Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 3 - Money Dearest - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Mr. Clavin's back.

Whatta you say, Woody?

How was your trip to Expo?

Oh, a once-in-a-lifetime
experience.

I tell ya.

You know, no ears have heard,

no eyes have seen the
wonders I've experienced

these past two weeks in Canada.

If I died right now,
I'd be a happy person.

You wouldn't be the only one.



Hey, uh, Normie,
you should have seen

this 3-D movie they had
about life in Vancouver.

You know, with those glasses on,

you felt like you
were really there.

You were there, Cliff.

I've been readin' up on Expo.

Did you catch that
bullet train they got there?

No, I guess I missed that one.

Did you see the
Great Hall of Ramses?

Uh, no, no, I guess that
slid right by me... yeah.

Uh, how about the
U.S. space exhibit?

No.

Chinese acrobats?

Uh-uh.



SAM: Hey, Cliff! How was Expo?

A major disappointment, Sam.

( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Sam, Yeah.

I need a Dewar's rocks
and a Grand Marnier, please.

Comin' up.

Did you have a chance

to look at the
catalog I left for you?

What catalog?

This catalog with the
silverware patterns.

To go with our
china and fine crystal.

Sam, we have to make a decision,

if we're going to be registered.

Some people in the bar

are starting to ask about gifts.

Who? What people? Where?

Aw, Norm.

I just asked if ya had
to give one, all right?

Anyway, Sam, should
we have a big wedding?

No, no,

I think we should
have a military one.

All 21 guns aimed at the bride.

Hey, Fitz. Still Irish?

As Paddy's pig.

All right.

Make it the usual, Sam.

SAM: Uh, drinks for everybody.

( cheering, applause)

So, uh, who's the geezer?

That's Mr. Fitzgerald.

He's come in every day
for the past two weeks

and bought drinks for everybody.

Yeah?

Gee, he's a heck of a guy.

You know, I think, in many ways,

Mr. Fitzgerald and I are alike.

We both come here seeking
warmth and camaraderie.

A safe haven from
the outside world.

You know, a place where
you can always feel welcome.

Excuse me, pal,
you're on my stool.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

Eh, look at him, huh?

Mr. Big Shot over there.

What does he think he is, a
"bon vivone" or something?

( chuckles)

He's about the richest
guy you'll ever meet, Cliff.

Why don't we join him?

CARLA: Hey, Fitzie,

thanks for that
$20 tip last night.

But I don't want ya gettin'
the wrong idea about me.

Carla, I know that your
favors are not for sale.

See? That's what I mean
about the wrong idea.

Eh, howdy. Cliff Clavin.

Duncan Fitzgerald.
Nice to meet you.

Yeah, so, uh, you, uh, you
live in the neighborhood?

Well, I just moved here.

I was originally from Michigan.

The, uh, Wolverine State, huh?

Interesting, interesting.

So, I hear you're stinkin' rich.

Real smooth, Cliff. Very smooth.

Uh, Fitz is actually kind of
a minor celebrity, I guess.

He invented a little something

we call the, uh,
the refill, right?

Is that right? No, no, no, no.

It wasn't the refill. It was...

The metal vapor input valve.

It's, uh, used on
most, uh, commercial

and military jet engines.

Oh, yeah.

I never step on a plane
without lookin' right out

on that wing and see
if there's one out there.

Actually, it's
located in the tail.

Uh, well, yeah, yeah.

It's, uh, 'cause if ya
saw it on the wing,

then you'd know you
were in a lot of trouble, huh?

NORM: As long as we're
talkin' business here,

who, uh, who does
your books, sir?

McCann and Williams.

McCann and Williams.

Uh, can I talk to you about that

over a game of darts?

FITZGERALD: Sure.

I think I could do
better than those guys.

What do you like
best about them?

Well, I must say I like
their aggressiveness.

( chuckles)

Sir, I think I can be
just as aggressive.

I doubt that.

Yeah, you're probably right.

He's a great guy.

Yeah, it's too bad that we
seem to be his only family.

No wife?

He's a widower.

CARLA: Boy, I'm tellin' you,

with all the millions he's got,

if I was an old bat,

I'd snatch him up in a minute.

Ma.

What's that, Cliff?

Huh? Oh, uh, well, you
know, my ma's been dyin'

to come down here for, uh, years
to meet all the guys at the bar.

Hey! Tonight's a good
a night as any, huh?

I wish I'd thought of that.

I'd try to get my
mother down here first,

but it takes a forklift
to get her off the couch.

Hey, Clavin,

Fitz really wants to leave.

Yeah, yeah, she's comin' now.

