Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Cape Cad - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Sam, two nights ago on the boat,

you demonstrated
in no uncertain terms

that you and I are inevitable.

You said those words I had
hoped to hear for so long,

"Will you marry me?"

Before thinking, I responded no.

But then I realized all I needed

was some time alone
to clear my mind.

Now I have returned to
you with a resounding "yes."

Say, Sam,



I don't like it any
more than you do,

but I've decided to accept it.

Therefore, I am
going to work here

so that when you
finally accept it,

as we both know you will,

we can move forward to build
and nurture our relationship.

Excuse me. I have
customers to wait on.

No, you...!

Listen, listen, I, I
don't want you here.

I don't want you
in the building.

I don't want you on this planet.

He's crazy about me.

No, I'm not crazy about her.

You make me sick to my stomach.



That's how I am about her.

We have kind of
a little thing going.

Now, what would you like?

I'm sorry. This isn't my table.

Miss Chambers?

You know I'm your friend

and friends should
stick together,

so I'm really happy you're back.

Oh, Woody, thanks.

Well, kind of happy,
'cause Sam's my friend, too.

So I can't be too happy

or else he'll can me, which
will make me really sad.

And I know you, as my friend,
wouldn't be happy about that.

So, whatever you do, don't
tell Sam what I just told you.

What did you just tell me?

Perfect.

( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Sam, what do you think
of Vivaldi at the ceremony?

You can invite anybody
you want. I don't care.

I'm not going to be...

As a matter of fact,
nobody's going to be there

'cause there's not
going to be a wedding,

but if you want to
work here, that's fine.

You got my blessings.

I'm glad you've come
around to see the wisdom of it.

Oh, there's wisdom in it.

There's tons of wisdom.

Let me tell you why.

I want you to have
a front-row seat here

for all the luscious babes

I'm going to have marching
through here every night.

As a matter of
fact, from now on,

it's casaba city, and
you're looking at the mayor.

You'll pardon me if I don't
refer to you as "Your Honor."

You know, I'm going down to the
Cape this weekend for a little R&R.

That's Rhonda and room service.

( all hooting)

I love the Cape.

We spent so many
happy hours there.

Sightseeing, talking...

Yeah, well, Rhonda and I

aren't going to have
any time for sightseeing.

We're going to be just
coming up for air long enough

to order some of
that fish head soup.

Bouillabaisse.

No, I mean it.

Fine.

I couldn't care less.

I'll just continue on,

secure in the knowledge
that you love me.

I did... I did not
say I loved you.

You proposed to me.

Love and marriage go together.

Why else would you
propose to someone?

Nevertheless do what you will,

but keep in mind that
you might try to sabotage

this tryst of yours

because deep in your
heart, you know it's not right.

We are.

Oh, yeah, I see what
you're doing here.

You're trying to plant
a little seed in my brain.

Oh, don't be silly.

I know of nothing that
grows in solid rock.

Yeah.

Hi, everybody.

( dejectedly): Hi,
Diane. Welcome back.

Carla, you don't seem
surprised that I'm working here.

I knew you'd return.

Your kind always does.

Like roaches after
atomic testing.

Well, I must say I'm relieved

to see you act this way.

I was expecting something
a little more violent.

No.

I'm glad you're back.

You see, I got this theory.

If you and Sam hang around
each other long enough,

one of you is going
to kill the other.

Now, if Sam kills you, fine.

If you kill Sam,
I'll turn you in,

get a reward, and
you'll get the chair.

( imitates electrical crackling)

Either way I come up a winner.

I think we're becoming friends.

Let's have a slumber
party sometime.

Hey, there's a
kitty-cat in here.

A guy gave 'em to me
on the way in this morning.

You know my kids have been giving
me a lot of crap about not having any pets,

so I figure Max here ought
to shut 'em up for a while.

Well, what do you call

the little one?

What little one?

You know, all that wheat's
making you hallucinate.

Oh, great, she's having babies!

There's another one!

You're a farmboy.

What are you supposed
to do to stop this?

Well, it's too late to
go to the drugstore.

