way, I win.
Son of a gun, you do have heart.
Of course I do.
Tell me though.
What'd you think?
How'd I look out there?
I've never seen you look better.
Really?
You should always be this size.
Let me give you
some advice here:
never do this to a guy.
Guys, guys, he's about to
do the commentary here.
Anybody know what
the topic's going to be?
Well, no, no, he said he
was going to crank it up
by taking a firm stand.
Hey, Woody, wasn't
he rehearsing with you?
Yeah, but he made me
promise not to tell you guys.
It's too exciting.
And I don't remember.
Tonight I'm going
to tackle the issue
that's tearing
professional sports apart...
Natural grass
or artificial turf?
Now this reporter's
not afraid to say
that he's firmly in
favor of natural grass.
It's softer, causes
fewer injuries,
and let's face it, folks:
it looks prettier on TV.
That's just one guy's opinion.
Joanne?
Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere
that in an indoor stadium
it's impossible to
grow real grass.
Well, yes, yes, uh...
in indoor stadiums, you
have to use the fake stuff.
And I've heard that some of
the more recent synthetic blends
actually do help
reduce injuries.
Oh.
Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc.
That's pretty amazing.
So what are you
saying here, Sam?
Well, I guess I'm saying
that I could go either way on it.
So you have no opinion on this?
No, I have two opinions.
And that's one guy's opinions.
The Graf-Everett final
may be a good match-up,
but if you ask this I on Sports,
the fact that Martina
Navratilova decided
to sit this one out...
Ooh, to say "Martina Navra-
whoever" without even...
You know, I got a phone
call today from a teenager
saying I was taking advantage
of my status as an ex-ballplayer
and that old squares like me
shouldn't be doing the sports.
Well, Corky,
tonight's commentary
is directed right at you.
♪ Time to rap about
a controversy ♪
♪ Gonna take a stand,
won't show no mercy ♪
♪ A lot of folks say
jocks shouldn't be ♪
♪ Doing the sports news on TV ♪
♪ I don't want to hear
the latest scores ♪
♪ From a bunch of old
broadcasting school bores ♪
♪ So get your scores
from a guy like me ♪
♪ Who knows what it's
like to have a groin injury ♪
♪ G-G-Groin, g-g-groin ♪
♪ G-G-Groin injury. ♪
Joanne.
Dr. Buzz, there must
be some weather.
Ah, poor Sammy.
Bet you they fired him
after that display, huh?
Yeah, I guess he won't
be showing his face
around here tonight.
Would you come into a place
where everyone thought
you were a complete idiot?
Never mind.
Well, I suppose he's
out wandering the streets,
rapping incoherently.
Yeah, yeah, but
what if he comes in?
What are we going to say to him?
Well, just tell
him he was brave.
Yeah, like a kamikaze pilot.
Wow, I always wanted
to meet one of those guys.
The stories they must tell, huh?
Well, I guess as per usual,
it's up to me as his best
friend to tell him the truth.
You?
I'm sure he'll
understand if I tell him.
Hey, nobody is tighter
with Sammy than me.
I'm the one who
should tell him he stinks.
So...
what'd you think of my
commentary tonight?
I thought you were wonderful.
It just felt great up there.
I tell you, ever since I sold
the bar I've been floundering.
It's like I'm standing
in quicksand.
You know, I've been
trying to get my feet
planted on the ground
and all of a sudden,
it's all come together.
It's like everything
I've ever done in my life
has been leading
up to this moment.
My knowledge of sports, my
good looks, my ability to rhyme.
You know, I tell you, I
think I found my niche in life.
They liked you
down at the station?
Are you kidding, liked me?
Man, they were speechless.
Oh, hey, yeah, Rebecca.
Listen, uh, did you
catch my act tonight?
Yes, I did.
So what'd you think?
Now you can be honest with me.
Honest? Mm-hmm.
Let's see...
as news rappers go, I
thought you were fine.
