Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 25 - A House Is Not a Home - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Guinness stout
and a gin and tonic.

Something the matter, Carla?

Yeah, something's the matter.

My life is the pits.

Seems like good things happen

to everybody except
me, you know?

Norm has a new job.

Frasier actually seems happy

since he met his
creepy girlfriend.

And Sam has given up women
and decided to marry Diane.



And what have I got? Zip.

Woody, I mean, how do you keep

such a sunny disposition

in this rotten,
stink-infested world?

You mean, what do I do

when I see Mr. Blues
peeking around the corner?

Oh, God,

he even has a cute
name for depression.

Well, I just close my eyes,
and I think a happy thought.

Here, I-I'll show you.

What was your thought?

I'm glad I'm not you.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪



♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Mr. Peterson. Yeah.

I'm working on this month's
issue of the Cheers newsletter,

and I wondered

what's new with you?

Nothing, really, Woody.

Well, you sure?

Uh, I don't know.
Check last month.

What was I up to then?

Let's see. Norm Peterson.

Nothing.

Oh.

Well, I guess it's
not new then, eh?

How about you, Dr. Crane?

What's new in my life?

Well, it's not easily
put into words, Wood.

Perhaps it has something to do

with my relationship
with Lilith.

And perhaps it's just a maturity

that comes with age.

All I know is that I feel
I finally know who I am,

and I'm happy with that person.

Does that answer your question?

Sure does.

Dr. Crane: Nothing.

Sam!

Great news!

I found a house.

Hey!

Turn it in. Maybe
you'll get a reward.

No, you goose.

I found our house.

I was driving to work today

and, as luck would have it,
there was an eight-car smash-up.

Yeah, that didn't
come out right.

What I meant was
I was forced to take

an alternate route,

and it sent me right
past the perfect house.

Oh, Sam, you should see it.

Three bedrooms,
two and a half baths,

a formal dining room,

a huge fireplace
in the living room.

Excuse me for interrupting,

but we're not
looking for a house.

I know. I already found it.

No, I mean that we agreed

to live in my apartment
for a year first.

Well, yes,

that was the
original plan. Yeah.

But that was before I
saw hardwood floors,

bay windows, crown moldings.

Yeah, well,

so what's wrong
with my apartment?

Well, granted this house

doesn't have your view of
the Exotic Dancing Academy.

But I think you
could learn to live

in the shade of a stately elm.

Oh, uh, I, uh, hate
to be a buttinsky here,

but, uh,

this is the absolute
worst time to buy a house.

Why is that?

Ah, seller's market.

Unless you run into
that, uh, rare breed,

you know, the motivated seller.

Now, you know, for a price,

I could put you in
a sweet little, uh,

three-bed, two-bath number.

Uh, it's got, uh,
fishnetting over the patio

and a handmade, uh, uh,
lava rock fire pit in the back.

Cliffie, uh, that sounds
a little bit like your house.

It is my house, Norm.

Wait, wait, wait now.

You said your mother
was going to live there

till the day she died.

Well, uh, she's clean,
and she doesn't eat much.

Sam, please.

Just come with me
and take a look at it.

I'm not-I'm not
ready to own a home.

It's a... you-you got
to work up to that.

Sammy's right.

It's a big responsibility.

You got uh, lawns to mow.

You got plumbing to fix.

You got gutters to clean.

Then, you know,
every couple of years,

you got to paint the entire
thing from top to bottom.

Honestly, I don't know where
Vera gets the energy sometimes.

Norm, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, I guess I
should, shouldn't I?

You know, thank
God I'm not, huh?

Well, Sam and I will split
the chores at our house.

Would you just slow down?

We're not buyin'
a house. I mean it.

Now, Sam, don't be so hasty.

This could be the house for you.

Does it have a basement?

Yes, it does. A large one.

Great.

You can convert it into a
dungeon to keep Diane in.

Then, when you're
done torturing her,

you could bury the body
under the cement floor,

cover it with a Ping-Pong table.

Well, maybe. I don't know.

Sam.

No, no, maybe you, not her.

Will you stop stalling and
come with me, please?

Just give me one good
reason why I should.

Because we own it.

That's a pretty
good reason, Sam.

You bought a house
without asking me?

Well, I-I didn't exactly buy it.

Uh-huh. I put down the teeniest

of refundable deposits.

You know, I don't believe this.

Oh, now, Sam, there
was another couple there,

and they were all
ready to make a bid on it.

I had to move quickly.

