Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 4 - Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 - full transcript

Last time on Cheers:

Hey, Sam, me and
Eddie are getting married!

She's, uh, quite a catch, Ed.

Seems that Eddie and I
picked the one day of the century

when all the planets
and constellations

are in perfect alignment.

So we either get married
by 4:00 p.m. today,

or we wait until the year 2042.

This is going to be
an interesting wedding,

the two most superstitious
people in the world.

Hey, hey, don't say
that. It's bad luck.



Our love can conquer any
bad luck that comes our way.

Hey, that's my mirror.

I mean it, Anthony
and Annie moving in...

You don't want to come and live

in my little, tiny
overcrowded house.

Your ma hating me...

I'm so happy to meet you.

Car-la.

Anthony hating you...

You are not my father...

and you never will be.

Twins...

I had twins once.

It was the happiest
day of my life.



Every time one of these
little, piddly things came up,

I kept thinking you were
going to say the wedding's off.

The wedding's off.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Hey, Mr. Peterson,
would you like a beer?

No, I'd like a
dead cat in a glass.

Men, you are looking
at one sharp bargainer.

Not only did I get
Carla and Eddie

eight sterling-silver
place settings, but

I also got Bruce to throw in

matching weenie
tongs and lemon zester.

That's great, man, except...

the wedding's been called off.

Ah...

So what happened?

Eddie freaked out
about being a father?

No.

Eddie's mom met Carla.

Hate at first sight.

Yeah, how'd you know?

Well, that's the "law" part
of "mother-in-law," see.

So Eddie's not
going to marry Carla

because his mother
doesn't approve.

I tell you, it's pathetic

to see a grown man so
tied to his ma's apron strings.

Well, that reminds me,
Mr. Clavin, you mother called

and said she couldn't
make it for dinner tonight.

Oh, great. What
am I supposed to do

with that casserole...
Just throw it away?

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Mr. Malone,

remember that reception
you talked me into?

Well, it seems that
the bride is in my office

and she's having a little
problem with the groom.

She wants him to
die with festering boils.

It's just the usual
prenuptial jitters.

It'll be all right.

It will not be all right.

I invited my boss,

and he's really
excited about this.

Now, if Mr. Drake shows up here

expecting a reception
and there isn't a reception,

I'm gonna have
egg all over my face.

Actually, uh, you know,
most complexion experts

swear by the old egg facial.

It tightens one's pores.

Although yours look
pretty tight to me.

I want to talk to you a minute.

Miss Howe, I think I can get
this wedding back on track.

Thank God.

Yeah, but I have
one little condition.

You pull this off and you
can have anything you want.

Really?

Except that.

Actually, all I want to do

is get rid of these
stupid uniforms.

Mr. Malone, ever since
you have worked here,

you have done nothing

but whine about these uniforms.

Now, I put a great deal
of thought into them

and I happen to think they
make a statement. Oh, yeah.

They say I'm a lima bean.

All right. Fine, fine.

If you insist on
keeping these uniforms,

then there'll be no wedding,

no wedding reception,

and you and Mr. Drake can
spend an intimate evening

watching 40 quarts of
guacamole turn black.

Fine, fine.

Get rid of the uniforms.

Okay.

Woody.

Yo. Get on the phone.

Tell the church we're
running a little bit late.

Cliff, see if you can
catch up with Eddie there.

You betcha. Norm,

stay in the office
and make sure Carla

does not trash it. Yes, you.

Frasier. Go pick up
Carla's gown, will you?

Right. Oh, say, if
anybody needs me,

Just tell them I'm at
Gown-O-Rama, tra-la.

That was all well and good.

Thank you.

How do you plan on getting the
bride and groom back together?

I'm going to rely on my wits.

Well, you're halfway there.

You better believe it.

Sam.

Father Berry at Carla's church

said we gotta hurry

because he's got two weddings

planned after
Carla's, a bake sale,

a slide show of the Knights of
Columbus' trip to the Holy Land,

and a CYO hootenanny.

Thank you, Woody.

Sam? Mmm?

I'm, uh... I'm thinking
of becoming Catholic.

We'll talk about it later.

Hey, Sammy, I got Eddie.

Great. Where's Mama?

