Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 23 - Bar Wars - full transcript
The gang is celebrating its second anniversary of beating Gary's Olde Towne Tavern in bowling, their one and only victory in the bar wars. But they are also on a winning streak. The act of Gary stealing and breaking the bowling trophy reignites their war, of which Rebecca is unfamiliar. She refuses to participate, until the war starts to affect her. The pranks are generally mild but juvenile, but Rebecca agrees to Gary's offer of a truce. The cease fire quickly ends when Gary pulls another prank. Beyond the pranks, the gang at Cheers become paranoid about every stranger that comes into the bar, including someone who claims to be Red Sox power hitter Wade Boggs, who says he was sent by Gary to sign autographs. He looks like Wade Boggs, sounds like Wade Boggs, but does that make him Wade Boggs? The resulting end of this war is in the words of the wise "pretty weeny".
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Carla, you look spiffy.
You going out tonight? Yeah,
Eddie and I are catching a movie.
This is his last night in town.
He's going out on the road
again with the ice show.
Uh-oh.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing.
Well, you know, I get
this image of, you know,
chorus girls in skimpy costumes,
you know, skating around,
lonely husband on
the road, far away
from his, uh,
connubial connubials,
if you know what I mean.
Well,
y-you're not worried?
Not at all.
I know my Eddie,
and I trust him completely.
He is the sweetest, most
faithful, loving husband in
the whole world, and I
thank God every
day he married me.
If ever there was
a one-woman man,
it's Eddie LeBec.
Hey, Carla, what
movie you going to see?
Fatal Attraction.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Good evening, everyone.
You'll be glad to know I
decided to take your advice
and become more dynamic.
I have just left a seminar
that has changed my life.
In a few short hours,
I have become the essence
of self assertiveness.
Five.
Four,
three, two, one!
What's going on here?
What's going on?
Hey, I run this place.
What's happening?
Yeah!
If somebody doesn't tell me
what's going on, I
am gonna start crying.
Aw,
we're sorry. Uh, we
didn't know you were here.
Today is our anniversary.
This is the day, two years ago
where Cheers beat
that scourge down the road,
Gary's Old Town
Tavern, in bowling!
That's-That's the big deal?
It's the only time we
ever won anything.
I take it that they've
beaten us at things.
At everything.
Touch football, softball, darts,
ugliest toes, you name it...
I think the current
tally is 173 to one,
but we are presently
on a winning streak.
Yeah!
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
Yeah. We're number one...!
Sammy! Sammy!
Isn't it about
time for the call?
Oh-ho!
By golly, yes, it is.
Time to give him a call?
Hear ye, hear ye.
It's time for the
ceremonial call
to Gary's! The call!
The call!
The call...!
All right.
Yeah!
Hello, Gary.
It's Sam Malone.
Yeah, I was just calling to
say hi, see how you're doing.
No. You know,
for the life of me,
I-I can't think of what
brought you to mind.
No, wait a minute, may...
Maybe it was because
two years ago tonight,
we waxed your heinie in bowling!
Yeah!
No, no. Oh...
The poor sap is
begging for a rematch.
No. No, no.
I'm sorry, Gary, no.
No, there'll be no rematch.
The moment of
victory is frozen in time.
That's right. Gar...
Hello? Gary?
The guy is such a poor loser.
Drinks on the house!
Carla, Carla,
once more around
the bar, huh? Huh?
All right.
We're number one!
We're number one...!
Hold it. Hold it!
Where is the trophy?
Who moved it? What?
Oh, come on.
It's got to be around
here somewhere.
Hey, now listen,
this is not funny.
Where is the trophy?
Wa-hay-hay
hait a minute.
This smacks of Gary.
Hey, you mean he
had a spy in here?
Yeah, hey, that's right.
Who was that guy
at the end of the bar
drinking imported beer?
Mm-hmm. Very suspicious.
You know none of
us can afford that stuff.
Let's storm the place!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, let's not turn
this into mob rule here.
Just a couple of guys go over
and talk to him first. Come on.
All right, Sam, I think
you better take me
because, uh, they
got to be intimidated
by the authority of my uniform.
Uh...
Actually, I think
I'll take Woody.
You know, in case
there's some trouble,
I'd like to have someone
young and strong around.
Come on, Woody.
Good luck.
Oh!