But maybe rapping has just
been kind of done to death.
Oh, no, you think so?
I mean, I'd hate to think
I looked stupid out there.
No, no, not at all.
No, no, no, it's just that
it's not unique anymore, Sam.
I mean, uh, you know,
it'd be one thing if you
were the first guy to rap,
but they're rapping on
stations all over town.
You don't want to be the
last on a long train of rappers.
Yeah, Norm is
right there, Sammy.
I mean, you got to
do something different.
Do something revolutionary,
something that no
sportscaster does anymore.
You know, like,
uh... read the sports.
You know, I have been
working on something,
but I was afraid
it was too much.
But if you guys think
that rapping's old hat...
you know, I just
may give it a shot.
I'm going to work on it
right now, as a matter of fact.
Suppose we ought to stop him?
Oh, no, wait a minute.
How do we know it's going
to be another bad idea?
I mean, it couldn't be as
bad as tonight, could it?
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Little Sam.
Are you ready for tonight's...
Oh, my God.
I sure am.
I think the Red Sox
are making a big mistake
trading away young
players for veterans
who can only help
them for a season or two.
Don't you agree, Little Sam?
No, I think you're
full of hooey.
If I paid five bucks
to get in the ballpark,
I want to see them win now.
What do you know?
Your head's wooden.
Well, your lips are moving.
If either of them
mentions the bar, I'm suing.
Stop it.
Well, that's two guys' opinions.
Joanne?
Oh, boy.
It seemed like such a
good idea at the time.
Boy, I wanted that job so
bad. I wanted to make it work.
I guess I just went
over the edge, huh?
Hey, make him talk, Sam.
Make him say my name.
Maybe later, Woody.
My lips are kind
of tired right now.
I know things seem
a little bleak right now,
but, um, I think there's
two important things
to look at here.
One:
at least you took a chance.
And two...
And this is the important one...
You know when to quit.
Yeah, boy, that's true.
You know,
I came real close to
losing my dignity tonight.
I've been thinking about it,
you know, I'm going to hang
up the old Channel 13 blazer.
You know, if that phone
were to ring right now
and they were to beg me to
come back, I wouldn't do it.
I think it's just time
that I grew up and
accepted what I am:
a bartender.
And a damned
good one at that, too.
Cheers.
It's the station.
Well, you're kidding me.
The switchboard's lighting up?
Well, look, hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, I don't
care if they loved me.
I happen to have
a job already...
and I have friends...
and I have my dignity.
Yeah.
Well, thanks anyway.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Very admirable, Mr. Malone.
Well, I still have
a little nobility left.
All right.
Okay, Sam.
Oh, I have to cancel
that relief bartender.
Oh, maybe you ought to, uh...
Hello?
a live studio audience.
I hate this uniform.
It is ugly.
It makes me look
like a beached whale.
And on top of everything
I can't find any
earrings to go with it.
Try some broccoli.
Ha-ha-ha!
I mean it, Sam.
I really hate it.
I used to like it,
but now I'm getting
kind of tired of it.
Feel like I'm wearing
the same thing every day.
Listen, I'm not a
big fan of them either
but let's just give
it our best here.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, Sam... No, no, don't...
Can't you just talk
to the Iron Maiden?
Convince her to get rid of them.
Come on. Oh...
Miss Howe, uh...
about the uniforms.
Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.
The dry cleaning
plant is on strike.
Now, we may not
have fresh uniforms
for at least a week,
so I want you to be
extra careful with those.
Oops.
Oh, no.
Um...
you guys are going to get it.
Didn't you hear
what Miss Howe
just got through...
I get it.
Yo...
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Dave.
All right.
How are you? I know who you are.
I've seen you on the news.
I can't believe it.
Hey, everybody.
It's Dave Richards, Channel 10.
Channel 13.
Oh, sorry.
Never mind.
Sam, I got a
proposition for you.
No, no, no...
if she's not good
enough for you,
I sure don't want her.