I tipped the cabbie to
take her back to the hotel.

You already paid back that buck.

I'm not gonna marry her, Sam.

I mean, I can't go
against mémère's wishes.

Maybe some day, after
Mama gets to know her

and starts to like her...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about the planets
and the tea leaves?

I mean, if you
don't marry her now,

you're going to
have to wait till 2042.

Sam, it's no use.

I mean, maybe Carla's right.

Ever since I saw her
on our wedding day,

we've had nothing but bad luck.

You know, I happen
to think that it's bad luck

to be a jerk to the
woman you're in love with.

Now, come on, Eddie.

Just talk to her.

Okay. I guess I
could just talk to her.

Great, great,

great, great, great,
hold that thought.

How's it going? Pretty
good, pretty good.

It better be, or
my butt's in a sling.

Is there room for two in there?

Eddie's arm.

His neck.

How's it going?

Oh, not too bad.

I don't think we've
broken anything vital yet.

Eddie's foot.

Sweetheart. Eddie's femur.

Sit down. Hey. Stop, stop.

Would you give the
guy a break, please?

He had to break a mirror, right?

He had to spill the salt.

He had to thumb
his nose to the Fates,

and look what happened.

They turned him into a wuss.

The important thing is
that the wuss came back.

Does he have a note
from his mommy?

Oh, come on,
just talk to the guy.

I don't talk to
spineless jellyfish.

All right, fine. I'll just, uh,

go out there and
tell him to leave.

Hey.

Does he look really
pathetic and cute?

Have you ever seen a puppy...

in the rain?

Well...

I guess I can

let him off the hook, but first!

He has to come in here, get
down on his knees and sweat blood.

He was hoping you'd say that.

You're smiling.

The wedding's on. Oh, yeah.

This uniform is almost off.

Old engineer Sammy's
got the matrimony express

right back on schedule.

Eddie. Eddie, Eddie.

Wait a minute, man. Whoa.

Where you going?

I can't face her right now.

I mean, even if I
did change my mind

and decide to stand up to Mama,

Carla would never forgive
me for the way I ran out.

I mean, if I went
in there right now,

she'd tear my head off.

Come on, Eddie.

I think you're underestimating
Carla just a bit here.

What, you don't
think she'll be mad?

No, I don't think she'll
stop at your head.

Norm...

Listen, she wants
to forgive you.

All you two need is a few
moments together in private.

Okay, but could
we do it out here,

where there are
plenty of witnesses?

All right. Okay.

Just sit down right here. Relax.

If he even looks at
the door, break his legs.

Sam!

The wedding frock you ordered.

I got some pretty weird
looks on the bus with this thing.

There was also one
rather interesting invitation.

Sam.

Father Berry.

The other wedding party's

starting to stack
up in the vestibule.

Ah, I can't talk
to him now, man.

I-I gotta talk to Eddie here.

I just talked to Eddie.

I gotta talk to Carla.

Carla? Mm-hmm.

Carla.

Father Berry?

Listen, Sam can't
talk right now, but, uh...

while I got you on the phone,
can I ask you a question?

Do you have to pay
any membership dues

to be a Catholic?

I told you I
wouldn't talk to him

unless he comes in here begging.

Come on. Carla, we don't
have time for this nonsense.

Hey, I got an idea.

Get out of your clothes.

Oh, Sammy, any
other time I'd love to,

but, really...

Well, I just think that, you
know, uh, you're sweaty.

You're tired, Maybe you'd

like to change into
something else.

Well, hey, like
this, for instance.

No way.

Oh, come on.
Just, just try it on.

You know, see how it fits

in case you want to
get married someday.

Years from now.

Years from now. Well, you know,

I might not be pregnant then.

Right.

Come on.

Oh, what the heck.

This might be the
last chance I get

to see what I look
like in one of these.

Yeah.

Besides, I'm out 36 bucks.

Eddie, Eddie.

Sammy.

I know what you're doing here.

You think I'm going
to get all decked out

like Miss Bride of the Year,

take one look in the mirror

and forget all about
being mad at Eddie.

And I'm going to go out there,

and Eddie's going
to take one look at me

and forget all about
his mother. Then,

we'll march down the aisle
and live happily ever after.

Am I right?