Our trophy!
Oh,
Sam!
What did you do to Gary?
Did you punch him
right in the face?
Uh, n-not exactly, no.
He did ask out a waitress.
Hey.
Sam.
Hey.
What are you all
sitting around here
like a bunch of wimps for?
It's what wimps do.
Let's go over to Gary's and
torch the place! Come on!
Oh, no, no, come on, whoa, whoa.
There's got to be a cooler
way of doing this now.
We got to use a little cunning.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to do
something to Gary
and make him really miserable.
Why don't you marry him?
Why don't you?
Why don't you? Why don't you?
You! You!
You! You!
That's it!
I do not want this thing
getting out of hand.
If this bar becomes a
high school locker room,
my patronage, other
than the Bowery Boys,
will disappear.
No, in this case,
I'm afraid I must
agree with Rebecca.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Well, it's-it's not
for your dollar-grubbing,
you know, front office,
kissy face reasons, but...
it's because
revenge is never the answer.
You see,
a potentially unending cycle of
juvenile retaliation
can only lead to a...
well, a kind of mob mentality,
which will ultimately result
in a regrettable act.
Wait a minute, Doc.
When Diane left
you at the altar,
aren't you the guy
who enrolled her
in every tape, book,
and record club
known to mankind?
Yes, but that was different.
The pompous witch deserved it.
No,
no, no, no, come on.
We got to think of something
to get our pride back.
Like what Sammy, huh? Well...
There is one thing
you can beat Gary's
Old Town Tavern at.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Maturity.
It's Al.
Hey, Al, why aren't
you at Cheers?
Holy mackerel,
this isn't Cheers?
Uh-oh, Malone's back.
And this time,
he brought some muscle.
Ooh!
Sammy, I-I can't
go through with this,
not when this guy's
taking shots at me.
No, no, that was a shot at me.
You're right.
Yeah. Okay.
Gary? Mm-hmm.
We're here in peace.
Now we want to let
bygones be bygones,
so we brought along
some champagne
to bury the hatchet.
What do you say, huh?
Is that right?
No tricks?
No tricks.
Wow, that's damn
decent of you, Malone.
Milt, some glasses.
I'll be honest with you.
I mean, last night at Cheers,
all we could talk
about was revenge.
That trophy meant
a great deal to us.
But then, you
know, cooler heads,
light of day and all
that kind of thing,
we just... well, we realized
that to do battle with you
would just destroy both of us.
At least we have the
satisfaction of knowing
that we, uh, we
beat you in one thing.
Maturity.
Oh, actually, I'm afraid you
came up short there, too.
I just sent a dozen
roses over to Cheers
with an apology note.
Oh. Oh, well.
Here's to Cheers.
No, no, no.
To Gary's.
Yeah, to Gary's! Yeah!
Whoo! Gary, Gary, I think maybe
you ought to keep that
back window locked.
You know, people could sneak
in here and steal some of this
fine crystal.
Come, my little
vandal, our job here is done.
You know what gets
me about this, Malone?
It's how weenie this stunt was.
This is the best you
could come up with?
I am embarrassed, all right.
Not for me, but for you.
That's pretty small.
Oh, yeah?
I told you we should
have fixed his brakes.
No, no...
You think I'm humiliated?
I'm not humiliated.
Pretty weenie.
Now I'm humiliated.
Then, after lunch,
I had a patient.
Three separate personalities,
each one more
boring than the other.
As a matter of fact,
he's the only one
who can tell them apart.
Now, Lilith, darling, let's
remember our caveat.
No more shop talk.
It's the weekend.
It's time to engage
in nice, normal conversation.
I'll, uh, get us some
drinks. Woody?
Why do you have this obsession
with labeling everything?
Normal, abnormal,
weekday, weekend.
Well, darling, I was only
trying to create a certain...
In other words, control
the conversation.
That's rather
compulsive, isn't it?
Well, how anal of you to notice.
Oh, the whole
world's anal to you.
Well, what say we, uh,
sleep in late tomorrow
and have eggs Benedict?
I love you.
Pest control.
Where should we start?
Excuse me. What's this about?
Your rat problem.
Rat problem?
Aren't you the one that
called about a rat problem?
No, of course not.
No. We don't have rats.
Well, that's what we
understand, ma'am.
Rats in the building...
