Cheers (1982–1993): Season 6, Episode 25 - Backseat Becky, Up Front - full transcript
Evan Drake wants to speak to Rebecca about something important. She thinks it is finally to tell her that he loves her. In her mind, all the signs are there: since his divorce, he has had many of his business meals at Melville's so that he can be close to her, and he is currently in her office using her phone with his mouth inches away from where her own mouth is so often. He however tells her that he has accepted a job to take over the corporation's Japanese division and is off to Japan for good that evening. She is devastated. Sam feels that she needs to tell Drake how she feels before he takes off, or else she'll be in romantic limbo for the rest of her life. Sam even plans a party for Drake to give her such an opportunity. Opportunity after opportunity fails that evening for Rebecca to tell him what she wants, but as she finagles her way to drive him to the airport... What Rebecca does end up saying places a kibosh on Sam's own plans with Rebecca.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Yeah, it's just a hop, skip
and a jump from the
office to the Ginza.
Look who just slithered in.
The carpet cobras,
featuring Evan
"The Snake" Drake.
I'm all right. How are you?
Rebecca, I've got to
use the phone here.
Oh, you're a phone person, too?
So am I.
Isn't it amazing how
much we have in common?
Thanks.
You know that Drake guy?
He's probably the kind of bloke
that has his knuckle hair
removed with electrolysis.
Yeah, he's probably got one
of those electronic zappers
that he uses to forestall
his receding hairline.
And I bet ya, I bet
ya a dime to a donut
that he has his loofa
and he rubs himself raw
to get rid of his cellulite.
Well, it was in
last month's Soldier
of Fortune, okay?
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh. Oh!
Sam, listen.
Don't you find it interesting
that of all the fine restaurants
in Boston to dine,
that Evans should
repeatedly dine at Melville's
right upstairs from where I can
be found every day of the week?
No, no.
But I do find it interesting
that your button's undone there,
and your bra has a
little bow in the middle.
So, uh, what,
you think the big guy's
finally coming around, huh?
No, he's in there
using my phone.
Can't you see?
Since his divorce became final,
he uses all of his spare
time to be around me.
He is in my office right now
sitting in my chair,
his lips just inches
from the mouthpiece
that I use every day.
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
Excuse me. Rebecca, can we talk?
Excuse me, Sam.
I'm being beckoned.
Listen, if-if this is
what you think it is,
can I give you some advice?
What?
If you're going
to make an ass of yourself,
take it outside.
I'm not going to
make an ass of myself.
All right.
I was just getting
it out of my system.
You wanted to talk
to me, Mr. Drake?
Yes, yes, yes, I do, Rebecca.
Let's sit down here, okay?
Thank you.
Well, this conversation
is long overdue.
I couldn't agree
more, with all my heart.
You don't know
what I'm going to say.
Oh... well, I agree again.
Something... something very
exciting is happening to me.
It's going to change
my whole life.
It's a huge risk.
Take it! Take it!
I'm moving to Tokyo.
I'm going to take over
the Japanese division.
I leave tonight.
Yes, darling, yes!
I told her to take that outside.
I don't believe it.
Everything was going so well.
Then everything went so black.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Women faint all the time.
Well, in cartoons, they do.
Do you think he noticed?
Yes, yes, I-I think he did.
He, uh, he said that
every time he sees you,
you do something more
bizarre than the time before.
What did you say?
Well, honey, I had to agree.
He is leaving for
Japan tonight forever,
and I never got to
tell him how I feel.
Well, hey...
No, wait. You know,
listen, why don't you tell him
at the good-bye party?
What good-bye party?
The one you're gonna
throw for him tonight.
Listen, it's a great idea.
I'll make it a... a
Japanese theme.
Yeah, yeah, we'll
have chips and cheese.
Sam,
I will never have Mr. Drake.
I will never have any man.
I will just dry up,
crumble into dust and blow away.
Oh, come on.
That doesn't sound like you.
That sounds like some
lovesick self-pitying, whiny...
No, that's you all right.
But I'm not gonna
let you give up.
What do you care?
What does anybody care?
Listen, I pride myself
in being a connoisseur
of beautiful babes,
and I'll tell you.
I'm not gonna sit by
and watch a great woman like you
going to waste.
It's like, a...
a thoroughbred
pulling a milk wagon.
It's like a rare wine...
pulling a milk wagon.
Sam, I can't tell him.
Oh, please, please,
do this for me, will you?
