Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 4 - Abnormal Psychology - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

MAN ( on TV): so grab your rod
and reel, and join us next week

when Jim takes us trolling
on Lake Winnebeshaki.

Nice show, huh?

Well, if you ask me,
there's something wrong

with watching televised fishing.

Not the same impact

as watching it live, huh, Woody?

Hey, you know something?

I got a great idea.

What's to stop us



from taking a little
fishing trip ourselves?

We don't want to?

Oh.

Come on, it'd be fun.

You know, we could go

this very afternoon,

head out to Lake Winthrop, huh?

What do you say?
NORM: All right.

Okay. All right, let's get
organized here, uh, Woody.

Uh, I'd like you to be in charge

of bait and tackle, okay?

Got you.

Cliffy in charge of, uh,

food and the transportation.



Okay.

Well, what're you in
charge of, Mr. Peterson?

Finding a reason not to go.

Ah, here we go.

Huh? Gladiator film
festival at the Majestic.

CLIFF: Yeah, that's a good one.

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom ♪

( humming dramatic fanfare)

De gustibus non est disputandum!

( humming continues)

( piano plays)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

Oh, uh,

some customer was in

with some tickets
to some concert,

sounded foreign and dull.

I thought you wouldn't
want to miss it.

Thank you.

( gasps)

Jean Pierre Rampal!

It was just some customer. I
didn't really catch his name.

Oh.

He's a flautist.

Nothing less than brilliant.

No other player could so
eloquently fuse the world of

classical music to
that of modern jazz.

What a perfect
performer for us to see

on this, our first
official date together

in our new-found relationship.

What should I wear?

Something long or tea length?

Why don't you wear something
you can stretch out in?

Oh.

The seat next to
you's gonna be empty.

Sam!

Come on, please.

Can't you scrape somebody
else up to go? Please.

And the operative
word there is "scrape."

There's only one
man I want to be with.

No, no, I'll go alone.

And it'll be fine. Mm.

Miss Chambers,

I might be back
from my fishing trip

in time to take you,

if I don't stop
to clean up first.

No, thank you, Woody,
that's very sweet.

Maybe next time.

Okeydoke, but I don't know

when I'm gonna be
going fishing again.

Cliffy, it was not ten.
I had 11 of 'em. 11!

You're wrong, Normie,
you're wrong, wrong, wrong.

How was the Gladiator
film fest, fellas?

CLIFF: Not now, Sammy.

We're awash in controversy.

You had ten, Norm,

just like me.

Ten what?

Anachronisms. Huh?

Oh, you know,
those things that, uh,

aren't in the time period
in which the film is set.

Normie and I like to see
who-who gets the most.

Today it was me. 11!

Normie, you had
ten just like me.

There was no way

it was Caesar Augustus
wearing Reeboks.

Hey, so you guys ready

to go fishing? Uh...

we got to... You know,
Woody, uh, couple beers first.

You know, I work up a
powerful thirst watching,

uh, Thoracian dogs smite
Spartan pigs, you know.

Greetings, everyone.

Hey, Frasier.

How about a beer?

Oh, well, no, Sam,
just make it a club soda.

I've got to appear on TV today,

and I want to keep
my wits about me.

Oh my! SAM: No kidding?

What's the TV show?
FRASIER: Well, it's a

local talk show called
Psychology This Week.

Oh.

Oh, maybe you
heard it. I don't know.

I know all about that show.

It's where once a week a couple

of shrinks get together

and debate certain aspects

of the psychological condition.

That's right. NORM: Oh, man,

we had to pick today
to go fishing, huh, Cliff?

Well, I'm surprised.

I didn't know you were a fan.

SAM: Hmm...

Well, he was, but
he stopped watching

when they lost the hostess
with the big Hindenburgs.

It's on at 4:00.

It promises to be very cerebral,

and, uh, I might add,
uh, darned entertaining.

Well, uh,

unfortunately,
Frasier, it interferes

with another highly
cerebral event...

The, uh, Raiders-Patriots game.

SAM: Yeah, right.

I realize that football

is a rarity on
television in the fall,

but don't you think we
could spare half an hour

to see our friend, Frasier?

Do you have any idea how
much action you can miss

in a half an hour of football?

About 18 seconds.

Oh, all right, all right.

I guess it won't hurt... much.

Thank you, Sam.

( phone ringing)

Cheers. Yeah, hold on a second.

Oh.

You want to tell me what
the taxicab was doing,

uh, parked in front of
the Temple of Athena?

Yeah... all right,
uh, it was, uh... uh...

it was, uh, probably taking
Demitrius to the airport.

Well, thank you.