Yeah, talking about
moving quickly,

you get into my office right now

and you call them tell them
that I want my deposit back.

Okay, Sam, whatever you say.

But first I want to
call the decorator

about ordering drapes.

Yeah, well, make it quick.

Well, I guess it's time
we started thinking

about a housewarming gift.

Ah, it's pathetic.

Yeah, you'd never
catch a woman of mine

leading me around by the nose.

No, but you might catch
her sunning herself on a rock.

It's ours.

It's finally ours.
I can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Wow, you know,
every time I come here

I like this place more and more.

Oh.

Thank God you talked
me into this. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

You don't think we spent
too much money on it?

Oh, absolutely.

What the hell?

It's a great house.

Yeah. And it's ours.

Well, not quite yet.

You know, I never feel at home

until I hang this
little baby up.

Oh, God, Sam.

What?

Oh, not where people can see it.

You know, I have
never understood

your attitude
about this painting.

I mean, it's a classic.

"Dogs Playing

Blackjack."

I never look at this
without cracking up.

Ah.

Well, that's the
purpose of great art.

You know something? I think you,

you're missing the
subtle humor here.

I mean, see this guy
right here? He's cheating.

Oh. Oh, Sam,

I can hardly wait
till I'm in the kitchen,

pot holders in hand,
cooking a nice big roast,

calling out to you,
"Dinner's ready, honey."

"I'll be right there.
I'm in the workshop."

The workshop?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My dad always had one.

I used to go down
there all the time.

I just loved the
smell of sawdust.

Wonder where I
can buy some of that.

Oh, Sam,

I have wonderful plans

for every room in
the entire house.

That's funny, so do I.

Why don't we start right
here in the living room?

Yeah, these floors
look like they could use

a little polishing.
Oh, Sam. Sam.

We really have to
leave now, my dear.

Yes, I guess you're right.

Uh, hello? Hello?

Oh. You must be the new owner.

Yeah, yeah, I'm, uh,

I'm Sam Malone. How do you do?

How are you?

This is my, uh, fiancée,
Diane Chambers.

Hi. Bert and Lillian Miller.

Oh. Hi, how are you?

Pleased to meet you.
Oh, it's a pleasure.

The house is beautiful. Mmm.

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, of course, we know

we're supposed to
be out of here by now,

but, well, we forgot a few
odds and ends, you know?

And, uh,

well, we just wanted
to take a last look.

Well, you know,

when you've lived in
a house for 40 years,

taking that last
step out the door,

well, it-it-it's pretty hard.

Of course.

I confess, I... touched
liquor this morning.

Oh, tha... that's
all right, my girl.

But you look like a fine couple.

I'm glad the house is
going to you. Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we plan
to do great things in it...

With it, with it.

So many memories.

Like when Mikey climbed
up the bookshelves

and hit his head on the mantle.

You remember?

Oh, we were all so worried.

And that's where little Janey

rehearsed her dance
for the school play.

Oh.

You know, I studied
ballet as a child.

So I became quite experien...

Berty Junior

took his first steps

on this very spot right here.

And... that's where we
always put our Christmas tree.

Every year.

40 Christmases.

Thirty-nine.

Hmm?

Well, we didn't quite make it

to Christmas this year.

Oh, sure.

You know,

I think we'll

miss the Christmases
most of all.

I know, Bert.

The children

and the grandchildren.

Ah, never mind.

There, there now.

Out with the old.

And in with the new.

Now, we're just going
to get out of your way,

so that you two can

share your lives.

Well, good luck
to you. Thank you.

Can I help you with
those boxes there?

Oh no, they'll be fine. No.

We're just going as
far as the bus stop.

Okay, okay.

Have a nice day.

Yeah. Glad to meet
you. Thank you.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, house.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye now.

Gee, what a sweet couple, huh?

Let's see, where were we?

Oh, yes, yes, yes,
I think we were, uh,

talking about
polishing the floor.

Do want to wax or shall we buff?

I cannot live a single
day in this house.

Oh, God.

Come on, come on.

It's all right.

I mean it, Sam.

I could never live here.

No, don't say
that. Don't say that.

Listen, hey, I got
a surprise for you.

Look, I took the picture down.

Sam, it has nothing
to do with the picture.

I-I... Although I
do appreciate that.

This place belongs

to Bert and Lillian.

It's alive with their memories.

Oh, poor Mikey. Now,
that must have smarted.

Come on, come on,
we love this house.

Now, I know how you
feel right now, but...

but wait till we make
some changes here.