I've been watching
this sappy movie
for God knows how long.
I want to see if the
girl gets the guy.
If only once I'd ever had
any little bit of
encouragement from him.
Some teeny, tiny
shred of evidence
that he even knew I existed.
Well, now, he-he did
express some concern
while you were out cold there.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
What'd he say?
Gee, I-I hope she's not dead.
He did?
Oh, God.
And all this time I thought
maybe I was kidding myself.
♪ ...for he's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ That nobody can deny. ♪
That's a perfect illustration
of life's bitter irony,
isn't it?
Oh, how's that, Cliff?
I mean, would you
pass the beer nuts?
There's a guy like Drake...
It's a fabulous job...
Hey, it's time to
make your move.
Come on, he's had
a couple of drinks.
His resistance is down.
He's feeling all
warm, sentimental.
Hell, I think I'll
tell him I love him.
All right, all right.
Mr. Drake?
Hello, Rebecca.
Hi.
You're not gonna faint, are you?
Oh, no. No, I'm fine.
I just thought
that this might be
a good opportunity to
tell you something that I've
wanted to tell
you for a long time.
Miss Howe, may I speak
with you for a moment, please?
Carla, can't it wait?
I don't think so.
It's kind of a woman's problem.
Ah, leave those to the experts.
But I...
What? What? What?
Look, look, look, I
wouldn't have butted in,
but I know that tonight
is your last chance
to tell the boss you got a case
of the screaming
thigh sweats for him.
How did you know that?
Woody put out a special
edition of the newsletter.
Why didn't I just write
it on the bathroom wall?
I'm way ahead of you.
Anyway, look,
I've been down this
road a few times myself,
and take it from a pro,
there is one thing
you always have to do
before you tell a
guy you love him.
What's that?
Lose the mustache.
Uh, Mr. Drake, there's
something that I...
Evan. Yes?
We're really gonna
miss your carpet.
Yeah, you take care.
Anyway, Mr. Drake, there's
something I've wanted
to tell you a long time...
There you go, Mr. Drake.
Hmm? Oh, thank
you, thank you, Woody.
Damn.
I changed all my
American money into yen.
I don't have a tip for you.
I'm sorry, Woody.
Oh, that's okay, Mr. Drake.
I don't need a tip from you.
Okay.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Mr. Drake, as I was
about to tell you...
Hey, hold on, hold on...
Woody, Woody,
come here a second.
I've got these
company courtside tickets
to the Celtics-Lakers game.
Will you take those
in lieu of a tip?
Huh? Yes, sir.
I-I hope you'll forget
about that cheap crack.
What cheap crack?
You're a prince.
Anyway, Mr. Drake,
um, I've wanted
to tell you something
for a really long time.
Mm-hmm. Hold on there, you two.
Let's, let's get
a picture. Smile.
Ah! Hmm. Mm-hmm.
I just hate those flashbulbs,
don't you, Mr. Drake?
Mr. Drake?
These are some USDA, uh,
prime tickets here.
So, uh, who's going with you?
Oh, gee, I don't know.
Well, I think
the obvious choice
would be me, Woody.
I mean, Cliff here
is always making fun
that, uh, you're a yokel.
Whereas, I completely
ignore the fact
that you're a yokel.
Mr. Drake, I...
No. Evan.
I'll call him Evan.
Evan...
I'm a man, you're a woman. I...
No, no.
You get lucky?
Oh!
I'm sorry. I...
The important thing,
Mr. Drake, is that
I finally have you alone
so I can tell you
what I've wanted
to tell you. Pardon
me, Mr. Drake.
Excuse me.
But we're gonna
have to leave now
if you're gonna make your plane.
Oh, yeah. Thanks, bud.
But Mr. Drake, I've really got
to tell you something important.
Uh, Rebecca, hold the thought.
Better yet, telex it, okay?
Bye, Rebecca.
Hold that drink for me, babe.
Sweetheart, sweetheart, he...
He's gone, and you got
to go on with your life now.
I mean, you got to
pick up the pieces
and-and start behaving like a
mature person.
Well, now you're
cookin'. All right.
Excuse me.
Mr. Drake seems
to have forgotten his topcoat.
Tell him it's hanging
on the coat rack.
Uh, I believe
Mr. Drake's, uh... topcoat
is in the...
topcoat closet.
Sam,
I said to tell him...
