Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 24 - The Big Kiss-Off - full transcript
Sam out to prove that he is STILL hot and Woody out to prove that he IS hot compete to see which one of them can kiss Rebecca first before midnight. While Woody asks Rebecca to help him rehearse a romantic scene Sam comes into the bar in Uniform because he has inlisted. Rebecca becomes suspicious over what's going on asks Carla who is happy to do something that will embarrase both Sam and Woody tells Rebecca who decides to set up the guys and in the end they both get a liplock, from each other.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh, Fras.
You make it
home okay last night, buddy?
Yeah, thanks for
putting me in that cab.
I figured you had
a little too much
when you started making fun
of that longshoreman's mother.
Oh, Lord, I don't
remember a thing.
What-what did I say?
Something like, uh,
"Unions are for mommy's boys
who can't get their own jobs,"
I think.
Oh, why didn't he kill me?
Well, you-you said
you wanted to wait and
take him on when there
were more people here.
So, uh,
you said you'd meet
the guy back here today,
about, uh, right about
now, actually.
No, wait. Whoa, whoa.
The guy couldn't make it!
Whoop, there he is.
Oh, oh!
No, no, no, no, no.
That's just a car.
Okay, why are you taunting me
like some sort of play thing?
It's just my little
hangover cure.
Didn't help me a bit.
No, but mine's gone completely.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
How you doing, Woody?
Fine.
Is that a new shirt?
You mean the one I'm wearing?
Yes.
You look very nice today.
Very... cute.
Really?
You...
You mean it?
Me? I mean,
me... you think me look cute?
Well, I did.
Hey, fella.
You a little sweet on
Rebecca there, huh?
Nah, get out.
No, come on. You've got that
kind of dopey look.
Hey, get over here.
You can tell us, come on.
Well...
okay.
Uh, last couple of months,
I have kind of noticed her.
In fact, if it weren't
for Mr. Drake,
I really might go after her.
- Come on, Woody.
- Hey, hey, that's
good, Woody, good.
What's so funny?
No disrespect,
Rhinestone Cowpie.
But I really don't think
her idea of a hot date
is a butter-churning
contest in Tobacci-flats.
Hey, you're
forgetting something.
Miss Howe said I was cute.
Yeah, but, Woody, I think
she thinks you're cute,
kind of like she thinks
a puppy dog is cute.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, is that a cut?
Oh, so you guys
really don't think
she'd go for me, huh?
I may just have to show you.
You couldn't get to first base.
First base, nothing.
I can hit a home run with her.
Oh, come on. Aah!
You can't hit a home run.
- Can so.
In fact, by midnight
tonight, I can get a kiss.
A kiss, huh?
That-that what you
meant by home run?
Yeah, sure.
What else could it be?
I thought you
meant go all the way.
You mean marry her?
Sam, where is your mind?
All right.
Wait a minute now.
I got ten bucks says
Woody can get that kiss.
Come on.
Will you stop it, Norm?
I mean, Woody's got
about as much chance
of getting a kiss out of
Rebecca as Sammy here.
Yeah.
Hey, whoa, wait, listen,
sure, Woody can't do it,
but you think I
can't come through?
You know, rumor has it, Sam,
that, uh, the woman
finds you utterly repulsive.
Rumor? Heck, it's
in the newsletter.
Hey, would you
guys give me a break?
You're talking to Sammy here.
I am the king.
Well, when was the last time
that Rebecca said you were cute?
Yeah. NORM: Yeah, yeah, Sam.
Might be time
to hang up those lips, buddy.
Hey, no, no, no.
Hey, listen, I still got it.
And if you need
proof, then fine.
I will get that kiss from
her, and before Woody, too.
Oh!
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, there's an expression
we used to have back in Indiana.
Yeah? Same to you.
All right, all right.
I got ten bucks on Woody, huh?
Me, too.
I'll put, uh, 20 bucks
down on the kid.
You're putting 20 on Woody?
Uh, you're right,
Sammy, make that 50.
Come on, you're
putting me on here.
No,
Sammy. I mean,
look at that face.
Okay? That sweet, innocent face.
The kind of face we
all hate and resent,
but we will cash in on it.
Okay, all right.
You know, I'm going to
teach you doubters a lesson.
I'm gonna take all bets.
