Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 26 - I Do, Adieu - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Sammy, got three questions.

One, who's going
to fix the ball return

on the pool table?

Okay, I'll check that today.

Check. Two, how much
vermouth do you want next month?

Uh, an extra case.

Check. Three, why, why, why?!

Oh, come on, don't start with me

about the wedding, will you?

Oh, Sammy...
Sam, it actually looks



like you're going to go
through with this horrible thing.

Why do you want
to marry this woman?

I don't know, Carla. It...

It's not easy to explain.

I mean, why did you marry Nick?

Why?! 'Cause I was
stupid, that's why.

Well...

actually, there
was a little more.

What?

You tell anybody
this, and I'll kill you.

No, I won't.

Nick made me feel... all...

all squooshy inside.

"Squooshy"?



Squooshy.

Uh, well...

that's how Diane
makes me feel...

All squooshy.

Oh, yuck!

Double yuck!

Oh, I'm gonna throw up!

This is so disgusting!

You said it. What do y...?

I married Nick 'cause
he knocked me up.

This is sickening!

Ugh!

I only said it
'cause you said it.

What are you do...?
I need some air.

Hey, guys, listen to this!

No, don't, please don't...!

Sam says Diane makes
him feel all squooshy!

Ooh, Sammy!

"Squooshy."

Oh!

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Excuse me, young man.

I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane.

I'm looking for Diane Chambers.

Gee, I hope she's not sick.

No, I'm not a medical doctor.

I'm in the Literature
Department at Boston University

where I occupy a chair.

Huh. Hey, don't worry about it.

That's all I did in school, too.

Hey, that's Sumner Sloane there.

The famous Sumner Sloane...

The man who jilted Diane?

Yup. He made a
bigger doofus out of her

than she made out of you.

No easy trick.

Oh, boy, yeah, that was one

of your major league dumps, too.

Poor little Diane,

left there on our
doorstep, you know,

turning to us for, uh,
shelter from life's storm.

Boy, oh, boy, it seems
like a long time ago,

doesn't it, Normie? Yep.

A lot's changed since
that fateful night, eh?

Yeah. As I recall,

you were sitting over
there, drinking a beer,

and I was sitting right
here having a beer,

kind of wishing you'd shut up.

Good memory. Yeah.

Hello, Diane.

Hello, Sumner.

Hello, Sam, old man. Sumner.

I understand
congratulations are in order.

You've heard about
our engagement?

Yes. Wonderful
news travels fast.

Sam, old man,

I'd like to steal away
your lovely bride-to-be

for a private chat.

With your permission, of course.

You're not going to try

to take her away from
me, are you, Sumner?

It's obvious you've
cast a spell over Diane

that someone with even
my considerable charms

would find difficult to break.

Well, maybe with your
charms and a jug of cheap wine.

Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

Not till this moment.

Well, it just so happens

that I was once
engaged to Diane, too.

Ah. Is there anyone in this bar
you haven't been engaged to?

Well,

I believe the floor is now open

to nominations for "pompous
ass of the year" award.

Hey, uh, remember
us, uh, Dr. Sloane?

How could I forget?

Barney, Wally, Ed.

When I heard of your
impending marriage to Sam,

I thought perhaps I
had overestimated you.

So, I pored through
everything that you'd written...

Letters, poems, short stories.

The pages burned

with your talent, Diane,

and I was singed.

Why are you telling me this?

I was so impressed by one
of your unfinished novels,

I took the liberty of
sending it to a friend

who's an editor at
Houghton Mifflin.

You had no right to do that.

While he concurs with me

that it's rough,
embryonic and immature,

he loves it...

and thinks it has

a very good chance
of being published.

Published?

I knew it.

I felt it.

I've never been
more alive in my life

than when I was writing that.

Which one was it?

Jocasta's Conundrum.

Yes!

I'm going to be a novelist.

I'm going to be a novelist.

Now, this doesn't
guarantee publication.

He has other people to convince.

And he'll have to
see the finished work.

Actually, I haven't
quite finished it.

I haven't written

for... five years.

That's about the
same amount of time

you've been interred in
this, uh, tomb of thought.

Oh... roughly.

Well, then it's imperative
you get out of here

and finish this
novel immediately.

You can use my cabin in Maine.

It's where I go to do most
of my profound thinking.

You'll love it!

Ted Koppel has a little
place right down the road.

I can't.

I'm going to marry Sam.

Do you realize the implications

of the choice you're making?

There's no choice.

A woman can be
married and write, too.

Oh, I get it.

You're going to write
the great American novel

in between driving the
kids to Little League games,

changing a litter box and
teaching Sam pinochle

so you can finally have the
Mundanes over to dinner.

Well, even if I can't
do both, I don't care.

Of course you don't.