No, no. Uh, yes,
we keep all of our
executive topcoats in
this closet right here.
It's, uh, way in the back there.
Way, way in the back.
Watch the hat
there. Watch the hat.
There do not appear to
be any topcoats in here.
Oops.
My mistake. Ooh!
Is there a light switch?
Whoa, oh!
Does anyone have a
key here for this closet?
I'm-I'm afraid we're gonna
have to make a key there.
Can you hold on?
Yeah, but be quick.
Oh, dear.
Martin seems to be
locked in the closet there.
Does anyone know how
to drive a limo around here?
Well, I've driven a tractor.
It can't be that different.
No, Woody, when I said
anyone, I meant Rebecca.
Well, in the future, Sam,
you might try using
a little something
that's popular back in Indiana
called "direct address."
I'm... I'm sorry.
Sam, forget it. I'm going
to let that man out of there.
Hey, don't give
up. Don't give up.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to
masquerade as a chauffeur,
get him alone on the highway,
and tell the man I want
to have his babies?
Martin, I'll be
getting that key now.
I love you, Mr. Drake.
There. I said it.
I love you.
I love you more than anyone
I've ever loved
in my whole life.
I love you more than any
woman's ever loved a man.
Mr. Drake?
Hello?
Ow!
Oh, God.
Rebecca?
What are you doing up
there? Where's Martin?
Uh... Martin got sick
looking for your topcoat, sir,
so I'll be driving
you to the airport.
I appreciate that, if it's
not too much trouble.
Uh... anyway, now that I've got
you alone here, Mr. Drake,
the real reason I'm
filling in for Martin
is so that I could tell you what
I wanted to tell you all night.
What I've been
trying to tell you
since the first time I met you.
Get off my tail, scuzzball!
Mr. Drake,
with all my heart...
Could you turn right at the
next corner here, Rebecca?
We have to pick up Christy.
Oh, yes, sir.
Mr. Drake, with all my heart...
Christy?
Yes. She's the young lady
who is accompanying me to Japan.
"Accompanying" in the
modern sense of the word?
Yeah, you might say so.
She's a very special woman.
Very up front.
Aggressive, even.
You know, the first time
we met a few months ago,
she was the one who
actually asked me out.
God, that's refreshing.
Mm-hmm. Ah.
Anyway...
you wanted to ask me something?
Oh, yes, sir.
I just wanted
to tell you that...
that this is really a
lot of car to handle.
I can't believe I
have the strength
to keep from swerving
into the oncoming traffic
and killing us both.
Sammy? Yeah?
You mind if I ask
you a question?
No, go ahead.
I've been trying to
figure out your strategy.
Hmm. You know,
I've always admired you
for being sort of a
selfish, egotistical pig.
Why, thank you, Carla.
But suddenly,
you're locking
chauffeurs in closets,
and giving going-away parties.
It's like you're bending
over backwards
to help Boss Howe
score with Mega-Boss Drake.
Mm-hmm.
This kind of self-sacrifice
isn't like you, and
it's scaring me.
Please, please, tell me
you have some
sleazy ulterior motive.
Fear not, little one.
Aha.
So you don't think
they're gonna make it.
I just wanted to bring
this whole thing to a boil,
so when it blows up, I can...
swoop in and
gather up the pieces.
I call it my, uh,
vulture position.
Sammy? Mm-hmm.
You've got Wessonality.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, huh?
How about that?
According to vulture time,
I bet that's my, uh,
wounded little sparrow
right now.
Hello?
Hi, Rebecca.
O-Okay.
Uh, can you hold
one second, please?
Quote: "Sam, I need your help."
Unquote.
Yeah.
I'm-I'm taking off right now.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Why don't you go in
and sit down there?
Here you go.
There you go.
Do you feel like
you can talk about it yet?
Thank you for
bailing me out of jail.
Anytime.
Oh, God.
This has been
the worst night of my life. Oh.
Of anybody's life.
I pour out my heart and
soul to the man I love,
then he tells me he's taking
someone else across the globe.
I hate guys like that.
And she's really cute, Sam.
Oh.
And they made out
in the back seat.
And he didn't even
roll up the window.
The man is a pig.
I tried not to look,
but the rearview
mirror was just huge,
and I couldn't help it.
And then I got so upset,
I just wrapped the company
limo around a 7-Eleven.
Well, that is dreadful.
Very, very, very sad.
And then Evan
and his cheap imitation
Geisha bimbo whore
grabbed a taxi.