Okay, let's set the
ground rules here.
All right, wait a second.
A kiss before midnight tonight.
It's got to be a
full one on the lips,
all four lips touching.
For an entire...
three count.
Wait, wait, wait, but, uh,
there's got to be a
bona fide witness.
No, I'll do it, I'll do it.
You know, I think
this is gonna be better
than our contest for
the biggest spit bubble.
Hey, well, it's possible.
Explain this to me.
If, uh, the winner is gonna
get a kiss from Rebecca,
what does the loser get?
Well, uh...
a kiss from Norm.
Then, of course,
there is no loser.
All right, Normie.
So, when are we
gonna see some action?
Oh, what are you worried about?
I got all day here.
I'll see you guys.
Oh, Sammy.
Anyway, I got this sewn up.
I don't know, Sammy.
I'm on your side,
but you know, a lot
of women come into this bar
wanting to meet
the sexy bartender,
and more and more of them
are not talking about you.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, you're not losing
faith in me here, are you?
I mean, you-you still think
I-I got it, don't you?
Sure I do,
but you know,
you can't take this
thing for granted.
Get a little older, you
got to work harder,
or date uglier.
Well, you know,
come to think of it,
Woody is kind of cute, isn't he?
Mm.
Oh, this is not good.
This is not good
for my image at all.
I mean, if I let Woody win here,
then every young punk
with a pair of lips is
gonna be challenging me.
All right, I got a
way to go here.
Watch this.
Hey, hey, these go to table six.
And you owe 'em some change.
Hey, boss.
What, are you doing inventory?
That's right.
Boy, you know, it
is getting warmer.
Maybe we ought to be
ordering some more rum and...
Sam?
Oh, my God, are you all right?
No. Not that.
Mouth-to-mouth.
Are you sure?
Mouth-to-mouth.
All right.
Oh, God, does anybody know
mouth-to-mouth?
I do, I do, I do.
It's okay, I'm all
right, I'm all right.
Works every time.
Low, Sammy, real low.
Not worthy of the king.
Entering Nick Tortelli country.
Hey...
King Woody.
It does have a ring to it.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right...
Yeah, say it Sam,
see what you think.
King Woody.
Your Grace.
Hey, hey.
Afternoon, Woody.
Oh, yeah, hi.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, sure. Great.
Oh, you wouldn't
want to know anyway.
Well, of course I would.
Really?
Very much.
You sure? Yes.
Honestly?
When was the last time
someone actually struck you?
Well, see, I'm, uh, trying
out for this part in a play.
It's a really important part,
and it's a really
well-known play. Uh,
Bus Station.
You mean Bus Stop?
I'll never get it.
This is great.
He's gonna be so worried
about his dumb play,
he's probably gonna
forget all about the bet.
At least his memory
loss isn't from senility.
Gee, I'm so glad
you're on my side, Carla.
See, the thing is, the
audition's tomorrow,
and I don't have
a chance to work
with any of the other
actors to prepare my part.
Actors have to
do that, you know.
Say, Miss Howe,
do you think maybe
you could read with me?
Oh, gee, Woody, I'm sorry.
I-I'm really busy
with this inventory.
Oh, yeah, sure, I understand.
I'll just lose the part.
All right, Woody.
But you have to
promise to make it quick.
Thanks, Miss Howe.
Hey, I hope you don't
mind, it's a love scene.
Did you hear that?
Love scene.
Ow!
Love scene!
Sometimes
the little hamster falls
asleep in the wheel.
Okay, if you
could just sit here.
All right, Woody,
but I'm expecting
a beer distributor
in five minutes.
No problem.
Sell it, make me believe it.
Carla?
Well, it really helps
when you have an audience.
Is there gonna be any nudity?
Not unless you're planning
something repugnant.
All right, so
what are we doing here?
Okay. The scene is between
a wayward, young,
rodeo buff, Bo...
That'd be me... and, uh,
the sexy showgirl,
Cherie.
That's you, I guess.
Okay, uh...
So where do we start?
Uh, right here before
it says, "They kiss."
Oh, oh, golly.
When you kiss
someone for serious,
it's kind of scary, ain't it?
Yeah, it is.
Now I'm supposed to kiss you.
Sorry, I, uh,
hope I'm not interrupting
anything here.
What is it, Sam?