No, no, it's nothing like that.
You see, I have to give up
my TV spot, I on Sports.
They're looking for a fill-in
for the week and I thought
you might be interested.
Boy, sports on TV...
I've never really
considered that.
Think I'd be any good at it?
Who knows? It may turn out
to be a permanent gig for you.
That's how I got my start.
Whoo, boy, I don't know.
Oh, come on, Sam.
Come on.
Every time we watch Dave,
you say, "I can do
better than that stump."
Thank you, Carla.
You're too kind.
Come on, Sam.
You'd be great.
You talk good like me
and you're handsome.
Of course, Sam.
What do you say? Listen...
if I were you, okay...
And believe me,
not a day goes by I
don't wish I were...
I would take this job.
Sam, look...
It's a lot of fun.
You see, you get to
sit behind this desk.
You don't have to wear pants.
It's my little joke
on the audience.
I do know sports, and
I'm articulate at that.
Hey, you know something?
I'm going to do it.
All right!
Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
You're on at 11:00.
Wait a minute. Tonight?
Without any
preparation or anything?
Sure, I do it all the time.
Look, I want you to get
down to Wardrobe ASAP, huh?
All right.
See ya.
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, man.
Who do I talk to over there?
A very good friend of mine,
Phil somebody or another.
I forget. Anyway, I got to
get going, meet my lady.
She's terrific. Huh?
This time the Dave Machine
is finally settling down.
Well, hey, congratulations, man.
Excuse me. The
alarm just went off.
I make an ungodly
amount of money
and I know exactly
how to use it.
You must be a
friend of Mr. Malone's.
Well, you know what they say,
"The good-looking
ones travel in pairs."
And, uh,
that's certainly
true in your case.
Do you have the time?
4:30.
Good, 'cause I just wanted
to remember the exact moment
I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
Tough woman, tough woman.
You got that right.
I wear a cup to work.
Well, the pulsating
Dave Machine's history.
All right, man, take care.
Excuse me, Dave.
Dr. Crane here.
If you're interested,
I happen to conduct
a little session
for narcissists
about once a month.
My policy: only show
up if I get an award.
This is the Big Dave
Machine saying good night
and may the sports be with you.
You know,
I bet if you held
your ear up to his,
you could hear the ocean.
I'll have to try it sometime.
It, uh, may not work for you.
Hey, guys,
I'm off to the station.
Listen, do me a favor, will ya?
Woody, Carla, close up for me.
You know...
Whoa, Sammy, you're
forgetting something
a little important here.
What?
You don't own
this joint anymore.
Oh, boy. And even if you did,
Field Marshal Howe
wouldn't give you the night off.
Yeah, yeah. Silly me.
What am I going to
do about this, huh?
Sam, may I suggest deception?
Well...
Hold on your
horses there, Frasier.
As a psychiatrist,
isn't it your job to seek
and uphold the truth?
Oh, get real, Cliff.
You know, you got a
good idea there, Frasier.
Yeah. Lying.
I do lying.
Woody, come here. Do me a favor.
When Miss Howe comes
out of the office here,
go down the hall
and call the bar.
I'll answer.
What do I say?
Nothing. Just stand
there and hold the phone.
Okay, I'll give it a try.
Um, Miss Howe, we're
running low on napkins.
So order more.
I don't know how many more.
I don't run the bar anymore.
Thank you. I appreciate
this very much.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Cheers.
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
What? You say my
apartment's been robbed?
Oh, Sammy!
You say I've been cleaned out?
Well, damn.
Yeah, I guess I could
get over there right away
and maybe expect
not to be back here
for a few hours, huh?
Well, thank you very
much. Thank you.
That was my landlord.
Do you believe this?
I've been robbed.
What's happening to this city?
Go on, Sammy.
Go, Sammy! Go,
Sammy! Go, Sammy, go!
We're a, uh, victim
support group.
I see.
Well, I better hire
a relief bartender.