( clearing throat)

Well, as it turns out,

you can now watch your
game with a clear conscience.

I won't be doing
that show after all.

What changed your mind, Frasier?

Well, Dr. Foster had
to cancel, and, uh...

Dr. Sternin is going
to take his place.

Lilith Sternin?

You mean that... Uh,
pardon my French...

Woman you once dated?

That's a rather charitable
description, Cliff.

Well, I just hope
they can find someone

to replace me as readily
as they did Dr. Foster.

Can't handle
debating a woman, eh?

A woman, yes.

An ice cube in heels, no!

Look, I have no intention
of entering a debate

with those cold, gray eyes
and those clever, smirking lips.

I'd rather clip my
nails in a Cuisinart.

Oh, my.

What's wrong?

Oh, don't you see?

Frasier's in love.

He's what?

Oh, come on, Sam.

You're forgetting I was once

romantically
involved with Frasier.

I know when he's
enamored of someone.

Didn't you see
his nostrils flare?

And everyone knows that
hate is not the opposite of love.

Indifference is.

Well, whatever you say.

I really don't care.

Touché, Sam.

Let's be honest.

Quite often you've expressed

feelings of
antagonism toward me,

and we both know
how much you love me.

I...

I do not love you, Diane,

and I have the
nostrils to prove it.

And you...

You're wrong about Frasier.

I mean, I know
psychobabble when I hear it,

and I also...

Wait. Uh...

Frasier? There's a theory

going around the bar

that you're ticked
off with Dr. Sternin

because you're in love with her.

What do you think?

Well, that sounds like someone

who doesn't know
shortcake from Shinola.

Hey, good guess,
good guess... Diane.

FRASIER: Oh, well, hmm.

That's nothing but mere
cocktail-party psychology.

Believe it or not, Sam,
it's actually possible

to have hostile feelings
toward someone

without being in love with them.

You mean I can
actually hate Diane

without having it mean
anything more than I hate her?

Feel free. Ooh!

Oh, I better cancel

that appearance
before it's too late.

Hang on. There you go.

CLIFF: Uh-oh!

Frost warning.

Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.

Dr. Sternin.

What a lovely surprise.

I hope I can regard
that as civility

in light of today's situation,

rather than sarcasm
at my expense.

No, that was completely
at your expense.

You know, I wasn't
going to do today's show

when I heard you
were the other guest,

but then I realized I'd relish

proving my superiority
over you in public.

Yes, that appeals to me, too.

So, I felt we should
at least discuss

some procedures of conduct.

Ah, well...

Don't you dare.

My mistake.

So, am I to assume that
you just naturally thought

that I'd be at this
drinking establishment?

Actually, knowing your
obsessive-compulsiveness,

I checked with your service,

and indeed, you'd left them

a very complete
itinerary of your day.

I trust all went well
at the dry cleaner's.

Thank you, yes.

And I can assume
from your questioning

that you're attempting
to make idle conversation

rather than articulating
some control dysfunction

with my personal habits.

That's correct.

Are they fighting?

LILITH: First of all,

I think any mention
of our past relationship

could tarnish the
objectivity factor of the show.

You call that a relationship?

I mean, we dated one time.

The closest we came
to physical contact

was when you closed
the car door on my hand.

Are you repressing? Oh!

Forgive me. Actually,
you're quite right.

Yes, I should be
straightforward in telling you

that you are passionless,
stoic and emotionally numb.

Apology accepted. Merci.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

they're fighting.

He just asked for mercy.

Secondly, I think perhaps we...

Look, Dr. Sternin,
if you'll excuse me,

I have to cash a
check and fill up

my gas tank before the show.

Yes, I know.

Have the attendant
make sure your tires

aren't as inflated as your ego.

You know, you perplex me.

Oh?

Yes, normally people of
your limited physical appeal

make up for it with
an actual personality.

Dr. Sternin, excuse me.

I overheard Dr. Crane's remarks.

If it's any consolation,

I can empathize with
your hurt feelings.

If you'd like to share
any of them with me

as a fellow woman, I
would consider it an honor.

Who are you?

( chuckles softly)

Diane Chambers.

I'm an old friend of
Dr. Crane's, a student,

and until my imminent marriage,

an employee here at Cheers.

Please, let's sit down.

Well, I suppose I am
just a little sensitive

when it pertains
to my appearance.

Well, if I may be so bold
as to step into your arena,

I believe that

Frasier's hostility

is masking a deep
attraction to you.

( subdued chuckling)

Thank you, Diane.

It's been a long time since
I've had such a good laugh.

Why would Frasier
Crane be attracted to me?

I'm not that kind of woman.

But you can be.

It just takes a little
softening of the edges.