Uh... we're out of vermouth.
So order more.
Uh, is that okay?
Yes, if we're out of it.
We are.
Then order more.
Vermouth?
Yeah! Sam, would
you excuse us, please?
Okay, where were we? Uh...
Wait.
Oh, oh, golly.
When you kiss
someone for serious,
it's kind of scary, ain't it?
Yeah, it is.
Sorry, I, uh...
I wouldn't interrupt like this
except it's important.
What is it, Sam?
I ordered the vermouth.
Sam,
would you get out of here?
We're right in the
middle of a scene.
Oh, a play!
Oh, I love good dramatic stuff.
What is this, uh,
Tennessee Ernie Ford?
Sam, get out.
Come on. All right,
all right, all right.
Play fair.
All right, all right.
Play fair?
That's my opinion
of the play so far,
but with enough rehearsal,
it might play great.
Okay, let's pick it up.
All right.
Oh. Oh, golly.
When you kiss someone for
serious, it's kind of scary, ain't it?
Yeah, it is.
Wait a minute.
I just ordered two cases
of vermouth yesterday!
Sam's crazy.
Better make that move, Sammy.
Time's getting short.
No, this is how I like it.
Late innings, game on the line.
Yeah.
The cool character
steps to center stage.
Well, I don't know, Sammy.
You seem to be sweating
a little bit up there.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, that's okay.
Nothing wrong with sweating.
I, myself, have perspired
once or twice.
We could grow rice.
Oh, watch this.
Say, Rebecca.
Oh, excuse me for a minute.
Caroline, are you all right?
You look kind of depressed.
Oh, Sam, it's the
same old thing.
What?
I'm so in love
with my boss, and I
just can't get him to notice me.
Well, have you tried
kissing him like this?
Oh, my God.
That was...
That was...
Oh, thank heaven
you showed it to me.
There's no way anyone
could possibly describe it.
If I kiss him like that,
he's bound to fall
in love with me.
Bye, Sam.
Bye-bye.
You two have a great honeymoon.
Thank you so much.
Anything to get
my disc player back.
Hey, hey, hey...
By the way, Rebecca,
how are things between
you and your boss?
Anything, uh, I can do?
These lips remind
you of anything?
Yeah, I think the liver
in my freezer's gone bad.
What happened?
She couldn't possibly
have seen through
your little morality play.
Huh!
Oh... hey!
What's going on here?
Whatever do you mean?
Sam and Woody are trying
desperately to kiss me.
Boy, someone's a little
full of herself, isn't she?
Come on, Carla.
What's the story here?
One woman to another.
Why would I tell you something
about my two closest best
friends in the whole world?
I'll give you a paid day off.
They got a bet.
They want to see
who could kiss you
by the end of the shift tonight.
Why would they do such
an asinine, juvenile, thing?
Look at the contestants.
Actually,
Woody's doing it 'cause
they were razzing him.
Sam's trying to
prove he still got it.
Other than that,
just cheap thrills.
Don't tell them I know.
Wait a minute.
You're not cooking up something
that's going to
humiliate my friends
and make them
look stupid, are you?
Well, yeah.
How can I help?
Oh, Miss Howe?
Can I ask you a question?
Sure, Woody. What
do you want to know?
Um... which key unlocks
the storage room?
I don't know.
Hold it still.
Look carefully, very carefully.
You're getting sleepy.
Very sleepy.
Woody?
Very, very, sleepy.
You'll do whatever I say.
Woody, go to sleep.
Oh, no. I made her disappear.
To recap,
sitting in the bar today,
we have, among others,
a man who was actually simple
enough to hypnotize himself.
I'd like to offer the suggestion
that we've seen it all.
Ten hut!
Happily, I stand corrected.
Well, it's time for me
to be all that I can be.
You enlisted in
the Army, you idiot?
Hey, we do more by 9:00 a.m.
than most people do all day.
And that's a
selling point to you?
Yeah, and I've had a
bellyful of that Ayatolah guy.
Quite frankly...
I don't like what's been
happening in the Persian Gulf.
So, I'm off to, uh...
I'm off to Persia.
I just wanted to shake a
few hands, say good-bye.
Kiss a few girls
for the last time.
Well, baby...
this is good-bye.
Yep, this may be
the last time you
ever see this dogface.