Hello?
Is there somebody on this phone?
Oh, uh, hi, Miss Howe.
It's-it's me, Woody.
Woody, are you using this phone?
No, no, not really.
What are you doing, Woody?
Oh, I'm just standing
here holding it.
Woody, hang up
the phone, please.
I have to hire another
bartender now.
Oh, no, Miss Howe,
I'm really sorry.
I swear I'll never do it again.
And Keller is scheduled
to be executed on Friday.
I guess he won't be around then
for the Patriots-Buffalo
game this Sunday.
For that and all the sports,
a new member to
the Channel 13 team,
here's former Red Sox
pitcher Sam Malone.
Nice to have you with us,
Sam. Thank you, Joanne.
I'd just like to say
that you look better live
than you do in person.
Thank you.
Oh, very slick.
Very slick indeed.
Yes. Five bucks says
Sammy has Joanne at 11:00.
Red Sox pitcher Paul Willis
went on the 15-day
disabled list today.
Willis has floating
cartilage in his knee
and tomorrow will undergo
arthroscopic surgery.
All right! I can't bel...
On his first night!
Club soda, Woody, please.
Sure, Miss Howe.
Today on This Old House,
we're going to be
grouting counter tile,
so I'm sure you'll want
to stick around for that.
But first, let's
go in the kitchen.
Don't you guys
usually watch sports?
Yeah, well, yeah,
usually, but, uh,
they're going to be putting
up drywall in a minute.
The subflooring
is just being laid.
And now for the I on
Sports commentary.
You know, the world is
full of negative people.
Okay, so the Sox aren't
having such a great season,
but that's no reason to boo
and say bad things about them.
You know, I don't
know where I heard it,
but I thought you were
supposed to root, root, root
for the home team.
So the next time
you're in Fenway,
you can't yell something
nice, don't yell anything at all.
This has been just
one guy's opinion.
Joanne?
Thank you, Sam.
You've given us all
a lot to think about.
We'll be right back
with the weather
after this message.
And we're clear.
That was quite a
commentary, Sam.
Well, I hope I didn't
offend anyone, you know?
I just feel like it
had to be said.
Mm. Would you mind
a little friendly critique?
No, no. Go ahead.
I know this is the first time
you've done this, but
I think you might want
your commentaries
to be a little more...
Oh, what's the word
I'm searching for?
Interesting.
Interesting. Right.
You know, that gives me
something to shoot for there.
Say, uh, there's a
late-breaking story
over at my place
around 12:00-ish.
Care to cover it?
Sorry, I don't do fluff pieces.
And in five, four, three, two...
Well, it was a little chilly
coming into work today.
Dr. Buzz, what does
our weather look like?
Not to waste any of the grout.
Remember, it's
nine cents a ton...
This looks really fascinating.
Oh, I'll say. Gee,
you should've seen
this guy put the
flasher on the roof.
I'm so sorry I missed that.
I was watching Sam do
the sports on Channel 13.
Sammy! Our I on Sports!
How was I?
You were great, Sam.
Hey, I never found the
scores so fascinating.
Yeah, it was pure
Musburger, Sammy.
Sammy, it was the
single greatest
exhibition of sportscasting
I've ever seen in my life.
And I am not just saying
that in order to get a free beer.
If the spirit does move you,
Sammy, I take a size 12 sudsy.
Hey, thank you, guys.
You know, coming
from you, it means a lot.
So, Carla... how was I really?
It was like watching
old people eat.
You delivered the sports fine,
but you got to jazz
up the commentary.
Yeah, yeah, boy, they
said that same thing
down at the station.
You know, you got to
talk about something
a little more
interesting than...
rooting for the home team.
That's like saying,
"let's all drive safely."
There goes
tomorrow's commentary.
You know, I want to
do so great at this job,
but it's kind of
tough, you know?
I got to come up with
five opinions a week.
Well, they couldn't
pay me enough.