I swear, I swear, this cat
was not pregnant when I got it.

The minute it
becomes a Tortelli,

it starts dropping 'em like...

( phone rings)

Oh, yeah, there you are.

Well, I'm off for my
weekend, Diane.

Cheers. Oh, by the
way, did I tell you

that Rhonda was double-jointed?

Hey, Sam,

it's for you.

Yeah, hello.

Oh, hey, Rhonda.

I was just talking about you.

Oh, oh, no, don't do this to me.

Well...

can't you be born
again on Monday?

All right, all right,

Well, you, too.

Whew, do you believe that?

She canceled on me.

Women.

Reminds me of what my
Uncle Henry used to say.

Oh, yeah? What was that, Woody?

Women.

Hey, uh, Sammy, don't let
Diane hear about Rhonda.

She'll load that info into her
shotgun and take aim, huh?

Yeah, no one is going to
ruin Sam Malone's weekend,

no matter what Diane says.

Yeah, hello, Vicki?

Yeah, it's Sam Malone.

Yeah, yeah, listen, uh,
how, how does the idea of,

uh, 48 hours of sun and
surf up at the Cape grab ya?

Oh, yeah?

Well, if that grabs ya,

how's the idea of me
grabbing you grab you?

Yeah, all right.

All right.

Yeah, me, too.

Okay, I, I'll see ya in
about two hours then, Vicki.

All right. Bye-bye.

CLIFF: Yeah.

I thought her name was Rhonda.

Well, uh... Rhonda canceled.

But that's good.

That's good because I like,

I like Vicki better than Rhonda.

As a matter of fact, I kind of
hope that, that Vicki cancels

because I have somebody
even better waiting in the wings.

I know. Me.

No, no, not you.

You know, Vicki, I
just want you to know

that this is going to
be the most beautiful,

terrific, special
weekend of my entire life.

Listen, you don't need to keep
selling me on this weekend.

No, I...

I'm sold. All right.

I'm famished.

I wish they'd take our order.

Oh, they'll be
here. Don't worry.

Nothing's going to ruin
this weekend, I'll tell ya.

Ah, perfect.

Have you decided?

What'll you have?

Ah, what's the Catch of the Day?

You mean besides me?

( laughing)

Ah, this is great.
Isn't this great?

We're having fun, right.

I'll take the scallops.

Yeah, uh, that... two of
those. That'll be good.

Oh, geez!

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, are you kidding me?

That was fun for me.

Wasn't it fun for you?

I mean, it's
spontaneous, refreshing.

Oh, it's great.

I'll move you to another table.

Don't you dare. This is perfect.

Thank you very much.

You know, someone
tried to convince me

that this weekend was
going to be a total disaster.

VICKI: Really? Who?

That person right there!

Sam!

What a surprise.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Vicki.

I'm...

Leaving immediately.

Diane.

Are you enjoying your weekend?

Of course she's
enjoying her weekend.

It's a fantastic weekend.

Did you notice
your table's all wet?

That's 'cause we
want it that way.

As a matter of fact,
we ordered it wet.

Hey, you know, I
think it's drying out

a little bit, don't you?

Here you go. That's better.

Excuse me, Miss.

There's a telephone
call for you at the desk.

Thank you.

I'll be right back.

I'll miss you.

What the hell are
you doing here?

Mm, you know, all your talk of
a lovely weekend at the Cape

made me realize how much
I needed to get away myself.

It's just the most

incredible coincidence

that we ended up
at the same place.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to rattle
me, but the joke's on you,

because I'm better
under pressure.

I don't rattle.

Only when you shake your head.

Have fun. Okay.

You know, you just guaranteed

this is going to be the
most perfect weekend ever.

Oh, good, yeah, you're back.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Now why don't you
sit down over there.

This might be wet here.

Sam? Hmm?

I'm afraid I have to leave.

Oh, God, no, don't
say that, please.

I'm sorry. Look, that was
my sister on the phone.

Our grandmother's ill.

I have to fly to Idaho.

Why? You're not a doctor.

Please, please, don't...

Sam, I'm sorry this happened,

but you're going to have

to drive me back.

