Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 22 - Slumber Party Massacred - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

There you go.

Cheers.

Oh, yeah, hi, Vera.

Uh, let me see if he's here yet.

Oh, yeah, he just walked in.

Yeah, here he is right now.

All right, bye.

Yeah, yeah, it's for you.

Hi, honey.

Yeah.



I, I have no idea.

I mean, uh...

did you try that broom closet?

Well, how about the pantry?

Well, that would be a
good place to look, okay?

All right.

Okay, let me know, thanks.

Oh, here.

Well, what's Mrs.
Peterson doing?

I don't know, she's looking
for the fire extinguisher.

Was there a fire in your house?

I have no idea.

Should I have asked?

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪



♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Attention, everyone, attention!

I'm getting rid
of that television.

And I am replacing
it this weekend

with a new 27-inch screen TV

with a direct hookup to
the Cable Sports Channel.

Thank you.

Kind of a jerky thing to do,

but I liked it.

That means we'll be able

to watch that world
welterweight championship bout

between Hector "The
Hammer" Rodriguez

and Julio "The
Hacker" Rodriguez.

Who do you think's gonna win?

My money's on Rodriguez.

Julio "The Hacker" Rodriguez

has got a glass jaw.

My uncle Fergie had a glass eye.

He used to take it
out and scare the cat.

This is Cheers, Dorothy.

Isn't it amusing?

Frasier, would you be a
dear and get us some drinks?

Sam, can I have

three martinis please?

Make mine a double.

How's married life treating ya?

Quite a change, huh?

Well, you know, Lilith and I

did live together for
a year before we wed.

So other than the
fact that I now see it

stretching endlessly before me,

until I lie rotting
in the grave,

there's no real difference.

Now, Lilith, if
you, your family,

and generations of
your ancestors had lived

with the boot of
oppression on your throat,

would cutting out a man's
heart seem that extreme?

So who's the party girl?

Dorothy Greenberg.

She's an old childhood
chum of Lilith's from New York.

She's been visiting for a week.

She's a professional student.

She's writing her dissertation

on the Comuneros' uprising
in Paraguay during the 1700s.

She can't talk
about anything else.

Believe me, when you've
heard one Bruno de Zavala joke,

you've heard them all.

Sam, I got to

get this over with.

Listen, there's
something I got to ask you,

and I don't want you
to take it the wrong way.

What is it?

Would you come to
dinner at my house tonight?

Hey, I thought we were friends.

Well, it's just that

Eddie wants us to
practice our social skills

so he can invite his
boss over to dinner.

Can't you ask somebody else?

Please? Come on.

I'm sure any one of the guys

would love to go.

Guys, am I...

So, uh... I'll
expect you at 7:00?

Yeah, all right. All right.

Where'd you guys go?

Go? Huh?

We were right here
all the time, Sammy.

By the way, uh,

thanks for hogging
that invitation

to Carla's house
all for yourself.

There's room for one more.

Sam, you sit here.

Thank you.

What is this, Sammy... no date?

Uh, your mom didn't
want me to bring one.

I always like

to be the prettiest woman

in my house.

And you always will be, baby.

You're no magazine
cover yourself.

Now.

Oh, these look great.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Carla,

it's, uh, nice to see you

surrounded by
such a loving family.

Oh, it's eerie, Sam. Mmm.

I got a husband

who does windows.

And all the kids
are out of jail.

For the first time in my life,

when morning comes around,

I want to open up my
eyes instead of my wrists.

That's beautiful, honey.

Uh, and who knows, Ma?

Someday... well,
you can look forward

to having grandkids.

Carla, a grandmother?

You've got to be kidding.

No, no.

Sammy, it's true.

I think I'd like to be a
grandmother someday.

I mean, get all the fun,

none of the responsibility.

Just seeing the little
brats when I want to.

I think you're
gonna be surprised

what a sweet little
old granny I'll be.

That's great, 'cause I
knocked up Annie good.

What!?

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh! Oh! Carla!

Carla! Carla!

What are you thinking of?!

I just waxed that table.

Come here, come
here. Come on, come on.

Get off. Come on.

Come here, come here.

And besides...

this is family business.

Let's, um...

Let's talk about
this later, okay?