Perhaps loosen the bun a bit

to relieve some of the
tension in your face.

I'm afraid it's not
as easy as all that.

Oh, that's nonsense. Look...

I'm not far from here.

Why don't you come
over to my place,

and I'll show you what I mean?

We'll just put a little
more makeup on, or...

some.

I really don't
think I can do that.

Oh, come on, Dr. Sternin.

You're going to be
on television today.

A little refinement
of your appearance

might give you an
edge in the debate.

Well, I suppose
it wouldn't hurt.

Good, good! Let
me get my things.

Sam,

may I have my purse, please? Oh,

and I'm going to be
taking my lunch hour

a little early today.

Thank you for showing up at all.

You're welcome.

Shall we go?

You know, I've always

envied women like you

who could simply tumble
out of bed each morning

looking blonde and perky.

Oh, well, I must admit,

in my case, there is
a little labor involved.

A little labor?

She's calls in Local 416.

( TV plays) Yeah.

Oh. Yeah?

Come on, guys.

CLIFF: Yeah, I think they...

Okay, the tank's full,
and the gear's all loaded.

I got everything you
could possibly need

for a fishing trip.

Uh, Woody, look, uh, we're right

in the middle of the game, huh?

I got a battery-operated
portable TV in the car.

We got a few beers to
finish here yet, buddy.

I got a cooler full
icing down in the trunk.

Yup, I think

the kid's outlasted us, Norm.

WOODY: Hot dog!

Look out, trout! ( laughs)

Hey, if you guys don't
mind, I'll do the driving.

All right, I got shotgun.

Wouldn't it be more
sporting to use a fishing pole?

Oh, this is gonna be great!

ANNOUNCER: It's a
fumble. Davis picks it up

for the Patriots,
He's got a clear field...

Come on, come on, come on...

( all shouting)

( theme music plays)
Aw, come on, Diane.

It's a great game.
What're you do...?

Now let's all check our watches.

Did we not promise to
watch Frasier's show at 4:00?

All right, everybody see it?

ALL: Yeah.

( fans cheering on TV)

( affirmative shouts)

( indistinct voices)

All right, fine!

I'm not gonna play cat-and-mouse
with a silly remote control box.

You know, all you
people ever see

of Frasier Crane
is an ordinary Joe

sitting at the bar
being one of the guys.

You should see
him in his métier.

He's a brilliantly
perceptive man.

Does anybody have a
box that'll shut her up?

No, but I'd be glad
to do it manually.

SAM: Oh!

Come on, you guys.
We made a promise.

MAN: Aw, Sammy! Thank you, Sam.

HOST: First I'd
like to introduce

Dr. Frasier Crane.

Dr. Crane is an
eminent psychiatrist

here in the Boston area

specializing in
treatment of phobias.

( applause)

Joining Dr. Crane
in this discussion

is Dr. Lilith Sternin.

Dr. Sternin is a member
of the psychiatric staff

at Boston General Hospital.

( applause)

( crowd murmuring)

Welcome, Dr. Sternin.

Thank you. Dr. Crane.

You really made her
look beautiful, Diane.

Physician, heal thyself.

HOST: You've made many
excellent points, Dr. Sternin.

How do you respond to them,

Dr. Crane?

Dr. Crane?

Oh, excu... What
was the question?

Oh, uh,

yes, of course.

Excuse me, uh...

Yes, my method of...

flooding, uh,

seeks out the patient's,

well, most sensitive
and vulnerable spot

in the defense
system, and, uh...

penetrates...

probing deeper and deeper

into the patient's psyche,

thrusting over and over.

And thereby
uncovering the reality

behind the irrational fear.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Anything to add, Dr. Sternin?

Yes.

Uh...

( clears throat): Although

Dr. Crane's method is faster...

a slow and methodical approach
can be much more rewarding.

Gentle stroking of the psyche

will bring about a far more

intense release of emotion

building until the patient
quite often will literally

cry out in a release of

satisfaction and joy.

( gasping): Point well taken.

This intellectual stuff's
getting me all hot.

This is embarrassing.

We shouldn't be watching this.

Mm.

Well, maybe just a
little while... Yeah.

And that concludes
this afternoon's program.

Aw! Oh, no, no, hey.

Boo! Come on!

HOST: Dr. Sternin,

Dr. Crane, thank
you for joining us.

Oh, excuse me.

For a written transcript
of this afternoon's show,

please send a self-addressed,
stamped envelope

to Psychology This
Week, Box 84037,

Boston, Massachusetts,

0220...

5.

What was that box number again?

Uh, 02205.

Hey, fellas, how
was the fishing trip?

Geez. It would have
been a little better

without Cliff's jabbering.