Big gray ones.
That's why we're here.
Excuse... Everybody hold on.
There are no rats here.
Oh, of course,
Rebecca, we believe you.
If you should run across
any white ones, about yea big,
I'd be happy to give you
four dollars apiece for them.
What do you use them for?
Snacks.
Everyone just
stay where you are.
There are no rats.
Free round of
drinks on the house.
I wouldn't do that, ma'am.
Those little buggers
might already
have gotten into your beer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll chance it.
Sam, did you call anyone
about a rat problem?
No, no. We have a rat problem?
Ew, God.
I didn't call, you didn't call.
Who called?
Gary. Gary. Gary.
How did he know
we have rats?
Uh, look, if you need us, uh...
here's our card.
Come again.
"Now that's a stunt.
Love, Gary."
He's mine.
Mess with us, huh?
Wait till he finds
the prune juice in his Kahlua.
Yeah, what about
the sneezing powder
in the ventilation system, huh?
That was the coup de ville, huh?
Yeah, Gary's messed
around with the wrong guys.
I wish I was there to
see the stupid looks
on their faces, you know?
Hey, hey, who's the chrome dome?
I don't know.
I've never seen him before.
Uh-huh.
Afternoon.
I'll have a draft.
Excuse me there,
uh, pal of mine.
Yeah?
Eh, what exactly
are you, uh, doing in here?
Getting a drink.
Aha.
So, uh, you're not
from the neighborhood, are you?
No, no, I'm from Framingham.
Uh, my wife's at Mass General.
She just had a double bypass,
and I thought I'd unwind
a little with a drink.
That okay?
Sure.
Let's shave his head
and put him on a bus!
Excuse me.
On second thought,
I think I'll check to see
if they have a juice
machine in the ICU.
Yeah.
You do that, pal.
Hey, you tell Dr. Gary the
gang at Cheers says hello.
Huh? Right, huh?
Okay. I don't know.
What, does he think
we're idiots or something?
Did anybody remember
to grease the bar
stools over at Gary's?
Oh yeah. Yeah, I did.
Woody, get this man
his favorite.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you, thank you.
You're too kind.
May I please see the manager?
I'm the manager.
Can I help you?
Oh, so you're the manager.
Finally something in this
place worth looking at.
I'm, uh, Gary
from the Old Town Tavern.
Well, well, well.
I never expected to see
you step foot in this bar.
Now I can call the exterminator.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
Although I can't
say I blame you.
Things did...
kind of get out of hand,
but hey, we're both
professionals here.
Why don't we just
call this whole thing off
before we lose any
more customers?
Look, uh, I have to admit,
that when I first heard
that you personally
authorized some of these pranks,
I was a little
ticked off myself.
But now that I've met you,
why don't we call that
water under the bridge,
and have a new era of
peaceful coexistence?
Hmm?
All right. Truce.
Whoa, I feel like
a giant weight has been lifted
from my shoulders.
Do you mind if I
call you sometime
and maybe we go
out for a cup of coffee?
Sure, why not?
I like coffee.
Uh, see ya.
How could
you do that?
How could I do what?
After all that's
happened around here,
you can go on a
date with that rat?
Would you please
not say that word?
I happen to think Gary
made a lot of sense.
Besides, he's kind of cute.
Cute?! You think Gary's cute?
Yeah, he's got a real
cool face and a nice body.
He looks kind
of like an athlete.
Hey, what am I?
Jealous.
Excuse me.
There are sheep in my office!
Whoa, sheep. Ho-ho!
You got to admire that, huh?
I thought it smelled like home.
I'm gonna get him.
I'm going to rip his head off.
Aw, but he's so cute.
And then I'm
going to tie him up,
and I'm going to take a lighter,
and I'm going to torch
him from the tip of his toes
to the top of his head.
How come you never
do stuff like that to me?
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
It's all taken care of here.
You all set?
Yep.
Tool box, check.
Coaxial cable, check.
VCR, check.
Tape.
Check.
Good luck, babe.
Carla?
Carla?
Carla?
You're not going to do
anything illegal, are you?
What makes you say that?
Ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Gary's Old Town Tavern is
once again proud to present
the finest in world-class boxing
on the largest screen
TV available in any bar
in the greater
Metropolitan Boston area!