So what kind of car
do you drive, Ed?

I thought you said

you wanted to be a grandmother.

Someday.

Like years from now,

when you've moved
thousands of miles away.

Carla, please.

I drive a Corvette myself.

How could you do this?!

Hey, I'm going to
be 20 in two years.

I can hear my
biological clock ticking.

Do you know what it
takes to raise a kid?

Ma, will you relax? I got a job.

You think you can
support a family

pushing cheeseburgers?!

Well, I thought
we'd all stay here.

Ho-ho, great.

More people in this house.

I get about 19 on the
highway, 15 in town.

Whose stupid idea
was this anyway?

Hey, I was getting bored
sitting around the house.

I thought this might
give her something to do.

I'll give you

something to do!

Oh! EDDIE: No, no.

Carla, Carla, Carla!

Come on.

Well...

if this is the way that we
are going to be treated

on the happiest day
of our young lives,

then I don't want to live
in this house anymore!

Anthony!

You should probably
come with me.

But we haven't eaten yet.

Your hair is full
of bread crumbs.

We could butter your
head and make a sandwich.

I had a sandwich for lunch!

Oh, go on. Go, go!

Get out of here!

Let's see how long
you last on your own!

I give you three days!

Two, two tops! You hear me?

Carla, come on. Calm down.

Sammy, you get 15 in the city?

Hey, so they're
gonna have a baby.

They'll, they'll find
their way through it.

You don't understand.

My life is over.

I'm going to be a grandmother.

I mean,

I might as well wrap myself up

in a black babushka,

get fat and grow
hairs out of my moles.

Oh, come on.

You're exaggerating.

Do I have to get
out the family album?

Oh, God,

this is terrible.

Look at my life.

I never had a childhood.

I married Nick when I was 15.

Never got to go to the
prom or homecoming,

to a slumber party,

to Fort Lauderdale
on Spring Break.

Or on one lousy
date with Fabian.

Now I don't even
get a middle age.

Go straight from
grade school to Granny.

I don't know what to say,

Carla.

Just don't say anything, okay?

There's nothing anybody can say

that's gonna change anything,

so just don't say anything.

Yeah, but, Carla...

Sam, I said don't say anything.

Weren't you listening to me?

Yes, Carla...

I said don't say anything!

Nobody listens to me.

I listen to...

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Just stay away
and leave me alone!

I'm going to my room,

wait for the angel of death.

Oh, here's one of
my favorite paintings

of the Comuneros.

It depicts the peasant
army struggling

to push this cannon
to the top of the hill.

Later, they found out
they were on the wrong hill

and had fired on
their own village.

These people had no luck.

That's fascinating, Dorothy.

Isn't that fascinating, Frasier?

Oh, yes, yes.

You know, these stories make
me long to visit Paraguay...

right now.

I hired you as a
temporary waitress.

What on earth were you
doing with your blouse off?

Serving drinks.

This is not a topless bar.

What, I'm supposed to
get tips for good service?

Yes, dear, that's the
way we do it around here.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I don't beauties
like these under wraps.

Out.

Out!

God, that is the fourth temp

waitress we've gone through.

I hate this bar.

Excuse me, Miss, can
we get some service?

Yes, sir.

Miss,

this martini is too dry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll
take care of that.

I've had it.

Isn't Carla ever coming back?

I was not born to be a waitress.

I was born to manage waitresses.

Oh, Miss? You'll get it when
I'm damn good and ready!

Oh, God.

Well, we tried to
cheer up Carla,

but I don't think it worked.

Yeah? How far did you get?

About a half block away.

She hit Mr. Clavin with a rock.

Woody, uh, would you
have a little look-see?

Is there a lump up there?

Well, let's see.

No.

Gee, Mr. Clavin, do you
pluck your eyebrows?

We can't get along
without Carla here.

How can we get her back?

Uh, well, I don't
know, but let's start

at square one here.

We know that, uh, she's upset

about having a
grandchild, right?

Another round, Sam?

Coming right up.

Table 11, please.

Well, she was complaining

that she'd missed out on all
that teenage stuff, you know?

Homecoming, proms, may...

What-What if we do something

to take her back
to her teen years?

Like get her pregnant?

No.

That's been done to death.

