Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Godfather: Part 3 - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Well, I'm off, Sam.

Sixth row center

for the Royal
Shakespeare Company.

I still have the extra ticket

if you happened to
have changed your mind.

I-I just don't like that stuff.

All those guys jumping around

stabbing each other
in their leotards. I...

I'm sorry.

Come on.



I don't want to go alone.

I-I know. I know.

Did I hear right?

You're leaving early?

I'm going to a play.

Fine. I'll just stay here,
work my butt to the bone,

while the boss's fiancée
takes another day off.

Hey, come on. We're
not that busy around here.

What're you doing?

As a matter of
fact, why don't...

why don't you go to
the play with Diane?

Ha.

How about it, Carla?

We rarely do things together.



We never do things together.

It'll be fun.

It'll broaden your horizons.

You... what're you saying?

I-I'm going to get
the afternoon off

if I go to the play
with Bleachbag?

Only if you go to the
play with Bleachbag.

It's a deal.

I'm so excited.

I've been waiting months
for this production to arrive.

Sounds good.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I'll bring the pork rinds,
you bring the beer.

We'll make spit wads
out of the programs.

Take this. Follow her. Enjoy.

Hey, honey, wait up.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Greetings, everyone.

Hey, Doctor.

A beer, stout yeoman.

Boy, you're in a
good mood, Dr. Crane.

And why shouldn't I be?

Next week marks the anniversary

of the day my beloved
Lilith and I first met.

No kiddin'?

Yeah. As a show of my affection,

I bought her a Louis
Quatorze armoire

at a little antique shop
I saw on the Hill today.

It set me back quite a penny.

You know, I think
when you're trying

to express your
affection for your mate,

old wood says it best.

What do I say?

I was talking about the armoire.

I never say that.

I don't even know
what an armoire is.

It's a large chest.

Well, hey, what woman
wouldn't want that?

So, uh, what's Lilith
getting you there, Doc?

A set of golf clubs. Eh.

Although she
doesn't know it yet.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Well, I've left a lot of
clues around the house.

You'd have to be an idiot
not to know what I want.

And what's that, Dr. Crane?

I-I haven't decided yet, Wood.

Ah.

So, uh...

eh, Doc, I didn't know
you were a fellow linkster.

You know, uh, someday, when
you feel you're good enough,

I'll, uh, take you down
to my private country club

for a little, uh, mano a mano.

Eh, Normie, remember
I took you down?

I had a great time.

I got, uh, three holes in
one, and I birdied the windmill.

Hey, barkeep, I hear you pour

a mean root beer in this saloon.

Joyce?

Oh, my God. Joyce.

Hi. Surprise. Oh. Ha.

Boy, look at you.

It's been ages, you
know that? Yeah.

Hey, everybody,

this is Coach's niece,
Joyce Pantusso.

Nice to meet you.

Look at you.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, we couldn't be more
thrilled to have you here.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Diane Chambers,

Sam's fiancée. Oh.

I'm sure he must've
mentioned me.

Oh, no.

Well, it must have
been an oversight.

Anyway, it's so nice.

We finally get to meet.

We've all got goose bumps.

Sit down here.

Let me get you a
soda or something.

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

All right. Thanks, thanks.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming to Boston?

Well, I wanted to surprise you.

I start college at BU
in the spring quarter.

Oh, my God.

A Pantusso attending
college. Yeah.

A Pantusso pronouncing college.

Yeah, yeah, my mom
and dad are really proud.

Oh, I'll bet.

Tell me, how-how-how's
everybody at Reedsport?

Well, um, the family's fine.

Would you believe the
twins are starting high school.

No kidding.

Who are the twins?

Mom's calligraphy business
is, uh, doing well. Yeah?

Well, what about that
nutty wild man dad of yours?

Oh, God, Coach's baby brother.

I mean, you never knew

what he was going to do next.

Oh, he threw his
back out vacuuming.

What a nut, huh?

Oh, you know what? He asked me

to give you something.
There you go.

Oh. WOODY: Sam.

Beer distributor on the phone.

Tell him I'll call back, please.

Sammy, hey, hey.

Where are your
priorities? Come on.