Grab a drink,
sit back, relax,
and let the bloodletting begin!
All right.
The months of waiting are over.
We've heard all the hype,
we know how many
millions are on the line.
This is the big one.
Here we go!
Good evening, I'm Norm Peterson.
And I'm Clifford C. Clavin.
Welcome to an evening of poetry.
We're so glad that
you've chosen to ignore
the fisticuffs they're watching
over at Cheers right now,
uh, three blocks
down and on your right,
drinks half price if you
mention, "Gary sent me."
Tapped into the cable.
Instead, relax with us and enjoy
as we read and interpret
the many works of
Dante Gabriel Rosetti,
the famous 19th century
poet and fancy guy.
Clifford?
Norman...
I'd like to start with "The
Ballad of the Dead Ladies."
Ah.
An excellent choice.
It's written in
iambic pentathlon
with, uh, rhyming couplets,
every couple of couplets.
"Tell me now, in what hidden way
"is Lady Flora the
lovely Roman?"
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, uh, Gary.
What's up, buddy?
I want to know, did you enjoy
the, uh, fight the other night?
Yeah.
Who'd you bet on...
Shelley or Keats?
You guys are great.
I tell you, I didn't
know you had it ya.
You know what?
This is going to go down
in the annals of gags
as one of the greatest.
Here, give me your hands, guys.
I got something
better for you, though,
than a trophy now.
Come on, Gare. No, no, no.
On the level.
No crossed fingers,
standing on both feet.
I am a personal
friend of Wade Boggs.
The Wade Boggs, who was
gonna come over to my place,
sign some autographs,
but I rerouted him over here.
He should be here any minute.
You take good care of him, okay?
You guys are the greatest.
I didn't know you had it in you.
Take care.
Did you guys hear that?
Wade Boggs is coming here.
All right. All right.
Who's Wade Boggs?
"Who's Wade Boggs?"!
He's only the
greatest third baseman
in Red Sox history.
Guy's a pure hitter.
He's only popped up
six times in five years.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm standing in a
room full of idiots.
That's true. What's your point?
Gary's not gonna send
the real Wade Boggs
over to see us.
He's gonna get some
guy in a Wade Boggs suit,
claiming to be Wade Boggs.
We're all gonna
slobber all over him,
buy him drinks, beg
him for autographs
and Gary'll come in and
bust a gut laughing at us.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Yeah, uh, Gary sent me over
to sign some autographs.
Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.
Hi.
Wade Boggs, huh?
Yeah, how you
doing? I'm Babe Ruth.
Yeah, I'm his, uh,
good friend Dizzy Dean.
And I'm Woody Boyd.
Are you sure that
isn't Wade Boggs?
I mean, it really
looks like him.
Oh, Carla, come on.
That's not Wade Boggs.
Wade Boggs is a big,
strapping lad like myself.
Uh, Mr., uh, Wade Boggs,
what, uh...
what are we batting these days?
Something like .360, huh?
Oh.
Well, welcome to Cheers, Mr...
Wade Boggs.
I thought you folks
were, uh, Red Sox fans.
Oh, yeah, we're,
we're Red Sox fans.
Sure, Mr. Wade Boggs.
As a matter of fact, uh,
we'd, uh, like to give
you a nice welcome
that we give all
great sports stars
that happen by to Cheers here.
Maybe I ought
to get out of here.
Hurry, guys! Let's get him!
Whoo-hoo!
Man, that guy was a lot
quicker than he looked.
Yeah. Let's, uh,
check out this guy's wallet.
Find out who this
joker really was.
Yeah, this, uh,
this guy's name
was... Wade Boggs.
Wait. Wow, what a coincidence.
Well, I guess Gary
went to a lot of trouble
to make up fake
I.D.'s for this guy and...
credit cards and...
photo of him with Jim
Rice and Dwight Evans.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, guys.
I had a rough night.
I was out showing
Gary's steady chick
the time of her life.
Whoo.
Did I miss anything?
No, no, just an average day.
We refilled the pretzel bowls,
played a little darts,
pantsed Wade Boggs,
watched a little TV.
Wait, you did what?
Oh, man, we thought it was
another one of Gary's tricks.
So that's who was
running out there
in his underwear in traffic.
You know, you see...
Gary has pulled
off the greatest,
most ingenious
trick of them all.
He's gotten us to get ourselves.