Just hang on a minute.

Hold him there.

Hi, there.

Ma,

what took you so
long to get down here?

Well, I wanted to look
my best for your friends.

And this is two hours' worth?

Uh,

Ma,

this is Cheers.

Yeah, this is the odor

I'm always washing
out of your shirts.

Well, come on in, Ma.

I, I want to introduce you

to the finest, greatest bunch
of pals a guy could have

anywhere on the
Earth. I'm tellin' ya.

Everybody, this is
Ma. Ma, this everybody.

Ma, you just stand right
there for a few seconds, huh?

I'll be right back.

So I guess Mr. Clavin's
told you a lot about us, huh?

No, actually, Clifford
doesn't talk much

around the house.

That Cliff?

That's right.

Some days, not a peep.

Of course, the same thing occurs

in nature, too.

It's a little-known
fact that arctic wolves

that remained in
the den too long

exhibited a tendency
to be reticent

in their howling.

Ah.

Now, when I read that...

Hey, Ma, Ma, Ma, come on.

You're boring the pants
off these people here.

Well, look who's here.

Ma, I'd like you to meet

a dear, dear, old, very
close friend of mine.

Mr. Fitzgerald, this is
my ma, Esther Clavin.

Nice to meet you.

Duncan here's originally
from Michigan, Ma.

Oh.

Have a seat.

Yeah, my ma's been

to your home state.

Oh, really?

No, I've been to
Maine and Montana,

but not Michigan.

( forced laugh)

Isn't that fascinating, huh?

Perhaps, if you live in a cave.

( laughs)

Isn't she a firecracker?

Uh, say, Mrs. Clavin,
uh, did you know

that Fitz over there invented a
technical gizmo on jet airplanes?

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, what a
coincidence, huh, Ma?

You've, uh, you've
ridden in jet planes before,

haven't you?

No, I walked to Montana.

( giggles)

Normie, I'm sinkin' fast.

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong,

but didn't you two
share a war together?

Hey, yeah.

That's, that's right.

Uh, Ma, where were
you during the big one?

Clifford, you know
I was in New York.

I worked at the
USO on 42nd Street.

I was in charge of table games.

Universal checker championships,

Tuesdays and
Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.

Oh, my goodness!

Ladies red,

gentlemen black. Right.

Your host...

BOTH: Bobby Holloway.

( both laugh)

That's right! That's right.

Bobby Holloway.

Oh, Bobby Holloway.

ESTHER: Oh, Bobby Holloway.

Isn't this beautiful, huh?

Hey, why don't you two
finish up your reminiscing

over some nice
baked sea bass, huh?

That's the, uh, special
up there at Melville's.

Well, I could use a bite.

Well, I guess I'm feeling
kind of peckish, too.

Great. Hey, and
listen, it's my treat.

Now, I absolutely, positively,
insist... dinner is on me.

Oh, I can take
care of it, Cliff.

You got it!

Oh, what lovely buttons.

Did you know that buttons
on a man's jacket sleeve

have absolutely no purpose?

They originated on the
uniforms of Napoleon's army

when he discovered

that his soldiers were
using their sleeves

to wipe their noses.

Oh, she's gonna flap her gums
all the way to the poorhouse.

Hey, Cliff!

Hey, Sammy!

Have you heard the latest
in the, uh, Ma-Fitz romance?

No, no. What's goin' on?

Yeah, they're celebratin'
their first week together

with a picnic on the Charles.

Whoa, the Charles!

Boy, that's the make-out
capital of the world.

And if he does as well as I do,

there's gonna be a lotta panting

and rolling around and...

shopping.

There's a mall right
next to the Charles.

SAM: Oh, yeah.

Speaking of the devil...

Oh, hey, Ma, Fitz!

I thought you two were
on the way to the Charles.

Well, we are.

Are you busy?

What's up, Ma?

Sit down, son.

Clifford,

now I know how much
your father meant to you,

and I know it's going

to take a while for
you to adjust to this,

to having a new father.

Daddy!

ESTHER: My God!

Clifford, I haven't even
kissed him on the lips.

Hey, everybody!

Wedding bells at
the Clavin compound!

( cheering)

When's the happy day, folks?

Tomorrow.

CLIFF: Sammy, champagne!

Oh, Duncan, I'm gonna throw you

the biggest bachelor
bash Beantown's ever seen!

Normie, call all my friends.

I think he moved.

Well, then call all yours.

Woody, I'm gonna make you
entertainment chairman, huh?

Hot dog!

Get on the horn there,
call the Parker House

and, uh, order me
up their fanciest room.

