Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 1 - Home Is the Sailor - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hi, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Woody.

Set me up, will you?

Coming right up.

Boy, you know,

no matter how many
times I come in here,

I can't get over
how silly you look

in that ridiculous outfit.

Really?

I kind of like it.



People treat me with
a little more respect.

And there's another bonus.

Saves me that couple extra hours

I used to spend every morning

picking out a shirt.

Yes, that can be
very time consuming.

Whatever happened
to the good old days?

Everything was better.

Sam still owned the bar.

He wasn't out
circumnavigating the globe.

Yonder sat Diane with a book.

Norm and Cliff were
permanent fixtures in this place.

God, how I miss those
hail-fellows-well-met.

Where has it gone, Woody?



Oh, hey, come on, Dr. Crane.

It'll be all right.

Will it?

"Oh, death in life, the
days that are no more."

Who said that?

Who said what?

"Oh, death in life, the
days that are no more."

You did.

No, no, you see, I
mean who said it first?

Y-You said it both times.

You know, you're right, Woody.

Some things never change.

Especially the simple ones.

And don't you forget it.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Well, that was it, Woody.

Last chance; I'm out of here.

You caught them by surprise.

I'm telling you, they'll get it.

Woody, new crowd's
a bunch of stiffs, okay?

They're never going to get it.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Eddie.

How you doing?

Good, how are you?
Good. You know,

I passed Norm
Peterson on the stairs.

He didn't give me
the time of day.

Oh, it's 3:15.

Thanks.

Well, would you like a drink,

or did you just
drop in for the time?

Now that you mentioned it.

Say, is, uh, Carla around?

She said she
wanted to talk to me.

Said it was real important, eh?

She just went upstairs.

She'll be back down in a minute.

Good.

Well, we haven't seen
you for a while, eh?

Yeah, you know, Carla
and I kind of drifted apart.

I don't know, I haven't
seen her in months.

The usual? You bet, Woody.

Good memory.

Thanks.

What is your usual?

Uh, just give me a beer.

Coming right up. Sam around?

Oh, didn't you hear? No.

Sam sold the bar to
some big corporation.

Bought a boat.

He's sailing around
the world with it.

Hey, well, good for Sam.

Thought he was
supposed to get married.

Well, Miss Chambers

went off to write her book,

only that didn't work out,

and last we heard, she
was out in Hollywood

trying to write for TV.

I'll bet whatever
she comes up with,

it'll be pretty darn good.

I bet it will.

Oh, Eddie?

Hey, Carla.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

Okay, see ya.

Yeah, see ya, Eddie.

So, Carla,

what did Eddie say about
his impending fatherhood?

He wants to think about it.

Mmm.

Well, my guess is he'll do

exactly what I or any
normal, red-blooded men

would do in this situation.

On the other hand,

you might actually
hear from him again.

No, I'm joking, I'm joking.

Come on, am I the only
cut-up left in this morgue?

Come on!

Remember the old days
when things were fun?

Do you remember when the
bar was brimming with scamps,

and atop every barstool

perched an irrepressible
Merry-Andrew?

You remember that, Sam?

Oh, my God, Sam! Sam!

Sam, you're back!

Ah, yeah, you bet I'm back.

Oh, look at... Woody!

Hey, man, how are you?!

Good. Whoo! Look at this.

Hey, everybody.

Who are these people?

Things just aren't the
same anymore, Sam.

Boy, yeah, I'll say.

Can't believe the number
of changes around here.

Thank God you're
still pregnant, huh?

Yeah.

Who's the lucky guy?

Everybody but Eddie LeBec.

Eddie.

Yeah. You thirsty?
I'll get you a seltzer.

Yeah, get me
something to drink here.

Sam, what happened

to your around-the-world sail?

Well, it kind of lost some
of its appeal, Woody,

after I sank.

Sank? Where?

Somewhere in the Caribbean.

Well, you must feel terrible.

Well, no, not really.

You know, a lot of
good came out of it.

I discovered a reef

that nobody had ever heard of,

and even named it after me.

"No Brains Atoll."

Maybe you two should
start calling each other

in the morning.

Sammy,

it's part of the new regime.

They're running this
joint like a military outfit.

Well, that's too bad.

Oh, no, look at that.

What happened to my photograph?

Never mind; now you're back,

you can buy back the bar,

things can be the way they were.

I don't have enough money
to buy back an ice cube.

But anyway, you know,
hey, I just want to work here.