You can always take
a gander at this one.
Sam, I had no idea
you were this dedicated.
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing for our country.
Well, thank you.
Kiss me, Sam, kiss me.
No, I can't kiss
another soldier.
Not after Kevin.
Kevin? Who-who's Kevin?
Kevin was my
boyfriend in high school,
and we really loved each other,
and then he
enlisted in the Army,
and I never wrote, and
I never saw him again.
Well, he sounds like a creep.
Kiss me and make him jealous.
No, Sam, I'm sorry.
Come home safely, doughboy.
Damn!
I mean, what does it take?!
Well, maybe you're
being too subtle.
One hour.
I don't think either
of you heartthrobs
got the lips to win.
Serves you right
if you lose, Sam,
doing all that weird stuff.
Me? What about you?
You-you and that acting routine.
You know something, Woody,
I'm getting a little
sick and tired of you.
You and your
wholesome farm boy bit.
You're not so dumb.
I resent that.
You're just upset because
you're not king of the hill.
Well, that's too bad.
And I'll tell you another thing.
I'm thinking about not writing
you when you're overseas.
Oh, break my heart.
Sam?
Can I speak with you a moment?
You sure can.
♪ Over there ♪
♪ Over there ♪
♪ Send the word, send the word ♪
♪ Over there... ♪
Yeah?
Sam, I know what you
and Woody are up to.
I-I don't know what you're
talking about. I
want you to win.
What?
I want you to win. All right!
And they said
that I was losing it.
Okay, so, uh, let's get
on with the dirty deed here.
No, no, no, we have to make this
look really natural.
Otherwise they'll
think the kiss is a setup.
Kiss, oh, sweetheart, no, no.
Someone mislead you there.
Uh, we're supposed
to sleep together.
You're trying my patience.
All right, all right;
a kiss, a kiss, okay.
Uh... so, uh, how do
you want to do this?
All right, here's the plan.
You go home and change.
And I'll tell the
others I'm really beat
and I have to go in and
take a nap in my office.
And you come back and wake me,
and I'll act like I'm having
this really erotic dream,
and give you this
long, passionate kiss.
Oh, God, I love
this. I love this. Oh...!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Uh...
Carla's supposed
to witness this.
Okay, bring her along.
Oh, and then I'll spit
and rinse my mouth out
to make it look really legit.
Nice touch, nice touch.
Yeah, so long there.
Oh, wait a minute.
What do you got
on your lips there?
Oh, no one.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Listen, I know what
you and Sam are up to,
and I want you to win.
Hey, Cliffie.
Hi, Sam.
Where is everybody?
Oh, most have gone home.
Carla's in the back.
Rebecca's asleep in her office.
Rebecca's asleep?
Yeah. She said
she was up late last night
doing the books, or something.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, she said she wanted me
to wake her up right about now.
Better go do that. Oh, no, no,
that's, that's uh, my job.
Oh.
Want to help me here, Carla?
Mmm.
Mmm.
"Mmm"? "Mmm?
Mmm?!
Oh!
♪ Sammy and
Woody sittin' in a tree ♪
♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G... ♪
You were supposed
to be Miss Howe.
That's a rotten thing you did.
Don't talk to me about rotten.
What about all this
kissing nonsense?
Yeah, that's different.
There's money involved.
Well, I am going to say
this once and once only.
I am a person who
cannot be used.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got to drive Mr. Drake's
valet to the airport.
Call me a romantic,
but I always knew you
two would end up together.
I can't believe I kissed you.
Yeah, well, you're lucky
I didn't punch your
lights out, man.
Yeah? You and what army?
Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Come on, now.
Relax.
Geez, you guys,
you were tricked.
It's no big deal.
I mean, you're
such good friends.
You mean a lot to each other.
I mean, don't walk away mad.
Go on, kiss and make up.
Remember, you both
owe me a big wet one.
Ah...
Ah, I couldn't stay
mad at you, Sam.
You're just like
a brother to me.
Yeah, and if anyone ever does
knock off the king around here,
I guess I hope it's you, man.
No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.
Listen, Sam, now
that everything's okay,
can I ask you
something, guy to guy?
Yeah, sure.
How was I?
Don't-don't do that.
No, I mean it's a question
you can't ask a girl.