You got it.

Wow, my first bachelor party.

No dates, right?

No.

Hey, uh, congratulations
there, Fitzie.

Thank you.

Listen, if things don't
work out with Esther,

here is my mother's
number, okay?

Let it ring ten or 15 minutes.

She'll get there.

Oh, you two.

I'm so happy for you.

You know, Cliff,

your mother is the first person

who's ever really
loved me for me

instead of my checkbook.

Oh, Ma...

That's why I'm donating

the bulk of my
fortune to charity.

CLIFF: Giving... money... away.

Actually it was
your mother's idea.

Ma's?

I didn't want Duncan to have
any doubts about my feelings.

How are you two gonna live?

Well, I'm not gonna
give it all away.

I'll keep enough for the
two of us to be comfortable.

We're simple people...
We don't need much to live.

ESTHER: And you're

self-sufficient, not to mention

that postal pension you're
always bragging about.

WOODY: Mr. Clavin,
it's the Parker House.

They want to know if you want

the Embassy Court
or the Grand Ballroom.

Give me that!
Give me that phone!

Fraternity prank.

What, are you nuts, Woody?

I can't afford a party.

Parties are for rich
people. I'm poor.

I've always been poor.

I'll always be poor.

I'm gonna die poor!

I'd like to resign as
entertainment chairman.

Listen, I don't know
how to say this to you

without offending you, but
you're behaving like a class-A jerk.

Oh, am I?

Well, what have I
got to celebrate?

SAM: Well, for one thing,

your mother's met
a very nice man

who's making her very happy.

And?

Cliff!

Well... all right.

All right, of
course you're right.

( Cliff sighs)

I guess I just forgot how
much Ma means to me.

Yeah, I'll have the
party for her sake.

It'll just have to be
the economy version.

You know, no frills.

Well, if it'll help out,
we'll close the bar early,

and you can have it here.

Why, thank you, Samuel.

That's very nice of you.

Hey! Hey, wait a second.

Who knows,

when Fitz sees
what a nice guy I am,

maybe he'll, uh,
remember me in his will.

CARLA: Yeah.

"To the idiot son
of my new wife,

I leave squat."

( lively jazz playing)

( music continues)

Uh, Mr. Clavin, some of
your guests have been asking

if they can take the
plastic wrap off the food.

Huh.

Don't they understand?

When food is exposed to air,

just about anything can happen.

Yeah, people could eat it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
very funny, wise guy.

Oink, oink, Mr. Peterson.

Let's have a little restraint.

This food's got to last
us the rest of the night.

Oh, the girls are here!

( men whooping and shouting)

CLIFF: Oh, Sammy, Sammy,

I thought this was gonna
be a low-budget affair.

My treat.

Oh, hey, well, in that
case, ladies, welcome!

Shake it, bake it, let's
see if we can take it!

( laughs)

Oh, come on in here
and let me introduce you

to the, uh, the guest
of honor tonight.

There he is.

Sic him!

( belly dancing music plays)

( laughing): Hey!

Eh, so, Fitz,

how are you enjoying
your bachelor party so far?

I haven't been this excited

since I first trapped
vapor in my input valve.

No man forgets
his first time, huh?

( chuckling): Oh, my!

Hey, don't worry, Fitz,
they're not gonna bite.

Yeah, he's right.
That costs extra.

Hey! SAM: Hey, girls.

What're you doing back
here? I thought you had

a bachelorette party
going. Yeah, yeah, but, uh,

I have to borrow some money
against next week's loan.

Can you give me 50 bucks?

All right. What do you, uh...

what do you need it for?

We're going to a dance recital.

You need 50 bucks
for a dance recital?

We have to have something
to stick in the guys' underwear.

( both laughing)

Good for you.

Esther here is okay.

I mean, you can't blame her

for one horrible crime
against humanity.

Where, uh... where's Diane?

We ditched her.

There you are!

How on earth did
we get separated?

I have no idea.

I thought we all
got in the taxi,

but when it pulled
away from the curb,

I was the only one inside.

( laughs)

Uh, this is... this
is fun, but, I...

you girls are gonna
have to leave.

This is "men only" here.

Oh... Oh... Okay, okay.

You know, instead of going
to that club you suggested,

we could try Cafe au Lait.

They have a wonderful
new harpist, I hear.

Oh, great.

No, that sounds like fun.

I'll hail a cab.

Let's go!

Hey, Normie, Normie,

things are going very smoothly.

Yeah, yeah, I think
Fitz might donate

some money to, uh,
my favorite charity.

Yeah? What's that? Save
the Clavin Foundation.