If I can't be the boss,

I can at least be the
highest-paid employee.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

We got two bartenders
already, Sam.

You're kidding. Who?

Well, hold onto your sides.

I'm going to introduce
you to Mr. Chucklepuss.

Hey, Wayne.

Sam...

this is Wayne;
Wayne, Sam Malone.

How do you do? Hello.

Sorry, Wayne, but Sam is
going to take over your job.

Yeah, well, there's no reason

why you can't hang around

and be a relief bartender.

I'm hardly a relief bartender.

Yeah, that's right.

You know, uh, Wayne

has bored the hell out of people

in some of the finest bars
and restaurants in Boston.

And as he'd be the
first one to tell you,

he can make any
drink known to man.

Oh, is that right?

Try me. Okay.

Um, a moonbeam.

With or without curaçao?

Serendipity, neat.

That only comes with ice.

Saddleback. Onion or olive?

Both. Stick 'em
in your nostrils.

Well, that's all right.

What the hell, I'll just come
at this from another angle.

Uh, who's, uh, who's
running the show now?

Oh, no, no, I-I wouldn't
approach it that way.

No, this new manager
eats live sharks for breakfast.

Ah, but don't go by me.

I've hated every
boss I've ever had.

How can you say that?

I was your boss.

Yeah, right.

Oh, I was; come on.

Anyway, I really hate her.

"Her"? Whoa... a woman?

Oh, is she married?

Who'd marry her?

An unmarried woman.

Might take me all of five
minutes to get my job back.

Ha-ha-ha.

Why? What?

Oh, no, what, is she
one of those pasty-faced

little business school
graduates with thick glasses

and her hair
pulled back so tight

she hears through her
eyes... One of those?

She's coming right now.

Why don't you be

the judge of that?

Watch this.

I came up with a
few new grabbers

while I was out at sea.

Mm-boo-ah.

Miss Rebecca Howe, Sam Malone.

Sam, Rebecca Howe.

How do you do?

Ah-voo-ah.

And to you.

If you'll excuse me.

Boy, you know,

she's almost as
great-looking as I am.

Almost.

Gee, I wonder what she'll
make me for breakfast?

Miss Tortelli, you have

a couple of
customers in the corner

that look like they're on
the verge of a good time.

You better hurry over there
and put your usual stop to it.

Yes, ma'am.

Good afternoon, Miss Howe.

Hello, Woody.

I mean Wayne.

Did you lose your
name tag again?

Yeah.

But I found my pants.

Keep up the good work, Woody.

Uh, excuse me.

Um, I want to apologize

for my behavior back there.

I was led astray.

Somebody told me that
you were kind of a schnauzer.

Uh... Sam Malone.

Yes. Yes. You're the gentleman

that used to own this bar.

Well, I heard you were
sailing around the world.

Well, I was going
to do that, but, uh,

something kept
pulling me back here,

and I just couldn't figure
out what it was, till now.

Which reminds me of the
other thing I heard about you.

Oh, no...

Wait, let me set the
record straight here.

There have been
a lot of ridiculous,

unbelievable rumors
about my sexual prowess.

I just want to tell
you that most of them

are right on the money.

You know, Mr. Malone,

we've known each
other only seconds,

and I'm already tired of you.

Uh, w-w-wait a minute,

wait a minute.

I know you think you've had

just about enough
excitement for one day,

but there's more.

I'm back... and I'm ready
to jump behind the bar.

We're fully staffed, Mr. Malone.

Jump somewhere else.

Uh, well, hold on a second.

Can't we, uh, can't
we discuss this?

We just did.

No, no, no, I meant
someplace private

where we could
slip out of our things

and say howdy.

I don't know

if I find your come-ons

disgusting or merely pathetic.

I do know you're
giving me a headache

behind the eyes.

It feels like a little insect

boring into my brain.

Oh...!

You didn't knock.

Habit.

Oh, my God.

Boy, this place
doesn't even look

like my office anymore.

Thank you; it wasn't easy.

How could you do this?

I mean, you-you
took away all the...

all the charm, all the warmth.

Where's Dave?

"Dave"?

My moose head.

I set him free.

If he really loves
you, he'll come back.

This is, uh, a lot of
changes to absorb

in such a short time here.

Would you just get out of here?

Oh, hey, come on.

Lighten up.

Running a bar should
be fun, you know?

No, visiting a
bar should be fun.