Yeah, that's basically it.

You got a problem with that?

Nah, just checking.

Here I come.

Woo-woo.

Sam...

Do you really mean "woo-woo,"

or are you just
saying "woo-woo"?

No, no. I don't say
"woo-woos" lightly. Huh?

Holá.

Okay.

Ah, look at you.

Okay. Let's give it a shot.

All right.

Sammy, zip me.

Well, I'll be darned.

These things go up, too, huh?

Oh, Carla.

You look...

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Oh... Oh, listen.

Let's get to the church.

We have to get
married before 4:00.

Hot dog!

Care to help me with my pants?

Carla? It's your church.

Would you tell them
we're on our way.

Well, that's just it.
They had to go ahead

with the other wedding
and cancel yours.

I knew it.

I knew it!

You're out of uniform.

Dear friends, you
have come together...

It sure was nice
of the Monsignor

to let Carla and
Eddie get married here

in the rectory chapel.

Yeah, it was kind of nice of us

to buy all those
raffle tickets, too.

Good Lord, it's crowded in here.

But on the upside,

it does satiate any desire I
might have had to visit Tokyo.

Edward, have you come
here freely without reservation

to give yourself to
Carla in marriage?

Edward?

Carla, where's Edward?

Carla? Where's Carla?

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Lady with a baby.

Excuse... Would
you get off the dress!

All right, all right, all right.

Crank it up, Father.

All the forces in the universe
say we have to be done by 4:00.

Oh, no!

Do you, Edward Raymond,
take Carla Maria Victoria...

Hurry! Hurry! Please, hurry!

Angelina Theresa Apollonia...

Oh, rat!

Why couldn't my parents
have named me Judy?

Go on, go on, go on.

Hey, here they come!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Appearing for the first time
anywhere, the happy couple,

Mr. and Mrs. Eddie LeBec.

That's a keeper.

Hey, guys, it's
your wedding day.

Show a little teeth
here, all right?

I can't, Sammy.

We were pronounced
man and wife at 4:01.

We might as well have
been pronounced dead.

We're doomed.

Music, music!

Aw, come on, you guys.

Think about all
the wedding gifts

you got to open over there.

Yeah.

I guess I should be grateful

Eddy didn't fall down
the church steps

and break his leg.

How is it, anyway?

I think I just
wrenched it a little.

They don't look too happy to me.

No. They do look
married, though.

What's that ugly-looking thing?

It's not an ugly thing.

It's a Wabby.

What's a Wabby, Webecca?

It's a "Women of
Boston Business" award.

I'm very proud of it.

It happens to be
very prestigious.

Thousands of women have won it.

What's it doing out here?

You trying to impress your boss?

I'm glad you reminded me.

I'm completely
forgot he was coming.

Yeah, sure you did.

Hey, you know,

every time Evan Drake's
name gets mentioned

you get a little red
around the gills.

Do you have a crush
on him or something?

I beg your pardon.

He happens to be a married man.

Although not happily.

Oh, you do have a crush on him.

How cute!

"Oh, Evan, Evan."

Great stuffed
mushrooms, Cliffie.

Try the Swedish meatballs.

They're out of this world.

Yeah.

Ooh, try 'em together! Together!

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Do you plan on leaving

any hors d'oeuvres
for latecomers?

Hey, you snooze, you lose.

Ooh-ooh! Rumaki!

Come on.

And now it's time for
the traditional first dance,

and we all know
who's going to start it.

Holy cow, it isn't me, is it?

Let's welcome

the happy couple Carla
and Eddie to the dance floor.

♪ The greatest love
the world has known... ♪

Hit me again, Harley.

Third time's the charm.

So, uh, where's your
big-shot lover boy?

I told you he is
not my lover boy.

The big shot SOB
is in a meeting.

Choke on it.

There's a happy pair.

Say cheeseburger.

Uh, no, no.

All right, that was a good one,

even with Miss Howe's
eyes kinda gimpy like that.

Oh, Norm, look.

We forgot about
the dessert table.

And we call ourselves guests.

Ma, you want to trade partners?

Why not? I'm going to die.

I'm going to dance
with my mother, all right?

How about a cup of coffee, huh?

Why would I do that?