I mean, is there anything
I need to work on?
No, see, I-I don't want
to talk about this, Woody.
I was nervous, so I might
have been a little dry.
Oh, for God's...! Yech!
No, I'm serious, Sam.
Hey, do you want to
know how you were?
a live studio audience.
Oh, Fras.
You make it
home okay last night, buddy?
Yeah, thanks for
putting me in that cab.
I figured you had
a little too much
when you started making fun
of that longshoreman's mother.
Oh, Lord, I don't
remember a thing.
What-what did I say?
Something like, uh,
"Unions are for mommy's boys
who can't get their own jobs,"
I think.
Oh, why didn't he kill me?
Well, you-you said
you wanted to wait and
take him on when there
were more people here.
So, uh,
you said you'd meet
the guy back here today,
about, uh, right about
now, actually.
No, wait. Whoa, whoa.
The guy couldn't make it!
Whoop, there he is.
Oh, oh!
No, no, no, no, no.
That's just a car.
Okay, why are you taunting me
like some sort of play thing?
It's just my little
hangover cure.
Didn't help me a bit.
No, but mine's gone completely.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
How you doing, Woody?
Fine.
Is that a new shirt?
You mean the one I'm wearing?
Yes.
You look very nice today.
Very... cute.
Really?
You...
You mean it?
Me? I mean,
me... you think me look cute?
Well, I did.
Hey, fella.
You a little sweet on
Rebecca there, huh?
Nah, get out.
No, come on. You've got that
kind of dopey look.
Hey, get over here.
You can tell us, come on.
Well...
okay.
Uh, last couple of months,
I have kind of noticed her.
In fact, if it weren't
for Mr. Drake,
I really might go after her.
- Come on, Woody.
- Hey, hey, that's
good, Woody, good.
What's so funny?
No disrespect,
Rhinestone Cowpie.
But I really don't think
her idea of a hot date
is a butter-churning
contest in Tobacci-flats.
Hey, you're
forgetting something.
Miss Howe said I was cute.
Yeah, but, Woody, I think
she thinks you're cute,
kind of like she thinks
a puppy dog is cute.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, is that a cut?
Oh, so you guys
really don't think
she'd go for me, huh?
I may just have to show you.
You couldn't get to first base.
First base, nothing.
I can hit a home run with her.
Oh, come on. Aah!
You can't hit a home run.
- Can so.
In fact, by midnight
tonight, I can get a kiss.
A kiss, huh?
That-that what you
meant by home run?
Yeah, sure.
What else could it be?
I thought you
meant go all the way.
You mean marry her?
Sam, where is your mind?
All right.
Wait a minute now.
I got ten bucks says
Woody can get that kiss.
Come on.
Will you stop it, Norm?
I mean, Woody's got
about as much chance
of getting a kiss out of
Rebecca as Sammy here.
Yeah.
Hey, whoa, wait, listen,
sure, Woody can't do it,
but you think I
can't come through?
You know, rumor has it, Sam,
that, uh, the woman
finds you utterly repulsive.
Rumor? Heck, it's
in the newsletter.
Hey, would you
guys give me a break?
You're talking to Sammy here.
I am the king.
Well, when was the last time
that Rebecca said you were cute?
Yeah. NORM: Yeah, yeah, Sam.
Might be time
to hang up those lips, buddy.
Hey, no, no, no.
Hey, listen, I still got it.
And if you need
proof, then fine.
I will get that kiss from
her, and before Woody, too.
Oh!
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, there's an expression
we used to have back in Indiana.
Yeah? Same to you.
All right, all right.
I got ten bucks on Woody, huh?
Me, too.
I'll put, uh, 20 bucks
down on the kid.
You're putting 20 on Woody?
Uh, you're right,
Sammy, make that 50.
Come on, you're
putting me on here.
No,
Sammy. I mean,
look at that face.
Okay? That sweet, innocent face.
The kind of face we
all hate and resent,
but we will cash in on it.
Okay, all right.
You know, I'm going to
teach you doubters a lesson.
I'm gonna take all bets.
Okay, let's set the
ground rules here.
All right, wait a second.
A kiss before midnight tonight.
It's got to be a
full one on the lips,
all four lips touching.
For an entire...
three count.
Wait, wait, wait, but, uh,
there's got to be a
bona fide witness.