Sam's bludgeoned
all the spirit out of you

and dragged you
back down to his level.

No one was dragged, Sumner.

Sam and I

walked arm in arm to his level.

I think you'd better leave now.

Yes, I'll leave.

But the time will come

when you'll look
back on this moment

and realize you've
made a terrible mistake.

I'm glad I won't be
around to witness that.

So am I.

Touché.

How appropriate that
as I take my leave of you,

you are holding the eight ball.

Good-bye, Diane.

Sam?

Yeah.

Oh, there you are.

Where have you been?

I, uh, was at the dentist.

I, uh, had something
caught in my teeth.

What are you up to there?

I've started addressing
our wedding invitations.

So...

what did Sumner have to say?

Well, it seems he has submitted

the manuscript of
one of my novels

to an editor

who thinks it might
be publishable

with a little work.

Well, that's great, isn't it?

Yeah, it's...

very flattering.

And I'm not easily flattered.

Oh, I know, I know.

That's, uh...

That's one of the most
remarkable things about you.

Thank you, Sam.

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, this... this
could work out perfectly.

Why don't we... why don't
we postpone the wedding?

Postpone it? Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, you-you could
go off and finish your book,

and it'd give me a
chance to do something

I've wanted to do all my life.

What?

What do you mean what?

You want me to name it?

That'd be good.

Well, I, uh, take
a trip to the Orient.

Yeah, yeah, I always
wanted to go to the Orient.

You've never said anything
about a trip to the Orient.

Well, not in so many
words, but I mean,

you know how much I
like Chinese food. It's...

Sam, I've waited several
years for this marriage,

and I don't want
to wait any longer.

I'm starting to get scared.

Oh, no. Something always seems

to screw us up...
Usually it's you.

Sometimes it's me.

Let's get married now.

What do you mean "now"?

Now. Tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah.

You know, what's the rush?

I mean, it feels like

you want to do this fast

so that you don't
change your mind.

You're the one who seems
to be changing his mind.

No, no, I'm not, no, I'm not.

Well, good, then
there's no problem.

Let's marry tonight.

Well, maybe we
will, maybe we won't.

We ought to think about this.

All right, fine.

You sit down and think about it.

I'll make us some tea.

If you get stuck, call me.

I'll come in and
jiggle your head.

Tea time, dear.

I've had a great life.

My grandson's a 25-game
winner with the... Red Sox.

Got the prettiest wife in town.

And I can still fire off

the old booster
rockets now and again.

And don't forget your pinochle's
coming along quite well.

Yes, yes. You know, now
that I got the hang of it,

I kind of like that game.

Who called there a minute ago?

That was your
granddaughter, Samantha.

She said to tell her
gramps that she has

a new boyfriend.

Uh-oh.

What's he like?

Well, he sounds
like a fine young man.

She said he has his doctorate

in laser beam
demolecularization.

There's only one thing
that kept me from going

into that myself.

I don't have the
brains of a turnip.

I'll get it.

Maybe you better do it.

I'd rather watch
you walk anyway.

You know, it's
absolutely amazing

how you've held
onto your figure.

Well, it's amazing how
you've held onto it, too.

Oh, Clifford.

Er... you hit the
jackpot there, Diane.

Oh, thanks so much.

Would you like to come
in and have a cup of tea?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Good.

When are you
going to retire, Cliff?

"Retire"?

Hells bells, Sammy.

Being a mailman's still
the surest way I know

of, uh, meeting the, uh...

Women. Women.

I'll get it.

No, maybe not.

Let me.

We seem to be
very popular today.

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Norman.

What's up, Norm?

Me, about 30 times a night.

Norman,

shall I get you a cup so
you can join us in some tea?

No, no, thanks, Diane.

I'm just here

to pick up Cliffie.

We're going to go on
over to Woody's bar

and have a few beers.

Well, tell Woody we say hi.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

How's he doing with the bar?

Well, Sammy, he's, uh, turned it

into a real family
enterprise, you know.

Hmm. He's, uh...

He and, uh, his kid are...
are working behind the bar,

and he's got his-his wife

and his daughter
actually waiting tables.

And in the evening,

they, uh, apparently

take off all their
shoes and socks

and add up the receipts.

Oh...

Yep.

We're out of here. Cliffie?

Women.

No, we're out of here.

Er... eh... really, eh,
nice seeing you two again.

Eh, Diane, you get, uh,
better looking every year.

Why, thank you, Clifford.

Yeah, wish I could say
the same thing about Vera.

Oh, Norman, didn't you
tell us that Vera still has

the figure of a young girl?

That's right; it's
tattooed on her back.

Good one. Good one.

You know, Sam, Mm-hmm?

We are blessed.

With wonderful friends
and a wonderful family.

It certainly has
been a good life.

Do you have any regrets?

None.