W-What else did
she say? What else?

Uh, let me think, let me think.

All right, something
about a sleep over.

No, no, I know. Slumber party.

Yeah, slumber party.

A slumber party? Right.

Well, that's it.

Why don't we just
throw the woman

a slumber party, and
that'll cheer her up.

Recreating a ritual
of youth is often

just the thing to get someone

out of depression
centered on a fear of aging.

I find it also helps to
listen to heavy doses

of Credence Clearwater Revival.

Great.

I'm gonna do that. - All right.

Just one question.

What-what do you
do at a slumber party?

Well, the phrase "slumber party"

would imply that one sleeps,

but somehow I sense
that's meant to be ironic.

Terrific. We're
really on a roll here.

I have a patient of that age.

I suppose I could
do some research

and help you put
something together.

Thank you, Lilith.

I would really appreciate that.

Certainly. Say, Rebecca,

if you're in need

of some extra guests,

I know a couple
of fun-loving gals

who could really use
a night on the town

away from boring old me.

And, uh,

Lilith, you've always told me

that you found Carla
an interesting, uh...

psychological case study.

Won't you be lonely?

Well, it'll give me

a chance to be alone
with Dorothy's books

and a roaring fire.

Well, what do you say, Lilith?

♪ Big wheel keep on turning ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burning ♪

♪ Rolling ♪
♪ Rolling ♪

♪ Rolling ♪
♪ Rolling ♪

♪ Rolling on the river... ♪

You know, you don't often get
to see them loosen up like this.

Come on in, the coast is clear.

Hi, Eddie. Hey, how you doing?

Good. Hi, uh... how are you?

There you go. Thank you so much.

Sure, sure.

All right, I'm gonna
put on the 45s.

Where's Carla?

She's in the back room knitting.

Oh, that's a sign
she's perking up.

I don't think so.

It's her death shroud.

Oh, no.

I forgot the marshmallows
for the hot chocolate.

That's okay, we'll use
the ones for the s'mores.

Then what will we
use for the s'mores?

Why don't we just
skip the s'mores?

You've been trying to get rid of
the s'mores since we've started.

No, I haven't.

You most certainly have...

Shh! Shh!

Go get Carla.

Hey, Carla,

could you come out
here for a second?

No!

I'd like to discuss something
about your, uh, grave site.

Be right there.

Now!

Surprise!

What the hell

are you doing here?

We're having a slumber party!

That's right, Carla.

Hold on to your hat;
the gals are here.

Eddie, get the gun.

Now, Carla,

we know you're down,

but being alone is no way
to deal with depression.

You need your
friends around you.

Good idea.

Who the hell are you?

Dorothy.

Dorothy Greenberg.

Well, listen, Dorothy, Dorothy,

get the hell out of here,

and take all this crap with you.

Now, come on, Carla. Go, go, go!

Come on.

Why'd you let them in?

Because for the last four days

you've been sitting
around moping and whining

and scaring the kids.

I mean, for God's sake,

you haven't yelled at them once.

Don't you think children
notice those things?

You're right, I'm
not a fit mother.

I'll leave immediately.

No, no, no.

Come on, Carla, look.

Look, if you're not
gonna do this for yourself,

will you do it for me?

I can't live with you
like this anymore.

Look, sweetie, gi-give
it a chance, would you?

Come on, give it an hour.

Look, if I do this,

would you and the Supremes

promise to leave me alone,

get off my back?

We promise.

All right, let's get
the thing over with.

Let the slumber party begin.

I'm going to take
off for about an hour,

then I'm gonna come
back and help you clean up

after you have all
your wacky gal fun.

Bring body bags.

Well, Lilith, you have the list.

Where do we start?

All right, let's see.

All right, so on the list

we have to do, uh,
each other's hair.

Then we talk about boys.

Ooh, tell scary stories.

Have a pillow fight,

and then for the grand finale,

assorted madcap pranks.

What kind of pranks?

According to my patient,

when the first
person falls asleep,

the others take her
underwear, dip it in water

and then put it in
the icebox for an hour

to freeze it solid.

Or they could let you
wear it for ten minutes.

Why don't we just

move to the pillow fight?

Do that again,

and they'll be
tracing you in chalk.

Uh-oh, Carla.