No, I'll do it, I'll do it.
You know, I think
this is gonna be better
than our contest for
the biggest spit bubble.
Hey, well, it's possible.
Explain this to me.
If, uh, the winner is gonna
get a kiss from Rebecca,
what does the loser get?
Well, uh...
a kiss from Norm.
Then, of course,
there is no loser.
All right, Normie.
So, when are we
gonna see some action?
Oh, what are you worried about?
I got all day here.
I'll see you guys.
Oh, Sammy.
Anyway, I got this sewn up.
I don't know, Sammy.
I'm on your side,
but you know, a lot
of women come into this bar
wanting to meet
the sexy bartender,
and more and more of them
are not talking about you.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, you're not losing
faith in me here, are you?
I mean, you-you still think
I-I got it, don't you?
Sure I do,
but you know,
you can't take this
thing for granted.
Get a little older, you
got to work harder,
or date uglier.
Well, you know,
come to think of it,
Woody is kind of cute, isn't he?
Mm.
Oh, this is not good.
This is not good
for my image at all.
I mean, if I let Woody win here,
then every young punk
with a pair of lips is
gonna be challenging me.
All right, I got a
way to go here.
Watch this.
Hey, hey, these go to table six.
And you owe 'em some change.
Hey, boss.
What, are you doing inventory?
That's right.
Boy, you know, it
is getting warmer.
Maybe we ought to be
ordering some more rum and...
Sam?
Oh, my God, are you all right?
No. Not that.
Mouth-to-mouth.
Are you sure?
Mouth-to-mouth.
All right.
Oh, God, does anybody know
mouth-to-mouth?
I do, I do, I do.
It's okay, I'm all
right, I'm all right.
Works every time.
Low, Sammy, real low.
Not worthy of the king.
Entering Nick Tortelli country.
Hey...
King Woody.
It does have a ring to it.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right...
Yeah, say it Sam,
see what you think.
King Woody.
Your Grace.
Hey, hey.
Afternoon, Woody.
Oh, yeah, hi.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, sure. Great.
Oh, you wouldn't
want to know anyway.
Well, of course I would.
Really?
Very much.
You sure? Yes.
Honestly?
When was the last time
someone actually struck you?
Well, see, I'm, uh, trying
out for this part in a play.
It's a really important part,
and it's a really
well-known play. Uh,
Bus Station.
You mean Bus Stop?
I'll never get it.
This is great.
He's gonna be so worried
about his dumb play,
he's probably gonna
forget all about the bet.
At least his memory
loss isn't from senility.
Gee, I'm so glad
you're on my side, Carla.
See, the thing is, the
audition's tomorrow,
and I don't have
a chance to work
with any of the other
actors to prepare my part.
Actors have to
do that, you know.
Say, Miss Howe,
do you think maybe
you could read with me?
Oh, gee, Woody, I'm sorry.
I-I'm really busy
with this inventory.
Oh, yeah, sure, I understand.
I'll just lose the part.
All right, Woody.
But you have to
promise to make it quick.
Thanks, Miss Howe.
Hey, I hope you don't
mind, it's a love scene.
Did you hear that?
Love scene.
Ow!
Love scene!
Sometimes
the little hamster falls
asleep in the wheel.
Okay, if you
could just sit here.
All right, Woody,
but I'm expecting
a beer distributor
in five minutes.
No problem.
Sell it, make me believe it.
Carla?
Well, it really helps
when you have an audience.
Is there gonna be any nudity?
Not unless you're planning
something repugnant.
All right, so
what are we doing here?
Okay. The scene is between
a wayward, young,
rodeo buff, Bo...
That'd be me... and, uh,
the sexy showgirl,
Cherie.
That's you, I guess.
Okay, uh...
So where do we start?
Uh, right here before
it says, "They kiss."
Oh, oh, golly.
When you kiss
someone for serious,
it's kind of scary, ain't it?
Yeah, it is.
Now I'm supposed to kiss you.
Sorry, I, uh,
hope I'm not interrupting
anything here.
What is it, Sam?
Uh... we're out of vermouth.
So order more.
Uh, is that okay?
Yes, if we're out of it.
We are.
Then order more.
Vermouth?
Yeah! Sam, would
you excuse us, please?
Okay, where were we? Uh...