Look, we can... we can...

we can knock out
this wall right here

and make the
whole room different.

I mean, yeah, what
the hell? Look at that.

They got writing
all over this wall.

Oh, look.

"Mikey at one year, 30 inches."

"Bert Jr. at two
years, 36 inches."

How can you possibly
think of tearing this down?

Can't you see

this is a record of their lives?

Well, all I can see

is that little Janey
here was a moose.

How'd you like to have that
coming at you in a tutu, huh?

You have the sensitivity
of a dung beetle.

I'm just trying to lighten
the mood up here.

Well, I'm not in the
mood for fun and games.

Well... ALL: Happy housewarming!

Hey, hey...

No, don't.

This isn't our house.
We don't belong in it.

I'll never live here.

Not one day, not one minute.

Please, leave, please.

You know, Sammy,
a couple of years ago,

this might've taken
me by surprise,

but now I just
kind of roll with it.

This is great!

I got the one where
they're on the train.

Yeah. Not now, Woody.

Look at that.

I never noticed that.

The bloodhound's doubling down.

Look at that.

Uh, I'm sorry about
this, you guys.

It's a... it's a bad time.

Wait till the honeymoon!

We're trespassers here, Sam.

The love and warmth
that fill these walls

didn't come from us.

We can change the wallpaper,

we can paint,

we can put up new curtains,

but the soul of this house

will still be those
two sweet, old people.

I'd be afraid to wash the dishes

for fear I'd turn the faucet on,

and instead of water coming
out, it would be Lillian's tears.

Oh, brother.

I-I-I'll put a purifier in.

All houses have ghosts.

You know, memories of
people who lived there before.

Now, the only way
you can get rid of them

is to-to start making
your own memories,

and the only way we can do that

is if we move in here
and start living here.

Mm...

maybe you're right.

Yeah.

I guess I've been overreacting.

Oh, that's okay.

What do you say we carry
on this conversation naked?

Do you think I could ever
make love in this house?

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?

Oh, the plot's okay, Woody,

but it kind of falls
apart at the end.

Where's Sammy and Diane?

They're in the office
trying to unload

The Nightmare on Diane Street.

Well...

they'll just have to
miss my big news.

Woody, I want you

to stop the presses
on that, uh, newsletter.

You'll never guess who I saw

in front of my office today.

Robert Urich.

Okay?

I want to tell you
he's just as nice a guy

driving past at 50 miles an hour

as he looks on that TV screen.

Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody.

Another round. Quick, too.

Hey, how's it going
in there? Oh, great.

The couple in there are crazier

about the house than we were.

You know, I have to admit,

I was a little ticked off

when Diane said she
wanted to sell the house,

but as it turns out, I think
we're going to make a...

That's good, Woody...

Make a nice little profit here.

Are you sure I can't
change your mind?

I'm sorry.

That's my final decision.

You know, I-I-I'm
getting on in years,

and my hearing may
not be what it used to be,

but did you just
queer this whole deal?

I had to turn them down.

Why?

Sam, those people

were bereft of soul.

They had no intention

of embracing that house.

Their only desire
was to live there.

They wanted to live in
the house they just bought?

My God, they must've
been raised by wolves.

They weren't the
right kind of people

to live in Bert and
Lillian's house.

Oh, you know...

That's it, that's it.

You know, I... we have
always done things your way.

I have bent over backwards
to make you happy.

I bought the ring you wanted,

the china you wanted,
the-the crystal you wanted.

I even agreed to have a
duvet cover on my bed,

and I don't know what a duvet is

or what it's supposed to cover.

When are we going
to do something

that I want to do?

May I remind you
that we're going

to Disney World
for our honeymoon?

Big deal. Who isn't?

Sam, every time I
look at that place,

I can't help but think
about that poor, old couple,

shambling away from their house,

wishing they could spend

one last Christmas
there with their family.

Well, then why
not just give them

one last Christmas there,
if that's what they want?

But rid yourself

of the guilt you
feel by robbing them

of the last few happy
memories left them.

Oh, you know, that-that's
the screwiest idea

I've ever heard.
No, Sam, he's right.

We-we'll-we'll call the
Millers and all their children,

and we'll plan a
Christmas party.

Oh, Sam, it'll make
the transition easier

for them and for me.

Well, what are we supposed
to do until December?

Bunk out with Ma Clavin?

No, I mean, we'll do it now.

This year, Christmas
comes next week.

Oh... Huh? Oh, it'll be fun.