Frasier's right.
We can't top this.
Gary's beaten us.
You know, it's really
rather Machiavellian.
Hey.
Come on, guys.
So we've been
humiliated in every sport.
We've still got something
that Gary can't take away.
Our pride?
Hell, no. We never had that.
We have got
the great Wade Boggs' pants!
Well, it's either
this or nothing.
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
Hey! We're number one!
Pretty weenie.
a live studio audience.
Carla, you look spiffy.
You going out tonight? Yeah,
Eddie and I are catching a movie.
This is his last night in town.
He's going out on the road
again with the ice show.
Uh-oh.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing.
Well, you know, I get
this image of, you know,
chorus girls in skimpy costumes,
you know, skating around,
lonely husband on
the road, far away
from his, uh,
connubial connubials,
if you know what I mean.
Well,
y-you're not worried?
Not at all.
I know my Eddie,
and I trust him completely.
He is the sweetest, most
faithful, loving husband in
the whole world, and I
thank God every
day he married me.
If ever there was
a one-woman man,
it's Eddie LeBec.
Hey, Carla, what
movie you going to see?
Fatal Attraction.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Good evening, everyone.
You'll be glad to know I
decided to take your advice
and become more dynamic.
I have just left a seminar
that has changed my life.
In a few short hours,
I have become the essence
of self assertiveness.
Five.
Four,
three, two, one!
What's going on here?
What's going on?
Hey, I run this place.
What's happening?
Yeah!
If somebody doesn't tell me
what's going on, I
am gonna start crying.
Aw,
we're sorry. Uh, we
didn't know you were here.
Today is our anniversary.
This is the day, two years ago
where Cheers beat
that scourge down the road,
Gary's Old Town
Tavern, in bowling!
That's-That's the big deal?
It's the only time we
ever won anything.
I take it that they've
beaten us at things.
At everything.
Touch football, softball, darts,
ugliest toes, you name it...
I think the current
tally is 173 to one,
but we are presently
on a winning streak.
Yeah!
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
Yeah. We're number one...!
Sammy! Sammy!
Isn't it about
time for the call?
Oh-ho!
By golly, yes, it is.
Time to give him a call?
Hear ye, hear ye.
It's time for the
ceremonial call
to Gary's! The call!
The call!
The call...!
All right.
Yeah!
Hello, Gary.
It's Sam Malone.
Yeah, I was just calling to
say hi, see how you're doing.
No. You know,
for the life of me,
I-I can't think of what
brought you to mind.
No, wait a minute, may...
Maybe it was because
two years ago tonight,
we waxed your heinie in bowling!
Yeah!
No, no. Oh...
The poor sap is
begging for a rematch.
No. No, no.
I'm sorry, Gary, no.
No, there'll be no rematch.
The moment of
victory is frozen in time.
That's right. Gar...
Hello? Gary?
The guy is such a poor loser.
Drinks on the house!
Carla, Carla,
once more around
the bar, huh? Huh?
All right.
We're number one!
We're number one...!
Hold it. Hold it!
Where is the trophy?
Who moved it? What?
Oh, come on.
It's got to be around
here somewhere.
Hey, now listen,
this is not funny.
Where is the trophy?
Wa-hay-hay
hait a minute.
This smacks of Gary.
Hey, you mean he
had a spy in here?
Yeah, hey, that's right.
Who was that guy
at the end of the bar
drinking imported beer?
Mm-hmm. Very suspicious.
You know none of
us can afford that stuff.
Let's storm the place!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, let's not turn
this into mob rule here.
Just a couple of guys go over
and talk to him first. Come on.
All right, Sam, I think
you better take me
because, uh, they
got to be intimidated
by the authority of my uniform.
Uh...
Actually, I think
I'll take Woody.
You know, in case
there's some trouble,
I'd like to have someone
young and strong around.
Come on, Woody.
Good luck.
Oh!
Our trophy!
Oh,
Sam!
What did you do to Gary?
Did you punch him
right in the face?
Uh, n-not exactly, no.
He did ask out a waitress.
Hey.
Sam.
Hey.
What are you all
sitting around here
like a bunch of wimps for?
It's what wimps do.
Let's go over to Gary's and
torch the place! Come on!
Oh, no, no, come on, whoa, whoa.