Running a bar is hard work.

Mr. Malone, I have had a great
deal of training and education

to get to this point,
and it's important to me

that I succeed; that it succeed.

Well, in that case,

you're missing a
great opportunity here.

You see, having a
sports celebrity in the bar

is great for business.

I mean, you take
a look at your, uh...

You take a look at your, uh,

at your major places
in Atlantic City.

They got your Willie Mays,

your Mickey Mantle...

It seems a critical
difference here

is that I've heard
of those people.

Oh, now...

Wait a second here.

You know, a lot of
people may not know this,

but I happen to be quite famous.

Well, I don't care if
you're famous or not...

I don't need a bartender.

But you're perfectly welcome

to come here as
a patron anytime.

And I personally guarantee

you'll be treated
with every courtesy.

Unless you're waited
on by Miss Tortelli.

Now, if you don't mind...

Wait-wait a second here.

Um...

I sold this bar

because it had a lot of, uh,

bad memories for me.

But once I got away from it,

I realized that it had

a lot of good memories, too.

Mr. Malone, I really...

Please, please listen.

I'm not enjoying this, either.

There was, uh, one memory

in particular that

I have been trying to shake.

See, I was, uh,

I was afraid that I was gonna

walk in here today, and, uh...

see her face
everywhere I looked,

but instead, what I saw was

all these silly changes
you made in here.

I happen to think it's...

No, no, I mean, it was good.

It helped me.

Look, what I'm trying to say is,

uh, this place is
the closest thing

I have to a real home.

I want to come back.

Please.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Malone.

I wish that I could help.

I see.

Wait a minute.

I guess we could use

another relief bartender
a couple of nights a week.

Well, it's a start.

I appreciate that.

Don't mention it.

You've had some tough breaks.

Oh, not so bad really.

You lost the bar.

And now you tell
me that's your home.

You lost your girlfriend.

And I guess you were
some sort of an athlete

who's having

a lot of trouble
getting over it.

Anyway,

I just hope working here

can help fill a little
of the emptiness.

Yeah, well, I'm sure it will.

Thanks again.

You're not doing this
out of pity, are you?

Pity?

Well, yeah. I...

I can't take this
job if it's just pity.

It's not just pity.
There are other things.

Oh. Well, good.

Like what?

Like...

It's pity.

Just pity?

Just pity.

No respect?

No.

No personal value?

Do you like my shirt?

Actually, that's a great shirt.

Well, you know what they say.

Uh, pity and a nice shirt,

and the world's
your oyster, huh?

Well, uh, I got the job.

All right. Wow!

Great.

Well, it's-it's only
part time, you know.

I mean, you do
have two bartenders.

Yeah, well, maybe not for long.

I've already launched

"Operation Wayne
Down the Dwain."

Our boys are in the air.

What do you mean?

Wha...

Cheers.

Mr. Malone, will you
fill out this W-4 form

and return it to me? You bet.

Mr. Drake for you.

Give it to me.
No, wait a minute.

I'll get it in my office.

I locked myself out.

No, I didn't.

Well, so much for
her dress shield.

Why?

Who-who's this, uh...

who's this Drake guy?

He's vice president of the
corporation you sold out to,

and she's got a third-degree
case of the hots for him,

and he doesn't know she's alive.

Yeah, I have my doubts myself.

Mm.

Hey, Carla, you used to, uh,

listen in on my
phone conversations.

Never. I'm insulted.

Show me how to do it, will you?

Just press that third button,

pick up the receiver.

Well, no, I have not sent
that statement over yet,

but I'll send it right away.

No, it's no problem, I love you.

I mean, I'd love to.

I'd love to.

Oh, by the way, I hired
a new relief bartender.

Kind of a sad case, really.

Sam Malone. Used
to play for the Red...

Yes, that's him.

Well, of course I tried
to get him full time.

Wonderful drawing card.

Yes, sir.

I'll sweeten the offer.

Of course.

Thank you.

Good-bye.

Rats.

Mr. Malone?

May I speak with you a moment?

Sure, what's up, Becky?

I've just been in there
thinking. Mm-hmm.

You know, maybe I'm cutting off

the bar's association
with sports too quickly.

Oh, I don't know, Becks,

I think you were right

in the first place.

Besides, I, uh, I
don't think I could live

on a relief bartender's salary.

Well, what if I
made you full time?

I don't think I could survive

on a full-time bartender's
paycheck, either.