While I had to stand there
and wait for a tow truck.
Oh, and then this
cop came along,
and he asked me to see
my chauffeur's license.
God, if only I'd had one.
Or if only I'd remembered
to bring my purse with
my own driver's license.
Or if only I'd resisted arrest
and he just shot me dead.
Well...
maybe I ought to
leave you alone now.
By yourself...
with some music...
with your depression...
alone.
Sam, can I offer you
a cup of coffee or...
olives?
I didn't have a chance
to go to the grocery store.
I, um...
just kind of don't want
to be alone right now.
Then you shouldn't be.
You need consolation now.
And warmth.
Lots and lots of warmth.
You know, Sam,
I don't have anything
sexual in mind.
I just need a
shoulder to cry on.
Oh, honey, you cry
on anything you want.
Gee, Sam...
what I needed right
now was a friend.
Mmm.
And you're the best friend
I have in the whole world.
No, no.
No, you got plenty of friends.
What, girlfriends, maybe?
Old college friends?
No... I've kind of
grown apart from my old friends,
and I haven't had a
chance to make new ones
with work and everything.
Well, that...
that just leaves...
Yeah, you.
I'm your best friend?
Crazy, huh?
I really think I ought to go.
Sam, why?
Hey, I like you.
I mean, there's not anything
I wouldn't do for
you in the world,
but I-I know what's gonna
happen if I stay here.
You're going to cry some more,
and I'll comfort you some more,
and the next thing you know, uh,
your pantyhose will be
hanging from the lamp.
Sam, please, don't go.
Hey, I can't be trusted.
Trust me.
Le-Let me just leave here now
as a friend, please?
Oh, I'm sorry, I...
Listen.
I want to try this.
For the sake
of our friendship,
I am just gonna resist
my sexual urges,
and that's all there is to it.
Now, come here.
There.
All right.
All right, now...
You know that I loved Evan Drake
since the first time I met him.
I'm sorry, this is not working.
Hot fire below.
Hello.
Hi.
Listen, if this
is what it takes to be a friend,
then I really want to
give it a shot, okay?
So...
we've got all evening here.
Pour your heart out.
Where are you?
I'm downstairs
at a pay phone.
But just, uh, pretend like
I'm right there
beside you, all right?
Thanks, Sam.
Yeah. Yeah, you're welcome.
Well...
as you know,
I have loved Evan Drake
since the first time I saw him.
I know.
Sam, this is silly.
Get up here.
No... Sam, you know
what I've been through.
You're not going to
take advantage of me.
Oh, yeah?
Do me a favor, will you?
Check your bra.
How did you do that?
a live studio audience.
Yeah, it's just a hop, skip
and a jump from the
office to the Ginza.
Look who just slithered in.
The carpet cobras,
featuring Evan
"The Snake" Drake.
I'm all right. How are you?
Rebecca, I've got to
use the phone here.
Oh, you're a phone person, too?
So am I.
Isn't it amazing how
much we have in common?
Thanks.
You know that Drake guy?
He's probably the kind of bloke
that has his knuckle hair
removed with electrolysis.
Yeah, he's probably got one
of those electronic zappers
that he uses to forestall
his receding hairline.
And I bet ya, I bet
ya a dime to a donut
that he has his loofa
and he rubs himself raw
to get rid of his cellulite.
Well, it was in
last month's Soldier
of Fortune, okay?
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh. Oh!
Sam, listen.
Don't you find it interesting
that of all the fine restaurants
in Boston to dine,
that Evans should
repeatedly dine at Melville's
right upstairs from where I can
be found every day of the week?
No, no.
But I do find it interesting
that your button's undone there,
and your bra has a
little bow in the middle.
So, uh, what,
you think the big guy's
finally coming around, huh?
No, he's in there
using my phone.
Can't you see?
Since his divorce became final,
he uses all of his spare
time to be around me.
He is in my office right now
sitting in my chair,
his lips just inches
from the mouthpiece
that I use every day.
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
Excuse me. Rebecca, can we talk?
Excuse me, Sam.
I'm being beckoned.
Listen, if-if this is
what you think it is,
can I give you some advice?
What?
If you're going
to make an ass of yourself,
take it outside.
I'm not going to
make an ass of myself.
All right.
I was just getting
it out of my system.
You wanted to talk
to me, Mr. Drake?
Yes, yes, yes, I do, Rebecca.