I'll be right back.

So where is Reedsport?

Oh, it's in Oregon, about
50 miles west of Eugene.

Well! A left coaster, huh?

Yeah.

You know, uh,

recent medical studies
have shown that, uh,

time zone
transference, aka jet lag,

not only can be very upsetting

to one's metabolism,

but, uh, also directly
correlates to the, uh,

loss of, uh, hair follicles.

Are you a doctor?

No, he's a floon.

Who is that?

Nobody knows.

So, any last minute
fatherly pearls of wisdom?

Read for yourself.

Mmm.

"Dear Sam, would you mind
keeping an eye on my Joyce?

"Coach always trusted you.

"She's my little girl,

"and she's all
alone in the big city.

"If anything ever
happened to her,

"I'd go into the shed
and blow my brains out.

Phyllis says hi."

He writes a nice letter.

Well, that certainly
puts the pressure on me.

You?!

Well, yes.

What do you know
about taking care of

an 18-year-old in
the city of Boston?

A young girl away from
home needs a big sister.

Listen, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but she's my responsibility,

and I am perfectly
capable of handling it.

You know, kids
are a lot different

than when we were young.

I mean, today they're smart.

You gotta give 'em a lot of
room to make their own mistakes.

Yeah, so I hear you're
from out of town. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, what-what're
you doing there?

I'm just making some
polite conversation.

Yeah, well,
buddy, this is a bar.

You want to make
polite conversation,

you take it outside.

Whatever you say.

Do you believe that?

Sam, that wasn't necessary.

I'm not a little girl.

Forget about it.
Come on. Come on.

Get up here and sit up on
my bar here and, uh, tell me.

Well, are you all, uh,

you all checked
in at college, huh?

Well, uh, not really.

The... my dorm is
having plumbing troubles,

and I have no place to stay.

Well, that's not a problem.

You can stay with me.

I just have to pick
up a few things.

A bottle of juice,
a loaf of bread.

A door for the bathroom.

My, God, yeah.

Joyce, the only logical place
for you to stay is with me.

Oh.

Coach was like a father to me.

Well, I mean, if it's
no problem. Why not?

None at all.

We'll have fun.

It'll be one long slumber party.

Oh, goody.

Can I come over and bring
my Frankie Avalon records?

I have dibs on
cutting off her hair

when she goes to sleep.

Yeah, and if we can
get our hands on a laser,

we'll try cutting Carla's.

Listen, uh,

it'll be a little while
before I can get off.

You know what?

Since this is your
first day in Boston,

I bet you'd love to
see some of the sights.

Well, yes, I would.

Good. Yeah, uh,

it's a great idea,

but I can't get out
of the bar today.

Oh, Sammy, she can come
on my route with me, if you want.

No, no. Uh...

Sam?

Sam... What?

No problem.
We'll, uh, we'll just

find someone else
to show her the sights.

All right.

Someone who's

enthusiastic.

Someone who's nonthreatening.

That's good. That's good.

Somebody, uh, trustworthy.

Somebody, uh, innocent. Right.

Hey, Sam, you
remember that little bird

whose wing I mended?

Well, this morning, I was...

Hey, do you mind?

I'm trying to think here, Woody.

Sam...

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, hey, do you
mind? I'll handle this.

Woody, come here for
a second here, will ya?

You know, I've been thinking
long and hard about this, Woody.

Look, there's, uh, somebody
I want you to meet here.

Come here.

Joyce, Woody. Hi.

Wow, what a coincidence.

My first name is Woody.

How would you like to
take the rest of the day off

and show, uh, Joyce
around the town?

Oh, gee, I'd love to.

Well, good. Take off. Go on.

Okay, great.

Uh, can we see
Old Ironsides first?

Well, I don't know if
Raymond Burr lives in Boston.

Well, I'm off.

Fore!

Oh, you get those
clubs yet, Fras?

No, but it's just
a matter of time.

See, I placed brochures
strategically about the house

for Lilith to notice.

One nestled under her pillow.

One by the wine rack.

One next to the whip locker.

Hey, Sammy, is Woody

out with Joyce again today?

Yeah. That makes
every day this week.

They are so cute together.