Well, because I've seen

a lot of ladies hit the
champagne in my time.

One minute they're
doing just fine.

The next minute it kind
of sneaks up on them

and they're doing all sorts

of wild and crazy...

Why am I giving you coffee?

So, Eddie,

what's Mother
Tortelli like in bed?

What are you
looking at, pretty lady?

I'm looking at you.

Well, I'm looking back at you.

I think I'm beginning to see you

in a whole new light.

Why don't you tell
me what you see?

You have a really weird face.

Your eyebrows
are growing together

like a big old ugly caterpillar.

Oh, look, they're
cutting the cake.

And now as the hour draws late,

it's time for the bride
to throw the bouquet.

Okay, come on,
come on, everybody.

You all ready?

Okay, heads up, you old maids.

Dr. Crane, a girl's supposed
to catch the bouquet.

Well, then the girls
should have been

a little bit quicker.

Here, knock yourself out.

I think it's time
for me to pack it in.

Uh, you know, I don't think

you're in any condition
to drive, Miss Howe.

Let me give you a
lift home, all right?

I don't know.

I've never been alone in a
car with such a hairy guy.

Are you sure you weren't
in The Planet of The Apes?

Can anybody else
please take me home?

There's room in our car.

You can sit on my lap.

Darling, you're married now.

You don't have a lap.

Come on. You think I'm so ugly?

I'll let you get a bag

and put it over
my head, all right?

Just a minute.
Let me get my bag.

And yours.

I'm not crazy about
the way that girl flirts.

And now, folks,

as the lucky couple gets ready

to embark on their
new life together,

let's all throw some
rice, the symbol of fertility.

Ow!

Oh, ow!

Ah!

I can't go out here, Eddie.

Why?

No, it's too dangerous.

I'm okay.

Who are we trying to kid here?

We're living in the
shadow of the curse

we brought on ourselves.

I can't go on with this.

Come on, Carla.

No, no, no.

I think maybe we
should get an annulment.

Oh, would you two stop it?!

I can't believe...

This should be the
happiest day of your lives,

and all you've done
is moan and groan

all day long. I mean, come on.

It's one thing to play along

with this superstition stuff
for, you know, for some fun,

but you're letting it interfere

with your happiness here.

You two are wonderful.

You got everything in your life

to look forward to.

Please, please,
come on. Trust me.

Nothing bad is going to happen.

You got my
personal word on that.

I mean, superstition,
it's for the birds.

Just go on with
your normal life.

Woody, do you mind?

All right, fine. Go
ahead. Answer it.

It's probably just
somebody who wants

to, uh, know what
time the bar closes.

We close at 2:00.

Eddie, it's for you.

Some guy from the Bruins.

Maybe, maybe you oughta...

Probably just want to
congratulate me on my wedding.

Yeah, right.
That's it. That's it.

Hello.

Oh, hiya, Frank

Yeah, how's it going?

It's Frank.

Yeah,

uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Good-bye, Frank.

Do I smell a bonus?

They cut me from the team.

They're going with
the youth movement.

They tried to trade me,
but nobody wanted me.

I'm sorry, Carla.

I guess all the superstitions

finally caught up with us.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I can blame a lot of
things on superstition,

but you aren't the greatest
goalie in the world, honey.

What are you
saying to me, Carla?

Well, you know, the end of
last year you were losing it,

and now you're older,
and your reflexes are shot.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I'm feeling a lot
better already.

And if that wasn't
because of superstition,

then maybe the twins
aren't bad luck either.

Could it be possible

that I'm just having twins
because the eggs split?

Whoa, whoa!

And maybe your mother
hates me because she's stupid.

And Anthony hates you

because he takes after
his no-good rat-faced father.

And all those things that
we thought were bad luck

had nothing to do
with superstition.

It was just...

life.

Unfortunately, it
happens to be my life.

What the heck?

I'm married and in
love with a great guy.

So, I guess that
evens things up.

No, it doesn't.

But it makes life worth living.

No, it doesn't.

But it's something.

So let's get on with it.

What do you say, hubby?

I say let's get on with
the honeymoon, eh?

See you at 2:00 A.M.

Somebody's got to
work in this family.

Hi. I'm Mrs. Eddie LeBec.

What'll you have?