No, no, uh...

I have to stay here.

Uh, I'll call you a cab.

Well, as long as you
don't go out of your way.

What, again, Vicki?

Even rabbits take
a break to eat.

When you're finished
there, go upstairs

and help the lady in
Mr. Malone's room with her bags.

WAITER: She's checking out?

Her grandmother's ill.

( Diane laughing)

I'd heard she was dead.

It's nice to know
she's just sick.

WOMAN ( on TV): Pat,
I'd like to buy a vowel.

A vowel?

There are only two spaces left.

She wants to buy a vowel.

Where do they get these people?

( knocking)

Who is it?

Room service.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, good, thank you.

Put... put it right over there.

Okay.

I bet you're wondering why

I ordered two of everything

when there's only
me up here, huh?

Uh, no, not really.

Well, actually, it's 'cause I
want to give the impression

that there are two
people in the room.

Well, you fooled me.

Oh.

Good, good, good.

Where are my hot fudge sundaes?

I couldn't fit 'em on the tray.

I'll be right back up.

All right. Great, great.

Uh, make sure you parade
around the lobby a couple of times

before you bring
'em on up. Will ya?

Sure.

( phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, Sam.

How's it going up there?

Uh, fine. Fine.

( giggles)

Oh, don't do that,
Vicki. I'm ticklish.

Sam, I feel an
apology is in order.

I may have made
your friend Vicki

a bit uncomfortable
earlier today.

Well, she's plenty
comfortable right now,

so, uh, I'll pass
on her message.

Bye-bye, Diane.

No, no, Sam.

I wouldn't feel right

unless I expressed
my feelings personally.

Let me speak with her, please.

Shoot.

She's in the, uh, the
bathroom right now.

She's tickling you
from the bathroom?

Well, she just went in there.

She... she always runs into the
bathroom after she tickles me.

Perhaps it's nausea.

Sam, I, I really want to
apologize to her face-to-face.

I'll be right up.

No, no, no, no, don't...
( line disconnects)

Oh, good, good, good.

Do me a favor, will
ya? I'll pay you $50.

I beg your pardon.

Let's go, Harvey.

No, no, no, please.
No funny stuff at all.

Uh, come, come on now.
You'll be saving my life here.

Come, come on in. Come in.

Now hold it now.
Just a minute here.

I promise you.

No weird stuff.

I just want your wife
to go in the bathroom

and make some noises.

What kind of noises?

I don't know, uh...
woman kind of stuff.

Like you're getting all
dolled up for some hot action.

What does that sound like?

Uh, eh, I don't know.

Whatever you and Harvey do...

Never mind. Never mind.

Just, uh...

Here you go. $50.

( knocking)

Hi, Sam. Hey.

Where's Vicki?

She's, uh, still
in the bathroom.

Well, I'll just wait. Huh?

No, uh...

You know, um...

this could take
a little while here.

Why don't you, uh,

why don't you just yell your
apologies through the door here?

Oh, that's silly.

I'll be here all weekend.

I can certainly wait.

( woman laughing)

( laughing)

She sure is busy.

Is that enough

or should we snap some towels?

It's the, uh,
bathroom inspector.

It's a new thing.

Sam...

let's call an end to this
nonsense right now.

I don't care how
rough you were on her;

that is not Vicki.

See, I know Vicki left.

I've known all along.

And you let me go through
this whole stupid act?

Well, I wanted to
see how far you'd go...

Ordering two sets of meals,

leaving empty
bottles of Vitamin E

outside your door...

Yeah, well, what about you?

You know, coming all the
way up here to spy on me?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Yeah?

What's the use?

We both look like imbeciles.

All we do is find new ways

to humiliate each other.

I humiliate you by saying "no"

to your sweet proposal.

You humiliate me by
rejecting my retraction.

You carry off this
ridiculous charade.

I spy on you in hotel rooms.

It's become sick and degrading.

And, quite frankly,

I'm embarrassed to be a
part of it, Sam. Yeah, well,

I'm not too thrilled
you're part of it either.

Here you go, pal.