You know where
he's taking her now?

They're going out for ice cream,

and then they're
going roller skating.

Oh, those kiddleys, huh?

Well, doesn't that just
remind you of your youth?

Not one damn bit.

That's why I feel good about it.

You know,

I just think it's a
stroke of genius

that I had Woody squire
Joyce around town.

I mean, she's safe, and
I have my peace of mind.

Personally, I'm a little
worried about Joyce.

She's been seeing
an awful lot of Woody.

So what?

Do you know what time
she got in last night?

2:30.

Who knows what they were up to?

Oh, come on.

We're talking about Woody.

I mean, the guy is a, is a
walking Disney character

without the fur.

I think you should talk to them.

There's nothing to talk about.

Hey, I'll talk to her.

No, you won't. Why not?

Because you don't
know what the hell

you're talking about.

All right, fine.

I don't know what the
hell I'm talking about.

And that's the last
you'll hear from me.

Thank you.

Hey, so there you are.

What kind of ice
cream did you get?

Tutti-frutti.

Ha-ha! Tutti-frutti.
Did you hear that?

Yeah, you better be careful

'cause that can lead
to the hard stuff...

Double chocolate.

So, uh, is he treating you well?

Yeah, yeah, he sure is.

You know, I think he is

the sweetest
person I've ever met.

Me, too.

You know, Sam, I am
having the best time

I've ever had in my life,
and I have you to thank for it.

Well,

if you're happy, we're happy.

If that makes you happy,

you're going to do
cartwheels when you hear this.

Joyce and I are engaged.

Hey, uh, Sam?

Are you, are you okay?

Yeah, why?

You're filling your
shoes with beer.

Will this be enough for you?

Could you two sit down over at

the table there, please?

I'll be right with you.

Ah-ah-ah.

I'll handle this.

Just butt out.

Well... thank you.

You're welcome.

So... you're engaged.

Yeah, yeah, and,

and we wanted you to be
the first one to know about it

since you were the
one who put us together.

Well, thank you.

Why are you doing this to me?

Well, Sam, we thought
this would make you happy.

Well, I am, in a, a... sad
and disappointed way.

Well, listen, I know
it sounds crazy.

We've only known
each other a few days,

but it seems like...

several.

Listen, listen, you
guys, listen, listen.

I, I was in your shoes once.

I mean, I was young.

I-I, I had a whirlwind
romance and I got married

and it turned out
to be a disaster.

I don't want this to
happen to you now.

I mean, look at,

look at Diane and me.

We waited five
years to get married,

and if it were up to me,
we'd wait another five.

I'm just trying to make a point.

Do you mind?

The point is, the point is

that you got to, you got to,

you got to get to
know each other better

if you're going to take
a big step like this.

You got to get past
this, this early infatuation

and get to the point

where you're sick
and tired of each other.

Then you're ready for marriage.

Sam, we're never going
to be sick of each other.

You know, there,
there are hundreds

of good, solid reasons

why you two should
not get married.

Like?

Like...

like I forbid you
to, young lady.

Wait, you can't forbid me.

You're not my father.

All right, all right.

Woody, I forbid
you to marry Joyce.

Sam, you're only my boss.

Damn it, I, I'm going to forbid

somebody
something, I'll tell you.

Norm, I-I forbid you

to leave that stool.

Sorry, Sam, uh, nature calls.

Hey, hey, you,

whoa, whoa.

You go and you're cut off.

Whatever you say, Pop.

Let's get down to

brass tacks here.

How much do you want?

Okay, I'm not a, you know,

I'm not a rich guy,
but I'm comfortable,

so let's stop jerking
old Sammy around,

and name your price.

Come on.

We don't want anything.

We just want to be together.

Oh, no, don't do...

Just get into my
office, will you?

Come on, both of you.

I've tried to talk to you

on an emotional level,

a logical level and
in an economic level.

Now we're just going to have
to raise this whole discussion

up to a higher plane.

Have pity on me.

Oh, please don't do
this to me, please.

I-I haven't had an easy life.

This is going to hurt me,
and I-I don't want to be hurt.

I mean, I-I don't like pain.

And think about your parents.

They hate pain, too.