Oh, gee, I hate it when
they change holidays around

just to make a
three-day weekend.

Who's ready for some
delicious hot apple cider?

Can I have mine with
ice? It's 80 degrees outside.

Where's your
Christmas spirit, Naomi?

It melted.

There's another present
for you there, Naomi.

Isn't that right, Santa?

I'm looking, I'm
looking, I'm looking.

All right, here
it is, here it is.

There you go, kid.

There you are.

Oh, boy!

What do you say, Naomi?

Thank you, Santa.

Ah... And what
do you say, Santa?

Yeah, Mrs. Claus is
going to pay for this.

Come here.

Look, look, how much
longer do we have to do this?

Oh, the children are loving it.

Yeah, well, can I at
least take this beard off?

No, no, no, no.

Now, we don't want
to spoil their illusions.

Don't you think the fact
that Santa's here in mid-May

sweating bullets is making
'em a little suspicious already?

Uh, yes, Santa,
what a great idea.

Why don't you lead us all
in some Christmas carols?

Uh, m-m-maybe somebody
else ought to do that.

Uh, Santa's got a little
summer cold going here.

Oh, well, David is the
musician of the family.

Well...

"Let it Snow" in "E" flat.

♪ Oh, the weather
outside is frightful ♪

♪ But the fire
is so delightful ♪

♪ And since there's
no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow... ♪

All right, all right, look,
we-we did it, we did it.

They're singing their carols.

We passed out the presents.

Now can we put
out the stupid fire

and-and get the Millers
out of here, please?

Oh, but, Sam, we haven't
roasted the chestnuts yet.

Oh, guess again, sweetheart.

Well, you know,

that was great,
kids, but I think

perhaps we-we ought to thank
the kind and generous friends...

who've let us make
this Yuletide possible.

Oh, no. No, no.

You really don't have to.

No, no, not at all.

Now, Sam and Diane
have opened their home...

It is their home now...

So that we can enjoy

one last Christmas
here together.

Well, of course, we've
known a lot of Christmases

around this hearth,
but for you kids,

this will be the last one.

And all they'll have

is pictures, home movies

and memories to fill the gap

through their lives.

Oh, I hope the memories survive.

Say you'll remember, children.

We'll all remember, Grandma.

Yes, and-and what about Easter?

Will you remember
the Easters, too?

I don't remember, Grandpa.

Oh, honey...

Please don't make Grandma
and Grandpa leave, lady.

No, go... Oh, oh,

th-th-they don't have to.

Listen, why don't you
come over next week,

and we'll have a
big Easter egg hunt

right here.

And I will make it
an annual occasion.

Yay!

No, no, no, no!

No, no, I am not putting
on a bunny suit for anybody!

Now, now, listen,

we've done everything...
More than everything...

Anybody could possibly expect.

We got to draw the
line somewhere here.

I mean, we can't arrange
our lives just for you people.

I mean, this is our house now.

Y-Y-You can't have it anymore.

Please, I mean,
w-we-we need a chance

to start our own lives here.

I mean, for God's sake, we
haven't even had a chance

to be intimate in
our own home yet.

What does Santa mean, Mommy?

Mommy will
explain it later, dear.

Yeah, and somewhere else, Mommy.

Uh, c-come on,
everybody, please, out.

Oh, no, no, no.

Now, don't grumble.
Santa is right.

He may have been
a little rude about it...

but it is true.

We have been imposing.

So let's all go over to Grandma
and Grandpa's new condo

and have Christmas there.

Yay!

♪ Frosty the Snowman
was a jolly, happy soul ♪

Bye-bye, happy holidays.

♪ With a corncob pipe and button
nose ♪ Yeah, bye-bye, bye-bye.

♪ And two eyes made out of
coal... ♪ There we go. Bye-bye.

Thank you. There we go.

What about our presents?

Uh, we'll ship 'em to you.

I can't believe what
you just did, Sam.

I am not going to
apologize, Diane.

Suddenly, the house is ours.

You mean that?

You claimed it for me.

Oh. Just stood up

and claimed it for me like
some animal out of the wild.

Oh, Sam...

you're so sexy
when you're territorial.

So, uh...

anything special you want

from Santa this
year, little girl?

Oh, Santa...

Well, I think that
can be arranged.

There you go...

Where is that?

It's in there someplace.

You know, Santa? Hmm?

I think it's time to take you up

on that offer to
polish the floor.

Oh, well, uh...

what room would you
like to start in here?

Hmm... how about
the dining room?

Oh, good, good,
good, good, good.