You know, I'll worry
about this later.
Right now I got to get
Rebecca to give me
the rest of my nights off.
No problem there, Sammy.
I don't think you
work here anymore.
What are you talking about?
Vampira knows.
She was watching
TV in her office.
She has a TV in there?
Yeah, one of those little
tiny ones, like her heart.
Great.
Uh, Ms. Howe?
I have a confession to make.
You know that story about
my apartment being robbed?
I made that all up.
No!
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, I was
down at Channel 13
doing the sportscast.
Hope you're not mad.
Well, you used to be the boss.
How did you feel when
people lied to you?
Ah, well, I had a rule.
When anyone ever lied to me,
they had to go to bed with me.
Well, that's one way to make
sure it won't happen again.
You know, Mr. Malone,
you haven't been
dealing fairly with me.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just that this...
this means a lot to me.
And now I suppose
you're going to ask me
for the rest of the week off.
Yeah, I know, it's a lot to ask.
No, it isn't.
You're on.
Oh, great. What, am
I fired or something?
Not at all.
Look, I figure one of
two things will happen:
either you'll do well,
they'll offer you a job
and I'll never see you again;
or you'll screw up,
humiliate yourself
and come back here
a crushed and broken man.
Either way, I win.
Son of a gun, you do have heart.
Of course I do.
Tell me though.
What'd you think?
How'd I look out there?
I've never seen you look better.
Really?
You should always be this size.
Let me give you
some advice here:
never do this to a guy.
Guys, guys, he's about to
do the commentary here.
Anybody know what
the topic's going to be?
Well, no, no, he said he
was going to crank it up
by taking a firm stand.
Hey, Woody, wasn't
he rehearsing with you?
Yeah, but he made me
promise not to tell you guys.
It's too exciting.
And I don't remember.
Tonight I'm going
to tackle the issue
that's tearing
professional sports apart...
Natural grass
or artificial turf?
Now this reporter's
not afraid to say
that he's firmly in
favor of natural grass.
It's softer, causes
fewer injuries,
and let's face it, folks:
it looks prettier on TV.
That's just one guy's opinion.
Joanne?
Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere
that in an indoor stadium
it's impossible to
grow real grass.
Well, yes, yes, uh...
in indoor stadiums, you
have to use the fake stuff.
And I've heard that some of
the more recent synthetic blends
actually do help
reduce injuries.
Oh.
Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc.
That's pretty amazing.
So what are you
saying here, Sam?
Well, I guess I'm saying
that I could go either way on it.
So you have no opinion on this?
No, I have two opinions.
And that's one guy's opinions.
The Graf-Everett final
may be a good match-up,
but if you ask this I on Sports,
the fact that Martina
Navratilova decided
to sit this one out...
Ooh, to say "Martina Navra-
whoever" without even...
You know, I got a phone
call today from a teenager
saying I was taking advantage
of my status as an ex-ballplayer
and that old squares like me
shouldn't be doing the sports.
Well, Corky,
tonight's commentary
is directed right at you.
♪ Time to rap about
a controversy ♪
♪ Gonna take a stand,
won't show no mercy ♪
♪ A lot of folks say
jocks shouldn't be ♪
♪ Doing the sports news on TV ♪
♪ I don't want to hear
the latest scores ♪
♪ From a bunch of old
broadcasting school bores ♪
♪ So get your scores
from a guy like me ♪
♪ Who knows what it's
like to have a groin injury ♪
♪ G-G-Groin, g-g-groin ♪
♪ G-G-Groin injury. ♪
Joanne.
Dr. Buzz, there must
be some weather.
Ah, poor Sammy.
Bet you they fired him
after that display, huh?
Yeah, I guess he won't
be showing his face
around here tonight.
Would you come into a place
where everyone thought
you were a complete idiot?
Never mind.
Well, I suppose he's
out wandering the streets,
rapping incoherently.
Yeah, yeah, but
what if he comes in?
What are we going to say to him?