There's got to be a cooler
way of doing this now.
We got to use a little cunning.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to do
something to Gary
and make him really miserable.
Why don't you marry him?
Why don't you?
Why don't you? Why don't you?
You! You!
You! You!
That's it!
I do not want this thing
getting out of hand.
If this bar becomes a
high school locker room,
my patronage, other
than the Bowery Boys,
will disappear.
No, in this case,
I'm afraid I must
agree with Rebecca.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Well, it's-it's not
for your dollar-grubbing,
you know, front office,
kissy face reasons, but...
it's because
revenge is never the answer.
You see,
a potentially unending cycle of
juvenile retaliation
can only lead to a...
well, a kind of mob mentality,
which will ultimately result
in a regrettable act.
Wait a minute, Doc.
When Diane left
you at the altar,
aren't you the guy
who enrolled her
in every tape, book,
and record club
known to mankind?
Yes, but that was different.
The pompous witch deserved it.
No,
no, no, no, come on.
We got to think of something
to get our pride back.
Like what Sammy, huh? Well...
There is one thing
you can beat Gary's
Old Town Tavern at.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Maturity.
It's Al.
Hey, Al, why aren't
you at Cheers?
Holy mackerel,
this isn't Cheers?
Uh-oh, Malone's back.
And this time,
he brought some muscle.
Ooh!
Sammy, I-I can't
go through with this,
not when this guy's
taking shots at me.
No, no, that was a shot at me.
You're right.
Yeah. Okay.
Gary? Mm-hmm.
We're here in peace.
Now we want to let
bygones be bygones,
so we brought along
some champagne
to bury the hatchet.
What do you say, huh?
Is that right?
No tricks?
No tricks.
Wow, that's damn
decent of you, Malone.
Milt, some glasses.
I'll be honest with you.
I mean, last night at Cheers,
all we could talk
about was revenge.
That trophy meant
a great deal to us.
But then, you
know, cooler heads,
light of day and all
that kind of thing,
we just... well, we realized
that to do battle with you
would just destroy both of us.
At least we have the
satisfaction of knowing
that we, uh, we
beat you in one thing.
Maturity.
Oh, actually, I'm afraid you
came up short there, too.
I just sent a dozen
roses over to Cheers
with an apology note.
Oh. Oh, well.
Here's to Cheers.
No, no, no.
To Gary's.
Yeah, to Gary's! Yeah!
Whoo! Gary, Gary, I think maybe
you ought to keep that
back window locked.
You know, people could sneak
in here and steal some of this
fine crystal.
Come, my little
vandal, our job here is done.
You know what gets
me about this, Malone?
It's how weenie this stunt was.
This is the best you
could come up with?
I am embarrassed, all right.
Not for me, but for you.
That's pretty small.
Oh, yeah?
I told you we should
have fixed his brakes.
No, no...
You think I'm humiliated?
I'm not humiliated.
Pretty weenie.
Now I'm humiliated.
Then, after lunch,
I had a patient.
Three separate personalities,
each one more
boring than the other.
As a matter of fact,
he's the only one
who can tell them apart.
Now, Lilith, darling, let's
remember our caveat.
No more shop talk.
It's the weekend.
It's time to engage
in nice, normal conversation.
I'll, uh, get us some
drinks. Woody?
Why do you have this obsession
with labeling everything?
Normal, abnormal,
weekday, weekend.
Well, darling, I was only
trying to create a certain...
In other words, control
the conversation.
That's rather
compulsive, isn't it?
Well, how anal of you to notice.
Oh, the whole
world's anal to you.
Well, what say we, uh,
sleep in late tomorrow
and have eggs Benedict?
I love you.
Pest control.
Where should we start?
Excuse me. What's this about?
Your rat problem.
Rat problem?
Aren't you the one that
called about a rat problem?
No, of course not.
No. We don't have rats.
Well, that's what we
understand, ma'am.
Rats in the building...
Big gray ones.
That's why we're here.
Excuse... Everybody hold on.
There are no rats here.
Oh, of course,
Rebecca, we believe you.
If you should run across
any white ones, about yea big,
I'd be happy to give you
four dollars apiece for them.
What do you use them for?
Snacks.
Everyone just
stay where you are.
There are no rats.
Free round of
drinks on the house.
I wouldn't do that, ma'am.