I am having the time of my life!

I knew you would, Fitz.

You know,

I didn't warm up to
you at first, but, uh,

I'm beginning to think
you're not so bad after all.

Yeah? When did you
come to that conclusion?

Figure it out for yourself.

( music continues)

Then she says to her
girlfriend, "Maybe so,

but this one's
eating my popcorn."

( laughter)

Okay, okay, I guess it's time

for me to take off
the psychiatrist's cap

and tell one of my own.

All right! All right, well,

it seems there's these two men
stranded on a deserted island.

Doug and Dave.

Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.

This is better
with dialects. Uh...

Okay, so an Irishman and a Dane

are stranded on a...
No, wait a second.

I-I don't do Danish. Um...

Okay! An Irishman and a Swede.

All right. That's it.

Patrick and Lars.

So Lars turns to Patrick
one day, and he goes, uh...

( Swedish accent): "How
much water have you left?"

( laughter)

Oh, no, gee, wait a second.

I-I think one of them's
supposed to be a rabbi.

( conga music playing)

Whoa!

The King of the Conga.

Hey, Cliffy, how am I
doing? Ah, you're a vision,

Fitz, a vision!

Woody, I don't think I've
done that since my wedding.

Oh, you conga'd at your wedding?

No, I sweated.

Okay, now, I want to get
the punch line just right

because otherwise,
I'll ruin the whole joke.

Uh, you know, it's
all the noise in here.

Would you mind?
It's kind of distracting.

I'll, uh, I'll be
back in a second.

Kick up your heels, Fitz.

That's it, faster!

Hey, Fitz! Fitz, hey, maybe
you ought to sit one out.

You've been going
pretty hard there.

No, no, Sammy, it's
his last night to howl.

Let him live it up, huh?

Hey, listen, thank you, Cliffy.

You've given me one of the
very great nights of my life.

And I want to promise you

I'm gonna take very
good care of you.

Sammy...

is there a tear in my eye?

No, no.

Are there dollar
signs in my eyes?

Yeah, I think

there are, Cliffy.
( laughs): Oh-ho...

Hey, Normie, did you hear that?

I'm gonna be rollin' in it!

Yeah, you been rollin'
in it for years, Cliff.

Come quick! This is
terrible! Fitz is really sick!

Oh, my God!

Okay, I've got it!

( Irish accent): "Glory be.

Nobody knows the
rubble I've seen."

( Frasier laughing)

No, no, that wasn't it.

All right, before we go
home, one more time.

Fitz. Hell of a guy.

To Fitz. Fitz. Fitz.

It was a lovely service.

And, Diane, your choice
of poem was wonderful.

Thank you.

I just wish I hadn't been
cut off right in the middle.

We had to... the eternal
flame was starting to go out.

Good night, Sammy.

Yeah. Good night, all.

WOODY: You know,
funerals are a lot different here

than they are back home.

NORM: Yeah? How's that, Woody?

Well, where I come from,
when somebody dies,

people come from miles around,

bake lots of pies,
bring all kinds of food,

make speeches,
ride the roller coaster.

Oh, wait,

that might be the state fair.

Ma...

you okay?

ESTHER: I'm fine.

I just was gonna straighten up

in here a little.

You don't have to do that, Ma.

No, I want to.

Oh, will you look at
the rings on this table.

Don't people use
coasters anymore?

Ma... whenever you're trying
to hide something inside,

you always pick up some
household chore to do.

Now, I don't know
if you realize it, but...

since Fitz passed away,
you... you haven't cried,

you... you haven't got upset,

you haven't shown
any kind of emotion.

Well, what's there
to be upset about?

I barely knew the man.

We just had some good
times together, that's all.

Ma... stop wiping.

( sobbing)

That's it, Ma.

You just let it all out now.

( sobbing)

Good, good. Now,
don't you feel better?

( loud sobbing)

Yeah, that should
just about do it, huh?

( sobbing)

Good. One last little spurt.

( sobbing)

Ma, you know, there's
a fine line between

expressing your
feelings and blubbering.

( crying, chuckling)

( chuckles)

I'm sorry. I guess you're right.

I'll get you a
glass of water, Ma.

Oh, well.

Life goes on.

I guess I have
to accept the fact

that I'm not the type that
good things happen to.

Well, I don't know, Ma.

I mean, there was, uh,

one good thing that
happened to you

about, uh, well, 37 years ago.

There certainly was...
Not many women

get to shake hands
with Bing Crosby.

( clears throat): Well,
there you are, huh?

Oh, Cliff, you know I mean you.

You're my pride and joy.

You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Gee, think of that.