Does that, uh, include
all the usual perks...

Medical,

dental,

horizontal?

Mr. Malone, we can
discuss the terms later.

The important thing

is that you come
back to work here.

Oh, I don't know.

Please.

Since you're
practically begging...

Ha! yeah, I guess
I could take the job.

Uh, you know, I'm gonna

hate the see Wayne
hit the streets.

Yes, I agree.

Woody, may I see you
in my office, please?

You bet, Miss Howe.

No, no, wait, uh, no, not Woody.

Uh, what about Wayne?

I happen to think Wayne
is a very talented bartender.

I don't think he's so great.

No, Ms. Tortelli?

No.

I bet there are a lot of drinks
he doesn't know how to make.

Impossible.

I know every drink there is.

Oh, yeah?

I say that a customer is
gonna come into this bar tonight

and order a drink
you've never heard of.

No way, never happen.

Well, if it does,

will you take a hike?

All right.

And if I win?

Then you get Sam's sailboat.

Deal, Sam?

It's a deal.

You're on.

I love sailing.

Oh.

This looks like a
nice, friendly tavern.

Heck, I'll give it a chance.

Norm!

Not now, you idiot.

Yes, sir.

Let's see.

What do I feel like today?

What am I in the mood for?

I guess a, uh,
Screaming Viking'd do it.

Don't you, uh

mean a Laughing Swede?

No.

What's the matter, Wayne?

You heard the man.

That drink does not exist.

There's been many a morning

I wished to God it hadn't.

I've never heard of that drink,

and no one else has, either.

This gentleman made it up.

Do I have to take
my business else...

No, please, sir.

Excuse me, Miss
Howe, I can make that.

You want the cucumber bruised?

Slightly.

Shall I get your coat, Wayne?

There is no such thing
as a Screaming Viking.

I assure you, Miss Howe.

Screaming Viking
over here, please.

I don't know what's going on
here, but I've been a barten...

Bartender, make it two.

Coming right up.

Wait a minute!

There is no such
drink as a Screaming...

Uh, I think I'll have
a Screaming Viking.

Although, the, uh...

the name itself is a misnomer,

since the Vikings
were not actually

the murderous plunder...

Would you shut up!

And welcome, stranger.

You know what
I'm in the mood for?

Screaming Viking.

Screaming Viking!
Screaming Viking!

Yeah, Screaming Viking.

Screaming Viking!
Screaming Viking!

Miss Howe!

I'm sorry. I gave it a shot.

But obviously, I am not liked

by the customers
or the employees.

Screaming Viking!

I haven't been called
that since my honeymoon.

Mr. Malone?

May I see you in my office?

Yes, ma'am.

Whoo-hoo.

Here's to the best
Screaming Viking in town.

Here you go.

What's this?

A severance check.

Please be a stranger.

Why? Wha...

What did I do?

In baseball-ese, Mr. Malone,

you showed me up.

You and the rest

of the katzenjammer kids.

Good-bye.

Now, wait a minute.

What about that conversation
you had with your, uh...

My what?

Your-your heart.

Your heart.

Y-You pity me.

You've spent your
pity, Mr. Malone.

Okay, fine.

Yeah, you know, I don't
want your pity, anyway.

You know, I can
live without this job.

I'll find another way
of supporting myself.

And my mother.

I mean, now that the
doctor's only giving me

six months to live.

Come on!

Please listen.

I swear to you, nothing
like this'll ever happen again.

Come on, a decent boss
would give me a second chance.

And I'll tell you
something, I...

Don't say, "A guy would."

I wasn't gonna
say, "A guy would."

But he would.

All right.

I'll give you another chance.

All right, thank you. Thank you.

But I want to make
something very clear.

Okay.

You've just got one chance left.

Mm-hmm.

And as far as I'm concerned...

Again, in baseball-ese...

It's the bottom of the ninth,

you've got two outs,

two strikes,

and no balls.

Okay, all right.

I'm still at the
plate, though, right?

Right.

All right.

Now, I think Woody
would probably appreciate

a little help out there.

Yes, ma'am.

Can...

Can I ask you just
one small favor?

What?

Can I see you smile?

Why?

You know, it'd just
be a friendly gesture,

to prove there are
no hard feelings.

Oh, come on,

I bet you're the kind of girl

that lights up a room
when she smiles.

That's stupid.

I'll give you a little help.

Watch this, watch this.

Hmm.

Gee, I was wrong.