Wait.
Oh, oh, golly.
When you kiss
someone for serious,
it's kind of scary, ain't it?
Yeah, it is.
Sorry, I, uh...
I wouldn't interrupt like this
except it's important.
What is it, Sam?
I ordered the vermouth.
Sam,
would you get out of here?
We're right in the
middle of a scene.
Oh, a play!
Oh, I love good dramatic stuff.
What is this, uh,
Tennessee Ernie Ford?
Sam, get out.
Come on. All right,
all right, all right.
Play fair.
All right, all right.
Play fair?
That's my opinion
of the play so far,
but with enough rehearsal,
it might play great.
Okay, let's pick it up.
All right.
Oh. Oh, golly.
When you kiss someone for
serious, it's kind of scary, ain't it?
Yeah, it is.
Wait a minute.
I just ordered two cases
of vermouth yesterday!
Sam's crazy.
Better make that move, Sammy.
Time's getting short.
No, this is how I like it.
Late innings, game on the line.
Yeah.
The cool character
steps to center stage.
Well, I don't know, Sammy.
You seem to be sweating
a little bit up there.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, that's okay.
Nothing wrong with sweating.
I, myself, have perspired
once or twice.
We could grow rice.
Oh, watch this.
Say, Rebecca.
Oh, excuse me for a minute.
Caroline, are you all right?
You look kind of depressed.
Oh, Sam, it's the
same old thing.
What?
I'm so in love
with my boss, and I
just can't get him to notice me.
Well, have you tried
kissing him like this?
Oh, my God.
That was...
That was...
Oh, thank heaven
you showed it to me.
There's no way anyone
could possibly describe it.
If I kiss him like that,
he's bound to fall
in love with me.
Bye, Sam.
Bye-bye.
You two have a great honeymoon.
Thank you so much.
Anything to get
my disc player back.
Hey, hey, hey...
By the way, Rebecca,
how are things between
you and your boss?
Anything, uh, I can do?
These lips remind
you of anything?
Yeah, I think the liver
in my freezer's gone bad.
What happened?
She couldn't possibly
have seen through
your little morality play.
Huh!
Oh... hey!
What's going on here?
Whatever do you mean?
Sam and Woody are trying
desperately to kiss me.
Boy, someone's a little
full of herself, isn't she?
Come on, Carla.
What's the story here?
One woman to another.
Why would I tell you something
about my two closest best
friends in the whole world?
I'll give you a paid day off.
They got a bet.
They want to see
who could kiss you
by the end of the shift tonight.
Why would they do such
an asinine, juvenile, thing?
Look at the contestants.
Actually,
Woody's doing it 'cause
they were razzing him.
Sam's trying to
prove he still got it.
Other than that,
just cheap thrills.
Don't tell them I know.
Wait a minute.
You're not cooking up something
that's going to
humiliate my friends
and make them
look stupid, are you?
Well, yeah.
How can I help?
Oh, Miss Howe?
Can I ask you a question?
Sure, Woody. What
do you want to know?
Um... which key unlocks
the storage room?
I don't know.
Hold it still.
Look carefully, very carefully.
You're getting sleepy.
Very sleepy.
Woody?
Very, very, sleepy.
You'll do whatever I say.
Woody, go to sleep.
Oh, no. I made her disappear.
To recap,
sitting in the bar today,
we have, among others,
a man who was actually simple
enough to hypnotize himself.
I'd like to offer the suggestion
that we've seen it all.
Ten hut!
Happily, I stand corrected.
Well, it's time for me
to be all that I can be.
You enlisted in
the Army, you idiot?
Hey, we do more by 9:00 a.m.
than most people do all day.
And that's a
selling point to you?
Yeah, and I've had a
bellyful of that Ayatolah guy.
Quite frankly...
I don't like what's been
happening in the Persian Gulf.
So, I'm off to, uh...
I'm off to Persia.
I just wanted to shake a
few hands, say good-bye.
Kiss a few girls
for the last time.
Well, baby...
this is good-bye.
Yep, this may be
the last time you
ever see this dogface.
You can always take
a gander at this one.
Sam, I had no idea
you were this dedicated.
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing for our country.
Well, thank you.
Kiss me, Sam, kiss me.
No, I can't kiss
another soldier.
Not after Kevin.