Not, not as much as
me, but pretty much.

Oh, come on, this
news'll kill them, you guys.

It'll kill me, too.

I-I... please don't,

please, come on,
don't do this to me!

Don't make me beg.

Oh...

Gee, Sam, you feel
pretty strongly about this?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, maybe he's right, Woody.

Maybe we could get to
know each other better.

Really?

It couldn't hurt.

Oh, oh, oh, bless you.

Bless you, kids.

Oh, you, you're the greatest.

Hang in there, buddy.

Oh, oh, thanks, Wood.

Oh... heh-heh, they bought it.

See you later, Sam.

Yeah, yeah. Hey,
listen, you know,

what you said in there
made a lot of sense.

I think you may have stopped us

from making a
pretty big mistake.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, my pleasure.

Well, what else can I do
around here that I'm great at?

Nauseate us?

Maybe some other time.

Hey, Fras,

thought you'd be out
on the links by now.

It would be
exceedingly difficult

to tee off with this.

What's, uh, what's that, Fras?

This is my extra
special gift from Lilith.

It's a tie.

Yes, and I hate it.

It's ugly.

It's just a tie.

An ordinary gray tie.

I wanted golf clubs!

It's not special!

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Glad she didn't
give him a puppy.

Oh, come, come on, come on.

We're not even married yet.

Oh, Sam.

It's never too early

to start thinking about
names for our children.

It-It is if you're thinking
about the name Emile.

What's wrong with Emile?

Emile is something you eat.

It's not something
you name your kid.

Why-Why don't you just
name him Socrates, after me?

Ah!

You two kids still basking
in the glow of my wisdom?

We sure are.

We thought about what you said,

and we decided it
was the best advice

anyone had ever
given us in our lives.

You hear that, Diane?

That's why we've decided
to call off the wedding

and move in together.

Hear that, Socrates?

Would you two
kids go into my office

and, and wait for a second?

Sure, Sam.

Thank you.

You know something?

I could handle this, too,

if I wanted to.

But I think I'm going to
be a good sport about this

and, uh, let you
take a crack at it.

So, what you're saying

is that you screwed
up miserably,

and now you want
me to bail you out.

No! Of course not.

Absolutely not.

Well, yes. Yes.

Well, Sam, you don't deserve it,

but I'll give it a shot.

Stand aside, Sam.

You're about to see
26 units of psychology

fly into action.

So, you're going
to live together.

Why? Talk to me.

Well, Sam said

we should get to
know each other better

before we got married,
and, and we thought

this might be the best way.

Mm-hmm.

But I think you've
forgotten something.

The reason Joyce came
to Boston in the first place.

College.

That was my mom's idea.

I decided I'm not
going to college.

Not... not going to college?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, you must listen to me.

You... You have your
whole life ahead of you.

You can't throw
it away like this.

If you don't go to college,

you can't earn a living.

And, and without a
job, what will you do

when he leaves you
with a litter of kids...

and, and you have to sell them,

one after another,

just to put food on
your pathetic little table?

And, in the end, you'll
be left with nothing.

Nothing but worn-out
hips and sagging breasts.

Is that really what you want?

Well, I can't speak for Joyce,

but I could do without that.

So, tell me

that you'll give up this insane
idea of shacking up together

and concentrate on
your college career.

Well, um...

I guess I could
move into the dorm

and try a couple classes.

Yes.

Yeah. And we could still date

and see each other, couldn't we?

Sure, oh, sure,
sure. Dating's good.

Dating's fine. Yeah.

Sure, I like that idea.

Well, thanks, Miss Chambers.

Okay.

Yes, thank you.

Aw...

Thank you.

How'd it go?

Oh, well,

suffice it to say,

the Chambers expertise
worked its magic.

You begged, huh?

How do you know?

Your nylons are all baggy there.

How about you?

I don't wear nylons.

I mean, how did you talk
them out of getting married?

Me?

I begged like a dog for a bone.

Oh, Sam...

Mm.

Well, how can we
avoid having this problem

with our own children?

Never have sex again.

I think it's worth it.

Me, too.

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah...

It's worth it.

Absolutely.

Well, may...

maybe just...