Let's sit down here, okay?
Thank you.
Well, this conversation
is long overdue.
I couldn't agree
more, with all my heart.
You don't know
what I'm going to say.
Oh... well, I agree again.
Something... something very
exciting is happening to me.
It's going to change
my whole life.
It's a huge risk.
Take it! Take it!
I'm moving to Tokyo.
I'm going to take over
the Japanese division.
I leave tonight.
Yes, darling, yes!
I told her to take that outside.
I don't believe it.
Everything was going so well.
Then everything went so black.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Women faint all the time.
Well, in cartoons, they do.
Do you think he noticed?
Yes, yes, I-I think he did.
He, uh, he said that
every time he sees you,
you do something more
bizarre than the time before.
What did you say?
Well, honey, I had to agree.
He is leaving for
Japan tonight forever,
and I never got to
tell him how I feel.
Well, hey...
No, wait. You know,
listen, why don't you tell him
at the good-bye party?
What good-bye party?
The one you're gonna
throw for him tonight.
Listen, it's a great idea.
I'll make it a... a
Japanese theme.
Yeah, yeah, we'll
have chips and cheese.
Sam,
I will never have Mr. Drake.
I will never have any man.
I will just dry up,
crumble into dust and blow away.
Oh, come on.
That doesn't sound like you.
That sounds like some
lovesick self-pitying, whiny...
No, that's you all right.
But I'm not gonna
let you give up.
What do you care?
What does anybody care?
Listen, I pride myself
in being a connoisseur
of beautiful babes,
and I'll tell you.
I'm not gonna sit by
and watch a great woman like you
going to waste.
It's like, a...
a thoroughbred
pulling a milk wagon.
It's like a rare wine...
pulling a milk wagon.
Sam, I can't tell him.
Oh, please, please,
do this for me, will you?
I've been watching
this sappy movie
for God knows how long.
I want to see if the
girl gets the guy.
If only once I'd ever had
any little bit of
encouragement from him.
Some teeny, tiny
shred of evidence
that he even knew I existed.
Well, now, he-he did
express some concern
while you were out cold there.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
What'd he say?
Gee, I-I hope she's not dead.
He did?
Oh, God.
And all this time I thought
maybe I was kidding myself.
♪ ...for he's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ That nobody can deny. ♪
That's a perfect illustration
of life's bitter irony,
isn't it?
Oh, how's that, Cliff?
I mean, would you
pass the beer nuts?
There's a guy like Drake...
It's a fabulous job...
Hey, it's time to
make your move.
Come on, he's had
a couple of drinks.
His resistance is down.
He's feeling all
warm, sentimental.
Hell, I think I'll
tell him I love him.
All right, all right.
Mr. Drake?
Hello, Rebecca.
Hi.
You're not gonna faint, are you?
Oh, no. No, I'm fine.
I just thought
that this might be
a good opportunity to
tell you something that I've
wanted to tell
you for a long time.
Miss Howe, may I speak
with you for a moment, please?
Carla, can't it wait?
I don't think so.
It's kind of a woman's problem.
Ah, leave those to the experts.
But I...
What? What? What?
Look, look, look, I
wouldn't have butted in,
but I know that tonight
is your last chance
to tell the boss you got a case
of the screaming
thigh sweats for him.
How did you know that?
Woody put out a special
edition of the newsletter.
Why didn't I just write
it on the bathroom wall?
I'm way ahead of you.
Anyway, look,
I've been down this
road a few times myself,
and take it from a pro,
there is one thing
you always have to do
before you tell a
guy you love him.
What's that?
Lose the mustache.
Uh, Mr. Drake, there's
something that I...
Evan. Yes?
We're really gonna
miss your carpet.
Yeah, you take care.
Anyway, Mr. Drake, there's
something I've wanted
to tell you a long time...
There you go, Mr. Drake.
Hmm? Oh, thank
you, thank you, Woody.
Damn.
I changed all my
American money into yen.
I don't have a tip for you.
I'm sorry, Woody.
Oh, that's okay, Mr. Drake.
I don't need a tip from you.
Okay.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Mr. Drake, as I was
about to tell you...
Hey, hold on, hold on...
Woody, Woody,
come here a second.
I've got these
company courtside tickets
to the Celtics-Lakers game.
Will you take those
in lieu of a tip?
Huh? Yes, sir.
I-I hope you'll forget
about that cheap crack.
What cheap crack?