Now, what about that book

you were going to
write a long time ago?

Now, don't you ever wish

that you had done that
instead of marrying me?

Oh... that was years
and years ago, Sam.

I know that, but don't
you have any regrets?

Sam Malone...

I wouldn't trade one
minute of my life with you

for a Nobel Prize in Literature.

I'll get it.

Oh.

Hello.

I don't know why,
Carla... Because I love her!

Now, can we just leave
this alone, please?!

Teatime, Sam.

So, what's your answer?

"Yes" or "I need more
time to think about it"?

Hmm.

Okay.

You mean it?

Yeah. Oh, Sam!

You won't regret it.

Well, I just hope you don't.

Oh, I never shall.

Thank you. Mm.

Come on, let's do it.

Let's go get a
justice of the peace.

Better yet, let's wed at Cheers.

The bar?

It's ideal.

Right there in front
of our dearest friends

who've been witness to our love,

seeing the good times
and the bad times,

shared our joys and sorrows.

How perfect.

Those dear souls who will share

our moment of ultimate joy.

Better still, why don't we
have 'em over right here?

We'll do it right here.

Oh, I don't want those
people in my house.

All right, I got 20 bucks
says they won't do it.

All right, well, I
got, eh, 30 here

says they, uh, tie the
knot-ski tonight-ski.

I'd like a piece of that,
Cliff, because you see,

I'm convinced that
the words "I do"

are not in the
woman's vocabulary.

Eh, all right, let's see
how much you got there.

Come on, put your money
where your mouth is.

Hey, everybody!

Hey!

Wish me luck.

Sammy, uh, let me just give
you a little piece of advice

I wish somebody
would've given me once.

Run, Sammy, run.

Run like the wind.

Disappear into the
night. Go, Sam, go!

I understand that this has been

a long time in coming.

So without further delay, uh,
we'll get to the matter at hand.

You, Sam, and you, Diane,

have complied with
the general laws

of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts,

and there are no apparent
impediments to this marriage.

Therefore, do you, Sam Malone,

take this woman, Diane Chambers,
to be your lawfully wedded wife

till death do you part?

I do.

Cheers.

Oh, just a second.

Miss Chambers, it's for you.

Woody, I'm kind of busy.

Oh.

Uh, listen, she's
getting married.

Can I take a message?

You're kidding.

Oh, that's...

Yeah, that's great.
That's unbelievable.

You're welcome.

Go ahead.

No, no, don't go ahead.

Woody, what is it?

They're going to publish
Miss Chambers' book.

They're giving her a
big advance to finish it.

Um, to, uh, continue...

Diane Chambers,

do you take this
man, Samuel Malone,

to be your lawfully
wedded husband

till death do you part?

What?

Oh, yes, of course.

Why wouldn't I?

Well, then, by the powers
vested in me by the governor

of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts,

I now pronounce you
man... No, you don't.

I want to change my answer.

What did he say?

Sam...

Look, you got to do this book.

You have to.

I don't care about the book.

I care about you.

Go ahead, from the
beginning, please.

This is inhuman.

You, Sam, and you, Diane,

have complied with the
general regulations and the...

laws of the Commonwealth...

No, no, w-w-w-wait-wait.

Look, I-I-I don't
want to be married

to a woman who's going to
be always asking, "What if"?

I'll tell you what.

Y-Y-You're bad at ballet.

You're terrible at acting.

You don't... you
can't draw worth a lick.

You're bad at-at poetry,

photography, cinema and omelets.

I mean, they're
going to have to start

inventing things
for you to be bad at.

Make your point, Sam.

You're-you're good at writing.

I mean, I think we
finally found something

you don't stink at.

But, Sam, I-I...

Look, look, this is
important for you.

I mean, I-I-I had
my day in the sun.

I-I may not have been

the greatest relief
pitcher in the world...

Yeah, you were, Sammy.

Thank you. The point is...

the point is

I took a shot.

You've got to take your shot.

Well...

we've always gone
with our feelings.

Yeah.

Are these your feelings?

Yes, they are.

I only want to do
what's best for us.

So...

do you agree that we
shouldn't get married?

I do.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, Maine awaits.

See you in six months.

Right.

Right.

Next time, let's have our
wedding somewhere else.

Anything you say.

Hey.

Have a good life.

"Have a good life"?

What?

Well, that's something you say

when something's over.

Sam, I'm going
away for six months.

That's all.

So no more of this
"have a good life" stuff.

You never know. You-you
could die. I could die.

The world could end.

One of us could bump
our heads and, uh,

wander the streets

for the rest of our
life with amnesia.

Or maybe one of us will decide

they want something else.

None of those
things will happen.

I'll be back here.

I will.

I'll see you in six months.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. That's better.

Have a good life.

♪ ♪