Those little buggers
might already
have gotten into your beer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll chance it.
Sam, did you call anyone
about a rat problem?
No, no. We have a rat problem?
Ew, God.
I didn't call, you didn't call.
Who called?
Gary. Gary. Gary.
How did he know
we have rats?
Uh, look, if you need us, uh...
here's our card.
Come again.
"Now that's a stunt.
Love, Gary."
He's mine.
Mess with us, huh?
Wait till he finds
the prune juice in his Kahlua.
Yeah, what about
the sneezing powder
in the ventilation system, huh?
That was the coup de ville, huh?
Yeah, Gary's messed
around with the wrong guys.
I wish I was there to
see the stupid looks
on their faces, you know?
Hey, hey, who's the chrome dome?
I don't know.
I've never seen him before.
Uh-huh.
Afternoon.
I'll have a draft.
Excuse me there,
uh, pal of mine.
Yeah?
Eh, what exactly
are you, uh, doing in here?
Getting a drink.
Aha.
So, uh, you're not
from the neighborhood, are you?
No, no, I'm from Framingham.
Uh, my wife's at Mass General.
She just had a double bypass,
and I thought I'd unwind
a little with a drink.
That okay?
Sure.
Let's shave his head
and put him on a bus!
Excuse me.
On second thought,
I think I'll check to see
if they have a juice
machine in the ICU.
Yeah.
You do that, pal.
Hey, you tell Dr. Gary the
gang at Cheers says hello.
Huh? Right, huh?
Okay. I don't know.
What, does he think
we're idiots or something?
Did anybody remember
to grease the bar
stools over at Gary's?
Oh yeah. Yeah, I did.
Woody, get this man
his favorite.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you, thank you.
You're too kind.
May I please see the manager?
I'm the manager.
Can I help you?
Oh, so you're the manager.
Finally something in this
place worth looking at.
I'm, uh, Gary
from the Old Town Tavern.
Well, well, well.
I never expected to see
you step foot in this bar.
Now I can call the exterminator.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
Although I can't
say I blame you.
Things did...
kind of get out of hand,
but hey, we're both
professionals here.
Why don't we just
call this whole thing off
before we lose any
more customers?
Look, uh, I have to admit,
that when I first heard
that you personally
authorized some of these pranks,
I was a little
ticked off myself.
But now that I've met you,
why don't we call that
water under the bridge,
and have a new era of
peaceful coexistence?
Hmm?
All right. Truce.
Whoa, I feel like
a giant weight has been lifted
from my shoulders.
Do you mind if I
call you sometime
and maybe we go
out for a cup of coffee?
Sure, why not?
I like coffee.
Uh, see ya.
How could
you do that?
How could I do what?
After all that's
happened around here,
you can go on a
date with that rat?
Would you please
not say that word?
I happen to think Gary
made a lot of sense.
Besides, he's kind of cute.
Cute?! You think Gary's cute?
Yeah, he's got a real
cool face and a nice body.
He looks kind
of like an athlete.
Hey, what am I?
Jealous.
Excuse me.
There are sheep in my office!
Whoa, sheep. Ho-ho!
You got to admire that, huh?
I thought it smelled like home.
I'm gonna get him.
I'm going to rip his head off.
Aw, but he's so cute.
And then I'm
going to tie him up,
and I'm going to take a lighter,
and I'm going to torch
him from the tip of his toes
to the top of his head.
How come you never
do stuff like that to me?
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
It's all taken care of here.
You all set?
Yep.
Tool box, check.
Coaxial cable, check.
VCR, check.
Tape.
Check.
Good luck, babe.
Carla?
Carla?
Carla?
You're not going to do
anything illegal, are you?
What makes you say that?
Ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Gary's Old Town Tavern is
once again proud to present
the finest in world-class boxing
on the largest screen
TV available in any bar
in the greater
Metropolitan Boston area!
Grab a drink,
sit back, relax,
and let the bloodletting begin!
All right.
The months of waiting are over.
We've heard all the hype,
we know how many
millions are on the line.
This is the big one.
Here we go!
Good evening, I'm Norm Peterson.
And I'm Clifford C. Clavin.
Welcome to an evening of poetry.
We're so glad that
you've chosen to ignore
the fisticuffs they're watching
over at Cheers right now,
uh, three blocks
down and on your right,
drinks half price if you
mention, "Gary sent me."