You're a prince.
Anyway, Mr. Drake,
um, I've wanted
to tell you something
for a really long time.
Mm-hmm. Hold on there, you two.
Let's, let's get
a picture. Smile.
Ah! Hmm. Mm-hmm.
I just hate those flashbulbs,
don't you, Mr. Drake?
Mr. Drake?
These are some USDA, uh,
prime tickets here.
So, uh, who's going with you?
Oh, gee, I don't know.
Well, I think
the obvious choice
would be me, Woody.
I mean, Cliff here
is always making fun
that, uh, you're a yokel.
Whereas, I completely
ignore the fact
that you're a yokel.
Mr. Drake, I...
No. Evan.
I'll call him Evan.
Evan...
I'm a man, you're a woman. I...
No, no.
You get lucky?
Oh!
I'm sorry. I...
The important thing,
Mr. Drake, is that
I finally have you alone
so I can tell you
what I've wanted
to tell you. Pardon
me, Mr. Drake.
Excuse me.
But we're gonna
have to leave now
if you're gonna make your plane.
Oh, yeah. Thanks, bud.
But Mr. Drake, I've really got
to tell you something important.
Uh, Rebecca, hold the thought.
Better yet, telex it, okay?
Bye, Rebecca.
Hold that drink for me, babe.
Sweetheart, sweetheart, he...
He's gone, and you got
to go on with your life now.
I mean, you got to
pick up the pieces
and-and start behaving like a
mature person.
Well, now you're
cookin'. All right.
Excuse me.
Mr. Drake seems
to have forgotten his topcoat.
Tell him it's hanging
on the coat rack.
Uh, I believe
Mr. Drake's, uh... topcoat
is in the...
topcoat closet.
Sam,
I said to tell him...
No, no. Uh, yes,
we keep all of our
executive topcoats in
this closet right here.
It's, uh, way in the back there.
Way, way in the back.
Watch the hat
there. Watch the hat.
There do not appear to
be any topcoats in here.
Oops.
My mistake. Ooh!
Is there a light switch?
Whoa, oh!
Does anyone have a
key here for this closet?
I'm-I'm afraid we're gonna
have to make a key there.
Can you hold on?
Yeah, but be quick.
Oh, dear.
Martin seems to be
locked in the closet there.
Does anyone know how
to drive a limo around here?
Well, I've driven a tractor.
It can't be that different.
No, Woody, when I said
anyone, I meant Rebecca.
Well, in the future, Sam,
you might try using
a little something
that's popular back in Indiana
called "direct address."
I'm... I'm sorry.
Sam, forget it. I'm going
to let that man out of there.
Hey, don't give
up. Don't give up.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to
masquerade as a chauffeur,
get him alone on the highway,
and tell the man I want
to have his babies?
Martin, I'll be
getting that key now.
I love you, Mr. Drake.
There. I said it.
I love you.
I love you more than anyone
I've ever loved
in my whole life.
I love you more than any
woman's ever loved a man.
Mr. Drake?
Hello?
Ow!
Oh, God.
Rebecca?
What are you doing up
there? Where's Martin?
Uh... Martin got sick
looking for your topcoat, sir,
so I'll be driving
you to the airport.
I appreciate that, if it's
not too much trouble.
Uh... anyway, now that I've got
you alone here, Mr. Drake,
the real reason I'm
filling in for Martin
is so that I could tell you what
I wanted to tell you all night.
What I've been
trying to tell you
since the first time I met you.
Get off my tail, scuzzball!
Mr. Drake,
with all my heart...
Could you turn right at the
next corner here, Rebecca?
We have to pick up Christy.
Oh, yes, sir.
Mr. Drake, with all my heart...
Christy?
Yes. She's the young lady
who is accompanying me to Japan.
"Accompanying" in the
modern sense of the word?
Yeah, you might say so.
She's a very special woman.
Very up front.
Aggressive, even.
You know, the first time
we met a few months ago,
she was the one who
actually asked me out.
God, that's refreshing.
Mm-hmm. Ah.
Anyway...
you wanted to ask me something?
Oh, yes, sir.
I just wanted
to tell you that...
that this is really a
lot of car to handle.
I can't believe I
have the strength
to keep from swerving
into the oncoming traffic
and killing us both.
Sammy? Yeah?
You mind if I ask
you a question?
No, go ahead.
I've been trying to
figure out your strategy.