I saw the corners of
your mouth twitching.

Are there little elves

pulling on them?

Up. Up.

Oh, here they go again.

Are you trying not to smile?

No, I'm getting
ready to spit on you.

Yep, in a little under an hour,

Hector "The Hammer" Rodriguez

will be nailing Julio
"The Hasbeen" Rodriguez

into the canvas on our new TV.

Cliffie, in your dreams.

I say "The Hammer"
goes down in five rounds.

You're on.

I say three. Two.

All right. Get some
money up here.

We don't even have a manual.

How are you gonna
hook that thing up?

Easy, Sam.

They included a
special videotape

showing exactly how
to hook everything up.

So all we have to do
is hook everything up,

watch the tape,

and then we'll know
exactly what to do.

Okay, how long

before Woody spots
the flaw in his reasoning?

I say, uh, eight
minutes. Give me three.

Okay, I say five. I say two.

Yeah, I'm in, I'm in.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There you go. I'm in for ten.

Cheers.

Sam, we're over here at Carla's,

but things aren't
going very well.

I thought that maybe

you guys could come
over and crash the party.

You know, something to
shake things up a little bit?

I'm desperate.

Oh, really?

I bet you're kind of sexy
when you're desperate, huh?

Breathing heavily?

Sam.

Is your chest heaving?

Sam, please.

Is your nightgown clinging

to your sweat-soaked body?

Yes.

We're on our way.

Hang on here.

How can I hook this
up to watch the tape

if I don't know
how to hook it up?

Uh, two minutes. No.

Who had two?

Listen, guys, uh,
that was Rebecca.

Uh, slumber party's gone sour.

Let's go help her out.

Wait, wait, Sam,
what about the fight?

Oh, come on.

You think Woody's
gonna be able to fix that?

No one but Carla can
hook up a TV around here.

So we'll go cheer her
up and bring her back.

Don't be so harsh
on the kid, Sam.

Have a little faith here.

Wait a minute.

What are all these wires?

Party's gone sour, you say.

Want another s'more?

Not sweet enough for me.

I think I'll just have
a bowl of syrup.

Look, Carla.

Lilith's hair is
coming out nice.

Yeah, in clumps.

Carla, do you want
me to fix your hair, too?

What do you say?

I say your hour is almost over.

Right.

Um, let's see what's
next on the list?

Ooh, good!

We get to tell scary stories.

You want to hear a scary story?

I'll tell you a scary story.

My life, that's a scary story.

Wonderful, Carla!

Okay, who's next?

Oh, I hope it's not some boys

trying to crash
our slumber party.

What?!

Hi, listen. What?!

I know, I know you
don't want to see me.

But I'll bet you want to see

the Four Swell Guys.

We're going to be bringing you

memories of your
swinging teenage years.

Do you remember this, Carla?

♪ Duke, Duke,
Duke, Duke of Earl ♪

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl ♪

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl ♪

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl ♪

♪ As I walked
through this world ♪

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl ♪

♪ Nothing can stop... ♪
Shut up!

♪ Duke, Duke... ♪

Why do you all keep
coming over here?

We're trying to cheer you up.

Well, stop it!

You can't cheer me up.

Why do people think

they always have to rush over

a-and talk somebody out of it

when they're feeling lousy?

Look, this grandmother thing

is just something I
have to work through,

and I will in time.

There's nothing any
of you guys could do.

Unless you can make me 15 again.

Can any of you

make me 15 again?

Well, can you?

Look, if you really
cared about me,

you would just...
get out of my house

and do what I asked
you to a long time ago.

Just... just leave me alone.

You mean you really

want to be left alone?

Let's go, guys. Come on.

Now what?

The party was stupid.

This was not a stupid party.

Oh, well, I stand corrected.

It was the social
event of the season.

Shut up.

Oh, yeah? You want
a punch in the mouth?

You're gonna be all right?

Yeah.

I appreciate what
you tried to do, Sam.

I'll be okay, you know?

You know, something
always comes along,

some little something,

makes everything work out.

But I got to find it myself.

You can't do it for me.

All right.

You know my number.

Sorry, Carla, I, uh...

just forgot my jacket.

Darn these pants.

Why do they keep doing this?

I had them fixed.