Tapped into the cable.
Instead, relax with us and enjoy
as we read and interpret
the many works of
Dante Gabriel Rosetti,
the famous 19th century
poet and fancy guy.
Clifford?
Norman...
I'd like to start with "The
Ballad of the Dead Ladies."
Ah.
An excellent choice.
It's written in
iambic pentathlon
with, uh, rhyming couplets,
every couple of couplets.
"Tell me now, in what hidden way
"is Lady Flora the
lovely Roman?"
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, uh, Gary.
What's up, buddy?
I want to know, did you enjoy
the, uh, fight the other night?
Yeah.
Who'd you bet on...
Shelley or Keats?
You guys are great.
I tell you, I didn't
know you had it ya.
You know what?
This is going to go down
in the annals of gags
as one of the greatest.
Here, give me your hands, guys.
I got something
better for you, though,
than a trophy now.
Come on, Gare. No, no, no.
On the level.
No crossed fingers,
standing on both feet.
I am a personal
friend of Wade Boggs.
The Wade Boggs, who was
gonna come over to my place,
sign some autographs,
but I rerouted him over here.
He should be here any minute.
You take good care of him, okay?
You guys are the greatest.
I didn't know you had it in you.
Take care.
Did you guys hear that?
Wade Boggs is coming here.
All right. All right.
Who's Wade Boggs?
"Who's Wade Boggs?"!
He's only the
greatest third baseman
in Red Sox history.
Guy's a pure hitter.
He's only popped up
six times in five years.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm standing in a
room full of idiots.
That's true. What's your point?
Gary's not gonna send
the real Wade Boggs
over to see us.
He's gonna get some
guy in a Wade Boggs suit,
claiming to be Wade Boggs.
We're all gonna
slobber all over him,
buy him drinks, beg
him for autographs
and Gary'll come in and
bust a gut laughing at us.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Yeah, uh, Gary sent me over
to sign some autographs.
Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.
Hi.
Wade Boggs, huh?
Yeah, how you
doing? I'm Babe Ruth.
Yeah, I'm his, uh,
good friend Dizzy Dean.
And I'm Woody Boyd.
Are you sure that
isn't Wade Boggs?
I mean, it really
looks like him.
Oh, Carla, come on.
That's not Wade Boggs.
Wade Boggs is a big,
strapping lad like myself.
Uh, Mr., uh, Wade Boggs,
what, uh...
what are we batting these days?
Something like .360, huh?
Oh.
Well, welcome to Cheers, Mr...
Wade Boggs.
I thought you folks
were, uh, Red Sox fans.
Oh, yeah, we're,
we're Red Sox fans.
Sure, Mr. Wade Boggs.
As a matter of fact, uh,
we'd, uh, like to give
you a nice welcome
that we give all
great sports stars
that happen by to Cheers here.
Maybe I ought
to get out of here.
Hurry, guys! Let's get him!
Whoo-hoo!
Man, that guy was a lot
quicker than he looked.
Yeah. Let's, uh,
check out this guy's wallet.
Find out who this
joker really was.
Yeah, this, uh,
this guy's name
was... Wade Boggs.
Wait. Wow, what a coincidence.
Well, I guess Gary
went to a lot of trouble
to make up fake
I.D.'s for this guy and...
credit cards and...
photo of him with Jim
Rice and Dwight Evans.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, guys.
I had a rough night.
I was out showing
Gary's steady chick
the time of her life.
Whoo.
Did I miss anything?
No, no, just an average day.
We refilled the pretzel bowls,
played a little darts,
pantsed Wade Boggs,
watched a little TV.
Wait, you did what?
Oh, man, we thought it was
another one of Gary's tricks.
So that's who was
running out there
in his underwear in traffic.
You know, you see...
Gary has pulled
off the greatest,
most ingenious
trick of them all.
He's gotten us to get ourselves.
Frasier's right.
We can't top this.
Gary's beaten us.
You know, it's really
rather Machiavellian.
Hey.
Come on, guys.
So we've been
humiliated in every sport.
We've still got something
that Gary can't take away.
Our pride?
Hell, no. We never had that.
We have got
the great Wade Boggs' pants!
Well, it's either
this or nothing.
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
Hey! We're number one!
Pretty weenie.