Kevin? Who-who's Kevin?
Kevin was my
boyfriend in high school,
and we really loved each other,
and then he
enlisted in the Army,
and I never wrote, and
I never saw him again.
Well, he sounds like a creep.
Kiss me and make him jealous.
No, Sam, I'm sorry.
Come home safely, doughboy.
Damn!
I mean, what does it take?!
Well, maybe you're
being too subtle.
One hour.
I don't think either
of you heartthrobs
got the lips to win.
Serves you right
if you lose, Sam,
doing all that weird stuff.
Me? What about you?
You-you and that acting routine.
You know something, Woody,
I'm getting a little
sick and tired of you.
You and your
wholesome farm boy bit.
You're not so dumb.
I resent that.
You're just upset because
you're not king of the hill.
Well, that's too bad.
And I'll tell you another thing.
I'm thinking about not writing
you when you're overseas.
Oh, break my heart.
Sam?
Can I speak with you a moment?
You sure can.
♪ Over there ♪
♪ Over there ♪
♪ Send the word, send the word ♪
♪ Over there... ♪
Yeah?
Sam, I know what you
and Woody are up to.
I-I don't know what you're
talking about. I
want you to win.
What?
I want you to win. All right!
And they said
that I was losing it.
Okay, so, uh, let's get
on with the dirty deed here.
No, no, no, we have to make this
look really natural.
Otherwise they'll
think the kiss is a setup.
Kiss, oh, sweetheart, no, no.
Someone mislead you there.
Uh, we're supposed
to sleep together.
You're trying my patience.
All right, all right;
a kiss, a kiss, okay.
Uh... so, uh, how do
you want to do this?
All right, here's the plan.
You go home and change.
And I'll tell the
others I'm really beat
and I have to go in and
take a nap in my office.
And you come back and wake me,
and I'll act like I'm having
this really erotic dream,
and give you this
long, passionate kiss.
Oh, God, I love
this. I love this. Oh...!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Uh...
Carla's supposed
to witness this.
Okay, bring her along.
Oh, and then I'll spit
and rinse my mouth out
to make it look really legit.
Nice touch, nice touch.
Yeah, so long there.
Oh, wait a minute.
What do you got
on your lips there?
Oh, no one.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Listen, I know what
you and Sam are up to,
and I want you to win.
Hey, Cliffie.
Hi, Sam.
Where is everybody?
Oh, most have gone home.
Carla's in the back.
Rebecca's asleep in her office.
Rebecca's asleep?
Yeah. She said
she was up late last night
doing the books, or something.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, she said she wanted me
to wake her up right about now.
Better go do that. Oh, no, no,
that's, that's uh, my job.
Oh.
Want to help me here, Carla?
Mmm.
Mmm.
"Mmm"? "Mmm?
Mmm?!
Oh!
♪ Sammy and
Woody sittin' in a tree ♪
♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G... ♪
You were supposed
to be Miss Howe.
That's a rotten thing you did.
Don't talk to me about rotten.
What about all this
kissing nonsense?
Yeah, that's different.
There's money involved.
Well, I am going to say
this once and once only.
I am a person who
cannot be used.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got to drive Mr. Drake's
valet to the airport.
Call me a romantic,
but I always knew you
two would end up together.
I can't believe I kissed you.
Yeah, well, you're lucky
I didn't punch your
lights out, man.
Yeah? You and what army?
Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Come on, now.
Relax.
Geez, you guys,
you were tricked.
It's no big deal.
I mean, you're
such good friends.
You mean a lot to each other.
I mean, don't walk away mad.
Go on, kiss and make up.
Remember, you both
owe me a big wet one.
Ah...
Ah, I couldn't stay
mad at you, Sam.
You're just like
a brother to me.
Yeah, and if anyone ever does
knock off the king around here,
I guess I hope it's you, man.
No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.
Listen, Sam, now
that everything's okay,
can I ask you
something, guy to guy?
Yeah, sure.
How was I?
Don't-don't do that.
No, I mean it's a question
you can't ask a girl.
I mean, is there anything
I need to work on?
No, see, I-I don't want
to talk about this, Woody.
I was nervous, so I might
have been a little dry.
Oh, for God's...! Yech!
No, I'm serious, Sam.
Hey, do you want to
know how you were?