Hmm. You know,
I've always admired you
for being sort of a
selfish, egotistical pig.
Why, thank you, Carla.
But suddenly,
you're locking
chauffeurs in closets,
and giving going-away parties.
It's like you're bending
over backwards
to help Boss Howe
score with Mega-Boss Drake.
Mm-hmm.
This kind of self-sacrifice
isn't like you, and
it's scaring me.
Please, please, tell me
you have some
sleazy ulterior motive.
Fear not, little one.
Aha.
So you don't think
they're gonna make it.
I just wanted to bring
this whole thing to a boil,
so when it blows up, I can...
swoop in and
gather up the pieces.
I call it my, uh,
vulture position.
Sammy? Mm-hmm.
You've got Wessonality.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, huh?
How about that?
According to vulture time,
I bet that's my, uh,
wounded little sparrow
right now.
Hello?
Hi, Rebecca.
O-Okay.
Uh, can you hold
one second, please?
Quote: "Sam, I need your help."
Unquote.
Yeah.
I'm-I'm taking off right now.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Why don't you go in
and sit down there?
Here you go.
There you go.
Do you feel like
you can talk about it yet?
Thank you for
bailing me out of jail.
Anytime.
Oh, God.
This has been
the worst night of my life. Oh.
Of anybody's life.
I pour out my heart and
soul to the man I love,
then he tells me he's taking
someone else across the globe.
I hate guys like that.
And she's really cute, Sam.
Oh.
And they made out
in the back seat.
And he didn't even
roll up the window.
The man is a pig.
I tried not to look,
but the rearview
mirror was just huge,
and I couldn't help it.
And then I got so upset,
I just wrapped the company
limo around a 7-Eleven.
Well, that is dreadful.
Very, very, very sad.
And then Evan
and his cheap imitation
Geisha bimbo whore
grabbed a taxi.
While I had to stand there
and wait for a tow truck.
Oh, and then this
cop came along,
and he asked me to see
my chauffeur's license.
God, if only I'd had one.
Or if only I'd remembered
to bring my purse with
my own driver's license.
Or if only I'd resisted arrest
and he just shot me dead.
Well...
maybe I ought to
leave you alone now.
By yourself...
with some music...
with your depression...
alone.
Sam, can I offer you
a cup of coffee or...
olives?
I didn't have a chance
to go to the grocery store.
I, um...
just kind of don't want
to be alone right now.
Then you shouldn't be.
You need consolation now.
And warmth.
Lots and lots of warmth.
You know, Sam,
I don't have anything
sexual in mind.
I just need a
shoulder to cry on.
Oh, honey, you cry
on anything you want.
Gee, Sam...
what I needed right
now was a friend.
Mmm.
And you're the best friend
I have in the whole world.
No, no.
No, you got plenty of friends.
What, girlfriends, maybe?
Old college friends?
No... I've kind of
grown apart from my old friends,
and I haven't had a
chance to make new ones
with work and everything.
Well, that...
that just leaves...
Yeah, you.
I'm your best friend?
Crazy, huh?
I really think I ought to go.
Sam, why?
Hey, I like you.
I mean, there's not anything
I wouldn't do for
you in the world,
but I-I know what's gonna
happen if I stay here.
You're going to cry some more,
and I'll comfort you some more,
and the next thing you know, uh,
your pantyhose will be
hanging from the lamp.
Sam, please, don't go.
Hey, I can't be trusted.
Trust me.
Le-Let me just leave here now
as a friend, please?
Oh, I'm sorry, I...
Listen.
I want to try this.
For the sake
of our friendship,
I am just gonna resist
my sexual urges,
and that's all there is to it.
Now, come here.
There.
All right.
All right, now...
You know that I loved Evan Drake
since the first time I met him.
I'm sorry, this is not working.
Hot fire below.
Hello.
Hi.
Listen, if this
is what it takes to be a friend,
then I really want to
give it a shot, okay?
So...
we've got all evening here.
Pour your heart out.
Where are you?
I'm downstairs
at a pay phone.
But just, uh, pretend like
I'm right there
beside you, all right?
Thanks, Sam.
Yeah. Yeah, you're welcome.
Well...
as you know,
I have loved Evan Drake
since the first time I saw him.
I know.
Sam, this is silly.
Get up here.
No... Sam, you know
what I've been through.
You're not going to
take advantage of me.
Oh, yeah?
Do me a favor, will you?
Check your bra.
How did you do that?