Guy catches one fish,
turns into Ernest Hemingway.

Oh, congratulations, Cliff.

Thank you, Sammy.

Yeah, it was man against fish.

The rest of the
world was shut out.

It was a good
fish, a clean fish,

a strong fish.

A little fish.

Get that stinking,
slimy thing out of here.

And take your fish with you.

Oh, Frasier, I didn't expect

to see you here.

Thought you'd be exchanging
psychological positions

with Dr. Sternin.

Please, Sam.

I made a complete fool of
myself today and Dr. Sternin.

If they'd had a
hose at the studio,

they would have turned it on us.

Actually, that
sounds kind of fun.

I'll never be able to
look her in the eye again.

The only consolation is

that nobody ever
watches that show.

Way to go, sex machine!

I'm ruined.

Half of New England saw me today

as a rutting pig.

Come on, Frasier.

You're not in
rut, you're in love.

Oh, nonsense!

I don't think that because
two people breathe heavily

on a TV show is
any cause for them

to declare their undying love.

Breathe heavily?

I thought you were
gonna suck in a chair there.

Listen, a TV station

may not have been the
best place in the world

to sprout antlers,
but it happened.

Go with it.

DIANE: Dr. Sternin, you're...

back.

Diane, I'd like to thank you
for your Pygmalion-like efforts.

I'd like to, but I can't,
because they led to disaster.

Good evening, Dr. Crane.

Dr. Sternin.

It's, uh, nice to see you again.

And you.

I apologize for my overzealous
behavior this afternoon.

And for making fools of us both.

Yes, well, I would also like

to apologize for my completely

unprofessional attitude, and

I promise you that

that sort of thing will
never happen again.

Fine.

I've already penned a letter

to the American
Psychiatric Association

apologizing for my behavior.

I would suggest
that you do likewise.

Of course, of course.

And I think

perhaps for the sake of
our professional reputations,

it's best we put this
matter behind us

and go on with our lives.

Oh.

That is probably wise.

You see, I've already
lost three patients

as a result of today's fiasco.

That's odd.

I picked up three.

While we're on the
subject, Dr. Crane, I suggest

that your behavior indicates
an unacceptable level

of sexual frustration.

You strike me as a man
who needs professional help.

Or perhaps a girlfriend.

And you strike me as a woman

who could use a good cuffing.

Good day, Dr. Crane.

Good day, Dr. Sternin.

Uh, just a moment, Dr. Sternin.

Um...

Sam, isn't the refrigerator
door stuck again?

I don't think so. Oh,

I think it is.

And we need a hairpin

to open it up. Dr. Sternin,

could we borrow a hairpin?

I don't see how
a hairpin will help.

Strangely enough, it does.

FRASIER: Oh, well,

don't you see?

What these

two people who are
such geniuses at romance

are trying to do

is to get you to
take your hair down,

thinking that it
will stimulate me

like some sort of Pavlovian dog.

So, why don't you just

oblige them, get
this silliness over with

so we can get on with our lives?

( sighs)

You mean like this?

Precisely.

You know what?

What?

I'm going to kiss you.

I'm going to

kiss you hard, and I'm
going to kiss you long.

But make no mistake about it,

I am going to kiss you.

In fact, I'm going to kiss
you like you've never...

( sighs)

Yes, like that.

Now listen, Lilith, I think

you and I have just been
too articulate for words.

We talk and we talk, and
what we really want to do

is show how we feel.
I think, Dr. Crane...

Look, I don't care
what you think!

We both want to be animals.

Now I'm going
back to my tastefully

decorated townhouse

and prove it.

Well, I-I suggest
you come with me.

I think I see what you're trying

to do, Dr. Crane, and I
just want you to know...

it worked.

Let's go.

Isn't it exciting
to see the blush

of new-found love
on their faces?

Do you realize

we've just seen the birth of

a new ro... Don't you
have someplace to go?

Oh, yes.

The concert.

By myself.

I'll go.

And sure, I'll be
alone, but I don't care.

Because I'm in love.

And no one who's

truly in love can ever be alone.

And I know my fellow loves me.

He just doesn't know it yet.

So I'll go to this concert,

listen to the music, and
dream again of the day

when he'll be sitting beside me,

holding my hand,

sharing the moment.

That's my dream,

and mine alone.

And no one can...

Get her out of here!

I'll go.

Only if you really want to.

But this is not a date.

The fact that we sit together

has nothing to do with anything.

We're gonna take separate cabs.

I will not talk to you
during the intermission.

I'm not gonna take you

anywhere afterwards,

and we will not mention
this ever again, okay?

Fine.

Okay.

Is that love, or what?