Well, just tell
him he was brave.
Yeah, like a kamikaze pilot.
Wow, I always wanted
to meet one of those guys.
The stories they must tell, huh?
Well, I guess as per usual,
it's up to me as his best
friend to tell him the truth.
You?
I'm sure he'll
understand if I tell him.
Hey, nobody is tighter
with Sammy than me.
I'm the one who
should tell him he stinks.
So...
what'd you think of my
commentary tonight?
I thought you were wonderful.
It just felt great up there.
I tell you, ever since I sold
the bar I've been floundering.
It's like I'm standing
in quicksand.
You know, I've been
trying to get my feet
planted on the ground
and all of a sudden,
it's all come together.
It's like everything
I've ever done in my life
has been leading
up to this moment.
My knowledge of sports, my
good looks, my ability to rhyme.
You know, I tell you, I
think I found my niche in life.
They liked you
down at the station?
Are you kidding, liked me?
Man, they were speechless.
Oh, hey, yeah, Rebecca.
Listen, uh, did you
catch my act tonight?
Yes, I did.
So what'd you think?
Now you can be honest with me.
Honest? Mm-hmm.
Let's see...
as news rappers go, I
thought you were fine.
But maybe rapping has just
been kind of done to death.
Oh, no, you think so?
I mean, I'd hate to think
I looked stupid out there.
No, no, not at all.
No, no, no, it's just that
it's not unique anymore, Sam.
I mean, uh, you know,
it'd be one thing if you
were the first guy to rap,
but they're rapping on
stations all over town.
You don't want to be the
last on a long train of rappers.
Yeah, Norm is
right there, Sammy.
I mean, you got to
do something different.
Do something revolutionary,
something that no
sportscaster does anymore.
You know, like,
uh... read the sports.
You know, I have been
working on something,
but I was afraid
it was too much.
But if you guys think
that rapping's old hat...
you know, I just
may give it a shot.
I'm going to work on it
right now, as a matter of fact.
Suppose we ought to stop him?
Oh, no, wait a minute.
How do we know it's going
to be another bad idea?
I mean, it couldn't be as
bad as tonight, could it?
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Little Sam.
Are you ready for tonight's...
Oh, my God.
I sure am.
I think the Red Sox
are making a big mistake
trading away young
players for veterans
who can only help
them for a season or two.
Don't you agree, Little Sam?
No, I think you're
full of hooey.
If I paid five bucks
to get in the ballpark,
I want to see them win now.
What do you know?
Your head's wooden.
Well, your lips are moving.
If either of them
mentions the bar, I'm suing.
Stop it.
Well, that's two guys' opinions.
Joanne?
Oh, boy.
It seemed like such a
good idea at the time.
Boy, I wanted that job so
bad. I wanted to make it work.
I guess I just went
over the edge, huh?
Hey, make him talk, Sam.
Make him say my name.
Maybe later, Woody.
My lips are kind
of tired right now.
I know things seem
a little bleak right now,
but, um, I think there's
two important things
to look at here.
One:
at least you took a chance.
And two...
And this is the important one...
You know when to quit.
Yeah, boy, that's true.
You know,
I came real close to
losing my dignity tonight.
I've been thinking about it,
you know, I'm going to hang
up the old Channel 13 blazer.
You know, if that phone
were to ring right now
and they were to beg me to
come back, I wouldn't do it.
I think it's just time
that I grew up and
accepted what I am:
a bartender.
And a damned
good one at that, too.
Cheers.
It's the station.
Well, you're kidding me.
The switchboard's lighting up?
Well, look, hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, I don't
care if they loved me.
I happen to have
a job already...
and I have friends...
and I have my dignity.
Yeah.
Well, thanks anyway.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Very admirable, Mr. Malone.
Well, I still have
a little nobility left.
All right.
Okay, Sam.
Oh, I have to cancel
that relief bartender.
Oh, maybe you ought to, uh...
Hello?