Oh...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I guess this all looks
pretty weird, doesn't it?

Oh, nothing I
haven't seen before.

I believe you owe us $50.

Now there's a new one.

Boy, Carla, you
know, I never thought

you'd be able to unload
all those kittens in one night.

Yeah, it was just
a simple matter

of marketing
technique, you know.

Giving away a
beer with each kitten

really did the trick.

Come on.

Here, Toots,

time for your first cab ride.

You know you guys are
really gonna love Vera.

She has legs just
like a scratching post.

Oh, good evening.

Good evening.

Oh, it's you.

Small world.

Mm...

I thought I was eating late
enough to avoid seeing you.

Me, too.

The only reason why
I waited so long to eat.

Oh, I thought perhaps
it was because

you've been eating for two.

( sighs)

I'm kind of glad you're here.

I've been sitting here
driving myself crazy.

When we used to come here,

wasn't there a lobster
trap out in the lobby?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I guess the
lobsters finally wised up

and starting coming
through the kitchen.

( laughs)

By the way, I suppose
I owe you an apology

for being here this weekend.

In retrospect, I guess...

it was probably a mistake.

Probably?

I'd say "definitely"
if you were to admit

that it was a mistake to
flaunt your date in front of me.

Apology accepted.

Boy, you know the one thing
I really hate is to eat alone.

I always feel like
someone's looking at me.

I'm the only one here.

Well, you're looking at me.

Then you can either join me or
I can eat with my eyes closed.

Well, I hate to have
you butter your knuckles.

Good.

Sam, you know
what I remember most

about being here before?

Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah, I think the salt air
gives me extra stamina.

Actually, I was thinking
of the Clams Oregano,

but now that you
mention it, I did enjoy the...

salt air.

Sam, what I said before
about our relationship,

I'm...

I'm sorry I said it.

I was upset.

It may not be ideal, but...

it hasn't been
without its moments.

Speaking of moments,

this, uh, is beginning
to feel like one here.

Yes, I think I've
decided what I want,

and it's not on the menu.

Oh, you want to
skip the main course

and jump right into
the "Sammy Soufflé"?

I see you haven't lost
your way with words.

Let's go.

Yes, this is the perfect moment.

But... it is with
the understanding,

isn't it, of...

what this step we're
about to take means?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.

If they give us any trouble,

I'll just pay for both rooms.

What it means between us.

Oh, now wait, listen. Listen.

No, it has to mean
something, Sam.

I'm only gonna
agree to do this if,

if we agree that it
doesn't mean anything.

How can our lovemaking
not mean something?

Well, it's easy.
Just concentrate.

I don't want to get caught up

in a war of words with you.

What I'm feeling right
now is very... special,

and I think we
should go upstairs

and be with each other

and figure out what
it means afterwards.

Let's go.

No.

What?

I-I gotta be clear
what I'm doing here.

I mean, my gut's
telling me one thing,

but my, my head's telling
me something quite different.

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

( chuckling)

Oh...!

Gotcha.

( laughs)

You were joking? ( laughs)

Yeah. How's it feel? I
mean, how do you like it

when you get your
motor all revved up

and then someone jerks
the rug out from under you?

Well, mixed metaphors
aside, I don't like it a bit.

Yeah.

But your point is well
taken, and I deserved that.

Well, great.

( chuckling)

All right.

Come on. Let's go.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

Oh, all right, I see
what you doing.

That's good. That's,
that's very funny.

That's... ( chuckles)

All right. Come on.

No, the only place
I'm going is home.

You know, it's very funny.

I laughed. The joke's over.

Sam, this is the wrong
time for physical dalliance.

It's too soon.

If we rush into a
physical encounter now,

we might ruin the
much more important

nuptial consummation coming up.

Smell the old salt air.

Sam, please.

This is nothing to worry about.

We're on the right course.

When we're married,
you'll be happy we waited.

Really, this is nothing
to be upset about.

Bye-bye.

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.
I mean, it's perfect.

You said someone was
gonna ruin this weekend,

but now I'm really gonna
have some fun here.

Shoot.

Did we lose another one?

( groans)